Rudy Runs for VP & The Podcast Guys Tour! 01:32:54

This season, Instacart has your back-to-school. As in, they've got your back-to-school lunch favorites like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back-to-school supplies like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow. Let's face it, we were all that kid.

So, first call your parents to say, I'm sorry, and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee for your first three orders while supplies last. Minimum $10 per order. Additional terms apply. Anchor! If you haven't heard about Anchor... It's the easiest way to make a podcast. It's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. Oh, please.

It's free. Awesome. That's cool. There are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer. You do it from your phone like on the go? Oh, my God. That's cool. And on the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool. Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many, many, many, many, many, many, many more. Go ahead.

You can make money from your podcast, too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership. It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go, Bob? Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. You two are... Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Andreas, can you hear me right now?

Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. I can hear you just fine. I'm down here with Fievel the mouse. We are going on a traveling adventure today. I am going to be riding on a matchstick down a river. I'm going to be in a riverbed riding down on a matchstick. And today, I might eat a whole blade of grass. That's my Andres. Yeah, that's good. Is that good? Yeah. I'm a Latinx boy. I come from a span. And now, I work for George for minimal amounts of pay. George takes all my monies.

You just sound like, you know, in every Western, there's like that seventh guy that's a Mexican guy. Yeah. We don't need to rob the bank tomorrow. Are we sure it's going to be safe? Yeah. Tonight we can dance and sing and drink our whiskeys. You know what I mean? I was thinking maybe I could kiss one of the girls. I love that guy. I love The Bad and the Ugly. Have you seen that movie? Love Good, Bad, and the Ugly. What a good movie. That's such a good movie. Do you like movies like that?

I just like certain directors. I like Sergio Leone a lot. I like Spaghetti, his stuff. But Spaghetti Westerns... Once Upon a Time in the West was great. He directed that. Good, Bad, and the Ugly. He directed that. Really good stuff. Do you like Johnny? Do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like? I gotta get in the mood, bud. It's not against you. I gotta get that engine running. So it's not me attacking you. I'm just trying to get some vocal exercises done so I can get in the mood to do it. Do you like, do you like, do you like...

Hey, we don't need to rob the bank tomorrow, compadre. But, you know, I'll tell you something right now. I'm in a funk. I'll tell you why. Because a couple of things. Number one, something happened yesterday in the house I'd like to talk about. May I? Yeah, of course. May I? I haven't interrupted you. May I? Do you like, do you like, do you like? Ow. So there's some sabotage going in my house. So the other day I was writing something on a piece of paper with a felt pen.

Right? And I asked Jules, I go, hey, Jules, if I write on this paper, will the felt pen seep in and mark the table? Of course it will. Yeah, but she says, Uncle Tito, no. Uncle Tito, no. It's impossible. Why did you ask her? I thought she was in school. She's used writing implements before. Did you not take felt bleeding 101? You didn't take that class?

So then yesterday I did it again. I had a piece of paper and I had to put some numbers down, a code. It seeped in. It marked the table, right? Why don't you use your phone? Because I had to put in the code on the phone. You hit it on a speakerphone and go to your notes. Oh, I didn't think of that. I always go to notes. What table did you ruin? The dining table? Yeah. Oh, my God. So then I write. I write.

It seeps in. I get yelled at by my girlfriend. Rightfully so. Rightfully so. And then I go to my girlfriend and I go, but fucking, you know, she told me that it was okay. And she goes, no, I didn't.

I never said that. What do you have to say for yourself? What do you have to say for yourself? Did you tell him it was okay? I never said that. Did you tell him it was okay? Rudy, did you tell him it was okay? No, I said it might stay in the table and then he said, no, it's fine. Who do you believe?

Who do you believe? Let me close my eyes. Say the arguments one more time. So, Rudy, I'm going to ask you without looking at you because I don't want to influence you by looking at you. Okay. Did you tell Tito, Bobby, that it was okay to draw on the table? No, I said the opposite. Time out. You told him not to do it. Yeah. Bobby, did Rudy tell you that it was okay? She did tell me. And I want to know what position you have and what side you're on because it's going to really dictate everything.

The way our relationship is going. That's a side note. Let's shoot it down to Fancy B. Fancy B, who's guilty? Bobby.

Oh, boy. Okay. Well, you know, it's so funny, Fancy B, because yesterday— I mean Rudy. I mean Rudy. No, it's so funny. No, no, no. You just fucked yourself. Because it's so funny that you say that because yesterday, what, you were on a Zoom meeting with a bunch of guys that you want to write a movie with me in it and get me involved. Now you're out. Uh-oh. Bye. I can't fucking believe you, Fancy B. Wait a minute. What movie are you guys writing? We're writing a movie. You're in it. Okay? We're writing a movie together. You're in it. All right? Can I— Do you have to understand where you are?

Think about your fucking actions. Yeah, I meant Rudy. Sorry, buddy. Thank you. That's exactly right. We have him down here. He's behind plexiglass. I apologize, by the way. Fancy B, I apologize. I'll tell you why I apologize. Because he's viable to us. He's viable. Not only that. This morning I had a discussion with my girlfriend, and David Spade was on my podcast. Saw it. Loved it. Great pod.

You're such a do-ya-do-ya. I'm dead serious. Great pod. All right. Great pod. But he said something. He goes, nobody really – basically just nobody really knows who you are. You're hard to get to know. To you? Yeah. That's not – And I'm like – and then I kind of been thinking about that and I realized, yeah, who am I?

You're having an existential crisis right now? I really am. I don't know who I am, why I do what I do, why I treat people the way I do. Oh, this is great. Who did this? David Spade did this? Yeah. Thank you, David. And now, no, I'm being real. So am I. And so it's like I'm not really in a funny mood. I'm more in a crisis mode. No, call it introspective instead. I'm very introspective right now. Yeah. You're thinking, okay, so let's say this. Yeah, look at her. Look at her. Look at how fucking sour she is. Are you really pissed off? No. No.

Are you thinking about the fucking marker thing? Yeah, she is. What did I tell you? Because here's the thing. You're right. I'm the one that said it's impossible. And she said, Tito, don't do that. Don't do it. I did that, right? But when I got yelled at, I turned to fucking her and I said in front of my girlfriend, I go, didn't you tell me that I needed some backup? I needed her to lie to me.

On my behalf. Would you ever do that for him? Would you back him up? Yeah. But why didn't you do it then? One time you backed me up. One time. You've been living in my fucking house for six months. When's the last time you backed me up? Every time you back her up. I always back you when Antikylaida said, is he going to be safe? Is he going to be responsible? I always say, yeah. That's a vague...

That's a vague thing. I want specific things. Next time I do something wrong, specifically a certain act that I did that I got in trouble for, even if I'm in the wrong, I need you to back me up because that tells me that you're a part of the fucking group. That tells me I'm part of the gang. Also, it tells me a lot. You've got to back him up. You've got to back me up.

You promise? Yeah. All right. Repeat after me. Say I. I. Rudy Jules. Rudy Jules. Will always back up Tito Bobby. Will always back up Tito Bobby. Even if it's a lie. If it's a lie. Even if it's a lie. And I get deported because of the lie. And I get deported because of the lie. Very good. There we go. That's great. That's called, in America, baby, that's called a verbal contract. Okay.

Hey, can I show you something I'm very excited about? This is for Rudy, baby. Listen up. Okay, okay. A boy wrote a song for Rudy. Wow. Listen to this. Wow.

I'm going to love you to the world. You don't.

First verse. Hey, Julie.

Juliana. Juliana. What do you think of that? You know she has 28,000 followers on Instagram now? What? Yeah. That's more than most of our friends. I don't know. And she's like, she goes, I don't care. It don't mean much to me. Do you engage with anybody? Yeah. I talk to them and they talk about anime. I know. Yes. I talk to them, they talk to me about anime. Yeah. First of all, did you like that song or no? It's nice. It's nice.

But you have no interest in that boy? No. Okay, based on the song... She doesn't want to date a rapper. Based on the song, what ethnicity is the person singing? White. White? No. No, he's not. He's a black dude. That's a black guy. That is. He's a black guy. That's a black guy. And you know what? What? Shame on you for not knowing. Yeah.

This is great. Rudy, do you want to be my girlfriend? You don't want to be that guy's girlfriend? He says so many. You know what? First of all, he doesn't cuss.

He says he wants to treat you better than you've ever been treated. He says he lives across the country, but he wants to get you a plane ticket to come meet him. Where does he live? I don't know. He didn't say. He just said, I live across the country, but I'll fly you out here like a dove. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I listened to that song like 19 times in the shower this morning. I listened to it. That's weird. On loop. Oh, it's a little weird. I was like, Rudy, do you want to be my girlfriend? Yeah, it's not that. Yeah.

Also, somebody on her direct message goes, I want her to be my girlfriend. So guys are hitting her up. Are you engaging in any of these guys that are trying to be your boyfriend or no? No. Yeah, good. You don't need any of that shit. You don't need anything. It's gross. You focus on school and life, right? Yeah. Yeah.

She really is a really good girl. I mean, how old are you now? 18. When I was 18, oh my God. Piece of shit. I was a piece of human garbage. Same. What a turd. I didn't know what was going on ever. Just was either partying or fucking. I didn't pay attention to anything. Yeah. I was just on drugs and drinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a good keen mindset of what's going on. Who did Joe Biden pick as his running mate? Oh.

It's the black woman in California. No, no, no. Fuck that. Fuck that. Give me the name or you're going to make our households look like shit. I forgot. You did? Yeah. Give her some hints. Okay, her first name starts with a K. Let's go. Last name H. All right, I'll give you the first two initials of the first. K-A. Last name H-A. Kate. Yes, Kate. Kate, yes. He. He. He.

Yes, Kate Hanson. Kate Hanson. Very good. Very good. This is very good. So let's go with this. Let's go with this, all right? So what is the current vice president's name? I don't know. Okay, well, we'll start at the first initial, right? At M, right? Last initial P. So go ahead.

M-I is the first, last P-E. Mark. Mark. Go ahead. This is good. Mark. What's his last name? P-E. P-A-T-I-O-N. You're doing it. You're sounding it out. Mark. Mark. Mark.

Yes. Mark Paynish. Mark Paynish. It's Mark Paynish is our fucking vice president. Isn't this fucking fun? That's really good. So the vice president that's running right now is what? Kate. Kate. Kate.

Hanson. You fucking forgot her, right? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. And Mark. Mark. Paynish. Mark Paynish. Mark Paynish, yeah. Mark Paynish and Kay Hanson. Yeah, yeah. That's who they are. You should know our history. You should know the current history. Let's go back in time. Let's go back in time, then. Let's go. Who was our very first president? The first president of the United States. You know who that was? George Washington. Very good. Oh, you know that just comes out like fucking...

Forefathers? Yeah. Do you know who's on Mount Rushmore? No. Do you know who's on Mount Rushmore? Oh, shit. This is fun. No, it's not. It's going to make me look like a fool. I don't know either. Yeah, you do. I'm pretty sure you do. No. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, FDR? Theodore Roosevelt? Yeah, that's FDR. Yeah, yeah. Wait, what? No.

No. John Adams? I think John Adams is on it. Is he? I think John Adams is on it. Wait, wait, wait. John Adams has to be on it. Who's on Mount Rushmore? I'm dead serious. I don't know. You know why? Lincoln's on it. I said Lincoln. I said... John Adams. I said Washington. I said Washington. I said Lincoln. Who did I say? Oh, shit. Did I say them all right? There's Wash...

Jefferson, I said that. Teddy Roosevelt and Lincoln. Oh, fuck. I didn't get any of that right. I said FDR. I meant Teddy Roosevelt. Yeah, Teddy. You didn't mean that. No, no. I did. I did. All right. All right. FDR was Franklin. I look like a fucking idiot. No, you don't. Give me another history question without even Googling it. I want to see if I can get it. Declaration of Independence. When did we sign it? Oh, fuck you. Come on. 1718? 17... Nope. What is it? 1776.

1776? Deck of Independence was 1776, the 4th of July. Okay, well, I know questions like this. I'll ask you a question now. All right, fine. Who produced the first four Talking Heads albums? Mark Paynish. Yes! Mark Paynish did. And, yeah, and the engineer was...

I think it was Kate Hanson. Kate Hanson, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was good. Yeah, she was so good. Yeah, but you... Brian Eno. I'm not... Oh, Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Brian Eno. Yeah, what band was Brian Eno in? Skeeners. In the late 60s and early 70s. Skeeners? No. Skeeners. Roxy Music. So I know information like that. I don't know that kind of stuff either. Yeah, I don't know historical... Because I was doing meth and falling asleep in...

In class when I was her age. That's really funny. I didn't do meth and I still didn't pay attention. I was really – it was just so bad in school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not my fault, is it? Yeah. It's funny. It's like I have interests. I have certain interests and I'll learn about those interests. Yeah. But if I'm not interested or it doesn't pertain to my life, I don't feel like I need to absorb that information. It's just too hard for me to retain it if I don't care. Yeah. It's like –

It's just bullshit. They got to change just the high school curriculum. Well, look, it's important to probably know some history, but I also think I don't know if I... But why? Because it's nice to know where things, what the past is, right? But if you have no interest in it, how does that pertain to your life, though? I think it's probably good to have like a general knowledge. Yeah, I know generally what's going on. Okay, so that's what I'm saying. I think what we do is fine. We don't have a good... I don't have a good... I couldn't tell you, okay, when was the Civil War? What year?

I said I don't want to play this. No, but that's my point. I don't know it either. Yeah. I don't know. I know it was back then. That's what I say. Back then. Yeah, yeah. It's back then. Back in the day. Different clothes. Racist guys. I got that down. Yeah. Did you see the real life Clayton Bigsby on the news? The black white supremacist? No. For the grandsons of the KKK? No, no. Or I mean of the whatever? Well, before we do that. Tell me, but I want to show you. Go ahead. You haven't mentioned anything about my shirt. I know. I saw it. You know what it is?

No. These are the first African-American astronauts. No shit? Yeah. Can you name any of them? Yeah. Right here. Frederick D. Gregory. Frederick Gregory. From the Gregory Institute of Harmonics. Whoa. Yeah. Who else? We got... Is that Tony Rock? No. And we got John Waynes, Frank Waynes.

Oh, the Wayans brothers? Yeah. It's the Wayans you don't know. Oh, those are the other Wayans. Yeah, yeah. Ricardo Wayans. Are these really the first black astronauts? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it says, yeah. The first black astronauts in space. Well, it's funny because I saw this. It says African-American astronauts. And when I saw this at a thrift store, I had to get it. Yeah. Because I wanted to learn. But you haven't learned any of them. I know, but I know that they exist. It's like saying, you know...

There are dwarf... It's like, say, say... Oh, I can't say it. Say it. I'll get canceled. No, no, no, no, no. Come on, come on. Say it. It's like saying, you know, there's a dwarf running back for the Minneapolis Vikings. What do you mean? No, no, there's not. I'm just saying, that's how... I didn't know that there were African-American astronauts. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

That's how shocking it was to me. Right. Not that I believe that everyone has a skill level. I just had never heard of one. Because NASA has 10 old, old nerdy white guys in your mind. You watch all the movies. Yeah. But look at this. This is this is Guillaume Stewart Bluford Jr. Yeah. That's one of the men on your shirt, I imagine. Correct. Maybe that's him at the top, isn't it? Look at the very top by you. Look at the top by your chin. By your chin. By your chin. Dr. Guillaume S. Bluford. Yeah. Yeah. Guillaume Stewart Bluford. Yeah. He's here.

He's at the top by your chin. He's the top guy. Do you know about him? I knew a lot about him. Can you just close the window before? I know he was born in Philly. Fuck you! What were you going to show me? I wanted to show you the black white supremacist. Remember that Dave Chappelle sketch? Do you remember what I'm talking about?

Do you know what I'm talking about? The black, white supremacist? He was blind? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. ...that say their name's Alabama has some opposition from about two dozen members and supporters of the Sons of Confederate Veterans. Regardless how the next person feels...

I'm not going to take my flag down. If I got a thing to do with it, ain't no monument going to come down. Daniel Sims says he was adopted as a child. My whole family's white. Went to an all-white school, grew up in an all-white neighborhood. My grandfather was white, and he was the main one that fought in this war here. And he's taught me everything I know. He explains how he'd feel if the statues and flag were relocated. They may make my blood boil if they just come up here and feel like they can just tear it down.

I don't see me still living if they do that right there. That monument ain't hurting nobody. That monument ain't killing my soul. It ain't talking bad to nobody. It ain't even racist. But Dunson says she's confident her group will be successful in getting the flag and moniker. I mean, you can't blame the guy, though. Because he was growing up in an all-white... Because if he grew up in, like, an all-black home, you know...

then you would think, what happened in his life? Was he watching too many movies? Did this guy not watch any movies? Right. Or maybe no movies, yeah. But because you're a product of your environment. This is definitely that it's nurture over nature in this regard. Raycon!

Raycon's great. Raycon's my favorite wireless earbuds. Yes. They're slicker than the other ones. They're smooth. They're tiny. They're tiny. They're compactable. They're easy to go. The case is beautiful. It just looks better than all the other ones I've seen. It feels better. Also, the way to switch songs, there's an actual button. Yeah, there's an actual button that you feel. Sometimes the other ones have like...

Touch, touch. No, I want to know that I'm switching songs. Look, these things are also half the price of most premium wireless earbuds on the market. Their newest model, the everyday E25. Everyday E25 earbuds are their best. So good. Oh, my God. Six hours you can run on those things and not have to charge them. They're comfortable. They fit right in your ear. And you know what? Snoop Dogg and...

And Cardi B. Cardi B and Mike Tyson all like it. Brandy. So you know it's good. All right? Yeah. Unlike the other earbuds that are expensive, these things have the sound quality that the other ones do without the expensive price tag. It's time to get the latest and greatest from Raycon. Get 15% off your order at buyraycon.com slash bad friends. That's buyraycon.com slash bad friends. Bad friends. Our favorite. 15% off. Yeah, we love them. Go get them. Raycon.

Tushy! Do you have a butthole? Yep. Well, this ad is for you. Right on, dude. Andrew, honestly, dude, I don't know how long I've lived without a bidet. For years. For all my life. Same. As soon as it got tushy, right? It changed the game, buddy. I know, man. I'm professional now. Yeah, everyone was panicking about toilet paper during COVID. Not me. I was tushing it up at the house, and we got one here at the office, which is...

That's so nice. And the other bidets are like thousands and thousands of dollars. Toshi is very affordable. $79. You get a fancy bidet. It's really nice and it's easy to install. We did it here at the office and if Bobby and I can install something like this, I swear to God you can too. It attaches to the toilet. It saves you tons of money. No electrical or plumbing. You don't have to mess with anything. It snaps right on. It comes with a 60-day risk-free guarantee and a 12-month warranty.

Warranty, dude. An entire year. Millions of people are using the Tushy to get cleaner in the basement. Go to hellotushy.com slash badfriends to get 10% off. That's hellotushy.com slash... Bad friends. My parents, I don't know why, but my parents had these crazy racist ideas about things. And my brother and I were just like, nah. That doesn't make any sense. What would they say that would blow your mind? Oh, all Vietnamese, they deserve to die.

I don't know. I'm just saying he would say crazy shit like that at the dinner table, and you're like six, and you're like, I don't think that's right. Or like, you know what I mean? If you're gay, everybody's going to die. Right? Yeah. I don't think that's deserving of death. You know what I mean? And you're a kid, and you would lay in bed and just think of all the things. Did you and your brother talk about it? Oh, yeah. Would you guys sit up at night? Yeah, I'd be like, Steve, Steve. Ah.

I don't know how you feel about being gay or whatever. I'm not gay, but I just don't think that they deserve to be dead. Do you? And my brother would be like, no, Bob, I don't think they should die because they're human beings and they have a heart and they have a family. That's exactly right. But we would have our own little powwow. Did your mom feel that way? Was she racist?

I mean, she would say, if you don't marry Korean, I never meet your wife. Does your mom... That was as a kid. But then what I did was I went, all right, I'll show you. And I just did a bunch of drugs and stuff like that. And so it got to the point where they were more concerned if I was going to be alive or dead. So they stopped trying to skew my mind or mold me. They were just like...

If he meets anybody, you know what I mean? That's a miracle, right? If he is just walking around, if you put one foot in front of all of them, right? I'm happy with that, right? So then it got to the point where they were like, you know. And then later in life, before my dad died, I made them vote for Obama.

I know. That's wild to me. Yes, they waited in line. It changes their mind. Yeah. But see, but that – he was – Do you think – I'm going to ask you a real question. Do you think if you never got through drugs and you never had a tumultuous childhood, do you think you would have been able to get through to them? If you did exactly what they wanted, do you think you could have changed their opinions on things like that? Or do you think because of such chaos, it like recentered their viewpoints on you? I don't understand what you're saying.

Because you were a drug addict. It's because I'm a drug addict. And because they had such a hard time raising you. Yeah. Do you think that's why they were more open to be? Yes. That's what I'm saying. So if you had done by the book, they probably would have never been influenced by you. Yeah. If I was done by the books, then I think they would be like still trying to throw their ideas. Yeah. But I have to say. Drugs saved your life. I think it did. Drugs saved your life in a weird way.

I think in many ways, because I can't imagine... Because the way I... I think it fucked my brain up where I behave in the way I behave. You behaved like this before that, didn't you? No. You just think this was all post-drug? I just think that when I was a kid, I don't think that this was the final product that it was intended. What was it going to be? I think it was more like...

So I'm here to talk about your insurance, and this policy here is not really great for you. I mean that's the kind of person I think I would have been maybe. An insurance salesman? Or, you know what I mean? Just a regular job?

Hey, boy. Clear up table number seven. We got a party coming. I could be that guy too. Just putting in dishes. A busboy? A busboy, yeah. By the way, you as a busboy at your age would be fucking hysterical. A busboy at 48 years old? Not at 48. I know. I was one when I was 20. It was so hard. I was a busboy when I was 20 as well. It was hard. Where'd you bus? Brockton Villa. It's the only restaurant I've ever worked in. Oh, in San Diego? Because they promoted me as a waiter. Yeah, but that's a nice restaurant.

Dude, in the mornings, though, it's like the busiest restaurant in San Diego. No, but you make good money, I mean, right? Not as a buster. Maybe $40, $50 a shift. I bust at Outback Steakhouse, okay? Why? Do you have to do an exit? I had to go, I'll clean your tables, Mike. They go, would you like another shrimp from the babby? I had to bust at Outback Steakhouse because they wouldn't give me a serving job. Yeah. That's where they got. They were like, no.

We don't have any positions available. You can be a busboy. So I bussed and washed dishes. I also remember – I don't know how I got there. I don't know how I got the job, but I remember I was at like a congress –

I don't know what congresswoman it was. What do you mean? Someone who was in Congress? You worked for them? No, I was... There was a banquet. I don't... Because I just vividly remember. Yeah. And I remember this guy going... I was wearing some weird valet kind of a costume. Were you a valet? No, I was supposed to pour water. Oh, you're like a...

But I remember just being yelled at like, hey, man, table – the congresswoman – right? And I'm just shaking, putting – but I don't recall how I got the job. It had to have been just like through a friend was like, hey, they need somebody to do – it's like catering or whatever, right? I'll tell you all the bullshit jobs. And then when I came to LA, I had a job licking envelopes. Shut up. I'm not kidding you. Twelve hours a day.

Licking envelopes. Like the whole up and down? I was in the bottom on Beverly Boulevard in some office. And there were just piles of envelopes. And I was licking, licking all day. And after two days. Did you have water to dip your tongue in? No, they never gave me any water. And I remember my mouth would get all dry. And I had scabs. Cuts and scabs? Cuts on my tongue. And I would still do it. You know what I mean? And I did like...

fucking $3,000 a day. How much did they pay you? Oh, it was like under the table. There was another Mexican guy there too. He's like, hey bro, go faster. You know what I mean? And I was like, I'm going as fast as I can, man. I'm a comic. I don't give a fuck, bro. It's not that bad of a gig. Yeah. And then they would give us like $20 under the table. I don't know what it was. $20? Whatever. But I remember like afterwards I was like,

Yeah. Yeah, I'm done. And then I actually did another – oh, dude, another shitty job I've had. There was this guy named F. Scott Collins. He used to be an actor. Wait, I know who that is. No, you don't. Yes, I do. Oh. He's been in stuff. A couple things. But F. Scott Collins goes, hey, man, you need a job? And I go, yeah, I have no money. He's like, I'll give you $100, right, just to clean my garage.

Holy shit. And I'm thinking, fuck. Cha-ching. Yeah. Literally, it's not a garage. It was a warehouse. What? Like an airplane hangar? It was like an airplane hangar. It wasn't like a garage. It was like this separate building, right? Yeah. That was probably formerly a house. Yeah. And they gutted it, and now it's a fucking garage. What the fuck was in there?

You know what it looked like? Do you remember in Silence of the Lambs when she has to break into that storage house? That's what it looked like. There was a car with a head in it. Just a bunch of mannequins. Shit everywhere. And it was just cobwebs and spiders. And I had a fucking paper towel and Windex walking in. This is a $3,000 job.

Yeah, and it was $100. It took me probably four days. Did you do it? You finished it. I needed the money. $100 for four days of work? It was terrible, man. Holy shit. By myself. I've had so many shit jobs. I've had so many shitty jobs. When I first moved out here, I was a PA, and I was doing stocking stuff, like just stocking in their bullshit room of organizing DVDs and just hours and hours and hours and hours of nothing. Yeah.

And I had been getting super depressed and I was drinking a lot because I was just sad. So I would just go get like a 12 pack of beer every night, the cheapest shit I could buy. Yeah. And just drink it till I woke up the next day. Yeah. And we were cutting boxes. I'll never forget. We're cutting boxes and I was just like, just terribly hung over. And the kid that I was working with is brand new. And I cut open a box. And as I open it, I crack it open. Right. And stuff falls out. The DVDs fall everywhere. And I was like, fuck. And he goes, whoa. Whoa.

that box smells like shit. I had just farted, but I didn't say anything. I just did one of those little pinch and pulls where it's like a ghost, like a balloon. But he goes, whoa, that box smells like shit. And I pretended. I go, oh, no, yeah, that's gross. The box smells. I'm blaming it on the box. Why do you own up to it? It's a guy. And then he goes, oh, it's so gross, that guy. I know. He goes, it's

It smells like a rotten pumpkin. And I was like, does it? And he goes, yeah, it smells like a fucking rat died inside of a rotten pumpkin. And it had a disease. And I kept thinking, that's what my fucking belly smells like right now. So then I had to fart again. Had to go open another fucking box. I just kept opening. Be like, dude, these boxes are all poop boxes. Where are these from?

I was embarrassed because he said it smelled so fucking bad. I just owned up to it. I'll do it in front of you. I didn't really know him. It was weird. We were in the stock room, and I didn't know the kid that well. I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed. Yeah. I'll fart in front of my friends. I didn't know that guy, and I didn't want to get fired. I didn't want him to be like, this guy's ripping shit in the fucking storage room. It was like my first job in L.A., and I was so nervous to lose it. I don't know why, but that brought up a story I've never told before where I was like –

I met a girl. I saw Nirvana play. Where? It was in Orange County, and it was like three weeks later. He died. He died. But I remember I asked this girl from work who I had a big crush on to go. I spent money, all the money I had. And she goes, I'll go watch Nirvana. And we were in the parking lot, and she's like, do you mosh pit?

Are you a mosh pitter? And I'm a little guy, right? It's like, yeah, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, mosh pit. You're like, I'm fucking, I'm small, but man, I'm like fucking like piece of iron. What? Yeah, I go, yo, you want to see? I start mosh pitting around, right? I don't know why I did this. In a parking lot? Yeah, in a parking lot. I was just showing her. Trying to be funny too.

And I started swinging my head like that, and I hit her fucking mouth. And her tooth broke. Shut the fuck up. I swear to God. It cracked. And she goes, ah! Like that. I'm sorry. And I remember her mom picked her up or something. You didn't even get to go see Nevada? I went. I was by myself. And I remember being sober. I was sober, too. And I remember being at the concert, being by myself. And I remember they were smoking pot.

in back of me. And I was like, and I was sober for like a couple years. And I remember turning going, can I take a hit of that? They go, fuck you. Fuck you.

So I said, okay. As if they knew about what happened in the parking lot? No, but it was almost as if they saved me from relapsing. That's nice, though. Yeah. Thank God. Whoever those non-shareable stoners. I don't know why the poop box story. I don't know. It got there, though. It got there in my mind. Was it like a first date for you with that girl? I never saw her again. Oh, that was the first and last date. That's it. First and last I ever saw her again. The first date I ever went on in Los Angeles, I took a bus to a gay bar in West Hollywood, met a girl.

Didn't know it was a gay bar. Just took a bus to meet her somewhere. I met her at this bar right on Santa Monica. Naked dudes, I mean, just everywhere. And I'm like, oh, is this a spot? She's like, yeah, it's really cool. There's like a hip area. I was like, oh, okay. And then the dude serving us was like, body shots! So I took a body shot off of this guy. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. A guy goes...

Wait, a guy goes... A guy that works there. Body shot! Yep, body shots. And you took a body shot. So what does that entail? He poured it on his chest and I drank it off his chest. You drank off a man's chest. Big black man, yeah. A big black man. I wanted to impress this chick. I thought it was fun. And then... Wait, wait, wait. She's watching you do a body shot on...

Off of a black man. Yeah, and then what did she do? She didn't do one I did one that's it. I know but afterwards was she weird like I never saw her again I didn't know what was I supposed to do? I know we make mistakes because you think I want her to like me I know we make mistakes And so this gay guy comes over I want to show her that I'm okay with my sexuality So the big black guy gets on the table

Oh, I wish. You know what? I wish I was there. Body shots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he lays down on the table. I would have been like, no. I would have grabbed her arm. No, dude. Dude. You're reading it wrong. I was 22. I didn't know. I would have grabbed her wrist. I go, no, no, no. Samantha's here. No, no, no. I would have done that. There's no way. By the way, though, she was planning on leaving me at the bar. I'll never forget. She was like, I think I'm going to go home. I was like, I'll get out of here, too. She's like, no, you can stay. I was like, oh, she does. She think I'm gay.

And I'm not. When was the first time you had sex? I did have a good time. 15. Marco Island, Florida. On a hotel room. Why are you smiling? I'm licking your lips. That's weird. Really weird. Memories in the corner of my mind. What happened? I traded a bottle of Captain Morgan's for a hotel room key. You did? Yeah. Do you remember the girl's name? Oh, yeah. She was my girlfriend. It was my high school girlfriend. My God. Yep. Condom, no condom. Condom broke.

That's right, dude. Condom broke. I'm dead serious. Condom broke. On purpose. Poke a little hole. Oh, no. This one ripped. No, the condom broke in the middle of us having sex. It was the only condom I had. Well, first of all, you're acting as if your dick was so powerful. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was probably sheepskin. No, it was a nice Trojan. It was just pointy. My penis is pointy.

He's circumcised, right? Yeah, but no. I mean, I have a tip. I have like a sharp tip. It's like a pencil. Is it really? No, seriously. It broke. You know how it broke? Yeah. I know. Oh, how? It was in my pocket at the beach all day. It was in the ocean with me. But then when you... Did you tell her, oh, it broke? I guess I went, oh, no. And she goes, what? And I go, nothing.

No, I told her immediately. I was like, oh my God, the condom broke. And she was like, what the fuck? What the fuck did you do? And I was like, I didn't do anything. Dude, I had to maneuver a condom from a friend. I was so scared to go buy one. Why? Can you buy condoms at 15? I think you can. You should be able to, yeah. But I was so scared to go get them. I had to get one from a guy who got one from a guy. Yeah, it's weird. There was probably like a 30-year-old on the beach. This was in the year 1995.

or something like that? 1998. Wow. That's when I moved to LA. Really? I lost my virginity when you moved to Los Angeles. Wow. That's the difference. The age difference between you and I? Yeah, look at we caught up. Isn't that weird? Bob! It's funny how you call me and you start crying. I do. I want to work. Can I get involved? I can't get any work. I really can't get any work.

Everyone's in a pandemic. What do you need to be doing? You are working. All right, stop. Bobby? No. Bobby? Stop. First of all, I've had a conversation with somebody that we both know that told me that you just got another offer for a job. Who? None of your fucking business. It's somebody I know that we know that just said you got another offer for a job. It's fine. Don't play dumb with me, pal.

Bro, we're in a pandemic. You act like I don't fucking know things. We're in a pandemic. I don't care. Why do you keep getting stuff? We're in a... Okay. Are you more talented than me? No, you're way more talented. No, we're the same. You can do accents. I gonna do accents. Hey, bro, how you doing? No, but my point is, you're just prettier than I am right now. You're prettier than I am in Hollywood right now. When you got... All right, I auditioned. They don't like me. Stop. When I auditioned for Mixology, right, I didn't even get past the casting director.

you got that specific job, that specific role. I remember in my head, laying in bed,

Right. Going, I couldn't even get to producers on that. And then when I found out that you got it right. I went, yeah, it's over for me. This is the new the new age. That's and it's so not true. It is. That's so not the new group. This is the young, hot people. Right. And it's same thing happened. You weren't in this, but Undateable when Undateable happened. Yeah. Same thing. I didn't even. Who were you going to be? I couldn't get an audition. Funches?

I couldn't even get an audition. Yeah. And then when all my friends, everyone got on it. You did love. And the people started guest starring on it. I was never asked. Whitney, I want to say this. Do it. And, you know, I love Whitney. We're like this. But... Like an A-frame house? This is the truth, but I just feel like this is going to be one of those regrettable... All right, so...

You know, I know Whitney. True. And I love her. I've always loved her. So when Whitney was casting, they were casting, everyone went in. Did you read for Whitney? Nope. Oh, shit. That makes me feel better. But everyone that I knew, aside from you, went in. Everyone except for you. Everyone. Not you. Not you. But everyone went in and...

I just started, and I call my agent. I go, can I get in? There's nothing in it. Or I don't know. We're not getting an appointment. There was a weird vibe, right? So I just started like outwardly complaining. Fucking Whitney brought her on the road. You know what I mean? Can't even get an audition. Who were you saying that to? Just friends? Delia, everybody. Everyone. Outwardly. So then one day I found out that the thing is pretty much cast or done casting. Then I get a call. Yeah, they want to see you.

So I memorize it, right? I go, I'm going into producers. I'm going to nail this fucking thing. I walk there. I go there. No producers. There's a girl with braces. Are you ready for your audition? And I go, what? And they put me in a storage room. And they just kind of filmed me on a little junky... Little handy can? Handy, handy can. Yeah. Right? And she goes, okay, thank you. No notes. No notes. You did great. And in my... Back of my head, I'm thinking...

Did they just do that so I would stop complaining or they just said, all right, you went in, but I didn't have a shot. They did that so you would shut up. That's genuinely someone being like, just let him fucking read for something then. Buffy! Oh my God, dude. Thank you so much for turning me on to Buffy, dude. You're welcome. I actually did turn you on to Buffy. You did. You gave me one and I'm like, what is this? And then I use it and now it's the only thing that's on my bed. Honestly, no joke. Bob and I have talked about this for a long time. We love Buffy. They are so good.

It's unbelievable. It's smooth eucalyptus fiber, and it feels softer than cotton, brah. It is softer than cotton, and it's earth-friendly. It's easy to grow, and it doesn't hurt the environment. It's breathable, cool to the touch. You are not going to sweat at night. If you sweat at night, get a Buffy. Me and Bob swear on our lives. You will no longer sweat. And all the products are also, dude, dude, dude, cruelty-free and hypoallergenic. That's right. No down feathers. No down feathers or animal products here, buddy. Yep. They got 20,000 five-star reviews.

Look, if you don't take anything from us, take this. Buffy is worth every single cent. They offer a free trial, free shipping, and returns. You can give it back if you don't like it. Try their products on your own bed for free before you commit to buying. If you don't love it, give it back and say, I don't like it, and then they'll go, fine, you don't have to pay anything. For $20 off your Buffy bedding, go to buffy.co and enter the code...

BetFriends. That's right. For $20 off the best sleep of your life, go to BuffyBetting. Go to Buffy.co. Enter the code BetFriends. DoorDash. DoorDash has saved my life, my friends. I love DoorDash. I don't leave the house. It's like they deliver food. Everything that I eat now is through DoorDash. It's super easy. It's the app. I'm sure you guys have it. If you don't have it, you need to download it. It's extremely convenient. It has so many restaurants on there and so many different kinds of options that they suggest to you with daily deals. It's super easy.

It's a simple app that brings you food, what you're craving right now, right to your door. Ordering is easy. Open up DoorDash app. Choose what you want to eat, and your food will be left safely outside your door with the new contactless delivery drop-off setting. That's right. 300,000 partners in the U.S., Puerto Rico, Canada, Australia. Support your local to-go's. Choose your favorite restaurant, man. Help support people. Stay open during a tough time. There's everything.

So many restaurants on here. Right now, our listeners are going to get $5 off your first order or $15 or more and zero delivery fees for the first month when you download the DoorDash app. And enter the code... BadFriends. That's $5 off your first order and zero delivery fees for the first month when you download the DoorDash app. BadFriends. Enter the code BadFriends. Don't forget, it's BadFriends for the code. Five bucks off. Download DoorDash. Do yourself a favor. With all the stories I just told you, right, there was a big time period in my career where I couldn't even get into rooms. So, yes...

I might be doing something with Mark and Jay Duplass. Okay? I pitched, you know what I mean? Andres, if I hear you laugh again, I'm going to break your fucking throat. I pitched to ABC. They bought my show. Right. Okay? You know, I might have a campaign here, a commercial campaign. Right? I've got a couple of other things. Two other shows I'm doing next week. So five things.

We're in a pandemic, buddy. Obviously we're not. We're in a pandemic. Obviously you're not. Your business is not in a pandemic. So, you know, hey, kiddo. Hey, kiddo. You'll get back on the horse.

You know what they say? You know what they say? You know what they say? Always stay out in the rain. Always stay out in the rain? Yeah, when it's raining. Who says that? I'm going inside. It's wet. No, no, no, you don't because if you don't stay out in the rain, you might not get struck by lightning. Why would I want to get fucking wet and then struck by lightning? It's an analogy. That's a terrible analogy? How about this one? I've been told. How about this one I've been told? What? Right?

Don't you hate it when things aren't going well in your career? People give you analogies. Yeah, they give me something that they think makes sense and it makes none. Hey, man. Someone once told me, hey, man, it's just like surfing. And I go, okay. How? It's like sometimes you'll ride –

a big wave. Meaning, you know what I mean? Like you'll get on a show. Yeah. And you'll, you mean it's a long ride, right? But then sometimes, right? There are no waves at all. And you're just sitting out there, right? But the most important thing, buddy, is just have fun with this being out there. You know what I've been doing? What? I've been boogie boarding for the past 10 years. I know.

I hate... I don't like that kind of stuff when someone tries to tell you that there's like a light at the tunnel for a thing. It's like, yeah, but it's my... These are our jobs. Yeah. I hate... You know what I hate the most? Stay out in the rain? Footprints in the sand. Oh, God. The Jesus thing? Yeah. You carried him and stuff? It's like, yeah. I don't know. I don't know...

I don't have it memorized. Am I saying the same one as you are? The footprint that Jesus carried me or whatever? Yeah, so in my life, right, I saw footprints with me and Jesus. But in my hardest times, it was only one set of footprints. And then it's basically God going, yeah, that's when I was carrying you. Right? Footprints in the sand. So basically it's this. If I went to – let's say I died of cancer. What kind? Cancer.

Pancreatitis. Do you think you'll get pancreatitis? No, I'm just giving you a fucking analogy. Let's say I died from pancreatitis cancer. Got it. And I go to heaven and I'm like bummed, right? And God's like, what's the matter, buddy? I just, you know, all my life, man, we had footprints side by side, bro. You know, and then when I had the fucking cancer, right? There was only one foot, a set of footprints and God going, that's because I was carrying you. Oh, cool. How about the second option? Now, don't give me cancer.

By the way... Thanks for the ride. Can I see this? Thanks for the ride, God, but how about no cancer? I want to see the footprints of the sand of him trying to pick you up and then stumbling a few times. Just side, sideways. It's like a drunkard on the beach. He drops you once and picks you back up. What was this big lump in the ground? Do you think Tito Bobby is going to go to heaven when he passes away, Rude? Big paws. Wow. Big paws. No, fuck you. Big paws. Big paws.

What the fuck? You really just heard me there. No, I was thinking. What were you thinking about? Yeah, what did you have to analyze? Are you thinking about yesterday when I walked into your room and I go, what's up, Jules? And she looks at me. She has tears. What happened? Running down her face. And I'm like, oh, fuck. Someone died. What happened, Jules? I finished an anime. What the fuck is that? What world are we living in?

You finished an anime and it made you cry? What was the end of it? Did everybody die? No, the best friends were parting ways. Wow. What, did they go off to school or something? No, the other one is going to his father and the other one is going back home. But none of them are dying. They could see each other again. Right. No one's going to pick them up in the sand, right? They still have to keep walking in the sand? Yeah, yeah. Wow. And that made you cry? Yeah, because it's the end.

Of what? Of their friendship? No, of the anime, of the show. I mean, that's what I'm dealing with. I know. You wouldn't cry at a funeral, would you? Have you ever been to a funeral? Yeah. Do you cry or no? I cry. You did? Every funeral you've cried? I've only went to like two. And did you cry on both? Dude, I went to my grandmother's funeral and I didn't cry. I didn't know how. Yeah. I didn't know how. Dude, I told you. I got to the casket. I got up to the casket.

Right up next to it. What was this, by the way? I was a kid. I was young. 10, 11, something like that. Oh, I thought recently. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is my dad's mom. And I get up to the casket and someone next to me is like, it's so sad. And I'm not kidding. I'm like this. Yeah, it's sad. I didn't know. I didn't. It's sad. I tried to pretend to cry. Yeah. Nothing came out. Nothing. I know. And then I walked away going.

Trying to cry. I couldn't do it. I don't know why. It was so surreal for me. When my dad died, he took his last breath. You took his last breath. You told me you sucked it right out of his mouth. Yeah. And as soon as he goes, right? You heard it? Yeah. And that's it. My mom and my brother acted as if it was the worst. It was pretty bad. Very bad. Yeah. One of the worst things ever. Yeah. Right.

But they were like doing rolls on the ground. Just losing it. You know what I mean? Flips. You know what I mean? Running through the wall, coming back in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And just bonkers. And you? I'm standing there. I'm just looking at my dad and just nothing. No tears? No. And I walk up to him. I kiss his forehead. I say, I love you. And I just walked out of the room. Yeah.

We handle it differently, huh? We all handle it differently. Have I told you what my uncle did? No, I don't think so. Maybe. Okay, so my dad's best friend is my uncle. All right? And we call him Jaganappa. Jaganappa. Small dad. I mean, that's the translation. Yeah. Jaganappa. So we call him and go, he's going to die soon. He's okay. And he drives from San Diego to Phoenix, California.

He walks in the hospital, the hospice. My dad had died maybe 20 minutes before he got there. Oh, he just missed it. He missed it. He walks in. He looks at the body like this, and he goes, bye. And he got in his car and drove back. No way. Swear to God. He just said bye? He goes, to us. He didn't say bye to him. Oh, I didn't say bye to him.

He didn't look at my dad and go, bye. That would have been so fucking funny. No, he just kind of looked and then looked at us and he goes, bye-bye. And he just left. Have you talked to him since? No. No. Yeah, that's it. Like I had an uncle growing up that wasn't my real uncle. But this is funny. I didn't know until I was a little bit older. When I say a little bit older, by the time I got cognitively aware that like, oh, clearly it's not my uncle. Yeah. His name was Ira. Yeah.

And he was a really, really in shape, good looking gay guy. Jewish gay guy. Wait, wait, you had a real uncle that was gay? Not my real uncle. I didn't know until later. I thought he was my, I called him Uncle Ira. Okay. He's my dad's good friend. Gay Jewish guy. I'm thinking this is my uncle. We don't have any Jews in our family. I was like, oh, I don't know. My Uncle Ira. And only later would I realize that he was gay. I didn't know. I just was like, Uncle Ira's in great shape and he always has so many friends. My dad is like, well, yeah, some of his friends are, you know.

They're really good friends. And I'm like, wow, this guy's got a lot of good friends. He always had like seven or eight dudes around him all the time. Young, good looking, you know, like 22, 23 year old dudes. And I just I was like, this guy is just so cool. All the guys want to be around him. Yeah. And then that's how I learned about body shots. No, but I'm going to have to delete that body shop story. It's shameful. Why? It's just so sad that I took a body shot off a guy. Yeah. Can I ask you something? Wait a minute. You've never done anything shameful like that?

Like I've sucked a dick before. Okay! Let me say something, ask you something. Yeah. When you talked about the Ira guy... Ira, yeah. Okay. It sparked something else that I thought I would never say, but I need your advice. Okay. So, I'm not going to tell you... I'm never going to tell you who it is. I know who it is already. No, you don't. Yeah, I do. Okay. You don't even know the gist of the story. You told me where it came from, so my brain is going to a place. Okay, so...

I was at a club, a comedy club, hanging out. Another comic. It was just me and this other comic. How long ago? Before the pandemic, probably a year ago. Okay. And he's just sitting there and he goes, hey, man, can I express something to you, man? Because I know your dad died, you know? It was like right after my dad died. And he goes, I go, yeah. He goes, I don't know, man. It's just like when I was a kid, my dad had a business partner. And I go, uh-huh. And the business partner...

would call the house and ask for me and i go huh basically man like he gave me a hundred bucks because we were poor you know what i mean we're poor i don't like to jerk them off you know what i mean and i and i was like i didn't know what to say what was the business it was a hand jerking it was like you know just a hand job handyman they called it handyman

Yeah. Wait a minute. But when somebody says something to you – Wait, he said his dad's business partner paid him $100 just to give him a handjob? Yeah. And he did it all the time? He did a lot. $100 is pretty good. That's what I told him. Yes, I guess. And he goes, oh, it is? Just a handjob? He goes, yeah. What year? It was in the 80s. I go, yeah. It's like $500 today. It's like – Wait, so he did a lot and he confessed to you? Yeah, and I kind of went – I didn't give him any advice because what do you say to somebody? I just said, all right, man.

I'm about to go up. He just got the light. Yeah, yeah. I gotta go. I just don't know how to deal with that kind of shit. To this day, have you ever talked to him about it? No. He wanted you to help him through that. He obviously was sexually abused. He also told me never to talk about it. We just talked about it. Yeah, but I didn't say his name. Let's take a guess. Let's have Rudy guess. No, no, no. We're not playing that game. Let's have Rudy guess. Anyway, that hasn't happened. His name starts with a...

Let's just say, we'll say who it is. He's an older comic. I don't want to talk about it. He's an older comic, Rudy. His name starts with a C. And his last name. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So C. Yep. H. It starts with CH. Right? The last name, right? T-O. All right. So. Chuck. Yes. To. It's just a T-O.

Oh, Tonti. Tonti! Chuck Tonti, dude. That guy's so good. He's such a good comic. I can't believe he did that stuff. Great one-liners. Great one-liners. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His point of view is very specific. You guys ever jerked off one of your dad's business partners for $100? God knows I have. It's good to be here. That's sad. I shouldn't make fun of that kid. Yeah, it's so sad. But he didn't have to kiss him or nothing. What?

You know, that brings up, right? That brings up like even this joke that we're doing. Yeah, it's a joke. It's a complete and utter joke. But I just feel like that we're in a time, you know, in America where we can't even joke about stuff like that. It's not a funny thing. Listen, anyone listening right now.

We're not – it's a terrible thing. They're fans. They know we're just kidding. I understand that, but I just – we have to now reiterate to them. Because you're afraid that someone's going to take that out of context? No.

You know, it's like I've been accused of a lot of things that are taking out of context out of podcasts. Sure. But anybody that knows, anyone that knows that means anything in the business, i.e. all the people that you're working with right now, they know that this is – that we're fucking around. We're having a good time. Yeah, but still people on the internet and Reddit and people, they just start like coming up with their own like theories. Why do you think that is? I don't know. Huh.

Do you think it's because people are bored and they have nothing fucking better to do? No. The pandemic? I think that a lot of people out there have been hurt in the past and have been victimized. And I think there's a lot of anger and rage that goes on with that. And I'm all for fighting for the little man and fighting against oppression and wrongdoings. But it's like – there comes to a point where it's like – it is getting out of hand. Yeah.

Well, I think people are going to pull stuff out of context on a podcast because it's the easiest thing to do. To just go, oh, they made a joke about that and it wasn't okay. You can say every joke is not okay. You can say that with every joke ever made. You can go, that's not okay. That's not an okay thing to say. But people also seem to think that everything that I say or what we say is truth.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. No. Yeah. And we're so far. I mean, it's like, you know, yeah, maybe 80 percent of my stories are based on some sort of truth. But we embellish things. Right. We will put in new characters. Yeah. And change things to make the story funnier or better because more more storyteller. Well, that's what comics do. Well, like, for instance, that story you just told that guy, he didn't give him a handjob. He used to blow his dad's friend. Fuck him.

No condom. Right in the asshole. We're going to get written up for that. You know what's so funny, though? What? People. People are strange. People are strange. And you're a stranger. But look, then some people are getting in trouble when you know it was coming. That's what's even funnier to me. Like the Joe Biden, the guy that got in trouble for, he wrote Joe and the Hoe. Did you see that campaign that they did? I was like, you know you're going to get fired.

A guy tweeted an image that was like Joe Biden's Twitter campaign or whatever. And he tweeted it and it basically just said Joe in the hoe. And he was like a professional photographer or something who was, you know, I was like, how do you not know that you this is what I mean. Like if someone pulls something out of context for us. Yeah. What are you going to do? They the fucking they just they they what what a weird. That's Joe. What a weird. That's Joe. Yeah. Yeah. No, Joe. And the hoe was a thing that someone just. Yeah. Look at this. Yeah.

Look at this. And he tweeted this. Yeah. And then he got fired for it. Almost immediately, obviously, because, you know, how do you not know that that's going to get you fucking fired? Especially if you had a job that has profile. First of all, you would know that. That's what I'm saying. Like, how obvious. Yeah. But that's my point is, like, when the internet calls out stuff that's, like, ridiculous like that, I go, yeah, come on, dude. That guy fucking... You got to know that that's the dumbest thing. But when somebody takes something out of context as a story from a fucking podcast of us just joking around, I just...

How do you not know the difference? That's just like you're of course they're going to fucking yell at you about that. I'm not saying the guy should be fucking strung out to dry and kill him for that. But it's like, well, he knows that's dumb. That's a dumb thing to tweet. It's just concerning to me. Yeah. I mean, you know, I don't know. We're going to make it out alive as soon as we get out of the pandy. I think we're going to be fine. And when do you when when when when is going to lead us out of the pandy? When is that going to happen? Rudy, when's it going to happen?

Next year. What time? You're the soothsayer. You know. April. April. Of next year? April 2021. Oh, my God. God, how many months is left now? September, October, November, January, February, March, April. I have to count on my hands. I don't know how to do that month. Seven months? This is so crazy. Think about it. Do you really think seven more months? When's the last time you did stand-up?

Philadelphia, Philly Punchline, March 8th. Yeah, me too. March sometime. March 8th and 9th. How long has it been? April, May, June, July, August. Five months.

I don't feel like a stand-up anymore. I don't either. You know, it's so funny. I don't even think I'm a stand-up anymore. We're not. We're podcast guys. We're podcast guys now. Look at us. One, two, three. Podcast guys! Welcome back to podcast guys. No, I don't feel like a stand-up at all. Yeah. I got an offer. What is it? Outdoor show, 20 people. La Jolla? No, that I did get already as well. Outdoor show, 20 people. Where? I'm not going to mention it because I don't want to... Are you going to do it? Yeah. 20 people. Yeah, I mean, I've got...

Every day I get calls. I can't do that. There was a televised thing they asked me to do. I can't tell you who it was, but probably the same guy. But it was going to be on streaming, and it's 20, 40 people in a big park. And I'm like, yeah. I go, I'm not doing stand-up until it's back in the club. Until it's stand-up again. Yeah. Look, I don't blame people for doing it. I just don't think I'm going to be good at it. I said on this other podcast –

If you and I got to go on a tour and do a little fun thing, yeah, we would probably have some fun. But it's so hard to route. It's tough to like get in a bus and then we have to drive all the way across the country. Yeah, it's like back when we were doing stand-up and somebody – you'd run into an alternative comic. He'd say, hey, man, I have this show in Silver Lake at a laundromat.

And every once in a while he'll go, fuck it. He asks me every fucking week. He's a good dude. I like him. So I drive over there and it's like there's just 20 people in a laundromat. You hear some lady dropping change. And it's like – and the comics up there are like reading other jokes off of a notebook and they're crushing. Right? And I go up there to do my performance piece. Nothing. Nothing. And then you think – and then you get off and you go, man, I fucking ate it. I haven't eaten that in so long. They're like, you did well. Yeah.

It's the same thing as this. It's going to be the same thing. Yeah, you're not going to be able to feel it at all. Yeah, you're not going to be able to feel it. I like being on stage and getting... Right? And dicks in the audience getting hard. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just like... You know what I mean? Juices. I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like cricket, cricket, cricket. I don't like that. The outdoor thing has got to be tough. I think a lot of people are just doing it and dealing with it, but I just don't...

I don't know, man. Maybe you and I should go do one outdoor show. Well, I don't know. I mean, it's because we, if you're listening, Andrew and I were trying to do a road. We were going to do a road tour, yeah. A road tour, maybe podcast in certain towns, right? You come out, you know, outside. You know, I would do that. Like, let's get a... It's just really hard to do. It's hard to, like, figure out where you can go. Okay, not do stand-up, but let's get a minivan. Not a minivan, but, like, a trailer. Well, how about this?

a long time ago, Rogan wanted to buy one of those Sprinter vans. Yeah. And he was like, dude, if you outfitted a Sprinter van with a bunch of cameras, you could podcast from the van on the way to whatever venue we're going to. Yeah. I was like, that's a genius idea. And he never did it. And I was like, just because he was like, you could rent one of these Sprinter vans or buy them, which is what he wanted to do and just put cameras in them. And we could just pod from there. We'd have Fancy B working the controls. Would you be in there with us, Fancy B? Of course. Fancy B could drive. Can you drive? Do you have a license? I do. Do they give you guys licenses? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Fancy B could drive, right? Jules would have to go. Yeah, she has to be shotgun. Shotgun. Can you stay awake for long trips, though? I don't want you falling asleep in case Fancy B dozes off. I always sleep on car rides. She always does. Okay, so we can't have her in the front. We have to have someone that's a co-pilot that can stay awake. What if we give you a little bump of cocaine? You think you can stay awake? You've never done drugs. Look at me in the face and say I've never done drugs. She never has. Say I promise. I promise. But we go to town to town. We'll do four cities. Okay.

Four cities. Start with four cities. Where do we go first? We probably go to Phoenix. Phoenix. Right. Then to? Albuquerque. Albuquerque. Austin. Austin. Houston. Houston, Dallas. Yeah. Back home. Yeah. That we could do. A little Southwest tour? Yeah. Okay. No, I'm being real. I know. We'll call. We pod it.

And pot in a van, right? Don't you think that's a good idea? No, but we have to set up venues where we can do our podcast. It's a live podcast. Yeah, outside though. Outside.

And figure that out. You think we should be – you think we would be able to do that? Yeah. Live pod outside and then people just show up in their cars like that? No seats or nothing, right? No chairs? No, we could even do seats and just have like some sort of like social distancing merch table where we sell stuff. We'll make Fancy B or George sell. Fancy, will you go sell merch? Yes. Or we have – or people can just – what I would love is people wait in line, right?

We have a table set up, and you and I are just standing. There's a whole area where we're way far back from people. 30, 40 feet. 20 feet. 20 feet. Right? And people can say hi, right? And we just go, what's up, man? What's up? Thank you for coming in and that kind of thing.

And then we'll do we'll do we'll do a plexiglass. Yeah. And we'll like the scientists do when they're doing experiments. We'll have our hands through with the gloves. Yeah. I'm talking about and we can we can wave to people and shake their hands through those gloves. You also do a peck plexiglass thing to take photos with people. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. But our hands can go through the gloves like the scientists do. Yeah. That's cool. And we can high five them. Yeah. And they can kiss us on the glass if they want to kiss us on the glass. Kisses five bucks. Obviously. Yeah.

Or smear your tit against the window. Yeah, put your tit on the plexi. Plexi tits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'll shake hands and we'll say hi to people. You want to do that? Yeah, I do.

And if they can't hear us, we'll put a string through it like a can. Remember when you used to do cans when you were a kid? Yeah, yeah. I'm down to do it. If you're down to do it and we get in a bus, we can do it. We have to rent a big bus and do it. We have to sleep on the bus. Yeah, it's got to have beds in it. Yeah, so we do a trailer. What do you call them? RV, right? Yeah, we'll do an RV. A cool RV. You know, probably George and –

George, Fancy B. Fancy B, Jules. And us. Are we bringing our ladies or no? They have to leave them. Yeah. Because there's nowhere for them to sleep and they can't sleep with us. We need to sleep in our beds alone. Yeah. So George and Fancy B share a bed. Rudy gets one and you and I get one. Three beds. Yeah. Well, three beds, but four. You guys are fine sharing a bed, aren't you, Fancy? But if you look at one of those trailers, there's a back section, right, where the main bed is. That's me and you.

We're sleeping in there together. Okay. Yeah, but we got to get it. Yeah, but separate beds. We'll put a piece of glass between us. No, no. I'm not sleeping next to you in that way. You wouldn't sleep in bed with me? You're a fucking mom. You wouldn't sleep in a bed with me? No. Please? No. Please. But then on the side, there's these individual beds on the tour bus, right? Yeah, and they get those. They get those. There's always four. How about this? This will be great. Here's what we'll do because we want a democracy. Yeah. You can get the main bed. I'll take – because four beds, I'll take the top. No, here's the deal.

We switch over who gets what bed what night. It's a gamble. We put our name in a hat. No, no, no. I'll just take a small bed. I'll take a small bed on the top, but I don't get a room. You can take the main bed in the back. Sounds great to me. Okay, good. You can take the main bed in the back. You don't want the main bed? I like the little bed. I like the little bed. Because it feels like back home. That's racial, but on my own. What do you mean that's racial? Back home. I have a fucking...

A couple king-sized beds right at home. Back in Korea. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a small bed. Tiny little beds down there in Korea. Yeah, tiny beds. Yeah. Let's do it, though. No, I'm serious. If you really want to do it, we should plan it. No, but I don't want you to just say it. Let's make the call. We'll do it for the fall. I'll call after this. In the fall. Well, yeah. I was saying earlier. We're approaching the fall. Do you know what time of year it is right now? We're about to be in the fall in like three weeks. Yeah, the fall. I want the fall. Can we call one of our agents and see if we can do it right now? Yeah, let's do it. You want to? Yeah. Who do I call? We'll call your agent.

Let's see. Let's see what he says. Hello. Matt Blake, Andrew Santino. Great to talk to you, bud. What's up, Santino? How are you, buddy? It's me too, Bobby. Bobby's here. Your agent. I mean, your agent. Your client. What's up, Bobby? Your client. You're on our show. Hey, Bobby. How are you? You're on our show right now. You're on our show. Oh, boy. Mm-hmm. Is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that?

Do you have sleep apnea?

I do. You do, don't you? Yeah. I can hear it when you breathe. I do have it. I'm dead serious. Like if you hear, let's be silent for two seconds. Will you just breathe into the mic? I've been smoking too much, I think. I got to quit. Let me hear you breathe with your nose into the mic. Just your nose. Go. Oh yeah, there it is. I can hear it. You have sleep apnea, huh? In the middle of the night, you go. Oh, I make noises at night. Yeah. I make like these kind of noise. Yeah. Yeah. And it drives Kalilah crazy.

But then Joe Coy has it. Joe Rogan Coy? No, Joe Rogan Coy has it. And he has to wear one of those Bane masks to go to sleep. Yeah. And I saw him wear it once. And I go, I just don't want to. But I think it's the smoking. You think the smoking is causing it? Yeah, I'm smoking a lot. I need to quit. But sleep apnea, you can die from it in the middle of the night. You know that, right? That's why he wears a mask. Yeah. But how many are you smoking now? Are you smoking a pack a day? No less. No less.

But I've been having a hard time breathing. Let me ask you something real. I'm not being mean. Does Kalilah make you brush your teeth before you kiss her after you smoke? A couple times, yeah. She's like, get in there and wash out the trench before you get over here. Yeah, I think I need to get healthier or I'm going to die. I don't think you're going to die right now from smoking, but it's definitely going to hurt you in the long run, I guess. Yes, it is going to. I'm having a hard time breathing, I think, in general. Like when you just walked up the stairs after you smoked? It was like Mount Everest. Mount Everest.

Seriously, it's hard. Yeah. Are you breathing heavy? Yeah. Here's a good pulse. Here, check your pulse. I put your here. No, I have high blood pressure. Well, how many beats per minute are you? 42. That's literally impossible. I don't know. 42 would be like a high-end athlete. That's like a world-class athlete is sub-60. 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Yeah, 42. 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. What is that, a Broadway play? 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8? Yeah, I have real conditions. Are you taking blood pressure meds?

Yeah, I am. What's it called? Amlopene. Amlopene? Yeah. And what is it for? Is it for people who have high blood pressure? I've never heard of that one. Does it affect you any other way or no? It affects my dick a little bit. You can't get your pee-pee hard? Yeah. Are you being serious? Well, I was making love to Kalilah the other night. Right.

And she was looking at my talons. Your hook feet? Yeah, like I don't cut my nails. So she took a glimpse of my toes sticking out of the blankets like this. And then she was just like, that took me out of it a little bit. Don't look at my feet. Show your feet. I don't want to show my feet. Show your feet. No. I'll show my feet. You show your feet. No. You end up on wiki feet. I don't want to be on wiki feet. I have bad feet. What if you're already on wiki feet for having weird feet? I'm not on wiki feet. Have you looked? Yeah. How do you know?

There's no way I'm on WikiFeet. Celebrity search. Let's see. Bobby Lee. God, I hope so bad you're on WikiFeet. Damn it. Nothing. Whose feet do you think that are on here that you want to see on WikiFeet? I'd like to see... Brad Pitt? Brad Pitt's feet. You think he's got hot feet? I didn't even know there was a WikiFeet. Yeah, WikiFeet, feet, feet. Brad Pitt, too many Ts. Too many Ts. How did they not got that guy's foot? Because he's wearing shoes all the time. He got to take off them shoes. No. Who do we have here?

This says celebrities, but I don't know any of these names. Ely Goulding, she's a singer. Alicia Ambrosio, Vanessa Hudgens. Isn't this weird? There's a real site dedicated to people's feet. It's not nudity. I've never had like a foot fetish. Have you? No. I mean, I think like women's legs and feet are sexy. I do too. But I don't. But like this, look, there's no nudity, but just somebody. But I've seen porn where like the guy is like taking a woman's foot.

And then he takes the bottom of the feet, sandwiches his penis in between. Yeah. You know what I mean? And then the girl has to do this weird like, you know what I mean, this move. And the guy's like, yeah. You know what I mean? I'm like, what? The whole time I'd be like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I don't get it. This is the thing. People like this. They like to look at their feet. What is that, Rudy? Do you have a fascination with feet? Do you know why people do?

I don't know. It's sexy for them? I guess, but it's kind of weird sexy. It's just a foot. Let me see. Let's say, because I know that you're attracted to Harry Styles, right? Let's see if his feet are on here. How do you spell his name? H-A-R-R-Y-S-T-Y-L-E-S? Yeah.

Come on, WikiFeed. What a crock of shit. All right, so Jules. Feet of the year. Let's suppose you're making love to Harry Styles and you look down and his feet, right, were like green and black because of like, you know. If they were like Tito Bobby's. Like my feet. Would that turn you off? And they smelt like that?

Kind of, but I think I'd still do it. Right, because you just love him so much. That's how hot that guy is. Wow. But you know what's so crazy about this? Feet carry the weight of your body. They're inherently going to be gross. I don't care how good you take care of your feet. You're going to have gross feet that carry the weight of your body, and they're the bottoms of our body, right? It's the same way I feel about, like, why are we attracted to butts?

It's your poop portal, and I don't know why we like it. But I'm not like – I'm very specific with butts. Like what kind of butt do you like? Like I know – I have certain friends that like booty. Black guys. I'm not going to say that. Black guys. That's what I meant. I did mean that. Yeah. Yeah, right? But they're just like thick-ass booties, right? They love big booties. And I look at – like look at this one on the internet or whatever, and I go –

I like it to a degree. You like a regular butt. But I don't like it when it's cartoony. I don't like cartoony butts either. And now people are getting butt implants and I see girls and it's insane. It's too cartoony for me. I like regular butts. I'm a vag guy. Right. That part I like too. Yeah, yeah. And there are certain ways of vag looks where I just get turned off. But that's – I'm not body shaming anybody. Yeah, you are.

Whatever your vag looks like, that's on you. That's fine. No, whatever. Just the way you're doing your hands. You're like, whatever your vag looks like. Let me ask you this. If you...

Let's suppose you're not married and you meet the most beautiful woman you've ever met. Yeah, I see her now. Okay, and she spreads over her – you're eating the vagina. Just don't be too graphic. I'm not. You're eating the vag. I'm going down on her. That's the best way to say it. You're going down on my vag. I'm not a doctor. Yeah. And you open up the cavernous hole. The flower. And you – instead of a clit, right? Instead of a clit, there's a little penis there.

You're like, in the beginning, you're like, is that a clit? But then it just gets erect. Right. And it just gets hard. And it's literally, you know, you have the head and the head and the head. And I pull away and I go, what is that? And she says, yeah, I was just born with a little penis inside my vagina. Oh, whoa. And then she looks at you and she goes, will you suck it, please? Would you suck it? What if I get it? You do a lick first. Yeah.

Yeah, you would do a quick lick. Just one. Okay, that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If she's the most beautiful woman I've ever met in my life. Yeah, she's like, more, please. Right, right. And then I would say, I have enough money. Can we get it taken off? She's like, no, I really like... That's where I get all my sensation. Actually, I come out of it. Right? So she's like, just suck it, right? And... Yeah, like I stick it in my mouth real quick. And back it back out? Yeah. And then what if it just...

It just sprays in your face. You know what I mean? Like just hot milk. You know what I always thought would be really cool was if a girl had one big boob, if there was just one boob on a chest. Anything one boob would be cool? Yeah. Two boobs is weird. One big boob would be cool if it was just one big mound boob. I have fantasies about limbs missing.

Like a girl with one leg gone? Yeah, a leg gone. Like a removable? No, I wouldn't want that. That makes me laugh. Yeah, I wouldn't laugh too hard. If a girl gets in bed, it goes... Takes off her legs. I would laugh so hard. Right? And she just puts them on the counter. Her eyes. Like a Mr. Potato Head.

I would laugh so hard. And then she's just a body? I would laugh so hard. I would still do it. Wait, you have fantasies about people with missing limbs? Yeah, one time I was at the La Jolla Comedy Store and there was a girl. I just saw her face and she was beautiful. And I looked down and she just had nubs. Both of her arms? Both of her arms. Jeez. And I thought to myself, yeah. Still? 100%. But then you'd have to drive all the time. Yep. And that's the excuse. Yeah. You can't, you know. But you never have to give her a hug.

That's true. She's never going to be like, hug me goodbye. You're like, I just wave. Yeah, but then you have to wipe everything down. Is waving rude? Right, right. Is that like showing off? Oh, that's not how I would wave. You know how I would wave? Right, I would be like, bye. And I would wave with my elbow. See ya. See you. Yeah. This is crazy, but there was a guy sitting at the bar and where were we in Austin? At Cap City? And we were outside of the bar all night. I was drinking with this guy, talking, laughing.

He gets up to go away and he's got one of those legs where the shoe is big. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's like a big shoe because one leg is really, really short. And I saw him get down. He goes, I'll take it easy.

And I didn't know what to say. And I'm looking at it and I go, oh my God, that's a... I got so uncomfortable. And he was like, what's up? And I was like, those custom shoes are dope. And he was like, oh yeah, yeah. I have to get it because my one leg is longer than the other one. I was like, I know. I see it. It's weird. I don't know what to say sometimes when you see that stuff. I was at the Ice House and there was a line...

to come to my show, right? And there was a group of guys and one guy was making like the funniest face. It was like this. Just fucking around. Yeah. He was like in front of his face. I go, that's a funny face. And he goes, what do you mean?

And that was his face. Like he had some sort of like, you know. Disorder. Disorder, right? He was being that. And I was like, I mean, you know what I mean? You're handsome. You don't know what to say. What if he does a regular face and he looks like us? Like this is him all the time and he's like, oh, look, I'm one of you guys. Oh, yeah. And he goes right back to it. Yeah. Do regular face. Do regular face, Mike. He's like.

Yeah. They have a nice laugh at us. Yeah. Hey, we all have to make fun of each other equally. Isn't that right, Poop? Yeah. Have I talked about Body Bazaar? I have, right? No. What is Body Bazaar? It's one of my favorite shows in the whole world. Do you know what this is? No. Body Bazaar is the best show ever. On what?

It sounds like an old HBO show. No, it's new. They have new seasons. Body Bazaar. I'm telling you right now. Look it up. Body Bazaar. Yeah, show. Okay. Well, tell me more. What is it? What's the deal? Every episode, there's like three or four different cases of people with disorders that are very unusual. Oh, dude. I've seen this.

Yeah, Body Bazaar. I've seen this, Body Bazaar. Yeah. I've seen this before. Yeah, I've seen... I saw a guy that has hair growing out of his eyeballs and stuff. They got the hairiest man in the world. I've seen that guy. Or what about a guy that lives in the jungle and he's a tree? Yeah, he's made out of... He's a tree man, right? Oh, look at this. Tallest woman in the world. Yeah. Tallest boy and the... Wait. The tallest boy and the man with his...

The tallest boy, that's a boy. Is that a boy? That's a woman. It says the tallest boy. In the man, that's a woman. It says the tallest boy, my friend. That's not a boy. I've seen that episode. That's a woman. It literally says the tallest boy. So that's a boy.

And the man with his first hand. That's just the background of the actual show that has nothing to do with the... This stuff is crazy. Oh, that one right there. Twins? Attached to the head. Twins who have... Hold on. Twins that have attached to the head. That blows my mind. Dude, if you and I... If you and I refused? If you and I refused to the head...

And we had the same personality, our same dynamic. The worst thing in the world. They just one day would find our skeletal body. One with a fucking, you know, in our skeleton, a fucking sword sticking out, right? One's completely burnt on fire. I mean, imagine every night.

Because I don't sleep until 6 in the morning. I'd fucking kill you. I would fucking kill you. Yeah. I'd kill you so fast. I would kill you so fucking—how would you kill me? Slit your throat. No, but if we're head-to-head. Yeah, and I go— The top of my—oh, right, right. I'd stab you. Yeah, and I would do this. We would be in a stabbing war like this. Yeah, oh my god. This poor woman—some of these cases are just insane. Insane. That's crazy. That's you and me. What can I say? We're attached to the hip. Yeah. That's the craziest kind of stuff to me. That their bodies are fused. Yeah.

You know what I don't like about the one I watch? Whoa. Check it out. Wait, hold on. Just look at this one. Whoa. I know, dude. Over here, please. Over here, please. Yeah. What are you looking at? Terrible. Yeah. What don't you like? I hate like...

You know how white people want to fix people? What? When do I try to fix you? Check it out. All right. Well, sometimes you'll see like in a village in India, a girl will be born with like 12 arms. And what happens when that happens? What do you mean? She's the coolest girl in town. Well, yeah. The villagers find her. They worship her as a god. Yeah, she's fascinating. They put her in a temple. They think she's Shiva. They pray, right? But then some white British doctor goes, I'll do it for free.

I'll do the surgery for free to make his –

And then she just – he removes all the arms. She's not a god anymore. And then like eight years later, she's working at a naan factory. Right? Yeah. With just regular arms. Yeah. And she's like, this is fucking bullshit. I used to be a god. They used to throw petals at my feet when I walked out of the house. Yeah, I didn't do shit. Now I've got to fucking make naan all day? And the doctor's like, well, I did it for free. Yeah. White savior shit is funny. I hate white savior. If I had 12 arms, I would just say, please don't remove them.

Well, how about the one guy that left his arm so long in the air that his arm fused that way? Did you ever see that guy? He held his arm up for like 60 years. No, there's no way. Swear to God. There's a guy that held his arm up in the air. Man holds arm in air. Dude, he held up his arm in the air for like, look, there he is. Boom, there's my guy.

Indian Sadhu keeps his arm raised for 38 years. Sorry, I was wrong. 38 years. This guy. Look at this guy. Yeah. Why? This is years ago. Why? He was waving to somebody and they just didn't see, so he left it up there until they... I will not put it down until he waves back. This was a long time ago, this guy, though. Wow. His devotion. Look, this is years and years ago. Amir Bharati claims to have kept his hand raised for 38 years.

in devotion to Hindu deity Shiva. You know what I would do to him? Shiva's the one we're talking about with so many arms. You know what I would do to him? What? If I was his buddy, right? No, no, no. He'd be like this, right? And I would pull his fingers up so he'd do this motion. So it's like a Hitler thing. You're like Hindu, huh? He was like, I can't pull it down. He can't pull it down. Please help. Help, help, help. Twist my fingers back.

But they showed this guy pictures of this guy. You can see his fingernails grew super, super long. It's crazy to me, dude. Yeah. What people do. Look at this guy and look at how skinny his arm is. Oh my God. It's a stick now.

Yeah, and look at his finger. Those are his fingernails. That's how long those are. Those are his fingernails. So I guess if you don't move it, you lose all the muscle. Well, the muscle dies, and then the bone fuses that way. Wow, and the bone fuses that way. Yeah. There's no energy that that takes then. Nope. Right. He would do great in New York. But he's got a cell phone. Look at him. Yeah, he's calling. He's calling. He's calling his Uber. He's hailing his Uber. Yeah. Can you imagine? Yeah, that's insane. Left his arm for 38 years.

That kind of stuff is crazy to me. Dude, honestly, some people have way more discipline. That's discipline. And that's how we're going to get you to quit smoking. Will you read a book? I have a book for you to quit smoking. Yeah, I need to do it. I'm serious. You got to quit. I need to do it soon. Everyone that's listening, all the fans, write in on Bobby's Instagram page, quit smoking. Everyone write quit smoking in the comments. Yeah, I need to quit. It's affecting my lungs. Well, what can we do to get you to quit for real?

How are you willing to go about quitting? Well, I'm doing less, so I'm more mindful about when I do it. How about this? Here's a way to do it. Go into your pack and throw away half of the pack. I have 15 packs at home. Okay, this isn't going to work. Yeah. Wait, really? You have 15? You bought a carton? Yeah, I have like 100 packs. Why? So I don't run out. All right, you're going to go home, Rude, and you're going to throw... He isn't aware it is. I hate him. Why do you do this? I hide it. Can you find his cigarettes? Do you know where they are? Maybe on his bed.

In his bed? Like at the side. Oh, he does. There's a table, but it's really disgusting. It is. What do you mean? There's like ants. There's ants inside your house on your side bedside table? Yeah. So we have these two beautiful side, you know, bedside tables. Bedside tables. Yeah.

And Kalilah and I are the same style. Right. But her drawer has these little compartments. She put little boxes in there. This is where my meds go. Right. This is where the keys go, right? If you open mine, it's like a fucking aerial view of fucking Vietnam. I mean, it's like... What's in there? Is there food in there? Yeah. Food wrappers, old donuts, ants. Do you eat food in bed? Fingernails. You eat food in bed? Skin. Skin.

Does Kali let you eat food in bed? No, but what I'll do is she'll fall asleep and I'll go Indian style in front of my bedside table. And I prop my iPad on it. Then I watch horror movies. And then I'll be eating a Snickers bar. You know what I mean? And then I'll take powder. Powder? Yeah, I take this stuff called Dream Powder. It helps me to go to sleep. Oh, does it? Not really. So I'll be eating Snickers. I'll do Dream Powder.

And I'll drink a Diet Coke. And I'll be like, I don't want to go to the kitchen. I'll just throw it in the fucking drawer. So you throw it in the drawer next to your bed. Yeah, yeah. And it's never been cleaned. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Everyone needs to write in, Bobby. I have problems. Quit smoking. No, quit smoking. Yeah. That's the first thing we're going to take care of. Next week, we're going to do an exercise on how to quit smoking. Yeah. I might be too late, though. No, no, no, no, no. You're never too late. My lungs are over. My dad smoked for like 35 years and he quit. You did? How long did you smoke for? You've only been smoking for like 15? Since I was 18. All right. So 45 years for you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We're going to get you to quit smoking, okay? Your dad is still alive?

Yeah, and his lungs are clean now. They are? I mean, they're cleaner than when he was smoking. Yeah. Will you please quit? Yeah, I'm going to try. All right. All right. Thank you for being a bad friend.

This is that.

What was weird is that not only that is exactly what was weird is that not only that is exactly what was weird is that not only that is exactly.

This is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that,

Is that. Is that.