The Yin and Yang of Earthquakes 01:21:13

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We get sad because, um...

We know that a lot of you like it. Yeah. And we want you to get notifications for it. To see it, so you can see it. We don't want to rely on, you know, YouTube. To make sure you catch it. To make sure, you know, we're in people's faces. Yeah, we're going to be in your face right now. Yeah, so please subscribe. Okay, do it now. Seriously, we're just going to wait until you do it. I'm not going to talk until you do it. No, we're not going to do the show until you do it. I'm not going to talk until you do it. Go. Go.

You're not doing it. We're not going to go then until you do it. Just fucking press the fucking... Now. Press it. All right, relax. Sorry. They're going to do it. All right. You two are... Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Hey! So I come in here today feeling so jolly and carefree, as they say.

I understand. I walk in here and I see this nice little painting here. Yeah. And this is me as a Chinaman. Are you Chinese in that? I don't know what he is, but I'm not. Do you not know that's a Korean warrior? Okay, but I'm not. That's a Hotu. Do you know what a Hotu is? What are you there?

An English dignitary? Yeah, exactly. I'm a pretty boy. Okay, you look regal in that. Yeah. Like you run some shit. I'm royalty. I'm carrying rice. To me, the royalty to eat. I'm hungry. Yeah, but I live in Wuhan, right? And I have to carry it to England. That's right. 90,000 pounds of rice on my head. On your shoulder.

Oh my god. But this is hand-drawn by a man by the name of Jack Hansby. Let me read the letter. Hi Bobby, love your stuff a lot. So I painted you a painting. Hope you like it. If not... So, um... Welcome to the podcast, bad friends. I didn't sleep good at all. Same. You want to talk about it? Well, I want to talk... What I've been, um... Actually, um...

I have a lot of fear, and I have a lot of questions in life because what happened was – I'll just say this. A couple nights ago in L.A., there was an earthquake at around 3.34 in the morning. And I know. Let me just explain. Okay. And –

So the earthquake erupts, and I know what Juliana did. Juliana, you probably slept right through it, right? Yeah. Right. She slept right through it. I was already awake. The earthquake, I was playing this game on my iPad. It's called Palace and Conquerors or something like that. And earthquake happened, and I kind of looked up. It was over, and then I started playing my game again. Maybe I didn't stop playing. I don't know. Yeah.

So some people react like that. There are those also. So I have a friend. I have a friend, right? You may or may not know him. But the earthquake happened and he woke up. He was sleeping. He went, whoo. He went, whoo.

What's going on? Right? And put a lot of rush to his head, right? And that's a reaction of some people would call that cowardly. Some people would call that weak. I call it he was just scared, surprised. So he goes, oh, oh, oh, oh. And he goes to the bathroom because he has to take a fear shit. Now, a lot of white people, when they get scared, they take fear shits.

And it's like, it's a combination of gas and diarrhea, right? Maybe a little bit of blood. And so he took his little fear shit. And as he got up from the fear shit, he goes, oops. He goes, this is what he goes. He goes, oops, I lose consciousness. And he hits his head, you know what I mean, on a cabinet. And he almost gouges his eye out.

And so – and then what happens is he goes, wifey, wifey, I hurt. I got scared from –

From the earthquake. Right? It's cozy. They always go to the ice field. This is almost as bad as your stand-up comedy. That's how bad this bit is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a bad bit. Yeah, yeah. Your whole life is a bad bit. Why are you so angry right now? Because you spent four minutes on a dog shit story that's not even real. That's what happened to you. I woke up. That's what happened to you. I had a couple of drinks. Why is he so angry today? Can I tell the real story? I woke up.

I'm having so much joy. Stuff was breaking, so I ran into the guest room. Yeah. And I had woken up so fast that my equilibrium was off because I also had a couple drinks with my neighbor. Oh, I didn't know that. Well, throw in the details next time you call me. You're not listening anyway, Bob. You don't listen to me.

I need details like Hemingway. I need specific what the sunset looks like. You can't just say sunset. You got to say glowing red. No, Hemingway said sunset made you figure it out. You can figure out the rest. In this case, Hemingway, I had a couple of drinks. I woke up. I went to go hear what was breaking, see if the dog was okay. And then when I walked back to the room, I lost my balance because the blood was rushed to my head. I got up so fast and the earthquake was still shaking that I sat on the hallway toilet in the bathroom. What?

To level myself. But I had flipped. My up and down had flipped so much, I blacked out. I blacked out. And I hit my head. Yeah. So what's the difference between the story that I told and your story? You threw in unnecessary... You said coward, lie, not true. I wanted to make sure my dog and my house were okay. You know what? You're right. Stuff was breaking. I got nervous. I thought, oh my God. What if the TV fell on the dog?

What if the TV fell on the dog? The dog. Meanwhile, you're playing. I'm 50. I like iPad games at 3 a.m. You're you're in. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Rudy, do you like your new painting? Yeah, I did. I went to the ER. No, but look at my eyes busted for the fans. Yeah. And I went and got my skull and my noggin checked. And I went in an imaging machine and I was scared because the only one they had was in Panorama City. You can Google it. It's not nice.

And I got nervous the whole time. So when it gets – let me just ask. And they send back the results, and they said, you're fine, but you have an overwhelming amount of stress in your blood level. Do you by chance work with a Korean man on a weekly basis? That's already asked. I said, yeah, I work with a little troll, a little booger-eating troll in a room in the valley. And they said that could be part of the problem. Hmm.

Rudy, your painting is dope, though. It's a really good painting. And the knife got hung up. That's really nice. Let me ask you this question. Honestly, how tight is that painting? Hey, dear friend. Hey, baby. Hey, dear friend. Yeah. So, and this is an honest question. I'm not trying to be funny or facetious. Don't roll your eyes. Because I know it's coming. No, it's not. You're going to make fun of me. You think it's funny. I'm not going to make fun of you. I need questions answered. Okay. All right? Okay. So, if you're walking down the street. Yes. And there's a little, just let me finish my question.

and there's a little wind, do you go, I hit the deck. And you hit the deck. I hit the deck. Okay, that's all I wanted to ask. I freak out. Right. I would love to see you in a real situation of fear. If you see... You know what I'm going to do? What? I'm going to pay someone to come rob you guys with a real knife and a real gun. Yeah. And I'm going to see who steps up to the plate. Not you. You're not going to protect the girls.

You have no idea. You're a puss puss. You're a little puss puss boy. I have a puss puss. You're a puss puss boy. Okay. You won't fight or protect. You're not a protector. You either. Yes, I am. That's why I jumped up. I've never seen you. I've never. No, that's not why you got up from the fucking thing. Why did I get up? Because you didn't know what was going on. No, I knew it was. You got confused. I woke up. I knew it's an earthquake. You got confused. I heard stuff crashing. And I thought, oh my God. It was the end of the world. I thought, oh my God. End of the world. What if, is the dog okay? Did something break? Is something heavy? Is everything okay? Yeah. Yeah.

They should make... You know, they should remake movies. This is you. I smoke a cigarette and I play iPad. You little late night troll. You little late night booger. Don't make fun of me, dude. I had to go to the hospital. Okay? The hospital. The hospital.

I'm just saying they should remake certain movies about you. There is no movies about you. Yeah, like Armageddon. Speaking of... No, just let me finish. Armageddon. The remake. The earthquake Armageddon remake? No, no, no. You're in it, right? Uh-huh. Asteroids coming, right? And then the credits roll down. Because nothing happens. You're the hero of the story. Nothing happens. The credits roll down and everyone's in the movie theater going, I guess everyone dies. Yeah.

They've already made a movie about you. There we go. Here we go. This is what I like about our relationship. This. I miss this. They made several movies about you. What's Eating Gilbert Grape? You were fantastic in that. Oh, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. I Am Sam. You were very good in that. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. You're saying that I'm mentally challenged. What? No. The one with Johnny Knoxville? That was about you, wasn't it?

Were you trying to go to the Olympics? Was Eden Gilbert... Am I the fat mother? Could be. No. You're saying that I am the Leo... You're her as much as you're anybody else in that movie. Yeah? Yeah. I want my son! That's you. You're the obese mother that they're going to have to remove from your video game lair in 20 years when you die of lack of movement. And the whole time, you'll be yelling, I want my war zone! We played. We did play. I'm terrible. I'm so bad, it's not even funny. Bobby would check in with me. Well,

Andrew, are you still okay? No, it was fun to play with you because the first couple times you died, you didn't open up your parachute. Yeah, well, you have to learn how to jump. No one gave me the details. I know. And then you jumped off a building and you didn't.

Open up your parachute. Well, three stories. I thought he could take the hit. Yeah, no, you didn't. You broke your legs. We revived you. You did. Well, no, you didn't. Josh did. Yeah, Josh Price. Very good. He's phenomenal. How good is that guy? He saved me six times, and we won twice. I know. First of all, you have to understand how difficult it is. I know. I talked to some friends. Nobody wins. We won. Nobody wins. I know. We won. So when it happened, I just didn't. But it was very joyous. It was. Because you have a win in your column.

Can you tell the fans one thing, even though I didn't get credit for it, but they said it was true? I killed a guy. You did. But I didn't get credit because what is it? It said it was... This is what happened. Yeah. Okay. Is that...

Somebody had hit the guy maybe a couple of times. Sure. But you had the final elimination. Yeah. Right? But because maybe that person got a little bit more damage than the guy... They get the kill. Yeah, you didn't get the kill. But you will get kills. I'm gonna. I feel like because of your temperament... Yeah. ...and your aggressiveness... ...that you will get like five, six kills a game. I'm gonna. Yeah, I know you will. At some point. Do you like the game? I love it. Can I show you a gift? Yeah. Somebody did something for you. A friend of a friend of a friend made you...

An operator. That's amazing. How cool is that? That's really cool. Isn't that cool? Yeah, they should have that operator. So here's the thing. I think we should start some kind of petition to get your Bobby Lee operator on the game. Look, they do this with all other games. I have friends that are in other video games. Yeah. How come you can't have an operator that's you in the game? And that looks good, too.

Yeah, that looks good. There's already a Korean woman in the game? That's what this is. No, that's the... They put my face on the Russian guy's body. On the Russian guy's body, but actually, that's... You know this image? Do you remember this image? This is taken from an actual image. Oh, you know what that image is? Yeah. That's me, my first, second headshot at MADtv. That's exactly right. You shaved half of your head back then. Look how cute I am. You were really cute. I was cute. What happened to me? No, you look good now. Now, it's just your...

It's just your, there's different things that are cute about you that you didn't have back then. Like what? Your comedy confidence is better. I think so. Yeah, much more. Yeah. You're definitely more comfortable in your skin. There you go. You. I'm waiting for it. I don't know what else. Are you waiting for me to be mean? Yeah. I'm not gonna. It's a nice day today. Yeah. I had perspective on life because I got out of the hospital feeling. Were you scared because of COVID and all that stuff? Yeah.

Now, you went to the ER, right? Yeah. Now, were there people with – obviously, everyone's wearing a mask in the lobby. Yeah, they let you in one at a time. They let you in one at a time. Are you sitting with anywhere near anybody else? Nope, nope. And are there people there for COVID? No.

When I went, no. They tell you, which is crazy. They go, do you or anyone you know in your household have had COVID symptoms or have had COVID itself diagnosed? No. Okay. They say, today, we have not had any COVID patients, but we're required to tell you if we've had anyone come in here with COVID. I said, oh, okay. They immediately took me in an isolated room, met with a doctor, told her my symptoms. She was very cool. She did a post-concussion test. Are you wearing a mask the whole time? Oh, yeah, you have to. And gloves and face shield. Wow. Wow.

They did a post-concuss test to make sure I didn't have concussion. And then she did a bunch of blood work, tons of blood work. You could have gouged your eye out, man. It's close. The cut is actually on my – when you get close to me, you can see the cut hits my eyelid. So I actually missed my eye by this much. My God. Blacked out. Yeah. Blacked out. And she was like just confused on the angle because I was like, oh, my neck hurts. So I can't move my neck this much.

she was wondering how I hit the floor because that's what she was worried about, what part of my head hit first. When I went for the CAT scan, that's when I started to get emotional because I got nervous. I was like, oh, my God, what if something happened? But I'm fine. It's an okay day, and I'm back with you, and I feel good. Yeah, I go to the hospital. Over the last six years, I've been in the ER so many times. It's scary. Because of Kalilah.

Well, because she has a life-threatening... Yeah, she has a heart condition. Yeah. So I've been to the hospital many, many times. She's never had a stroke, has she? No. What? What do you mean? People have mini-strokes. No, she's not going to have no stroke. Do you know what a stroke is? My dad died from one. Yeah, I do. So what is it?

He has high blood pressure, and his veins in his brain, all the veins that lead up to his brain, are clogged, and the blood can't get to the brain, right? And then your brain needs oxygen and blood. It starts where, though? What? Where does this all start? From the heart. From the heart. Yeah. So my question was valid. I was trying to be nice to you. Mm-hmm.

And now you're not going to be? No, I was trying to be nice, but that's my pet peeve when people go treat me like, I think you really think that I have some sort of mental deficiency. Do you know what a stroke is? Explain it to me. Yeah, because I know you don't know. I do know. My dad died from one. If your dad didn't die from it, you wouldn't know. Did you know what a stroke was before your dad died of stroke? Yeah, of course I know what a fucking stroke is. I don't know. You don't know much. There's a lot of stuff you don't know, Bob. Go ahead. Let it out.

No, this is retaliation for you being mean to me up top about my injury. I wasn't being mean. Yeah, you were. Bro, bro. I can't wait until you pass out and get hurt and I laugh. And I laugh. Hey, bro, man. Hey, bro. Hey, bro. Hey, bro, man. Are you selling me a car? Hey, bro. White Beard. I don't have a lot of friends. I know. You know this, right? Juliana knows this. I don't talk to a lot of people. Yes. And I have, you know, maybe four friends. Yeah. Yeah.

you're a part of that infrastructure. I know. A friendship, right? It's very difficult to get in that kingdom. You know, the kingdom is closed for enlightened hierarchy. Do you think it's because most people don't want to get in that kingdom anymore? There's other ones available? Maybe. But I still have a very strict...

dress code. You have a dress code, yeah. Also, you know, philosophical code. Okay. So it's like, just imagine me being a kingdom, right? You being a king? I'm a king. You're a king. And there's a gate. Yeah. And people walk up, knock, knock, knock. Hello? Can I be Bobby's friend? Yeah. And then there's, you have to go into a room, you take a test. What's the test? Oh, there's a million, there's ten questions, pretty much.

There's ten questions. What are they? Do you know what... The first question is, Chicago pizza or Detroit pizza? Chicago. There we go. So I pass. Yeah, you pass number one. Okay. Number two, it's Rolling Stones or The Beatles? Neither. Trick question. That's exactly what it is. Exactly what it is. All right? Yeah. Number three...

What is the most important area of the genitalia? The asshole, the taint, or the head of the penis? There's another quick question. It's all the above. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. I get it. The kingdom is exclusive. Yeah, it's very exclusive. Well, I'm glad I'm your friend. Well, there's also physical challenges. I'll kiss you. Yeah, yeah.

Do you know what's so funny is one of the first times that we ever started to talk to each other in friendly conversation, you would kiss me. Yeah, you're the first guy that I would go – even on stage I've done it a couple times where Andrew has brought me up or I brought him up. And I look in front of a packed room, a couple hundred people. I'll look at Andrew. He'll bring me up, Bobby Lee, and I'll cross paths and I'll go.

And you'll just go... I'll know better. And you'll kiss on my lips. I gotta kiss you. And people will laugh and I don't even say anything about it. You just walk right away. Because that's called he's in part of my kingdom. I'm in the kingdom. Right. And so when I play Warzone, some of these kids I play with, they want to desperately get in. The ones that are in there are so good. There's a husband and wife combination that we played with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're both...

Phenomenal. Phenomenal, yeah. I don't know who's better, her or him. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't know because I'm not smart with that stuff. Yeah. But they're very good. Yeah. But they're all Bad Friends fans. Right, right, right. I mean, they are – you should imagine – honestly, if you wanted to play the game and I'm not around. Yeah. Right? I would play with them. I mean, there's so many – what you do is this. What I did was like who can carry me?

That's the question. So when people message me on PlayStation, people will go, I'm okay at it. Right. You're out. Yeah, you need to be very good. There are people like Raimi and Josh Price that goes, I'm probably one of the best out there. I'm a tournament. I was a professional COD player two years ago. I was ranked, you know what I mean, 123 in the world or whatever. Can they make money at that?

I mean, there's a guy, I don't know what his name is, but he makes, what, $5 million a week playing video games? A week? Something like that, yeah, yeah. What? Yeah. Do you know about this stuff, Rude? No. And here's this. Because you're a comedian and because I'm bad, I honestly think that if we started a Twitch of Bad Friends and we played once a week for like five or six hours, we could make money. $5 million? Not $5 million. A couple grand. Is that guy good?

Who? The $5 million guy or people just like to watch him? There's a guy out there that makes so much money that maybe like $100 million a year or something. On just playing? Yeah. And he's really good. We picked the wrong fucking career. No, because there are people in our thing that make a lot of money as well. Only a few.

Bro. Nobody in our... Who's making $100 million in our... Josh... No, Josh. Josh Rogan. Josh Rogan? Joe Rogan. Does Josh Rogan make $100 million? Joe Rogan, how much does he make? He makes a lot. He doesn't make $100 million in comedy. No way. Not even close. Yeah, but his Spotify deal was... Different thing. That's a podcaster. That's what we are. We're podcasters. We're podcasters now. We can't do stand-ups. Sebastian Maniscalco makes millions of dollars. Sure. Not $100 million.

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Honey. We all shop online, do we not? Yeah, constantly. And we've all seen that promo code field taunt us at checkout. Yeah.

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Doing yourself a solid and supporting the Bad Friends Show. So get Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash... Bad friends, everybody. That's joinhoney.com slash... Bad friends. I want to show you something. This is why we're good friends. Somebody made this. But let me make a point real quick before you even do that. Uh-huh. Yeah. Video. Just a nice loop of us and Andrew Scoop. And they're in Bobby and Andrew Scoop. Okay. Give me, give me a hug. Now your turn. Go. Andrew is...

I'm holding on to him. We might fall over because there's an earthquake. I could die because I'm clinging. Coward, but pussy, he don't know nothing. You like that? Such a little dick. What? You said to add on. You did. You added on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. T2 Andrew, Andreas wants to call you. He wants to call me now? Yeah. Okay. All right, let's call this guy.

I want you to say that again. Wait, wait, stop for a second. Say that again. Say what? Say it again. Tito Andrew, Andreas wants to call you. No, say it again. Tito Andrew, Andreas wants to call you. Oh, thank you. And if you don't do that from now on, they made a compilation of that. Yeah, we do. We have a compilation of you not getting to the mic. Get closer to the mic. It stresses me out. It does. I know because it's too far away. Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hi. Hi, sweetheart. Hi. Hi. What's up? Did you want to talk?

Well, yeah. After our talk last... Well, after your show last week and I saw you guys talk about fashion. Yeah. So I bought you guys something. I have a gift for you. Rudy has it. Rudy, can you give it to them? Yeah. And I decided to share a little bit of style with you guys. Oh, this is incredible. Oh, my God. Thank you. Did you really buy us a gift? Incredible. Yes, I did. Did you sanitize it? No.

You don't need to sanitize it? I did sanitize it. He sanitized it already. Oh, my God, Andres. Oh, Andres. This is like one of his European shirts. Oh, my God, Andres. These are the European shirts. Oh, it's by Design. Look at how... You want to wear it? Yeah. Let's wear it from now on. What is it? This is called Dezidual? Dezidual? Yeah. Oh, dude. That's a wow. Oh, wait. Say it again. How do you say it in your language?

That's a while. That's a while.

This is so nice. Well, can we show, look at how unnecessary, look at this. So this is the best part. Where is this from? What country is this from? This is from Spain. So in Spain, look at this. This is so Spanish clothing. First of all, Bobby has two shirts that they just made into one, right? And then, so this is what they do. Look at what they do all the time, Bob. 84. So they took football numbers and put it on a T on a shirt. Yeah. And it's down here again, just in case. And look what it says here.

Love the world. Love, love, love. Yeah. This is so nice, Andres. Positive energy. Thank you. Positive energy. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Andres. This is really sweet. I have a fancy dish rack now. I'm going to wear it. I'm going to wear it. I love it. It actually looks good. That's actually a cool shirt. Yeah. It's a little too small. What size did you get, Bobby? I think I, I mean, a male.

But it's a European now. It's a European one. It's a little tight. Rudy, is his shirt a little tight? I think it's fine. Thank you. Well, that's because she has residency at your house. Thank you so much, Andreas. We will get you a gift, too, one day. No, that's fine. No, I really like it. Thank you so much, Rudy. Okay. Okay, thank you. Enjoy. Bye-bye. Bye, guys. Well, we've got our Spanish shirts on. Do you like it?

It's not really that Spanish. It looks like somebody that a homeless person in Bangladesh would wear. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, you know, it has this third world quality, which I love third world wear. But, you know, it just feels like it's just patched together. You could buy this on the streets of Calcutta. Yeah. Yeah. Meanwhile, I think he told...

Like if you're with a prostitute in Calcutta. You need to get an... No, no, no. And you like come on the wall. She gives you this to clean it off. Yeah.

I was going to say, if you got one in Calcutta and you had a t-shirt on, she's like, you can't come in unless you have a collared shirt. Go buy a $3 collared shirt. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what it is. From the corner. This is a CalColor $3 prostitute shirt. And then you go to the store, right? It's $3. And you almost contemplate not even getting it and saying, fuck the prostitute. You're like, oh, God, I don't even want to. Do I have to wear that inside? Yeah. Rudy, whose is better? And rank it. When I say better, I mean, which one do you hate the most? Okay. I think...

They're both pretty bad. I think yours is pretty bad. Excuse me, say it in the mic. I think it's Tito Andrews. Is the worst? Yeah. It's pretty bad. Yeah. It's got football numbers on it right here and up here. Yeah, yours is pretty bad. But yours is just, honestly, it's just two shirts. They threw away two shirts.

Yeah. It's a left side of some guy's shirt and a left side of a dead guy's shirt. But honestly, if I wore this in any kind of business meeting, and especially if I met people for the very first time, I'm probably not going to get the job. They'd ask you to leave. I don't think they would ask me to leave, but they would just be like, during the audition or whatever, they would do the smile, but they would just be so distracted by it.

Yeah. Can we ask you something? Yeah. The shirt. Why did you choose... Is it because of the character? Was it character-influenced? No, I wear this. That's your shirt? Yeah, I get this in Spain. Oh. What?

Is there, hmm. It's a good sketch from eDesign. It looks, honestly, it looks terrible and genuinely doesn't do you any favors. And if it's not part of the character, I don't know why you wore that to the audition today. It's loud, it's distracting, it doesn't make any sense. Well, as a casting director, you should use your imagination. My imagination is saying that I can't see you in any other normal clothes because you have a really bad, stupid shirt on right now. Yeah, but if I get the job, my acting skills are good. The job is not going to happen. There's no chance we're going to give you the job. There's no chance. You would never get the job.

Bye-bye. You'll never get the job. Bye-bye. Bye. Don't you miss going to bad auditions, by the way? Oh, my God. I miss going and bombing auditions. I miss saying no. I miss bombing auditions. I miss saying, I can't do it, or making some excuse. It was so funny because there was a three-year period where I would make excuses. This is too hot. I know. I've got to take it off. I've got to take it off. It's the worst, actually. It's very bad. Thank you, Andres. Thank you. We'll keep it here. We'll keep it here. Okay.

How much are these? Honestly, I feel bad. I think they're expensive. No, you got to be real. How about this? You know what we should do? What? Hey, if any bad friends are out there, why don't you guys email us? We'll sign them. And we'll sign them and send them to you. Whoever we will randomly pick. Yeah. We'll randomly pick who gets the shirts and we'll sign them and we'll mail you the fancy B shirt. You got to do more than sign it, though. Well, we'll write a message in it or something. I don't know if you can really sign those. That'd be hard.

We'll sign a bad friend's picture for you, but email us. Why don't you guys email us why you think you deserve the shirt? Yeah. And do it at badfriendsmail at gmail.com. Badfriendsmail at gmail.com. We'll send somebody those beautiful Andres DeCiccio shirts. Oh, this is so funny. So when I was driving over here, my manager had texted me. She goes, improv's doing some summer drive-ins in Irvine. Do you want to do 815 or 829? Watch what –

That's like saying, watch, that's like saying, like saying, hey, next week. Are you typing this to your manager? Yeah. So she said that. That's like saying, hey, next week, can you eat a bucket of broken glass? 8.15 or 8.29? Yeah, yeah, yeah, 8.15, 8.15. Pick a day. Yeah, 8.15, 8.29. Okay.

You want to write one? Yeah. All right. I'll say, or... Hey. Hey. Hey. Next week. Next week. Yeah. Do you have time in your schedule? Do you have time? Wait, do you... Have time. Have time. Just say, do you have time? Time. To... To... Visit this... Visit this... AIDS prison? AIDS prison?

AIDS prison? 815 or 829. There's going to be an absurd AIDS prison in Haiti. Yeah. In Haiti. 815 or 829. Yeah, Haiti. 815 or 829. Is she going to be pissed off? I don't give a shit because that is the most ridiculous. But there are people that probably go, yeah, I'll do it. Does she have fun with you like that? Does she ever joke back? No. Never. She'll say something like, a simple no would suffice.

Oh, so you don't have this kind of rapport with her? I just sent it anyway. If you don't have that kind of rapport, I don't understand. Hey, next week, do you have time to visit this AIDS prison in Haiti? 815 or 829. This is great. That's so mean. I got an offer saying... What if she fired you because of that? She's like, I don't want to work with you anymore. Bro, bro. And I want to say this. I love Abby. My manager, Abby, I've been with her since I was an open mic-er.

A long time. Yeah. 20 years ago. Longer. 25 years ago. And she used to...

When I couldn't pay rent or pay phone bills or anything like that, she would pay it. That's huge. And she would always look at me and she goes, I honestly... Because at that time, she had two producers that she was managing. She was managing Steve Skrovan, who did Everybody Loves Raymond. Wow. And then Warren Hutchinson, who was doing executive producing with the Bernie Mac show. So she was making pretty good money. R.I.P. Right? So she would just pay my shit and she'd just be like, I know...

for a fact that you're going to work one day and pay me back. And you did. And so when things started rolling and the bigger management companies were going, you know, the big ones, were going, hey, we want to sign you. Trust me, tempted, right? You said no. But I would never leave her. Wow. Who is she with? Oh, it's independent. She's a woman that lives in Venice. Right. And she works out of her house. You've met her.

She's been to the house and she and she's just a sweet, you know, that's really nice. You stuck with her. My first manager was not the same case. Who was your first? I know it's a dude who's not around anymore. Oh, yeah. I mean, as far as I know, I don't know what he's doing, but he would, you know, he kind of like coerced me into like into his company. I didn't even know if I wanted to be represented because I was like, I don't know. What does he do? What I don't really know if he has any. Does he really put you out on stuff? And I landed a job and I had to pay him.

I don't even think he, I don't know if he got it for me or someone got it for me and I had to pay him anyway. But he would make me drive his checks to his house or he'd stop by my place and pick up checks. And he'd come by with his girlfriend sometimes and it bothered me so much. It was so gross and weird that the second season when we got picked up, it was a hosting job.

that I made them renegotiate the contract. So I didn't have a manager. I didn't have anybody. And he said he was going to sue me. He goes, I'm going to sue you for the sunset clause. I didn't know what that was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I said, you better sue me for the sunset clause. I'll sue you back. Yeah. And he says he's going to sue me for the payment on the next year of that show. It's funny. And I wasn't making any money. It was an internet thing. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like super petty. It's funny how people bamboozle you early on when you don't know much. Well, you don't know any better. You don't know any better, yeah. I was so stupid and vulnerable, and I just thought, I guess if you can get me in. Yeah. But the job I landed, I'll never forget. You know who was in that room? Sklar Brothers. What's the guy who hosts? Not Ben Bailey. Not Cash Cab. The other guy that hosts everything like that. We know him. He's a comic. Matt Iseman. Matt Iseman.

You don't remember him? Love him. No, you don't know him? He does like, he does Wipeout on ABC. Oh, yeah, yeah, Matt, Matt, Matt. Matt. And then another big name. And I remember walking into the room and going, I'm 23. I'm brand new. Nobody here knows me. I'll never, ever get this job. There's literally no chance. These are all guys that have hosted stuff I've seen before. She literally, this Pam Frazier, shout out. I don't know where she is now. She goes, honey, you funny.

You're funny, but you're not good at hosting. And I was like, oh, okay. I've never done it before. I don't know. I'm just a comedian. She goes, we go figure something out. Two days later, she calls me back. She goes, come back in. They want to see how funny you are. So I went in there. I just told jokes live on camera in a green screen room. I didn't even think, I thought this was just maybe to just let them know me. And they gave me the job.

I hate weird shit like – you know Johnny Sanchez? Yeah. So Johnny Sanchez and I auditioned for this Mountain Dew commercial. Yeah. And so it was a callback, right? So four people would go in at a time. Yeah. And then another four. So they were going to pick three out of – you know what I mean? The eight that went in. So they go, all right, everyone back in the room. So we all came in the back of the room. And some white dude just walks up to him and goes, in, in, in, out, out.

And then Johnny, we were the ones that are out. Yeah. And Johnny and I are like, you could just set that in the hallway. Yeah, you didn't do that in front of everyone. Why'd you call everyone in to go out? Out. Yeah. What did we say about the Korean guy? Out. Yeah. But what people don't realize is that like,

We had spent three – we had gone back there the third – two or three times. Thinking. Parking. Yeah. In Santa Monica, right? Yeah. It takes hours to get there if you don't know L.A. traffic. And then you can't find parking anywhere. No. Right? So you're going to get a ticket. And you're stressed out because you can't – you're never going to make it. You're never – yeah. And then you spent all these hours doing it just so that somebody would go out to your fucking face. In – in –

out yeah and looks at in points at you like you're like i've been in before and right when they say in the best i look at the outs and go loser i always do that take it easy yeah is it what's the best when you got a call what was the best job you got when you that one that little that one that one that's the most exciting job you've ever had yeah you know why why because it got me that's the i quit my day job that day

It was the day I got to finally never work in a day job again. I hung up the phone. I ran down the stairs and I ran on Mid Wilshire. I can't make this up from the E building where that is. That's where I used to work across the street all the way down, all the way down to Vineland. No, sorry to whatever. Los Feliz Boulevard, whatever that is. Yeah. Los Feliz Boulevard right there. High Highland or no, no Hill Hillhurst, whatever road ran all the way down.

sat there realizing I just ran out of the office smiling laughing oh such a great oh I just ran oh felt so good I never stopped running I just ran and ran and then I called my mom and I was like I'm never gonna have to work a job ever again I'm not gonna have to worry oh my god that joy it felt so real can I tell you my best yeah what is it so I get a call say from um Sasha Baron Cohen's people that they want to do a table read for the movie the dictator right and I go

Table read? Yeah, I mean, they're just calling every comic an actor. You're not going to get the part. Thanks. Yeah, but so I show up. And it's one of those things where you don't read it and you go, it's just going to be in our office. Who gives a shit? Right. But then you show up and you realize, oh, there's an audience. Yeah. Right, so we're all on stage. And if you look at the audience, I'm not kidding you. Larry David, Gary Shandling, Judd Apatow.

Everybody. Just taking notes. Yeah, they're all taking notes. Everyone in the industry. And I'm sitting there when Nick Kroll was there, Renna Zizzi, just a bunch of fucking people. Everyone has a part. And I'm just playing the part that I played in the movie, right? Yeah. So I just do it. And I leave...

This is probably the greatest moment in show business. So Larry Charles, who directed the movie, Gary Shandling, Sasha, they're all sitting on this patio outside these two doors when people are walking out. And they're talking. And I walk by them and Gary goes, Gary Shandling goes, stop. You, kid, stop. And I go, what? And he turns to them and goes, you should give that guy that part. That guy killed it. Wow.

And I go, oh, I just, you know, yeah, you tried to play humble. You go, well, I don't know. If it works, it works. Right, right, right. And I remember I got in the car, tears. Yeah. Tears. People don't realize that something like that, because I was, you know, I feel like a loser all the time. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I'm being real. No, no, I'm saying, yeah, you get defeated. Yeah, you just feel like a loser that nobody wants you, that you're never going to really make it, right? And so when you get a simple yes like that. Yeah, it means a lot. You start fantasizing too and dreaming, right? Gary and I are going to hang out. Yeah, yeah, never sell them again, but you know what I mean? And just tears and you're just like, you know, and I want one of those wins. ♪

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A comic. From then, I was a kid who worked at a desk and then at night at a comedy but couldn't take off. They didn't let me leave. I had to work this job to pay rent. Yeah. Mommy and daddy weren't going to pay my rent, so I just didn't have a choice. But it's like that with first love too. Definitely. Right? When you like have a crush on somebody and they don't reciprocate, right? And you know what I mean? The 24-hour everyday –

just thinking about them and just being emotionally just crushed by them. Then you go, I don't deserve them. I guess I'm too ugly and stupid. Have you ever asked someone to a dance and they said no? Oh, so many times. Boom. Yeah. Broke my soul. Honestly, a girl that, quite frankly, I was like, you're not even that hot. I brought a girl to prom. Yeah. And I brought her there. I never saw her again. Yeah.

I was her Uber driver. Oh, wow. Yeah. We drove. It was a white girl. I have the prom photo at home. Blonde hair. Yeah. She's like, she just walks out. Thanks. Bye. I'm going to go hang with my friends. Well, she just, no, she didn't even say that. Thanks. Closed the door and she just went into the prom. And I'm in the car. Stacey, how'd you get here? That weird Korean guy dropped me off. Yeah. He thought he liked you. And you look like a...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so mean. It's so mean. I asked a girl to go to a dance and she said, I think I'm waiting for someone else to ask me. Yeah. And I was like, ow. And I picked her because I thought it'd be easier. I'm like, she's not even that good looking. She just texts back my manager. Uh-uh. What'd she say? Okay. She goes...

I was just asking because some people are just dying to get out there, no pun intended, and they're doing these drive-ins. I agree with you that it's not worth it, but I had to ask. I don't think there's an AIDS prison in Haiti. There's two of them. There's two of them. There's two of them. There's two of them. Wait, can I – by the way, I don't know if I've said this before. Do you know what my claim to fame of going to a dance with someone in high school was? I went with – do you remember Bret Michaels had a reality show called Rock of Love where he picked –

Vaguely, yeah. Okay, the girl that won the first season was a friend of mine in high school, and we went to a dance together. My mom sent me a picture. She was sorting out all the pictures. She goes, who is this girl? I'll show you who she is. This is her. Yeah, we went to a dance together. I don't know which dance we went to.

But this... She was more of this blonde look when we were in high school together. This was when she got on TV with Bret Michaels. She did the rock and roll pink hair. Yeah. She was a super fucking cool girl. Yeah, she seems cool. She was dope as fuck. But we went to a dance together and she was a mega babe. And then she was the first person that I knew in my group of friends that like...

Made it. Made it. Yeah, exactly. I was like, whoa! She's on with Bret Michaels? I was blown away. I was like, holy shit. What is she, a billionaire now? Was she worth $8 billion? But it was a reality show that I didn't even understand. I didn't know what it was. I was like, oh, what did she win? I don't know. You know who Darren Carter is? Come on. The party starter? Of course I know who he is. Darren Carter, he's a redhead as well.

And they call him Darren Carter, the party starter. He calls him that. He calls himself that. Yeah. Right, he does. So when I was an open mic-er in San Diego, he was a doorman at the comedy store in La Jolla. He was? Yes, he was. I didn't know he worked La Jolla. He lived in San Diego. I do know that. I didn't know he worked La Jolla. Yeah, he did. So he was a doorman there, right? And he brought me to this coffee shop to do an open mic. And I always thought he was a nice guy. He's very nice. I love him so much. I still like him.

So then he moves to LA. I'm still down there, right? And I'm watching some CW or Warner Brothers show, right? And he has a line. I was watching some random sitcom. The doorbell rings. Some guy answers it. And Darren Carter's there going, pizza? And they go, yeah, thanks. And the door closes. For a week, I couldn't sleep. Why? I know that guy. I know Darren Carter. Oh, my God.

Losing your mind. Telling people around town. He's famous. You know the guy that was at the fucking doorman at the fucking La Jolla Comedy Store? I know him. I know him. Like bragging about it. He's the pizza guy on the CW. Yeah, yeah. And then when I saw him again, I got nervous. How's L.A. treating you?

I hear you're doing good things. Right? And he was just like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I had one line in a CW show. You're like, oh, Mr. Humble over here. When does your Emmy come in the mail?

Dude, my dad embarrassed me so much. The first time I ever saw a famous person was in downtown Chicago when I was a kid at an ice cream store, and it was the mom from Fred Savage's show. What's wrong with me? Yeah. What can I think of it? What's wrong with... Wonder Years. Wonder Years, yeah. And she signed a napkin for me. That was the first time. The second time I ever saw someone famous, I didn't want to say hi because I thought he was so... Tom Selleck in the airport. Whoa. Check this out. My dad. I go...

It's Tom Selleck. And he goes, where? Right there, right there. Like, you know, like 20 feet away. Yeah. And he goes, holy shit. Tom Selleck! No. Tom Selleck turns and he goes, what's up? And Tom Selleck goes, hello. And my dad goes, right on. Now, were you blushing? I'm already orange. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was glowing. I was like, why would you do that to Tom Selleck?

Why would you say hello to a duck? I know. You idiot. Because now what you do is – because I still get like that with people. Yeah. But if I'm at an airport and I see them, then I become an extra – like I don't know what it is. My defense mechanisms come out. Yeah. So I'm not like that. I become more douchey almost. Well, because you don't know how to act sometimes. If it's someone that you admire – Yeah, because they'll come up to me and I could be a huge fan. Yeah. And they're going to be like, what's up? And I could be like, hey –

But meanwhile, I would suck that guy's dick. Right? Meanwhile, you know, get inside. Right. Yeah. Because you just, you don't know how to act. I don't know how to act. It's only because you, if I don't admire someone, if I don't think they're amazing, if I'm not like, whoa, that guy or that girl is so good at what they do. If I just see someone that's famous, I usually just, you know.

Okay, whatever. Yeah. But if I like them, then I get my brain changes. If I'm like, oh, fuck, I really think they're good at what they do. Like when Sebastian Manoscalco, because I kept asking him because when he was in that, The Irishman, he was saying one night he said that Joe Petsche, like after they were done shooting a scene, goes, hey, come to my trailer. I have a chef. I'll cook you a meal.

And Sylvester's like, all right. He shows up. It's like a full-blown chef. Yeah, like a real chef. He's in Joe Pesci's trailer eating a steak, right? And in my head, I'm like, you know. That's how they live. That's how they live. And then he was saying that when he worked with De Niro, De Niro was just like,

Hey, I heard you're doing great things in the comedy business and gave him a hug. Oh, right. Cool. Like those little moments. Yeah. I don't know if I would be able. I think I would just melt. Yeah, I do. When I was walking from set to lunch with Larry David, I had nothing good to say. I love that guy, by the way. Love. What a nice guy. I had nothing good to say. So I was nervous. I was nervous. I never get nervous. Yeah. But it's Larry. It's different. You know what I mean? It's like he's the one. He's the one. So I'm walking to lunch with him and I'm silent.

And he's like, you did good in the scene. I was like, oh, thanks. He's trying to start conversation because we're walking together. Yeah. And I was like, thank you very much. And you could tell he's pulling teeth. Yeah, oh, man. And then he goes, Jeff said you do stand-up. Garland, right? I go, yeah, yeah. We do stand-up together at the comedy show. He goes, awesome. Yeah, yeah. Like, go. Keep going. What are you doing? I didn't know. What are you doing? You're better than that. No, but it's Larry fucking David. Because I think anything I'm going to say, he's going to be like, what? What?

Shut up. I'm afraid he's going to be like, you're an idiot. Don't say that. Don't ask me that. So I just kind of kept quiet. Then we sat when we sat at lunch. Then Jeff showed up and it made me feel better because Jeff, you know, Jeff. Hey, man. Love. Yeah. But he's so full of life. Love that guy. He took care of it for me. And then I started talking and got normal. But I was nervous around Larry. Larry's a fucking he's a comedic king. So to me, I don't want to say the thing where he goes to a party one night or is with a friend and goes.

Yeah, you know what? That kid said some dumb shit to me on the way to lunch. Yeah. It was really annoying. Because I did the show, season five, when the show was more popular. Oh, my God. And you know what? It got less popular after you did it. Do you think that was a coincidence? Go, go, go, go, go. You think that was a coincidence? Go, go, go, go, go. Stop. That might be damage from the earthquake. Why am I so mean to you? I actually asked the doctor that. Yeah. Why? I said, should I look for any signs or symptoms of brain damage? And she goes, you'll know. You'll know. Oh.

So I think that's it. No. That's not it. Ask me a question. Let's see if I can solve it real fast. Go. How about a riddle? Okay, yeah. I'm being real. Yeah. I have a riddle. Don't say shit. Riddle me this, Batman. So listen to me. A grandfather. Got it. His father and his grandson, right? A grandfather. Yeah. His father and the- No, grandfather, his son, and his grandson.

So grandfather, his son, and his grandson. They go fishing. Do you know this one? No. They go fishing. They're in one car. On their way back, they get in a car accident. Oh no. The grandfather and his son, they die. The grandson is still alive, but he needs surgery. He's in the emergency room. He needs surgery right away. The surgeon walks in and says...

I can't operate on this boy. He's my son. What happened? The doctor's father and grandfather took his son out fishing. What are you saying? I think I got it. No, that's not it. What are you talking about? The surgeon walks in. The grandfather and his son is dead. The grandson's still alive. The surgeon goes, I can't operate on this boy. He's my son. What happened? I can't operate on this boy. He's my son. But you're saying his dad and his granddad died in a car accident. Yeah.

This mom has been sleeping around. Yeah. This mom's a whore. So you think that's what it is? It's a whore riddle. You think that's what it is? It's a riddle. Yeah. That's not the answer. What is it? You want to give up? I think you're being too vague. I think we're missing a detail. No, we're not. It's very simple. This surgeon thinks it's his kid. No. Because he's been knocking boots with this girl. This woman has two families. This woman is a tramp. None of that has happened. What is it? The answer? Yeah. The surgeon says mom. And that's sexist.

You're sexist. And that's sexist. Yeah, and that's the reason why you asked that riddle is because you're a sexist person. That's funny that I assumed it was a man. I know. But most people assume it's a man. That's why it's a public riddle. You can say that. Nobody got it. I guessed it the first time. No, you didn't. Why are you blushing? I know you didn't. Why are you blushing? Because I can't. It is an interesting thing. I know. I couldn't figure it out. Well, because you think the surgeon guy walks in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you say man? No. I said the surgeon walks in. I can't operate on this boy. He's my son.

Why can't she operate on the boy just because it's her son? Because it's a law. You can't operate on your own family member. Because you'll give them better attention? Yeah. No. I guess that's a thing. That's a bad law.

In the riddle, in that world, I don't fucking know. Riddle aside, I don't like the law. First of all, if you're... Let's see. Let me ask you this, right? You're a surgeon, right? And you have to operate on her. Would you be too nervous to do that? Or would you just get... Let's say you have another friend who's just as good as a surgeon as you. Would you rather have him do it or you do it? Me. Because I know why. I'm going to save my wife's life. Dude, scalpel! Scalpel!

I wouldn't be able to do it. She's dead. I wouldn't be able to do it. No, I don't think so either. I would be so nervous. I wouldn't want to operate on my family. No, I wouldn't want to. You'd be so nervous. Yeah, because if you killed... You drop a scalpel in the fucking... Inside the bottle. Oh!

Right? And you're digging up the organs to get the scalpel. It's like flying like fucking a pizza roll. Hold this! Hold that! Yeah, yeah. Meanwhile, like, Kalilah's eye opens. What are you doing? And you have her, like, lung and her fucking pancreas in your hand. Go back to sleep! Yeah, that would be terrible. Yeah. You know, Rudy would be like, I've got this.

And fix it in like two seconds? No, she makes sashimi. Yeah. With her fucking knife. Put it on a little plate with wasabi. Did you order more knives? No. Do you want to? Let's get her another knife. Yes, Rudy. More knives. Yeah. Why not? Yeah, you... Yeah. You would get her another knife. There's... By the way, your popularity is growing so much. A friend asked about you. A friend who's a fan of the show.

He's like, Rudy is so funny and she doesn't even try to be funny. I said, I know. That's bad friends rude. And he said, does she have like a big following now? In Instagram, she has like 20 some odd thousand followers. 22. She knows. 22,000. Yeah. Okay. So – She's making a mark in comedy faster than she thinks. First of all, I know a dude, right, who was on a TV show. Yeah. Right? Who has been grinding for 25 years in this business. Yeah. Who has 15,000 followers. Yeah.

I'm not kidding you. That's so mean, and she has – I know, and so I told her the other day, I go – because she has two Instagram accounts. Private and – She has a private one that has 100 followers, right? That's for family and friends. For her island friends. That's for your island friends. For her island friends, right? And I'm just like – I just put it all in one because the whole point of Instagram is to brag. No, but the island friends know the other – they follow the other account? Do they follow the other account? No.

No, I don't want them to know. Oh, she wants to keep it private. She wants to keep it private. Maybe Bad Rudy, because that's not her real name. Maybe Bad Rudy, her fucking Instagram account, is her U.S. persona. That's right. Rudy is United States girl. She's like, in Cebu, she's Bruce Wayne. But in America, she's the Dark Knight. She's the darkest of the knights. Yeah, she's the darkest of the knifes.

She's the darkest knife. The darkest knife. Ladies and gentlemen, the darkest knife. The darkest knife. So you have 22,000 people are following you. I wonder if now opportunities are going to open up after Pandy's done. Maybe she can host something.

What if she gets offered a fucking job? Here's the thing. I'm trying to get her out of her shell. Do we take commission on anything she lands? No, I'm trying to get her out of her shell because she doesn't like to talk that much. Yeah. Even around the house, like, she'll be laying there. Like, what have I been doing lately? What do I have saved up in the closet? You've just been doing video games. No, but the thing that I'm trying to make a ball of what? Boogers. Bob, why? What do I have in the closet?

You have, I don't know, five or ten boogers, and you're trying to make it into a ball. You're trying to make a booger ball, bud. Yeah. Are you really? And I threaten her with it. Oh, it's like you're going to get it if you don't. I'm going to stick it in her mouth. What do you think about that? Hey, hey. No, I'm being real. Yeah, I am. Okay, good. If he does it, then I'm also going to do it. You're going to do it back to him? Yeah.

You're playing with fire kids. She also has knives around the house. That's why I haven't done it. Because you're afraid of the knives? Yeah. Honestly, what if she comes back and starts hurting you? You don't think she's capable? Because I really do. I think that would be a proper end to this life. If Rude killed you? I think that would be a fantastic story. How many times do you think you've lived? Probably hundreds of times. Hundreds if not thousands? Yeah, yeah. Which life haven't you lived yet that you're excited for?

Well, if this is my show business life, it's not good enough. It is good enough. I think that I want to do a primitive life. Right. Like a tribe. Like be part of a tribe. What part of the tribe would you be? Gathering. A gatherer. Fruits and nuts and stuff. So you would be out gathering? I'd be making water moccasins and whatnot. A little seamstress? Would you stitch and sew? Yeah. I'd be the tribe whore.

You'd be slutting yourself out to everybody. Yeah, I would have to be a man. And after the great hunt... But you'd be a very effeminate man. They come back with the buffalo. Yeah. After the great hunt, I'm just laying on my belly in a tent, right? And I put, like, animal fat. Animal fat. Right? Because it's like a natural lube. I'll just take, you know, buffalo animal fat, right? And just rub it, just jam it into my butthole. Right? Just lay on my stomach, right? Come get some, boys. And I go...

They make like a sound. You know what I mean? Like an Indian sound. And all the trucks. They'd get off the horses. And they would form a line. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in the line. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They would form a line. And then my cousin or whatever would have tickets. Yeah. But the tickets are made of bark. Right, right, right. And they would come in. And you get two minutes.

There's 100 people in the truck. And one guy's keeping clock. Yeah, yeah. He comes in and goes, oh, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, hold on. And they come out like almost disappointed. Yeah. Because the further the line goes, right, like the 80th guy, he comes out and he's like, too loose. Because imagine, right, 79 guys have already been in there. Yeah. Too loose. Too loose. Couldn't come. No, no, no. No.

Bear cave. Remember the bear cave? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm in the back of the line going, no! I want my turn! I know what you would do too, right? You would take two fucking, I know what you would do. You would take two fucking like buffalo bones and put it on my ass cheeks to make a tie or squeeze it together like this. And you would just try to just get some friction there. Right. And I'm going...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Let's live that life. Let's live that life. Let's live that life. So I haven't lived that one. Not yet. That I've not lived. What is another life? I want to be back in like the...

I want to be back just one time in Kings and Queens, like 15th century type of shit. Oh, yeah, yeah. So bad. I want to be a jester. I want to be a little court jester. Yeah. And I want to hang out in my little lounge with the other artists. I want to eat whatever food they give us and drink and be drunk all the time. And they go out there and they're like, jester. And you get out there and they're like, and do a little dance. And then they're like, and they beat me. They beat you every night. But they still love you, you know? Yeah. But they're not going to kill you. They don't kill the jester. I'm in the same castle. You're in with me? Yeah. I'm the castle whore.

You're still a castle. Okay, you're a whore in another life. I'm still there. Hello, hello, welcome, welcome. You know what I mean? I'm still doing the same thing. Have you visited the whore upstairs? Yeah. And you're like, what? Yeah. And you're beautifully draped, by the way. You always have the nicest clothes in these other lives. Yeah. I want a simple life. No, one of them has to be very simple. Like a butcher. A cobbler, a shoemaker, a butcher. A shoemaker or something that I'm good at one thing. You know what I see you as? A fisherman. A fisherman.

Yeah, that would be a nice – you come home, you show the fish to the village, and they go, yeah! Yeah, yeah. Every day. I did it. Yeah. You go out there, you catch some fish, you come back, you cook, you talk. God, imagine though back in the day when like a fisherman got like lupus or –

You know, some disease or they got cancer. When they didn't know what cancer was, you just died at 38. And you had stomach cancer and there's like no medicine really. Yeah, they just say goodbye. So for a year, you're just like, ah, you know, oh my God. And you know what they do with the fishermen? They put them out on a boat and they just push them out to sea. And they're like. They don't do that. Yeah, they do. Bye. And then when you go. They don't want you to spread the disease to the town. Oh. Push you out to sea.

Or like when they used to just fucking burn people alive. That's terrible. Isn't it? But they would just go, anything. Witch! Remember back then? Witch! Witch! And she's like, I'm just, you know. I'm sweeping. I'm sweeping. I'm just sweeping. Show you how. Witch! Witch! And they would just tie you. You'd know what the fuck was going on. Oh my, the horrors. They would just pick people to kill.

I know. They just would choose who they wanted to kill. Anything that was different. Could you imagine me and you in a town back then? They would kill us immediately. Yeah. The Korean guy and the redheaded boy? Oh, I always think – imagine this. Freaks. Imagine this. Let's say you and I were time travelers, right? Yeah, yeah. And you and I are wearing cowboy hats.

And we're just galloping into Deadwood. Okay. Right? You're at the lead. Yeah. And we walk into the saloon, right? You know how the piano guy stops? And everyone turns, right? And you know what I mean? I'm still on your back. Yeah. Right? And he goes, hey, man. I go, hey, fellas.

Yeah. Here to grab us a drink. Yeah. We love whiskey. Got whiskey? You guys have any whiskey in this bar? We would be hung just right there. Like cut to the next scene is us up. Just dangling. Dangling. Just dangling from a, yeah. Oh my God. We caught these two, we caught these two gay boys rolling into town, kissing and hugging on each other. One was a Chinese boy. One was a Chinese boy. Yeah. The other one was a freak, a redheaded freak. Oh, speaking of my freakness, I had to look this up. The doctor was asking me, do I have any, um,

allergies to medications. And I said, not really that I know of, but my pain tolerance for medication is pretty high. My tolerance is high. And she was like, oh yeah, redheads. Do you know about this? We can handle 20% more redheads

Tolerant level for painkillers, stuff like that. We need 110% of anesthesia because we slip out of it all the time. So if I get surgery and they don't juice me up, I'll just, like you said with the scalp, I'll just wake up in the middle of it. In the middle of surgery, I can wake up. They say it happens to redheads all the time. I think it's the Lord's way of saying... Get rid of these people? No. I think the Lord's way of saying, we're going to make this particular group of people look...

Sick. Yeah. But we're going to give them strong resilience. Ah. You know? Yeah. There's a yin and a yang to everything. What's your yin? Because I know what your yang is. What's my yang? I know what your yang is. What's my yang, man? I know what your yang is. Well, tell me what my yang is, man. You got a couple of yangs. I don't know which one's which. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is yin and yang? What's the difference? I have no fucking idea. Isn't that weird that nobody knows? It's just the opposites that balance each other, right? Yeah. Yeah.

That's life. Life is yin and yang. Life is yin and yang. I know you're a big fan of Ellen, and I'm sorry to hear all the ensuing news about her being called out. You know, first of all, I don't know her. You're a big fan, big friend, big fan. I'm not a friend. You know her very well. She produced the show I was on last year. Yeah, I know. You didn't meet her? But I never met her, no. No. You see she got called out online for being mean? But these are things, I've heard those things. You know, I've said this before, and I'll say it again. Yeah.

There are certain things that go around that you hear, you know? Yeah. I've heard things for years and then it comes into a reality one day. Like the Ellen thing? There's many things. Yeah. You know, and some of them you don't believe. Some of them you go, that's valid.

the rumors. There's some big Hollywood stars that have weird little rumors that people don't talk about, but you just kind of know. It's said, you know? Yeah. And sometimes they don't come out. Right. But with Ellen, I did hear certain things like...

You couldn't lock eyes with her. Couldn't look her in the eye. I thought I heard that, but I thought that was bullshit. Yeah, but I had heard that. Yeah, but it sounds like bullshit. Yeah. Like, how do you work with a boss who doesn't look at you in the eye? Yeah, I don't get that. You know what I mean? Get me a latte. You're like, okay. What size? It's just like she shows you, you're like, oh, fuck. Yeah, she puts it right under her face just to test you. Yeah. You're locked! Yeah. I've heard that, but they called her out. They said it was abusive behavior...

And then it got turned into one of the producers is getting in trouble for being, you know, creepy to whatever, to people cast, to people that work there. But it's funny because I'm thinking, Ellen doesn't know what's going on inside of her stable. I don't know. She knows what she does. And then Brad Garrett came out today and was like, yeah, she's not nice. I was like, wow, Brad Garrett's really... I was like...

He's quiet, usually, about a lot of stuff. You know what I mean? All I know about Ellen is because, you know who Jeff Lala is? I don't. Jeff Lala runs the Addison Improv and all those improvs in Texas. Sure. And he's been in the comedy industry for 35 years. And one day we were doing press in the morning, and I'm like, so what big comics did you hang out with back in the day, in the early days? And he goes, Ellen. Ellen.

And I go, oh, really? Ellen DeGeneres? Yeah. I would drive her from city to city. Like she would do one night in Houston. Sure. And I would get in the car and I would drive her. To Dallas. And we would hang out. And I go, what is she like? He's like, she was always hardworking. Yeah. Very funny. Yeah. She never complained. She never complained. Because she knew. No. So you think she's –

A woman in the 80s, difficult, who's gay. Who's gay but doesn't – Can't come out. Can't come out, yeah. Difficult, right? In a male-dominated industry. Totally, yeah. Right? And she had to jump over certain hurdles that we might not have had to jump over. I know that as an Asian guy, I've had to jump over a lot of hurdles that others – I don't complain about them personally.

I just know that they were there, right? Sure. And then she became one of the biggest stars on planet Earth. I don't know...

What it's like to be her. I don't walk her shoes. I don't know anything. I'm not there. But if it's true that you can't look her in the eye, that's fucking insane. That's what I mean. If it's stuff like that, I'm like, what? That's crazy. If it's just like when somebody goes, they're mean to me. I'm like, lots of people are mean to you. I've read things that I'm mean to.

You in what regard? Like, like, well, I met him. He was not nice to me or, you know, and then it's like you don't remember. You're like, I don't remember. It's because the interaction went like this. I'm you and you you're an adoring fan. Say hi to me on the patio. This is I'm you and you're the fan. Go ahead. Hey, dude. Fuck. I'm a man. How are you? Huge fan. Thank you very much. So we got to go to that. And you're just talking to somebody else. And then that guy goes, fuck Bobby Lee.

Didn't even fucking give me the time of day. Right. But you were already talking to somebody else. Yeah. So it's kind of like people can just say that you're a dick just because they like you and they didn't get from you what they wanted. Oh, one time I did a show. Which is super fucking selfish. I was in Chicago in February. No, I was at the Schomburg Improv. Oh, yeah. And I did a meet and greet. And three days later, I get an Instagram message from a woman going,

Hey, I just want to, you know, my husband hasn't slept in three days. And I'm like, what happened? Right? And she goes, because he didn't, you were talking to somebody and then he made some sort of Asian joke. And then you just kind of turned your head. Like he completely offended you. You probably didn't even hear it. I don't remember any. I don't know what the fuck she's talking about. Yeah.

He's like, what's up, Chang? Yeah, I wasn't even hearing it. I was doing something else. So maybe, you know, with Alan, it could be a lot of that. I don't know. I wasn't there. Could you imagine how many times people have said something to you that they think they said wrong and you didn't even – it didn't register? The people just say stuff and you're like, I don't know, man. I'm doing –

Especially when you're doing 15 things. You're meeting people. Yeah, I know. I take a picture. I do all that stuff. Someone could be like, hey, man, we're your biggest fan. You're like, thanks, man. And that guy's like, that's it? We live in a strange world where people know that gossip is black magic. Yes. No, it is. It is. You know, gossip is the worst thing our society does.

Because it's always like there's lies and opinions that are threaded through gossip. Yeah, because there's one – yeah. Yeah, so the truth becomes muddled, right? Truth doesn't exist sometimes. It doesn't even exist. It just becomes – And it turns into this thing, right? What people think. And that's what social media is. Yeah, Twitter. People accuse people of things, and it's like we live in a very dark world.

alternative reality. Well, I think it's people are bored and tired and the pandy has made people angry as fuck and they're broke and they don't have a job. And so this is an outlet to go, fuck you or fuck you or I like this and I hate this. Yeah. A lot of our friends in comedy have been doing Jimmy Kimmel guest hosting and Bob and I submitted and we didn't get it. And we were jealous because a lot of people got it. You know, Sebastian got it. Perfect. Eliza. Eliza, Whitney. What other comics did it?

But, dude. It doesn't matter. We submitted it. It hurts me that we didn't get picked. But we're not them. It doesn't matter. We submitted a good tape. Yeah, but we're – it's like saying, hey, U2 – not even U2. Coldplay got something, and it's like Fugazi didn't. I know, but – Fugazi is cooler. We put in a lot of work. Fugazi is cool just on its own, and U2 is cool on its own. Yeah, yeah.

Whatever. Let them be. Okay. Well, anyway, we submitted some tapes. We submitted the tapes. I'm not taking it personally. It's fine. Yeah. I slept. I didn't sleep. No. Yeah. It's ruined. It's honestly the fact that they emailed back and said, no, thanks. LOL. Yeah. Anyway, I guess we'll show it. I don't know. Show the tape. Hey, everybody. Okay. Today. I don't want to. I don't want to do this. Bob, I don't want to do this.

I don't want to. You made me fucking do it. Jimmy Kimmel, he not going to host the show for a while. So I'm going to try to get the job there to do the hostings. You have to fucking do it. I can't. I don't know what to say. Give me any joke to say. I do comedy too. Shut the fuck up. Okay, here we go.

Hey, Alive Around the World is, the world is absolutely insane right now. What's going on around the world? Hey everybody, Toki Bang here. Oh boy, what going on in the world right now? It's crazy. 150 million, thousand people die from Corona. And boy, Melania Trump, I do, I fuck her.

There was a guy who was raising sea turtles

And check this out. And he's selling them. He's selling them at Two Shells of Pop. He's a...

This guy's getting a killer deal on that. Don't talk about the Mulani? Yeah, don't talk about the president's wife. The BLM. Black Alive, they matter. And, you know, you go to the protest, right? You sign. Do not do that to the black, right? And, you know, one time I went to a protest, and I saw a woman protesting with her. Well, she looked like, you know, Mulani.

No, not the president's wife. No, but she's not. It was not her because this was in L.A. So this is not her, but she look like Maloney. So she protesting black lives, black lives. I was getting toward her too, like black lives matter.

Getting to that right and then I hit like this to her hip right and I look at her I go in the one day you and I could go come bang bang She's not there Oh Correct okay. Oh my god. What's going on with the UI 2k the y2k man? 2000 Everything is gonna be white. There's a

What? We're never going to get this gig if you do that. So Rudy has a poem she wrote. You're going to read your poem to us? Yes, you're going to read her poem. And if you didn't write it, you're going to have to make one up. I don't have. You said you were going to write a poem. Yeah, so you're going to write a poem about the butterflies. Go ahead. Write it right now about Filipino butterflies and knives. Yeah.

Hey, hey, don't ever. Uh-oh. You're going to make Papa mad. I don't have the poem. You better just make it up right now because we asked you to make up a poem and you didn't do it. Okay. Roses are red. Yeah. They are. Violets are blue. Also true, yeah. The Philippine butterfly is as beautiful as you. Thank you for being a bad friend.