Pandas and Horses and Sheep, Oh My! 01:22:42

Anchor! If you haven't heard about Anchor... It's the easiest way to make a podcast. It's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. Oh, please.

It's free. Awesome. That's cool. There are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer. You do it from your phone like on the go? Oh, my God. That's cool. And on the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool. Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many, many, many, many, many, many, many more. Go ahead.

You can make money from your podcast, too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership. It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go, Bob? Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. You two are... Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

I switched Bobby's painting and your painting to Darling, You're Pure Gold because that's more you and that's more you. How great is that? For real. I think that art is so cool looking. Shout out to Hi. I'm saying hi. No, but...

Where's yours? Kazuki doesn't want to draw me. I'll be honest. He didn't want to draw your face. You're complex, your face, though. It's gross. He couldn't draw gross. No, no, you're very handsome. Handsome. I called him. I said, Kazuki, where's mine? And he literally was like, two... Oh, he's Asian? Kazuki Miyagi? No, he's from Puerto Rico.

No, no, no. No, he's serious. He's Puerto Rican. I played with a guy on Warzone. His name is Yamakasi. Yamaha? Yamakasi. Yamakasi is his name. Yamakasi. So I thought he was Japanese. And then for like three weeks, eventually I said, so what part of Japan? He goes, no, man. I'm...

Bangladesh man Oh Bangladeshi So I go What's a Yamakasi then I've been calling you I've been going Hey Go get on the War zone Hide behind the wall Yamakasi You know And then Get down Kamikaze Yeah but now It doesn't make any sense No Yeah It's okay

Bangladeshi and people come are named Yamakazi Yamakazi. Well, that's his gamer tag. So, you know, bro, you can make that up. Well, yeah. What's your gamer tag? Bobby. It's Bobby live. It's Bobby Lee live. Yeah, that's for everything. You know what I love is when you're playing on the screen, it'll say friend requests or followers. Oh, yeah. I'm playing with all my guys and then it'll say it. Do you wait? Do you know? Can you see how many people other people follow or follow other people? No. No.

It just tells me all the notifications. And you get off on that. I get hard. Papa gets excited. I get hard. I'll be playing and I got somebody and it'll go bing, bing. You know what I mean? You're getting. And Papa gets excited. And then you get better. You know what I've also been doing is, this is great. What I've been doing is, so I'll be on Warzone with my friend, Ramey, and I'll be like, you want to play with somebody? He's like, let's just play duo. I go, no, let's find a fan.

That's cool. So I'll go to my messages and I get hundreds of messages and people go, Slep King or, you know what I mean? I'm a big fan of Bad Friends. Can we play? You know, I'm really good. This is my KD and I've won, you know, 500 times. What's KD? My kill to death ratio? I figured it out. And then I'll be like, they're really good, right? Yeah. So then when we play, they're not good. Do you know why? Because they're nervous. Yes. Yeah.

And then I'll be like, okay, well, you had your chance. And then they put it. I was nervous. My hands are sweaty. What if I don't? You got to be nice. No, I go, bye. Because you have to deliver under pressure. What if I think I killed himself because of you? Yeah, there's one guy named Ben Riley. He's a nice kid. Rest in peace. He's not dead. Not yet. But he messaged me. Hey, can you? He keeps messaging me. Can you give me another shot? No.

Ben. You got to hit the ball. You got to hit the ball, bud. It's T-ball. It's T-ball, Ben. It's T-ball. Yeah. You just got to swing, bud. You got to step up and you have to fulfill –

your destiny. Yeah, you do. You have to become the person that you're supposed to become. The bar's here. It's very low. You just gotta feel that. You kinda have to just step right over it. But I love when they get nervous. Because when they die right away, they go, I don't know what happened. I go, what happened? I don't know what happened either. What happened was, you fucked up. But this kid, Raimi, that I play with, the reason why I like him, though, is he kept messaging me, and I go...

Let's play This Happened when I first started playing. And he, for some reason, he's a 21-year-old kid from Georgia. And not everyone loves him. He's friends with everybody now. Yeah. And he stepped up. Is it because of his skill level or also because he's fun to engage with? He's very polite. But does he talk shit like everyone talks shit? He tries to, but he doesn't have the chops. Does he have a strong southern accent? Yeah. But he'll try to do joke. Hey, man, this is like Cowabunga, man.

And then we'll be like, Kyle Bunk, what the fuck are you talking about? Hey, man, we're just – we're radical. We're being radical out here, man. Hey, man. Bobby was molested, man. He was molested by a guy with Down syndrome, man. Bobby, remember when you ate poop? Yeah, yeah. Remember when you ate poop? But it'll be like in a – you know what I mean? After we told somebody happy birthday.

Right, right. I'll be like, hey, happy birthday, Jeremy. He's like, god damn, Bobby was molested, man. And it's like, the timing's not... Is it Theo? Is this Theo? Is that who you're really playing with? No, no, no. By the way, Neil Brennan sent me a video on YouTube that came out a week ago. What? Theo's family. Theo Vaughn's family. Do you want to see it? Yeah, yeah. This is crazy. I know what his mom looks like. This is his whole family on YouTube. Yeah, look at this. This is Theo Vaughn's whole family. Oh, yeah, yeah. I've seen it. I met the... Wait. What?

That's his uncle in the red. That's his uncle? Yeah, right there. That's Theo's uncle. And is that Theo's brother or dad on the couch? That's his uncle, the guy in the red. Right. That's his mom right there in the blue. Right. So what are your names? His brother. Yeah. He's off to the right. Okay. Yeah, and in a second, his brother will hide. That's what his brother loves to do. His brother loves to hide. He tells him he's...

All these stories growing up where his brother hides. Yeah. Watch the video. He said, my brother used to run and hide, dude. He'd get so scared, man. Lightning claps or even lawnmowers will do it. And your name is? Well,

Lorraine. There's Lorraine. Yeah. That's his aunt. And there's Timmy, his brother. His brother Timmy. You guys grew up here in Odd, West Virginia. So let me explain for people that can't see it that are listening at home. There was a video that Neil Brennan sent me. This is called The Whitakers. They quoted them as the most inbred family in the United States. They have the longest lineage of inbredness. It's pretty brilliant. It is brilliant. Their eyes are like hammerhead sharks. I know.

But what I'm wondering is if that guy, the guy in the red, through time that happened. Because all he does is... No, the dog barks and it influences his bark. So you see the dog go... But he doesn't ever speak. Yeah, he barks. He's dog talk. Yeah, but he doesn't ever speak regular English. So what I'm wondering is at 12 he was like...

hello, my name is, you know. Came out British? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello, my name is Frank or whatever, right? And then 22 is like, hello, my name is Frank. And then 30 is like, hello, my name is Frank. Yeah, over time. Yeah. You think? Yeah, developed. Developed. Well, dude, here's what's, and at first I thought, at first I thought, I shouldn't say anything about this because this is mean. But then, they're not handicapped. This isn't making fun of disabled. This is just inbred. I mean,

I think that's what happens when you inbreed too much. That's what happens. But I got to tell you, if this isn't a reason to not have sex with your brother or sister, watch five minutes of this. It's staggering. Also, the lady right there. Yeah. Because she has one eye that goes that way. Well, they all have eyes that go all the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But imagine making love to her. You have to keep going like this. You like that? What? Hey, what's up? What?

What's over there? And look over to the side. You just have to put mirrors all over so she keeps looking back at you. And then one eye is like, oh, it'll be very strange. I would have to just, you know. Cover up. Cover up my eyes. Well, it has to be dark. But at first I saw this video and I thought this can't be, this has got to be a, I thought this was a sketch. I'm not kidding. Yeah. When he sent it to me, I go, this is a, this is a, someone's doing a comedy sketch. Yeah. It's so funny because you didn't prep me on this. Yeah. Isn't it odd that I know? They're from Odd, Virginia. How did you see it? They're the Whitakers.

I just know about videos like this. Something popped off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it only came out a couple days ago. But Brendan sent it to me and he literally wrote. My brother sent it to me. Oh, he did? Yeah, my brother likes to send me shit. Brendan goes, I don't know why I needed to send this to you, but I had to. And I watched it. I was like, this is exactly what I need to see. But what's funny is that what the other guy does, the guy at the end of the couch. The guy that's sitting on the right here. Eventually he'll walk out.

Right? Hold on. Let's scan through. Did he make a sandwich or something? Well, they all make sandwiches. He comes back in, right? Yeah. And he just starts to hide. Right. Did you see that part? Yeah, he hides away. Yeah. Yeah. He crawls somewhere. Right. Right. Maybe that's his thing. Maybe they play an afternoon game of hide and go seek. I don't know what they're up to out there in Oddbridge. This is a very staggeringly sad picture, and it obviously is they're handicapped. I recant what I said before because I'm an idiot. It's not a fair picture, though.

What do you mean? The lighting is bad? No, it's like you know that there was a point where that drool wasn't there. No, that drool is always there. No, no, no. There was a point where the drool was building. Yeah. Right? He could have taken that photo. Right. But he waited until it got to the precipice. So you're saying the photographer exploited these guys. A little bit, yeah. I think this guy, when I looked at his video, he seems – it seems very –

It's really – they're exploiting this family for his sake of his documentary because he doesn't show a lot of heart about it. Like it's not like – he's kind of just like look at how crazy – but by the way, beyond jokes, it is insane to think that five generations will have sex with their family. Five decades of people were like, okay, whatever.

It's not fair because I've never been to odd Virginia or West Virginia. I see it. I get it. There might be – it's not as if there's like suicide girls walking around where you could tap them. There's probably only the Whitakers. Okay, you're saying you're only as good as your options? Well, the options aren't – who are you going to fuck? Not your family. Yeah, but if there's no one around – Not your family. I know, but just hear me out. Then you feverishly masturbate until you die. Hear me out. Let's say I had – let's say I had –

A sister. All right, we're going to have to put music over this. I'm just trying to play it out of my head. Yeah, but look. Let me just play it out of my head. All right, here we are in odd Virginia. No, we're in... Yeah, yeah. No, we're in Tohoku, West Virginia. No, okay. It's a different Asian. Yeah, it's an Asian community in West Virginia. West Virginia, right. Tohoku, well, how do you do a Japanese... Tohoku, welcome, Virginia.

It's a southern gem. Welcome to Tahoe. Welcome to Tahoe, West Virginia. West Virginia. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you're out there in West Virginia. I'm in Tahoe, West Virginia. And I don't go to school. Yeah. There's no school. No schools. And the only families are the Lees, right, and the Jungs. I know that. Yeah, Jungs. Lees and the Jungs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're there. Right. But the Jungs only have boys. All boys. Yeah, are all boys. And the Lees have my brother Steve now as a girl. Yeah. Stephanie. Stephanie. Right. Stephanie Lee. Right.

And the Jung's, you know, I fucked everyone already there.

In town? No, just the Jung family. Oh, the Jung family. I fuck the Jung. They got guys. So Ken, Bob, Steve, Kevin, Mark, and? And Randy. And Randy. Yeah. Yeah, and when you're done with that. Or for some reason, Vladimir. There's a Vladimir. He's like, I love to see you, Bobby. Yeah. And then, you know, the only women around is my mom. And the Jung's Mrs. Jung. Mrs. Jung. Oh, that's right. Mrs. Jung. Yeah. Yeah. And then my sister, Stephanie. Right on.

So after you knock out the mobs... At 33, I decided to drink some, you know... Moonshine. Not moonshine. What's the Japanese one? Sake. Sake. Sake. Sake. Sake. Sake. Sake. A little too much Sake. Yeah, having a night. I have to do an Asian and Southern kind of...

Hey, Stephanie. Oh, yes, brother. Yeah, yeah. Good night. Close my door. Close your eye. Good night. Right? And then an hour later. Stephanie? Stephanie? Yeah, that's it. That's how I'm on top of you. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I just can't believe five... Okay, how about this, though? Somebody had to know in the family the first time that they were like, ooh, that's not... That's bad. But then one person went, it's not that bad. Someone had to go, I guess it's not that bad. Because this is so many years of it. This isn't the first fucking time. This is all the time.

It's terrible. It's so terrible. It's terrible. It's like... And we're not being mean. Inbred is gross. It's so gross. Fucking your family is... Isn't it illegal? Isn't it illegal? I hope so. Is incest illegal? I hope it is. Rudy, is incest... Is incest illegal? Somebody wrote, is it a crime?

Incest sexual relations between family members who are not spouses, formerly known as incest, is illegal across the U.S. because of the harm it can cause to family relationships. That's why? Family relationships? No. It should be about, you know, creating... Brain damage. Brain damage, yeah. Incest often can be charged as a violation of a different law, such as child abuse, child molestation, rape, or statutory rape. But that's my thing. Is bestiality illegal? Yes. Animal fucking? I don't think it is. Yes, it is. Right, Rude? I think so.

Is bestiality... That's beastly. That's... Illegal to watch! Oh, dude, and now my computer is gonna be... Yeah, you're getting flagged by the FBI. Illegal? Is bestiality illegal? Notably, the legality of bestiality cannot be controlled from the federal level. There we go. The only relevant federal law is the sodomy law under the military code. There we go. So if you're in the military, you can't fuck animals. Yeah, but...

They find a way. They find a way. Yeah. Where there's a will, there's a way. You can't be out there and... I think there should be like a list of animals that you shouldn't fuck. All of them? Like if they die. Like if I fucked a gerbil, it would die. Well, you couldn't even... You couldn't do it. It wouldn't work. Oh, I could make it work. You'd put it in and go...

I know, but he would die. That's why. He would implode. Or to be like one of those – remember when we were kids and those little worm things you'd put over your finger? They're like the gel molds. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you know those things from the store? They didn't have those in the Philippines. You probably used real animals as toys, didn't you? No. You chased an animal, beat it, and then they would just play with it all day? Yeah. If there was an animal you had to have sex with though. Forced? Yeah. Probably sheep? Yeah.

I'm from Ireland. I think they do that shit all the time. Yeah, yeah. Sheep. I think because it's soft. Yeah. And they're – don't laugh at me. Yeah. I think because they're soft. Yeah. And even if they get upset, they're just like – So it's not that bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey. For me, it would be panda. Oh. Because they're so cute. Well, I didn't even think this through. And you could – here's the thing. If I was having sex with an animal, I wouldn't want them to think, hey, hey there. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

Somebody fucking me. I wouldn't want them to think that. You just want it to be a thing. I don't want them to go, hey there. Well, then if you fucked a big animal, then they wouldn't. But what I would do with a panda is you give them grade A bamboo.

Oh, like high end. They love to chew that shit. Waigu bamboo. Right, so I'd be like, here's bamboo. They'd be like, hey there. And then I would, you know what I mean? And they'd be just so focused on. But don't they get so fucked up from the eucalyptus? Is that eucalyptus is, is that pandas? No, man. Who eats eucalyptus?

Sloths. And they black out, right? They just pass out? Yeah. Yeah, they get really fucking high? This is a dark thing, but I don't know why I thought about this, but let's just suppose bestiality, just hear me out, was a huge thing in the world. What do you mean, like a normal thing? Because right now there's probably seven dudes. Who do it? Yeah. You're crazy.

In New Zealand, apparently, a lot of farmers fuck sheep. Okay, I don't want to know that, but let's just assume it's 20 dudes. Okay. All right. 20 dudes. And let's suppose now, let's jack it up to a million dudes do it.

Okay, so it became like a normal thing. It's kind of normal. In some semblance of society. Yeah, I think the one animal that would be completely just... Off limits? No, they would just be extinct. Oh, because of it. Because of it is the sloth.

Right. Because they're so easy to catch. They can't go anywhere. They can't. I mean, because sloths, they go, well, sloths live in trees. How can you get them? Because I thought about this, right? Honestly, I don't know why I thought about this, but in Papua New Guinea, there's a lot of sloths, right? I didn't know that. There is, right? Yeah. So what they would do is they would go to Papua New Guinea, right? Yeah.

And sloths, you don't know. I Googled this. I don't know why. I don't know why it's researches. But sloths, they come to the ground while they take a shit or they go to the bathroom. I've seen this. I've seen this in Costa Rica. They come to the ground. Right. Yeah. So imagine a bunch of sloths in the tree, right? Yeah.

Where you going, Johnny? And Sloth's like, I gotta take a shit. I gotta take a shit. I'll be right back. And as soon as he lands, 50 dudes come out. They form a train, right? And he's trying to run away, right? And he's like, and his buddies are going, Run, Frankie! And Frankie's like, I'm trying to run. Right? And he gets on the tree.

He's already been raped 40, 50 times. And people are like jumping up and tagging him and just ripping him. Well, as he goes up, the Tyler guys get the guilt. Yeah, the Tyler guys, right? I mean, that would be a nightmare. They'd be extinct.

And then by the time he gets back up there, they're like, are you okay? He's like, it's fine. What if they liked it? What animal's off limits? That's the real question. Yeah. Rudy, what's a big no-no? If it was normal, we're joking about it. We're joking about it, and we don't condone it. It's disgusting. But if it was normal, what animal was a big no-no? What's the one animal that you're like, no, you can't. They can't touch it. Probably small ones. Like dogs? No. I think she means smaller. Smaller.

Oh, dogs are okay. Yeah. Yeah. Well, if we're assuming that this is a real thing. All right, all right. So dogs are okay. Because people eat them already. So what? Right, right, right, right. So what's the difference? So what's smaller dog? You mean like hamsters and gerbils? Yeah. Rabbit bunnies? Yeah, bunnies. But see, bunny would be so nice. It's so soft. So soft. Yeah, so soft. Bestiality doesn't exist with women. I'm sure there's not one woman. Oh, I've seen it. What? What?

I've seen videos where a woman has blown a horse or has fucked a horse. No. Oh, yeah. Shut up. I've seen videos like that back in the day, yeah. That's got to be fake. How do you – you think that these people went to ILM? A horse? They went to George Lucas' fucking company and went – Horse penises are like six feet long. There is a fucking documentary. Just stop. Don't Google. Don't Google. There's a documentary. What is the average horse penis size? Let's see.

Dude, you- 20 inches. You never saw- That's the average is a foot and a half. You never saw Zoo. The movie Zoo? There's a documentary called Zoo. Uh-huh. And it's about a businessman. Yeah. I swear to God. I don't know it. Go put Zoo documentary. Look, Zoo documentary. Oh, wow. There it is. Yeah.

2007 film called Zoo. Okay, so go to the image of that poster of the horse. If you look in the eye of the horse. It's a naked woman. It's a naked man. Oh. Okay. Gross. So the documentary is an actual incident where a man tells his wife, hey, I have a business convention in Washington.

I haven't seen the documentary in a while, so I might get a couple of facts wrong. Let's make up more stuff. Yeah, yeah. Right. But this is essentially what it is. Sure. And his wife and his daughter went, all right, you want us to go? Yeah. I'll get a hotel. You know what I mean? So while they're at the hotel, he goes to a farm because in the internet, there's a bestiality group that they get together. What? Yes. This is – This is real. This is real.

So it's like a Reddit thread for bestiality people? Right. What's going on today, horse fuckers? His wife and his daughter is in a hotel, right? And then he's at a fucking farm with dudes from Japan, from Canada. People fly all over the world to do this. Who owns the farm that lets this happen? The King Beast. King Beast? Yeah, the King Beast man, right? His name is Carl. Carl.

I guess Carl. He's like, hey, welcome, fellas. So what they do is they... Hope you got your animal fucking shoes on. You know that thing that they let the horse go up?

No. There's a thing where they put the horse on some sort of like – And they lift it off the ground? They lift it to do some – like to clean it and stuff like that. Maybe to horse shoes and stuff? Maybe. I don't know. I don't know horses. Yeah. But so they lift it in that thing, and then they take turns getting fucked by the horse. No. No. Yeah. No. Yeah, they steer the – so you need a bunch of guys there.

To help steer the dick. It's like a crane operator. It's like you need to... Back it up! Right. And so they steer the dick in, right? So this is actually happening. So...

So they do the session, right? I don't know what they call it. You know what I mean? I think it's sessions, right? It's sessions, right. And I guess he goes to sleep there in the barn. You can sleep after that? Yeah. You get fucked by a horse? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not in agonizing pain? He passes out in the barn that he got sexed in. No, what happens is, so while all his buddies are sleeping... Mm-hmm.

He goes, I'm going to get another go. Oh, he wants one more go. Yeah, but I don't want to wake anyone up. You know what I mean? I don't want to be Southern. He wants to do it by himself. I want to do it myself. Idiot. You always got to bring a friend. Yeah. It's a buddy system. Right, right. It is a buddy system. And I guess he goes to the barn and he tries to do it and the horse –

penetrates him so hard it punctures his stomach lining and his organs and his stomach all came out of his asshole and he died. Yeah, it makes perfect sense. Right, and then what the police had to do is go to the hotel and inform his wife and his daughter. Okay. What's that? I want to be the police. I want to be the police. Hello, it's 3.30 in the morning. I'm sorry, are you Mrs. Jefferson?

I am? Is something wrong? Yeah, and you're the wife of Todd? Todd Jefferson, yes. That's my husband, Todd Jefferson. What? Oh, my God, is he okay? Was he drinking again? No, he's not okay, but there was an unfortunate incident. Oh, my God, a DUI? No, no, no. Did he hit anybody? No. He's a terrible alcoholic, and I know that's a big vice of his, and we're trying to get him help, and good God, I hope he fixes his issues. Oh, God, did he hurt himself? He was punctured by a horse dick. What? I'm sorry? He was punctured by a horse dick. He was punctured by a horse dick.

What are you saying to me, officer? The dick. You know the horse. You know what? He was driving drunk and he hit a horse and the horse penis killed him. No, not necessarily. No, not necessarily though. You know, let me. Do you know about the horse anatomy? Of course, yes. Horses have penises. I don't know if you know. Sure, the males. That penis of a horse. Yes. Punctured the stomach lining of your husband. What was he doing near the penis of a horse? He was stretching.

Oh, he was just getting ready for the big game. No, no, no. He'd been over. You're telling me my husband was having sex with a horse and I killed him? Yeah. I should have directly told you that. That's my bad, man. The fact that you had to dance around it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But imagine if the cop was like this, if it was just...

Hello? Yes? What time is it? Hello? You Barbara Jefferson? Todd Jefferson's wife? Yes, I am. Yeah, your husband's dead. He got fucked to death by a horse. We gotta wrap this up. That's how fast it went. They just throw it away? They would just throw it away. I've never heard of this thing. Yeah, but it's funny. You can't find the... I tried to buy it. Amazon? I couldn't find it. God, Amazon always has this kind of shit on it. Yeah, you gotta watch that document. I have to watch it. Yeah, yeah. What?

Five out of six out of ten IMDB? Rotten Tomatoes liked it a little bit. Yeah, it didn't go really... I think they... There was just obviously some foot... They couldn't get interviews with the fucking wife and the daughter. But what does this really mean? Let's try to think this out.

Because they say it's a taboo topics like this. This isn't taboo. Something happened. Because what would lead you to want to have sex with an animal? No. You've never looked at an animal and gone. I know what it is. What? Trauma? No, they've talked. Because I've heard interviews with people that are into beasties. Beasties?

Is that what the Beastie Boys are? No. And it's their affinity and their love. So they're in love with animals. They want to get so close to nature and animals because they love it so much that they find them erotic. Really? Yeah. That's so strange. I know. It's like when a guy fucks his car. I know. I saw that guy, but that guy's really mentally – there's something – No, he loves cars. I love cars. Yeah. I would never – there is no sexualization of it.

Yeah, I know. You don't love them that much, though. I do. I love it. People have sex with balloons. That's fine. People have sex with...

Everything. Trees. Trees I'm kind of okay with. And people just have... I don't know what it is. Maybe you think they were molested by a car or molested by a tree and therefore... An old Mitsubishi Gallant fucked them when they were seven. Or maybe it could be this. Maybe it could be, you know, let's say a guy... I fuck cars. Yeah. And it turns out that my dad was super into cars.

But my dad got in a car accident and died or my dad molested me in a car, in a car on the, yeah. And that's the car you love having sex with. Yeah. Or something like that. That could be close. That could be close. Is that close? Rude. Are you following any of this logic? We shouldn't be talking about this in front of you. Well, well, what? It's a real thing. It's a real documentary. It's so sad to think though. It's disgusting. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry. That's so gross. Don't fuck animals. Why people is fine.

People seems fine. I don't, I guess there's something wrong. There must be something wrong. It just reminds me of when Jeffrey Dahmer, you know. Mm-hmm. Jeffrey Dahmer. This is going to like the darkest podcast today. I know. We're going to like the deepest. Oh, forget it then. No, because by the way. I don't want to talk about Jeffrey Dahmer. All right. All right. But Jeffrey Dahmer. Yeah.

Jeffrey Dahmer, so he would capture men, right? Yeah. He would drill a hole in their head. In their head. Milwaukee. Milwaukee. And he would put acid in their brain because what he wanted was a live human body that just didn't think. Yeah. You think that has a lot to do with bestiality in terms of like – That's like necrophilia. That's when people have sex with dead things. No, but he wasn't dead. He wanted the body to be alive, but he didn't want the thing to think.

Oh, it's like Frankenstein. Yeah, like a warm-blooded, but just sex...

Doll. Doll that just couldn't make decisions and was kind of brain dead. The worst story about that, did you hear about the guy? He ran away from his house. Jeffrey Dahmer stories have people that know you know. He ran from the house. He was high or something. And he ran into a cop. Yep. He had a hole in his brain. Yeah. And the cop saw this guy and Dahmer ran up quick enough and was like, he's just drunk. He's my lover. He's wasted. Yeah. And the cops were like, get out of here, you crazy kid. Yeah.

Right. They didn't see a fucking hole in his head? Yeah. How insane are these cops? How dumb were these cops if they were just like, ah, you're partying too hard. Go home. Hit a hole in his fucking head. How did those cops keep their job? Milwaukee.

Right. It's Wisconsin. Yeah. Dude, you know, Wisconsin is... They don't have... They don't have many laws up there. You can have as many DUIs as you want. There's an... It's not a... You know we're a three-strike state? If you got three DUIs in California, you'd be suspended license for the rest of your life. Forever. If you got three DUIs here, you can never drive again. You're done. That's it. Okay. Wisconsin, there is no limit. You can have as many DUIs as you want. You can keep drinking and driving until you kill somebody. I don't know, but that's... There's a far cry from that and...

But I'm saying that's their last loss. They can just keep getting DUIs and nobody cares.

So if that's your lax law, imagine all the other laws. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, it's like they must not give a shit. And it's funny because Dahmer went up there. He wasn't from Wisconsin. No, but he wanted to live around – there's a college campus there called Marquette. There's other college campuses. There was a specific reason why he went to Wisconsin, I think. Well, Marquette's a religious school. He was religious. And so he was a devout Christian. But Ed Gein's from Wisconsin. He is? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Something about Wisconsin. Something about Wisconsin. Yeah.

That is really weird. But then when I played in Wisconsin, I went to Madison. I played comedy on A Street. Comedy on State. Is that what it's called? Yeah. It's the greatest club and the greatest people I've ever met. Period. Period. Yeah, it's the best. That was one of the best clubs. I miss stand-up so much. I know. Bob, Bob, it's okay. I do too. I do too, baby boy. It's okay. It's okay. Rudy, you see what you did? This is all because of you.

There's been so many goddamn fucking videos put up now. Like, we can't even keep up with how many videos are like... Did you see the guy in Northern California that was like, fucking Asian piece of shit? Oh my God. You have it? He's just sitting at dinner. He's like sitting having dinner. And he just said he calls Asian racist in SF. What's that down there? Here it is. Look at how fast that came up. Look at his tech CEO. You need to leave. What's wrong with you? You need to leave. Asian piece of shit. Whoa. Okay, say that again.

Yeah, say that again. Oh, now you're shy? Say it again. Say it again. Now you're shy? What's wrong with you? Say it one more time. I'm sorry, you need to leave. Yeah, he needs to leave. That is not appropriate. Trump's going to f*** you. Trump's going to f*** you. F*** you.

Fuckers need to leave, he says. You fucking Asian piece of shit. This guy is a CEO of a huge tech company. Not anymore. Bye-bye. But he's drunk. He's obviously drunk. No, his apology. He said he was totally sober. No, he was blacked out, of course. So are you allowed to be racist if you're drunk? I don't know what I've said, drunk.

Yeah, but you don't attack people for, you don't turn into a racist just because you get drunk. But I've said crazy things drunk. You would never be out having a drink and go, hey, you fucking blacks. You would never, that's not, yeah, maybe it would, actually now that I think about it, yeah, maybe you would. No, but I could say stuff like, goddamn fucking dark loving ass shit me like the fucking color of your dark

Yeah, but that's hot. Yeah, but like something would come out. This guy's blatantly. I would probably sing a song, right? Or something, right? Sure. Eh, Friole, Friole. You know what I mean? All right. Let's do something like that and then people tape it. Yeah, but this guy's. Why am I defending this piece of shit? Yeah, what are you doing? I'm defending.

Is there something interfering with your happiness or is preventing you from achieving your goals? Yeah, like your podcast co-host. BetterHelp will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist. It's incredible. Bob and I both used it. You can get online and get help. This is something that – can I talk now? Yeah. This is something that Jules and I have used. It's so easy, and it's also during quarantine. It's a service that I think a lot of people need, Matt.

It's also nice to talk to someone that's not in your direct house. It's nice to see someone that you don't live with. BetterHelp has a broad range of expertise available, which may not be locally available in many areas. The service is available for clients worldwide, baby. That's right, baby, all over. They want to help you start living a happier life today. And genuinely, when you read the website, you can see the testimonials. A lot of people have gone on there and been skeptics.

And you try it out. It's worth it. It's worth your time. It's therapy that's affordable and it's super easy to use. And financial aid is available. So if you can't afford it, if you're really kind of bumming out and you're like, well, I don't have any money and I'm sad. That's probably why I'm sad. It's because I have no job and stuff during the pandy. They can help you out, get you help both financially and genuinely with another human to talk to. Visit their website and read their testimonials. Read them. That are posted daily. Yeah.

Yeah, that's right. BetterHelp.com slash reviews. You can find it out. Go to BetterHelp.com slash bad friends. That's help with H-E-L-P. A ton of people have used it. Over a million. A special offer for you guys. 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com slash... Bad friends. Me undies. You guys.

You guys. I'm wearing them right now. What underwear are you wearing right now? Me undies? I'm wearing the panda one. Does it feel nice? It feels so good. You're sitting on a heaven cloud? It cups my genitals so perfectly. It's got a perfect little place for your sausage and the peppers. You should check out me undies. If you've never...

felt them on your tush and your pip, you need to. I like the designs. I have one that has a raccoon on it. I have a panda one. I got pizza. I got pizza on one. And the fabric is so silky and nice. I don't even know what they do. Space age stuff. But they have regular colors as well as the patterns matching pairs. So you and your partner, me and Bob, should wear the same pair to the studio. We should. And be cutesy-pootsy. Hey.

They're so comfortable. They come in sizes of extra small, which is Bobby, to 4XL, which is Rudy. And...

They're so soft and comfortable, and we have an offer for you guys, first-time purchasers. 15% off, free shipping. They send it to you. It's a no-brainer. It's 100% satisfaction guarantee. Get 15% off your first order. Free shipping, 100% guarantee. To get your 15% off for your first order, first free shipping, and 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to meundies.com slash... Bad friends. That's meundies.com slash... Bad friends. When people say... Because I haven't really... I've never really talked about this because...

You know, it drives me crazy when I see, like – I'll go on Twitter. Yeah. And I'll see a public service announcement from, like, Asian actors. I've never – by the way. You're never asked. I'm never asked to do it. They know better. Right.

A, you won't do it. I won't do it, but I never asked. And B, if you do, you'll fuck around. Like, hey, I'm Daniel Dae Kim, and anti-racist rhetoric is wrong. You know what I mean? And I'm Ken Jeong, you know? And we're all the same people, this and that. I'm never invited to that. Yeah, because they see one episode of this show or hear it, and they're like, oh, no. Right. But I'm anti that, too. What? I feel the same way as other Asians. I feel like the rhetoric that's happening—I'm not going to say the guy's name or people's names—

But when you call the coronavirus Kung Flu and you call it the China virus and all that stuff, it incites these feelings amongst certain sections. Asians. No, of certain white people in this country. Oh, you're saying it incites them. It incites something within them and then they are more vocal about it. Sure. That's common sense. Well, but it's hard to communicate that because it's like saying how do you assume that one leads to the other? But you have proof when you go –

When you aggressively say something about immigrants, automatically we see the video in Arizona where the girl's like, you fucking go to Mexico, bitch. Yeah. It becomes this like – they justify it. They justify saying it. But I'm not – I don't think that I'm – Say it. I think that cancel culture is a little out of control. Well, sure. And does this guy deserve his whole life to be ruined because of one drunken mistake?

No, I know what you're saying. What you're saying is... I don't know if I'm there anymore with that. Okay, let me say this, though. I understand what you're saying. I agree. You shouldn't have your life ripped away. This guy shouldn't have his entire life ripped away forever. That being said, now that we live in this time that you know you could be filmed...

Why would you black out, be at a table, and when someone does pull up a camera, you still double down and go, Asian piece of shit. I know. He doubled down. He did double down. If he in the video went, I'm sorry, I've had too much to drink and I'm acting, I got to go home. He probably could have fixed it. Yeah. But you have two ways to go.

But also – Because they turn the camera on and they go, all right, say it again. Say it again. Yeah, yeah. At that point, listen, white people. Yeah. You can say racist shit. Well, say it to me. Oh, sorry. White people. Yes. You can say racist shit. Thank you. But we've said this before on the podcast. When a camera comes out, right, learn how to act. Turn it up. Oh, okay. Turn it down. Learn how to act. Right on. You switch characters. If you want to be racist, let's put it like this. If you want to be racist, do it at home.

Do it in the goodness of your own home. Yeah. Yeah, just be a racist inside. Invite all the Asians you know. Bring them into your house. And do it there. Do it there. Go, fellas, I need to have a chit-chat with you. You fucking pantheist kook. Enjoy the fucking pot roast.

Right, and Steve from his workplace is like, this is a weird dinner. This is strange, but this is a very good pot roast, Martha. No, but I said that about what's his name that used to own the Clippers? What was his name that he got in trouble? Donald Sterling? Remember him? His girlfriend taped him talking shit about black guys. Inside of his house, let me tell you something. I was on his side because all he said was, I don't want you bringing big black dudes to the game that you fuck.

And she taped him. He knew she was cheating on him, and he was like, just don't bring them to the games, the big, beautiful athletes. Yeah. Was he racist? Maybe. I don't know. But he was just being a cock in his own house. If you're going to be a dick, just do it inside. Stay inside. In that specific incident, it's like racism is when you're derogatory in terms of like –

putting a race down beneath your own race almost. Below you, yeah. That obviously he was threatened. You know what I mean? By big black beautiful dick. Well that's because he knew she was just getting slaughtered. Right. Her vagina is just like juicy from it. Right? It's juiced out from it. Yeah, it's just like if you're like...

It's been murdered. She ended up squirting out. Just having a good time. A field day, yeah. Well, she was loving it. If they couldn't make a face. He was just an old fat white guy who was jealous. That's all it was. He was just a fat, porky dude who was jealous. But this right here is incited by the rhetoric that's happening in this country. That Asians are responsible.

It's so fucking crazy because, number one, those people obviously aren't Chinese. No, they're not Chinese. Yeah. They seem more island Asian. I couldn't even see who the family was. It looked Filipino to me. Is it Filipino? Rudy, can't you tell? Get a side profile of that. Well, this says, the news today, Loft House caught a video making an anti-Asian racist tirade against a family celebrating a birthday in Carmel Valley. It does not say...

anything about the family. But I guess... Look at the... I can just tell by the video. Well, hold on. There's got to be a... I'm sure there's a picture of the... Or there's a part of the people here. Because I think the dad gets on camera at some point or somebody puts themself on camera. So he apologized. Oh, it was a lady in the beanie. No, that was just... That's just them putting... Yeah, an ad putting over something. But yeah. Anyway, I mean, you know, this guy... Well, he's got a nice fashion though. At least a very nice fashion. Yeah.

San Francisco Tech. So what do you think is the responsible thing to do then? So he gets fired as CEO or does he keep his job? So if we're going to do this line of like we shouldn't be canceling people just for no reason, right? But we also – people need to learn some kind of public lesson if you're caught like this saying shit. Well, you know. What's the line? Immediately it affects the pocketbook because I don't know what the tech company does. Yeah. Right? But people will stop doing business with him. Yeah. Sure. Right?

And then when you don't have business, your company will crumble obviously, right? It's called solid eight. So it will happen organically. All I'm just saying is that the mob of the internet, right, going, he should step down. Burn him alive. You know what I mean? He should lose everything. I don't really know if that's –

I think... I know what you're saying. As a society, we have to kind of step back a little bit, man. It's an information technology service company. Yeah, it's done. It says, established in Silicon Valley cloud transformation experts, we lead change for consolidating in the cloud and also hating Asian pieces of shit. Oh, my God. That's in their breakdown. Yeah, so it's just a... Yeah. But honestly, there's a billion of these up in San Francisco. There'll be fucking... There'll be 10 more this morning. Yeah. Who gives a shit? Another fucking tech company? Get over it.

Yeah. Get over it. There's too many fucking tech companies anyway. But this thing, you know. Well, tell me what's appropriate. What do you do to that guy, Michael Lofthouse? What happens to him? Do we put him in a public jail? We put him in some kind of social jail of some kind? What do you do? You get to throw rocks at him for a day? No. What we have to do is get to the fucking root of the problem, right? Cut it out like a cancer. Yeah, but the real thing is that we have to. That's a big sigh. That means a lot. I know.

Can't fix. It's hard to fix. Okay. You're going to cry? No, it's just, you know, it's strange to think that, like, because I look the way I fucking do, some motherfucker can just, at a restaurant, fucking just full-blown go on a tirade when it has nothing to do with me. Sure. Number one, I was born here. Number two, I'm not Chinese. No. Number three, I don't know where the fuck it comes from, the coronavirus. Yeah.

We do. I know. China. I know. But I don't know where... I don't know how it came about. Yeah, we don't know. I don't know. Does it come from a lab? Does it come from eating animals? Well, it doesn't come from eating animals. They proved it. All right. So it comes from some lab. It's a lab. Wuhan fucked up. But how does that have anything to do... The rest of the people. ...with me? Right. So I go to a park and some guy goes, Hey, you chink, you brought the virus. Go leave. And you're like, what? What?

What you got to do is you got to go get a real Chinese guy and show him him and go, it's because of him. I'm Korean. Yeah. I'm fine. Yeah. It's insane. Yeah. But I don't even know. I was trying to think of. I don't know any Chinese people. Do you know any Chinese? Sure. Yeah. What's the guy from the comedy store? What's his name? My brain is just going such a bad blank. What's his name?

Oh, this is embarrassing. No, no, no. We keep this in. What's the Chinese guy's name? Come on, dude. So we don't know. No, I do know. What's his name then? Chan, Ching. Chan. What's his name? Ching Lao. Chan Han. What is his name? Ching Ching.

It's not like Cheat Sheet. It's Tongue and Cheat. No, honestly, what's his name? It's going to drive me crazy. No, I know. I'm trying to think in my mind. I swear to God. I'm having a brain fog. That's an actor. Chow Yun-Fat's an actor? Yes, Chow Yun-Fat's an actor. Jackie, Jackie. Jackie, Jackie. His name is... His name is Chan Chung Ching. There it is. No, it hasn't. What's his name, though? Bing Bong? I don't know.

I don't know. Fuck. I'm sorry. Text somebody. I can't continue if we don't know. No, but I don't. I'm going to text somebody. I don't want to because what are you going to text them? Who's Bing Bong? Let's see who we can call. What's Bing Bong's name? Yeah, yeah. Hold on. I mean. No, honestly. No, I know, but I just forgot. I don't know. Who would know? Chao Fung. Chao Fung. Chao Fung's his name. Chao Fung's his name. Chao Fung. God, dude. Why is my brain my- Chao Fung's his name. Chao Fung. Yeah. Change your name, Chao.

Change the chow part. Wait, why? Why? Fung's easy to memorize. Yeah? Chow Fung. Chow Fung. Chow Fung. Am I saying it? Yeah. I'm saying Chow Fung? I need to make sure. Let's call him Eli Fung. Eli Fung. Eli's a good name. Eli Fung. Fung Chow. Fung Chow. Fung Chow. We fucked it up. But the letters were right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The words were right. Chow's easy to remember. Chow Fung. His name is Fung Chow. Fung Chow. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Chow's easy to remember. Change Fung. Get out of Fung. Get Fung. Can I tell you something about that, kid? Yeah, what? I was in New York doing...

like a two day shoot on something. Yeah. And somebody was like, uh, uh, Oh, do you want to go do comedy juice? Um, up at, uh, wherever that was at, uh, is that, uh, not Caroline's maybe, whatever. I go over there. They're in the basement. A bunch of comedy store guys. Abby Roe bears was there. And, uh, uh, Funk Chow's there. And, and he goes, uh, you're going to stay to watch my set. That's not the accent. Well, his is like, uh, his is like, uh,

He's more like, I'm trying to, no, no, no, he's deeper. He's like, you're gonna stay too. He's like guttural too. Yeah, you're guttural. So I watch my set and I'd never, and I'd seen him like twice at the store but I wait in the back. I go, yeah, I'm gonna have a drink and hang out. He goes, oh, cool. Like he got excited about it. I said, oh, okay. He goes, within seconds, I'm thinking he's gonna like ease it in. He goes, he's like, my mom's a fat cunt. A stupid fat cunt.

I was like, what? Really funny. He's hilarious. I had no idea that he – I didn't know that he was that aggressive and raw. He's so Asian. How Asian is he? He's so Asian that one time I needed an emcee for the Irvine impromptu. Yeah. And I came up to him. And he bought a house down in Irvine and was like, I already live here. No, no, no. It's even worse. Okay. I go, hey, this weekend I need an emcee, and I know that you've asked to open for me over the years, and I'm giving you the shot. He goes, yeah, but I have to walk.

And I go, yeah, but this is work. This is work. This is a better work. But I told the comedy store that I have to work Friday and Saturday. I go, yeah, but in America, you can tell people, hey, something came up. I have to do this. And the comedy store obviously. That's what they want you to do. They want you to do that. My word is my honor.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he says, I come from a lineage line of people. We don't go against what we are warned. Wow, I like this motherfucker. And I go, yeah, but dude, I'm not going to ask you again. And he goes, I'm not going to tell you again. I will not tell you, Mr. Lee, again. I will not cancel my war. He didn't do it. He didn't do it. I give him a lot of credit. You should ask him again. But then like six months later, he comes up to me and goes, I fucked.

I was talking to a bunch of comedians and they told me that I fucked up. And if you could let me have the opportunity to open, I go, no. No, that's it. He goes, okay. He's a great dude. Will you take him when we open back up? No. Please? No. I'm gonna then. I will. Fung Chow, we're gonna take you. How about this? The first shows that we can do together, Fung's coming with us. Fung and Rudy. Fung and Rudy.

Yeah. Come on. Yeah, fungal. You don't want to commit to it? No. Okay. I have this weird thing where there was this- You don't want another Asian comic on the show. That's not what it is. Fuck you. You're fucking racist.

Asians all the time on my show, man. Name what Asians open up for you. Peter Kim's open for me. When? Dante Chang's open for me. How many years ago did these guys open for you? The last five years. A year and a half ago, but I had to say Peter Kim's so fucking funny that I told him to go home. Why? Because he ripped her too hard? Oh my God. This guy could rip it. You got nervous, huh? I got real nervous.

There was this bartender at the comedy store named Max back in the day. Uh-huh. Maybe five years ago. Up here? And he'd go, hey, man. Yeah, Hollywood. Oh, yeah. It's my dream to open for you, man. I go, all right, dude, I'm doing Ontario improv, right? This Friday. Yeah. You can emcee. It's 7.30 when the show starts. Yeah. He's not there. Where are you, Max? I'm in traffic, man. Mm, buddy. I go. Mm, buddy. Turn around. Bye. Bye.

And he, a couple of months later, he quit his job there and I never saw him again. Holy shit. I feel bad. No, you shouldn't. Why? Because everybody fucking, dude, when I opened for somebody, the first time I got to open for somebody was fucking Billy Gardell, I think. Yeah.

I was at the fucking Irvine Improv three days before I was supposed to be there. Oh, yeah. I showed up. The sun was coming up. I got to Irvine at like 9 a.m. Yeah. And I just waited around. I was at, I went to like an Olive Garden for lunch. I sat in the parking lot in my car. Yeah, it should be your number one priority. The only thing I had to do that day was go to the goddamn show. I call Fihim. I go, hey, you want to open for me next week? He goes, I'm already here. Yeah.

I swear to God. I'm already here. I knew you were going to ask me. I'm already here. He called me yesterday, by the way. We talked for a long time. If you don't know Fahey Manowar, easily one of the funniest comedians I've ever seen in my fucking life, is a prolific joke writer. Constantly is making new jokes, and they're very fucking funny. So please check him out because we love him.

Beachbody. You guys, without Beachbody, I think I would be 300 pounds because I've been using this service and it's great. I use the Morning Meltdown 100. I've used that too. It's actually really fun. It's really good. These are the same guys from P90X and Insanity 21 Day Fix. They know what they're doing. You can get online. If you're home during the pandemic, you can't go to your gym. You don't want to share sweat. This is a great answer. Honestly, tons of people to work with on there. Tons of different workouts you can try. They have the best trainers online.

They do. They have guys like Tony Horton. Autumn Canaprese. We love her. Joel Freeman, Jericho, McMatthews. So many workouts. You can bodybuild, weight train, cardio. You can do yoga, which Bob and I were supposed to do together, but we had to do it separately. Short is 10 minutes. So if you have nothing and no equipment, you're still good. You can access it anywhere, anytime. iPad, phone, laptop.

tablet, computer, whatever. You got it in your house. Listen to Bad Friends. You can try it out for free. That's all you got to do. You can try it out for free just because you love us. Get a special membership. Text BADFRIENDS to 303030. You get full access, right? Yep. All the workouts, all the information, nutrition is free. Text BADFRIENDS to 303030. Text BADFRIENDS to 303030. Hello, Fresh!

Hello Fresh offers so many recipes to choose from each week to help you break out your recipe rut. That's right. There's something for everyone. Low-calorie, vegetarian, family-friendly every single week. Hello Fresh delivers high-quality stuff to your front door. It's so delicious, guys. It's really good. You make yourself a good meal. Contactless. Over 90% of the ingredients are sourced directly from growers to ensure the freshest recipes are delivered to your door. Right. It fits your lifestyle, and it's extremely easy to do. If you've never used Hello Fresh, it's simple. It comes right to your front door. It's so easy.

It's almost all ready to go. Unpack it. Put it together. Put it in your mouth and in your belly. It's very, very good. And it's also – they're giving back because they're making food for people in need, 2.5 million meals to charity. Isn't that nice? They're good people. Yeah. All right. I like that. I think that's a nice thing to do. Help them out because they're helping people out. It's a worthwhile program if you've never tried it. Go to HelloFresh.com.

For a special order Slash BadFriends80 So HelloFresh.com Slash BadFriends80 To get a total of $80 off man That's a lot of money Additional restrictions may apply Go to HelloFresh.com Slash BadFriends80 Can I show you something? I found my new sport I found my new sport It's called And I'm gonna fuck up the name

Calicio Storiccio. Okay, let me explain this sport. This happens in Florence, Italy every year. I saw a documentary about this. This blows my fucking mind. Okay? It's only in Florence, Italy, and it's three teams, three different colors. First of all, let me just back up for a second. This literally looks like Spartacus. Bob. Even the saturation of the film. Is this the 1960s? This is 2019, but it's in Florence, and they don't have good technology yet. Okay. Okay.

Look at me when I say this. It's the most insane sport that no one talks about because it only happens in Florence. Three teams, the colors of the Italian flag, and the team you play for is the district you're born in. You're not allowed to go, I play for Liverpool. Oh, now I get to play. No. You're born there. You stay there. Right? Yeah, I like that. The game is a combo of rugby, soccer, wrestling.

and fist fighting. Really? I'm not kidding. Wow. When the game starts, these men on the front line, you'll see. Okay. They get to fist fight and whoever goes down, you have to stay down until a goal is scored, then you can get back up and fight again. Really? The front line has to fight, the back line tries to score. Okay. Watch this fucking shit. Bye.

This is the pride of Florence, Italy. Look at these fucking guys. Oh my God. Ready to beat the shit out of each other. Just calm, hanging out, doing a little bob and dancing. Yeah.

And they wear these ridiculous, beautiful, like, uh... They're beautiful. They look like... Oh, look, they're okay. Okay, here we go. What happens? Look down. Just fights. They're beating the shit out of each other. You can go two on one. You can do it. Dude, you can do it. There's tackle. No rules. Look at that tackle. So now that they're both down, whoever took you down, look at that kicking. No rules except for penis stuff. No penis stuff. Yeah.

So let me pause. That's what happens. Hold on. Once a guy is down like this, like these two men, so the man who took him down... The guy on top is the winner. That's right. So the bottom has to surrender, like in wrestling, but he just has to stay over him so the referee knows he took him down. He has to stay now until the goal is scored. Ah.

Mind you, this guy wants to stay down because otherwise you get attacked by four guys. They come and beat the shit out of you. They come and beat the shit out of you. All the meanwhile, someone's trying to score a fucking goal in the background. If he got taken down as well. If you knock someone out,

And you go down with them, but you don't go down first. They're done. You can get back up and fight someone new. Okay, let me say this. But once I'm down with that other person— You have to be on the ground until the goal is scored. Right, so it doesn't—

It's not a good thing to tackle somebody and go down then. Well, you don't want to be taken down as well, right? So that's what that happened there. Yes, he took him down with him. Why don't you – so the guy that took the other guy down has to – so he's on top of the guy. You physically have to pin them. Right. And then it's like, okay, I'm down too. Then the guy on the bottom would basically say, well, get off me then. No, he can't. You have to be covered. We're both down. Doesn't matter. I'm covering you. We're both down. Lay down next to me. No, I'm on top of you. Get off of me. This is what I like.

This is what I trained for. The fistfights are, to me, are the most shocking. They just, look at this, just a couple of guys just beating the fucking shit out of each other. And they're from a mile away from each other. They were born at just, you know, four miles away. So this guy with the ball, they're passing in the background, trying to advance the ball past the fistfights.

So this guy, right? They're both going down. Now he's down and he's down. They both have to stay down. Yeah. But they're allowed to wrestle it out until he can pin him. All right. No. All right. No.

Okay, so now watch. Let me advance it to a point. Oh, look at this. Two tag team. Oh, fuck. Let's go. Oh, let's go. Oh, you want some? Is that the judge? The guy that has the jacket under the judge? That's the judge right there. Look at that. Fuck out of here. Look at these guys.

The beauty of this sport, by the way, let me say this. They all go get fucked up together afterwards. That's what I love. They all go party because when it's over, it's over. They smile at each other. Two of the guys in the documentary, one guy was from the blue team, one was from the white. He works with him.

Okay, now this is after the game, you and I. Yeah, we're all fucked up. Oh, man. Congratulations, man. You guys won. Hey, we're Italian. Yeah. We're Italian. There it goes. Do that. Hey, Antonini. Good to see you. How you doing? How good? I bruise, bruise. You know, this is bruising. You bruise all over my body as well. But you know what? It's good to see you. You're good.

What I told you. I'm a fuck-hooler. I'm a fuck-hooler. Get off of me. You did not get off of me. Because I want to be there. I know, but we're already put down. It does not matter. That's what I like to be. You're a fuck-hooler.

Hey, I can't get on top of my wife. I get on top of you. Hey, Florando, I'm not gay. I am not gay either. But you gyrated. Yes, and I kissed your lips. Yes. No rules. There is a rule that's against the ordinances. No, it's a no rules. Get off of me. Don't kiss my lips. I'm going to stay. Don't come on my belly. Let me buy you a drink. Okay. Let's do it again. These guys beat the life out of each other. Here, I'll turn the volume down on this. You need to hear the announcers. But...

So these guys just beat the shit out of each other until the ball can be advanced. Holy shit. I mean, it's a con. So when you say gladiator, that's what it is. Yeah. This is, this is look at the guys bleeding. Oh, bleeding. You can't do that.

One of the guys in the documentary had a... What's the documentary called? I'll... Oh, fuck. I'm so... It's called Cali... No. Calicio Storico. C-A-L-C-I-O. I have to watch this shit. Yeah. I have to watch this shit. But there's a documentary on Netflix. I think it's called Home Game or something like that. Really? I think Home Game might be right, but... Calicio... Storico. Storico. I wish I knew how to say that. Calicio Storico? Storico. Calicio. Calicio Storico. Here it is.

It's an early form of football that originated in the 16th century Italy. Once widely played, the sport is thought to have started in the Piazza Santa Croce in Florence. In the Florence Square. Wow. That's what they said. It's amazing. What else does it say in there? Does it tell you? That's it. Yeah, and it only takes place in Florence, and this happens every year. These guys come back, and they beat the shit out of each other every single year. Here we go. In Italian, let me spell it. C-A-L-I-C-O, right? Yeah.

Calcio Storico. Calcio Storico. I was not that far off. Very good. Because you're talented. You should fucking know that. No, I should have known what he said. What? What did you see? You saw three seasons? Three seasons of Alone. And you fucking loved it. I saw the one that's on Netflix. Phenomenal. I've started the new season. Oh. I'm four episodes in. Dude. So good. So fucking good. Are you watching it, Rude?

I saw seasons. I'm watching anime. Oh my god. She just sits there on her days off. Just sits there on the bed and just with her iPad. Yeah. And just watches 16 hours of anime.

I don't know what that does to the mind. Rots it. Yeah, maybe. Or... Or are you going to be an illustrator one day? Can you draw? No. Oh, well, fuck it. What are you doing? I saw season four, season six, and I'm starting with season seven. And I'm going to say... Alone is so good. It's good. It's so good. It's so good. It's so good. But I think one of the seasons...

A guy that you thought would never win won. Yes. So a lot of it is not necessarily skill. Oh, no, no, no. A lot of it is mental fortitude. Right. And also, you get these medical tests, people that have seen the show. If you don't pass the medical test, you could feel great and be doing great. If they see that your body is eating away at your muscle, they might take you. But I would love to try. Bob, go ahead.

I'm not saying that I'm going to last two or three days. How long? I just want to try. I want to see if I can last 48 hours. How about this? Yeah. We should set something up.

We'll have the crew set something up where you and I go and we spend 24 hours alone in Joshua Tree. Yeah. And all we've got is a sleep tent. I want the 10 things that they have. No, you don't get 10 because we're going for one day. I still need the 10 things. I need my tarp. I need my machete. No. You do get a machete. We'll get knives. Can I get a cooking pan?

Yes, and a fire starter. Can I get space-age food? No space food. From the fucking astronauts. One can of beans. You know how the astronauts have dried freeze... Dippin' Dots. That's where that came from. One knife, one tent. Knife, tent, fire starter, can of beans. That's all you get. No, no can of beans. No food. Okay. We can hunt our food. You're gonna eat... I'm gonna trap! Joshua Tree's the desert. There's nothing out there. I'll trap something. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Knife, fire starter, a pot or a pan. Yeah. Water because there's no water source up there. I need wire. You need 10-pound wire, 20-pound wire. To set my traps. Yeah, okay. That's five. What else? And then I need a snake stick. I need a stick. Snake stick? A stick that I could take a snake. A spear? You have to make that. Oh. You have to make that. Okay. Okay.

Okay. What else do I need? Then you get to bring – No water? No, you have to. There's no water source. You can't – there's no water. Let's go to a place where there's a water source because I've learned through Naked and Afraid and through Alone how to do it. What do you do to the water you find in a lake? Well, some rivers – I'll tell you a story. My dad and my family went to Yosemite, and I was probably maybe eight or nine years old. We went to Yosemite.

There was no bottle of water back then. No. So we were driving along and I was thirsty. Yeah. I go, Dad, can we stop somewhere? Because I'm thirsty. He goes, no, there's no place to stop. I go, I'm so thirsty. He just pulls over and we go to this field with this lake. Right? But it's not even a lake. It's a pond almost. Yeah, it's a pond. Right. Drink. You didn't know. Yeah, just drink. So I drank out of the fucking pond. You could have got dysentery and died. I went to the hospital. No shit. Yeah.

I almost died. What did he say? He goes, you said you were thirsty. You know what I mean? I go...

He doesn't know any better. Yeah. I know that the water has to be flowing. Or sometimes when you take a lake, you dig another hole so that the water flows into that other hole. It filters out the soil. Sand. But bacteria can still get in there. Right. But then I would boil it. You have to boil it. So I would boil the water. Okay. Right? And because of alone, I would set little traps. Yeah. Right? So I'd take a rock and a little stick, and I'd put like a –

You know, Skittles or something. No, not Skittles. Or whatever lures the animal. When they set those traps up. A Boston bean. One Boston baked bean. Do you love Boston beans? Yes. One Boston bean. The candy. Yeah, I know. Everything loves that. You're going to put it right down there. Right there. And put the little thing. Yeah. And then. A heavy rock, right? Yeah, a heavy rock. And the mouse will go, Boston bean! And then his fat hip will hit the fucking stick. Crush! Crush!

Right. I don't know how to gut an animal. Well, that's super important because how are you going to – Yeah, but I make assumptions. Oh, you might know. Yeah. So what I would do is take a Swiss Army knife. Yeah. Right? And I would first – I would shake it first. Shake the mouse or the knife? Yeah, to see if it was dead. Okay.

Can you hear the Boston baked bean rattling around inside of there? Yeah. But if I went like this, I would stick it back in the rock and just walk away. Wouldn't you just crack its neck? No. I would do it. I wouldn't be able to do it. You couldn't do that? Yeah. Rudy, could you crack an animal's neck? If you had to eat it, if you knew you were going to eat it, could you just crack a little rabbit's neck? Maybe. Maybe. I saw my grandmother do that. So I would take the rat, shake it. It's dead, right? And immediately I would just take the dick off. Why? Why?

Why the dick? I don't want to eat it. The dick is not... Don't want to eat it. Don't want it. What if there's a lot of protein in the dick? I don't want the dick. I just take the dick out. The dick probably is inside their body. I know where a dick generally is on any animal. If you blow on their nose...

The dick pops out. Oh, really? No, I have no idea. I would do that. All right. So then I would gut it. I would take an army knife and take the belly. That's right. And slice it open. And I would peel the skin off. Right. You have to skin it because you want to keep the skin. Yeah. So I'd try to peel the skin off the best I could. Yeah. Right? And then I would...

gut it down the middle and just take everything that I can from the inside. All of the organs? Yeah. Would you eat the heart and the liver? No. You're supposed to. I won't. Because I don't know which one is good. Right. You don't want to guess. What's the tastiest portion? Well, the meat is going to be the best. Right. So I'll just take the... And then I would stick a stick through, you know what I mean? And I would just... Like a rotisserie chicken over the fire. Mm-hmm.

All right. Maybe we should set something up, the bad friends in the desert. But snake, I don't know how to do. Well, I'm not eating a snake. Snake, it doesn't taste... Yeah, but in a survival situation, they do eat snake. Some of them, but I'd rather just eat vegetation if I can find it. Yeah, I'd have to get a book on what herbs to eat. And what you can eat, because you could get some berries and you could get fucked up from them. Yeah, or certain frogs, if they're too colorful. Well, then they're poisonous. If there was like a gay frog. They're...

You know what I mean? The frogs are gay. No, no, no. You sound like, what's his name? Well, you know how some frogs are like, here I am. I'm a frog. And they have like purple, they have a whole thing. And they just show, they go, rebat. Right, right. I'm a frog. And so, you know what I mean? It's like, I won't eat those because I don't want to get fucking high. Yeah. Or you could die or get really sick. Did you just fart? Yeah. In the middle of...

Stop it. Stop it. This isn't a big room. I know. I get really gassy. Can we call Fancy B? Oh, wow. Hey, guys. Hey, baby boy. What's the date? What's the date? What happened today?

Wow. You guys like, yeah. You're excited too about July 13th? We couldn't be more. We're so excited about July 13th. When I woke up today, what a special feeling I had in my gut. Yes. I go, this is a monumental moment here. Mm-hmm.

What is going on on July 13th? And I thought maybe there's some sort of historical relevance about the day. Is there any relevance about today? There's tons of relevance. I'm going to tell you. Yeah, this is very important. So in 2016, 40 years ago, on July 13th, Prime Minister David Cameron resigned from his duties in the UK. Holy crap. Because of Brexit. Yeah.

The beginning event of the UK. Wow, Bob, that's important. That's important. What else happened today? Well, like 35 years ago in 1985, then Vice President Bush became acting president for one day because Ronald Reagan went under surgery. Because Reagan went under surgery. I remember that. I remember that. Wow. I think he takes power then and then. Then he got it hungry for it. What else? Did anything else crazy happen?

Yeah. 47 years ago in 1973, the investigators for the Watergate discovered that Nixon had a secret recording system. A democratic escapist building. Did anything else happen today? Yeah.

Sorry? Anything else happen today on this day in history? Plenty of things. Like 206 years ago, this is my favorite. This was why I got really interested in this day. Italy created the Carabinieri. Carabinieri, yes. The Italian with the hats. Yeah. Right. I know that too. The National Guard in Italy. Yeah, it is today. Yeah. I have a question. Who the fuck holds a mic like that? Well, how he's pinching it? Yeah.

Hold it how you hold your penis. How do you hold your penis? That's how you hold a microphone. That's how you hold it. Oh, Andres. Oh, Andres, very nice. Bueno, bueno, bueno. Bueno, espanol. Espanol. Okay, so look, today in history was an important day. You did a great job. It's really good to see you back on the show. It's really nice. Yeah, good to see you guys. We miss you, okay? Yeah, I've been missing you. But we... I've been missing you. But we've got Rudy in here now, so...

I don't know if we're ever going to see you again live. I got to tell you. I mean, by coming to that conclusion. It's okay. Let me ask you, do you, is there, be honest, is there any resentment toward Rudy? Be honest. Be honest. Well,

There it is. There it is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have to say. What is it? What is the resentment? Just get it out. Might as well get it out in the open. He called me and he was like, we were having a discussion about the show and he's like, he's getting a little heated. He's like, why do you need it so fast? I'm trying my best to do that. And I'm like, yeah, you just need to. And he's like, well, don't you have that bitch in there do it for you? And I'm like, what? What?

He said, why don't you have that bitch in there? I was your favorite foreigner. Wow. Yeah, you know, you're not. You're not our favorite foreigner. Yeah. No, no. We'll take a Filipino any day of the week. Sorry, man. They're just, she's nicer than you. She's cooler than you. She doesn't talk back. Doesn't talk back. Right. And you run your mouth sometimes, pal. Yeah. You get a little caliente in here. I'd smack you around. Okay. I know. I've been plotting against her a little bit, but yeah. Have you really? Yeah.

Yeah. All right. You're a director, right? He's a director, a writer, producer. When are we going to do that short film with me and Andrew? Have you written that script yet? Well, you could be surprised. I have prepared not a short, but a feature for the two of you with Carlos Herrera. He's got a feature for us. I love Carlos. Yeah, I love Carlos a lot. He's the best. Do you write with Carlos Herrera?

Yeah. Huh? Okay, good. I've been working with him. Yeah, it's... Oh, I can't wait. Let's... What is... Can you give me the premise of the movie? Yeah. It's a horror teen comedy where... You know Bobby's 50 and I'm 36. And... Like, imagine, like, something, like, super bad meets Friday the 13th. Okay. So, it's...

A bunch of friends, I mean you two guys and some of your comedic friends, playing teenagers in high school. Obviously there's a role for Rudy there.

And, you know, there's like a murder on the loose. And while they try to lose their virginity around prom night, they have also to solve this murder on campus. So me and Bobby lose our virginity. So we play high schoolers. I think we could do it. Yeah. Yeah, we look like high school kids. No, no, no. I know we don't, but I think that would be funny if I shaved my mustache. Right? Right.

cut my hair. Yeah. We put a lot of makeup on. Still not going to work. Yes, I think it will. I think so. Imagine David. What do you mean? You can have Eric Griffin like could be a bully and he pushes you in the locker. Well, he could play like the janitor or the principal or something. Right. The magical janitor. You know how sometimes like, you know, what was that golfy one with Will Smith?

There's always a magical guy. The Bagger Vance? Yeah, Bagger Vance, right. Or the Green Mile. I love when there's a magical black guy. Oh, so he's our magical black guy. Yeah, he's a magical guy. He doesn't really exist, but he's the janitor of the school. He just kind of appears. He's been demoted. He's at the school. Well, what if he's like an object, an animal? What if he's a talking locker? You know? And the vents up top are the things that talk. He's like, you late to class again! Yeah!

That'd be fun. Andreas, I like this. I want to read this script. I'm excited. Okay. Okay. All right. Well, look, we love you. Give us a kiss. Give us one big long kiss. Ready? That's not long enough. There it is. Love you, bud. All right, buddy. Love you so much. Bye, baby. Good to see you guys. You hate that guy. I love him. I'll tell you, Rudy hates him. No. Yeah. Yeah, you do. Yeah, she does.

Yeah, you do. You know, it's funny. I love him to death. The last couple of days, I've been asking Rudy what's the matter. Yeah. Because when she looks at me or she's in the kitchen, she just has a sad, glum vibe about her. What's going on, Rudy? And I go, what's going on? She goes, I'm fine. She's plotting to fucking kill you, dude. I'm telling you, she's sharpening knives. There's something going on. So can you talk about...

What? Don't do the I think. About the boy? Is it about the same, that boy? No, something great happened the other day. What happened? Can we talk about it real quick? Yeah. Okay. So you know that her real father, her biological father. Bill Gates? No, no, no. He's some Filipino dude who when he was seven years old, he started his own family and hasn't seen Juliana since then. Yeah.

And last night, was it? Or two nights ago? Two nights. He reached out to you on Facebook. Yeah. And he said he wanted to talk to you. What did you say? And she said, okay. And they had a conversation. How was it? Get closer to the mic. Real close. The name of this show should be Get Closer to the Mic. Yeah. Wait a minute. Get Closer to the Mic. How was it, Jules? Was it weird? Did you enjoy it? It was awkward. Yeah. Because I forgot his voice, his face. Yeah.

You haven't seen him since you were seven? Yeah. And so did you video chat or just... Video chat. Yeah, on Facebook, video chat. When he reached out to you on Facebook, were you apprehensive? Were you like, I don't want to talk to this guy because he hasn't really reached out before? I was curious, but then I also didn't want to talk because...

I don't know. It's weird. Yeah. Yeah. That is, it is, it is weird. I have a friend who was adopted and he didn't want to meet his. Yeah. You get, I would assume you, there's some sort of resentment or abandonment issues. Yeah. Cause it's like, why'd you fucking leave? Yeah. And they're like, no, but I want to meet. It's like, well, so do you guys, did you speak in English to each other or no? Um, English and Cebuano. Oh, so you go back and forth. Yeah. Is his English good? Yeah. Has he been to the United States before?

No, but he's been in Korea. Why in Korea? Because his wife is Korean. Oh. Yeah. There's a lot of Koreans from the island of Cebu. It's like, I don't know. His new wife. Because your mother, they met when they were really young. Yeah. What was that? Did you want to cry or no?

No. I was just laughing. They say that's what psychopaths do. They just laugh instead of cry. Jules, see how there's this much space between the mic and my mouth? You have to eat the mic. Get closer. It's already closed. That's fine. That's good.

We have her fucking levels turned all the way up just so we can capture her. I know, I know. Because she goes like this. Ask me a question. I'm Rudy. Go ahead. Ask me a question. Go. How's it going, Rudy? He's pretty good. I know. Yeah. All right. So it wasn't as painful as you thought it was going to be? Yeah. Are you going to speak again? He really wants to talk to me and start a relationship. Yeah. Let me tell you something.

You're a grown-up. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you don't want a relationship with him, you can say no for now and revisit it later. I think it's different. You shouldn't feel pressure. I think it's different because her stepfather, I know because he's been to her house. You like your stepdad. That's her dad. Right. So Kalilah's sister, Honey, right? What a name. Kalilah's your aunt. Yeah. Yes. My girlfriend. And...

Giovanni is your dad, right? Ooh, that sounds like a great name. They've had, wait, what, one, two, three other children. So your brothers and your sisters are with four others. Well, the fourth one isn't real, right? Adopted, but still real. Well, it's a real person. They just keep it in the basement. Well, yeah, they keep it away from people. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Get closer to the mic. Get closer to the mic. Keeps wandering. Yeah. It goes straight ahead like this. You're driving me crazy. Okay, good.

And so I don't think that she has any kind – I think she's okay with it because she doesn't really view the guy as her dad. Right. So right? Yeah. Yeah. And when we talked after you got – we talked right after you were having the conversation with them, and you seemed okay. Yeah. Almost happy. Yeah. So you're happy about it? Yeah. All right. Good. Good.

Well, I want to see where this relationship continues. I want to see if you guys actually get along. We'll check in. If you get on with him. Can I show you something? Okay, go ahead. You tell me if you think, give me your assessment on this pretty lady. What do you say about this lady? She's trans. She's the first trans woman. I looked at this a thousand times. I was like, that was not a guy before. This is the first trans person in Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

I looked at it a thousand times. I was like, they're lower down. I want to see what the legs look like. The penis. Oh, the legs. Yeah. Look at that fucking face. Yeah. She's pretty. I was like, there's, that was never a guy. There's no chance. Would you? Yeah. If you're single? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if there's a, if there's a PP, it'd be weird. It'd be hard.

You would suck the pee-pee. It'd be weird if her penis was bigger than mine, I'd be so bummed. I know, but you would do it. I know. Yeah. Just don't come in my mouth. Nah, come on, come on. Back it up. I back it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, incredible. First, pretty monumental, Mahan. That's pretty wild. That's congratulations to Valentina Sampio. I'm going to look her up. The first transgender model to appear in Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and is better looking than all my exes by a landslide.

Thank you for being a bad friend. I didn't hear you. She didn't even fucking say it. No, I didn't. No, you didn't. Yeah, yeah. No, you fucking didn't. You're going to do it on your own now. Now you're going to do it. No. Yes, yes. You're doing it on your own. No, no, no. It's on your own because you fucked that up. You fucked it up. Thank you for being a bad friend. That's great. Very perfect. Love it. All right.