Daddy Why You Die? 01:26:48

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I wanted to write a Father's Day song, and I told you I was going to do that too. Yeah, you promised me, and I thought you weren't going to do it. I'm being serious. And I forgot about it, and then we were sitting here outside waiting for you because you were late. I wasn't late. I was getting you sugar-free Red Bull. Rudy.

Was I getting sugar-free Red Bull? Yeah. See? Okay, but were we here before I called them? Dude, you called me. It doesn't matter. No, no. You called me and said... Can we do the Father's Day? What's you're angry about? You always do this to me. You trample on me. Trample, trample. You're trample. You trample on me. Trample, trample. You trample, trample. That's you. Trample, trample. Yeah, yeah. Go ahead, Tramply. So, you know, while we were waiting for you, because we were early... Because I got sugar-free, where will you go? Yeah, and I wrote a song real quick.

Because I write a lot of music on my garage band, so I just came up with it. I have an older, weird song. You know what I mean? So I wrote a song for my dad. Okay, let's hear it. All right. Daddy, I miss you. Why are you dead? Daddy, I need you. Laying in your bed.

I'm sorry I took photos of you while you were dead and sent it to the Hudson's what was in my head. You were dead and I whipped out and moaned. I can't fucking believe I did that shit. I'm all alone. I miss you, daddy. I love you. Okay, there we go. That's a song. Very good.

Very good song. I Missed You, Dad. And he died 11 months ago. Wait, was it already 11 months ago? It's terrible. Rest in peace, Daddy. Yeah, it's been a terrible, terrible 12 months. It's been bad. Yeah, it's been bad. My dad died last August. And then the pandemic. Then the pandemic came. You sound like it's fake. You're saying like it's not real. It's not real. Yeah, SDL.

Can you... We'll talk about that later. We'll talk about it later. And then... D-D-L-Hugh, Jesus. D-D-L. And then poured... Then a massive injustice that happened once again for the thousandth time. And then last Tuesday something happened that was just as shocking and terrifying to me. Yeah, same. I have a... I want people to know that I don't know what I don't know. The news that you received...

Tuesday is the same exact new information that we received. Yeah, we were not privy to any of that stuff and did not know. And we found out when you found out. I think that that kind of behavior is abhorrent. I resent it. And it's not good. No, it was awful and shocking and very...

Quite frankly, taking us all aback. I mean, we called each other and, you know, you sit in disbelief because you you don't know. We don't know this stuff. And we're finding this stuff out at the same time. People are and people are throwing throwing around questions to everybody. We don't know. I haven't we haven't slept. And what we know now is we're it's really it's really it's really disappointing. It's really sad. And I think all we can say is we hope we hope he gets help.

And that's it. And that's all we can say. I mean, like, you know. That's all we can say. Yeah. But we want to continue to do our bad friend show. Can we do our bad friend show? We want to do our bad friend show. Yeah. And we started with the dead dad song, which I think is good. I have two dads. I brag to you very, very heavily about that. But when you say that. No. At first, because you've been saying that all day. I only had one dad. I know your mom looks like a man.

But is that what you're saying? That my mom looks like a man. I have two dads. My mom is very pretty. I put pictures of her online. She's a very pretty woman. I've seen your mom. Your mom is beautiful. No, she's not. The little BTS troll. I've seen her. Really? You want to see my mom? No. Yeah, I'm going to show you my mom. Yeah, let's see your mom. All right. Here's my dad holding me, by the way, when I was a baby. What's so fucking funny? What's so funny? That's me as a baby. Look at your dad's head.

Your dad's head is huge. It makes sense why your fucking melon is so big. Your dad's head is massive. Look at how big his dad's melon is. I can't help it. I'm Korean. Do all Koreans have big heads? We're generally a big-headed people. I don't know. That's huge. That looks like a fucking helium balloon. Yeah, next to my baby head. Next to my baby head, it looks big. Your baby head looks like my head as an adult. All right, so, and then this is my mother. That's my mother.

It's so fucking funny. Is she cross-eyed? Yeah, she is cross-eyed. Hey, fuck you. And that's my mom. You made fun of my parents. You're the one that said I have two dads. I don't know what to fucking assume. I do have two dads. Well, I technically have two dads. You really? My mom remarried. Oh, she did. My mom is a strong, independent, badass woman. And what happened to OG dad? He's still alive. He abandoned you. No, he didn't. He abandoned the family.

Did he abandon you? Do you have resentment? No, he went away to prison. Is that the one that you were just talking to earlier? No, that was my stepdad. That's your fake dad. My stepdad. Not your real dad. No, that is my real dad. That's not biological blood dad. My biological father went away to prison. Did he really? Yeah, a few times.

Why? See, now everything comes so clear to me. It comes to a point and I can figure things out. Because I'm thinking to myself, you know what I mean? Where does his like... No, he had... My parents got divorced when I was young. Your rage, though. Your rage and your anger. Where did that come from? Let me see. Can I talk? Your original dad? Your original dad. You...

My parents got divorced when I was young. My mom is a strong, badass, independent, hardcore, thick woman, beautiful woman. Yes. Who is a fucking gangster who raised me by herself. Great. Like a G. Great. Started at the bottom. I know. I love your mom. She's a gangster. She's a fucking badass woman. Okay. Respect my mother. All right. So what happened to your original dad?

He unfortunately is a he's a drug addict and he got he got caught up in the drug scene and went away. But I mean, he's been sober and healthy for a long time. And so did he have to start a new family? I used to joke my my dad has more kids than my black friends have shoes. Whoa, too soon.

What the fuck are you talking about? After George Floyd? Come on, man. Shut the fuck up. So you have other... You have stepbrothers and sisters. Those are half. That means half. You have half ones. Yeah, those are half. And so you ever mention them that you don't consider them real? No, no, no. I don't know most of my dad's side of the... I don't know a lot of them. Like, we just went separate ways in life. Oh, so you don't know... You have...

Half brothers and sisters out there. Yeah, they're your halves. That you've never met or talked to? I have one that's like a couple years younger than me. How old is she? Well, I'm 36, and she must be 33 after my mom split from my dad. Is that incest if you point because you weren't raised together? I mean, if I do like Latino chicks and—

Come on. No, but I've never met her. I don't even know who she is. Wow. But she's a couple years younger than me, and I don't know who she is. And does she have the same last name as you, Santino? No, because I don't think her—my father and her mother never got married. They just had a child together. They never got married, so she has the last name of her mother. My dad didn't remarry— Do you have the last name of your OG dad? Yeah, Santino was my birth name. A birth name. And is your sister—

The one that you know, my sister. Your real sister? No, I'm the only child. She's my half. She's from my stepdad and my mom.

Wow. But the one I'm referring to, the one that's like 33, who I don't know, I've never met before, is a grown woman who my dad had a couple years after my mom and him split. Why don't you guys get together? I don't know. Maybe she doesn't fucking want to get together. Have you tried? No. Do you know her name and all that? We're not going to say it, but you don't know her name. No, I don't know her name. You don't even fucking know her name? Dude, it was a story that I didn't learn until literally a couple years ago.

I was told this story later in life of like, hey, you have a sister. So you have no relationship with OG? With her? No, with your original dad. Oh, yes, I do. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. You never said, hey, dad, do I have any half brothers and sisters? No, that's what I'm saying. He told me later in life. Okay. Yeah. But also, I was like, oh, my God, I have a 34-year-old or whatever, 33-year-old sister.

It's crazy to think someone is almost your age that you've never met in 30 years, 30 some odd years. That is strange. Right? You don't even know it. It's blood. Blood is there. Yeah. You don't even know it. Like all of us have some kind of family member that we've never met before. Like I know some people have family members that I've heard this from. There was a comic. Oh, I don't want to mention his name. This was crazy though. He learned his father had another family, was like –

Not married, but was like raising another entire another family with a woman who had kids from another family. And they raised kids together that they had. And it didn't exist until he was in his late 20s. Oh, my God. I'll tell you off air who it was. Dude, it put him in a spiral. It's spiraling. He's like, wait a minute. I have you have I have sisters and brothers with someone I've never even met. Yeah. 20 some odd years. It's funny because when you find out things about people like that.

Like did they have another? No, you see even dark shit. Huh? Like, you know, I worked with this girl once on a show. What show? I can't tell you. Because I don't want people to narrow it down and go, it's this person. Sure. So I worked with this person on the show. And this person, like, whenever I would do scenes with her, like they would say cut. And I'd go, that was good. And she was just going to look at me like that. Did you like it? And then I'd go, what did you do this weekend? Nothing. Nothing.

You know what I mean? That type. You go to craft service, right? Lunchtime. She's eating the spoons. No, she's sitting by herself.

Oh, the cool shit with her. I do. I would go, you know what I mean? Like I'm the popular kid at school. You. Yeah, with my Letterman jacket. Can you imagine one of those high school movies? That all the good looking kids are nerds and you're the popular kid? I'm the popular kid, yeah. And you walk around and you're like, what's up ladies? And everyone's like, Bobby's here. Yeah, yeah. I like to hang out with the stoners or whatever, right? And the weird nerds. So I go, I would sit next to her and go,

Wow, fuck. You know what I mean? Chicken again. Or something like that. She would just eat chicken. Well, no. You know, sometimes craft service, they just have one piece of kind of meat. Oh, yeah. It's kind of a ghetto. So I go, chicken again. And she'd just be like, yeah, chicken. And she would just eat it, right? And I was like, I can't get through. Like, we're on a show together. Yeah. Right? Were you acting in scenes together or no? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. One time...

Wait, wait, finish this though. She was eating alone. Yeah, she would eat alone a lot. And I would go, and she would just give me cross eyes. Yeah, chicken. And just eat. Never ask about me. But you'd sit there in silence and just eat a meal with her? Yeah, just sit there in silence and just go, what else can I say? You don't need to get it going. You know what I mean? Wow, the new fucking Radiohead album.

I don't get it. In rainbows? I don't get it. She's like, what's a radio head? What's a rainbow? Do you mean your car? Yeah, it was that kind of thing. So what? And then one time in the scene, I had to pull her hair. What? Yeah, in a scene, I had to pull her hair. Like a sex scene? No, it wasn't a sex scene. It was a violent scene. Like you were fighting her? Yeah. Holy shit. And I had to pull her hair, right? Uh-huh. And...

She had a wig on. I didn't know that. Right? So I pulled the wig and her thing, the bobby pins were going to her scalp. I was pulling it and then blood was coming down into her face. And she was going, what the heck? You know what I mean? Because maybe I was trying to get a response out of her. How did you not know? I don't know. Like, talk to me. Like that. And blood was coming down her face. She went crazy on me. You know what I mean? Yeah, dude. You're causing her to fucking, her skull is impacted with bobby pins. So then one day I just went to

you know, another friend that's on the show. What's up? What's up? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? And she goes, in college, she was in college and she found out that she got a call that her dad killed her mom and then he killed himself. Oh my God. So that ever since then, you know, I'd see her eating by herself. I would just sit with the other people. So fucked. Yeah. Daddy, I love you. Wow. Have you worked with crazy people?

Not – well, yes. Yes. Yeah. Crazy as in like they're mean. They're very, very mean. Yeah. And I don't – you know, look. How about this? How about this? I've worked with people and I've talked about it before. I've worked with people on shows where they – their acting and their process tends to be very heavy and it drains the room and it makes you feel kind of uncomfortable that you're like, am I just –

I'll tell you the number one person for me. I'll say the name. I'll go fuck. Okay. Brooke Shields. Really? Brooke Shields. I said it. Is what mean? I fucking hate her. Bing, bing, bing.

I fucking hate her, dude. Wait, why? Fucking hate her, dude. What did she do, dude? Dude, I fucking hate you. Hey, Brooke Shields, what you do, dude? Dude, I hate you. What did she do? So, and I'm going to expose all kinds of people right now because this story, I've always kind of held in my heart. Yeah. But fuck it. I'm going to fuck. What did she do? I'll tell you what she did. I'll tell you what they did.

So I'm on MADtv, right? Yeah. And so I get a call from Fox Television. They go, hey, we want you on this other show. What was the other show? It was called New Car Smell. What? God, that's a shitty idea. Right. It's got that new car smell. Right, so it's— Let me guess. It's a sitcom about car salesmen. Yes. Yeah. Okay, it's called New Car Smell. Bad pitch. And Brooke Shields is the star. Okay. Okay.

And so then I get a call going, you know, us as a network, we want you on the show. But the showrunners don't want you on the show. Why? Because they want Geddy Wananabe. You know who that is? Yes. He was Long Duck Dong from Sixteen Candles. Yeah, yes. So then I just call. Is he alive? Yeah, Geddy's alive. Okay. And I go, I was a kid. I was, what, 28 years old? Yeah. So I go...

Yeah, I don't want to do it then. And they're like, it's a lot of money. It's a network prime time. You're on a late night Saturday show that no one watches. You know what I mean? Come on, we want you. So I go, who else is in it? And they go, a couple of names. Dave Attell. Huge. Right? And then it was, you know who else had a couple, a guest star was Jimmy Schubert. I love Jimmy Schubert. So I love Jimmy. So I go, yeah, I'll do it then.

But then – so it's the Cullen brothers are the showrunners. The Cullen brothers? Yeah, so Rob Cullen. Rob Cullen used to hang out with Dice. And Dice, me, and Rob Cullen went to Vegas one time when I was a kid. I was 25. And Dice lost hundreds of thousands of dollars. Dude, I've heard he loves gambling. Yeah. So Dice took me – he used to call me Ching. Ching.

Hey, Ching, come over here. So I was working the back door, and he goes, Hey, Ching, me and Rob Cullen are going to go to Vegas. Get in the fucking car. I'm working the back door. They want to drive to Vegas? No. Oh. I'm wearing a Comedy Store t-shirt, and I have no money. And I go, what? I'm working. No, I talked to the manager.

So I literally, no money, no clothes, just got in a car with them and drove to LAX. To go to Vegas. Yes. What? Yeah. You, Dyson, Cullen. Me, Dyson, this guy, Rob Cullen. Okay. So we go to Vegas and we're sitting at the blackjack, the high end ones. And Dyson would fucking throw down $10,000 hands.

$10,000 hands. Yeah. He was making that kind of money? He was a multi-multi-millionaire. I know, but $10,000 hands is insane. Yeah, it was crazy. It was crazy. And I'm sitting there going, and he would lose $50,000. You know what I mean? In 20 minutes. And not care. And not care. And I would just be like sweating. Because he brought me because he thought I was a good luck charm. Right? Chang will bring us luck. Yeah, Chang. He lost a lot of money. Yeah, bad luck charm. And then he goes, you're not good luck.

And the next day, right? So I had that experience with Rob Cullen. But he liked you. Yeah, we're friends. So then now I'm on a show with his brother and him, our show running. And they didn't want me. They wanted Geddy Wananabe. And so I had like two pages of dialogue in it. And David Swimmer was the director from Friends. Oh, really? Yeah. So Swimmer directed it. The swim dog. So every day I would show up, Swimmer would walk up to me and go, Hey, man, they cut a page.

It's your page. Yeah, and I go, okay, so, yeah, it's just this big chunk in the front. So, you know, you're introducing, you know what I mean? You're introducing yourself. Yeah. But it'll be great when the show gets picked up, you know what I mean? They'll give you more lines. So I go, okay. The next day, chunk's gone. Chunk is gone. And I go, what do you mean? Yeah. It's just gone. You have a line. You have a line now. And I go,

What does that mean? Listen, you know, I'm on Friends. I was on Friends. I know how these work. These things work. You're fine. You just want to test. Okay. You know what I mean? But in my head, I'm like. You're fine. I was on Friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does that even mean? I don't know. I was on one of the most successful sitcoms. You're fine. The experience. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're going to be fine. Yeah. Next day, the line's gone. The line's gone. I go, what do I do then? You walk in. You walk in. You walk out.

You don't even say hi? No. You sound like me in Disaster Artist. Right? So I'm on it for like a week and a half or two weeks, a lot. So you're rehearsing every day. Oh, God. Every day gets worse and worse. And now boils.

are forming on my head. What do you mean? Stress boils or something? Gigantic boils are stressed on my head. Yeah. And I was smoking like 15 packs of cigarettes outside. Because you thought you were going to get canned from the show. I didn't know what was going on. I had never been in this situation before. Right. It was so uncomfortable. But then, like, I thought, you know, Brooke Shields is the star. So I remember walking right up to her one morning, and she's at, like, craft service. I look her right in the eyes. I go, good morning. Good morning.

And she just kind of looks at me and walks away. That's why you hate Brooke Shields? Yeah.

That's such a stretch. No. You said good morning and she just walked. She didn't talk to me all. What if she didn't hear you? No, no, it's not that. Or see you. She's taller than you, isn't she? The scene that I'm walking in and out of. She's probably 5'10". The scene I'm walking in and out of. Yeah. I'm obviously there on set rehearsing, right? How tall is Brooke Shields? Rudy, will you look that up? How tall is Brooke Shields? Right. I'm obviously right. Yeah. And she won't even lock eyes with me. You don't think I fucking know when somebody doesn't like me?

It's not that. It is that. What if she didn't? No, it's this. She knew I was on my way out. So she didn't need to. She wrote you off. Yeah, she didn't need to make that connection.

Right. But here's the answer to everyone's question. I'm still here. You're still Papa still here. I'm still here. Right. And it's like, I think I deserve a little bit of an amends from the Cullen brothers. I don't think she did that on purpose. How tall is she? Six. She's six feet. Six foot. She's six feet tall. Let's just say she was in heels that day.

No, every game for two weeks? Come on, man. But you're so low to the earth. How do you know she... All right. She could see right over you. And she hears this little voice. No one said hi to Peter Dinklage on fucking Game of Thrones. Did you not hear that story? The first day he showed up, they didn't even know he was there. He acted a whole day. They didn't even know he was there. Yeah, that's so fucking funny. That's so funny. Don't say fuck Brooke Shields because of that. That's such a small... That's not even a real thing. No, because... She didn't say like, you suck or fuck you. Listen, listen.

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I get a phone call that they're like, they're doing a read a funnier die and they need you to read for this movie. It's called the house. Something. Will Ferrell. And it's the gambling, the game, you know, they had a gambling movie, the casino movie with Amy Poehler. Exactly. Yeah. I get amped. They're like, they love you. They don't even need that. You're, they're just going to have this role for you as this like, um, dude that comes in, pretends to be a cop, but he's really just like a fuck up looking to steal, steal stuff. I go to funnier die.

Dude, I'm so good in a room that I'm when I have confidence that I'm like, I'm going to be fine. You know what I mean? Like, I never go in shook. I'm never like nervous. I'm always like, I'm going to be fine. What the fuck? Dude, who cares? I've done a million table reads.

I get in there. You did a table read, not an audition. No, no. We were reading. They already were giving me the part. Oh, so you're now a table read. Yeah, because they said they didn't have time to cast. They had to shoot the movie. So they were like, we're just going to give. They're like, we have a role for you. You can have it. You have to come to the read, though, and you have to read. Oh, my God. They go, you have to read the role, and you have to read two other roles. Oh, my. Don't you hate when they do that, by the way? I don't want to. Yeah, I don't know how to do the other one. You show up. You show up. You worked on the lines that you're playing. I know these roles. And then when you show up, you see in the front page, cop.

You know what I mean? Passenger number one. Mailman. And yeah. And then you go, I have to read these. And then you have to do a different voice. And first take. You've never done it before. You've never done it before. And there's someone in a production assistant comes up to you and goes, we've highlighted a couple of their characters. And you're like, oh my God. So I'm like this. I'm thumbing through them trying to find where the characters are. Because by the way, if you mess up the rhythm of the room, you look like an asshole. Right? So here I am. I'm going, Will Ferrell's right there. Amy's across the table. Um,

Kroll is there. Nick Kroll. Yeah, Nick's like the only guy that I like no-no in the room. Right, right. And Nick's like, what's up, man? I'm like, hey, what's up? So that made me feel comfortable. Yeah, yeah. Great guy, by the way. Yeah, love Nick. I get to my line that I know. Yeah, yeah. And I fuck it up. And I fuck it up so bad. Why? Because— You got nervous? Yes. I know you get intimidated. Because Will Ferrell looked over at me when I was going to read my line. Oh!

As if to say like, oh, I don't know this guy. Let's see if he's funny. Dude, I ate such a massive, thick, veiny penis. Did you blush? Can you get more red than this? Oh my God, yeah. No, I was so embarrassed. Dude, let's just say the line. And it was quick. They got to be outside behind. They have to be outside because I just climbed through the roof. It was something like that. People were on the run. But now tell me how you said it. They have to be outside if there's a roof. Hey. Hey.

Everybody just kept going like it didn't happen because they were like, Jesus fucking Christ. They just kept reading. Yeah. And nobody looked up. Nobody looked up at me. No one looked up at me to be like, it's okay, it's okay, you fucked up. No, they kept going. I'm getting PTSD. What do you think I did for the other lines? I fucked him up! Ha ha!

I fucked up every fucking line. Yeah, yeah. I swear to God, I'm not exaggerating. Every fucking line. And here's the thing. For me, and especially for the other ones. You're literally reading it. I'm reading it. I can't read. You're literally reading it. Can't read.

I can't fucking breathe. I've been there. You get so nervous that the lines become blurred. Let me do this. On the way out, this is the face. You're me, and I'm Will Ferrell. Ready? So say goodbye. Everyone says goodbye. And you're me, and you say thanks a lot. Just say thanks a lot to me. And you're Will Ferrell. Yeah, go ahead. Hey, thanks a lot. That's what he did. He breathed in and looked away. And by the way,

Every right. Will is right. Will was right. He breathed in and looked away as if to say... You should kill yourself. Yeah. You should have killed yourself. It's on the eighth floor. Jump out. Jump out of the window. How are you still alive? What do you think happened the next day? You got the part. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Hello. Hey, what's up, man? It's your agent. Hey. It's your agent. Hey, what's up? Yeah, I think they're going to slice up some stuff and move some stuff around. So...

We got you some stuff later this week, some auditions. I was like, oh, they're going to cut it? He's like, yeah, they're going to cut it. They cut the whole roll. But you know what? I thought for a second, I thought, they're just going to give it to somebody else. I lost. I fucked it up. They did cut the roll. But that being said. But do you know why they cut the roll? Because I fucked it up. Because you fucked it up. Yeah, because I fucked it up. They're like, this part is not well written. Shouldn't be in here. Yeah.

And by the way, it wasn't the writing. Because an actor can't even fucking do it. It wasn't the writing. Yeah. It was every inch of me. It was me. I literally, on the way home, I'm like ready to throw up in my car. And I'm like, oh, they're never going to work with me. Like these people are going to be like, that guy sucks. You know what I mean? And guess what? Never worked with any of those people.

They think I suck. I was like, they think I fucking suck because I shit in the bed. Was Amy Fuller in the room? Yeah, Amy was there. Oh my, yeah. Sitting right across from me. Oh yeah. She was sitting right across. You're Will Ferrell, that's Amy. Nick is over there. Nick said goodbye because Nick is a good dude and Nick knows me and he was like, later man, take it easy. Like he was very nice but I'm sure he on the way home was like, what the fuck was that? When I was on Spilling Up Together. Mm-hmm.

So this is, you know, the actors are on one side, right? Yeah. But for some reason, they had the executives just literally on the other side of a table like this. Mm-hmm. Right? Like two feet long. Right, two feet long, right? Bobby? So you sit down like this. So, you know, you have like a name card, right? Yeah, they put your- So my name card goes Bobby Lee Arthur, who's who I play at the end, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we remember. Then there was a name card here, Peter Roth, president of Warner Brothers. Peter Roth was sitting across from you? Yeah.

He'd come in like this. I could see his fingernails right here, right? Hands like this, right? Peter? And it was, dude, you lock eyes with him. Bobby, how was your weekend? Like, you can't even speak English. And then one time, Oliver laughed at me. He came in for a hug and I went like this.

Right. Like you blocked him? No, I wanted to do like a hand thing, this. Like, right? But he came like this. So I went right to the center of his chest. To his sternum? Yes, to his sternum. And he goes, oh, like that. He made that noise. And then later we had dinner and Oliver was laughing that I did that. Like making fun of you? I was just trying to, you know what I mean? Yeah. So it's like all those little tiny things. They matter. They matter. Yeah, because we look like idiots. They matter. I know, it's so stupid. Why do they matter?

You don't mean it. I want to do the right thing. You want to be funny. Yeah, yeah. Can I tell you that you know who showed up people more than I've ever seen in my life? He's a cool dude. This is not me talking shit, but Bill Bellamy. I did a pilot with Bill Bellamy. Oh, yeah, yeah. So a friend of mine wrote a pilot for Bill about his real life, which is his mom got a divorce and then later in life started dating ex-NFL players. So all of his stepdads were like these big jacked ex-NFL players. Yeah. And Bill Bellamy was supposed to play my friend that wrote it.

So Bill Bellamy on the first day where I, dude, I sit down at this table and this is not on me. I'm making him laugh because I'm mocking his two friends. I'm supposed to be, it's supposed to be three black dudes in this white nerd from the neighborhood. Yeah. Who's like the dork that they just like to play cards because they feel bad for me. Yeah. So I was doing this character where they would say something. I'd be like, I hear that bro. Holler, you know? And Bill was loving it. Yeah. And dude, in between scenes,

He literally is like, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. And he's like, will you grab me? Are you getting a coffee? Will you get me a coffee? And I was like, yeah, I'm going to go get something. He's like, yeah, yeah. Will you get me one too? And I was like, yeah, for sure. So I go get a coffee. And on the way back, he's like berating them.

behind my back to his mind, but in a positive me way. He was like, man, y'all better step the fuck up. Y'all are regulars on this show, and this motherfucker is funnier than both of y'all motherfuckers. You want to lose your job? You want to lose your motherfucking job? Dude, it was... He doesn't know I see him. And he's like, yeah, y'all ain't funny. That bullshit that you said, but that shit wasn't funny at all, motherfucker. Why would you say that to your co-stars? He was lighting them up. Well, because they're friends. He was his friend. It doesn't matter.

Dude, he was checking him. And he started laughing. He wasn't being like as mean as I'm making it. He was just being like, y'all are garbage. He's going to take your role, bro. You are trying to say some dumb shit. Then when I sit back down, he's like, thank you, bro.

These two guys fucking hate. I mean, now they're like, fuck this dude. Yeah, because I was funny. Like I was all I was doing was slinging bullshit lines. And I was a day player. Old saying, never outshine your master. Oh, well, bro, I didn't. Bill was Bill was it's his scene. It's his show. But these two guys, I'm just trying to have fun with them. But that's what that's why he did that. I know. Because you outshined him. I know it was bad.

You outshine him. You never outshine your master. We tuned it down big time. We've tuned it down. Like I just took it back. Yeah. And then they would take heavy shots.

Slink Johnson, do you know who that is who played? I love Slink. Yeah, he was one. Great guy. He was in that scene with us. Yeah. Slink started just shitting on me. I mean, and it was funny. Yeah. But he was sick of it. He was like, you ain't going to be funnier than me. So Slink was the whole time. And we started, we got a friend. When was this? It was a pilot for CBS. It was four years ago. Oh, four years ago. I don't even know. Four or five years ago. Yeah. How many pilots have you done?

I don't know, six maybe, seven? I have no idea. I mean, I did the worst pilot of all time. I did How I Met Your Father, the spinoff to How I Met Your Mother. I've talked about that. Oh, I did Problem Child. Do you hear what I said, though? Yeah. One of the most successful sitcoms of all time, How I Met Your Mother. Yeah. I did How I Met Your Father. That would have been great. Oh. It must have been great. Oh, it was so bad. The network, they don't let people see it.

I had to sign an NDA when I went and watched it at the network that I wouldn't talk about scenes, characters, anything. Nothing. It was that bad. Who else was in it? Well, Greta Gerwig was going to be the star. Oh. And she wrote it. She co-wrote it with Emily Spivey, who's a great writer. I've told this story. Maybe not say the name. No, no, no. That was public knowledge. Yeah, but they did a good job. No, they did do a good job. What I'm saying is there was no – we didn't work. It didn't work. It's like I – me and Drew Tarver were boyfriends.

And that was the other thing, man. They wouldn't let us kiss. They didn't want us to kiss. And Drew was like, well, you know, because we went in to like do a kiss one time. Like he was just going to kiss me on my cheek. Yeah. And the network was like, I think the kissing is a little much. Yeah. You know, they didn't want us to show affection. So how do I? This is my boy. This is my boyfriend. Otherwise, it just looks like two guys. Have you ever worked with anybody that was so good that you're like, I think I'm going to quit?

My whole career. Almost everybody I've worked with. I did that show, Sean Saves the World. Oh, I love. I did that show. I played his boyfriend. We had a kissing scene when you brought that up. Yeah, you thought about gay kissing. What's his name, Sean? He's on Will & Grace.

Sean Hayes. Yeah. I didn't know much about him. I used to live in his apartment. Really? That was the first thing the landlord said. And when I watched him do it, like rehearsal, I literally went, oh, I'm in the wrong business. This guy is so good. So you're a pro and I'm a ho. Yeah, because what people don't realize is that I signed up with a bunch of homeless people.

To be honest. And crazy street people. Yeah. To do amateur night at comedy clubs. Yeah, same. That's us. Have you ever done – when you first start off, you're with a guy in a green suit. Yeah. Right? Like who's that guy, that Robert William Aprevaya? You know him? Mm-hmm. So a homeless man, crazy person. Who's going to the same audition you are. Right. Right. And then you're like – or some other homeless person. And then you're like –

For years, that's your school. Right. Yeah. Right. You're performing with mentally disabled people and people with problems. Yes. And then all of a sudden one day you get an opening job for somebody or you start featuring and you go, oh, it's a little better. But that's pretty much –

That's your training. And then you end up like with – then you're on a show. With a professional. Watching people that can sing and dance and tap dance. And you're like, I could fart into a mic and not make the mic smelly. Or that's my talent or whatever. You know what I mean? You don't have – So Sean was so good. Oh, my god. He's so good. Yeah, he's like shocking to watch. Yeah, he memorizes lines during rehearsals. He knows it. I'm going to mispronounce his name, so I don't want to say it. But Oba – That's it. Fuck. You got to know –

No, but the best actor I think I've ever worked with was on I'm Dying Up Here. And I don't I don't want to say mispronounce his last name, so I don't want to sound like an idiot. Baba Tunde. Baba Tunde. Do you know him? Baba Tunde. Dude, this guy is. Let me look.

Oh, yeah, that guy. I've seen him before. He's great. I mean, his face is like, don't fuck around. Don't fuck around. He's so good. He was so fucking good at playing this smooth, slick club owner that there were times when we were done with the scene, his name was Barton Royce or whatever on the show, that I thought it was club owner Barton Royce. In my mind, I was like, oh, that's Barton Royce. Because he would walk up, and he would still kind of be in his vibe. Yeah. And he'd be getting coffee. He's like, what's going on, kid? Yeah.

Really? I feel like I was in a fucking light movie with that guy. He was one of those guys where you watch him and you go, oh, he just is better than everybody. And he knows it. There's no way they don't know it. Those guys fucking know. I love those evergreen...

Those evergreen working actors that have been around since the 70s. Sometimes you're on a set, right? With guys you grew up watching. Rick Overton was on our show. I love Overton. He's phenomenal. Yeah, he's a fucking legend. Guys like that where you're like, oh, you've been good your whole life. Yeah, and you just kind of go, what am I doing here? What am I doing here? Why did you guys say yes to me? Yeah, it's crazy. Speaking of people that are good their whole life, let's talk about the DL thing.

D.L. Hewley collapsed on stage. By the way, a great comic who I've always thought was kind of in a class of his own. Like when Pablo passed out on stage? That was from drugs. I understand that. He fell because of drugs. I understand that. But they did both fall. Yeah, but D.L. was sick. It doesn't matter. They both fell. Okay, same story. I'm just saying when you see a fall. Yeah, when you watch it happen. Yeah, because they always happen in clubs that I play.

That's funny. That's so true. Right? So you know exactly what that room is. Yeah. Right? Where was Pablo's fall? Sacramento Punchline. Oh, yeah. Sack. That's right. So I played sack thousands of times. Right? And go, oh, my God. I remember that little. I know. That table. That table where he almost cracked his skull in. Where did DL fall? Zany's. Zany's. That's right. Yeah. And I played that room as well. God, that's insane. It's insane. So he's on stage and he's sitting down.

Is that what it was? Yeah, I think he's sitting there. Okay. So already in your head, because I've never seen DL sit before, that could have been a clue. Because did you see how fast his manager and his people got to save him? Well, I mean, yeah. Because they knew that he was sitting there. So he must have been like, hey, man, Ty.

I don't feel good. I don't feel good. I've had that before. I don't feel good in the middle of stage. So he's sitting there, and so people were kind of attentive. Let me try to find it. Go ahead. Keep talking. And then he falls over, and you hear the gasp. Yeah. And you probably have some audience members going, do I get my money back?

You saw a couple of those. Yeah, well, that's the first thing they want to think of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do I get my money back? Hey, is there any way that I could get paid in return for this? Because I didn't want to see him fall. Yeah. The opening act was very funny, though. Yeah. Have you ever passed out on stage? No, I have never. Here's the video. Hold on one second. I've been choked out on stage.

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Come on, Bob. Well, you can go. One of eight people can go. Go to golfcritique.com. Get your ass signed up. Use the promo code BADFRIENDS at checkout. Receive 15% off of the premium membership at $4 a month. It's pretty good. You can win 25 Gs. Golfcritique.com. Use promo code BADFRIENDS. Wow. That video is so creepy. It's so ominous. Yeah. Right? To watch him. Look at him. His buddy is waiting for him because he can tell he's wobbly.

I got you. Oh, my God. It'd be funny if he regains consciousness, stands back up and goes, bitch. Bitch, got it. You know what I mean? I guess it was a joke. I got you. I almost passed out. I almost passed out on stage when I first auditioned for Last Comic Standing. Really? Yeah, my feet tingled. How'd you audition for that? I was brand new. It was my second year doing comedy. I drove to San Francisco with my friend...

with my buddy and we drove and we waited out like we camped. You know, can I tell you something? Yeah, yeah. That was one of those moments in comedy where like...

You're like, fuck, man, it sucked, but I'll never forget those moments. We slept outside together. We told stories all night. Everyone was coming up and down. People we never met before were like, where'd you guys come from? Where'd you come from? To audition? Oh, my God. It was like one of those things. I mean, I ate shit. And also, I remember those early things for me. I would get really worked up for them. Oh, my fucking God. It was so nerve-wracking. All night long thinking about what I was going to say. Yeah. So did you get it? Yeah, I got it. I won the show. I'm dad fan.

I'm dad fan. Oh, it was the first season? I'm dad fan. I did a show called Friday Night Videos and I was in San Diego. I was an open mic-er and I got it because my manager hooked it up for me. I used to have this really...

This older black guy named Worthy Patterson. What a name. I see him in my head right now. Yeah. A big, heavy-set guy? No, skinny. Okay, let me take it back. I got it. Skinny guy. Yeah, yeah. Hats? And it's so funny because I remember – the reason why I left Worthy – they used to call him Worthless.

Worthless Patterson. Yeah, yeah. They used to call him Worthless Patterson. Because he got no gigs for you? He's a great manager. And he really... He... You know, I was such a... So green. Sure. That I just... I blessed the guy. I love him. Yeah, because those guys took a shot in you before you were any. He's a great guy. I still run into him today. Oh, really? And he works for a big management company. He has a bunch of clients. He's great. I thought for sure you were going to be like... No. He's at the Panda Express on Sunset. No, he's a great guy. He does scoops. Big scoops. So, but... Worthy...

got me this gig. So I drove from San Diego early because I had to be there at like 2. I left San Diego at 4 in the morning and I drove to Burbank and I sat in my I had this junky fucking truck

And I remember there was a little park in Burbank there, right by where The Tonight Show was. Oh, yeah. There's a couple little parks. And I was just pacing my act. All night long. Yeah, until like six in the morning until two. Damn.

I had no food, money, or anything. No, of course not. Starving. Yeah. And just doing my act. Smoking, doing my act. You know what I mean? The ninja, the ninja, the ninja crossed the road. You know what I mean? And all these bits. You know what I mean? Masturbate alone. You know what I mean? These bits. You know what I mean? Grab your own ass when you masturbate. That's why I'm lonely. Or whatever. You know, these bits that I used to do. Yeah. You still do those. I've heard all those. Just a couple years ago, I've heard all those.

Stop it. Anyway, I show up. No, you said your dad. What about your dad? My dad, you know, you're not funny, Bobby. All those bits. Knock, knock. Who's there? You're not funny. All that stuff. Right, right. And I remember being... I still love those. I don't do that fucking joke anymore. I still love that joke. Fuck face. I'm just saying I love it. So then I remember backstage and...

Just ready to go and then going and then hitting the stage. And I'd only did comedy 60 times. Oh, you were so new. Yeah. 60 or 70 times. Your first year into the gig? Yeah. And I remember the lights coming on and there's an audience and just nothing came out.

Just nothing. Just nothing. I need you, dad. And then I pulled my stomach out. Yeah. And I started doing this weird stomach thing. Because, you know, your survival. Yeah, you just kick in. Yeah, and I would go, beep, beep. Like, grab my penis and go like that. Yes. And then, like, make noises. What the fuck is that? Yeah, just anything. Because my jokes weren't working. And do, like, bird thing. Right? And do whatever. And then afterwards, where are they coming from? Yeah, man, they're not going to pay you.

What? They're not going to air it. They're not going to pay you or they're not going to air it. Then you didn't get paid? No. What was that? NBC? NBC, yeah. Fuck. Let's go get that money. But then what's funny is I go to Worthy like five months later. I had no money and I go, hey, can I get a commercial agent? And he goes, yeah, man, you're never going to work. They're not going to.

You watch television? You don't see no Asian guys on television? Is that what he said? Yeah, yeah. You don't see Asian guys on no El Pollo Loco? Zulu. Right. Back then? No. Yeah, Zulu. So then I fired him and I went with Abby, my manager now. Yeah, yeah. And then she got me an agent and I booked 20 national commercials in one year. Wow. That's insane. I did El Pollo Loco. I did one of them.

This is how fucking – this is how hungry I was. I would call my agent and go, whatever. Even if it's the polar opposite of me, send me in. So one of them he goes – Six-foot-eight black guy. Yeah, yeah. No, one of them was – so they're looking for a Brad Pitt-looking guy. You. Log cabin. You're chopping wood. You. Right? And you're wearing a turtleneck. It's for Maxwell House. Yes.

How could that not be you? Right. So I go, send me in. So I show up and it's all these guys that look like Brad Pitt in turtlenecks. Real good looking dudes. I'm wearing this. Yeah. And your belly's showing. My belly's showing. I'm wearing this, right? Because I knew that in those kind of commercial auditions, there's no line. You're just drinking coffee on a porch, chopping wood and just doing that, right? So in those commercials, what do they do is they ask you how your day was.

They just want to talk to you. Right. So they turn the camera on. They go, slate your name. You go, I'm Bobby. Profiles. You do the profiles. So what were you doing on Halloween? As soon as they ask me, you just go into this bit. You have to. You just make them laugh. Right. And then next year, you know, you get a call. All right. So it's down to you and four other Brad Pitts. Because they love you. So then you get called in with everyone in the room. Right. And then ask me a question. They ask you a different question. I don't give a fuck. I got it.

Right? Make them to laugh. Right? Beep, beep. And do a funny dance. Right? And the next thing you know, you're on a porch. You get it. You're on a porch with a turtleneck.

I did a muscle-up because I remember drinking the coffee, chopping wood. I never chopped wood before. And they just want it to be funny. No, they just – they go – they go, why can't it be a fat Asian guy? Yeah, why not? Fat Asian guys like coffee. They like wood. They like wooden coffee. They like wooden coffee. And I would get a lot of those when I went, you know, just send me in where all the white dudes are being sent. Yeah. Don't give me the Ching Chong-y ones. Yeah, those were for me. Yeah.

Those I liked. Yeah. Anyway, I don't know if that's interesting, but probably not. Yes, it is. It's not. Yes, it is. What are you looking at? All your texts. Eric Griffin keeps texting me. What did he say? He always just says, oh boy, low bar, something, something. He's too much. I love him. No, we do. Well, we like him. I don't know if we love him, but we like him. Call me back. Okay. You know, I know you don't like talking about Karen's.

I don't, it's just we've talked a lot about Karens. I know, but every week there's a new Karen and they're more evolved. They're more evolved. They have different fucking swords. They're changing shape. Yeah. What's the new Karen? This is the new, I call her the Sorcerer San Francisco Karen. San Francisco Karen? She's like a sorcerer. What's her name? She's mythical. You know her name. Just put San Francisco Karen. It'll come up.

You know what's so funny about this lady? Yeah. When I saw this video for the first time, Lisa Alexander apologizes for Karen-like confrontation. Yeah. When I saw this woman— I just need to talk about it for a second. When I saw this woman, I literally said out loud, San Francisco. I said it right away. Yeah, you could tell. I could feel it. She has that— It's got that San Francisco vibe. Yeah. So talk about—or this is it right here. Are you sure that's it? Yeah, this is him. A white couple called the police on me, a person of color for— Let me just do a backdrop. So this older Filipino man—

Who owns the property of his house. He owns his house. He owns the property of his house. Is this your property? Here she says, is this your property? Look at that. There's the sorcerer. That should be the... She's a Salem witch right there. San Francisco tree. That should be the fucking commercial for that. Let's play the clip and let's talk about it. All right.

They're going to smile. Oh, my God. OK. Sure. Oh.

This is not the way to do it. Okay. It's private property. But if I did live here and it wasn't my property, this would be absolutely fine. Let's get to her in frame here a little bit more. Okay, but now let me tell you something. Let me just pause right here. Now, if this is happening to me. Outside of your place right now? Yeah, if I'm this guy, this is what I'm feeling. Right. Give me yes. Yes.

This is what I want in life. Yeah, this is turning you on, right? I would be so turned on because I would play it exactly the way he's playing it. Right, where he never said it was his property even though it was. He kept going, what does it matter? No, you have to fucking throw out your fishing. Yeah, you can tell he keeps fishing now. This guy's a brilliant man. If it was my property, this would be absolutely fine. Yeah.

And you don't know if I live here or if this is my property. Perfect point. Oh, really? Because you live here, right? You said so. Because we know the person who does live here. Oh, so there we go. Lie number one. Now, if that was me, a thing would turn in my head, like a little noise. Bing, bing. Right? Lie.

And it would make me more excited. Because he knows. Because now, you know what I mean? Well, this is his chance to go, what are their names? I thought he was going to be like, who does live here? Yes. Because I thought, I think I know them. Do we know the same people? Yeah, yeah. And he should have just said his name, right? If he just was like, oh, is it Marcus and Jan? Do they live here? That's fucking me. Okay. Then I suggest you call him or call the police. Because you're accusing me of a crime, correct?

What I'm asking you is why are you... So she realizes here, fuck, I'm not fucked up. Well, she does call him. I know, but you can feel her right now in her voice go, I'm asking you. She knows. Here's what drives me crazy. Yeah, you love Karen stuff. Is the assumption that this guy doesn't own the fucking place. Right. Right? Because to me...

If I see a guy painting on a wall or whatever, my assumption is that, A, if it's not my fucking wall, it's none of my fucking business. Yeah, in fact, if I ever see anybody painting anything on something, I don't care. I don't care. I don't give a fuck. Even when like Cholo's do, you know what I mean? What, are you going to go ask them what they're doing? What are you sparrows up to? Yeah, you spray too.

I know! Yeah, fucking what are you, nuts? Mind your own fucking, keep moving. The worst thing that can happen is if someone is fucking, like, let's say someone's just graffitiing on a building and you go, hey, don't do that. Now they're going to beat the shit out of you. Mind your own business. Survive. I'm not answering you. Okay, that's fair. Yeah. That's fair. So your choices are to call the cops. I love it. If you believe I'm calling a crime, and I will more than be happy to talk to them.

What's your name again? I'm Lisa. Lisa, what's your last name? What is your name? What's your name? I asked first, Lisa. What's your name, sir? What's your last name, sir? I'm nervous. I'm sorry. He's backing up a little bit. He goes like this. He goes, Robbie.

Robbie. Robbie. And now he's like... What's your name? Robbie. Let's hear what... I think his name... I think he said Robbie. It's just the way he backs up is great. What's your name, sir? Robbie. What's your last name, sir? What is your first name, sir? I'm not answering. I'm not talking to you. You're talking to me. I'm asking you the questions. That's another right... The right move. Asking them the question. Yeah, that's what you're saying. He's doing the... He's doing the right move. He's going, I'm asking you. Because basically, I'm just going to translate to you people, all right? Basically, he's saying... You people...

To you. Okay. Basically what he's saying is that I am just doing what I'm doing, right? Yeah.

I don't know you. Yeah. Why are you leaving? Why are you bothering me? You're in my shit. Yeah. Right? So I don't have to do shit. Right. That's basically the translation. By the way, it should be known. This is sidewalk chalk. And there are people, right, online, because I've been obsessed with this. Yeah. I have read a guy goes, well, why don't you just say your name and just say you own the property and let it go? That's people's fucking thing. I know. No. Because-

anything time out well you're no because he doesn't have to why are you bothering me you're you're they're coming to him he's not doing imagine if i'm on my front lawn oh my god and i'm just trimming something and some guy goes is that your lawn do you live on that lawn is this your house it's the assumption they're assuming he doesn't live there it's the assumption that it's very obvious it's very obvious when people say why wouldn't you just say your name because why are you bothering me okay now go keep going

This is what freaks me out about the video. Really? Oh, okay. Well then, call the cops. Lisa and Robert. I'll be right here. Okay, thank you. Bye. Wait, you forgot the moment where she puts her... What happened to the... Her finger on her... The finger on her... When did she do that? She's touching her chest. No, she does a thing where she does this. I didn't know. I didn't see it. We played the whole clip. Yeah, I think you passed through it. No. Keep playing.

Why are you asking? I think when you zoomed in, I'll just keep it clear. Okay. Sure. Oh, they cut away. Why? I don't know. Hold on. Okay.

It's private property. But if I did live here and it was my property, this would be absolutely fine. And you don't know if I live here or if this is my property. There is... Pause it there. That's... Okay. Pause it there. So... So, I imagine... Can this be my background from my fucking computer? I imagine, right? For somebody, I imagine having sex with her. And she just goes... And when you're coming...

She does that. Oh, my God. If that happened when you were having sex with somebody like that...

It would be burned into your fucking psyche forever. While you're having sex, she goes, this is private property. This is fucking sorcery right there. Look at her. You know, this is what's funny about San Francisco. And also, I'm going to talk a little shit about San Francisco. I like that city. I like performing there. Okay? But I got to tell you, every time I go, I go up the Visadero or whatever that's called, Elephant Heights or whatever the fuck. You look at the amount of fucking wealth there, it's sickening.

It's you're like these fucking rich fucks could save the world. San Francisco is this like liberal island where they're like, we were the most progressive. Yeah. Meanwhile, there's a house worth 50 million fucking dollars. Too young to know what I'm talking about here. OK, don't do that. I know who Cat Stevens is, dad.

You're too young to experience this. I hate when people say that, but go ahead. Okay. Yeah, go ahead. Is that I've been playing the San Francisco Punchline since the late 90s. Yeah, I know. I wasn't born yet. Go ahead. And the difference between the audiences now and then, night and day. In what way? When you played San Francisco, you couldn't sleep because you couldn't wait. Because the audiences were so wild. Right. Right.

you would see a lot of different colors. A lot of different kinds of people. Different kinds of people. Like beatniks, hippies. But not only just beatniks, but also just like every type of person. But what it was is they're enjoying it and you could say whatever you want and they would stand up and it would be, you would crush harder than in any other room. Can I tell you? And now...

It's like doing a fucking EA convention. I'm going to completely combat what you just said. No way.

I just played last year. I just played up there at Cobbs. I literally said to my agent, I cannot believe how free it was. In my mind, I thought, fuck, San Francisco has always kind of been this tight place the last couple of years. The Pacific Northwest has this thing. No, dude, San Francisco was fucking incredible. Now, granted, I'm sure a lot of those people didn't live on the island.

They weren't a bunch. You play Cobbs? I play both of them. But Molly wouldn't let me play Punch because of what happened because of the fucking, you know, the lease. And they couldn't. The contracts had to change for everybody. So she was like, do you want to sell more tickets or not? I said, I don't want to play Cobbs. I don't want that big room. I like the small Punch. And she goes, do you want to sell tickets or not? And I said, okay. So I went over there and I sold out four shows at Cobbs. So it was well worth it. And I got to tell you, every fucking audience was.

Not one. None of that. Maybe I should play Cobbs. It was fucking awesome. I used to think that. I was nervous about the Northwest being like, what if they don't like that I do a question about... No. Because the last time I had to play Cobbs, ask Al Madrigal, I had a nervous breakdown and I collapsed into the kitchen and I took my shirt off and I started crying like a little baby.

And Natasha Legere had to pick me up. Because you were just eating it? No, I did a corporate event at Cobb's for Facebook. Well, dude. And I was last. It was Ian Edwards was there too. And I bombed so badly that I took my shirt off and went to the kitchen of Cobb's. I went into a thing. And then also, so that's the first, the second time at Cobb's before that is where Ken Jeong physically assaulted me. He punched me, tried to punch me in the face. And then Steve Byrne had to,

Separate us. When you guys were on tour together. That's a long story. But he separated us, and I had to get back on a plane and go home. Damn. So I had two bad things happen at Cobb's. This is why. You've got to wipe that away from your brain. It's still there. Gone. Hey, look at me. I need a science seance or something. Okay. It's gone. Don't think about that. That stuff has changed a lot. Trust me. I know what you're saying. I...

So two things. Bobby came over last night. Oh, my God. And we ate dinner together, and we had steaks. And Bobby ordered—I'm going to give Bob's order. There was only three of us, right? Bobby ordered prime rib, two corn on the cobs, artichoke, steamed spinach—I'm sorry, cream spinach, garlic bread, the big order, a cup of clam chowder, right? We had—

We had... And you and your wife had... Filets and onion rings. That's it. And green beans. And salads. And... That's it. No, there's one more thing you ordered that I'm missing. You ate the fucking... You ate the green beans and the steak. Oh, that was mine. That was yours. That's right.

That was my idea. Bobby ordered. And two Diet Cokes. Two Diet Cokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bobby ordered. Everything on the menu. Everything on one side of the menu. And when we were calling, the guy kept going like this. Okay. And then I added. He goes, okay. Oh, and barbecue baked beans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you had barbecue baked beans. That's right. That's right.

And then he started, okay. Okay. And then it started going. How many utensils would you like? 36? Yeah, he couldn't fucking believe. I said, just three people. Yeah. The guy goes, three people? Because I haven't ordered at a restaurant in a very long time. You ordered so much food. It was insane. Did I eat most of it? You ate a lot of it. Yeah, you ate a lot of it. I know I did. The one thing that you do that most people can get over that I can't with eating, you slurp. You slurp. The beans you slurp. It was hard to watch. I love you, but you were, bake beans. Yeah.

And when you dip that steak in the horseradish sauce, my, my, my, my, my, my, too much of sauce. Oh, my God. Yeah. You were like. Yeah. It was. I was astounded at your etiquette.

Yeah, because I eat like a fucking adult. No, you guys sit there like fucking... Like grown-ups. No, like it's, you know, pilgrims. Like fucking little house in the prairie pilgrims. What does that even mean? Upright, upright white people, upright, right? You pick up utensils, right? You lock each other in the eyes, right? And you just, you know what I mean? Like Stepford wives. The whole time we ate, we go like this. We go, is this your private property? Yeah, yeah.

Do you live here? And doing this move. Do you live here? And I eat like a fucking immigrant. You... No. I want to eat when I eat. You eat as if I imagined the original humans ate.

That's fine. But they hunted all day. That's right. And they exercised all day and they finally got food. That's right. And then they had to wait to cook it. And then when they were done, they wouldn't wait. They would just ravage it. Meanwhile, we ordered out, picked it up. You didn't even have to go get it. I had to wait. I had to fucking wait.

And sit in your uncomfortable living room on that uncomfortable couch and just do small talk. What's uncomfortable about it? Oh. What's uncomfortable? Beautiful gray walls. What's uncomfortable about it? Your house looks like a fucking anthropology store.

Okay. Just conks and fucking candle-y and just light and- Light and airy and nice. It's fucking bullshit. It's light and nice. It's fucking bullshit. And I have to sit there and go- You live in a booger cave. You live in a booger cave. Oh. With skin shrapnel all over. What's going on in politics? I don't give a fuck.

I'm going to go fuck about. Look at my backyard. We go in the backyard. I'm like, this is fucking. What is this? How nice is the backyard? Beautiful. Yeah. What do you mean? Beautiful pool. You know what I mean? And I have to pretend. And then what would you like to eat? Come on, white. Let's fucking do it. Let's eat now. Now this is you just being racist. I'm not being racist.

So I had to wait. You just don't like whites. No, I had to wait. You just don't like whites. Don't yell, dude. You act silly. You don't like whites. No, I'm just saying I had to wait and pretend that I cared about it. Because you wish you had a video game controller. And I had to sit there and eat there and then be. And now I'm not going to ever do it again because now you're making fun of the way I eat. No, I wasn't making fun of the way you eat. The slurping and the slurping. Two things. One, when you left, you literally said,

Hey, I really enjoyed this and I do want to do it again. Didn't you? And then you got in your car and you had a cigarette and you and you and then I called you and we had a conversation and you really did enjoy it. And I said, you know what? I'd never done it before. So, yeah, I enjoyed it. It was different. It was different. And I asked, why can't Rudy Rudy come? But you didn't want to. Was she on? Is she in trouble? Rudy doesn't like you.

Look at that face. That calls out bullshit. Rudy doesn't like you that much. Do you not like me that much? Would you not come over and I would have a good dinner for you? You don't want to come over, huh? She's paranoid because even on the way over here, I joke, can I get some coffee? I'll tell Auntie Kalilah that you do it.

I'll tell on Auntie Kalilah. We have GPS in the car. We'll know. She'll know. It's like she's a fucking... And you know, all these people on the internet go, you got to be nicer to Rudy. She has to be nicer to me. You do take a lot of abuse from Rudy. I get abuse from her and Kalilah all the fucking time. I'm tired of it. You guys boss him around a lot. I'm going to tell you another fucking bullshit thing she did. Here we go.

So I go to Gold Belly. And I haven't told you how mad I am about this. What's Gold Belly? Gold Belly is an app online, and you can order food from all over the country. Oh, now I want to see it. Gold Belly. It's an app online, and you can get delicious – they have recommended things, so I get my Lou Malnati's from there. I get different pizzas from there. Love. I get barbecue. But I also get this –

I get chicken pot pies and beef pies from a company out of New York. I love chicken pot pie. All right. What's it called? So we can rep it. I'll show you. I have to go in my gold belly real quick. Are you a pot pie person?

She doesn't like it. I've never tried. She doesn't like it. You know how pot pies, you eat pot pies and it's so hot that even when you're done, it's still hot? So here's Gold Belly right here. And I'm going to show you some of my transactions here. So this is it. You can go over here and get bagels. By the way, this isn't a sponsor of ours. I'm just telling you I like it. So my account, right? And I go to my orders, okay?

What do you order from Goldback? I've gotten Lou Malnati's, four of those. I love. Carol, Ba, Kitty, Party, Family Meal. It's like Indian food. Wait, Keddy Ba, what? My Pie Pizza. I get deep pizzas there. But this is – I get Panberry's Double Crust Hand Pies. Wait a minute. You get pizzas from Lou Malnati's and from Pie Guy? I get them from six different companies. Jesus. So I get this thing called Panberry's Double Crust Hand Pies.

Okay. Okay. So they come frozen. Listen to me when I'm talking to you. I am listening to you. Okay. I'm just looking at this belly thing. So they're in, they come in a box. This is Gold Belly. And I get 12 pies. They're about this big. Okay. Listen to me. I am. And so they come to the door and Kalilah has a thing where I can't touch anything that comes to the door. Rudy has to clean it all and disinfect everything. Right? I know. I know.

You made her disinfect the Red Bulls. She leaves my pies out there for two days. Melt. Right? So then she doesn't tell me. Yeah. And she freezes them that way.

So now the pies come in a plastic wrapping. Right. And when they melt, all the filling inside. Pours out. Pours out. So the plastic's filled, now frozen, with the filling that's inside the fucking pie, right? And she just puts it in the freezer and she doesn't tell me. So I'm like, hey, shit. Hey, shit. I wake up one day. Hey, shit. I want a pie today. Hey, shit. I want a pie today. Right, right, right. I go to the pie and I pick them up.

And the fucking... The pie, the crust is still there, but there's holes in the bottom where all the filling had spilled out into the thing. So now I'm just getting crust. Yeah. Right? And all 12 of them are that way, and I've been eating it that way, but all the shit fucking oozed out. Did you apologize?

I only made the mistake once and because you didn't tell me that the package arrived because I never go down and I don't know when it arrived. She didn't know. And the fillings didn't go out. Only the oil went out. Oh, hey, hey, slow down. Hey, you relax. Sit down. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. It was just the oil. All right. All right. So was he exaggerating? No. Stop. Stop. Rude. I love you. Stop. Rude.

Bob. Let me tell you this, Andrew. All right? When I'm ordering... Okay, so I'll show you my orders, okay? I want to see it. I want to show you my orders, okay? So this, okay? So I get... Let's go to it. Um...

I fall deeply in love with you when you get into these things. The way I look at you, you're like a little too excited right now. Okay, so I got two braised pork pies. Yes. Two country chicken pies. Okay. Two breakfast southern chicken pies. Oh, look. I didn't get oil pies. Since I didn't get oil pies, how the fuck...

Is there not oil pies on that menu? Is there oil in the fucking thing? It's the filling, not the oil. It's not the filling because if it won't be the filling, there will be like meat. No, here's a... Wait, time out. Let me investigate. Is there meat spilling from outside of it? No. Oh, so it's something else. When you open up a pie, a panberry pie, it's delicious, right? Let me close my eyes. I see it. Go ahead. Okay.

Imagine this. I am. Imagine this. Imagine the filling inside the pie is a stew. Oh, I love it. All right? When I ask you what a stew is, what does that consist of? Uh,

Chunks of meat and potatoes and carrots. But what's the most important thing in a stew? The gravy. The juice. The juice. Right? Yeah. The most important thing is the juice. The juice. The juice. The juice. The juice is gone. The juice is gone. The juice is gone. The juice is gone. The juice is gone. The juice has now filled into the plastic. So when you open up, it's frozen. So I have to put just beef and potato chunks.

With no juice. Can you just crack them and put them back in the pie and cook it that way? No, you can't. Like a frozen ice block. You can't crack them off? You can crack it and put it on top of the shell of the pie and have it melt it over. That sounds good, too. It doesn't sound good. It doesn't sound good because I don't want a moist ball.

I don't want a moist ball of a fucking disaster. Do they not sell moist balls on that menu? So you never apologized for that. And I'm being nice to Rudy. I'm being nice to her. I never yelled at her about it. But that is what she did. Did you not do that, though? Okay. See, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. She's so fucking nice. She's a nice girl. That's why I didn't yell at her until now. No, you didn't. No, I've been eating these fucking...

of dough. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. They're delicious, but that's not what I want. That's not what you initially intended. I want a pie. Daddy wants a pie. Yeah, Daddy wants a pie. Well, how about this? Yeah. But it's a great company. If you ever go to Gold Belly, you got to get these panberry pies. Panberry pies. And I love the mushroom chicken. Why are you... Let me ask you this. Why are you guys leaving it outside for so long? That's to disinfect it? Is that what that is? Yeah. You're not supposed to leave it out there for...

Why don't you guys just spray it inside? Take it, take inside and spray with alcohol. Cause she just, you know, we live in a, you know, listen to us. People have different points of view. It's about the pandemic. Oh, right. And you know, we are taking it real safe. Sure. And we, and you know, people go, are you scared? Yeah, I'm scared. Why wouldn't you be? I'm a smoker. I'm scared. You're, are you seriously? We had this conversation when the Sebastian said to me once, you know, when the pandemic started, he goes, you have nothing to worry about.

You're going to be fine. And I go, Sebastian, you have nothing to worry about because you're athletic. That doesn't make a difference anymore. You have a great body. You have a great Italian body. I know. Trust me. But for me, you know. I don't think the smoking thing is going to be the detriment for you. What is it? I don't know. You just said it as if there was a detriment. I just think that health has a lot to do with it. Yeah. Beyond the smoking. I'm talking about just diet. Oh, yeah. What did I do today when I woke up? Yoga. Yoga.

Did you do 30 or an hour? 45. Oh, you did 45? We were supposed to do 75. How intense, though? Was it a lot of stretching? Why did you add that part? Because she knows what I'm asking. She knows exactly what I'm asking. Was it hard? Yeah, it was kind of hard. Did you sweat?

Yeah. Did you? Why are you looking at her? Did you sweat? I know she sweat because she probably puts in the effort. How about this? Because you were supposed to do Wednesday with us. I know I bailed. And you bailed. I bailed. You bail on a lot of things. I had a sever in my leg. Did you ever play Warzone with me? No. Did you ever go to the Korean spa with me? Well,

Did you ever do yoga? You don't do anything. I back up everything I say. Did I come over to your uncomfortable house? I did. Did I eat dinner? We had a good time. Yeah, shut the fuck up. You're being such an exaggerated dick. I bailed on yoga for one reason, and I can tell you this right now. I am going to a podiatrist next week. I think I got to get surgery on my fucking leg now. No, you're doing yoga with us Wednesday. No, I'm serious. I've let this go for too long. This is bad.

Look at how gross that looks. You see how red and swollen it is? I let it go for too long and I thought it was like, oh, it'll just heal itself. So I wake up Wednesday morning and I go, fuck it. And then I'm thinking, no, man, I'll just go walk around the neighborhood. I'll take the dog for a walk. Then I go inside. My ankle is swollen. Your dog, though? Yeah. You know, your dog reminds me of my brother's dog. Really? Yeah. Just, you can tell. I don't know why you got lucky, but you could tell he's a good guy.

It's a girl. It's a girl. Whatever. We did put a penis on it, but it is a girl. It is the most loving. It sat next to me. She went right up to you. You know what's so funny is when someone says that you got lucky, I believe that to be true. I used to think I was like, no, dogs take after the way you treat them. No. I have good friends that have dogs that are just fucking assholes that tear shit up, that poop on everything. She doesn't do any of that stuff. We have one of those. You have an asshole.

Oh, I have a fucking, I have an update on fucking Leonard. Leonard. I have a Leonard update. What happened? Oh, this is a great one. This is great. So, did I tell you we ordered a spa for it? Yeah. So, you know, a spa. Yeah. Then she ordered a full-blown tree thing that came today. You guys are going to spend 50 grand on a bird. Can I just show you what my fucking patio looks like? It's disgusting. It's disgusting.

I'll show you what the patty is. Have you guys sprayed it down at all or cleaned it off? Just watch, watch, watch. You can't really see it, but like. Let me see. Oh, bro. Get a hose. Right. So this is essentially, you know, these branches, right? There's the spa that they ordered. Oh, my God. There's so much poop. There's so much poop. I know. Why don't you guys, can you not just spray it? So what happens this morning is. Put some of those meat pies outside. And he's gone.

Today? Yeah. He's gone? Right, so then what happened was he flew but couldn't fully make it, so he ended up on somebody else's lawn, right? And, you know, it's like going, I'm leaving the Four Seasons. I'm going to a Motel 6. Right, he went from tip-top to bottom. Yeah, to bottom. And now he's on somebody else's lawn. None of our business. Kalilah probably cares. None of our business. Do you miss Leonard?

Um, I care. No, you don't. We talked about it in the car. Because his wings are still broken. No, no, no, no. His wings are broken still. I said, it asked her in the car, and you have to be honest with me. I go, do you love Leonard? She goes, yeah. And I go, if Leonard died, would you cry? She goes, no. And I go, then I go, have you ever cried in a movie? She goes, yeah. What movie?

No, it's just a love story. A love story. What? Which one? A Walk to Remember. Oh, yeah. What a movie. And I go, what scene? When she dies, right? I go, you love that scene more than you love Leonard. Oh, boy. I said, I don't know if I would cry. You wouldn't cry. I would cry. She'd cry. You just told me in the car that you wouldn't cry. I said, I don't know. She would cry. She wouldn't be heavy, but she would cry.

If one of your animals died, would you cry? Yeah, because I love them. But for how long? It would devastate me. For how long? I would get one of them cloned. Do you know that? Can you do that? Oh, yeah. You can get your animal cloned now? Oh, yeah. Meryl Streep did it. How expensive is that? $50,000. You would do that? Fuck yeah. Gobi? Yeah. Wait, can I do that? How old are they? How do you do that? You got to get their fingernails or something. You send it to Korea. Right before they die. Okay.

You got to get their DNA. Send it away. Send it away. How long does it take? A couple of months. Wow, this is a great idea. Then you really never lose your family dog. Meryl Streep or one of those actresses did it. Her dog. Brooke Shields. She was the inventor of it. The Brooke Shields clone your dog. I can't believe that you. Yeah, I'll clone. You're going to clone Gobi?

I would clone Gobi. But then you think, right? Isn't that creepy? If they can clone a dog? They can clone humans. They have to clone humans. You don't think they've – I think they've done it already. Yeah, but then if we can clone humans – I've always asked this question. Let me ask you this question. Oh, boy. Do you believe in God? I believe in a being, yes. Okay. I don't know what it is, but I know it's there. So if we can clone a human, are we creating life or is God still creating life? Hmm. Hmm.

Okay. Well, that's complex. I don't, I believe in a thing. I don't believe in a man in the sky. I don't believe in that. I believe in a universal power or energy that's massive that we'll never be able to wrap our brains around. So in that regard, it's all creating without our knowledge. Things are being created without our knowledge. So do I think, we live in a fucking alternate universe, dude. None of this is real.

This is a simulation. You're freaking me out right now. You live in a simulation. You're freaking me out so much. Let me give you a theory. No, no, no. Let me give you a theory. It's not a simulation. The way you look at her, okay, the way she looks to you, right, when you look at her, you know her characteristics. You've seen her before. You've created that image of who you think she is in your mind. That energy is real. She exists. But she looks different to me than she does to you. When you look at her right now, you think I see her the same way you do? Like she looks Cambodian to me? I don't know what you're saying. You look Cambodian.

No, but what you see of her physically, all her physical attributes, they don't look the same to me. We just assume they do because we live in a fucking simulation. We've created these universes the way we want to create them. It's funny because I first thought when she first moved in. Mushrooms. Right. She looked like a mushroom. I thought, oh, she looks like a young – but now she looks exactly – I don't know why. You take offense to this. She takes offense to this, but she looks exactly like her mom to me.

Well, that's not why. I mean, she is a child of her mother. Why would that be? You see reflections of her. But then I call her her mom and she gets really angry. Well, that's annoying. I call her honey. Why? That's her mom's name. Oh, your mom's name is honey? Yeah. What? Is that her real name? Her full name is Honey Luz. Honey Luz? That's a great name. Honey Luz. Yeah. Honey Luz. But you know, Filipinos, they name their people's kids' names crazy shit. What do you mean? Like three people have named their kids COVID. Yeah.

Yeah, that's fine. I know. It's kind of cool. Or paperclip. They just name their kids in a weird way. Sewerhead. Yeah. You know what? Yeah. Thank you for being a bad friend. Here's a little song we wrote for all the dads out there. We see you. We see you working on that grill. It's getting real hot. You know that lawn looks damn fine, daddy. Mm-hmm. We understand what all the motherfuckers

So high.

We wanna fuck your dads. Everybody. We wanna fuck your dads. We wanna fuck your dads. We wanna fuck your dads.

Yeah. Happy Father's Day.