From the Bottom of My Happy Heart 01:20:26

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It's free. Awesome. That's cool. There are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer. You do it from your phone like on the go? Oh, my God. That's cool. And on the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool. Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many, many, many, many, many, many, many more. Go ahead.

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Or you two or something. We're bad friends. Honey, come home from the war. You are missed. Come home to daddy. Daddy miss you so much. Baby, come home. Baby, you're loved. Baby, you died.

Wow. He died. Johnny died in the song. Johnny died in the song? Yeah, he was in the war and he had some sort of gangrene on his leg because he stepped on an IED. He stepped on an IUD or an IED? IUD. An IUD. He stepped on a birth control? Not a bomb, not a bomb. Oh, he stepped on a birth control thing? Yeah, yeah. That's why he got gangrene. Wow. IED, he would have been blown off. Yeah. But IUD, he stepped on a birth control device. I'm wondering...

If you were in, because I see a lot of war movies, and I feel like in the movie Platoon, you would be the Kevin Dillon character. Sure. Yeah.

You would, like, make a Vietnamese guy hop up and down on one leg. Yep. And dance. Yep. And you'd be the guy that, like... You're, like, the guy that, like, the other platoon soldiers go, oh, did you see what Andrew did back in the village? Yeah, he tortured that little Korean boy. He raped a baby. No. Yeah, he raped a baby. No, I didn't. He walked into the hut, he picked up the baby, and he just started having sex with the baby. I wouldn't have sex with it. I would throw it. I might throw it or kick it. Oh.

I might throw it or kick it. Bob, have you been lighting cigarettes with a campfire lighter? Yeah. Like a torch lighter? Yep. Why, do you not have a regular lighter? I can't find them. I can't find them anywhere in the house. That little song, Baby, Come Home. I really like that. You do? Is that an old thing that we should know? No, I just made it up. Oh, wow. Yeah, I just make up songs. Well, it sounds like an old classic, beautiful Korean. There's an old Irish song.

There's an old Irish one. Sing an old Irish folklore type song. Well, but it's translated because it's in Gaelic. Oh, shit. Like gypsy shit, huh? Yeah. But in English, it says this. They go, there once was a lad who drank two... Don't laugh. Why are you laughing? I'm trying to give you a piece of my culture and my history. I know.

Whenever you watch the Game of Thrones or any of those kind of movies, or The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, and then a hobbit will start singing in a fucking auditorium. I used to start laughing. It's so dumb. Keep going. Hey, hey. Keep going. There once was a lad who drank too much. He'd never be alive again. Whiskey and beer and whiskey again.

Never will he see a friend. Yeah. He laid to rest. He did his best. All right. He fought when they asked him to. A drunk but a good man overall. Thank goodness he wasn't a Jew. That's the song.

That's a good one. It's a good song. It rings true today. Yeah, it's evergreen. It's an evergreen song from the evergreen country, my good friend. Because when you watch those kind of things, like if you're watching, I don't know what genre or what time period it is, but where they used to have bards, like traveling bards. Yeah, traveling bards, yeah. And they would tell stories and sing. Those were like the Beatles. You know what I mean? Yeah. They were like half Beatles and half comic. What was that...

What was that movie? It was like seven short films. What was that called? There's so many movies. No, it just came out a couple years ago, seven short films. One of the short films was about a man who traveled the country with no limbs telling stories.

Oh, yeah, I did see that. Why can't I think of the name of that movie? Yeah, what was that? Oh, so good, though. It was a horror movie. It was like the Halloween, right? No, no, no, no. This was like, oh, dude, this is going to... Yeah, okay, yeah. He had no limbs, and he would travel from town to town. And a guy would take care of him and feed him. Yeah, but the guy wasn't using him. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, what was that? Ballad of Buster Scroggs. Does that sound stupid? Is that way off? Ha ha ha!

I would never watch a movie called Ballad of Buster Struggs. Do you know what we're talking about? Get in the microphone. She doesn't know anything. By the way, we have our, we have, what's, T2 is uncle, what's niece? What niece? Yeah, what's niece in Philippines? Bagu Banggun. Bagu Banggun. Bagu Banggun.

Pagawanggong. Is that right? Pagawanggong? Pagawanggong. Pagawanggong. Pagawanggong. By the way, Ballad of Buster Scruggs was the correct title of that movie. Ballad of Buster Scruggs. I was right. The Coen brothers made that. It was seven short little vignettes. Oh, on Netflix. That's right. It was very good. I saw that. Yeah, it was very good. That's about the traveling guy. Wait a minute. Pagawanggong. I don't want to skip over that. Pagawanggong. Say it slow so I can hear it. Pag. Pag.

Every time I do it, it sounds like the computer that translates it. And what language is that? What's Visayan? It's in Cebu, in the island of the Philippines. Whoa. Oh, it's fucking mythic. There's history. So let me ask you something, Jules. I know you don't like talking, but...

So every island has their own language? Not always. Get closer to the mic. Yeah, you have to get closer to the mic so we can hear you. Not always because in Manila you have...

Tagalog. And then some other islands also speak Tagalog. Oh, I see. What's the most common language in the Philippines? Tagalog. Tagalog? Tagalog. Tagalog. Yeah. But can you understand? Like if somebody's speaking Tagalog? Yeah, I can understand. You can understand it. But can you speak it?

I'm okay with it. I'm not an expert. Yeah. It's like if we went to... We go to the South. No, we went to Nevada or something. And then they had a... Well, maybe not Nevada. The South. If you go to New Orleans... And then they had a completely different language that we didn't understand. But now New Orleans, the...

Like in New Orleans, though, what is it called? The Cree, like when they do Creole. Creole, yeah, yeah, yeah. All that stuff's hard to hear. Look at it. Tell me if you can understand what this says. Tell me if you can understand this one. What am I saying here? It's just so racist when you do it. No, it's not. One more time. It just doesn't sound right.

Do you hear any of that? That's in Tagalog. That's how are you doing today? What? Yeah. Yeah, I don't think it's right. You don't think that's right at all? If it's how are you, it's como esta? That sounds like Spanish como esta. How about this? What's this one? Purushangam. Purushangam.

No. Nothing? Nothing. God, what is this app? Fucking Google. It's nothing. Maybe try Filipino instead of Tagalog. But they don't have Filipino on there. No. Tagalog is the most common one on the language translation one. Do you ever... When you go to another place, though, and you try to conversate with someone...

Do you use English as the middle ground? I've only went to Bohol and Camotas and they speak Visayan, my language. Oh, they speak your language. But then when I go to Manila, I speak English because I'm not good with Tagalog. Do most people in Manila speak English? They do, but they're not good at it. Right. Yeah. You're really good at it. When did you start taking English?

ever since I was young because the schools teach English. Yeah, with hopes that you guys are going to get out. Or maybe the concubine life. Yeah. Sometimes like the expats or whatever, the older, you know what I mean, white dudes. White dudes are there, yeah. The dudes and they want to bang, bang. Do you know what 90 Day Fiance is? Do you know what that television show is? No. Oh, it's wonderful. Yeah. It's so good. It's so good. Yeah.

And these men are trying to go marry – there's a lot of Filipino women that come across on the show and they want – they marry them so they can get to the United States. But there's something about – I've seen that show before. There's something about like an average or kind of an uglier white dude and then they go to a country like that and they come back with a real hottie. I get angry. Why? They come back because those women just want somewhere to live. I know. They're basically sex slaves.

They're sex slaves. Yeah. They have sex with these weird white dudes that are like, I'm just looking for a wife. There's this old series on HBO called Autopsy. You ever see those? No. Oh, you have HBO Go or anything? Yeah, yeah. All right. So go to the documentary section. Autopsy? It's called Autopsy. And they were made in the early 90s or 90s. They're incredible. Yeah.

Because they show real bodies and stuff. No! Yeah, back in the day, yeah. But it's like they're all forensic-y, you know, case files. But it's all case files on like, on cold cases or on... No, on real cases that they solved through forensics. Oh, they've been solved. It was like the first show of that kind. Whoa. And they had this white man. Gross. Exactly. And his young Filipino wife, right, suddenly dies, right? They find her like...

You know, I love it when they find the hand first. They'll find a hand sticking out of the ground. Yeah. Right? And then they don't know what to do. It's always a jogger. Right. It's like, I was out in the early morning and I saw a hand. Yeah. Yeah.

I hate when they do that. You know what I would, if I died, right? Yeah. I would, I wouldn't die in a mysterious way in that way where they find my hand in a field, but then like a year later they find like an ear in like an island off Hawaii and then a foot in Antarctica. Why don't we just spread your body parts all over the world? All over the world so they don't know what the fuck happened. Just one Bobby Lee eye sticking out. Yeah, yeah. At a fish market or something.

Just your eye out of ice. I know. Yeah, and then – so it always remains – Autopsy. Yeah, autopsy. But then it turns out like he's always – he always does that. Like he has had four other Filipino wives over his life. And he kills them. That mysteriously died or disappeared. It's disgusting. Yeah, so they – Was he American?

It's always an older white dude. I know, but dude, a lot of British – there was a British dude in the news in Bristol maybe it was called. Yeah. 39. 39 women and children that he had killed, did all this screwed up shit to. 39 and he got away with it forever. Yeah. He basically wanted to get caught at some point. Yeah. These weirdo white dudes, they get these foreigners –

Like that. Yeah. Because they can't – what are they going to – they're stuck. Yeah, but you know what? That kind of behavior is everywhere though. Yeah, I know. Because remember the Japanese kid? There was a Japanese kid. He went to school. He comes from a real – a rich Japanese family, like a powerful Japanese family. Yeah. And he went to a school, a boarding school or a college or whatever. He was a foreign exchange student in Sweden or whatever. And he ate –

a white Swedish girl. Oh, yes. He ate her. Yes. And then he's now in like prison. Yeah. But his family is so powerful that he got out. Yeah. And now he's just roaming free. Imagine like he's in a Japanese bar getting drunk, right? Yes. And people are telling stories, you know what I mean? And he gets this always top everyone else's. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's oh, you you ate a mongoose once. Oh, yeah. I

you know what I mean a white Swedish lady everyone's like oh that's impressive yeah to eat a white Swedish girl and get away with it I love that money power respect yeah oh Bob speaking of which yeah how cool is this whatever anyway say thank you thank you say thank you to Ted Muntz he did this this is awesome right that really is dope this is very cool can you see it on camera

Can you see it? Yeah. How do you say cool in... She's not fucking... She's a bright girl. She's my little Google Translate. She's a bright girl. How do you say cool? Thank you. Thank you? How do you say thank you? Oh, you Filipinos don't say thank you. Salamat. Huh? Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat.

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Happen. BetterHelp. BetterHelp. Is there something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals? BetterHelp will access your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist. Let me say this right now, okay? Yeah. Jules, did you not do it, Jules? Yeah. And then when you did BetterHelp and you talked to your therapist, what happened? I cried for like six hours in my bedroom.

That's good. And she felt lighter and happier afterwards. BetterHelp is incredible. I could feel a change and a shift in her. No, seriously. Clients all over the world. If you really need someone to talk to, this is incredible. You can log in anytime, anywhere, and message a counselor when you really need it the most. Let's be honest. Bob and I have talked about it. We all have vulnerabilities. You need to talk to someone when you're going through something, regardless of what it is. Literally, therapy has saved my own life. It's a fact. Yeah. And I wouldn't be here today without it.

I agree. No, seriously. It is something that we should take serious. And we should also be proud to say we all do therapy. That's a good thing. Jules did it. I did it. Bob did it. It's more affordable than traditional offline counseling. Financial aid is available. You guys should start living a happier life. If you need someone to talk to, this is the way to go. Go to betterhelp.com slash... Bad friends. That's right. That's betterhelp.com slash bad friends. Join over 700,000 people taking charge of their mental health. Yep. With the help of top experienced professionals.

Again, we're being serious. No joking around. Please talk to someone if you really need it. And a special offer for our Bad Friends listeners. Get 10% off your very first month at BetterHelp.com. Bad Friends. Yep. So Jules, when she was on last Bad Friends, people started hitting trying to become her friend on Instagram. Ew, really? Yeah, and her shit's on private. I don't think she wants to – if you're listening right now, I don't think she wants to befriend people. But we created another Instagram page for her. Oh, what is it?

What is it? Bad Friend Rudy. It's called Bad Friend Rudy. So you can go on Instagram, go to Bad Friend Rudy, and that's when – then you have control over that page. No, she does, but we're going to use that as – No DPs, fellas. No DPs. She's young. No DPs. That's disgusting. Disgusting. No DPs. But girls, send your boobs. Send boobs to her account. That's fine. Yeah.

Speaking of that, so I sent you that. I don't want to mention it because I don't want to get yanked off of Instagram, but I sent you that handle on Instagram, right? Yeah. So did you watch those videos? I watched every single one of them three times over. Right. And I sent it to everybody. What do you mean? You don't want to mention it so it doesn't – It's going to obviously – if people find out about –

that handle, that they're going to yank it. But I imagine that whoever makes up that account, for people that don't know, we're being so vague, there's an account online that shows the most...

Fucked up is an understatement. It's insane. Yeah. It's crazy shit. But it's not private. It's not private. Why don't we say it? You can't. Why not? Because I love it so much. I don't want to get yanked. But these constantly get yanked and they re-upload and they constantly get yanked. That's how it goes. How am I going to find it the next time? Well, let me see how long he's been up right now. He's been up for a while. Isn't it insane that you automatically know it's a guy?

Yeah, yeah. There's no way a girl would put up that much. One of the videos is, or one of the lives is, you know, it has a little retarded boy having sex with a car. He's just, he's fucking the front of a car. Yeah, so his dick is going inside the fender. No, no, it's inside the emblem, the car emblem. Oh, the emblem. Right. It's insane. Yeah, it's between the T and the O. Of Toyota. Of Toyota.

And then there's another guy fucking a pony? A donkey. A donkey. A donkey. I don't know the difference. Yeah, no, I know. It's all the same ass to me. Yeah, okay. I'm looking right now. Right. We can't. It's been around for a while. But if we say what it is. No, no, we can't. We can't. All right. But I sent that. Now you know who your real allies are in comedy because I sent it to probably 12 comics. Sure. Yeah.

Some of them, and I'm not kidding you, their texts back were like almost like we're done. Like not cool. Like, hey, man, we're not friends anymore. Why? I don't know what it is. It's like for me. Can you tell me who said they didn't like it? Well, I can tell by them not responding. Yeah, yeah. Right? Yeah. So David Spade. Well, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. Spade not responding makes sense. Yeah, yeah. He wouldn't like something like that. Yeah, but in my head, I thought he would.

A video of a handicapped boy fucking a car. Yeah. And a lot of them are like fist fights, like brutal fist fights. Fist fights. Fist fucking. Fist fucking. You know, there's one video that made me laugh so fucking hard. There's a big muscly dude. Yeah. And he's taped a dildo to his computer table. Yeah, that's what I saw. And he's blowing it. Yeah. And his mom walks in and she just goes, ah, and walks out. Yeah.

Yeah. He's deep-throating like a 14-inch dildo. Yeah. That one made me laugh so hard. But D'Elia texted me yesterday. He goes, I don't like this, dude. He doesn't like stuff like that. And I'm like, what? There's a guy fucking a horse. I go, it's comedy, baby. It's a bit. Yeah, people have a certain threshold. Some people don't like stuff like that. Why? It's because they didn't grow up joking around with stuff like that.

So they don't like it now. Do you know what I mean? Like you had to like weirdo shit when you were a kid to like weirdo shit as an adult comedically.

Yeah, I mean, I've peed on people in my life. Yeah. I've pooed on people. Not me. That's fine. That's fine. To each his own. You've pooed just on a human? Yeah, I've pooed on a human. In a sexual matter? Oh, no. Just like in a— No, no. What, in a revenge? Yeah, like one time I think I pooed on Ari Shaffir's foot.

That's fine. But then he shit all over my car. That's cool. Yeah, so it's like... I've always been into those kind of games. Shit for a chat, tit for tat. Yeah, tit for tat. I get that. Yeah, I've peed on things. But my point is, I've cummed on things. What's the weirdest thing you've cummed on? Like an object. Well, recently... Because I'm doing this... Close your ears. She lives with me. Close your ears. No, she's fine. Just close your eyes. At least close your eyes so you can't see, hear it. No, so I don't...

I can't believe I'm saying this. I can. So, you know, I've been doing this no pornography thing. Yeah. So I haven't watched any pornography. I know. So you say. I haven't. And how long, though? How long has it really... Honestly. Two months. Has it been going on that long? Oh, yeah. Really? Bob, no breaks. Here's how crazy it is. It's getting to the point where when I was in the Middle East with Sebastian Maniscalco and Eric Griffin, you can't get porn on...

You know what I mean? On the internet there. They don't have porn. They block all of it. No Middle Eastern porn? No. If you're in the Middle East, like you're in Saudi Arabia. Saudi Arabia. You're in Saudi Arabia. You have to jerk off to the thought of porn. Yes. That's wild. But even then, it hadn't been long enough, right? So I couldn't do it with my mind.

But it's been so long now, I can do it with my mind. You can jerk off with your mind? Yes. That's insane. Yeah. You can get fully hard without looking at anything sexual. Without anything, and I can do it with my mind. I'm resetting my brain. Wow. Right? But so sometimes I'm in the bathtub, and I'll come. Right? Yeah.

I feel like you're not open right now and I feel like you're doing something. Hey, look at me. No, I'm an open book right now. It doesn't feel open. It feels calm. Put all your words inside of me. I'm a book with no words. All right. I'm open pages. Yeah. And so I'll come and then the sides of the bathtub, I'll just wipe the calm on there. Hmm. Jules, do you ever take a bath in there?

Not anymore. Never again. She has her own bathtub. Why don't you put it somewhere else? Why on the sides? You have to clean that. Do you not clean that? Do you clean it right when you get out? You leave it? I let it dry a bit. Yeah? Wait, you let it dry? Yeah. Bob. Why? Do you jerk off underwater? Yeah. You like it underwater? Aquaman stuff. Yeah. That's fun. Momoa style. Little bubbles coming out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Momoa style? Yeah, I do. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

See, I can't water and I don't get along. Why? I don't jerk off in the water. I can't fuck in the water. I don't like it. Oh, it feels good. If you ever stand – this is the best feeling. Okay, so here's another story that she doesn't know and nobody knows. When I was in the Philippines, we stayed at this hotel called The Crimson.

And so Kalilah and her family would be like, we're going to go hiking in the mountains. And I'd be like, oh, I'm sick. I don't feel good. You guys go. Right? So they would go. And in the back of this hotel room is this pool in the back. It's a really nice hotel. Sure. And we have our own individual pools.

Swimming pools. They're the size of this table, right? And they don't go deep. So you just stand there and then the water goes up to your sides like this. Right. And I would put an iPad there and I would just feverishly masturbate in the water. Right.

Oh, God. And that was your favorite thing to do? It's because for some reason when you're doing this in the water, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's splashing around. Yeah, it's creating this like, you know what I mean? A little mass per toroid wave. A little bit of friction or whatever. Right. Right, water friction. Do you come underwater? Do you pull it above the water? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the water? Oh, yeah. So you let it swim? Why not? It came from water inside my body. Yeah, it did. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, it's not like it's from a desert. So you would feverishly jerk off inside of there how many times?

I don't know what, how, when you guys went hiking and all that stuff, I, there was a lot of times I didn't go. Right. So next time I'm like that, remember I'm in a swimming pool jerking off jerking off. So don't swim in that swimming pool. Do you know this about him? All this stuff. Yeah. Are you, are you, are you embarrassed about your Tito or no? No, you're okay with it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's not, that's fine.

That's fine. Look, everyone has their kink. That's your little kink. You like jerking off in the water when no one's around. During quarantine, I'm going to let it go. Yeah. You got to let your mind go. What have you been doing? Well, speaking of sexual kink, genuinely, this has been on my mind for a while. I watched Louis C.K.'s special. I haven't seen it yet. You didn't watch it? No. Okay.

Is it good? Yeah, it's wonderful. It's fucking wonderful. Whoa. All right. It's wonderful. Is it funny? It's very, very funny, dude. How do I watch it? I'm going to watch it tonight. You go to Louis C.K.'s- Go to his website. You can buy it from his website. Really? Yeah. It's like $7.99 or something like that. Oh, cool. I watched it with a buddy of mine. We FaceTimed and watched it together. I was interested to see how he felt about it. It was one of those like- Right, right. Let me see what he does. Dude, it was-

It was awesome. It was fucking awesome. It was heartfelt. It was hard. It was tough. It was funny. He broaches the subject of the sexual stuff a little bit at the end. Could have been more. I think it would have been funnier if it was a little bit more or a little bit more real. When he opens, though, he doesn't mention it at all when he opens? Yeah, the first thing out of his mouth—

I mean, I don't want to fuck it. I don't want to fucking... Give me the opening thing. The opening line is, did anybody else have a really fucked up last two years or whatever? You know, something like that. Like, how was your last two years? You know, like, did anybody else have the worst last two years of their life? That kind of shit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and so right off the bat, you laugh because you're like, yeah, this guy's shit was fucked up. Then he tells you kind of the tribulations of what's gone on in the past couple of years. And the very end of the special...

He talks about the incidents. He has his version, his spin of it. I'm interested to see what you think about it. It was very fucking funny. The honest truth is that he was one of those guys that I always watched worked out. I was there when he showcased for Mitzi. No way. Yeah, so he had already done his first HBO special.

Right. And I go, fuck, Louis C.K.'s here. That special was very good. Very funny. Yeah. The half hour? Yeah. Really good. And I sat next to Mitzi and he goes up there and admitted in

She yells out, I'm not kidding you. Light him. He doesn't have it. Shut up. And I turn to Mitzi and I go, Mitzi, he has an HBO special. He doesn't have it. I'm falling asleep. Holy shit. Right? And he kind of walks off. And then I didn't see him for many, many years. He never came back. No. He was kind of like the Seinfeld 2. Seinfeld.

You know that story, right? Haven't I told you that story? I have another one too. Go ahead. About Seinfeld though. You know what happened? George Lopez too, but go ahead. Uh, Seinfeld didn't, admits he didn't like him for some reason. Said he was not, not, not funny, but something that she didn't like. Yeah. Maybe he was too clean or something. I don't remember. Seinfeld told this story himself. This is from his mouth. He came back to the store probably five, six, five years ago, four years ago. And he hadn't been in forever. He told this story. He said, um,

He said, the reason I hadn't been in so long is Mitzi told me that basically I wasn't good enough or wasn't funny enough for this place. And I just toured and did other comedy elsewhere. And then he got the show. Okay. Seinfeld became a massive hit. One of the biggest comedy entities of all time. Arguably the biggest comedy hit in the history of television. Yeah. And they used to have a house on Kings Road or the Queens Road house. That's where Mitzi lives. Right. Yeah. And Jerry bought a house.

above their house. Literally. Just above the house, right up on the hill, above the house. Yeah. And he said every day he would drive in one of his Porsches down to CBS Radford. Yeah. And he would slow down on purpose to see if any of the shores were outside. Yeah. To say hello, to let him know, to let them know, oh, I'm just coming from up there. Yeah, yeah. Just coming from above. Yeah. Right above you, going back down. Yeah. Just to like, because Jerry has that kind of- You never went into Mitzi's house, huh? No. You know what used to happen was when Mitzi was-

sick at the end of at the end of the first run of the first time she got sick yeah sean halpin who is a comedian i know sean used to live in my apartment with us used to live with us your roommates it was temporary no not really because we had two roommates and he was just kind of living with us for a short period of time until he was going to get a new place and sean invited me a few times ago he's like you want to go over there he used to help her like a bunch of other comics help her

with a lot of stuff that I don't want to mention because it's nobody's fucking business. But I couldn't do it. It's just something about it gave me the, I couldn't go over to her home and be, well, she's really sick. And I never saw her like that.

Imagine it's like it's – and I love Mitzi. But imagine – because I've been to her house maybe 10 times in my life. And it's almost as if – you know how – because we opened up with like castles and bards, this podcast. So imagine in a world where there was a kingdom and there was a king, but they always have a sage. Yeah.

Right. Or a wizard. Right. Right. Imagine just living amongst the peasants, right? Sure. And then some guy in a cloak comes up to you and goes, the wizard would like to see you, right? And then you went to the wizard's tower. I love it. Right? And you don't know what the – because you don't know anything about wizardry. You're scared of it. You're scared of magic. You're just a peasant. Yeah. You're making rice and wheat or whatever, right? That's what you do, right? Yeah.

And then the wizard tells you some sort of spell or new concoction or he does some sort of trick, right? And then you're scared. You think you're going to die. Yeah.

Right? Or, you know what I mean? You don't know why he wants you there. Right. Right? That's what it was like. That's what it felt like. Because when you walked in, the walls of her house were black like the comedy store. Yeah. You thought that, you know what I mean? Maybe there's some sort of like reasons comedy-wise why the club is all in black. Right. Right? Do you ever think that? Because you go to any comedy club, it's usually brick. Right.

And there's colors. Well, there's some sort of texture to everything. Right. But this is – the competition is completely black. Yeah, it's pitch black. The ceiling is painted black. Right. And also like maybe red neon. Love the red. Right. So it's almost as if like it's like Darth Maul's costume. Yeah.

It is. Yeah, yeah. It is. It's like Darth Maul's costume, the Comedy Store. But her house – but then she had a room where people would go in there and massage her that was completely pink. All pink. Yeah. So imagine going through a blackish house, and then there's this room that's brightly pink, and she's in there. So it was – one time I was at Thanksgiving with my – so Paulie goes, dude –

Pauly goes, dude, you got to have Thanksgiving with the family, right? And I go, no, Pauly, because I'm with my brother Steve and we're going to go somewhere else. I think we're going to go to the Stinking Rose. We're going to go to the Stinking Rose. So we already have a plan. No, dude. Nah, bro. You got to come over. Right. And they had already ate.

Like dinner was over. Well, no, I mean, they had started eating at two and now it's four. But you know how you go to a white people's Thanksgiving and the food's still out? Yeah, it's cold. Well, no, we leave it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't leave it out. It's for seconds. Don't leave it out. Just keep eating it. Don't leave it out. So my brother and I go over to the house and we have our plates.

And we're putting this cold turkey, you know what I mean? Yeah. And you know what I mean? And cranberry. And Mitzi's sitting at this table, wooden table, right? A round circular table. And the only two seats that are open, right, are next to her. Damn. Right? And so I'm like, I can't, I have to sit there. Right. So I'm sitting there. I go, how's it going, Mitzi? She's like, good. Happy Thanksgiving. Right? So I'm just talking to my brother. I swear to God this happens. And I hear this, I'm eating, I hear this, this noise.

Right? Yeah. And I go, what the fuck's that noise? When you ever hear a noise like that, you wonder. Yeah, what is it? Yeah, yeah. And I turn over and look at Mitzi. Her foot. Shut up. And her nails are so. No. Her foot is on the fucking dinner table. Yes. And she's doing this. And she's doing click, click on the fucking table, right? No. Try to enjoy a cold turkey dinner. With fucking.

You know what I mean? Cold gravy and cranberries. Ew. What did you say? You can't say shit. Do you try it? You just put your foot up and try it right next to her. No, because my nails aren't long enough. Her nails were like, you know how old people, they just fucking grow it. And they curl. And it curls around the fucking toe. So she was doing that with it. And I look over and I look at Mitzi and I look back at my brother and then all of a sudden there was a countdown in my head. Of how long you could. When to get out. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, when to get out. Yeah, so that was... How long did you stay? I think for another 15 minutes. And you were like, we got to go. We have to get the fuck out. Yeah, we had reservations somewhere or whatever. But yeah, that was like... But that's kind of like going into the... You're going into the Queen's Palace, right? But like many things, you don't know that you don't really want to be there sometimes. That's like all those things. It's like when you get to meet someone or go to a cool house party, you think it's going to be cool. Yeah. It's always the opposite of what you want. Yeah. I always thought...

The one time it turned out to be what I thought it was going to be, to be very honest. How many years ago? God, I don't know. Seven, maybe? Six? Seven? Miley Cyrus somehow through unexplained events. We went to her house for her Halloween party. And in my mind, I was like, this is going to let me down for sure. Like without a doubt. I'm going to have an idea of this and they're going to know that I'm a nobody and kick me out. Just before you go, a comic –

Always has that thought. You have to. We don't feel like we belong. We feel like it's almost a fraud to me. You're a fraud and they're going to tell you. In your mind, somebody's going to go, why is he here? Yeah. And the whole party's going to go, oh, why are you here? Yeah. I remember just real quick, D'Elia and I were at a CAA Christmas party. And his first opening line, D'Elia, Chris D'Elia, successful. Yeah, very. He goes, do I look like I belong here?

No. Yeah. Was this recently? A couple years ago? Maybe a year ago. Wow. And I'm like, yeah, you're fine. Do I look like I belong here? He's like, yeah. But it's like that's – and that's when I knew that we all have those thoughts. We all feel that way. Yeah. We all feel that way. Yeah. So go ahead. Miley Cyrus. Miley Cyrus is having a Halloween party. Yeah. We get invited through a friend of a friend because of whatever. Nobody's business. But I show up and I'm not kidding when I say the backyard of that girl's house is

was exactly what I thought it was going to be in my fantasy head. Insanely fun. People were naked. People were having like, there was like a food fight. It was like a- Was it a wrecking ball? It felt like a movie. That's what she came in on.

But it felt like a fucking movie. She had all these little area setups you could hide out and get high and party with people and drink and do. It was just such like a fantasy island place. Yeah. Like Epstein's Island. It was similar to that kind of fun. Epstein's Island. Like little kids running around. No, it was just, it was so free and fun. Yeah.

that I just, it was exactly what I wanted it to be but thought it would never be. But that was the only time I've ever gone to a celebrity's thing and gone, holy shit, this is a party all night long till four or five in the morning. Beachbody on

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Bad friends. To 30-30-30. We're going to have Jules say it too. Jules, yell it as loud as you can. Text... 30-30-30. Yeah. Text bad friends to 30-30-30. That's it. Text bad friends to 30-30-30. Yeah. That's it, baby. Thank you, Jules. The worst is...

or any of those like TV show, like when you're on a TV show. I'm on one. I just did a TCA. Yeah, you have to go to those events. Painful. It's the worst painful human experience. And they ask you questions that they know that you have no answer to. Kevin Hart is an executive producer on that show that I do. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Of course they go, hey, you know and I know Kevin Hart's an executive producer as much as you're a fucking Olympic athlete. Do you know what I mean? Like,

Yeah, he's an executive producer. Oh,

He's a great guy. I love him. His company is a part of it, right? Yeah. I mean, on Splitting Up Together, Ellen DeGeneres was my executive producer. She was around all the time? Never met her. No, she didn't hang out all day? And then I went to the showrunner one day and I go, what's Ellen like? She goes, I don't know her. Yeah, but they don't know her. What do you mean? And she's the producer. And it's fine. Look, these companies, they need the weight of these companies to get things through. Sure, sure, sure. But this one reporter, I had had enough. I had gone through all the rooms. Yeah.

And one reporter goes, so, Kevin Hart. And I go, yeah, Kevin Hart. And she goes, I mean, how incredible to work with Kevin Hart. I go, let me tell you something. Kevin Hart is in the green room that I'm in right now. We're all sharing the same green room. It's about a 50-person room. Food, drinks, everything. Executives, you know. I go, I've never met Kevin Hart. I'm in the room with him.

Still won't meet him. I'll go the whole day. I'll go eight hours of this. We're never going to meet. I know. And she was like, what? And I was like, that's not how this works. For some reason, people think that it's like, well, your buddy, you know that. It's like, I don't. Yeah. I don't know Kevin fucking Hart. I don't know. Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart is such a big thing. Yeah. If I said I'm on the show that you produce, he'd go, which show? Yeah. I'd go Dave on FX. And then he'd go, what is that? I produce that show? Yeah.

But for me, though, if I was the head of a production company and had six or ten things that are on the air. He probably has 50 things. Whatever. I would still fucking know. No. No, you wouldn't. I wouldn't know. Because you'd have so much going on. He has so much going on. Yeah. How could you balance that? It's hard for you to come here sometimes. Yeah, yeah, that's true.

That's true. It's just that I get it. Yeah. By the way, Ellen, Ellen got in some deep shit. Why? Because she made a great joke. People got mad at her. She put, you know, everyone's mad at celebrities for being like, I'm in quarantine and it's really hard. And everyone at home is like, yeah, right. Your house is worth $30 million. What's hard about having nine wings in a bowling alley? Like J-Lo had her son on a fucking, what are those things called? The hoverboards. And she was serving, he was serving her and A-Rod drinks and he was spinning around and they were like dancing. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It's like celebratory fucking – we're having a tough time here and we're billionaires. Anyway, Ellen – people got mad at Ellen because she said being in quarantine – I don't want to misquote it. Being in quarantine is just like being in prison because you wear the same clothes every day and everybody's gay. Something like that. Just a funny – she's just joking around. Just joke. I don't find that offensive. And everybody was like – you think it's like being in prison? How about the prisoners that are actually in prison? Just –

She's making a joke, dude. She's throwing it. It is a nonsense. It's nonsense. It doesn't mean anything. Yeah. And the everybody's gay part, it's funny. It's funny. Yeah. She was just making a joke. But people ate her alive. They were like, how disrespectful of those that are living in actual terrible conditions. It's like, okay, dude, what do you... Here's my problem. Do you want comics to still make jokes during this time? Or do you want us to say nothing at all? It's hard. It's like a balance. It's like...

What do you want her to do? She's making a fucking joke. What is she supposed to say? I mean, there's a way to do it, though. Like Julia Louise Dreyfuss just put out something. What'd she say? It was kind of like a coronavirus PCA about staying indoors and this and that. But she was basically looking at the camera and goes, normally I have...

you know, a crew of people do my makeup, but you know, during quarantine, I do my own and she's doing a PCA and she's doing her own makeup. It's terrible. On purpose. Right. On purpose. That's funny. It's really funny and cute. And then she ends the video. It's a cute video, right? And you don't see her house. Right. That's people's problem. Yeah. You don't see, when you, that's, I always, whenever I see a celebrity,

Right? Online, I always look at the background first to see where they're at. Yeah, I do too. Like even Sebastian, I know he lives in a gigantic house, but when he takes videos, I see that you don't really see a lot of the house to make it seem like it's normal, like everyone else's house. I think you have to be mindful about stuff like that.

I agree. I'm just saying, you think people don't know Ellen has a big house? That was my Sebastian. You think people don't know Ellen has a big house? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, some things are unavoidable. She's one of the richest performers in the world. Let me throw out an idea. This is probably not popular. Making a fucking joke. Okay, let me throw this out.

Ellen should be mindful about how people are struggling. I agree. But let me defend... They should be donating money is what they all should be fucking doing. And Ellen should be... I get Venmo requests all the time. You know what I mean? Some of them ask for $2,000. I'm like, I don't know you. I'm not going to send you that. But $25,000... Anyway, don't do it now. Because people are listening. People have and I have given. But you know...

We're all in quarantine and we're all – it's one of those things like what I said last week. It's like you take yourself with you everywhere you go. You take you with you, yeah. And I keep telling – I've told my brother for years that, yes, I don't live in a one-bedroom apartment in Silver Lake anymore. I have a little money saved up because my brother keeps going – sometimes goes, well, you got money. You should be happy.

Right? And those things don't necessarily fix you or, you know— But you are happy. Yeah, but I'm as happy as I was when I was living in Silver Lake as well. Of course, yeah. What I'm saying is that— That didn't change any— It didn't really change anything, right? No.

But don't you feel better now that you have 10 bedrooms, 10 baths? I don't have 10 bedrooms. I live in a three-bedroom. Do I not live in a three-bedroom house? She lives in my fucking house. Listen, you live in a 10-bedroom, 10-jizz-bath house. 10-jizz-bath side. Yeah, yeah, jizz is right. No, you live in a nice place, but you worked hard for it. But yeah, no, sure, you're not. But it's not going to make you happy, but you're trying to be conscious of how you're received. People know that you have a nice place.

Yeah, but I don't really talk about it or I don't really – it's – for a comedian at my age, at my level, it's probably the smallest place. Of people that are comparative to you? Yes. Yeah. Oh my god. So – Also, I lived – you saw the apartment that I lived in, right, for 15 years. Small. It's a very small place. It was very humble. Yeah, humble, small place. So I've never been –

to gloat about my situation, you know? But am I doing better than some? Yes. Sure. Yeah. Do you feel a responsibility? Do you feel a responsibility to give money? What's that noise? Oh, that's my phone. Who is it? Nobody. I love when you do that. Well, it's private. Well, no, no, no. You can see. Here, you can see. See what it was? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I didn't know you knew Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy? Don't say that. I don't say that.

Andrew, I've heard you made a joke about my sexuality. Yeah. Let me ask you something. Do you have big stars on your phone? You've asked me this before. Yeah, there's somebody in my phone that I – yeah, there's people on my phone. There's people on my phone that aren't – I wish you would call someone in your phone. I wish you would call the biggest person in your phone. Do you have Ellen's number? No. We should call Neil Brennan. He's friends with Ellen. He'll call Ellen for us and ask her to apologize live on the air for what she said and what she did. Should we do that?

What do you think? Jules likes it. Do you think these rumors are true about Ellen about how – She's straight? No. I'm going to talk about Ellen real quick. So Ellen DeGeneres, have you ever played the Dallas Improv?

Addison? Addison or Houston. Not yet. I'm about to. You're about to. You've never played Addison? No. Oh, my God. Dude, I've only played Austin. I've only played Cap City. Wow. So have you done Houston improv? Nope. All right. They're back-to-back on the books for me in the future. They are? Yeah. Hopefully. So there are clubs I've been playing for 25 years. Jesus, yeah. In fact—

The Addison Improv has been there for so long, there's actually a drawer of lineups they had in the 80s. Wow. One of the lineups I had was Diane Ford that I saw. It was headlining. You probably don't know who she is. Diane Ford? Yeah. I know who the name is. Yeah, Diane Ford's headlining. The feature – this is in 1990. Wow. It was Jeff Garlin. Wow. The emcee.

Judd Apatow. Wow. So I love looking at old – you know what I mean? I love shit like that. So you're going to meet a guy named Jeff Lala, and he runs all the improvs in Texas. And he's this old, crotchety, deep voice. He smokes a thousand cigarettes a day. Love this guy. But back in the 80s, he told me that I used to –

I used to pick Ellen at the airport. We used to drive from club to club. I used to stay at these shitty hotels, and she used to do the roads, one-nighters. So Ellen is an old-school comedy workhorse. Yeah, she's been around for a long time. Yes. And she had put in some road time. Yes. Right? But now I hear stories about how some people, she has a rule, some people can't lock eyes with her.

Or like Steve Harvey, you heard about that too about on his show. They had a memo, don't lock eyes with Steve Harvey. You know what I mean? Well, that was a whole controversy. He didn't want people coming into his office asking questions. I know, but where do you – how come some people are like that and then some people like – I've met James Corden, all these other younger guys. They're not like that. How do you become like that? People feed it.

Why are you smirking when I'm talking like this? Because this is controversial? No, no, no. No, it's not. You think we'll get in trouble? No. Why? You didn't say anything. I didn't say anything wrong. No. What I'm smiling about is the idea that I don't know if that is true. I've heard rumors. Yeah, you hear things. You hear things from people that have said that Ellen has a very particular set of rules when you work with her. Yeah. Okay? Okay.

I can't comment because I don't know. Yeah, either. I shouldn't have brought it up. But based on but based on what I know. Yeah, that sounds like a really fucked up thing to do to people. Why do people get away with it in Hollywood? Because they let them and it's all and it's all good.

People, because an assistant will put up with it and it perpetuates the nonsense. Yeah. That's why Hollywood people get to act like brats. Yeah. I worked on a show. I've worked on many things with unbelievable brats, people that do crazy shit, have people fired, yell at people. Someone I worked with was yelling at the fucking EPs in the parking lot in front of everyone going, I'm the cunt. So I'm the cunt.

Yeah. Didn't lose her job. Right. Nothing happened. I love watching fights on set. Oh, it's fucking awesome. It's my favorite. It's fucking awesome. Because you get this like – because I get into this thing where my body goes like this. It vibrates. It vibrates because I'm in shock. Yeah. You don't know how to react. Yeah. So when like people are screaming at each other on a set, my body just goes –

And I focus in on it. Oh, yeah. And I go, what's going on? What's happening? Is this going to end? When is this over? Yeah. Like I love like this wasn't a big deal, but like on Splitting Up Together, I could hear some of the producers raise their voice at Jenna Fisher about something, which I don't want to get into. Right, but you should. But a little bit of raising the voice. They yelled at her, what did she do? A little bit. What did she do? I'm not going to say. What did she do?

Did she say, when this is over, I'm starting a podcast? And they were like, no! No, no, no. I don't know what it was. I do, but I don't want to say it! Okay, it's fine. I don't want to say it. But what was it? You fucker. But they were going... You were vibrating. Yeah, vibrating, yeah. Did she yell back? No, she's a sweet girl. She's very balanced. She is a sweet lady. I like her a lot. You know what? I think, to answer what you were saying, people are like that before they got famous. It just exacerbated it.

So whatever those things are, they come out much worse because you know people that have had shoot-up rocket careers, and some of them are the same and some of them aren't. You know the season finale was last night for Modern – or the series finale for Modern Family. Yeah. And –

Though everyone but Ed O'Neill, Sofia Vergara, okay, but everyone besides Ed O'Neill wasn't a famous actor on that show. I know. Not a one of them. I know. Okay? Yeah. They rocketeered to the sky. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. I would be interested to know which of them have dynamically changed the most.

Well, yesterday I texted Stone Street. Yeah, because your friends were there. Yeah, because I sent him the fucking Instagram thing. I know. He liked it. No, I'll tell you what he texted back. Stone Street says, basically, you're disgusting. What did I say to you? You said, Santino, you said, God, so gross and funny. What time tomorrow?

You went right to business. Yeah, well, I just was like, this is awesome. I was thumbing through it. Yeah, I would have to say, because I only know Stone Street. So he went from just a regular actor to through the roof. Yeah, I met Stone Street when I was a commercial actor. I know, yeah, we played that commercial. Yeah, yeah. And then one day he goes, I got the show, right? Yeah. And can I tell you what kind of a guy Stone Street is? Yeah.

I'm going to get emotional. Please don't. So Stone Street's on his third year on Modern Family. And they're shooting... I forget what lot is it. It's not Radford. It was Paramount. Yeah, weren't they... No, no, weren't they at... Aren't they on Fox? They were on Fox. Yeah, it was at Fox. On the Fox lot. It was Fox, yeah. It was Fox. Yeah. And I remember... Sony. It was at Sony. Sony, Culver City. It was Sony, yeah. Sony. Warner Brothers. I don't know what the fuck it is, man! Ha ha ha!

But I remember having an audition for some sort of series, right? Right. And I was like – at that moment in my career, I didn't have Tiger Bell or anything and I didn't have Kalilah and I was so desperate to get a job. Yeah. Right? And I remember walking – you know how you – when you audition for a show like that, you have to go through the gate, right?

And then you have to make that three-mile walk to whatever fucking building it is. You have a pass, and they're like, you know where to park? And you're like, yeah, where? And they're like, nine miles that way, and you got to walk over there. And it's like walking through first class when you're a coach because you have to walk through people that are already on a show. And they're staring at you. Well, yeah. So Modern Family was shooting a scene, and I was walking past it like really fast because I knew I didn't want Eric to see me. But he fucking saw me. So Stone Street goes, hold up a second.

And he follows me to the audition. No. Right? Yeah. So I'm sitting there in the audition in this little lobby room, right? He opens the door and he tells everyone. He looks at me and he goes, Bobby. I go, what the fuck, dude? He goes, it doesn't have to be perfect. I go, what do you mean? Your audition.

Just get the gist. It's okay to make a mistake. That's nice. Right? It doesn't have to be perfect. That's very nice. And he walked out because he wanted me to... I didn't get it, but... I didn't get it. Yeah. But I remember having an okay audition because...

He – you're right because when I sit there, for me, I go, if I don't have this down word for word … Oh, you were being – you're a panic attack. I was having one of those times in my career where I was so desperate that I had to kill it. And he took a lot of that pressure away by saying that. By just being a friend. Yeah. And so – and here's a guy that's – he had already won I think his first Emmy at the point at that time. I mean season three they were fucking rolling hot. Rolling, yeah. So he was killing it. So …

I don't see that he changed at all. He's a grade-A dude. I love him. He's a great guy. That's good to hear. I love him. That's good to hear that some— Look, there's people that I know that have gotten skyrocket fame and haven't changed. Yeah. Like, just not even a little bit. Not even—

They haven't even changed kind of how they live, which is even more unusual. There's some people I know that they made a ton of money. They did a lot of stuff. And they're kind of the exact same person. Yeah. And I think the top of that list for me, and I don't even know him, I think Galifianakis is— Oh, God. He's the best.

Oh, he's the fucking best. He drives a Subaru still, his same Outback. That's the kind of guy where you're like, oh, he's the... Where Jerry Seinfeld has 90 Porsches and someone like Zach has one Subaru, it speaks volumes over like... Yeah. I don't really need stuff. A couple years ago, I was in a movie called... By the way, it's fine to own 90 Porsches. I don't give a fuck. I would like them. Keeping up with the Joneses that was in that movie. Yeah, you did that? Yeah, I was in that movie. I auditioned for that. Did you? Didn't get it. Yeah, I'm in it.

I did a couple rewrites on it, actually. I'm in it. And it was bad. Pretty good scenes. Movie was bad. Shut the fuck up. Movie was bad. Watch the movie. Movie was bad. I have a really funny scene. Movie was bad. Anyway, so I'm in Georgia. Yeah. Atlanta. And as soon... I know. What? Georgia. Atlanta. You think I'm thinking about the country Georgia? I know where you are. Jules, don't laugh. Jules, laugh. Jules, laugh. I love it. Yeah. Go. Go.

And I remember – so the director wanted to see my outfit because I was in wardrobe. And the director wants to – you have to get in the van. You got to drive to set right now. I fucking hate that. Right? So I'm in this van, right? And I'm driving to set. And so I show up at set and the director comes up behind Video Village and goes, yeah, yeah. Okay, good. Right? But then Zach sees me and he goes, oh my god. He gives me a hug, right? And then the next day I'm shooting.

And you know how like the stars get a certain tent? Yeah, of course. So there was like a white tent. It was really hot, and they had these air conditioning things. They had me by the stable, right? The horse stable. Where you belong. Right? Yeah. And it was like – I didn't even get like a chair. It was just like I'm on a curb. I'm just smoking, right? Chain smoking. Chain smoking, right? And I remember Zach goes, dude, come on. White tent. White tent.

So I walk in the white tent, and Jon Hamm's there. Yeah. And I sit there with – they have a seat for me, and I just hang out with Jon Hamm and Zach because if it wasn't for Zach, obviously I wouldn't be there. Right. But he made me feel so comfortable. I have a photo on Instagram. We took a selfie or whatever. Of you and you three. Us three, right. And I just thought to myself, oh, you haven't changed. You're a good dude. Yeah.

It makes me like him fucking so much more. What a good dude. When I watched his live at the Purple Onion was one of the greatest specials I've ever seen in my life. Oh my God, I love that one. To this day, it's still... Let me tell you one quick story about a guy that I want to say that passed away last year. Last year? This year? Brody? The years get mixed up. Brody? No, no, no, no. There's an actor named Robert Forrester. Do you know who that is? Of course I know Robert Forrester. Okay, Forrester was on... I'm dying up here. He played the father of one of the characters that passed away. Are you sure he was on it? Yeah. Okay.

Mr. Forrester, rest in peace, who's now passed away. One of the most telling things I think I've ever seen in my entire life. He was wrapped. He was done. And as he left, he went up to every single person. I'm not kidding. And he handed them a letter opener.

That was like a custom letter opener from him to something simple, but it was a heavy, heavy, nice letter opener. And he's like, just a piece of my gratitude. And he handed it to every single person. Dude, there was a shitload of people that worked on that fucking show. Right. And he handed one to everybody and said, thank you. And that was the last time I ever saw him. Then he passed away. I still have the letter opener in my drawer today, but I was, I spoke volumes. The guy who's been in the business for probably, I don't know, 40, 50, who fucking knows? Yeah.

And he still gave a goodbye gift. That's meaningful as fuck. Have you ever given a goodbye gift? What the fuck am I going to do with a letter opener? Open fucking letters, Bob. I've never gotten a letter in my life. You don't get letters? I get letters all the time. You know what I would go? I'd go, fuck you, Forrester. Bob. Is it a dull knife? What is this? It's a dull knife. I'd be grateful. It was very sweet. Is it engraved or no? Mm-hmm.

That's real nice. It says, fuck the Koreans. That's real nice. It was sweet, though. Have you ever given a gift goodbye? No. No, but I have given Christmas gifts. I was so, this is so cheesy. This is so gross. What did you give? So the first year I was on Mad TV, nobody liked me. No shit. No, because they would tell me. Producers would tell me, like, just don't go into that office. They don't like you.

It was not liked. Right. Yeah, I had this weird kind of – I was so scared and frightened that it came out in the weirdest ways. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I see you do it.

You do? Yeah, you do it all the time. Fuck you. When you get scared or fucked up, you do weird shit. So yeah, I'm really strange. Like I couldn't like talk to people and I would try to make jokes and nobody liked me. It was just desperate. I was desperate to get on because they wouldn't put me in sketch. I was desperate. So I spent – and I didn't even get that much money, but one paycheck I got, it was like we got $4,500. Wow.

That was for a week of work. A week of work, right? Which is good money, but in showbiz, not. Not showbiz, right. Right, right. So, and then what you get with taxes and your agents and managers, you get $2,000. But I spent the whole fucking thing on Christmas gifts because I was so desperate. For people to like you? For people to like me, right? And I would write letters to people that I knew didn't like me. Thank you so much. You know what I mean? What was the gift?

I got everyone different things. Like I went specific. Like I'm going to buy this person wine because I think they like wine. That's a lot. And I did it. And I remember going to each and then giving it to people. And then they're going – I'm going, thanks. Thanks.

You know what I mean? They have to. Yeah, they can't hate you. Accept it. But I just remember me being so needy and just going, here you go from my bottom. I think happy holiday. Do you like me? Yeah. Oh my God. Can you put me in a sketch? I wish I hadn't done that. What was the most expensive thing you bought? I bought like a first generation iPod or something like that for like a producer that I knew that didn't like me. Did he like you after? But then what happened was there was a magazine. There was an Asian magazine where I called everyone out.

What's the Asian magazine called? It was called – Noodle Weekly? Either Korea Am or it was something like that. And I remember it was the first year I was on Mad, and I remember calling people out specifically. This writer, you know what I mean, hasn't written me a single sketch. And I remember coming to work, and one of the – Dick Blasucci, one of the producers going, we have a problem coming into the conference room. And I walk into the conference room, and there's a stack of these magazines that

And like six people that called out, they go, hash this out. Hash this out right now. And I'm like, what the fuck? How did you know? Yeah, how would they know? This is before the internet. Yeah, how the fuck would they know about some Korean magazine? Because one of them got it. No, one of them, somebody told. Someone. Yeah, I don't know how, but they did. And it was so. Do you have to apologize? No, I didn't.

I'm like, no, no, because I go – I was defensive. I go – because listen, I know I'm not a Second City guy. I know that you guys write for only Second City guys. Right. Right? I'm a comic. I don't know how to fucking do this thing, right? And I know that I wasn't good. I wasn't good. I was terrible at table reads, and I was so bad at rehearsals. I'd never been on a show before, so I would just like –

I was scared. Yeah. You were learning. I learned to do everything on that show. And you're grateful. And it took me years. Yeah. Right? But eventually I learned. But I remember defending myself. I go, yeah, but they did do these things. Right? What did the people say? And they were like yelling at me. Dude, you're new on the show. Shut the fuck up.

You know what I mean? Who are some of the writers? Do you remember who they are? I don't want to get into it. Come on. No, I'm not doing this. It's in the past. I don't give a fuck. You're trying to call me out and I'm going to get in trouble again. We'll be right back after these messages. No, what do you mean? It's in the past. You mentioned the writers before. No, no, no. Are they still writing? Yeah. They're all killing it. Name one of them that you love. All the writers that I did love? Give me the one that you called out that you actually really like.

Okay, so there was a couple of writers on the show that didn't like me at first, but over the years of being me on the show, they became allies, and they wrote me the best sketches I've ever been on. That's huge. Yeah. Do you still work with any of them now? No. That's huge, too. But I love them dearly. I miss them, and I think they're super talented. And actually, one of them— Are they Harvard guys? Yes.

They're groundlings guys. But they always have a couple of Harvard writers and stuff. Yeah, yeah. These guys were groundling guys. Yeah. But I can talk about – I had some allies as well on the show early on. What actors were allies? When I first got on the show. Michael McDonald, was he an ally? No, he hated you, huh? I think he did, yeah. Does he hate you now? I love him. Love him to death. I didn't talk to him for years. How about Sass?

He was the only one. He's the only one? Him and Mo Collins. Him and Mo. Yeah. Alex Borstein was on her way out. You know who she is? Yeah. Yeah. So Borstein was very nice to me. Do I know who she is? I don't know. She's massively famous. Yeah. So Borstein was super sweet. Yeah. And she would give me pointers and this and that. But it was really Will. Sasso was the one that really- Will was the only one that was like, come over to the house. I'm having barbecue. Yeah.

Or let's go to this party. So I went, I did a bunch of shit, and then I betrayed him. What did you do? When he left the show, I started getting popular on the show. And then for like a three or four year period, he would text me all the time. I would never return his text. Piece of shit. That's a piece of shit thing. Why would you do that? Is he okay with you now? Oh, yeah. We're very good friends. But I mean, what was the makeup point that you said, I'm sorry, I got ahead of myself? It was when my career wasn't doing well. And...

It was not doing well. And I had been friends with D'Elia. But D'Elia – I had friends with D'Elia and Callan. Yeah. And this is when they were doing 10-minute podcasts. Right, those three. And so they would hang out together. And then they invited me – they were going to Coffee Bean in Los Feliz.

And I met Will there as well. And I made my amends. I told him I loved him. And then we became friends again. That's really nice. Yeah. Well, I mean, you for a long time, dude, as long as I've known you, you did have a lot of phone problems.

You had a lot of phone issues. You were not good for a long time at texting back and stuff. You know that's true. Yeah, but I've... We've bitched about it in the past. I'm better now. You're much better. You know why you're better? Why? It's one person. Who? It's a girl. Kalilah? Mm-hmm. That's not why. She's made you better.

Not in the – I've been dating her for seven fucking years, and in the last six months, I've been fucking being better at texting back. It was because when my dad died and I went to that place and I got sober again is what I – it was a part of my – it's a part of my being present and being accountable. Who was there the whole time? You redheaded freak. Who was there to work you through it? Kalilah was there the whole time. I love her. Who was Kalilah?

You fucking rip your eyebrows off. Whenever I get a text back from you. By the way, I got two separate texts the other day. One from Bobby and one from Kalilah. Maybe the funniest, and I'm not kidding. I laughed harder that afternoon than I've laughed in, and I mean this, in years. Bobby sent me a picture of his cock resting on his balls above his pants. He was doing over the fence. Everyone knows over the fence. Through the gator, over the fence. But it's over the fence. His balls were overhead the top of his boxers and his dick was resting on it.

And he's going like this. It's far away, and you kind of have to focus in to see his penis because the focus in the picture is up here. And then you look down. Of course, there's his penis. And I laughed because I've seen his penis, and that's very funny. Within seconds, I get another text from Kalilah. It's the same picture from a different angle, and she just writes, from a different angle. LAUGHTER

She took a photo of me taking the selfie. It made me laugh so fucking hard to get another perspective of the exact same photo. Yeah. It just made me, it just was like, that's, that's real love. When you send a picture of your penis to your buddy and your girlfriend goes, I'm going to get a picture of you getting a picture of your penis and send it to the friend that you're sending. It was very thoughtful. I only send those dick pics to you and D'Elia. I know, because I can handle it. He doesn't like that shit. He'll go, I'll tell you what his response was. It's right here. So D'Elia said, um,

There he is right there. So he goes... Do you ever have to see this stuff, Jules? Do you ever have to see his penis and all that stuff? No. No, that's gross. So it says... But I've seen his... You've seen his butt. Shut up, Jules. You've never seen my asshole. Have you seen my butt? Have you? Speaking of the mic, have you really seen his butt? Yeah. When did you see my butt? When you performed somewhere. Oh, yeah, on stage. Yeah, no shit. Yeah, everyone's seen that, Jules. Come on. Still uncomfortable for her. So I'm going to cover this. So I said, thinking of you, and he goes, damn it, Bobby!

That's usually in this book. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but he gets the joke. He doesn't love those jokes, but he gets them. Yeah, he does get it. Yeah, he gets them. Chris has a good sense of humor. He's a fucking good boy. When we have dinner, he always goes, can Toki do a show? And I always go, okay. So we'll be at like swingers or something. Rest in peace. Rest in peace swingers. And I will pull my dick out at the table, right? And I'll stretch out the skin. Bat wings. Yeah, and Toki the Dum Dum will do like a little acapella.

You know what I mean? Hello, my name is Spooky Talky Dun Dun. Hello. You know what I mean? I do a little thing, and they just laugh and laugh and laugh. It's the gift that keeps on giving. When do you think you'll stop doing stuff like that? Never. You mean like 60s and 70s? I'm 48 now. Who gives a shit? You're 48? Yeah. Holy shit. How old are you? Fuck you, Bobby. 40. Fuck you, Bobby. Are you 42? What are you? You know I'm below 40. Are you 38? Yeah.

Lower. 36? Lower. You are? Lower. 35? Lower. 34? Lower. 33? Lower. Just tell me now. 31. You're only 31? No, Bobby. That's impossible. I'm not. I know. That's impossible. I'm 36. That's impossible. I'm 36. Are you really? You're a fucking asshole. Yeah, I wanna look it up. I am. I'm 36. I wanna look it up. Why do I care? Well, just tell me the truth. You brought an illegal Filipino child in here. I can say whatever the fuck I want. Let me look at this Andrew Santino. I'm 36. I'm 36.

Andrew Santino. I was born in 83. The internet will tell you the truth. Yeah. 80s baby. God, you're 48. When I first fucking moved here. You're 36 years old. Yeah, I'm 36. It's so funny when you put Andrew Santino, the first photo that goes up is, and then it says 48 right here.

Fuck you. What's Andrew Santino's age, right? Yeah. 36. Look at the first photo. You. Yeah. And it says 48. Well, you know why it says you 48? What? Because people know that we're in love.

And people want to associate love with their buds, with their pals. The old 40. It has all the people, huh? Yeah, it does like suggested searches on stuff like that. Yeah, yeah. I don't like shit like that. You know what's been doing a lot? You know what I talked about? I'm not going to say it, but I talked about something recently doing something to my house. I was like, I really need to get this done before the summer. So hopefully I can get this done in the meantime with all this shit. Instagram. Every day. Ad for it.

An ad for it. Pops up on my Google searches now. What is it? I can't say it. Just say it. I can't. Just fucking say it and we'll cut it out. 15 jet hot tub. 15 seat hot tub. It's a boat. I want a boat for my house on the roof. No, but now the ads are coming up. Let me ask you something. Yeah. On Instagram, because I just, all the ads that I get,

Right? For some reason are about cats. Yeah, but if you talk about cats. Like cat beds. Yep. Cat toys. Why does it – how does it know that I like cats? Do you search for cute cats when you – do you do searches for cats on Instagram? Do you ever look at cat profiles? I follow about 20 cat profiles. What the fuck else do you need to know? What?

Oh, it does that? Of course. It knows. So if I start, let's say if I start following hamburgers. Yep. It'll give me grill ads. Anything thereof. Anything around there. Oh.

I follow a couple of car Instagram things. Yeah, so you get car ads. So not only that, it's really even below that. It goes even deeper. There's a guy named Matt Watson who's on a thing called CarWow, which is a YouTube channel. I get suggestions every day to follow him on Instagram.

I don't get a lot. That's how it's algorithms. Algorithms are deep. But it goes to the weirdest crevice. Yeah. Sometimes it goes to places where I'm like, how would you even know that I'd be interested in that? By the way, I am. Ask Jules. So I've ordered probably 10 cat products of Instagram. So it's working. No, it's not because I've paid for them. Yeah. They say they've arrived at my house. There's none in the house.

You're just getting robbed? I don't know. 15 of them. The little controlled mouse thing. The salmon that flips up and down. Oh, the salmon that flips. I think that's a funny ad. I've seen that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've bought all that. I bought a cat window thing where you put it on the bed. Have you followed the tracking on anything? Yeah, arrive, and it says it's arrived. Maybe is it going to your old place? No. No?

None of it is... And I asked her. She was there. I had a meltdown over it one day. Is that true? Yeah. He got angry. Why? What happened? We're so much catchy! Let me hear from Jules. What happened, Jules? We were driving and then he told... Get closer to the mic. We were driving and then he asked Atikolaila to help him. And then Atikolaila said that I'm doing something else. And then he got really mad. And he threw a fit? Yeah. And he said that...

You don't want to help me. You make me sound like I'm the bad guy. And then I think I got mad and yelled at him. What did she say to him? I forgot. Did she cuss at him? Yeah, I think so. It was a fight. It was a fight. A real fight. A real fight. That's a real fight over cat stuff. It's okay. I just want my cat shit. I know, baby. I know you want your cat stuff. Do you want me to start buying it and see if it comes to me?

I already spent all the money on it. Well, can you follow? I got bamboo pants. I bought these bamboo pants. All right, here we go. If there's any cat companies out there that make cool cat stuff, will you please send some to Bob, please? I just want the salmon one. I want the little remote control mouse one. He wants the floppy salmon, the remote control mouse, and the window hammock. Can we get that stuff, please? Whoever does any of the cat stuff. Yeah. I already paid for them, so give it to me. Just give it to him, will you? Yeah. What a good day today. This has been a good day.

I want to thank Ted Munns for our amazing new art. We're going to hang up the other signs when we get a chance. It's been a great day. Please stay safe. Say that. Please stay safe. You know, I'm going to say, let's not end right now. Let me just say some quarantine advice, okay? Okay. I know dudes now, personally, that are dying from it. You do? Yeah. You know?

Not personally, but I know... I don't know them personally, but... Like, John Prine just died. Yeah, that's really sad. I love that guy. Yeah, rest in peace, man. He's awesome. The lead singer from fucking Fountains of Wayne died. Wait, really? Yeah. He did? Yeah. Holy shit.

So, you know, I want to sink. And then when people go, well, yeah, you know, the weak are going to die. It's like we don't. Adam wouldn't have died if he had the flu. You know, it's so funny. They still have gatherings. They say it's gatherings of 10 or more. So there's people that are still getting together groups of 10 that have to be around other people.

Have you seen this preacher? There's a preacher that did— Oh, yeah, in Tampa Bay. He did like 1,500 people or something? Churches are still going on in Louisiana and Florida. What was his name? Do you know what his name was? He was arrested. Yeah, he had a gathering of 1,800 people. No, that's not the guy, though. Oh, yeah, yeah, here it is. Yeah, this guy. This is— That guy. Yeah, holding church services, stay-at-home order.

Look at this guy. Look at this guy's face. That's Jesus Christ. He's a very good preacher, though. One of my favorites. Let me tell you something. But in Louisiana, they're still holding church services. God, I can't. Why are they doing that, man? Because of Jesus. I know. I tweeted about it. This woman had said, did you see this on Twitter? I'd said this woman was like, I'm covered in Jesus's blood. It's never going to affect me. Have you seen this?

I've seen a lot of videos like this. This is ridiculous. I mean, people think that that's going to save them. But what they don't get is that I don't give a fuck what you do. Yeah. Okay? But your actions affect the rest of us. We were just attacked. Hong Kong edition. I'm covered in Jesus' blood. I'm covered in Jesus' blood. I'm covered in Jesus' blood. That's a good song. I'm covered in Jesus' blood.

That's a great song. That's a great remix to it. This woman, though, she goes, I'm covered in Jesus' blood. They're not going to kill me. They're not going to get me. What an insane idea to be like, I'm fine. Stay safe. Do the best that you can. Thank you for being a bad friend.