You Are Always With You 01:21:07

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First of all, I grew up a Catholic, so you don't fucking know. Not that kind of spirituality. Yeah, well, that fucks you up. It makes you not want to be spiritual. More namaste spirituality. Namaste is hard to get to when your Catholicism is your youth. But what I'm saying is that can you at least be open to it or no? Do some meditation. No, because as a young Catholic, you learn to not be open. If you're open, that's when you get caught.

You gotta change, man. You gotta fucking change. Clinch it and bury it. That's what I'm asking you. Clinch and bury. No, no, no. Clinch and bury. Clinch, bury. Because people like me are gonna get affected. Clinch your butt, bury your emotions. Because people like me are gonna get affected, right? By me. One day you're gonna snap, right? And then I'm gonna be the one that's shot. You two are bad. Who are these two idiots? Woo!

I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Oh, you two are something. We're bad friends. Jules, are you ready to start? She doesn't give a fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She doesn't want to be here. Isn't it crazy that you brought a 14-year-old girl to the studio? Yeah, well, I don't know if it's crazy. It's not my fucking daughter.

What do you mean it's not your daughter? You think that fucking... You think that person right there is my fucking daughter? That's not your kid? No, it's fucking Julia... Juliana is... That's... Wait, you're male... That's Rudy Giuliani? You look good, Rudy. Rudy Giuliani. Rudy! That's her nickname. Her nickname is Rudy. Yeah. Rudy! Let me call you Rudy. So, my sister's older sister, Honey...

Honey. Honey. She's a Filipino lady, and she lives in the Philippines, and she had her oldest daughter is Juliana. You're the oldest daughter of all the girls. How old are you?

She's 14. Are you really 18? Yeah, she's 18. That's why people go over there because you can't tell how old they are. Right. That's why white weirdos go over there. Yeah, they go over there, right? Because you can't tell how old they are. Yeah. Here's my wife, and you think she's 8. She's like, I'm 46. I'm 39. So you're 18. Are you in school? Straight A's. What are you now? Is it senior year of high school? What is it? What? Junior year. Is there a mic over there or no?

No, because, well, George had it, but we don't. Do you want her to have the fucking mic that George had? No, no, no. We set it on fire. I burned it outside. Oh, you did? Yeah, we had a fucking ritual. What I want to say, though, is that I feel like you're breaking down. I'm having a breakdown. I'm having an emotional and mental breakdown. Because even today, you acted like a little bitch on the phone. No, I didn't act like a bitch. I wanted to set this up. I know, but what I'm saying is that you know what you opened with?

Usually when you call somebody, you open with, hey, how's it going? Whatever. You went, how come you haven't been calling me back? You're not going to return my text? Like you're my little fucking side bitch. No. First of all, what I am is – Don't get angry. I'm your organizer. But say it in an adult-type way. Okay. All right? We have an adult relationship. We're friends. Okay. Here we go. All right? So say it in a very mature way.

First of all, I'm not your bitch. Okay? I'm not your bitch. Okay? I am trying to organize this podcast because you didn't want to do it via satellite. We tried twice to try to do that. Right? It didn't work. So we're in the studio together. For people at home, we're six feet apart, six plus feet apart. Okay? We've all been quarantined. So we're doing this as safe as we can. No one's coughing. No one has fever. And I was trying to set this up. This was hard. And you didn't text me back. The next time I call you, why don't you just rub your little coochie?

You know what I want to hear when I call you? Hello, Andrew. I want to hear your little fucking coochie, you little bitch. So stop acting like that. You know who you're acting like? A friend of ours. All right. That's what you're acting like. And I want to say this. Take it back. Take it the fuck back. I'm serious. Take it back or I'll get mad. I'll kick this fucking thing over and we'll have a fight here. I want to say this. You're not like him or this person that we know, but today you acted just like him. Okay. Well. Okay. Take it back. I'm not going to take it back.

All right. I'll throw this on you. If you fuck you, don't do that. Why? I brought my fucking air gun. Do you have the gun for real? No, I don't. Don't. All right. Hey, but just stop acting like that. I came in hot because we needed to do this. Look, for people at home, let's inform the audience. We tried to do this via satellite. It was fucking. A fucking wreckage. You know what? Let's, we'll give you a piece of it right now. Tell me you have lots of those pairs of pairs or is that just the same one? I just have the same one.

That's just the same. That's not like you, you don't have like 10 of those colors. You just have that one pair of that one that I always see. I have one pair of underwear. Okay. No, don't look. No. Yeah. This is hard to do. I fucking hate this. I hate it too. It's just, it's just not efficient. I can't feel you. I can't feel a vibe from you. Yeah. I can't feel your negative energy.

Not being negative at all. I need to feel it in the room. So we just cut to a clip of how awful our interaction was on there. It was fucking terrible. It was the worst. Here's why it was the worst. Me and you are great when we're together. If I'm separate, we couldn't—it wasn't working.

It just – there was no rhythm. I couldn't really feel you. You looked like you were far away. Kalilah kept popping in in the background and trying to figure out what was going on. My fucking people know, right? If there's a phoner – like if I have to go on the road back in the day and they go, well, can you do a – because you're not going to be in town, but they want you to do this radio show on the phone. I go, I'm not going to do it.

do it. I can't do it. Because I need to go in the room and I need to make fun of people. Yeah, the only way that you're going to get any good rhythm comedically in those regards, especially something like this, is if I can feel you. I can't do, you know, and I stopped doing TV. I can't do TV anymore either. I won't do morning shows. Oh, you won't? No. You're probably really weird on them. I'm so uncomfortable. I would love

I'd love to see that. You fuck with the hosts. I've seen what you do on Morning Show. I can't do that. Why? Because I don't want to be there. I'm so annoyed that I have to be there. Look. It's so funny because I go back to a city, right? And when I show up, I go, what's his name? And then every time I go back, they always go, yeah, that person didn't want to do it again. Yeah, they quit because of you. No, but you weirded them out. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, you weirded them. So that's my fucking goal. I lock up. Is to weird them out.

out enough so that they one day go, we don't want them. Well, a bunch of comics did it. Like, Segura had a run of stuff that he did. So everyone did that. But then when I would go, I would just feel so...

It's so disingenuous to begin with. I just felt like, here, you be the morning host and I'll be me. Hey, welcome back to Philadelphia in the Morning. We've got, oh, a very funny comedian from the Joe Rogan podcast and from his mixology. What a great actor he is on that. Andrew Santino. How are you, Andrew? I'm great. That show's not on the air anymore. I do have another show that's on right now, and I have my own podcast. So thanks for having me on. Ha ha.

Very good. Very good. Tell me about yourself. I'm from Chicago, Illinois, and I'm on the road right now doing stand-up. Great. Are you like Jerry Seinfeld? Do you know Jerry Seinfeld? Fuck! Fuck!

That's I lose my I can't do it. I that's you know, some people say they have social anxiety when they get out around crowds. They get uncomfortable. Polar opposite. When I'm in a room with someone like doing that thing. Yeah, I crumble on the inside. Right. I can't handle the anxiety goes through the roof when somebody's like, so do you do any relationship material? I don't know how to get away from it. I don't know how to because I can't be mean because then I look like an asshole.

Because you know, even when I'm not being mean, I sound mean. Yeah. Right? Like, ask me what kind of jokes I do. Here. So, I love the comedy. I watch it on Netflix. I love the comedy. Wonderful. What kind of jokes do you do? Do you talk about relationships? Most of it is just me...

Most of... Fuck! No, but I love it when you... I lose it. I love it when you comedians do your impressions. Oh, right. You do a very good Christopher Walken or a... You do a Donald Trump impression. I actually do an impression of you. I've actually... What is it? Please do it. I don't know how to do it. You know what I want to do? I sound like an asshole every time I talk to them. This is what I want to say. Ask me. Okay. Okay.

Welcome to New Jersey's Finest WKQM here in the morning. Today with me is Mr. Bob Lee. Bobby Lee is a comedian actor. We love this guy. We love this guy. Now, a Mad TV's Finest. You've seen this guy. Mad TV's Finest. Bob, you're doing, how many shows are you doing here? You want to meet Toki? Uh-oh. Is this a Mad TV character? No, you want to meet Toki the Dum Dum? I would love to meet, who's Toki? And I want to pull my dick out and do a little fucking toot.

And then they have to go, oh my, cut the cameras, cut the cameras. That's what I want to do. When you pull out your penis, you want to pull out your penis as Tokifam? Oh my God, I would love to pull out my penis on a morning. I mean, I would probably get canceled. No. Yeah, but if I pulled out my dick in a morning news show, it would stay on the internet for life. But they would blur it. They wouldn't, first of all, they wouldn't put it out. Oh, it's live.

It's live. Yeah, but there's a delay. There's like a five second delay. Oh, there is? Yeah. But how about this? I think it'd be okay. It'd be appropriate to do if it was all men in the room. Don't you think? If it's all guys, don't you think it's okay? No, no. Why? It's just a bunch of buds. No. Have you ever pulled your penis out in front of a bunch of friends? Oh, yeah. Yeah. So it's just a bunch of buds. Yeah, that's true. Can I ask you a real question? Side note? Yeah. Did you ever masturbate with other guys when you were a young boy? Did you ever do that? Did you ever jerk off with other boys? So you did.

White people do this thing. White boys do sleepovers and boys will jerk off together. Something I had to learn. I didn't know. I can't talk about it. Yeah, you can. No. Bob. I've done weirder things than that. I know you have. Yeah. At sleepovers. Did you ever have a sleepover with other boys? Oh, yeah. What did you do? Come on, Bob. Bob, it's quarantine. People need to hear this stuff. Well, you know.

I did more than masturbate. I'll just say that. You have sex with other boys? No, no, no, no, no. Not anal intercourse. Did you kiss other boys' peepees? At a little sleepover? Did you have another boy kiss your peepee at a sleepover? Let's just put it this way. I had a dude. I can't say his name. Yeah. But... Say his name. No, there's no way. Say his name. He's got a family probably now. Say his first initial and then say his last... Never, never. Never and don't fucking do that. Say his first name and his last initial. No, no, no. I'm not going to do that. Mike F. Mike F.

Tony Tony. Let's just call it Tony Tony. Okay, Tony Tony. Tony Tony. Tony Tony. We'd be at a party. And he would just go, come here. How old? 14. Okay. He'd be drunk. Okay. You know what I mean? Come here. And you'd just go behind a tree and he'd make me blow him. He would just grab your head and make you blow him? Yeah, yeah. Just a buddy thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a buddy? I would do it. What do you say when it's over? Nothing. That's the great thing about it. You walk away? You pretend it didn't happen. Does he come?

No. So he's just like, you're sucking my penis. And then he's like, get out of here. What does he say? No, there's no get out of here. Because I'm not a bitch. Right. I'm a human being. I have dignity. You're not a bitch. He didn't just grab your head. I have dignity and I have ethics. Right. So he's not going to treat me like a fucking garbage human. Yeah, I'm not some garbage piece of shit. I'm a guy that just sucked your cock behind a tree. You do it and then you just kind of stand up. You don't really lock eyes. I look at the tree. Oh, you don't look at him in the face? He looks at the sky with a smile.

He'll just do this. And I'll look at the tree like, why did I just do that? And then we just go in, and I'll just go to the party and start dancing. Wow. Pretend like it didn't happen. And my mouth is still wet. How many other men made you kiss their penis? Three or four. Wow. Tony, Tony, Tony was. Tony, Tony. But he was the worst perpetrator, huh? He's not a perpetrator. It's not like he forced me to do it. He just goes. You just said he grabbed me. He made a suggestion, and I did it.

That's not – okay, he said – he made a suggestion. He said – he didn't ask. He didn't say, will you suck my cock? He just said, come here, and he made you do it. Come here and just grab the back of my head and come here. That's not a – that's a force. Yeah, but I could just pull – I have neck muscles. I could pull it back and go, no, and I can speak English. Bobby. What? You were forced. That was right. I'm not going there with you. I just went there. We're there. We're inside. We're right now. We're inside the room. I closed all the doors and the windows. You've never had a gay experience?

I think – I was thinking about that. The gayest experience I've had was like – as you were talking, I was like, do I have anything gay? Like that kind of stuff, nothing like that. No, but like at sleepovers, yeah. Like what? Boys will watch a porno and jerk off together. You've done that? Oh, yeah. But you don't – you're not looking at each other – like your dick is under a blanket. Yeah.

Everyone's pretending like they're not jerking off, but they're all jerking off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. White boys do that. White boys, yeah. White boys do that. But you don't see other guys' penises. Yeah. And you don't know that everyone's pretending they're not jerking off. I forget to – if I asked you, you were never molested, right? I was never molested. No, you've asked me that before. I've never molested, but one time I got an offer from a distant family member. How much money? Was it good money? $65. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I was never molested. Yeah. I know a kid. Obviously. I know a kid, and he revealed something to me. He goes, growing up— Somebody I know. I'm not even going to go there. Come on, Bob. Bro, we're not—this is not—we're not going to fucking out— This isn't live. We're not recording any of this stuff. We're not going to out people here. It's just a private thing that somebody had once told me about—it is somebody that you know— Yeah. —that he grew up in his—

He knew this multi-multi-millionaire in this town that he lived in. Yeah. And he would like text – not text but call him and go, I'll give you $200 if you just jerk me off. Right? And he would do it because he was a poor – he had a poor family. Oh, man. I know, but that's like if he's a millionaire, ask for more money. More money.

$200 is nothing. Yeah, grand. Start with grand. Start with one grand. Yeah. If I was poor in a town and – because, you know, I was molested for free. I got nothing out of it. Well, you got good stories. It's good for the body. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, yeah, you got nothing in return. Yeah, I got nothing. But if I were to get paid for it, I think it wouldn't have been at that –

As traumatic. What do you mean? You think it wouldn't have affected you as much? Hey, Bobby, how do you feel about it? I feel better, Bobby. Look at my new car or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. $200. And how many times did he do this?

I think he said about five or six times. And when he told me the story, I'm going to go, you should have asked for it. I got really kind of angry about it. When you have to jerk someone off like that for money, do you have to look them in the face? You just look away while you do it? Oh, that's what I would do. Oh, you would? I would look right him in the eyes. Oh, you'd stare him in the eyes. Because I'm a kid. I'm a kid. He's an adult. Yeah. And if you're jerking him off and looking him in the eyes, you know the guilt will set in. Oh, big time. Right. And if you're just like. How old was he, by the way, when this happened?

He must have been 12. Jesus Christ. Like her age. 12, 13. Yeah, 12, 13. 14. You know what? If I was 12, yeah. Just to fuck with them, I'd make baby voices the whole time. I'd go...

Just to fuck with him. Just because I know he's a piece of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if I needed the money that bad, and when I jerk him off and I would sing that song, I'd go, baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, baby shark, the whole time. Just to get it. So every time he heard that, it would be because he's a fucker. Dude, I said that today. Do you know this is a real statistic? This is going to blow your mind and make you sad. I'm not going to say who I got the information from because I don't want to out them, but you can look this up if you have access to it.

Since the quarantine, since all of this is going on, there was a projection that child trafficking was going to start to decline. It almost doubled. 1.8 times. How? Dude, how are these perverts finding? The fuck? I swear to God, it almost doubled. The statistics you can find online. I haven't seen a kid in three weeks. I know. I don't know. I've been looking for them. Where do you get them? I've been looking at them.

Online? I've been touring around the neighborhood with an ice cream truck. Yeah, with my van. Yeah. They're not around. Not around. No, dude, seriously. And I said yesterday, I said, where do perverts find, how do they find the time during this thing to get even worse? But then it made me think they're shipping kids from

Yeah. Philippines. Stuff like that where there's no – they need out. You know what I mean? Was she a – No, I don't know. I don't know if she was one of those, but she – hey, when I send you back – Yeah, when you go to – When I send you back, tell a – you should teach some sort of course, right, with Filipino children not to get abducted.

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I'm so fascinated by ladyboys. I think it's such a... What a fun culture. You know? I know. What a fun... And it's so accepted and promoted. When I was in Thailand and I was shooting a movie in Thailand...

And I had sex with a couple of prostitutes, regular ones. But one night I was just in the mood. You know how you get in the mood sometimes? Well, for what? For ice cream? For a walk? No, I just woke up with a tingling sensation. For dick? No, just in the mood. In a mood? Don't say the mood. The mood is different for you. I don't know. I never felt like that before. Okay. Since, you know, but I woke up and I went, you know what?

I'm in a mood. You're in a mood. And I am going to go down to the ladyboy town. And I walked around. And what happens is... I don't know if you've been to Tijuana. I've been to Tijuana multiple times, yeah. Where the kids come out of nowhere. The chicklet kids? Mister, I need money. But in fucking Thailand, right? They were like, Mister, I'll suck your dick, mister. And they were coming out of nowhere. And I had to like...

You know what I mean? Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Let me see. You know what I mean? Let me see your dick. Let me see the fuck out of your mouth. But for some reason, I was just like, I can't. I can't do it. I couldn't take that. You couldn't go through with the ladyboy thing? I can't take that extra step. But the ladyboy thing I'm okay with as long as they're of age. If you want to go have sex with a prostitute that's over 18, I'm fine with that. Yeah. The problem is a lot of those ladyboys are underage, right? Aren't they?

Yeah, see? That's my beef. That's gross. Fucking kids is gross. If you felt like fucking a ladyboy because you wanted to party because it was a nice Tuesday, I'm down as long as it's a grown-up. You are? I don't want to do it. If I told you that that's my thing, ladyboys, you wouldn't look down on me or make fun of me in that way? No. I've supported you our entire friendship with a lot of weird shit. I wouldn't look down on you at all. Thank you. That feels good. Not even a little bit. If it was of age...

I got a big problem with the kid thing. That's a weird... Why do you keep pointing at me and saying kids? I've never fucked a kid before. I'm just saying she keeps nodding off that, yeah, there's a lot of ladyboys that are little kids. There's a lot of kids. Yeah. No kids. Yeah. I don't care about the adult stuff. Adults can do whatever they want as long as they're grown adults. If adults are like, you know, I saw a guy on the internet yesterday. Somebody sent me a meme. There is like a whole...

This masochistic porn where guys will hang upside down from the ceiling on their penises and get hit. People hit them and stuff. And the woman spits on them. Dominatrix stuff. I know what dominatrix is. But hanging by their penis, that's a new thing. I've never seen that. I'm okay with all this stuff. Let me ask you something. As long as two adults are cool. I don't want to get in trouble out there, but I just want to propose an idea. Okay, propose. Why 18? Why 18?

Why is that in the number? Yeah, because you know a thousand years ago, whenever it happened in America, right? Yeah, it didn't exist. There was some sort of meeting, right? And a bunch of dudes got together and go, all right, let's make the— What kind of dudes? Just Christian white dudes. White dudes. A bunch of white weirdos. Let's make the legal age 18, and you know there was one guy in the back. Who goes? They go, 16? 16. Just throwing it out there. My wife is nine. Nine.

Could we maybe skew it lower in some places? Yeah. Well, you know, there's some states it's not 18. It's 17. There's certain states that it's not the legal. But why is it because of – why is 18 and 21 – Why are these numbers assigned? This is arbitrary. Okay. Is that the right word, arbitrary? Arbitrary is right. Yeah, they are arbitrary. But –

And I could be wrong. I'm not Joe Rogan. I don't know how to delve into these things. But what I think is— Yeah, I want to know your thought. I don't want the truth. Well, what I've heard is—I think it's because they say your growth of your brain activity and the development of your brain, when it hits 18, you kind of have developed your brain in full.

So you're no longer an adolescent. You don't have adolescence still. But what if somebody – let me propose this idea. Yeah. Are there 15-year-olds – I'm not saying. That are fully developed? Yeah, their brains – is there any way to check that?

Yeah, and what you're actually saying is, you know how they say women mature faster than men? So I bet you an 18-year-old boy is like a 14-year-old girl. So then you're good. I'll also propose that maybe there's 21-year-old women that their brains are not fully developed. Because I've met those as well. Most of them. No, I think what you're saying is right, though. Why are those the numbers? I don't know. But also, like—

Liquor is 21 here. Everywhere else it's 18, right? Yeah. Because the rest of the world thinks if you could fight and go shoot a gun for your country for war, I don't know why you wouldn't be able to drink alcohol. We do it, I think, because we binge more than other countries. Because back in the day, like in the early 1900s, kids...

10-year-old kids used to work in factories. Well, you also had a child at 15 years old. Right. So when did these laws and these rules come up? As we progress as society... All right, all right. That's all I'm asking. But we live longer. That's all I'm thinking. Oh, we live longer. We live much longer. You used to die at 35. Right. You would be a great grandpa. So you had to get your fucking in at 7. You had to knock it out at 7 or 8. Yeah, right, right, right. You had to go to work in the morning as an 8-year-old in the factory, get home, you'd pump your 6-year-old wife, you'd hopefully have a kid, and, you know...

And then you die by 30. Imagine those days when like in the – if you see Deadwood or before the 1950s, people would just do cocaine because it wasn't illegal. Yeah. Right? Imagine there was like a 20-, 30-year period where you can do heroin, opium, and it was completely legal. It was just kind of – people looked at it like as if I said – like how people smoke pot.

Yeah. It's legal now, but if somebody doesn't like pot and they see someone that smokes pot and they're like, I'm not really a fan. That's what heroin was like 100 years ago. For me, if you see old Western movies and TV shows, the Asian dude, there's three jobs Asian people have. Opium den. Opium den. Railroad. Laundry.

Laundry. Laundry. Railroad. Railroad, right. Those three. I would be opium then. You would. Come this way, Mr. Jones. Right? And they would sit there on the bed. Yeah. Smoke, be free, relax. And you know what I would do? What? I would smoke the opium and then it'd make you suck my dick. Yeah.

That place is amazing. Lee's fucking opium. Yeah. Jesus Christ. He blows you too for no reason. You force him to do it. He doesn't even say no. Yeah. Because what I would do is I would get people high. I would go through their shit. Right? Because they pass out. They fucking nod off. I would steal some shit. Right? And then I would probably smoke some of my own shit. No, you wouldn't.

No, you wouldn't because you would see the effect that it has on those people and you'd know that it would fuck you up. In fact, I think a lot of those opium dens were – weren't they controlled by the mafia? Weren't they controlled by like the – what's the – I wasn't around back then. I don't know, man.

But what's the new – the Yakuza? Isn't that the Japanese mafia? Yeah, but they were Chinese. I know. I know. I know, but I'm saying whatever the Yakuza was for China, they owned all the – The triad. The triad. Right. Didn't they own all those drug dens? Wasn't that their shit? I don't know if the Chinese mafia was around in the old west. Had to have been. What do you mean? I don't – because – Mafia is – Because I'll tell you why. Yeah? Is because –

The worst job that you could have as an Asian person back in that day, right, is railroad is one thing, right? But there was a division that had dynamite duty. Yeah, dynamite. And it was always the Chinese. Yeah. Right? So if they had mafia or some sort of union –

There would have been somebody that stepped up and goes, oh, no, we're not going to do that anymore. Right, right. Yes, I don't think there was anyone talking for us or there was any kind of mafia to help us. That just depends on how protected you are, right? Yeah. You can't protect everybody. I want to ask you this. This is a very serious moment, dead serious. Do you think –

Do you think the statistics that they're kind of skewing online and not really opening up about Asian people, specifically Chinese people getting attacked in public, do you think is a real thing? Do you think it's becoming a real problem? I'm being serious. I read a news article that said people are spitting on Chinese people now when they see them in public. I'm dead serious. Yeah, I mean, I don't— You think this is inflated or this is real? Listen, all I can talk about is—

my own experience and online and and the little bit i've been out i have not experienced any kind since the virus if you're out in public have you ever heard a racial slur no i i know we live in a very insular place here have you jules have you ever had someone no nobody nothing have you felt any negativity from other people when you go out in public or no because i think i'm sure it's real but here's the thing i've come with i come with my experiences with

before this event. Yeah. And I do have feelings about that, but those feelings haven't changed. I still believe there are massive amounts of people in America that are racist. Sure. Right? In the middle, some in the middle, some in the south. No, you're not. No, I'm not. You're absolutely not. No, I know. Yeah, so that I come with. So I think those people are maybe extra racist during this time period. But it's like, I don't know if...

racism has clicked up. Right. Because that's what a lot of this stuff says. They say like Trump's rhetoric is making people more racist. You know, they're saying because they called it the Chinese virus, which we joked about before and the Kung flu. It's like, is he making people more racist? And I think you're not going to be more racist than you already were a fucking racist. Yeah. And I don't think this is like imploring people to go do more racist shit. If you're a dumb

that's a racist, you were going to do whatever you were going to do because you're – I don't think this changes things. That's my point. I just don't – I don't think so. But I do think that maybe people are more – it gives them power to be more vocal about their racism. Sure, yeah. So I think that that could be the case. They could post on their Facebook to all their creepy friends like fucking goddamn fucking jinx again, and they get away with it because now –

Because of now what's going on. And no one gets on them about it because people around them that think like they do go, yeah, fucking Chinese. So it loops. So maybe – They do believe that for some reason or another because of who's in charge, it's given power to the – before you were able to hide the shit. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yay. Our president's number one on Facebook. Yeah.

Number one. Number one on Facebook. What number are you on Facebook? I don't care. We're in a pandemic. Listen. I'm not on Facebook. I know, but when he said that, I laughed. I'll tell you why. When he said, I'm number one on Facebook? Yeah, yeah. When he said that, right, Trump, I imagined, right, some guy hooked up to a respirator, right, in a hospital going, good job. Yeah.

That's awesome. I don't know why, but that just came – Yeah. You know what I mean? One paralyzed guy being excited. Here's the thing is that regardless if he's – I don't know if he's a good president or a bad president, but it's like, hey, man –

There's just a time to say something and there's a time not to. That's the thing. It's like instinctually, I want to post certain things, but I call other people. Well, you ask Kalilah before you post, right? Yeah, I'll go, Kalilah, do you think this is weird? And she'll go, no, dude, that's just so fucking narcissistic. Why would you post that? You go, you're right. Who's the comic that you call before you tweet something?

Is there someone that you call for black stuff? It's Ian Edwards. Yeah. He's my guy. Yeah. I'm not kidding. I'm either. Ian Edwards is my guy. If I have a tweet that might be racist, I always go, is this racist? And he will genuinely go, yeah, no, that's fucked up. One night I was at the improv. I was at the improv and I'm not going to say who's, I'm not going to say who it was, but there was a buddy, a comic who I'm friends with, black comic who was on stage.

And, you know, look, it's a typical thing in our culture that we joke about that black guys run the light on standup shows. It's just a joke. It's not a joke. No, but it's a scientific. It's a fact, but it's a joke. It's a joke with us. Right. We always joke about it. Yeah. Black comics usually run the light. I don't care that it's not racist. That's a fact. If you're a comic, it's something we joke about. Right. Mexicans do it, too. Yeah, but they deserve it.

Oh, they give him a little time. Okay. No, but anyway, so he was running the light and I, and I put something in my Twitter drafts and I asked Ian about it and I said, is this bad? It's not a mean joke. I just said every time a black, every time a black comic smacks the mic on his leg, another one runs the light.

That's funny. And he was like, no, that's not that bad. But I ended up not doing it because I was afraid. I just didn't want the thing. Yeah. Because Twitter was so volatile at the time. Yeah. Remember when anything that anybody would say, people were like, and they would jump on you about it? Yeah. So I just, I was like, no, I'm not going to do it. That's another thing that you just brought up, though, my pet peeve is that...

And I'm not saying – white comics do it as well. Yeah. But it's like when a joke – when they tell a joke and they laugh at it themselves and then they – you know what I mean? Smack the mic on their leg. Smack the mic on their leg. I hate it. It drives me. Well, Chappelle does it a lot and I think a lot of comics – yeah, but I think a lot of comics stole it from him. That's what it is. He started it and it's fine when he does it because –

What he's saying is very, very funny. Of course. And it would make him laugh. Yes. But now comics do it when it's not funny. Yes. It drives me nuts. Smacking the mic on your leg, it's not your thing. So don't do it. And then the audience gets fooled into it. Right. Right? There's so many little tricks like that on stage that people do that I know about.

Yeah, we know. You know what I mean? There's a playbook. I know what you guys are thinking. You're thinking, you know, when they say, when they start, you know what I mean, pointing out what the audience is, what they're, and then the audience laughs as if. Well, they give them the, so they give them the thing that they're supposed to laugh about. Yeah. So they go, and I know what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're saying, sir. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right, so they just gave it to him. It's a trick. Right, it's a great trick. Yeah, there's so many little tricks like that people do. Little parlor tricks. Yeah. I'm going to ask you a real question. I had a conversation with a friend the other day about this. You talk real fast. Do you think... I know. I'm on Coke. Do you think that... Do you think you have to have a little bit of fucked up-ness to be a good comic? It's a never-ending debate.

No, because I think before when I started doing stand-up, that was the case. But I think comedy has changed. Do you think everybody that's at the top is fucked up a little bit? No, I think that – I mean give me a list of comedy. I'll tell you who's not fucked up. I'll give you a list right now. Sebastian Maniscalco. Yep, he kills kids. He kills kids. I know. He goes to a private island to shoot children. Yeah.

Who else is high on the list? Sebastian doesn't have any issues. I know his sister. I've met his parents before. He's the nicest guy. Good work ethic. He's not even Italian. He's Argentinian. Here's another one. Al Madrigal. Good dude. Al's insane. Al has massive anger issues. I know Al very well. He has anger issues. Al will kill somebody.

Al is a murderer. Yeah, I know dudes that will kill somebody that aren't fucking comics as well. What I'm saying is that... But Al is volatile. Al can be volatile and he's a crazy person. I love Al. He's crazy. Okay. Let me call Al. Let me see if he thinks he's got... Watch this. Let's see if... Yeah. Let's see if he's got any... He's not going to pick up. Wait, what's going on? How do I do this? Why wouldn't he pick up? You don't think he's going to pick up the phone if I ask him? I think he'd pick up for me.

Oh, you want to call him at the exact same time? Yeah, let's see. Wait, wait. Yeah, hold on. Well, I can't connect to the... Oh, now I'm connected. Don't do it yet. No, I'm calling. No, let's do it at the same time and see who he picks up first. Well, no, because I'm connected to the mic and you're not. I'm connected. Hey, look at how fast that was. One ring.

I'm on the bank wearing a mask. Oh, you're at the bank right now? Oh, you're at the bank? Are you robbing the bank? I'm in the bank wearing a full mask. Luckily, all the tellers are wearing masks. So we're in good shape. Are you guys doing bad friends right now? Hey, Al, can I ask you one quick question in the bank before you rob it and kill everybody? Do you think that you're a little fucked up and you have the capability of snapping and killing someone if need be?

If it came down to it and I needed to kill someone, like let's say somebody was trying to attack one of the kids, I'd break somebody's neck or kill somebody in two fucking steps. Yeah, but that's everyone. Okay, but Al, don't you agree? You know how comics have issues and they had fucked up childhoods and that's what drove them to do stand-up?

And we're talking about healthy comics that I don't think that had that kind of history. And I mentioned your name. I just feel like that you're typically just a normal, regular, kind of a nice guy. Yeah, but Al, don't you have an undertone of anger? Yeah, yeah. I've talked about it. It's well documented. But I just kind of – I –

All right, Al. I love you. Talk to you soon. I have a lot of moments I regret, guys. Bye. Bye. He's the fucking best. He's killing it right now. I know. He just did a Ben Affleck movie. What was it called? Basketball Times. Basketball Times. Welcome back, dude. But like, even if you... You know, he's second on the thing on the billing or whatever when I saw his name. I know. It went Ben Affleck and then Al Madrigal.

And he is in another movie coming out too. Yeah, he's got more shit coming out. Yeah, what a fuck. Killing the game. Ben Affleck, by the way, saw him at the Clipper game. Yeah. When they were doing the premiere of that movie a month ago. Yeah. Dissed him? I dissed him hard. You dissed him? Dissed him hard. Ben Affleck? Yeah, Ben Affleck. He turned around. He goes, Santino. And I go, yeah, man, what's up? And I looked away. Why? He didn't do that. He doesn't know you. Yeah, no, he does. We got old beef, dude.

Ben and I have old school beef. What happened? We went out and a group of us went out to dinner one time. Yeah. You know, and everyone's like, why do you have beef? You have beefs with, I can name, I'm not going to name names. Me and Affleck are out at a nice dinner. But you, I'm telling everyone listening right now. All right.

Fucking guy. No. Yes, you do. You want me to name names? No, but I'm making up the Ben Affleck story. I know, but I know you're not. I know you're making that up. Yeah. But I just want you to look how angry you're getting. But don't name any fucking people. I swear to God I'm not. But he's called me before this guy and goes, fuck that guy.

fuck that guy and it's usually a big movie star or a TV star what happened oh man I was out man and I said hi to him and he was like acting all weird and he didn't listen to me the only reason I say fuck that guy is if they deserve it if they deserve it I only fuck you if you deserve it if you're a dick to me I'm gonna be a dick to you

You're too nice. You let people be mean to you and you're still nice to them back. No, I do. You don't think that I have beefs with big celebrities. I have personal beefs with. I know, but they have to cross a big line with. They cross lines with Papa. And when Papa gets, I don't, you know, I'm at a point now in my career. Let's have a war. You're ready. I am ready to have a war because I'm 48 now. I don't give a fuck. You know, Ken, John got pissed off about what we said about him and him and Joe Biden starting a podcast. No. John McHale.

They got pissed off. Why were they pissed off? Ken Jeong went public about it. He said, I can't believe these two pieces of shit are talking about me. No, they know. I talked to him two days ago. He said, Bobby's talentless and Santino's a nobody. Two days ago, he texted me and we talked. So you lie again. I'm telling you. You redheaded freak full of Chicago lies. Did you really? Did you talk to him? Yes. What did he say? Nothing. We didn't talk. I don't even remember even saying his thing about bad friends. What's their show called? The Greatest. Good Buds? I don't know. I didn't talk to him. No, you fucking liar.

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Are you finding time to go to meetings? How are you doing it? Do you Zoom in a meeting? I did a meeting Monday night. It's a men's meeting. It was 86 men.

And everyone shared. Wait, wait, wait. Online? Yeah, on Zoom. You do 86 people on a Zoom? It took four hours. How can that be? But it was great. Ah, fuck it. Say it. So I had a friend. I have a friend that you know he's a comic. Yeah. Oh, I know who it is. Yeah, but don't say his name. And he was also in the meeting. Yeah. And what's great about Zoom meetings now is that you could have my...

phone to my left they have the computer in front of me yeah and we could text each other about what people are wearing or like boohoo or you know what I mean or even positive things but like I think that's what made the meeting good do sometimes when people share do occasionally people share and people like roll their eyes

Yeah, and sometimes I get angry. Like one time about a month ago, somebody shared something because in the meeting that I go to, there's a two-minute time limit. You can only talk for two minutes. Only two minutes, and then as soon as the bell goes off, you have to shut up. So is there any black people in the meeting? Oh, there's a lot of black people. Do they run the limit? No. They don't even – fuck you. But there was a – I swear to God, there was a guy that shared whose head is – guys, the

the cancer came back. Oh, shit. He's like, the cancer came back and it spread. He's crying. It's spreading and they're saying that chemo might not even be enough.

And he had to sit down? Yeah. He stopped talking? You have to. Oh, my God. And the people were like, all right, so, and the next guy shared. Thanks a lot. And no one even said, like, I wanted to go, give him another minute. Yeah, give him one more. Yeah. I know this is a very hacky concept, but I mean this. If it's anonymous, why do you announce your name?

Because I can say— Does anybody use a pseudonym? No. I can say that I'm in AA if I want to, but I can't call anyone else out that's in the program. I know, but I feel like if I was in a program, I would not say my real name.

But because it's anonymous, no one's going to talk about it. I know, but I don't— No one says your last name. No one—you know, I'll go— Well, they know who the fuck you are. Yeah, I'll go, hey, my name is Bobby Lee Live. That's my Twitter handle. And I'm an alcoholic. You know what I mean? Thanks, Bobby. But I don't give a fuck, right? Did you say alcoholic and drug addict? But there are some guys that are big celebrities who had changed their name as a celebrity, but they go by their real name. Oh.

In the room. Right. So, hey, I'm Tony. You know what I mean? But you know them as like, you know what I mean? Marcus. Somebody else. Yeah. T-T-X. You know what I mean? The rapper. Oh, T-X. Whatever. But they'll go. Do you have any rappers in your program? We have everything. Wow. We got like moguls. We got, you know what I mean? Plumbers. We got all kinds of stuff, man. Plumbers and moguls. That is cool. See, it's kind of like in L.A., I feel like meetings are more of a fucking cultural meetup than anything else.

No, but it's men's, and it's really real. It's like what I like about it— No women at all? It's a men's meeting. Yeah, so there's no women. Why? Is that a normal thing to separate sexes? There's a stag— I'll tell you why stag meetings are better for me is because the mixed meetings—

is there's a lot of distractions going on. Number one, when you share, you keep in mind, because there are women there as well. You get conscious of that. You get conscious of that, and you can't really be that vulnerable. But in front of men, right, and when men are being vulnerable in front of other men, it feels better. And also what I like about it is that

When I see people that are doing perceptionally better than me or bigger than me… Famous-wise. Yeah, just in terms of the history books. And they're going through trauma and daily life things that I go through, and they still struggle with issues.

It makes me – I don't know. It just gives me like I'm not the only one on this boat. Right. You're not alone. Yeah, I'm not alone. That feels really nice. It feels good that no matter where you are in life, no matter how much money that you have, no matter how much success you have, that you're always going to, number one, take you with you. You're always going to be the same. It doesn't fix you. Everyone knows that whatever you get – that's why now when people are –

When friends of mine get successful in this and that, I just know that whatever they get, it's not fixing whatever issues that they have. They're the same guy. Sure. And that it doesn't really fucking matter. You know what I mean? Right. So I need to be reminded of that. You take you with you is very cool. Yeah.

You're always taking yourself with you. So it's like feeling happy is an inside job. Yeah. It is. No, trust me. I learned that. Is it called Al-Anon? Is that families of – Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wouldn't know if you went to it, but anyway. No, I did. I just remember – I didn't really – I went with my dad one time, and I didn't enjoy it. I remember not enjoying it. It was really hard to get me to go. I really struggled. Yeah.

Because there are comics that are heavily into that. No, no. And by the way, this wasn't Al-Anon. This was – Something thing? Yeah. I had been to that, but this was a real – it was a conference, like a national meetup. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. An international AA conference or Al-Anon conference. Yeah. And I went to one of those, and he was there, and it was really tough for me. Well, your dad's recovering? Mm-hmm. He is? Yeah. He's been clean for years now. But does he go to AA meetings? Yeah. Oh, he's active. He's my brother then.

Yes. He goes to NA meetings. Yeah, but he's my brother. Sure. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool. Yeah. He's also much older now, so he doesn't go as much as he used to, but— But I could talk shop with him. Well, yeah. I mean, you live two very different lives, but yes. Why? Because his was more crime-induced. His landed him in jail a lot. Yeah, but, you know, the similarity— Yours was more subject behind a tree. They always say, look for the similarities, not the differences. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, no. Well, no. Yeah. So I went to one of those, but it was really hard for me. Yeah. I still never come to grips with the idea of like being in and out of prison for drugs. I never understood that. It made me mad. He never robbed anybody. He never killed anybody. He never like imposed violence. So I don't want to. Do you have therapy? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

I just, you know, I just. Last time I went was 08, 08, 09. I know. I just think that, and this is just my humble opinion. Yeah. That you just maybe need a little bit more spirituality in your life.

First of all, I grew up a Catholic, so you don't fucking know. Not that kind of spirituality. Yeah, well, that fucks you up. It makes you not want to be spiritual. Yeah. So grow up a Catholic and see what goes through those schools. No, more namaste spirituality. Namaste is hard to get to when your Catholicism is your youth. Anybody who's a fan that knows about Catholicism, it'll fuck you up as a kid. It's crazy. Yeah, but what I'm saying is that can you at least be open to it or no?

Do some meditation. No, because as a young Catholic, you learn to not be open. If you're open, that's when you get caught. You got to change, man. You got to fucking change. Clinch it and bury it. That's what I'm asking you. Clinch and bury. That's what I'm asking you. No, no, no. Clinch and bury. Clinch, bury. Because people like me are going to get affected. Clinch your butt, bury your emotions. Because people like me are going to get affected, right? By me. One day, you're going to snap, right? And then I'm going to be the one that's shot. I don't want to die. And I love you. I would never shoot you and kill you. You know what?

On our phone calls, even though you do answer with fucking like a bitch. Dude, stop saying bitch. Like a baby bitch? Stop saying because I will fight you. I will fucking fight you and I don't want to hear bitch anymore. Stop saying that. All right. Say asshole. Asshole's fine. How about this? Yeah. You act like a very loose pussy. Is that better? And you act like an aloof...

I don't want to say the word. Don't say it. I don't want to say the word. Don't say it. Why can't I say that word that I'm thinking of? Gook? No. No. You act like an aloof, mentally challenged person. I get what you're saying. But look, yes, we all probably need a little bit more therapy. Can I tell you a moment in therapy that really made me... I want to just say the thing that you're doing, though, that I've noticed is at the end of our conversations... At the end of our conversations?

You always say, I love you. I do. I say, I love you. Do you know why I say that? Fuck you. Bob, do you know why I say I love you? Do you know why I say I love you? Why? Because it's my way of saying, I know I'm heavy. I know I'm a lot. Yeah. You know I love you. It's more of a, it's not a real thing then. No, no, no. It's saying like- You say that to everybody. I say it to people, only to my closest friends.

I won't say it to her. Brian Callen. If Brian Callen called you, would you say, like he probably picks up the phone and goes, hey, buddy. No, he goes, hey, loose pussy. No. No, when Callen picks up the phone and he picks up, you're you and you're calling me. I'm Brian. Here you go. Ready? Who am I? You're you. Hello. No, you're calling me. Oh. Okay. Hello. Hold on. One second. It's Brian. Hold on one second.

Just turn it off, my oxygen tank. Yeah. Hold on. Let me get up real fast. No, if I said, when Bri, when I hang out with Bri, I say, I don't know if I say I love you brother to him, but maybe. A lot of guys I do that I really do love. All right, let me ask you this. I only say it to people. Look at my eyes right now. Do you really do love me? I do. I love you very much. I love you. I love you too. She's smiling. Jules. Jules. I know, don't say anything, but.

Because here's the thing with – I just got to get this off my chest. I like that you're yelling. You're yelling at her and telling her not to say anything. This is like back home for her. She doesn't want to talk. You can't talk! She doesn't want to talk. If you have to poop, put up number two! She doesn't want to talk. She's shy. But, you know, I don't know how she feels about me. What do you mean? I think – I don't know. I don't know if she's like, I have to live in this house with this fucking crazy person, right? Yeah, but isn't she living rent-free?

Yeah, she is. Yeah, well, she's fine. If she's living rent-free, then she's fine, pal. Okay, all right. Well, I think that it's difficult for her because she's from the Philippines. She grew up in the Philippines. She's out here for school, and we did a lot of things to get her out here. She's getting straight A's. She's acclimated herself to American society, but she doesn't know the language. I mean, I think she's fine, but she –

You know, she doesn't really talk to me that much. What do you mean she doesn't talk to you that much? She'll go, good morning, Tito Bobby, which is, I guess, Uncle Bobby. And I keep telling her, call me Tito Tito. Tito means uncle? Right? Yeah. So she'll go, good morning, Tito Bobby. How are you? And then that's the conversation for the rest of the day. So you think she doesn't like you because she doesn't talk to you?

I think that she – I don't know. I just – every once in a while I would like her to go, how are your feelings? How are your feelings today? Maybe she's not in touch with that side. Yeah, she is young. Maybe she's someone who's just not in touch with that side. Yeah. Do you think about that maybe? But one time it was great because Kalilah and I, when we were in Seattle, we took Jules to Seattle. Remember that? Yeah. And then we were in the movie theater to watch Hereditary. Yeah. The movie, right? Yeah.

And so it's me, Jules, and Kalilah, and there's this couple in front of us. And there was a point in the movie where it scared me because it's a horror fucking movie. Yeah. So I go like that. And then the couple turns around. Will you shut up? They shut the fuck up? To me. Be quiet. If you're going to do that, stay at home. Watch it at home. Fuck you, lady. Right. So Kalilah and I – remember that? So Kalilah and I, we stopped watching the movie.

And we just started staring at the back of their heads. Right? So this is what happened. So I had to watch the movie twice because now at this point – Now you want to kill these people. The whole time. And then, Jewel, did you feel what was going on then? Yeah. So she felt it. Yeah. So then the movie ends. The credits starts rolling. And everyone gets up to leave. Not Kalaya and I. Oh, you sat there. We sat there and just stared at the back of their heads. And now they're sitting there like this, like, they're not leaving. Yeah.

They're not fucking leaving, right? They can feel you guys. Oh, yeah. As soon as the lights go on, Kalilah and I stand up and just start fucking, right? Fuck you! You know what I mean? What the fuck you... And Jules is... And then we follow them outside the fucking movie theater. You know, four levels. They're on the escalator. We're on the escalator. Kalilah and I just... Fuck you, bitch! You piss in that... Was she embarrassed? Was Jules embarrassed? Were you embarrassed?

Were you angry? Were you upset at them for doing that or did you like it? She was upset too. Yeah. Yeah, but it was a crazy thing. She seems too nice to do anything like that though. No, but apparently she is edgy. She's got a dark side. In the Filipino language. So I guess if you're in Cebu. Yeah, Cebu. Yeah, she's like fucking Sarah Silverman. You know what I mean? Like edgy. Oh. But here in America, she's like fucking librarian. Titu means uncle?

Is there a word for redheaded people? What's the word for weirdo or gross or freak? Uggory. Uggory? What's the word for uggory? Batiknau. Yeah, that's me. Batiknau. Mr. Batiknau. It's a beautiful island. Look at that. Thank you, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's what I want to do is let's call Andreas because I know you want to hear from your fancy bee and let's see what he's got for us in the chamber because we could do video with him. Do you want to see his face or you don't care? I love his face.

So you do want to see him? Yeah. By the way, he called me the other day. He's... Nay. The other day, he's getting... He got kicked out of his place. Really? They can't afford it. And he asked me to... He's like, could you loan me a little bit of money? Yeah, let's... No. We don't need to help him out. I said, you'll figure it out. Grow up. No, no, no, no. Don't be a dick, bro. I said, be a man, dude. Grow up. Don't be a dick in this fucking circumstances we are in. I sent him monster.com. There's a ton of jobs you can get. I said, there's a whole... Hola? Hola?

Hola. Hola, ¿qué pasó? ¿Qué pasó, amigo? Hey, do you want to do your video stand-up right now? Do you have the ability to or no? Yeah, I do. We want you to do the jokes that you prepared. You know what I want to do? Let's do a different exercise. What do you want? Let's do some improv.

With him? I want him to stand there, right? And he's going to improvise a bit. Okay. Hey, Andres? I need to put him up against the wall. Yeah, because the challenge isn't strong enough. Andres, I'm going to get on Google Chat and hit you, okay? Okay. Well, if you could FaceTime me, maybe it's a little better quality. Yeah, I'll FaceTime you then. How about that? How about that? Okay. Yeah. Piece of shit. Thank you.

Dude, he's gotten a little too—ever since we started employing him, I got to tell you, he's been a little much. We have to be careful, though, because I know—I've been on podcasts before. Yeah. And I've had—I've witnessed people that were like an engineer or somebody that just was in the background get kind of popular on a podcast, and then they change. So we've got to put him on a— You think he's changed? No, we just don't want that. Right. Right.

We don't want that to get to that point. Yeah, I don't want him to get... If need be, Jules can take over. Andreas. All right, here we go. Let's see if we can... Let's see if we can get Rosende here. Hey, sweetheart. There he is. Hey, guys. Hey. You seem nervous. Yeah, why do you seem so nervous? I don't know. There he is. So, you know what? Andreas...

The other day when you did it, you read it off the page. There's still two talk show-y jokes for me. Yeah. So we want you to just improvise a little bit and just improvise. It doesn't have to even be funny, but I just want you to – It's not going to be funny. Thank you. You can only see me. Do you want me to turn it so you can see Bobby? No, I don't need to see him. He doesn't need to see me. Yeah. So like I want him to like –

Do more Seinfeld-y jokes like what's up with airports? Well, you want jokes or improv? Yeah, so talk about airports. Talk about driving. How about you get up there. You start – do one of your regular jokes, and then you're going to talk to me and Bob as if we're members of the audience to try to engage with us. Okay? Let's see how good you are. Crowd work is what we call it. You ready? Okay. All right, get up there. Read one of your best jokes, and then start doing crowd work with me and Bobby. Okay. Okay, here we go.

We want to do the intro this time? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to do the intro. Ready? Go ahead. Hey, welcome to the Fart Factory Laugh House here in Connecticut. I'd love to bring up this next guy. He is incredible. He's a size 37 waist. Where the fuck did you go? Oh, okay. Get off camera. Then we'll start that way. Get off camera. All right, here we go. Ready? Get off camera.

Welcome back to the Fart Hut Chuckle Fuck House. This is your next comic. He plays clubs and colleges. Andres Ocende! So good to be here. Thank you for having me. So last week, while we were shooting the episode six of Bad Friends, I found a note from Bobby saying,

In the trash can. Oh, wow. Can I read it? Yeah. Bobby wrote this note? Yeah. I mean, Bobby wrote this note. It has even some ashes from his cigarette. It says, you know, Bobby Lee's resolutions. In times of corona. Exactly. Okay. So let's see what he wrote. Make sure to touch face enough so people notice I wear gloves.

And yeah, I think he's doing a great job with that. Don't you think? Okay. Okay. The second one is play less Stardew Valley and more Mud Blaster. That's good. That's good. Good challenge. Change font password from 2222 to 1234 so fans can guess it.

Yep, I think that's a good one because a lot of people have been commenting on that. Stop using Peloton as a high chair and start pedaling more. And you can lose to Bergkaiser in triathlon. Yeah, so he needs to start training more. And this is like, try the low-carb Lou Malnati's pizza because he's eating too much of the pepperoni one. So yeah, that's a good one, too. Yep.

Sweep the other side of the streets on Mondays. Yeah. Change name to Bobby Ectotic to enter the Poway High Hall of Fame. Be more woke and set the alarm before noon. And then the last one says here, have Andres, well, have Fancy B write me 15 minutes of jokes for my special. He's crushing it. Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much. Yeah. Okay. Do some crowd work. Do some crowd work. Do some crowd work. Like we're audience members. We're audience members. Do some crowd work. Where are you from? So guys, what do you think? Where are you from? I'm from San Diego, dude. Oh, San Diego. That's so good. You're basically a Mexican. Holy shit. Holy shit. More, more, more. What do you do for a living? Stay on that audience member. Go ahead. Hi. What's your name, sir? David. David.

Hey David, what do you do? Oh, I work at P.F. Chang's. I'm a waiter. Yeah, I thought so. Okay. Hey man, you're killing. Stick to this member of the audience. Stick to it. What do you mean you thought so? What do you mean you thought so? Yeah, I'm not sure. You look familiar. I've been to P.F. Chang's before. Uh-huh.

What's your favorite meal there? I just like the Kung Pao Chicken. Yeah, yeah, of course you do. Yeah. Go to Andy now. Go to Andrew. Let's go to someone else. The ginger one. What's your name? Where are you from? I'm from Los Angeles, California. Oh, wow. So you guys, how are you doing through this pandemic?

I'm good. We're just making it through, man. How are you? I'm great. I'm here trapping my one-bedroom house. We're at a fucking comedy club. Oh, yeah. I'm in this amazing comedy club just performing to this amazing public. So ask me what I do for a living. What do you do for a living? Oh, I'm a mechanic. I actually fix cars. Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah.

Do you speak Spanish? Si. Oh, yeah. So, mi coche tiene un problema. Oh, well, do you want me to help you fix it? Absolutely. Okay. You know, like, do you know how to change a tire? I do. Do you know how to change a tire? I do. Great.

The P.F. Changs guy? Does he know how to change a tire? The P.F. Changs guy? Does he know how to change a tire, P.F. Changs? The P.F. Changs guy left the club already. Oh, he left. He walked the crowd. He didn't pay his bill. You walked everybody but me. You walked the room. Yeah, you walked me. But I like it. Again? Andres, you did a great job. Great job, man. That was your first crowd work. That was a very good job. Thank you.

You remember the rules of crowd work? The best rules of crowd work. Okay? Be as mean as you possibly can. Yeah. Alienate the audience. Be rude, be stupid, and be monotonous. Make no sense and don't align anything up with whatever they're saying. Okay? Okay. Where are you going? What happened?

Oh, he's spraying. He's spraying. He's getting some disinfectant. Andreas, thank you so much. We appreciate you. We love you. Stay safe during the pandemic. Okay, bud? Yeah, you too, guys. Thank you. Bye, buddy. We love you, man. Bye, dude. Bye, dude. He's awesome. Wow. He should never do it. You know what? Can I say this, though? Yeah. He's better than George. Yeah. What do you mean? Yeah. George does stand-up. You know that, right? No, he doesn't. You know he does stand-up, right? He doesn't do stand-up. Yes, he does. He had an open mic he did every week for years.

He's opened for me before at the Irvine Improv. Wait, seriously? Yeah. And let me say something right now. How much time can he do? He did – okay, so this is what happened. So I go, all right, you can do 10 minutes. Does he really do stand-up? So he goes to the Irvine Improv, and my friend Gilbert was there. We taped it. He bombed so bad that two minutes in, I started screaming. I was panicking. I'm like, what?

He's ruining it. I mean, he was that bad. Do you remember any of his jokes? No. He did a joke about a futon. What? That he has one? Yeah, he was like, about my futon. I didn't even understand the joke. He was just like, he was fucking terrible. And he did it for years and years. Does he still do stand-up? Yeah. He does? Yeah. Where? Just at open mics around town. No way. Yeah. You didn't know that? No. Oh, yeah. I mean, I thought he had dabbled in comedy before. No, he does open mics. Beep.

Does he really do mics? Ask him. Now that we're separated from everybody, we need to call everybody we know on our phone. Yes, sir. George, do you do stand-up? Let's see. I hosted it for probably a year, every week. Okay, so Andreas just murdered with crowd work, by the way. Yeah. Murdered. He lit the room on fire. Bobby said you could be willing to give us one of your best jokes right now.

Okay. Let's hear it. All right. What about best jokes? You know, I grew up religious. And, you know, when Jesus Christ is your co-pilot, funny thing is he never lets you set the rest of pussy town. What? What did he say? I can't. You broke up. Did he break up? Do the joke again. Slow it down. I couldn't hear. You must have broken up in the middle of it. It's a great one. So I'll do it again. Okay. You know, I grew up religious. Okay.

And when Jesus Christ is your co-pilot, somehow he never lets you set the GPS to pussy town. It's okay. George, George. What? Where do you think pussy town is? Between a lady's legs. This is pretty rough. This better not be live. Are you guys doing this live? No. No, no, no.

No. Let me know. Anyway, great. I got to check my notes again, guys. Good to see you, man. We love you, man. Thank you. No, no, no. I'll talk to you later. We'll talk to you later. Bye. Bye, George. Oh, my God. At the end, he goes, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. But I told you, he does it. I didn't know he did stand-up. Oh, yeah. I think that's crazy. You know, it's so funny because it's like, you know, for some reason,

Everyone around me. So I started Tiger Belly. And then all of a sudden, George starts doing it. Gilbert does it. Yeah. Yeah. What if Kalilah started doing stand-up? She did do it. No, but I mean like really got into it. She did it 12 times. Kalilah did it 12 times. She opened for you? No, she never did. She did open mics around town. I think the last gig she did was at Flappers. Did you see that video they put up? Of what? About Flappers closing down. Forever? They put up a video online about it. Forever. I don't know if it's forever. Forever.

But they put up a video that they're going to close. They can't stay open. Can I say something about that club? Sure. You like that club? I've never done it. So the lady calls me. The woman that owns it? Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, she's probably a nice lady, but she calls me and she goes, hey, I was just letting you know I'm opening up a club in Burbank. It's called Flappers. I go, great, man. I'd love to do it. So call my agents and just tell me what weekend I can do. Oh, no. No, I'm sorry. I...

I'm having elevated headliners like Jimmy Dore and stuff. So I was just calling to see if you could do maybe a Tuesday or something. What? Yeah, and I go, oh. Bye. Bye. Wait, she offered you to come do the club but not to headline? Yeah. Then I guess a year later she calls me back. Yeah. She goes, oh, I'm sorry for that call. You're at a different place. I didn't know what place you were at. But know that then. And now can you do a weekend? I go, no. But then know that.

Yeah, don't call me. Then your job is to know that if you're a comedy club. I love Jimmy Dore. He's a great comic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love him, but I'm just saying that, you know. He's a headliner too, but to know that you are. I am as well. Yeah, they should know that you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You own a comedy club to go, oh, I didn't know what position you were in. And whenever something like at Ha Ha Cafe on Lancashire, I would do it more, but one day I was sitting there and I go, can I get a Diet Coke or whatever?

And I was doing the show. And then they charged me for the Diet Coke. Shut up. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, this is that kind of club. I can't play here. What year was this? Like six years ago. They charge you for a Diet fucking Coke? By the way, that club's closed down.

Ha-Ha's forever? I mean, I've driven by it. It's boarded up. Oh, really? Yeah. And so Flappers is gone forever? I don't know. It might close. They said it might close. So many businesses are closing. That's sad to hear. Yeah, man. It's a great club for people. No, I'm not. I was just reporting what I heard. I've never played the club. I don't know. The only time I've ever even stepped foot in there is my very first...

JFL Showcase was there. Oh, really? I think so. I played it before. It's a nice room. Yeah, I've never been over there. If the Comedy Store closed permanently, would you be sad? Are you fucking kidding me? But, like, what would you do? I've always thought that. What the fuck would we do? I'd move to New York. You really would? If all the clubs here closed. Because if the Comedy Store closes, the fucking improv is gone. Okay? Right. And if the improv and the Comedy Store are gone...

And the factory's not there either. It's like, what am I doing here? I don't know. But obviously... Shows would pop up. It would pop up. No, I wouldn't move to New York. I'm being fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You bought a house. I'm verbalizing. Yeah, but no, no, no. But I would. But honestly, it's what's happening right now. Not being able to go to the store has been...

Oh my god I know I fucking hate every The night sucks My nights suck I know I know I know They're dark days man Dark nights But you know what What makes me get through it Is that we're all going Through it together Yeah no Yeah and it's like We just as a society And let's be real Let's just be real for once Let's be honest and real Jules Stop joking around Stop fucking around Jules Stop fucking around Jay Listen everyone

We're all going through this. We're all – like number one, I wake up and I go, what the fuck is going on? This is insane. This is my first Pandy. I don't know what the fuck. Pandy won. Pandy won, man. And so we're all in this together. We all have hardships, some more than others. And God bless the people that are helping out in the medical field, the nurses and the doctors. Do you know what I did the other day? What?

What'd you do the other day? Can I brag? Yeah, go ahead. No, because if you... Yeah, go ahead. I'm going to brag. I'm going to brag. I'm going to brag. Brag a little bit. You deserve to brag a little bit. No, because Whitney and Josh Wolf were organizing buying ER nurses and doctors meals. Yeah. And I was like, I'll buy them meals. So I bought 30 people lunch. Yeah, I'm doing that. I just talked to Whitney this morning. It's great. I'm doing that next week. It felt really good. So can I brag too? Yeah, but you didn't do it yet. Yeah. We'll see if you do it. You want to know what I've done? What?

I've done things you don't even capable of knowing that I've done. When a comedy festival asks for you to submit people, do you submit them? Bro, I've set up showcases for my agents for people. Name one comic that you— Theo Vaughn and Eric Griffin. I'm the one that got signed them to CAA. Fucking—what's his name? The black guy from— Trevor Noah. Trevor Noah.

I saw Trevor Noah in South Africa 10 years ago. And you said you got to bring him over here. No. When I did a show with Trevor Noah, I called CAA and Matt Blake and I go, you got to see this fucking guy. And what did they say? And Matt goes, I'm not going to go to South Africa. I go, you know what, Matt? Trevor's coming to America to do a show in Vegas opening for somebody, right? Yeah.

I sent Matt over there to sign him. Yeah. All right? So fuck you. So Trevor Noah is because of you. Trevor Noah is because of you. I helped. Or did it hurt? I do want to say something very important because we did get real for a hot second. I cut you off, but yes, thank you to the health workers. We are going through it at different levels. Everyone's having a tough time, but let's loop something around. We never do this. You said something earlier that I think is very cool I want to take.

You take you with you, no matter what level you're at. So whether you're in bad times or good times, it's going to be exacerbated of who you really are. You take you with you. That's the name of this episode. Yeah. And that's important to remember. I'm being serious. Yeah. And we have to do everything we can. I know it's difficult, but to get out of ourselves and to help where we can. Helping other people is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to do it more and more online during this whole thing because this whole thing—

It sucks. It sucks so fucking bad. It sucks so much. I'm glad that we got to meet up in the studio. It sucks so fucking bad. Because we don't know what's going to happen. I think that's what it is. There's a lot of questions. No one can tell us. They say a month. No way. No fucking way. I think July will be back up and running. August. August.

Really? Yeah. Wow. I think August. And that's when we start slowly coming out. Wow. Yeah, so... That really scares me a little bit. Yeah, we're in for the long haul. You know, I was talking to Whitney before, and it feels like we're entering a new age. Yeah. You know, people will... I think this will be, you know what I mean, a real time... Like a time... I mean, the history books? Yeah. A shift in history.

in how people act and how people behave. When it's all over. Yeah, this is going to be a definite shift. Yeah. You know, they'll call it before coronavirus, after coronavirus. You know what I mean? Yeah. BCV. Yeah. I do think so because here's the thing. It's like it's even, I think it was in Singapore, Hong Kong, where they loosened restrictions and it's come back, you know? So even when we do come out in August, if we do come out in August-

This thing can rear its ugly head. Also, it could change. It could become airborne because some viruses – It is airborne. I know. Viruses need to survive. It might change into something even harsher. We don't know. And this is also a tale of – there are other diseases and viruses that can manifest themselves. So we have to –

now become very, very aware of this. This is a different shift, and we're witnessing it. We're living through it, and that's why we're scared because we don't know. Yeah. Well, we got to be safe, right? I want everyone to be safe. We're doing our best. Look, Bob and I are wearing gloves and masks. We're doing the podcast together.

Limited. There's no one in the room but us and Jules who we keep quarantined, right? Yep. In her little cage. And you feed her. You put little peanuts through the cage. Filipino peanuts. Yeah. Filipino peanuts. Yeah. Okay. Look at the camera, babe. Thank you for being a bad friend.