Yellow Cave of Wonders 01:40:17

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It's free. Awesome. That's cool. There are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer. You do it from your phone like on the go? Oh, my God. That's cool. And on the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool. Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many, many, many, many, many, many, many more. Go ahead.

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Do you want to see some bad friends clips? Click on the link below. Click on the link below to subscribe to the bad friends clips page so you can watch the condensed clips page of me and Bob. Yeah. Yeah. Hey. Hey, you fuck. You think that my head is big? You think my head is fucking big? Have you ever seen your head? Have you ever seen your head?

It's proportioned to my body. Yeah, and your body is gigantic. I'm just happy that you're watching the show. That just shows that you really watched the episode. No, no, no. Listen, listen. I have to because people keep sending me the links. They keep sending me the clips. Look at this, Griffin. Why? Because you were talking shit about me. I didn't talk any shit about you, Griff.

Oh, oh, about the vitamins, I think mac and cheese is vitamins. We're mom's friends. You're so dumb. Dude, I'm dumb? Yeah, yeah. I'm dumb? You're a lipless fuck. I'm a lipless fuck? Yeah, yeah. Shave your fucking, look at how tiny your little bullshit lips are. Your little fucking ramen lips. Look at your little bullshit lips. God fucked you. God fucked you bad. He was making you, he was like, fuck the upper lip. Did you get, did you have sex this morning? Why? Because you're in a good mood.

I feel great. Yeah, you dumped a load somehow. Whether you jerked off to Fortnite or something, but you did something. I don't know. Did you thicken your eyebrows? Did you thin your fucking eyebrows? Look at that. That looks like someone took a crop shear through those fucking things. Can you grow them out, or is that as long as they get? You want to go toe-to-toe? I'm not making fun of you, man. Yes, you are, Liu Kang. Yes, you are. You said, did I thicken my eyebrows? I came in here with a positivity, man. Positivity, bro. You attacked me twice in a row. Is that positive?

I was just pointing at the fire. You don't have upper lip. Upper lip. You don't have a fucking upper lip. Look at your lip. Sorry, Andreas. Hey, Andreas. Hey. Yeah. Yeah. How are you feeling today, dude? Are you feeling good? I feel great. You know why? Tell me, baby boy. Because I've been playing video games and it really makes me feel good. I've been playing Stardew Valley. Ooh, Stardew Valley. I know how much you love Stardew Valley. I love Stardew Valley so much. And I started with a new farm. And it's just in sync right now, baby. A lot of lost books. Too many lost books.

I have the new ability to chop trees down and get hardwood. That's a nice asset. And I also have the thing where you get to go to the crab pots, and it doesn't have junk stuff in it. It has, like, lobsters and all the good stuff.

So I have that ability, and I have truffle oil going and duck mayonnaise, and it's real good. Oh, this sounds so cool. Yeah, yeah. It's great. It's a great game because you're constantly – you have to think ahead through the seasons and go – Of course. I need to get ancient fruit going. Which is ironic because you don't do that in your real life at all. What do you mean? You don't think ahead about stuff in your real life. My whole life is thought ahead. Is it? Yeah, bro. Where do you think – do you even know where I'm at in life?

Do you know where you're at in life? I'm doing fucking good with no education. I know. You fell face first. You fell face first into luck. You're basically Kramer. Fuck you. You're Kramer to me. I look in the mirror, dude. You're Kramer. You fell face first into luck. You shouldn't be. You know who you are? Timothy McVeigh. Love.

You do love? Personal hero. He's a murderer. Personal hero. Murderer. Yeah, so keep running your fucking mouth and see what happens. All right. That's the kind of person you are in your heart. You had a nice Italian-Irish-Chicago family that steered you this way, but your heart could have gone either way. No.

No, no, no. My heart went the right way. If you were molested two or three more times, you would have been McVeigh, bro. I don't remember the first couple of times. It didn't happen as far as I'm concerned. Yeah. You know why? Because you were an ugly kid. That's why. So were you. No, I was molested so much. No way. I was a free-for-all. You were ugly when I met you. I was a free-for-all as a kid. How many times did you get molested for real? Twelve times. No way. Yeah. What do you mean no way? Fuck you, I was. Prove it.

I'll show you the scars. You son of a bitch. You only got molested twice. No, 12 times, probably. 12 to 15, yeah. 12 to 15. So why? I was a cute kid. That's not why they molested you. Why do you think it was? Because you were easy to manipulate. They could trick you so easily into getting molested. You were just simple. You're a simple man. You've been eating a lot, huh? Actually, your face has gotten a little chunkier. I like it.

I do, I do. I like your face. Are you being serious? No, honestly. Do you really think I look a little bit chunkier? A little chunkier. I like it that way. It's cuter. Wait, really? Do I seriously? Yeah, you really do. Your face. I fucking shaved. I should look a little bit... No, no, no. When I saw your face earlier, I go, what the fuck is going on with this face? Maybe it's the corona scare or whatever. I've been eating a lot. Yeah. I've been eating so much. It's really... It's nice.

It's filling out? It's filling out, yeah. Because before you're doing this Hollywood, like, I'm going to make it kind of a vibe. And now you've covered, your face has given up. It's cool. Because I'm hungry all the, I'm sitting around the house all the time. Hey, fuck you, man. You've gained some weight. You know what I've been doing? And ask fucking Kalilah. Every night, one hour of Peloton, and I brought, I busted out the weights, bro.

Are you seriously lifting weights? Oh, yeah. And, you know, by the end of this fucking thing, I'm going to look like fucking. Same. You're going to look the exact same. No. Fuck you. You're going to look the same. I'm going to look like Jet Li's thicker jet. Jumbo Jet Li? You're going to be Jumbo Jet Li. How about let's make a monetary bet that you're not going to. Let's make a monetary bet that you're not going to. You're not going to change. You're going to be the same weight. I'll give you a pound and a half.

You know, it's rude that you say, I love it. No, keep talking that way because I love challenges. I love naysayers and I love negative people. Well, here's the thing. Nay, nay. I say nay. Here's the thing. I came in here. I honestly think that you've changed a little bit through this. Through us doing the show together? No, since the show, you've now, and since this quarantine and since the coronavirus, that you've become...

A little paranoid. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, probably. You know, it could do it could have something to do with the over 20,000 people that have died. It could have something to do with the fact that it's affecting people of all ages around the entire world. It's an international pandemic. Could be due with the fact that people are losing their jobs. But could we do to the fact that the shelves are being emptied out of groceries or could be due to the fact that people are fighting over toilet paper? Could be due to the fact that why the fuck aren't you panicking? Of course, I'm freaking out. I'm doing my due diligence. What is your due diligence, Bob?

I haven't left the fucking house except for this thing. For here, yeah. Right? Number two, I wasn't even going to come. Same. Yeah, I know. Yeah, we didn't want to do it. We didn't want to do it. But we're 5.75 feet away, I measured. Okay, yes. And number three, I have to make an apology, by the way. A couple of months ago, not a month ago, maybe three weeks ago, two weeks ago, I don't know what day it is.

I was on my brother's vlog and I said that Wei Li, the fucking, the fighter, the strawweight champion of the UFC, I called a coronavirus. You called the fighter coronavirus? Yes. Yikes. Fuck you because it was before Trump said calling it a Chinese virus and all that kind of stuff. Before it was a thing. So why did you call the fighter a coronavirus?

Because I thought it was funny. At the time, I thought it was funny. Yeah. And then I go, so I want to apologize to Wei Li and I want to apologize to...

You know, all the Ching Chong's out there that might be offended. Here's the thing, though. I'm Ching Chong, too. Number two. You are. You Americans like that. There was this Asian kid that was in a Walmart or whatever, and he coughed and a bunch of white people started, you know, screaming at him going, you know what I mean? You Chinese, you know, you guys started, you know, started. I want to say this. First of all, why is an Asian kid in Walmart? Well, you think she'd be at Costco? What do you mean? Why? Because he's cheap?

No, Walmart is ours. That's for whites. It's not fucking yours. It's where we buy guns and tires. You can only claim that if Chinese things are being made and sold at fucking Walmart. Everything is Chinese things. Well, then there we go. Chinese thing. Chinese thing. Chinese thing. Chinese thing. Chinese thing. Can I say this? Yeah. If your liver was made in China, you'd be Chinese. My liver is mine. It's still Chinese, though. You would be Chinese.

That's like the stuff that's inside the Walmart. If it's Chinese, it's Chinese. So if it's in Chinese, then I'm Chinese because I buy it and purchase it. Can I just say something? Fuck, man. So you got on a blog. No, no. I want to say about the Walmart. So I'm going to claim this. I've been an American longer than you have. I've been an American longer than you have. When did you get your citizenship? I was born here. So I'm older. But don't they make you apply still? No. Right. And so – Yeah. Yeah.

The racism out there when it comes to this fucking virus. It is real. It's real. Yeah, it's gross. And it's gross. And I don't know anything – just I don't know anything about Asia. I don't wake – no, just hear me out. I don't wake up and – it's like when I wake up, I don't think to myself, I'm Asian. I'm Korean. It doesn't even enter my thoughts. It doesn't even strike your mind. When I wake up, I go –

You're hungo. Right. Or, you know what I mean? Hungy. Yeah. Bobby Hungy. My left foot itches because I have a foot thing. Right. Or, like, I have other issues. But when you leave the house— I never think about it. So do you never get in a situation where somebody makes you feel like, oh, I'm Asian? That's only when—yeah, that's when I go out into the world and people say shit like, you know, eh. You know, what if an old white man goes, eh, I—

I'll be at Starbucks. I fought in the Korean War. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We talked about that. And that makes you – then you go, oh, God, I'm Asian. Oh, yeah, I'm Asian, right? But that's the only time. So I don't feel Asian. I feel like an American. But you have no – but you have connectivity to your Asian heritage, don't you? Like in what way? I meditate, but so do you. Yeah, but do you have –

Like, do you have anything family tradition wise that that is that's Korean that you take? Oh, yeah. I buy my feet. I walk on people's back and I do the gong and I and I have also stars and the ninja outfit. What the fuck are you talking about? I didn't say any of that shit. I mean, what the fuck are you talking about? Family traditions. Do you have what you mean? Do you eat food that your mother cooked for you? That was. Yeah. I go to Panda Express. Is that then? OK, you're doing this. Not me. Yeah.

I go to Panda Express. I go to P.F. Chang's. Is that what it is? Both of those places are Chinese, so I don't know what you're talking about. No. So you have no – there's no traditional things. There's no – I do things that are like I guess physically Korean, like older Korean men.

walk around the malls with their hands behind their back. I love that. I do that now. Yeah, that's okay. So you do some Korean stuff. Yeah, but that's not, it's not a cultural thing. I think it's just a... It's definitely a cultural thing. That's literally what it is. You just said it. Old Korean men do it. Yeah. For no other reason than it's cultural. All right. That's what they do. Yeah. So that's your connective tissue to your Korean heritage. You smoke and you squat when you smoke and you yell at cars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Outside of the studio. Yeah. Slow down!

Well, you do Italian things. You're so expressive with your hand. I do more Irish stuff than Italian stuff. You know what I mean? You do stuff. Look, it's been a panic moment, but the one thing that saved us has been friends texting friends funny stuff. I've gotten so much funny shit. I want to bring up, you know this man. You and I talked about this man, Bob. I love this man. We talked about this guy, and we said he was probably one of our favorite...

It was my favorite meme to get. It was my favorite little thing to get, I should say. Look at this. This is a collection of photos. We might have to blur this. Do you think we have to blur this? You didn't blur before? Well, people have seen it. Why the tits? So this is a modification of the original photo.

The original photo, he has a big black penis. Yeah, yeah. Many people recognize this man. This is him with the Crying Jordan meme, which I think is just awesome. Really funny. Very funny. The original picture is his face with this. His name is Meat. He passed away. Dude, rest in peace. You know, he passed away. I know. Honestly, when you told me that the other day, because I remember I called you and I said, we should do research about this because this guy should be happy about his new— I scoured the internet.

You can find nothing. I swear to God. We don't know his real name. A PR person reached out to the porno company that owns the rights to this photo. It's an old porn star. And they will not release his legal name because they say it's not their responsibility. The family might not want that out. So they just – Meat is his formal porn name. But he's so talented. So talented. I mean here's another – this one's great.

This one is great. You know what I mean? That's really good. There's some really good ones going around. This is a phenomenal video. I don't know if you've seen this. I don't think anybody actually has a choice. It's a bold package. It's a big package.

That's a great one. Yeah. I mean, so many, I mean, I've gotten nonstop from so many friends. A little bit of Bob Ross love he's gotten there. Yeah, that's great. This one's phenomenal. The old workers on the beam. He's kind of like, you know what he's like? He's kind of like

Van Gogh. Yeah. Because Van Gogh did all his work without people really knowing about him. It's only when he died when people started appreciating his work. That's true. So it's got a Van Gogh kind of a vibe to it. He's got a very mysterious way about him that I think is why he's – like we've seen big black dicks before. You and I have seen a lot of them.

But this one, there's something special about this guy. It's very special because the head, right? Sometimes when you see a dick, right? The head is bigger than the shaft aspect of it. Yeah. Yeah, it's called shrooming. Right. When you're shrooming. But his is much like mine, although mine is the size of one of the veins on his dick. It's just a one. It's a head.

It's one of the broken veins. Yeah, one of the broken veins is the size of my dick. But his, what's interesting is he's got the sleeve still on, right? He's still got the sleeve. He's not circumcised. And the sleeve still encompasses such a large mass. Yeah. You can't even tell. Yeah. Because sometimes they look, the sleeves, people who have sleeves at home, it looks like, you know, anteaters. They kind of look... Remember Ren from Ren and Stimpy? Yeah, yeah. Remember that? Ren from Ren and Stimpy, sometimes he looks like...

Like Ren and Stimpy has, he has a mouth that looks like the sleeve of a penis or a bad vagina. Yeah. Look at like this. Look at his mouth like this.

Look at that. Yeah. It looks like a weird vagina or a – oh, this is the image. That's the one. That's what you were looking for, yeah. Yeah, that kind of looks like the – it looks like an anteater penis or a bad lippy vagina. Yeah. It's also like when you're – I guess having anal sex with another man. I've only done it twice. I'll fill you in. Go ahead. Yeah. Yeah. Probably the worry is you're going to rip –

You're going to rip the actual muscle around the anal muscle, right? You're going to tear the – But with meat, it's like he might puncture your stomach. A lung. He might get all the way up to your throat. I honestly think that he's probably punctured many men's – Well, they don't know how he died. There's a lot of speculation on the internet of what killed him. Maybe. I would like to think that he died because all that blood was going to his cock, not his heart. Yeah.

Couldn't go back? I don't think I could go back. But I think getting that meme has been a golden nugget of my day. Because yeah, you're right. I have been panicking. I came in. I was panicking. I put up some new... Do you like the fish paper? I love it. New fish paper. And the whole time I was freaking out. I just want to talk about the days. Day to day? I want to talk about day to day. I honestly... And before we started this podcast, I was like, I don't even know what to talk about because it's like...

I'm a fucking zombie, man. I know. You wake up. You don't know what day it is. It doesn't matter when you wake up. I don't care. I haven't cared. It's really strange. This morning I woke up at 9 a.m., but yesterday I woke up at 3 p.m. You slept till 3 p.m.? Yeah. But you didn't go to bed till what time? Till 7, 8 a.m. Right. Because I was watching that Tiger fucking documentary. Oh, so good. I love that Tiger documentary. I'm Joe Exotic.

Oh, no. I was watching a National Age Geographic Tiger documentary. Oh. No. Yeah. I mean, you're Joe Exotic? I am Joe Exotic. Yeah. I want to be that other guy, Mogwan or whatever the guy with the elephant. Bogwan. Bogwan. Yeah. Well, his real name is Doc Anteel.

Is that really? Doc Anteel is who he is. You want to be Doc Anteel. And the reason being is because – well, first of all, I'm not gay. Same. I mean – Yeah. Who knows? This is who Bob wants to be. Yeah. Doc Anteel. I don't want to be any of these people. By the way, I don't want to be any – but if I had to choose – Because he had a harem of women. He had a harem – yeah, he's also – I feel like he took –

He took – number one, I want to talk about how you can manipulate women with fucking tigers. Tigers. Yeah, because white trash, they go, hey, honey. I've always wanted to take a photo with a fucking cub. Yeah, I want to take one. And then once the cub gets to a certain age –

You know what I mean? It's no longer like, it's like Hollywood. Yeah. It's like female girl, like girls in Hollywood. It's like Vegas. At 21, it's over. Yeah. Vegas. You know, the pool girls at Vegas. Oh yeah. My buddy lived in Vegas. He used to say that all the time. One of his friends was a pool girl and she's like, at 18, you're a fucking commodity. Yeah. By 22, 23. So funny. You're burnt. There was a, you know, that hotel, the standard. At the one in Hollywood. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. And they used to have those, um, they used to have this like gigantic, like,

window display where models Oh, would sleep. Sleep there. Yeah, yeah, I remember that. But I knew a girl that was an actress but that's one of the gigs that she had. Did she get paid good money? I don't know. I never asked her that but at one time I wrote something so she's laying there, right? And against the window I go, you're never going to make it out.

And I remember her reading it and just being so angry. You're never going to make it in business. You have to imagine, I'm in the front desk, like I'm at the hotel. This is what it looks like. Right behind my head is a woman in a cage, in a literal glass cage.

And I'm taking your, hi, what room number? And this woman is sitting, they're reading a book or they're on their laptop or they're on their phone. And she gets paid to just be in a case. Nine hours. Feminism, baby. Yeah, yeah. It's so sad to see like in L.A. to see actresses.

On the internet trying to be funny and stuff right now? But not only that. I just remember a time where you would see girls at the store. You'd meet them. And then three, four years later, it's just like – They work at the store now? No. They had to get addicted. I had this one girl that she was like, I'm an actress. This and that. And four years later, she got hooked on drugs. She came back. She looked like a homeless bag lady.

And she was actually successful as an actress at one point? No, she never made it. Oh, okay. Yeah, but you see a lot of that, man. Well, dude, I would say you see a lot more people that get a little bit of the thing and then they piss away their money, get into drugs, and then you see them years later and you're like, oh my God, how did you fall so hard? Oh my God, this is the craziest thing. So when I auditioned for Mad TV, this is real. I can't tell because this girl came back. Just don't say her name. I know, I'm not going to. Okay.

So I remember it was me. It was. 48, 49. Fuck you. I don't know when that show was on. No. There was this group. So when you're auditioning, obviously we have to tell people. When you're auditioning and then you get to the final audition, there was like six of us. It's called a test. A test. Yeah. But the day before the test, there was like a producer session. And I was walking out of the producer session with this girl that I knew from the comedy store. She was a.

but also a sketch person and an actress. I want to know so bad. I'll tell you later. Okay. And at the time, we got paid $4,500 a week. Oh, okay, okay. That was our deal. Right. So if you get the show, you get $4,500. Guaranteed. Yeah, and this girl was just like, nah, man. Nah, I need 10 grand.

As we're walking in the fucking parking lot. And she's never done anything. Never done anything. And I looked at her and go, no, I think, you know, me back then. I was, no, I think you should. I was really Asian. Yeah, what happened? I asked, no, I was like, I think you should take it. Yeah. You know, $4,500. Yeah. A week. Yeah. Nah, we should be getting 10 grand. It's a TV show, man. Right. So she knew something. Right. So she doesn't get it. She bailed out. She didn't test. Wow.

And then 12 years later, I was at a restaurant, right? And I'm ordering a meal and I look up and it's her. She's waiting. Wow. And instead of saying, oh my God, it's good to see you. She said, I should have taken it. No, it's stuck with her. Oh my God. I should have taken it.

All those years. Yeah, and I go, yeah. Can I have the BLT and a side Caesar salad and a Diet Coke, please? Yes, you should have. And our soups are going to come out soon, right? Oh, my God. I know. How fuck? It's so sad. But that happens, dude, because she was too cocky, huh? She thought she was bigger than the thing. You know, sometimes, you know. People think they're bigger than the thing. Guess what? Guess what? The thing doesn't give a fuck about you. Yeah. Who is that? Trenton, New Jersey. Answer it. Let's answer it.

Put it up to the mic. Hello? Bobby, come back to bed. I'm on my podcast. Come back to bed. Me and all the boys want you to come lay down with us. I answered your call during our podcast. We're only going to be 16 for a little while. I will call you right back. Love you, Bob. I'll call you after my podcast in a couple hours, okay? Come back to bed, Bob. That was the love boat? Is that who that was? Are you doing the love boat, the TV show, the love boat? You want to know what that is? Yes. It's an AA meeting that I go to.

No, that's not fun. I thought that was a job. No. It's called the love boat? It's called the life boat. Oh. And, you know, I have a disease called alcoholism and I need to treat it by going to- Shut the fuck up for a second. I need to treat it by-

going to meetings and getting contact with other members of AA. And if you ever mock me again, I'll rip your fucking eyes out. Shut up. Support me. I thought that was a Hollywood job. Why would I be on a show called Love Boat? There was a show called The Love Boat. Yeah, I'm not going to play that. What's that? Gopher or whatever his name is. So you're not known to do shows that went away and are coming back? Are you not known to do television shows that went away that came back?

fucking mad at me eyes and you did a game show that's just like another game show that already existed stop pretending god you do you do some revamped stuff that's okay have you no have you ever done revamped stuff I've never done a show that existed once that they brought back all right first of all I've done a lot of bad shows just in general but so have you mixology is great

Great work. Okay. I have it on Blu-ray. Okay. Great work. Okay. Wait, make fun of me now. I'm not going to. All right. I respect all your work. Well, go ahead. No, I like it all. I can't wait to see you in this Rob Gronkowski game show. And by the way, people have been Googling it. Shout out to Lifeboat, by the way. And shout out to people that are in AA and that need help. I'm a product of it. I highly believe in it.

Are you being real? You know I'm a kid of addiction. What do you mean? You know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really do believe in it. In fact, I think it's such a—you know, there's a lot of people that don't like rehab and that don't agree with meetings and they go their own way and all that bullshit. Yeah. I think it's such a great proven reinforcement that when people that I know that are addicts that don't choose to do it, it's a bummer. And there's nothing I can say to change their mind. I know. Don't touch your face.

Oh, yeah. Fuck. Fuck. Burn your face. Put your face over the candle. Here, here, here, here. Spray this on your face. Well, let me do it. Close your eyes. All over. It's natural, too. If you're listening to this podcast right now, I want you to take a second and look down. Let me see. When was the last time you shaved your junk, Andrew? Two years ago.

Two weeks ago. It's been a while. Don't lie. No, it's been two weeks. Let's take a second to thank our sponsor, Manscaped, for holding you accountable to get rid of the funk and shave your junk. Shave your junk, dude. Manscaped's the only man brand dedicated to below the belt waist grooming and hygiene. Bob uses it. I use it. I literally use it. I use it every other day. No, you shave that often? It's like a fucking Cambodian jungle back there. Down there, down there.

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No, it's perfect. I do it in the shower and it's all wavy. It's like a baby's bottom. Really? Yeah, it's very soft. I got a smooth sack. This third generation trimmer features a cutting edge ceramic blade to prevent manscaped accidents.

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No, because this morning I woke up. The reason why I woke up at 9 is because I did a Zoom AA meeting, and it works great. But I'm saying, do you think there's some people out there that this is really – think about this. I'm just putting life in perspective. There's a guy who makes an hourly wage. He works hard. He's an alcoholic. He's struggling. He's recovering, and he lost his job. Now he can't work, and times are tough.

No, because if – I'm going to be – I would tell you personally. I'm telling – This would crack me. But I'm going to tell you, you don't understand what it feels like to actually – not being a dry drunk, somebody that refuses to use spiritual elements –

Because that's what 12-step groups are, right? There's a spiritual element. Right, a higher power. It's not even just that. There is just a feeling that you have, right? And once that's in your bones and your blood, right, you're going to know that this is all meant to be. I'm in the right place. I'm going to live in the moment. And you're going to do all the necessary things to keep that condition alive inside you. Do you think getting clean made you a better comic?

Do you think going through what you went through? People have asked me that, and it's like regardless if it did or didn't, my life is more important than doing stand-up. So in a weird way, the addiction helped you really find your purpose in life. I know that I can't live –

with drugs and alcohol in my system. I just not made up. I unraveled really quickly. And I just can see... What I can do is I can look down the road when I'm using drugs and alcohol. I can look down the road and see where this is going to lead me. And that destination in my head is enough for me to go, I can stop now. Yeah. AA stuff was very real and good.

Yeah. I really liked it because you're struggling to crack. You call me on the phone. What do you mean? You sound like you're losing your mind over there with that broad that you live with. You talk to her too. I do. You text her too. I text her a lot because I want to make sure that everything is good. She has panic. She didn't want us to come do the show. No. You know why? Psst. Psst.

You know, a couple of people have called me and said, I don't know about that George. And I go, I don't know where he's been. What do you mean? Because he's in the farms? Yeah. George, honestly, why are people calling me not to trust you? A lot of people are saying that they shouldn't. Who the heck's calling you? I don't want to name names of people and put people on the fucking. No, we're not going to blow up people's spot. Yeah. No, I want to know who. I need to know who. No, but are you leaving the house? For walks. With who? My cousin. Making it up. Making it up. Making it up. Making it up. What a huge pause. Yeah. You're making it up.

What do you mean? You don't take this thing fucking seriously? Not even a little bit. Look at me. Have I ever worn one of these things before? You're right. That's for show. That's for show. We had people. I asked people to send us in what their food rations were. We got some good videos. This is Jeremy Roger. He sent this in. Hey, Andrew. Hey, Bobby. This is Jeremy from Syracuse, New York, originally from Puerto Rico. I'm just a spic living in New York. You know how it is. This is my pantry. I'm being real quiet because my roommates are out there. This is my secret stash right here. And some vinegar chips.

Fucking Twizzlers, combos, Chips Ahoy, some Cheez-Its. Yeah. Yeah, this is my quarantine pantry right now. If I run out, then I'm going to have to go to the store and really die. We'll see how far this lasts. This will probably last...

15 minutes because I'm about to get real high right now. But peace, guys. Thank you, bud. Shout out to Jeremy. That's his collection. This is Adam Bullock. I said, send in what's in your fridge. What are you eating? Hey, my friends. Today we got some pickle juice, some wieners, no homo, a nice towel, some Korean cheese, a soul spice.

Eggies, some soup, some human dog food, some human cat food, some maple syrup. I drink this straight. We got some liquid eggs. We got a cap. And we got, you know, the badass butter. And then in the freezer, we got some cheese mozzarella stick. Yeah, that's the way to go. You know my favorite part about this? Yeah. This motherfucker has a towel in his fridge. Look at that. A towel? Yeah. Why? There's something in the towel. Look at it.

I don't know. He just literally said it. It's like a human hand or something. Listen to what he says, though. A nice towel. A nice towel? Yeah, that's fucking weird. I don't think so. It's like saying, I have a fucking light bulb. I have a light bulb in here. I've got a couple of screws. I have a tire iron. Here's Ruben Rocha's.

He's stocked. Old milk. We got chips for days. So many chips. And a lot of salsas.

And that's all we've been doing. That's what's up. That's what's up. I love your podcast, guys. We love you too, dog. We love you too, bro. Some people have some good rations. Look at how many—by the way, how Mexican is this, dude? Look at all this. Look at that. I have that. That's tajin. I have that. That's tajin. That's nine types of hot sauce right there. Yeah. And then more hot sauce and Mexican sauce down there. Yeah, man. I love it, dude. What do you have in your house?

Just honestly, what have we been eating? Talenti gelato ice cream every single day. No, really? Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Yeah. I made Kalilah order me Lou Magnotti. Lou Magnotti. We've done this. My favorite pizza from Chicago. So we're getting – I just ate seven in a row.

Every meal, I eat seven in a row. I love how at the beginning of this podcast, we talked about losing weight. No, but I would do a pillow time for an hour. Oh, yeah. That'll make up for it. Do you know one of those pizzas has like 6,000 calories? And then here's another thing that they offered. Another thing they offered is a 12-pack Chicago hot dogs. Oh. I made her order that. Yeah. And then last night, I made her order Portillo's Bakery. What's it called? Porto's? Porto's. Porto's.

Porto's Bakery, but they can send you stuff that's not baked. You can bake it at home. Yeah. So we got 15 boxes of like chuckle chip cookies and meat pies and all these things. Look at this. And I've been eating all that. Now, what deep dish did you have from Lou Malnati's? I get the pack. I get the variety pack. So I'll get two cheese, two sausage, and two...

pepperonis. All right. So there's 670 there, 730 there. Wow. You're really good. So yeah. Wait a minute. 730 calories for what though? For the whole thing. One slice. For the whole thing. One slice. The whole thing. One slice. It doesn't matter. I don't give a fuck. It doesn't matter. 700 calories in one slice. How many slices are you eating? I eat the whole fucking thing. I'm not kidding you. I'll eat the whole fucking thing. Will you seriously? Yeah.

I'll eat the whole fucking thing. You can eat like four deep dish slices of pizza. I cut them into six, but yeah. Oh my God. Not in one sitting in like a 30-minute period. That's like 5,000 calories. I know. But then I'll do an hour on the Peloton. I guess that makes up for it. Yeah. How many calories do you think you burn on the Peloton? It only says 150. Okay.

That's like one bite of cheese. I know. That's like one bite of a corner of a piece. But I ride for an hour, and then at the bottom it'll say you only burned 150 calories. It doesn't make any sense.

Maybe it's because your output is not that high. It's not. I'm at the lowest. Are you doing the class? I refuse, no. So you just ride on it? I do free ride. Okay, that's not good. But I'll watch like- You should do the class. You know what I love doing? Is I'll take my fucking- You know I love disaster movies? Yes. Did you know that about me? Yes. I love Deep Impact. I love The Core. We all love those. I love Volcano. Volcano. Yeah, I love-

The Day After Tomorrow, I love. So what I'll watch is I'll put it. Did you like The Rock, that one that he did, like the earthquake one?

Who did The Rock? The Rock did one about an earthquake in Los Angeles. Oh, I like that one. That one was good? That was pretty good. Okay, good. I like that. Yeah. What, do you put it on the screen and watch it? So I'll watch it, but then I'll look down after I'm done, like halfway during a movie, and it'll say 150 calories. So are you sitting down riding? Do you stand up and ride and do that thing, or no? I never power ride. Why did you get a Peloton? Kalilah did. Yeah, it's for her. Yeah. Does she use it all the time? Yeah, but she does the classes.

And she'll do the weights. That's awesome. Let's go. Let's do it. Let's make it happen, right? Do you watch her on it? I'll just stare at her and watch it. And it's my turn. And then casual. But at least something. And I've been doing weights. So you're going to see my body transform. Honestly, I swear to God, I'll pay for a trainer. I will pay for a trainer to see you get jacked.

So you could be like Kumail Nanjiani and go from there. Yeah, I saw him there. That's what motivated me. He all jacked the fuck up. Yeah. He got in unbelievable shape. Yeah. I don't think he likes me much. Why? Because one time I did that show, This Is Not Happening. On Comedy Central? Yeah. Yeah. That's the one we talked about with Tom, yeah. Yeah, and then he, after he was done, he got off stage, and I didn't know him at all, but he knew I was there to do it. I was after him.

And I go, hey, man, that was great. And he didn't say anything to me. Really? Yeah. The same thing happened twice with Taylor Tomlinson. You said that's great. One time she was at the Laugh Factory and she got off stage and I go, wow, you're really good. And she just looked at me and walked away. Shut up. Yeah. She did that twice. And then when she became a paid regular at the store, she started saying hi. But that's all I can get out of her.

Maybe she's just not a social person. Yeah, I know. I've never said hi to her. We don't know each other. I know, but she's so good. I've never – we don't know each other even a little bit. It doesn't matter. It's like when you see somebody that good, she's good. I've never even seen her stand up. She's very good. She's a good writer, a very good performer, and she's beyond her years. So when I saw her at the Laugh Factory once, I just said –

You did a great job. And then nothing. Maybe she doesn't respect you as a comedian. That's what I said. Then I started asking that question around town. You thought maybe she doesn't respect you as a comedian? Yeah, so I went to people that knew her. I don't think she respects me. I swear to God, I did this. I went to Derek and Ahsan. They live together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they knew her from San Diego. And I said, I don't think she likes me. And they go, well, I don't know if this is true or not, but they said...

She's a little weary of dudes from the comedy store. This is before she became a paid regular. Why?

I don't know why because I think that – Because we beat and rape and pillage in the basement of the Comedy Store? No. I think the Comedy Store comics – imagine being somebody that's not a regular and then going there. I can only assume – We were all people that weren't regulars and then went there and became regulars. I know, but do you remember it being hard? It was impossible. That's what I'm saying. Big fucking deal. Everything is hard in stand-up. Stand-up is a nightmare. I still didn't like not respect regulars.

I don't know what the reason was. Maybe I think she doesn't like you. She probably doesn't. God, I want to ask her so bad. I'm going to go up to her and be like, hey, I'm going to quit the podcast with Bobby because I fucking hate him. What do you think about him? But then a lot of it's in your head, right? Almost all of it is in your head. I know. That's probably in my head. And then here's how I know it's in my head. For years, I thought, what's this Indian guy's name? Kumail Nanjiani? No, the other one.

Well, there's more than one. Fahim? Aziz Ansari. Yeah. For years, I would say out loud. Aziz is Pakistani, right? Isn't he from Pakistan? Whatever. He's a human being. Is he? I don't know. For years, I would say around town. I would literally say that that guy hates me. Yeah. Just not knowing if he does or if he doesn't? Yeah, I would just say it. Do you like him? I love him.

He's so talented. No, I mean as a guy. Do you know him as a guy? No, I didn't really know him. So how would he – Because the thing I remember, like it was social situations. I would say hi, and maybe he didn't see the hi or whatever. Sure. I don't think these people dislike you. But then here's what – one day he came up to me and goes, hey, you're really funny, man. I loved you on WTF, I think he said, and he was super sweet to me. That's nice. Yeah, and then in my head I was just like –

Oh, it was all in my head. It is. Why is that? Because comedy is based on people who are insecure already, and so we're now more insecure. It's everybody in comedy. You're insecure? Littered. What are you insecure about? Everything. That's why I yell at you all the time. Yeah. Sometimes I make fun of you, and I know sensitive spots. So many. I know. I mean, everybody has them. I know, and then you get really angry. Of course. Yeah. Isn't that part of it all? What are my sensitive spots, do you think?

I'm asking you so it's okay to say. Ask me. I mean, tell me what you think I would be insecure about. Your weight, your height, your penis. No, you show that a lot. Your weight, your height. No, those are things. I'm being real. I'm telling you, you should be. But I'm not.

I'm not. No. What are you insecure about? I know. The one thing that you're the most insecure about, no jokes, all jokes aside, is stand-up. Yep. It's like the biggest, most insecure. It's like the biggest. I'm so insecure about it. No, I know. I know. But we don't talk about it, and we don't talk about the idea of, you know, fans constantly ask why you don't put out a special. People at the comic store talk about it. Comics that you're friends with go, they ask me.

You know Bob. Why doesn't Bob put out a special? 10,000 people a day. And the thing for me is that I need somebody to ask me to do one. Yes and no. Yes. You could also make a bigger move to one. No, I need somebody to ask me. Okay. I'm sorry. You could go a little out of your way. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Let me defend myself. Okay. All right? I'm sorry. Okay. Okay. Is that – listen, I feel insecure about gloating.

Yeah, about bragging about your accomplishments? Not accomplishments, but just the amount of time I've been doing it, what I've done is what I'm saying. What you've done? This is eight years on a sketch show on national TV, being a fat Korean dude. On SNL? It's literally on MADtv. Oh, on MADtv? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a sketch show? Yeah. Yeah. All right, so eight years on that, right? I've been in a bunch of movies and TV shows. You've done a ton of stuff. A ton of shit, right? Yeah.

I mean, a regular at all the clubs. I sell out everywhere I go as a stand-up. My podcasts that I do, Tiger Belly and This Bad Friends, are popular. Yes. I just think that somebody should call me and go, hey, you want to do something? What do you think is holding you back? Nothing. So why do you think no one's calling you? I suck. No. That's not it. But in my head, that's what I think. This is a perfect...

This is such a great microcosm of what's going on. Watch what I'm going to tie in right now. All right, I love it. This is what I want. Like a fucking, like a psychologist. This is what I need. In the same way you assumed Aziz Ansari, Taylor Tomlinson, XYZ, Continua, whomever, didn't like you or didn't respect you, is the same way you feel about these places that you think, why don't they ask me? So instead of you going, Taylor,

Hey, do we have a weird is it a weird thing with you? Because I want to let you know that I don't have a weird thing with you. If there's something about me, I wish you would tell me. And then she would go, no, I didn't. I didn't think that I thought we were good in the same way as having my agent or my manager go, hey, Netflix, Amazon, HBO. You know, Bobby wants to do a special, but he thinks you guys don't want to do one with him. Wait, really? Does he think that because we just didn't think he really wanted to do one? We don't know.

These are the same things taking place in your life. If you don't ask, you won't know. And this is exactly why I wanted to even bring it up. Okay. Because it's not a war. What do you mean? I'm going to say that. I didn't say anything negative. Can I say something, Brad? Yes. But what you don't understand is I'm diabolical and crafty. And if they say no, you're going to blow up the building? No, no, no. That's not what I want to say. What I'm saying is that—

But this is how I've always been. Yeah. Whether you like it or not. Oh, I like it. Right? And it gives me motivation. Because if I don't have an enemy, honestly, I make up enemies. Who's your enemy now? I'm not going to say it. Please? I can't say it because we'll have to bleep it out. We'll bleep it. We bleeped last week and it was fun. I'm not going to say it because I don't want George to keep bleeping shit. Yeah, but it's fun if you say it.

No, but I have people out there in my head that I perceive as people that are against me, and it motivates me to write. It motivates me to go do more stand-up. Even if it's not true? Yes. You fabricate it and you enjoy it. I fabricate enemies in my mind to motivate me, and I don't think that that's healthy. No. Right? Not even a little bit. I don't think it's healthy, but it is, I think, the truth.

But do you think that you don't – well, okay, this is self-sabotage. What do you mean? This is you saying essentially you're okay with self-sabotage. I'm not sabotaging anything because I know at the end of the day I'm going to win. But you're sabotaging – Because I want to win. You're slowing down the process instead of just going – No, I'm slowing down the process. Why don't you go directly to Netflix or Amazon or whomever and go, hey, I want to do a special? Because I'm not ready yet. What? I got to get – I need about another 15 minutes. I'm good. What? What?

You do, you have hour, you probably have two, three hours of material. No, I need a 15 better minutes. Let's write it right now. No, I'm not going to write a fucking 15 minutes with you right now. Let's write it right now. No, I'm not going to write 15 fucking minutes right now. Hey, so I'm Korean.

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Because we did that show with Brian Kallum. A lot of pro-Trump stuff coming out of me lately. No. Build the wall. No. What? No. No. And this is what I – because I hadn't seen you in a while, and we did that show, Brian Kallum's show at the Laugh Factory. I was sitting there, and I wanted you to fail. Because you just went on and crushed. I did pretty good.

You did kill. I went on right after you. Yeah, and I sat there, and you did something. There was a moment in your set. There was a minute where you – I forgot what it was, but you were being real, and you had a message. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. And like you were making a point. Yes. A lot of stand-ups, you know, we just want to go for the kill. But you're revolving to the point now in your stand-up where you're saying messages and having your point of view rather than – and I really like that. Thank you. It's very nice. D'Elia went up after you. I appreciate you saying something nice. Yeah, D'Elia did go up after me.

And the reception was not as good. Yeah. What a crazy show. You, me. Me, you, Chris D'Elia, Brian Callen. Wait. Bill Burr. Burr. Yeah, Bill Burr. I can't believe we forgot Bill Burr. What a great show. Bill is a... You know what I love about Bill?

And I'm going to say something positive about the book. Okay. Best comic in the country. In the world. One of the best. To me, yeah. To me, too. I love watching him. Me, too. He doesn't – I learned from him. He's so good up there. Worst comic in the country is who? Go ahead. I can't say it. But when I saw Bill playing with his daughter – Oh. I saw Bill. We were at a thing, and I saw him playing with his daughter, and he was out there for hours playing.

playing with his daughter and I was just like, oh, he's a good dad too. It made me like my heart warm. Good comma, good dad. Yeah. You'd be a shitty dad, huh? I don't know. I babysit you every fucking time we do this. Yeah. You're my child. People don't realize you're my child. Why? Because they don't know. Oh, dude, speaking of our mutual child, I did promise your favorite King Black that we'd call him.

Wait, wait, wait. Before you do, though. He did say... Eric Griffin said... Before you do... Will y'all do me a favor? Will y'all call me on the show? I said, of course we'll call you on the show. He said, well, well... He was... He fucking... He was harassing me. Wait, why? I'm just reading the thing. Before you call him, I'm going to put this out. Well, no. Let's talk to him about it. No, no, no. Before you call him, just let me do this. Okay. All right? So he goes...

He texted me like three or four times. We texted last night. I didn't respond. Right. So his last text to me was, really? You have to talk shit about me so bad all the time? Geez. He said, y'all ready to Skype? Right. And then, yeah. And then I go, I lied. And I said, I have personal shit going on right now, man. I can't talk right now. Relax. Oh. Right. Well, he's going to hear this.

Yeah, that's fine now because this will come out next week. I can deal with it next week. But I don't know if I can deal with it now. Yeah. You're going to call him? Yeah. I want to call him because I want to. But we had to keep the lie on that I had personal shit, but I can't tell him what it is. Well, let's inflate it. Let's inflate it. Let's make the lie even more prevalent. What is the lie, you think? Well, let's make it up right now. Yeah, before we sit. My cousin has it. No, no, no, no, no. Something...

There was a scare. It's got to be something about Kalilah or your mom or your brother for it to be real to him. No, because he's best friends with my brother. My brother and I, him talking. It can't be my mom. Kalilah then. No, it has to be. What? Something about Kalilah. Kalilah's friend? Okay, here's the deal. Yeah. This really happened. Okay. So when I was in Denver, Kalilah's friend-

hung out in the green room with us yeah and then the next day i flew out and she has a week later she now has it no yeah bob what what if you have it i don't have it it's been 11 days okay but let's say kalilah thinks she has it there was a scare that she thought she has it okay okay i'll call him right now are we turned on okay there we go i mean he's the one that was like y'all ready to skype he said it to me i know hello

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? What up? What's up, baby boy? What's up, baby boy? Oh, brother. Oh, here we go again. We said, what's up, baby boy? What's up? What's the problem, Griff? Ain't no problem with everyone. What are you doing? I'm washing the toilet. You're washing your toilet? Yeah. I just flushed it because I just dropped a deuce.

Oh. Your asshole should stay fresh at all times in this time. How's that facial hair? It's still off. So when you texted me, were you mad that I didn't text you back right away? Bobby, you never text back right away, okay? Then what are you angry about? What do you mean angry? What are you talking about? I saw your freaking podcast where all you're doing is talk shit about me. What did he say? What did I say all the fucking about?

Oh, what am I talking about? Oh, I'm probably going to – this is your words. I'm probably going to get in trouble for this, but I told Griffin if I got it, I'm going to die. Do you think you're going to die? You know what I mean? Are you going to go on to this story? But didn't that happen? Didn't that happen?

You said to me, you said to me, I'm going to be fine. First of all, I did not say that. I'm trying to look positive. Listen, I'm not the little fuck that smokes and eats like a crazy person, okay? That's you. All right? So, yes, I see why you're worried. Don't bring me down. I found it offensive that you thought that if I died from it, that you wouldn't die as well. Yeah. You would die as well.

No, I'm not. Not at all. I'm healthier than you think. Don't let the side fool you. All right. So, Griff, what you're saying is you think Bobby would die before you. Oh, yeah, for sure. Bobby would go, like, in a second. You know what I mean? Why? He would just, like... You know, it's just... I think that Corona would live stronger in his hefty head. You know what I'm saying? So, it would, like...

This fuck. This is because... What are you saying? You fuck. You think that my head is big? You think my head is fucking big? Have you ever seen your head? Have you ever seen your head? It's proportioned to my body. Yeah, and your body is gigantic. Yeah, but your body... How many times do I have to tell you you look like a honey bottle? You know what I mean? Why? Because I'm yellow?

Well, that would be a mustard bottle inside of a honey bottle. I'm just happy that you're watching the show. That just shows that you really watch the episode. No, no, no. Listen, listen. I have to because people keep sending me the links. They keep sending me the clips. Look at this, Griffin. Why? Because you were talking shit about me. I didn't talk any shit about you, Griff.

Oh, oh, about the vitamin, I think mac and cheese is vitamin. Did I say that? Did I say that? Yeah, you did. Yes, you did. You did. But you know what? You did. You know what? We say this to your face. We all say this to each other's face because we love each other.

That's why. Saying it to my face is one thing, but to all the people that watch your podcast, do they need that? It's not that many people. It's not that many people. Oh, my. Oh, listen to you guys. It's not that many people. Oh, my God. Dude, the reason why we talk about you is because we love you. We fucking love you. Yeah. Just like Hitler talked about the Jews. Yeah. You have a point there. Yeah, pretty similar.

You're not even going to defend yourself? You're not going to go right with that? Hey, what are you making for dinner right now? Are you cooking? Are you having your lady cook? Actually, I've been doing a lot of cooking. No, I know because he's doing a cooking show. Do you know this? He's been doing a cooking show online. Oh, really? Yeah, he's been doing a cooking show online. Well, it's not a cooking show. I just cook online live on Instagram because I'm bored as fuck. Sounds like a cooking show to me. I got this paleo shit from this place called Sun Basket.

Don't plug your sponsors on our show. First of all, I wish they were a sponsor. They're not a sponsor. But it's like those pre-made, you make it yourself. They just send you everything you need. There's a lot of companies like that. Can you spray my face again? Like 20 minutes, 20, 30 minutes it takes to cook. And it's pretty great. Meals for two and it's like $11. I feel like I'm getting it just by hearing him talk.

Oh, Jesus Christ. You hear what I'm saying? Barely. I'm just freaked out by your voice. But I said, since what I said is... You know what, Bobby? Your butthole is probably ground zero for Colombo. Okay? All the nonsense that's going on. Yeah, yeah. Griff, Griff. That yellow cave of wonder. Will you send us a video? We can put up an episode of you cooking something?

Oh my God. Please? Okay. Yeah. Now I need you two fucks to call me on Skype later. Today? Can we do tomorrow? For my podcast. Wait, what do you mean? Oh, because you want to video chat it? Yeah, we video chat and I put it on my little podcast that's not good enough for you guys apparently. That's not true. We both watch your show. We watch it here.

We watch it. You use it to talk shit. That's not true. In fact, Bobby and I sat the other night. We sat and just watched a couple episodes straight of Riffin' with Griffin. Yeah. Wow. You guys are better liars than this. No. I'm telling you. Some of my favorite episodes on there. There's one of me that I like. Pretend like you're going to call me that. Oh, cool. You just watched your guy's episode, didn't you? Who's that guy?

This is riffing with Griffin. We're talking to riffing. Here we go. Oh, it's a 75. What's up, everybody? If you ever wonder what the snuffleupagus is going to look like without hair, that's what it looks like. Hey, is that song cleared or are we going to get clipped by YouTube? Is that your music?

Yeah, that's my music. You made it up from scratch, right? I came and I did it on the singing mic. Yeah. No, you didn't. Go look at your episode. You didn't do it on the singing mic. You were actually being raped. What did I do? You were like, this is so black. Can I answer emails while we're doing this? Wait. Here we go. Let's see what I did. Baby, baby. I've never done your fucking show. Have I done your show? You don't know if you've done his show. I haven't been on this set before, Eric. Yes, you have because you were talking shit about the bricks, you piece of shit. Ha ha!

I did it? Yeah, you did. And then you did a, wait, wait, wait, wait. By the way, then you did a whole separate Patreon podcast episode talking shit about my place. I was sent that clip too. What did he say about your place? What did he say about your place? He just was talking shit. He says, Bobby does. You know what I'm saying? That's what he does. Yeah.

Honestly, though, during this whole epidemic that we're going through, pandemic, and I've been thinking about who my friends and family are. I'm not kidding you. You're in my top five. Of the people I love the most. I really do love you. Don't get sentimental on me now, piece of shit. He means it. I believe him.

But is Andrew like number seven? I'm just curious. I think Andrew now is in my top ten as well. We have to go now because I have to talk about something else. Hey, Griff. We love you. Here we go. Here we go, Eric, getting offended and getting sensitive. Hey, plug your show right quick. Do like a radio drop like the old school days. Go. Oh, my God. Make sure you watch Ripper with Griff.

That felt good. I love him. Yeah. I fucking love him so much. Talk about who just texted you. All right. So here's, this is very sensitive, but I have to call him back. You know, in fact, I don't think I should call him online, live, but no. Why not? Tell him, can I call you live on my show? Ask, can I call you live on my show? While you're sending that text, tell everyone who you're talking about. Okay. I'm talking about Carlos Mencia here. And what happened?

I don't know if people know this, but for the first six years of my stand-up career as an open mic-er, I used to open for Carlos Mencia. Yeah. I probably did over 500 shows with him when I was young. I went all over the country. Wow. And, you know, I used to open for him and Pauly Shore. Mm-hmm. So when it comes to those two people specifically, I get a little sensitive because, you know...

I know things about them that other people don't know, obviously. So I've been talking about him on Tiger Belly and some other things, and he's been in comedy jail for a long time. Two decades. 15 years. Okay, two decades minus five. Yeah. And his argument has always been –

him defending his position about stealing jokes, about what bits. All right. And my argument has always been that even if you did it a two or three times or whatever it might be, I don't know exactly the number. Right.

I don't know what the – I don't know why you're smiling. I'm not smiling. You're smiling. I'm smiling because you're – I don't know what the number is. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what specifically the number is. I'm being very genuine. I don't care. I mean I don't know because I don't care. Thank you. Thank you. I just don't – Regardless of what the number is, is that you should just do a blanket statement, right? Yeah.

I'm sorry. Yeah. Right? Because there have been times where I had seen him write a bunch of bits on his own, work shit out, right? You're saying he didn't steal everything. Yeah. I think the thing is that people – People think he did. Even today, right, even when he's on stage, they think that everything that he's saying he's stealing, which is impossible because he doesn't do open mics and – you know what I mean? He doesn't go – I don't think he sees enough people –

do live stand-up for him to steal. And I think he's very sensitive about it now. So he's a little bit more paranoid about what bits he puts out there, but still everything that he does now is under the lens of he's stealing everything, which I don't think is the case. But the problem is that by him defending specific bits from the past gets him in trouble because, you know...

Instead of defending the bits that you claim that you wrote, just let it all go. Do a blanket statement that I used to steal. I'm so fucking sorry. I will make amends for that. And to move on I think is the best way to go, and that's what the conversation was outside. What did he say when you said you should just say sorry? He said it hurts his heart. To say sorry. To say sorry to all of it? To admit that he was stealing? Yeah.

I think that he admits to stealing some, but not all. And I just think that... What hurts? I don't understand. It hurts to say... Because there are bits that people are accusing him of stealing that he didn't steal in his opinion. Oh, okay. I get it now. And I think that...

And that's pretty much the conversation that I have with him. Listen, I— But he's not going to say sorry is what he's saying? No, I think that he is now at a point where he is going to say sorry. He's going to go on Rogan and do it? I don't think that Rogan would have him. It'd be crazy if he did though, huh? Yeah, it'd be great if he did. If he went on there and was like, hey, let's talk about it. I think Ned would be open to doing it as well. Oh, he should. I mean, I don't know if Joe would ever do that, but man, would it be amazing to watch. For people that don't know what we're talking about, Carlos Mencia and Joe Rogan got into an argument at the Comedy Store yesterday.

15 some odd years ago about stealing jokes and the clip went viral. This is before viral was a real thing, by the way.

That kind of was like on the precipice of the internet. In fact, what was scary about it is that I got caught in the middle of it. Yeah, you were. You're in the video on the patio. I was on the video on the patio, and everyone knows that I was his opener. So it's like when that happened, I was getting a lot of messages myself saying that you're a thief too or you piece of shit. You've never stolen anything. Ever. Because everything you've done is so bad that who could you steal that from? It's such trash.

I love it. No, of course not. What you're doing. But... No, dude, you have... But the point is you got roped into a weird thing and... I was caught... And so what I had to do back then was I had to literally cut ties. I had to cut ties with Carlos. Well, let's finish what happened for people that don't know. I'm sure most people know, but what happened was is the comedy store chose Carlos over Rogan. Rogan was, in so many words...

I don't know if he was banned, but he didn't come back around. It was almost like the store leaned towards Carlos and that divided the store a little bit. That was a real... That time, I was an open mic-er back then. And young. That was a real fucking difficult time because it's like... I was friends with Joe Jogan as well. I was with Buff Eyes as well. I loved them. And I had to...

cut ties with somebody that helped me out a lot and I had I've only seen him since then maybe five times damn I never had him on Tiger Belly ever because of the fact that George I didn't ever want to bring it up but he just said I want to hash it out so we'll have him on Tiger Belly and and talk about it and talk about it Jesus Christ you know Ken Jung and Joel McHale started a podcast you think that this is what they're going to be talking about did they really yeah did they really yeah

Wow. This is what they're going to be talking about or they're going to be talking about stuff that we should be talking about. Like what? Like television and the nature of, you know. G-rated. Pass. Yeah. Yeah. They're not going to say – no. Their podcast isn't going to say what our podcast says. Hmm.

They're doing the white and the Asian thing. That pisses me off though. They're copying us hard. Yeah, but we went first. We were first. Well, tell them. Can we call him and tell him? Call Ken and tell him that he's copying us. I'll tell you why I can't call him. Why? God, I – Why can't you call him? I want to say this. Yeah. Number one, I honestly in my heart, all right –

I love the guy. Sure, yeah, we know. You know that, right? Yes, I know. Went on tour with him. Yep. He was my doctor. I went to his wedding. Yeah, I know. You guys are friends. Yeah, we're friends. But when I asked him to do Tiger Belly, my podcast, he wanted me to talk to his publicist first to go through the questions.

Oh, because he wanted to know what you were going to say. Yeah, so... Yeah, because he's in the Hollywood thing, dude. Yeah, so that's a Hollywood thing. So for me... He doesn't want you to say some dumb shit. I don't want to call him because he probably won't pick up. And then also he'll be like, wait a minute, wait a minute, guys. You know, and I don't want that. That's good. Let's trap him. Let's call him out on his shit. No, no, no. We're not trapping him. Call him out on the fact that he fucking stole our idea. He didn't steal... He just happens to be Korean. The other... What, Joe McCann? Joe McHale. John McCain? He happens... John McCain and Ken Jeong. Yeah. Yeah.

He just happens to be... A Korean guy and a white guy. Yeah. Okay. Same. Stole it. Stolen? They stole it from us. Yeah, but they're starting one. I wonder if it'll beat us. No way. We're going to do everything in our power to make sure it doesn't beat us. But if it does, what will happen? I'm going to try to kill one of those guys.

I'm going to make a vape on them. Would you really be angry? If they topped us? Yeah. There's a few people on the charts that I'm mad about that they top us. There's a few people that would make me mad, yeah. Okay, who's on the charts that make you angry? Jenna Fisher and... Can I just say this? That makes me so mad that they're number two and three in comedy. I know, but Jenna... In comedy!

I love Jenna. More comedy! I love Jenna. So what? I don't dislike her either. She's great. I don't dislike these people. She's a wonderful person, you fuck. I don't dislike these people. I was on a sitcom with her for two years splitting up together, ABC. I'm mad. Cancel. I'm mad. I'm mad that it beats us on the charts. That's just pure jealousy. Yeah, but they're just more talented. No, they're not. And they're not comedians. And this is a comedy podcast and we're comedians. They're better and they're more talented than us. You think that show is better than this show?

Yeah, it has to be. They're doing better. No, it's because they have way bigger names than we do. Because they both run the fucking office. We're losers. Yes. Yeah, our names are losing. And? Yes. And? Fine. Yeah. But can I say this? To back our shit up? Mm-hmm. For being losers...

Doing pretty fucking good. They're doing okay. Yeah. Yeah, for being loose. Yeah. And I think that's what makes – So if Ken and John McCain beat us – Ken and John? If Ken and John beat us, I'll be bummed. But I'll get it because they're bigger than us. And they will. They will, and then we'll just be angry. Maybe we beat Conan. Conan's bigger than us.

Yeah, but Conan has other things going on. I think that, you know, we have other things going on as well, but this is a pretty big deal for us. Look, it's not a competition. I don't care, but it means a lot to me. It sounds like a competition. I don't like that they beat us on the comedy charts. Mm-hmm.

And Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is up there every single week. I've never heard anybody that listens to that. Who? There's a show called Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me on NPR. You know what that is? No. They're literally the number two comedy podcast every single week. Okay, good. And there must be more talented and better than us. That doesn't – that's not what that means. That's not what that means even a little bit. To me, that's what it means. So, okay. So everyone that's above you is more talented and better than you? Yeah, but everyone beneath me is less talented.

I like that. Yeah, and that's what feels good. Look, this Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is up here. Let's see. Where? Hold on. Yeah, there it is. Hold on. I saw I passed it. Okay, so this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. I just want to play a chunk of it. Let's see if it's much fun. It's comedy, by the way. And they rank number... It's going to make me feel insecure and jealous. Why? Why? Because what if they're insanely good?

Well, if they're better than us, they're better than us. How long are we going to listen? For two seconds. All right. They had Stephen Colbert at home, along with panelists Maz Jobrani, Paula Poundstone, and somebody else. That's a great crew of people. Support for this podcast and the following methods. Garbage. I hate it already.

Support Greedy's Bad Game. I'm just fucking around, okay? Here we go. Negative. It's come from Hulu. I'm just fucking around. With Hulu Plus Live. Here is your host from a jacuzzi filled with hand sanitizer somewhere in Chicago, Peter Segal. Thank you, Bill, and thanks to everyone listening at home. This week, we are going old school.

The older members of our audience might remember that for the first seven years of this show, we did it in a studio. The very studio where I now sit, in fact. Stop right now. Stop right now. Sorry, I fell asleep down there at the beginning of that. Hey, guys. I know, but what we're doing now... Is mean. Is mean. I know. Eh.

And if somebody else were to do that to ours? First of all, I'm punching up. I'm punching up. They're better than us. They're better than us. They're more successful. They're more successful and they're better. So I'm jealous. All right. I'm allowed to be jealous and punch up as a joke at NPR. But the 30,000. I'm sure that guy's a great host. I'm sure the show is great. But the 30,000 podcasts that are underneath us.

We're better than them. And that's the most – yeah. No, I don't dislike that guy. I don't know those guys. I just am jealous. I'm jealous that they chart every week. It's unbelievable. You know what I found in – what I found that I had to do in the last 10 years of my comedy career is to get involved with groups of people that I don't think –

have the same cachet as other people that I know, you know? But you learn to collaborate and you learn to support and you learn to figure out that some things might not be my cup of tea, but, you know, it doesn't necessarily mean it's bad. No, of course not. Just because it's not what you like doesn't mean it's bad. No. There's a lot of music out there that people love that I can't stand, but it doesn't mean it's bad music. Yeah. It's just not for me. But that's not a comment about that show. No.

I'm just commenting on the fact that I'm jealous that these shows are better than us every week. They rank better than us. I'm sure Jenna's a nice girl. I'm sure Angela's a nice girl. I'm just being jealous. I'm just being honest. But we talk about things, though, that they would never talk about. I think that's why. Angela calls Jenna Fisher ching-chong every single episode. They do fake Asian accents to begin the show. That's how they start their show. I'm dead serious.

That's how they start the show. Yeah, they do. It's impossible. Their intro music is... That's not what it is. Yes, it is. And she goes... She does this whole bit. You've never heard that show? No. That's what she does. Wow. Yeah. She's still great. I know. Very talented. I agree. No, I do love Jenna. No, of course, dude. It's... I'm just joking around. She snapped at me once. Why? Why?

Because... On the show? Yeah, we were shooting and it was on her coverage and I was behind the camera. I know. You were fucking around. No, I just started playing Candy Crush or whatever. You were fucking around. I was fucking around. What, you don't do that? No, I don't. Well, you know... When it's on somebody else's coverage, I don't fuck with the actor. I wasn't fucking with her. I was just saying the lines. On your phone, playing Candy Crush while you're... Yeah, I was saying the lines. But on your phone, that's so disrespectful. She wasn't... I was just...

Saying the lines. So she can't even look at you in the eyes and get... She can look at my head. My head's there, dog. It's basically you just putting up... You should just put up a picture of you while you can look down and play the game. Yeah, I didn't have one of those. Why don't you just get a stand-in if you don't like reading lines so much? No, it was just that one particular... I had a... It wasn't Candy Crush. It was a... I had to finish the level. Stardew Valley. No, it's not Stardew Valley. You can't play it on your phone. Stardew Valley is a very complex game. Please don't make fun of it. I'm not making fun of it. You're 50. Go ahead. What did she do? What did she do?

She just kind of called me out. Are you fucking kidding me? She's right. I know she is. Yeah, are you fucking kidding? Why would you? I started blushing. Yeah. And then... Like as if you had a couple of beers or something. Yeah. You started blushing. And then I think I walked away.

Because I don't like you were embarrassed. I think I was embarrassed. You don't like confrontation. That's why I hate it. Yeah. But in that realm, it's very embarrassing when you get checked down. I got checked out. Melissa Leo yelled at me like like me and me and Griff like fucking chilled. I mean, dude, like children. Like what? It was embarrassing as fuck. What'd she say? Well, we were on the other side. Me, Al Madrigal and Griffin were on the other side, the completely other side of the room. She couldn't have heard us. Didn't even know. We're in the background of her shot. I'm talking no shit. 30, 40 feet away.

And we're supposed to be chumming it up in the hallway. That's literally what we're supposed to be doing in the background of the scene. So we are. We're just kind of quietly being like, well, yeah, I mean, if we start late tomorrow, we're supposed to be talking. She stops. Runs behind it. Runs behind. I mean, runs behind the crew. Sprints. And is like, quiet. Be quiet. I mean, like we're children. Wow. And what did you do? You know what I did? We all went like this. What?

So embarrassed. I was so embarrassed. It's so embarrassing. It's embarrassing. You feel like an idiot. We were also not doing anything wrong. I think it just – we were – it got in her head when she looked over and saw us. Yeah. She kind of wanted it out of sight, out of mind type of shit in the background. Yeah. She lit us, dude. She lit us up a bunch. Oh, you know what? I was on a commercial once and the director – I couldn't get this line out. It's a stupid commercial. And the director goes, all right, everyone, form a circle.

So like you're talking about a crew of 100 people, whatever. They formed this gigantic circle. You get in the middle. You. Me. Yeah. So I'm in the middle of a circle. I'm kidding you. I'm not kidding you. This happened. Everyone point your finger. Everyone points their fingers. Repeat after me. You're the worst actor in L.A. Yeah. And they all did that. Truth. And my face just failure sweat. Why would the director do that?

Because he's a bad guy. Didn't he tell me this story? What's that guy's name? I can't tell you the name. Oh, okay.

We did it on two weeks ago. You had said that he was the inspiration for... Oh, I already said that story? You said he was the inspiration for... Cut it out, though. We are going to cut it. He knows. You had said he was the inspiration for some guy in the... Viggo Mortensen. Yes. That's right. We already said that. No, Viggo from... I'm so sorry. I said that story. He was, actually. You can cut it out? No, he's going to cut it. Now I'm blushing. Don't blush. No, I already wrote it down. He knows. But also...

I do so many fucking podcasts. It's like I can't even. That's why I've told you you need to stop. I can't even. But you need to stop. You need to do our podcast and your podcast and that's it. I know, but it's just so much talking. But no more. It's ours and yours and that's it. No more. You can't do any more podcasts. I'm putting a fucking break on it. But do you ever repeat stories on podcasts? I'm sure. I mean, how could you know? I mean, how could you? You know what I mean? There's been so many times where I've...

Set a story that I think I said that I don't. You ever done that on stage when you do a second show and it's like the second night of the second show and you go, did I tell that the earlier show? I've done that before. Yeah, I do that about jokes all the time. I go, it'll be the second show on a Saturday. So you've done three shows. Yeah. And I'll get in my head in the middle of a joke and go, did I tell this joke in the first show or did I did it on this show already? Or was it last night that I did it? Have you ever done this? I've done that. Told the joke and not get that big of a laugh.

And then say, did I tell that joke already? I've never done it because I'm too afraid. I've said that before. And they go, yes, right? No. Oh, you never have. I never have. But the laugh wasn't big enough for me to go, that was fresh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So in my head, I'm like, I might have told it. Yeah. I've done a thing where I've told a joke.

I've told a joke at the beginning of the set, and then because I rearrange my set all the time, at the latter half of the set, I do a piece of that joke that led me into another joke that I didn't do before. And I hear myself do it, and I feel so embarrassed. I did it in La Jolla last year, and I felt so embarrassed. They don't know.

You're doing an hour. They don't fucking know. They don't know, yeah. No, thank God, but... But have you ever done this where you're... The show... I don't... It hasn't happened for a while, but like... I had this one show where I'm like, I'm eating it. This is hard. It was a second show Friday night. So I'm like, I'm gonna cut this bit. I'm gonna get to the... I'm gonna condense the setup so that the punches are closer together. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then I got off stage and the manager goes, you just did 12 minutes. You cut out 40 minutes of show? Yeah.

Did you go back? Shut up. You just walked out? They didn't pay me for that show. Yeah, they shouldn't. That's insane. That's not even a regular comedy store stuff. I know. It was that hard, that audience stuff. You know you know comics that don't really like you, but you can feel that they do it because it's part of the thing? I know.

I know I can name so many of them. No, but it's not even the comics. It's groups of comics. 100%. Right? I know who you're – There's a snotty, like, you know what I mean? Snotty, Ivy League-y. Yeah. You know what I mean? Brainy group of comics out there. Yeah, like the Harvard kids. Yeah, that look down at us, but they say hi, especially at certain turfs, like the comedy store and, like, the clubs. Yeah.

Because the clubs is our terrain. Yeah, that's our house. It's our house. Yeah, you're in my house. But now, you mean the Snotsnots, right, are dangling down to our level because this is where the audiences are now. And that's the cool place to be. Because for many years, it was Largo and some of these other places. Did you ever play Largo? One time, and I never did it again.

I met the guy that runs Largo at Jones on 3rd. He was having lunch with someone I know. And the guy said, you know, I understand. And he said, no, I don't think we've ever met. I said, hi, nice to meet you. And he said, do you know who he is? I said, no, I don't know who that is. And he goes, are you serious? He said, Andrew's a great stand-up. How do you guys not know each other? And the guy goes, I don't know. And I go, I don't know him. I don't know who you are. And he literally goes, he runs Largo. I said, oh, okay. And he goes, we'd love to get you in there. And I was like, oh, that's great. I mean, I don't know. No diss on him. It just, that's...

That was never my world. I don't, you know what I mean? Yeah. It's like, I don't know. Well, it's not even that it's not my world. It's just that I don't even know how to get in there. I don't know where to go. I don't even know where to park. No one ever asked me. I don't even know if there's a door to get in. I don't know how you do it. I've seen it. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is.

But it's like you see Apatow, Sasha. Galifianakis. Yeah, yeah. So many dope people go there. Yeah, all these dope fucking Silvermen. Because they get to do all both. Yeah. But then I'll see the post and see all these like – and they're with like Joe Walsh and like – You're not allowed there. And I go, oh, that's the group I'm not allowed in that club. Here's the difference between that place and like the comedy store to me. God. And this isn't dissing. It brings up so many resentment. That place to me is –

It's cool in the way when you show up to somebody's house and they have an old record player and you're like, everyone has a fucking record player. But then they put on a good record and you're like, well, that is pretty fucking cool. You know? Yeah, yeah. It's pretty cool. It's a little on the nose, but it is very cool. And the comedy store is like when you show up to someone's house...

And it's a disgusting house and they're smoking in the garage and they've broken a lot of windows and the couch is fucking gross and people are fucking on the couch. Yeah. And the mom is home and she's partying and her tit is out. Yeah. That's the comedy store. It's like the greatest high school party of all time. Yeah. It's just like it feels more raw and disgusting and on purpose, on accident, accidentally on purpose. You know, like everything is working, but it's chaos. No, but there is. Over there feels very coordinated. Yeah, but there's something about the store, though, that I love. It's.

You know, stand-up comedy has always been a working class type of performance. Yeah. Right? It's like the Catskills people would go – you know what I mean? In New York, you see Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, right? It's just – we're basically strippers, right?

Yeah, we are. We do stand-up in bars where there's drinking. It's been going on since the 60s. There's something really – and that's why the Comedy Store is great because they never change the decor of it. Yeah. So it feels and looks like it always has been. Yeah, never – yeah. And there's so much history there. It's not necessarily that it's a dingy kind of a gross place. It's more – It can be. It's more Deadwood. Deadwood.

Yeah. And I prefer that over a fancy place. Well, when things are more polished, I feel –

I feel like they know that you don't belong. You know, like they can feel it. You can feel it. Yeah. You know? But it's so funny. When an alternative comic gives me a compliment, it means so much more. Really? Yeah. I remember years ago, Paul F. Tompkins and Patton Oswalt, both – I was with them, and they said complimentary things about me as a comedian. Yeah. And I just was like – I was so giddy. It's like –

If a club comic said it, I'd be like, whatever. It wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter, yeah. But because Patton did, you felt good. You know, I paid Patton to do that, to say something nice to you. No, you didn't. That was a live cameo. He's a great guy. I paid him to do a live cameo to you. Patton's a great guy. I don't know him either. I don't know any of those. I really know none of those people. They don't know I exist. I don't know them. It's very odd. They know you exist. No, I'm telling you. Oh, I'm telling you they do. I promise you they don't. Oh, so if I went up to fucking Patton Oswalt or Paula Tompkins. They'd go, no, I don't know who that guy is. I've never heard of him. That's so funny.

The things you've done. It's because I don't make an effort to go over there. I don't reach out to that side. When I first saw you, though, and I'm going to have to say this, I thought to myself, oh, that guy, I'll never be friends with that guy. Why? When I initially saw you. Why? Because just don't take this the wrong way, and I'm not making fun of you. Well, I'm going to.

Well, I'm not going to say it then. Well, say it because I want to take it the wrong way. All right. It's honestly when you – just look at my point of view. Okay. I don't know you, right? We've never met. We've never met. I don't know anything about your personality. I can hear you talk, how you interact with people, and your just general energy is like negativity, negative. Then why are you going up? Negative, right? It's like –

How is it negative? It's like when I first saw Bobby Slayton. Yeah. I was a big fan of Bobby Slayton. And then once I got to meet him, he's super sweet, right? But initially, for years, I thought, oh, I'm never going to be able to – because he's just got a – but then once – see, look at that face you're doing. So once I got in there, right, then I'm like, oh, there's small aspects of softness and warmth in his heart. I think what it is is I'm –

I'm aggressive. I'm heavy. I come in heavy to start. But that's because that's who I am. I'm big. You're authentically you. When I first saw you, you know what I thought? I'm being honest because I was being honest. So am I. No joke. I said, that's that crazy guy that gets naked all the time at the comedy store. That's literally what I thought to myself. That's that crazy guy that gets naked at the comedy store. When do I get naked? What?

When do you get naked? When do I get naked? All the time. When? All the time. No. No, no. Don't Google it. Don't Google it? Yeah, because you're going to find, I can Google you and find something. Andrew Santino, naked, naked. Just naked. Okay. Images. No. All right, we got to blur that? Well, yeah, you got to blur right there because that's boobs. Well, that's on set of a show that I had my penis wrapped. Let me see it. Let me see it.

That's me on set of I'm Dying Up Here. Okay, there we go. You are naked. No, that's on set of a- I don't give a fuck. You're naked. It's on a TV show. I'll show you now. Google me then. That's on a TV show. You won't find anything. Okay. Okay. All right, you won't find anything. And this won't be on a TV show. If it's performing too, it doesn't matter. Oh my God, I won't find it. The first eight pictures are of you on stage naked. Performing. The same thing as a TV show. No. Yes. Yes.

Performing. This is on Tom Green's show. Performing. Performing. This is at a radio station. Performing. Performing. Bobby Lee naked on stage. Performing. This is you at your house. Performing. No, performing. But I love how you say I don't get naked. Look at how many naked photos come up. It's almost absurd how many come up. There's you.

That's just a white guy. That's a gay male. It says on stage. That's not you. That one right there with the girl. Who's that? I don't know. Oh, that's with my... With someone from Chelsea Lately? No, that's my ex-girlfriend. Oh, well then why'd you have me bring that up? That was weird. That was weird that you did that. Why is that up there? Well, it's just on the internet. I'm just saying, so much nudity. Yeah. It's the same as yours. It's all performance. It's not like... When you say... When people go...

Okay, this was unexpected. Look at Tom Green's face. This is the difference. Mine was for a scene on a show that they asked me to be naked for. You did this voluntarily. Look at Tom Green. He has no fucking idea. No fucking idea you were going to get naked. To surprise the my bum is on your lips guy is fucking mind-blowing. The guy who used to wake up his parents and beat the shit out of them. Look at the shock on his face.

Mind blown. You're a nudist. I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm saying you're a nudist, whether you like it or not. You're a nudist. You're an exhibitionist. You enjoy being nude. Okay. So I said there's the guy who gets naked at the comedy store. Okay. That's fair. Also. Turn it off. He's very funny. Turn it off. Look at me. Turn it off. The viewers need to see that.

I said that guy's very fucking funny. You made me laugh before we became friends. Hey, can we have a segment and I can bring up Andres Urosende to do his stand-up? Yes. What do you call him again? Fancy Beaner. Fancy Bee, baby. Oh, look at that. Yeah. Oh, shit. Hey, baby boy. Hello, guy. How you doing? You look great. Look at that sweater. Thank you. That sweater is such a cute sweater.

I like this. Wait, will you model that sweater for us for a second? Of course. Put your hands on your hips. Nice. Wow. Does your eight-year-old need a new sweater this season? That's so great. Who are you, Mork? No, no, no.

That sweater's wonderful. It's like all the colors that got rejected by all the Skittles, like the ones they threw out. Like Bill Cosby wouldn't even wear that sweater. All right, here we go. Get ready. You ready? Hey, everybody. My name is Rich McGivins. Welcome to the LOL, LOL Cafe here in Nashville, Tennessee. And we got a guy coming up here. It's his first time. He's from Spain. His name is Andreas. Give him a round of applause. Hey, thank you, guys.

So glad to be here. So you guys know that Pornhub is giving away its premium subscription for free this season due to the pandemic. Porn is free, thanks Pornhub, but I already came. Okay, 346 people in South Korea turned to religion looking for answers during this coronavirus crisis and packed a little tiny church.

They all got infected. So what did they learn? That the virus is also Christian. My God. More, more, more.

Okay, there we go. The media is going crazy after a Trump aide called the coronavirus the cool flu. But why? From now on, I want all my diseases to have kick-ass names, like the sumo varia, the karate bola, Gigi Sars, Taekwondo syndrome, and of course, the M&A. Did you say Taekwondo syndrome? Holy shit.

Andreas is going to get canceled. It's so fun. I know. So during this time of economic struggle, most people don't know the difference between a recession and a depression. So I'm going to break it down for you guys. A recession is a business cycle where there is a general decline in economic activity. A depression is what pussy ass losers like Santino go through sometimes for the year.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow.

So recently my wife told me to go and fix the problem. So I went to a doctor and she told me that I have to put a foam every night in my hair and take a pill every day. Only some minor side effects. She told me like, oh, nothing to worry about. You know, you'll get your hair back, but you'll lose your sexual appetite as long as you take the pill.

So I asked him, like, you know, how long do I have to take the pill? He told me, for as long as you want my hair. So as you guys might notice, I'm going bald. Was that a monologue? Was that a one-man play? Is John Leguizamo directing this? It's amazing. It's amazing. This is a character. There's no payoff. This is a character. It's all set up. It's all set up. Okay. Next joke. Next joke.

Oh my God.

Bob, encourage him. This is good. Andres, keep going. I love it. Yeah, okay. I can't see Bob's face, but I imagine that he's encouraging me from there. Dude, he's dying laughing. Okay, a lot of fans got mad at Santino because last week he made fun of cats and cat people. Do you know that living with cats may cause a disease called toxoplasmosis? It makes you guys lose your sense of humor.

Okay. Next one. I like it. If you don't laugh, it's funnier. All right. We're not going to laugh now. Andre, sell the joke. Sell it. Sell it. Here we go. Okay. Out of a work... Don't laugh. Don't laugh. Out of work strippers in Portland have started a new food delivery service called Boobery. Well, they deliver the food to your door half naked. Fantastic. I haven't been breastfed since I was 10.

Okay. My last one. Promise I love you guys a lot. The stock market is yoyoying up and down to the new stimulus package. Coincidentally, the stimulus package is how I call my penis. And let me tell you, everybody's going to get it. Yay! Throwback joke. You know that's called a callback. We call that a callback. Andres, thank you so much. Why don't you give us a sign-off? Say something vulgar in Spanish to sign us off. Go ahead.

I didn't understand what he was saying, but it was pretty good. It was really good. Yeah, yeah. Well, before we go, Bob, I want to spray you down one more time before you go home. No, no, no. Close your eyes. There you go. It's all natural. You feel good? Lavender. Look in the camera and let him know. Thank you for being a bad friend. Nice.