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When I was there fighting them fucking Koreans, I got to tell you, I came down from a tough chopper mission. One of them little nice Korean birds, she fed me some, what she called was taco. She said taco. Here, sir. Yeah, what's that? You hungry? I'm starving. What is that? This is meatloaf. Oh, meatloaf. I love me some fucking meatloaf. Thank you so much. What's your name? Kim.

Oh, nice to meet you, Gong. All right. Let me have some of this meatloaf. God damn. What? What? Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.

We're back. We're back. We're back. We're back. Thank God. Thank God we're back. Because I haven't left the house in five fucking days, brah. Kalilah kept you in January. She acts like it's 1939 Poland.

Don't go outside. They'll see you. Hide under the floorboards. The Germans are here, though. It's it's it's she's act. I know George is a Nazi with 100 percent. She's like Sarah Connor. It's like shotgun. You know what I mean? And like the blue apron guy comes up the driveway. Right. Leave it up. That's what she's doing. That's what she's doing. It's out of control. And you're freaking out. She's acting cray cray. Are you getting any sleep?

No sleep. Yeah, it's like she's acting like it's the end of the world. Look at your gloves, by the way. Lift up. Let's just show the camera why. Look at how dirty that is. Yeah, it's all corona. It's all corona. Did you see the girl licking the toilet seat on the airplane? I hope she dies. Did you watch that? Yeah, it's dumb. It's un-fucking-real. It's unreal. I have to say this, too, and I hope I don't get in trouble.

You don't want to say something that's going to get me in very big trouble. So I had a conversation with our dear friend, Eric Griffin, which is a dear friend of mine. He's like one of my best friends. He's like a brother. Yeah. Is he not? Yeah. So we're talking on the phone. He's like, I'm like, yeah, I'm worried because...

I smoke. I'm getting older. I'm 48. He's like – and I go, once the coronavirus hits me, I think I'm going to be one of those casualties. He goes, yeah, definitely, dude. You for sure. He's like, me? I've been taking vitamins, and I'm – I mean, I know – Does he think mac and cheese are vitamins? But he goes, me? I'm fine. I'm taking my hormone pills, my vitamins. I go, if I die, Eric –

You're going to die. All right? As soon as coronavirus hits your body, blood's going to squirt out of your black titties. Chocolate blood. Chocolate blood's going to squirt out. And his eyes are going to roll back. He's going to go into convulsions. He's going to die instantaneously. Eric Griffin, I love you, bro. But don't tell me that you're fucking Carl Lewis because you're not. All right?

If you die, he dies. He's Fat Lando. By the way, that's why I did this. You can see my facial hair. This is because Eric shaved his... Did you see Eric with his... Did you see this? Yeah. Let's show our viewers. I know. Eric Griffin shaved his mustache...

For those that haven't seen it. Okay, first of all, this has been Eric since I've known him. Yeah. He's had a mustache since I've... Since 1932, he's had that fucking mustache. Since 1932, he's had the mustache. And now, I think it's got to be maybe on his Instagram, he shaved his mustache, and I look at this motherfucker with no upper lip. Oh my God. No upper lip. Look at, that's thinner than mine. Yeah. You know why? He forgot the reason why he grew it in the first place, is to hide the ugly. Yeah.

Right? When you grow a fucking thick mustache like that, it's to hide something. Well, you have to. Yeah, yeah. Look at that. Brad Williams, what did your coronavirus do to your mustache? Oh, we love you, Eric. No, he knows we love him to death. I just can't believe. Look at that. Look at that nose. Look at that. It's a cartoon nose. Look at those nose hairs are really trying to poke out, huh? Yeah. Like Disney animation made that nose, folks. Yeah.

Right? That's like from somebody's imagination. Yeah, it's bad. It's bad. What did you... Do you guys go... Did you do grocery shopping or no? Nothing. We're getting everything delivered Amazon, you know, delivery. Yeah. You know, and then... So the other day I go, I want chips. Just get me whatever kind of chips, right? Yeah. She fucking orders these fucking...

Hemp, kale, seed chips. Bitch, I want Doritos. Bitch, I want Doritos. That's the new ad campaign. Bitch, I want Doritos. I want nacho cheese, bitch. Is that what you get? Nacho cheese? Whatever, man. It's like she's getting all the stuff that she would eat.

You know what I mean? Like shit that she – like healthy. You know what I mean? If we're going to – in this apocalypse, if we're going to die, give me Twinkies. Yeah, let me eat. Let me eat it. Dude, we did that. I went shopping. I bought the shit I never – there's six things of mac and cheese in my fridge. With the Kraft? Oh my god. Don't fuck with it, dog. There's four – there's four –

Whatever. Let's move on. Let's move on. No, no, but why can't I think of... I have no idea because you're making it up. Let's move on. No, we went grocery shopping yesterday. We bought mac and cheese. I bought big bags of beef jerky. I really like beef jerky. Oh, shit, dog. I love beef jerky. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's what I bought. That's what it was. Ruffles. I was trying to think of the name of the brand. Ruffles chips. Oh. But I bought sour cream and cheddar, which are her favorite. Yeah. My old bag's favorite. I bought All Dressed, which is Canadian. Do you know All Dressed? Yes.

You don't know All Dressed? Holy fuck. Do you guys know All Dressed? All Dressed is the most popular brand in Canada. It's sea salt and vinegar, barbecue sauce. Yeah. It's like combining both of those chips. It just seems like something that white people would like. It is. That's what we invented almost everything. I'm going to pass on it. What kind do you want? Fish sauce chips?

Wasabi. And the one you said earlier before the cameras were on, I said we're hunkering down, we're making stuff, and you said out of the blue, you said dog. Why would you say that? Because you said we're making stuff at the house. Out of the blue. I just said dog. No, it's a term of endearment, like my dog. No. You're my bud. I don't think that. What is? I did see a video this morning a girl sent me of them cooking a live dog in China.

There's videos circulating now of all the fucked up shit they're doing. You know what? It's like, you know, you've heard of the Yulin Dog Eating Festival? Yeah. What the fuck? What did you place when you were over there? What did you place? Were you first or second? Third. I took a bronze there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I wouldn't eat the pitbull.

Yeah, yeah. You wouldn't? No, no, no. Just too angry? Too much. Yeah, you don't want that kind of energy. Yeah, yeah. I like Yorkshire Terriers. Oh, are they good? So tender. What's the softest dog? Let me say something right now. Yorkshire Terrier puppy. Yeah.

It's like sashimi. Is it really? If you kill a newborn Yorkshire Terrier, right? Yeah. And you just slice it. When it's alive, preferably. Well, you can't kill them first because if you kill them, the muscles get tight. Right. So you just have to like, while they're alive, you slice open the belly. They make a sound. What is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck over here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you just slice open like the belly meat. Oh my God. That's right. You drink the blood?

Yes, I do. Of course I do, man, because, you know, I'm a warrior. But my point is this, is that we don't do that. I have three dogs at home, and I love them more than other humans. So that bit we just did was a joke. It was a joke. You know, dogs can't get it.

Good. They confirmed dogs can't get corona. What about cats? What about cats? Cats. I don't really care about cats even a little bit. They can get it. In fact, I hope every cat gets it. Okay. I want to say this right now. I hope every cat gets corona. You know what it is? I hope they're walking around all limping like... You view cats like Asians. It's the same fucking impression, you fuckface. No, no, no. No, no, no.

I want to see videos of cats online with Corona. Yeah, yeah. Just their little leg and they're coughing. Yeah, yeah. I fucking hate them. Here's the thing you don't know about cats though. Go ahead. Do you ever live with one? No. Okay. I would never. But that's how I – dude. So when I'm – okay, so here's the deal, bro. When I met Kalilah, I was the type of guy that if I saw any animal –

You know what I mean? I would speed up. To hit it. To hit it. I didn't give a fuck. A dog, I don't give a fuck, right? You want to kill the animal. Because I never – no, it's not that. It's just I never knew the bond that you could have with an animal. That's right. When you're not raised with it necessarily, you're not going to really care, right? So what happened was I met Kalilah, my girlfriend, on the Tinders.

And she – I spent the night at her house one night, and we had a – she had a cat named Ming. But it was a kitten. It was about this small. And I slept on her bed, and Ming would sleep on my shoulder. And I just wanted to grab it and just squeeze the life out of it. And kill it? I don't know. I just didn't like him. Okay. Right? But then one day, Kalilah went out of town, and I was living on Beachwood. Yeah. And she goes, can you take care of Ming for a week?

I go, it's not going to be alive by the time you get home. And I don't know what happened, but Ming, one day I came home and she was just sitting there and she goes, meow, like welcome home. And I fucking fell in love with this thing, man. She's like, I love Ming more than most of my cousins. Like if my cousin Andy died. Who are also named Ming. Yeah, if my cousin Andy died, just listen to me, man. Yeah, I am. This is crazy.

Call me. You're my other cousin. Tell me if Andy died. Call me. Hello? Hey, Bob. What's up, dude? Why are you so sad? Oh, man. You want to bury this, right? You want to bury this. Oh, my God. Yeah, what happened? Andy died. What? Yeah, Andy died. Andy died? All right, well, okay, well, I'll talk to you later, okay? Okay. Hang up? Yep.

PlayStation. Nothing changed. No, I would probably have tears, but I would still play. Like, think about them. You're going to stop the game. Yeah, I'm not going to stop the game. But if Ming died, I would be devastated for years to come. So Ming is going to die. And I'll be devastated. If any of my cats, I have three cats, if any of them die, I love them so much. The thing is that you just don't know. No, I know cats.

You don't know. I don't like them. I don't trust them. They don't greet you the same when you come home. My dog is at the door wagging her tail. She's so excited to see me when I come home. Booner is waiting for me. My middle cat is waiting for me at the door. And where are the other two? The other two are- In hiding. They're not hiding, but they're relaxing, bro. They're two different fucking things, bro. All they do all day is relax. Can you play fetch with a cat? Oh, no. You can play other things. What? What?

You can do the fucking laser. Oh, okay. That's fun as well, friend. Cats are always, it's always a fat guy's best friend. You can laser from your fat couch. No, and also. You can do one of the dangly things it hits. No, no, also cats, you fucking, you don't know nothing about cats. Here's the thing. You don't have to take it for a walk.

Did you know this too? It's like cats are the thinking man's animal. And it poops inside. Did you know that men who love cats are more college educated and smarter than the... Where did that statistic come from? Look at the stats, bro. Look at Marlon Brandow. Marlon Brandow, bro, loved cats. Sir Patrick Stewart. Picard. Captain Picard. He loves cats, bro. Okay. He loves Earl Grey too. There's plenty of smart guys that love dogs.

Yeah, but just statistically, smarter people like cats. I'm not buying into this. Google it. You're so fast at fucking Googling shit. Google it, fucker. What would I search? Tell me what would I search. George, what would you search? What could I even search? Average intelligence of cats owners.

Cat owners. Average intelligence. Versus. Cat owners. Versus dog owners. Versus dog owners. Oh, we're going to get the dumbest results out of you guys. Yes, this is going to be some bullshit. The research revealed that the owners of the two animals have different personalities. Cat lovers being more sensitive and open-minded than dog lovers who are largely energetic. That's right, Carroll University in Wisconsin. Cat owners scored highly on intelligent than dog owners. There we go. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bong.

Yeah, but they also... Right. But also... There we go. But also... And more sensitive and what, open-minded? That's what I told you about Bill O'Reilly earlier, dude. You're a closed-off, angry man. Fact. Fact. Oh, look at this. A study by Carroll University also found that people who like cats in general tend to be total fucking losers. Yeah.

Look at that. It says that right in the study. It doesn't say that. It doesn't say that. If you're more introverted and sensitive, maybe you're more at home reading a book and your cat doesn't want to go outside for a walk. I just want to read a book and not go walk. No. Get outside, you fat, lazy piece of shit. Yeah. Get outside. Yeah. Go outside. Take a walk. You know what you are, dude? Yeah. In the movie. Look at me right now. Stop fucking putting your fingers on that fucking thing. You know what you are, bro?

You ever see the movie War of the Worlds? You're the kind of guy that as soon as that thing fucking hit, right, that you're going to go investigate the crater.

And then the machine comes out of the earth and you're going to get evaporated. Guys like me, dude. Yeah. We're in the house petting our fucking little fucking kitten. Yeah. Right. And we're alive. No. Yeah. You're angry. Yeah. You need anger management therapy. I would love to see how many people that fight in the armed services are cat people versus dog people. The people that defend this fucking country. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. I'd love to see how many of them. You're a grunt. Are cat people. That's fine. None. None.

You know why? Because they're grunts and they're angry. Because somebody needs to be on the front line doing the aggressive, let's get outside, let's attack the day. Instead of just... That's you. No, it's not me. This is me. This is me, dude. Right? This? Pipe. Smoking jacket. Fire. Right? Cat on my fucking thing. Right? That's what I am, bro. You fucking idiot.

You guys are fucking animals, bro. That's why you like dogs. I like dogs because dogs are the best. They're the best. They're not that the best. Yeah, they're the best. But actually, but could I say that since I have three dogs and three cats, right? Yeah. I love both because I am both. You're just one dimensional. I'm just a dog and you're a cat and a dog. I have combinations. Right. Right. I have all, I'm very more evolved. You're more well-rounded, literally. Yeah.

What does that mean? You're more well-rounded than I am. Yeah, rounded? You're much more well-rounded than I am. Yeah, because I'm fat? What? Because I'm circular in shape? That's not what I said. Okay. Anyway, I love my cats. Look, I don't hate cats. This has all been a bit. I don't want any inside of my house. I don't like hair. I don't like hair, and I don't like that they poop inside. In a litter box. That's fine. Disgusting. It's inside your house. Well, we... Anyway, let's move on from it. You clean it?

Of course I clean it, you fucking idiot. Okay, so why not just do it outside? What I did was I created a fucking cat door, and I have an extra compartment outside that's enclosed that they pee and poo. You can't smell it. So they go outside.

In a shack that I had built. Okay. That I'm cool with. Yeah, and that's what I did. I love that. I think if you don't have thumbs, you have to poop outside. That's my rule. Oh, really? You're so... If you don't have thumbs, you have to poop outside. That's my rule. Anywho. My buddy Mark has no thumbs. I can't believe... I make him poop outside in the yard. Anywho. Anywho. Last Thursday was crazy because... So I call my agents Wednesday, and I go...

Because I'm going to Denver. And I go, I don't think I should go. And you know your agents. You should go, Bobby. No one else is canceling. They want to make money. No one's canceling. Go. You have to go. And I go, because you sold out the rooms, you know, six shows. Yeah, I should do the shows. And you got to do it. And I'm like thinking, you know, I don't know. This could get crazy. I should make the money. Right? Right.

So I fly over there, and it's really one of the best comedy clubs ever. Yeah. The Denver Comedy World. I can't talk any more good about it. It'll be me either. It's one of the best. It's just structurally, the staff, the owner, everything about it is perfect. Yeah.

So I do the first show, but you know how it's set up when you're on the stage and the audience is around you. Well, they're on the stage. They're on the stage with you pretty much. So it's like – It's weird. It's not as if you're like levitated above them and there's a gap. You're like amongst them. So as soon as I walked out there, I was like – it didn't feel right. You get nervous. Not just nervous. It was just like what the fuck am I doing? And then in between shows, Kevin Christie and I, my opener –

By the way, our emcee there, Georgia, was amazing. But anyway. Georgia. I forgot her last name. Brooks? I don't know. She's great. Is she a local in Denver? Yeah. Okay. I don't know. Yeah. And I turned to Kevin. I go, we got to get out of here. And especially this is that they were refunding tickets, understandably. Yeah.

But then I'm like, if you're refunding the tickets, then I'm not going to make any money. You're going to lose money. Yeah. A lot of it. Right? So then I just kind of went, I'm fucking out of here. But it's crazy the fact that I even went out there in the fucking first place. Dude, I'll give you the—so I just got back from Chicago. I canceled my show. This is the craziest part. The governor, Pritzker, or the mayor or whatever of Chicago, Pritzker said—

with 250 or more, they highly suggest, this was then, highly suggested not doing a show. I get a call from my agent and they're like, Live Nation says they're okay with you doing it. It's up to you. So they put it on my shoulders to do the show. Aye, aye, aye. And Dahlia Hall is like 600, something like that, just around six. And I said, okay, so I'm doubling the rule already. You sold out? Yeah. And I was like, I'm doubling. Ha, ha, ha.

It was. It was actually sold out way earlier and I should have done two shows. But they put it on me and I was really upset. Genuinely, I'm not joking around. I was actually mad pacing in my mom's living room because I was like, well, this is going to be my fault if I do the show and something bad happens. If a few people come and get sick, they're going to write in the fucking, in the Tribune. Andrew Santino decides to put on a show despite what's going on in the city of Chicago because all the other theaters are closed down. The bars and clubs were already starting to close down.

So then I was like, well, it's on me. So then I canceled. I put out a fucking thing on Facebook being like, hey, I'm sorry. I can't do this. Like, I just can't. And most people are supportive because they get it. It's so funny that some people are like, oh, way to succumb to the fucking media. Yeah. You're like, what? Are you out of your fucking mind? I know. And by the way. Watch what you're saying now at this point forward. Huh?

Because you're going to – because there are people out there that believe that this is – Fake? A liberal agenda and that the fake news, which is CNN, MSNBC. They're fucking morons. Don't – watch. I said watch what you're saying. If you think this is fake, you're a fucking moron. This is real. I know, but just ease it because some people have certain – If you think this is fake, you're a fucking moron. No. It's not what I – it's what you're – anyway –

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isn't cheap, but they're helping people out. Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com. Bad friends. People are mistaking the fact that we didn't cancel shows because we wanted to cancel the shows. We canceled shows because you feel like you might be putting other people in danger or in harm's way, and I don't want to be responsible for other people being put in harm's way. So that's why I did it.

And by the way, if you think we want to cancel shows and lose money, what the fuck? Three months of both of our tours are done. That's our livelihood. So it's not like I'm like, yeah, fuck them. I don't care. I'd rather just chill. Dude, I want to do the opposite. I want to be in Boston right now. Yeah. I want to be fucking in Cincinnati next weekend. That's my biggest problem is people online...

saying shit, making it up that it's not real. It's not only that, it's that people don't realize that, you know, I'm not D'Elia. Who is that? I'm not Chris D'Elia or Whitney Cummings. I don't have that kind of money.

So I rely on going on the road. And making money. I need to do it. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And so – I mean I'm so happy for the two I just mentioned and they're very good people and they deserve – you know what I mean? I don't like either of them. I know. But I need to go out there and I rely on road money to survive. And so it's not an easy decision to go – I'm going to go home. Yeah. Yeah. But –

I think in light of what's happening, listen, this thing probably isn't going to kill anyone in this room, but studies say that... God, I hope that doesn't... I mean, imagine... Why did you say that? Because now they're going to use this loop at our funeral. It probably isn't going to kill someone in this room, and then that soft music kicks in. It's the fancy beaner that's going to die. LAUGHTER

Am I going to get canceled for saying that? No. You said fancy in front of it. Because Spanish people are fancy beaners. Yes. You know what I mean? Spanish people – They don't drink coffee. They drink the ones with the little ones. Espresso. The espresso, yeah. And he goes, espresso. I am drinking espresso. When I came in, he was whittling his own shoes. That's how he – you know that? Yeah, yeah. They're really talented, those guys. But they say that like young people that get coronavirus, they lose –

20% of their lung function. No, you told me that before. But I'm only functioning on 20% lung functions as it is. So if I get it, I'll have zero lung function. Yeah. I'll die immediately. In both lungs or is it just in one lung? I don't know. But like a Belgian doctor was analyzing young patients that had the coronavirus and he said –

The results are fucking terrifying. I know. I saw some of the x-rays online. You can look up some of the x-rays online of people that are getting it. It's creepy as fuck. Yeah. And they show what it looks like in your lungs, kind of like how pneumonia looks kind of creepy in your lungs. And the reason why we're acting accordingly is because – it's not because I believe that I'm going to die from it. I just don't want to pass it on to an older person. I don't want someone else to die. It's like you don't want to be –

carrying this thing and just like making other people sick right so let's you know do our due diligence right and just kind of be you know the the fancy african-american actor from england got it let's uh let's try to get there together yeah yeah yeah um his first name rhymes with

E.J. Abu. Childress. Sounds like Childress. I don't know. Idris? Idris? Mm-hmm. What's the last name? Sounds like Felba. Idris Felba. Sounds like. Oh, Idris Elba. Bam. That's Idris Elba. Idris Elba got it. The fancy English African-American. Him. You know what I mean? Actor got it. Who else got it? First of all, he's an American first. He's an American. He's not an African-American. He's an American. But he's from England. Yeah.

Yeah, so he's actually an English-African-American. Yeah, okay, my bad. He's an American-African-Englishman. My bad, my bad. I don't know much about him. Great actor, though. Tom Hanks. Loved him on Cats. Tom Hanks and his wife. Cats won the best movie of the year. I bought it. I'm going to watch it tonight. It's so good. I'm not kidding. It's one of the best movies I've ever seen. I can't wait to watch it. Cats is amazing. Okay.

Maybe now I like cats. Okay. I take it all back. Yeah. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, his wife. Yeah. These are all the famous people that got it. Oh, here's a guy that you don't even know, but it hit my brother and I hard. Mikel Arteta. Who's Mikel Arteta? Mikel Arteta. So I don't know if you guys know this, but I love soccer. Oh. Oh. And all my life I've been obsessed. How do you spell Mikel? I don't even know how to spell that. M-I-K-E-L. Arteta. He has it?

Poor Mikel Arteta. Sorry, keep going. There is Mikel Arteta right there. So Mikel Arteta was a midfielder for Arsenal. Arsenal is my favorite team of all time. God, he's good looking, eh? And Mikel Arteta is now the manager of Arsenal FC. Right. And he has it.

And he's the coach. How come it doesn't say that he has it on any of these? Go put Mikel Arteta coronavirus. I think it would pop up if he had it. Just fucking say coronavirus. I don't know, man. I feel like that would be the first thing that would come up, don't you think? Coronavirus update as Arsenal boss sends. He's doing better. He's in recovery.

He's in recovery. God damn, he's fucking good looking. Look at that guy, dude. I'd suck a fart out of his ass. He played for Everton, but then he went to Arsenal, and now he's the manager. He's very talented. Why do you think so many soccer players are so much better looking than other athletes? Because they don't have to use only their feet. That doesn't matter, though. Yeah, because in football, you have to use your head. Okay, what about basketball?

How come they don't have to use... You know what I think? It's because these men are proportionally sized. That's not what it is. These guys aren't big guys. And the bigger you get, the more weird you look. It's either the bigger you get or the tinier you get, the weirder you look. Let me talk. Go ahead. All right. You have to understand that in Europe... Here's what I really think about the whole thing. I think I... Go ahead. Hold on. I need a drink. Drink it again. You have to understand that in Europe, right? In America, if you're an athlete, you're a young man, right?

You dream of being either in basketball, baseball, football. There's so many options for you, right? But in Europe, the number one sport is soccer. The whole world. But in Europe too. So you have to understand that most people, kids growing up that are athletic, they all go into soccer, right? So they're getting not only the best athletic people in soccer, but then you're getting also good-looking people as well. Why would that correlate to – that still doesn't make sense. Because you're getting –

Just because you're the best athlete, you're still not proving the point. Why would they be the best looking just because they're the best athletes? There is no direct correlation between the best athletes. It just so happens that many people in soccer – you want my guess? And I bet you old fancy B over there can tell us. See it. Because I said it. I want you to get canceled too. No, because I'm white.

Oh, right. You can do it. Fancy B. We'll call you that. Fancy B. Yeah, yeah. Fancy B knows that a lot of the Spanish that get their kids, they're a lot of money, right? A lot of money. And money and looks have this thing that come together. That's why neither you and I are that good looking. Our parents don't have a lot of money.

People that are rich usually are good-looking, and they have good-looking kids because they fuck people that are also good-looking. Yeah. Right? If you are of this small ilk of people that are rich and good-looking and have athletic genes, because usually that's what comes along with good looks, then you make Mikel Arteta. Can I tell you some other— I bet you his parents are fuckable, too. Look at Freddie Youngberg. Freddie Youngberg. We're just going to be jerking off to soccer games. Yeah, Freddie Youngberg is an ex-Arsenal player, too. Freddie—oh, Youngberg. Yeah, Youngberg.

This guy, even bald, he's fucking handsome. Yeah, but look at a young... No, but I'm saying even bald, he's good looking. That was my point. When he was young, though? Oh, my fucking God. Right there, huh? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, good looking guy. Look at that suck it. Look at his fucking joy line. Suck my dick. Yeah. Suck it. His joy line. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's so many. You're right. Ronaldo's handsome. Cristiano Ronaldo isn't handsome. He is gorgeous. Big difference.

He's gorgeous. Handsome guys are like John Hamm is handsome. Yeah. Yeah. Cristiano Ronaldo is fucking stunning. That guy drips sex. Yeah. I'm not kidding, dude. I'm not gay at all anymore. I got rid of it. Yeah. I'm going to show you something. I'm not kidding. When I see Ronaldo on TV, I get why he's gay.

Some people feel gay sometimes. Yeah. He's fucking hot. Yeah. His hair is nice. His smile, his eyes are cute. Imagine what his butt looks like. Who? Ronaldo? Imagine what his naked butt looks like. No cellulite. A perfect crest between his thigh and his tush. But I'm going to give you— You can get it, Ronaldo. But I'm going to say this, though. Soccer players, too, right? Yeah.

the extreme opposite could happen as well. Yeah, there's some really fogos. There was a guy for Everton. He was the manager of Everton, but then he managed Manchester United. He also played. His name is David Moyes. Say his name and bring it up. But put Young David Moyes. Young David Moyes? Yeah. M-O-Y-E-Z? M-O-Y-E-S. Young David Moyes. There he is. Just get the first photo. Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Oh, fuck, it's me. Oh, fuck, it's me. So that can happen as well. Right, but that's rare. No, it's not. I can name you so many ugly fucks. Is he British, though?

He's Scottish. Same thing. Same. The UK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's why. This is how I knew he was Scottish. This right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the mouth. Hey, just got me two front teeth. Hey, just got me two front teeth. Yeah, they're bad with that shit over there. And I'm not saying they don't do that. Brits and Scots aren't like that anymore, by the way. They've advanced fucking. But back then, yeah, that was the old joke. Like, Brits have bad teeth. Guess what? They did. They had fucking terrible teeth. And look at the skin. Vampire skin. Vampire skin. They don't sleep.

But here's my biggest thing is the difference of... Look at this. Rudy Gobert...

Who's that? He's an NBA player that got it. Yeah. That got the fucking, that got the stuff, you know, that got the corona. Yeah. And, you know, like, he's not ugly, but he's just a, he's fine. He's fine. Yeah, that's fine. He's fine. That's average. Yeah. But there's a lot of NBA players because- Let me ask you this. The bigger they get, the more goonier you, you naturally look goony. Right. You look unorthodox. Like, look at right there. Like, this is a normal Donovan Mitchell. Yeah.

Normal looking, good looking kid. Good looking kid. You know why? Why? Normal size. He's probably like 6'4", 6'5". He's not, once these guys get 6'10", they're like, they become these. Oh, Yao Ming. Yes, yes. Right, right. Maybe the ugliest guy to ever play in the fucking NBA. Well, that's a stretch. Yao Ming is by far the ugliest, ugliest player. Look at this fucking, this thing was made in a lab. Yeah. This guy was made in a fucking lab. You fucking asshole, dude. Yao Ming's a good dude.

He was made in a lab. There's nothing good about that word right there. Yeah, yeah. He is kind of handsome. Giant. You're off your fucking head. He is kind of handsome. Not even a little bit. For a China? For China! No. There's plenty of... Okay, what about... I always thought the... Jeremy Lin. Is he Chinese? No. What is he? Taiwanese. Taiwanese.

You don't even fucking, but neither of you guys know. But imagine, if Yao Ming didn't play fucking basketball, what job would he have in China, you think? Jeremy Shu Hao Lin is an American professional basketball player for the Beijing Ducks of the Chinese Basketball Association. His background, Lin Sanity. Is it Taiwanese? Oh, look, yeah, he was born in Torrance. Yeah, you're probably right. There's literally no doubt. He's an American. Christian family. Yeah, he's an American. He's an American just like me. Look at his mom, Gi Ming and Shirley, immigrated to Taiwan. Yeah, Taiwanese.

Bummer. Let me ask you this. Well, he's good looking. This has been a gay sports segment, by the way. You know how Trump said it's a Chinese virus? Oh, my God. Some reporter, they said a White House staffer called it Kung Flu. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. The Kung Flu. Yeah. The Kung Flu's come over. It's taking over. Because I had an argument with Kalilah the other night about, you know, because I go, is Chinese virus bad?

And then she's like calling it that because it's – there's a stigma to it. You're saying is it bad for you to say it? No, is it bad for – because people are making a stink about Trump saying it. I know a lot of like Asian actors that are just up in arms. That's because they don't like Trump to begin with. I mean that's not – let's be real. Yeah, but I don't – I think Chinese virus isn't as bad as people say. But then – because my argument is they call it the – hey, Fancy B.

Are you offended they call it the Spanish flu? No. Because it came from fucking Spain. Yeah. I mean, it was the first reported case. Right. So that's why we call it. We called it Spanish flu because it was from Spain. But then Kalela's argument is that, yeah, but when was the Spanish flu? It was in 1918. 1918. The world wasn't as woke as we are now. I think if the Spanish flu happened now, she was, her point is, is that we wouldn't call it the Spanish flu.

Yeah, the swine flu. H1N1. That was the – and the bird flu and all that stuff. Yeah. Yeah, but I know what she's saying. I think it's because people are more racially sensitive now. It's why we don't say oriental. Except why do they call the rugs that still? Because the rugs are from the orient region of the country. But if you said – you can't say oriental food –

It depends on where the food is from. Well, if the food is from there, the oriental region of the country. By the way, the orient doesn't exist anymore. Right. So don't call it that. I don't call it that. I'm saying that says oriental rug on a sign. I call it Chinaman rug. Okay. That makes sense. Just call it Chinaman rug. Yeah. Let's just move on. Chinaman rug. Yeah, yeah. Is Chinese food offensive? No, man. Of course not. Yeah. So Chinese flu isn't either.

Chinese food from China. Chinese food from China. Because I think what people are up in arms about is that he has a history. Of being racist? Of using rhetoric, right, to divide. And I think that if he was like, if it was somebody else saying it, it wouldn't be as, I don't think, as divisive. I disagree. I think if any politician called it the Chinese flu, they would get flack for it right now for sure. Yeah. But look, it came from China.

It's a Chinese flu. I don't think it's racist. And there's also... If you called it the Qing Shang flu, yeah, then that would be bad. Yeah. If it was a more slanderous term, but Chinese isn't slander. I don't want to get canceled right now, but I want to propose an idea. You've said four things that will get you canceled on this show. I know, but I've been locked up for five days. I know. Say it, baby. Let it fly. Fuck it. Yeah, but...

Just don't eat the bat. You know what I mean? I mean, there's certain things that like, you know, as Americans, right, we eat Indian food. Yeah. Right? We eat, you know what I mean, the things that you're supposed to eat, I believe.

Well, okay. I ain't going to eat no fucking giraffe leg. Yeah, but if that's part of your culture and it's normal, then why would it be abnormal? I don't think that – do you see them eating the live mice? Yeah, it's crazy. Dipping it in – The sauce that they have is so good. Go to the chicken. The chicken? Yeah, but what if that's part of their culture? It's normal. Just go to the chicken. What if they can't afford it? Become vegetarians. Tofu? Tofu?

Okay. You get your protein that way? They have whey there? The problem is it's embedded in the culture, even the calendar. You're of the chicken. You're of the goat. They love weird – they love animals. Yeah. They love animals. Yeah, but if you ever go to like a Chinese market in like Beijing or whatever – not Beijing, but let's go even – I would never. Hong Kong, for instance. No, never, never going to go. I'm pretty sure you see things there that – and I'll eat anything. I've eaten everything, right? Not bad. Not bad.

Just like there's just certain things like, you know, the shoulder of a meerkat. Don't eat it. What if it's good? You never know. That's my point is who knows? Yeah. I'm just playing devil's advocate. I understand why people are mad that they're like, you know, because people eat a fucking bat. Now I don't got a 401k. It's like I look. Yeah. But also this is part of their culture. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. I mean, maybe there are things that we don't eat because we just don't know. Like, for instance,

I think that we don't eat certain things because they just aesthetically look cute. Right. Like panda, koala. Okay, dogs and cats. Seriously, we don't eat them because we really like them. And I'm going to say this too about dogs. And because I don't – I'm not going to get canceled, but – Make sure you get this sound bite.

But if you talk to old Korean War American vets. My grandfather. Right. And they've eaten dog because at the time – They were fed dog. They were fed dog. Right. And they say it's the most delicious meat they've ever had. That's what they say. Look, my grandfather passed away, unfortunately, so I can't ask him, but I don't know. That's what they say. They say that it's good meat. It's tender, really good meat.

When I was there fighting them fucking Koreans, I got to tell you, I came down from a tough chopper mission. One of them little nice Korean birds, she fed me some, what she called was taco. She said taco. Here, sir. Yeah, what's that? You hungry? I'm starving. What is that? This is meatloaf. Oh, meatloaf. I love me some fucking meatloaf. Thank you so much. What's your name? Kim.

Oh, nice to meet you, Gong. All right. Let me have some of this meatloaf. God damn. You know who you are? What? Skippy. Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a... We're going to get fucking canceled.

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It was a tough weekend for me in Chicago because I have a family member that I'm not going to mention that's not having a good time with life. And it broke my heart and it gave me a lot of perspective on the world. So if I can offer any advice to anybody that's listening, that's trying to get through all this stuff, all the jokes that Bob and I say and all this stuff,

Be sure to check in with your family. And I think it's... I mean it. Stop it. Is it because his facial hair is fucking... No, no, no. First of all, the facial hair didn't work. Whatever you were trying to do. It looks good. Whatever you were trying to do. The bit that you were trying to do. It wasn't a bit. Yeah, you were. You were like... Before the show, I have to say this. Before the show, right? He was in the fucking bathroom. I couldn't even say one sentimental fucking thing on the show. But he was in the bathroom. And he's shaving. He's like, I want to do a bit.

because you know Andrew's into bits you know what I mean because he thinks this is SNL and he goes what do you think of this I didn't say I wanted to do a bit I said I was going to shave a mustache for Eric Griffin is this a wacky zany bit that we can do on the program I'm like what the fuck are you doing let's fucking talk

Fucking talk, you fucking red-headed freak. I wanted to do a mustache for Eric Griffin. Yeah, it didn't work, whatever you were doing. It looks good. I know, but it was silly. It is silly. That's the whole point. You spent an hour in the fucking bathroom doing a bit that didn't work? Seven minutes I spent in there to shave my face while you had George on the phone with the fucking Wayans brothers. All right, so here's, I want to talk about that. Yeah. Yeah, I want to talk about that. Yeah. Can I finish my sentimental thing? All right, but I might laugh. You can. All right, go ahead. Finish it.

Someone in my family is not doing well. They might be dying. Are you going to laugh? Are you laughing at a dead family member? I'm sorry. I might...

Love your family. Reach out to them. I'm not. Start from the top. Let's do this. Let's do this, okay? Honestly. Honestly. Because I want to know if you're really sincere. I am. All right. So if you're going to do this little fucking monologue, you cannot be fucking smirking. All right. I won't smirk. Regardless of what I'm doing. Okay. Fine. Here we go. So it's like – and once you start smirking, I'm going to end it and you don't get to fucking tell it. Fine. All right. So here we go. Here we go.

And I'm going to do a little setup, all right? Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, and a message from Sir... Let me start from the top. Well, don't fuck it up off the jump. I know. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, a heartfelt message from Sir Andrew Santino. Hi, America. Fuck it. Try it again. Try it again. That was the first one. I'll let you go. I'll let you, all right?

Ladies and gentlemen, a heartfelt message from Sir Andrew Santino. Just keep going. The Chinese put us in a bad position recently. I'm done. You can't do it. Call and text your family. What happened to your family? Nothing. Someone's not doing well. Just call and text your family. It matters. What's going on with her? End of the rope. I don't know. Not feeling good. Not doing good. Does she have corona? No. No.

Okay, I'm sorry. She's old. I'm sorry. She's old. And it just made me check in more mentally. I was like, oh, you should check in more with your fucking family. Do the message. You can smile. Do the message. No, you should check in more with your family during this time. If we take nothing from this shitty virus, it's that we should try to care about people. Somebody had a great phrase to me. Somebody said, during the time of this virus, we'll find out who cares about their backyard as much as people care about their front yard. I don't really understand that.

Explain it to me. It means, are you going to try to contribute and care about other humans or are you only going to care about yourself? What's the backyard? Your backyard means because you connect with neighbors. Do you care about those around you and in your community? It's a metaphor for saying, are you going to use this time? My specific backyard. You don't have one. It's fenced. Beyond the fence, there's other people. Say beyond.

Beyond the backyard. We're going to find out during this virus whether you care about people, whether you care about your community. Don't ever use that reference again. Just say whatever you're going to say. The phrase made perfect. Didn't you get the fucking phrase? It's a metaphor saying, do you care about your community or do you just care about your house? It's like cleaning my side of the street when they say that. That's the same exact thing. Yeah. Do you only care about cleaning your side of the street? There we go. Okay. I understand that one. Because you do, don't you? You only sweep your side of the street. Are you fucking out of your mind? Go away. We're closed.

But that's fucking racist. You know what's so funny? There's a bet to see if we'll keep the show going. They said, we'll see how long this lasts with these two fucking goons. Oh, no. Are you out of your fucking mind? When you're on lockdown...

For three days, and I fucking hate this piece of shit. Thank you. For three fucking days, I was like, I can't wait for Wednesday. I can't wait for Wednesday. Me too. See this redhead of a freak. You know what I mean? If I could, I would. Kiss him. You know what I mean? I'd kiss you too. Yeah, but I would – this is what – this is my whole life now is doing these. Well, it's this and touring for me. So now we can't tour. That's it. Do you want to bring a little bit of light into this episode? Yeah.

I love light. Okay, so last week we had Andres Rosende do the news, which we loved. We loved it. A lot of the fans enjoyed it a lot. I want Andres to do a little bit, his stand-up. Do you want to do your stand-up bit? Of course. Andres is going to do stand-up for us. Okay, good. I love it. Are you excited? Yeah, I'm excited. All right, we'll be right back.

Hey, everybody. Hope you're having a great time. I'm Mitch. I'm the host of the show. And welcome to the Chuckle Fuck Factory here in Wisconsin. Try the chicken wings. You know, they're new on the menu. Anyway, man, that guy fell off the cliff of Azuzu Falls the other day. It's like, you know what I mean? Like, anyway, that bit's not working. But anyway, we are...

Our next comic, he does clubs and colleges all over the country. He's been on BET's Comic View. He's also been on something on Nickelodeon. I don't know. But anyway, he's really, he's from Spain. You know, he's a fancy, he's a fancy bee.

Anyway, this is the first time on stage. He seems like a funny guy. My name is Mitch, by the way. How about a round of applause for Andreas Kocacic? Hey! Round of applause for Mitch. Thank you, Mitch. It's so great to be here. Is everybody celebrating anything? All right. Well...

You know, Tom Brady announced that he might be playing in Tampa Bay, Florida next season. Seems like a lateral move to me, since Florida is basically the New England of the South. Racism, meth, Dunkin' Donuts. Nice. Thank you. Sex-togue company Taboo announced a new line of vibrators with removable batteries. Finally, I'm not going to have those embarrassing moments at TSA. Yeah.

And do you guys know some grocery stores are offering elderly hours for our elderly shoppers? Putting all those girls in one spot is going to be like fishing with a gun in a barrel for me.

And you know Daniel Radcliffe, aka Harry Potter, admitted he was drunk during the filming of Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows. I get it. I would be blacked out too if I found Hermione was going out with a ginger. Those are gross. Hey! Bitch!

And Reese Witherspoon opened lately to Vanity Fair saying bad things happened to her as a teen in Hollywood. We know. We saw election. Okay. That was a hit at home. Nevada is officially closing every casino in the Vegas Strip. This will cripple the tourism industry and really hurt professional gamblers like Nick Papagiorgio.

Google Arts partnered with more than 2,500 museums to offer virtual tours online. You now can go to the Louvre in Paris, the Smithsonian in D.C., or you can finally dive into that anime porn you've been having an eye on.

During an interview with The New Yorker, singer Fiona Apple said she quit cocaine after an excursion night with Quentin Tarantino and Paul Thomas Anderson. I, for one, am shocked Quentin Tarantino does cocaine. Palantirologists have discovered the wonder chicken, and it's 67 million years old. But you know what? I bet it still tastes like chicken.

Four Motor Company shut down all of North American production during this pandemic. Well, looks like Ferrari won. And Marvel is postponing the release of its new superhero movie, Black Widow. Of course. I bet if it was White Widow, they would have put it on. Well, that's all for me. Thank you. Thank you for my time. Thank you. Thank you. Over and out for Andreas Kakararara.

I never really got monologues either. When I watched Carson as a kid, I loved when the guests were there. Yeah, I liked it when he failed. That was good. And he would do a golf swing. I get that. When he'd go, two more guys were arrested on the east side, obviously for carrying drugs. I should have called them thug drugs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that part. Yeah, he would just take a swing. Yeah, I love that. I never understood it. Yeah, but I think that's just not the kind of comedy that you and I loved anyway was late night stuff never made me – I always – the interviews. Like Letterman, I only liked the interviews. I would skip the monologue and just wait until he – because he was so fucking good at interviewing. What was the first comic where you went as a kid and you went, oh, I like this?

I think the first comic that made me laugh hard was Eddie Murphy. Like actually laugh out loud. Like delirious. It made me laugh. I laughed hard. He was just so physical. Like I'd never seen that kind of – you know what I mean? Right. He also had this like rock star-y kind of thing. He was a god. Yeah. I'd never seen anything like it. And the first guy to make me like think, think about comedy was Carlin. Like when I heard some of his stuff, I was like, wow, you can be –

funny and have kind of a point you know have a point beneath it for me was kinnison yeah really yeah because sam kinnison had a visceral kind of quality to him it was like emotion and real pure it just i had never seen comedy you know i didn't ever you know he didn't do your standard like set up he was so far from so to me as i remember watching it

That first Young Comedian specials with Rodney Dangerfield. Don Marrero was on it, I think. At the store, right? No, I don't know if it was at the comedy store, but... Oh, no, no, no. At the improv. I think it was at the improv. Improv, yeah. Yeah, but it was just, to me, just eye-opening because you get to see just different styles that I'd never seen. Right. And people swearing and talking about sex in a way that I didn't think you could even say. Yeah. It was just really...

I never got to meet him. Who, Kinison? Kinison. But because Pauly Shore toured with Kinison, Pauly, when I was young, I was maybe 24 years old or 25 years old. He goes, we're going to do the same tour that Sam took me on. And so we did the same exact cities that he did with Sam. And then at the end of the tour, Pauly took me to Kinison's gravesite.

And not only that, but Carla Bow, who held Sam Kinison's body when he was dying on that freeway in Nevada. Carla Bow became a very good friend of mine. I fixed his teeth because this is when I was starting to make money and he had a toothache and I took him to the dentist.

That's really nice. Yeah, because, but I only, I mean, I think in retrospect, I only did that because I had such a, not obsession, but he was just such a big role model for me. And then here's what's greatest, the greatest thing that I ever got from is there was a, Sam Kinison had a couple of sisters that used to live with him. He wasn't fucking them. They were just girls. And one of the girls. I wouldn't have thought he was fucking them.

His sisters? No, not his own sisters. There's two sisters that weren't related to him. Dude, I thought you were like, he lived with his sisters. And he's not fucking. It's not like he's fucking his sisters. But one of them used to hang out at the store a lot. And she knew my obsession with Kinison. And she...

Came to the club, and she had a plastic bag. It was a Sam Kinison shirt that he used to wear on stage that was never washed because you could smell the salt on it. Yeah. Right? And I still have that fucking shirt. You need to frame it. I will frame it, yeah. You have to frame that. That's so incredible. Yeah, so I've always had a respect for – that's why I hate disrespect, right?

For like the older generation. Yeah, I have such respect for the older generation. For people that did it before us, yeah. Yeah, even the ones that weren't even that good. I'll be honest, like guys, I don't even... Well, because they just, they were like leaders. This is a fun story. I'll give you this. I don't think I've ever told this one. This is...

I was in – I was writing like bad sketch jokes my like first year in L.A. with a friend of mine at the Coffee Bean. I don't even think it's there anymore, across from the mall. And it's late, and they're about to close down. And in walks Norm MacDonald. And the girl says to me who I'm writing with, this girl that I worked with at a production company, she says to me, she goes, oh, yeah, you know who that is, right? And I go, oh.

holy shit and she goes that's the Bob Dole guy I go the Bob Dole guy I would have ripped her eyes out I mean I was like it's fucking Norm Macdonald yeah no I know I forgot his name I was like so we sit there and I'm kind of fanboying out and I'm on I'm just kind of you know like not trying to face him and he's ordering coffee and I keep kind of looking over just to like because you just want to get a glimpse because when you're up 22 I just moved to LA I was like fuck holy shit it's Norm Macdonald

He comes in there where the coffee is. He looks over. She's a pretty girl, okay? And obviously doesn't see me at all, doesn't know I exist. And he's kind of trying to talk her up a little bit. He's like, what are you guys doing? And she goes, oh, we're—

We're writing sketches. And he goes, oh, yeah, I know a thing or two about sketches. And both of us were like, yeah, no, we know. And I started telling him, I'm like, no, I'm a fan of all your sketches. And he goes, oh, okay. Well, I'm going to go next door. I'm going to get a Steinbeck novel, Barnes & Noble. There used to be a Barnes & Noble. He goes, I'm going to get a Steinbeck novel. I'm laughing, thinking he's just making jokes. And he goes, I'll be back, okay? I'll be back. And he walks out, and I'm like, whoa, how fucking cool was that story?

hand to god he comes back in with a steinbeck novel and sits down by us and just starts talking oh my god i swear on my life oh my god it was almost like he started a norm engine and he just wanted to talk so he just started talking and talking and talking and telling stories and i shouldn't tell it like i don't want to fuck it up but the best story he told i said what was your most like secret fun thing that happened at snl that like you know like what was some inside shit and he goes uh

Smigel and I, Robert Smigel. If you don't know who Robert Smigel is, he's Triumph the Insult comic dog. He's the voice and the genius behind that. Smigel's a fucking phenomenal genius writer and comedian.

He goes, Smigel and I, we used to write sketches for Tracy because we knew Tracy Morgan. We knew Tracy. He was bad in table reads. He couldn't read for shit. He was a fucking stumble through words. So one time we wrote this sketch that we knew was going to tank. Lauren hated it. And we showed it to Tracy anyway because we knew he had trouble reading. He had someone helping him read. He had a bad time with S's.

So he wrote this sketch about this guy who's like a gay animal handler named Brian Fellows. Do you remember that sketch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brian Fellows. And he goes...

Yeah, if you look, the best part for us was it was Brian Fellows, apostrophe S, Safari Planet. It was three S's in a row is the sketch that we pitched. So in the room, even though the sketch was bad, we knew Tracy would go, Brian Fellows, this is Brian Fellows, this is Safari Planet. And we knew we were crushing the room. He goes, and everybody lost it. He was like, the sketch was terrible. But Tracy would go, Brian Fellows, this is Safari Planet. Yeah.

Yeah. And Norm goes, and he goes, that is the funniest thing. We used to fuck with Tracy all the time. And dude, I was like, my heart was filled with comedy warmth. This is the most wild part. Again, I don't believe that this happened. I, to myself, I'm going, this is a lie. You're making this up. Right. But she's my proof. We walk out when they finally close the doors. After they're like, Mr. McDowell, you can stay. Fucking the coffee bean kids are sitting just listening. We all walk outside and he starts taking off kind of headed north.

on La Cienega. And as a joke, my friend goes, do you want to ride? Are you walking? And he goes,

No, no, no, no. I don't want to get in the car with you. And we start laughing and he goes, okay, shotgun. And he comes and runs, sits in the front seat. No. I swear to God in my life. Oh my God. Her car. I'm sitting in the back seat and he's showing us where to go and we drop him off at his house and, uh, or, you know, at this complex and he gets out and he kind of opens the door and we haven't said, we didn't say anything the whole car ride. Right. We just listened to him going, now left here, right here. And he gets out and he turns and looks in the car and all he said, he just goes, good luck or, uh,

Whatever. And closes the door. Wow. Yeah? That was my Norm MacDonald moment in comedy. But he... Because he was one of those guys that I was like... When he did Weekend Update, I thought... I was like, that's the funniest guy to read. He was the best at that. Yeah, because... I don't find it funny. He was the only person that I found funny in that position. Because he didn't care. The jokes...

the jokes were him making a joke about the joke right that's how funny it was yeah and after I saw him do that I was I thought that's the guy that can write jokes better than anybody that I I didn't know anyone that could write a joke like that where it's like it's really clever it's funny but he throws it in the trash do you know what I mean it's like he wrote it he's like ha ha and throws it away can I tell you what happened to me where they fucked with me at Matt TV yeah

So back in the day, we would do a table read on a Tuesday, but on a Monday night, they would send – they had a guide that drive to everyone's house and drive and drop off the fucking script. Oh, yeah. Right? The packet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back in the PA day. Back in the PA day, right? So he would go to like 15 people's houses, right? But so there's this young girl named Katie Dippold. Yeah, I know Katie Dippold. You know Katie, right? She wrote Ghostbusters. Bridesmaids too. And Bridesmaids. Yeah, yeah.

But Katie was a writer at MADtv, and Katie – this was the last table read we did because the show was canceled. So she decided to do a trick. So what she did was she wrote a sketch with Nicole Parker and Krista Flanagan, right? And I think Johnny Sanchez was also in the sketch. And so everyone got theirs. It's only those three. But in my packet, I was in the sketch.

Right? But no one else is – no one knows that I'm in the sketch. Right. Right? But in my packet, in the sketch, I'm just – I don't know why I'm there. My character's in there. But basically I'm going between their dialogue. In mine I'm saying, I'm losing it. And then they would do a couple of lines. I'm snapping. Right? Everyone in this room is going to die soon. Right?

And at the end of the sketch, it's me going, like, it's do bird noises. You know what I mean? And then act like a dinosaur. Like in the midst of them doing the dialogue, the network, the producers, no one knew. Katie did it inside, just her. Only Katie knew. Oh, my God. So the sketch is bombing. Of course. Right? People are backing up from their seats.

Right. Because I'm saying crazy shit. Right. Everyone's going to die. Right. Right. And all I could see is Katie, her face red with tears, just giggling. Losing it. Right. So at the end of the sketch, the room is completely silent. And I just kind of, hey, I fucked it up, huh?

Because I knew that my character, I was not getting laughs. Right. And I'm an idiot. I should have questioned, like, why is this guy here? Yeah, what is it? But I did it. And Katie let 15 seconds pass. Beautiful. Right? And then she stood up and goes, Bobby has a different sketch. And then everyone starts laughing. And they have it on tape. Yeah.

Right? But I was so furious. You were mad? At first, yeah. Yeah, but then you realize it's a good joke. It's insane, that joke. That's a fun joke. It's a fun joke, but crazy. Yeah, but when things are canceled like that, you have to kind of feel, you have to kind of let stuff go because you're like, well, we're fucked. Yeah. Dude, when me and Griff knew I'm dying up here was just kind of like a dead end thing. It was not going to come back. Yeah. All we did was fuck around. Yeah. I mean, what can you do? I know.

I know. You feel it. The crew is like, you can hear the crew being like, you know, like gaffing something, being like, yeah, no, this piece of shit ain't coming back. How do they say it out loud? Oh, they don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. You're a fucking loser actor. They're working men and women. You are a fucking play person. Yeah. They're real people with real jobs. So they're the first people to go, yeah, this thing ain't fucking, fuck that. We got another gig in Temecula. So-

But fucking with Griff was what – that was one of my favorite things to do on that show. Yeah. And this happened in the fucking beginning is I told a bunch of people to like stand by me because I told Griff that I got a call from my agent saying that he's going to die after the first season.

And I had him in a fucking sheer, dude, everybody was like, I thought you knew. Like we thought it was like a, no, I swear to God, you can ask him. So he called his fucking agent. No. And panicked. He was like, they gonna kill me in this first season. They gonna kill me. You didn't tell me that. Yeah, yeah. All I did was fuck with Griff. We had a, this was my favorite thing. This was another favorite thing. Everybody that knows Griff knows Griff, Griff, you know, Griff's a hungry, hungry hippo. He likes to eat and he's my boy. We would have meals together all the time.

We got a special truck for one of the photo shoots. Somebody ordered... One of the production orders, like, sometimes you get a special meal truck instead of the normal catering meal, and it's always, like, so good, and everyone's excited because it's not the normal shit that you're always getting, and we're taking pictures. And the photographer is like... She's like, Santino, and then Ari, and then Jake, and Griff's like... He's looking outside because the truck, now people are starting to go eat. Yeah. And he's like, uh, we're going to put... Let me get mine first. Let me...

Let me get mine out the way. And the photographer is in on it with me because I've told them, make him go dead last. And the photographer's like, okay, okay, okay. And you could tell the dude, he was nervous because he was like, fuck, I don't want to get in trouble. I go, just do it. Just say you're going to do it. And he goes,

Okay, man, y'all. But y'all can't switch with me. And everyone's like, no, I don't want to switch. I want to fucking just do my photos. And he's getting nervous. He sees more people. The crew is going up to the truck. Now all the actors, now all the background is going up to the truck. People are, oh, man, these tacos. Oh, my God. I run up to the truck and I go, hey, just say that you're out of chicken, shrimp, and beef. So all you have is vegetarian left over.

Yo, I have it on video. I have it on my phone. I have it on video. Yeah. So Griff takes his picture. Griff takes his pictures and he goes up to the truck and I'm hiding like a fucking I'm like 15 cars away. I'm like in the parking lot and I'm hiding with my iPhone. Yeah. And I can you can see him kind of saunter up to the truck and you see him go to the window like this. And I swear to God, he just goes, he goes, no. And he turns and he goes, stay out the shrimp.

They out the shrimp, they out the chicken, they out the beef too. Y'all had to take your photos first. I ain't got nothing. I'm dying. We're all eating tacos. And then finally the truck guy, he walks away mad. He's pissed. He storms away mad. And the truck guy comes out. He's like, hey man, we're just kidding. We're just kidding. Now we have shrimp for you. Don't worry. It was a joke from your friend. And Griffin's like, man, Santino. Santino.

Got my fucking sugar all messed up. I love it. Messing with him was the only fun thing. In the lieu of what was happening, we had to have fun. I was so nervous of this sadness keep piling up. I remember, though, when you guys were on that show. First of all, you were contractually obligated, right? So you couldn't do anything else. You would have to do a small number of...

Right, a year. We did 10, but they were hour-long episodes, so our shoot schedule took like twice as long as a normal TV show. Right. And also, ours was a period show, so things had to be dressed like the 70s. So when we would shoot on location, dude, it was forever. It would take forever. It's so funny because— We shut down—dude, we shut down Fairfax Boulevard from—

Beverly to Melrose. Wow. In the middle of the city. Wow. It was chaos. It was insane. I remember when Eric Griffin and I got a call saying that Jim Carrey is doing showcases at the store. Yeah, at the store, yeah. And I remember I got on the showcase, right? And I go, is everyone in the room? Right, so everyone's in the room. Yeah. And I fucking destroyed. Destroyed. Yeah. But in my mind, I'm like, I'm not going to.

I'm not going to fucking play. Yeah. There was no – I'm not going to – why am I in on this? Who was the first Asian comedian that was famous back then? Was there any famous Asian comedian? Johnny Yoon. But Johnny Yoon wasn't until the 80s? Yeah. Yeah, so not the 70s. Yeah, not the 70s. Yeah. That's wild. There was none. But then I go, I know that the bar staff were all Asian. They were. I know. Or black. On the show, they're black too. Oh, they are? Yeah. I couldn't get to that part? No, they gave it to black guys. So there were no Thai people?

There was a Thai guy in the kitchen. Who got that? The Thai guy that works at the store. Are you being real? No, not him.

I thought it was Hart. You know Hart. No, seriously. It was young black dudes that bartended. Apparently that was part of the rhetoric. No, because back then – because I know that Mitzi and Pauly had an obsession with – so Kirk – it was all a Thai staff in the 70s. Yeah. So I guess there was no part for me.

Can we go back to the girl, though, that didn't know Norm MacDonald? So you were the girl. Yeah. She worked as a PA with me. PA. And she goes, what'd she say about Norm? That's the guy from? No, she said, that's Bob Dole.

Oh, from SNL. When he did the sketches. All right. Yeah, yeah. Does it annoy you when young people don't know certain things? Well, first of all, she's a year older than me. It annoys me when somebody in the comedy world misses a comedy thing that I think is obvious. Yeah. Because I'm like, how do you not know who that is? That's like a hero of ours. I had a Tinder date once before Kalilah. Yeah. And-

So we're driving to a restaurant and Space Oddity is playing on the radio. Oh, yeah. What do you mean? Oh, right, right, right. David Bowie, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she goes, oh, I love the song Major Tom from Ziggy Stardust.

And I just, I wanted to pull over. I wanted to pull over the side of the road and go, okay, you can get the fuck out. Get out. Your meal is right here. I don't know why, but when people do shit like that, I start losing my mind. Does it make you feel older? Is that why? Because you're like, how do you not know? I just think that if you love it, if you're going to say out loud, I love this. Right, because yeah. You know what the fuck it is, bitch.

You know what I mean? Don't make a grand, you know, statement. I love this. Yeah. But it's wrong. People do that all... But see, I do that for fun. I think that's funny sometimes. I'll do that sometimes. Like if it's...

If it's like a Rod Stewart song, sometimes if I'm out in public at the bar, if I'm waiting for a drink, I'll go, fucking love Paul Simon. Just to see the guy next to me go, is this Paul Simon? I like doing that shit. You know what I do? If Thriller or something's playing in a restaurant or something, I always go, who sings this?

And I like – they go, really? Yeah, I've heard it before. Who sings it? Because I don't want to Shazam it. Yeah, I don't want to – I don't have Shazam. And then they go, Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson. The baseball player? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always do that. Yeah, it's so – Who sings this? There was a friend of a friend who went on a date with a girl who said – and I don't know if this is a bad joke, if she was joking around – but the Rolling Stones' Beast of Burden. Oh, no.

your pizza burner she thought it said I'll never be your pizza burner no I swear that's what he said I'll never be your pizza burner which if you listen to it I'll never be your pizza burner kind of sounds like it Koreans right when the Beatles were big thought let it be right wait wait let me guess they thought the song let it be no you're not gonna get it they thought it was let it be Medici Medici which is anchovy

So my mom would sing if the letter P was – she'd go, Medici, Medici. It's not – what the fuck? It's not – why would they write a song about anchovies, mom? Because they're good. They are very good. They're very good. They are very good. Medici means anchovy in Korean? Yeah, yeah. Medici, Medici. By the way, I saw the Japanese – there is a Japanese sensation of a Beatles cover band in –

When I was in Tokyo in Roppongi. That was recently, right? Yeah. A couple years ago? Two years ago. In the red light district down there. You brought yourself? No. You brought your wife? She was with me. You know who was there? Aristotle. You know Aristotle. Oh, I love Aristotle. He was in town. They were shooting something. And actually, one of the guys, this is even more fun of a story. I don't know if I've told this before. But he was in town. I did tell you this. I told you that. I don't know if it was on this show. But this guy was in town. This guy, this cameraman.

And we're fucking shit-faced at this underground nightclub for teenagers. We're the oldest by a landslide. And they have two days in Japan. He's drinking Double Fist and he's chugging. He's kind of a portly Midwest guy. And he's sweating, dripping with sweat. And the music is...

You know? And he's bouncing up and down. And Aristotle goes up to him. Yeah. And he looks... Dude, in his face, his eyes, he looked happier than you've ever seen a human in your entire life. Aristotle. No, no, no. This man. This guy. This guy. And Aristotle goes, hey, man. How you doing? Like, checking in on him. Yeah, yeah. And the guy goes like this. He goes... He goes, I really miss my kids. I really miss my kids.

Blacked out of his fucking mind. Oh, really? Yeah, he was just... He was lost. I really miss my kids! That's so funny. So funny. No, but we went to go see the Japanese, the famous Japanese Beatles. Wow. They were... And I'm not kidding. Like the real thing? They were better than the real thing. You've never seen the real thing, you fuckface! I don't care. I saw them there in Japan. These motherfuckers were phenomenal. Yeah. And I was thinking I was going to get some... They were going to get, like, phonetics correct, but some of... No. No.

What the fuck was that? You want to ruin the flow or what, bro? Are you out of your fucking mind, Jorge? Yeah. Do directors do that when they're shooting? Why did you do that? It was blocking my face? Was it blocking his face? Yeah, it was blocking your face, sir. Don't talk, fuck. You don't talk, fuck. All right? What are you talking for? Look at Andres is riding high off that stand-up set. Yeah.

You know, I think Asians are the only race where people are allowed. Because Pauly, sure, right? Every time I'm around him.

He sings out loud at the spa. We'll walk into the Korean spa and he'll just acapella. Chinese people are the best people in the world. Right. And Koreans are just washing themselves and they ignore him. They're just washing. Right. He keeps going. He'll touch their heads. Chinese people.

and just create, you know what I mean? And they'll just, we won't say shit. Yeah, they let him do it. Yeah, but it's time. It's time. That we say shit. Like, that's not fucking okay. Well, why don't you say something to Paul? You're with him.

I keep pulling him aside, going, hey, I know this has been 25 years you've been doing this. Every day for 25 years. Literally. Yeah. 25 years. Yeah. Right? Every fucking day. It's enough. And I go, hey, for 25 years, you know that I'm Korean. Ain't nobody Chinese people. And he'll just keep doing it. And it's like, I love him and I let him do it. I do love him. He's like a brother to me. You know? I love Pauly so much.

But it's like it's time for us as a people. I mean it's just – we have to be more woke. Yeah. So I was doing – Sometimes. When I was doing Harold and Kumar 3, we were shooting in Michigan. Really? Yeah. Why Michigan? Because back then I guess they had – Big tax breaks. Tax breaks. Yeah.

So I remember John, his trailer was farther away because he's the number one on the call sheet, right? So he was shooting more closer to my trailer. So he goes, yo, dude, can I use your bathroom? I go, yeah, go, John. So John uses my bathroom. But at the same time, I had 10 minutes before that asked for some Advil because I had a headache. So the medical guy, he didn't know John was in my trailer. And I was smoking by the little steps there. Sure, sure.

And he comes around the corner of the medical guy and he goes, Mr. E is a white guy. Mr. E, I love you. Right? And John flies out of the fucking trailer. Go, what the fuck, man? What's up with the accent?

He's like, it's just a joke. I just do it for my Asian friends. I have a lot of Asian friends. You know how they try to justify it. Covering it up. He's like, if you ever do that accent again, you're not going to be working in this movie. Oh, damn. And he walks away. He was the medic? Is that what came up? The medic. And the medic blushed.

And I went, you can do it in front of me. But just don't do it in front of him. You know what I mean? Yeah. But I realized, I go, it's not okay. Yeah, no. But people still feel like we – the reason why is because we don't say shit. But here's the thing. It's only okay if there's a pre-established relationship, right? Yeah. Like I was talking to someone about this. They were asking me, why is it okay, an older gentleman, why is it okay for the –

For black people to say the N-word. And I had this long-winded conversation. I was like, because it's taking away power from a word that whites used to use to denigrate black people. Right. He's like, yeah, but doesn't that perpetuate the negativity, putting it out there? I said, not when you own the word. So it's only okay contextually –

If you've made it okay. So like if you fucking joke with me and we make it okay, but it has to be a predetermined thing. Yeah. And there's no rules. There's no like, it's just a thing that you must know. Yeah. It's funny. Black people will call me the N word sometimes. Yeah. And I don't even know how to feel. Yeah. Like I'm like, I have to go. I'm going with it. I can't say it back, but I also like don't, I don't know how to react to it sometimes. Yeah. So I call the cops on them.

Yeah, it's getting – no, you didn't. I believed you for a second. I know. That's insane. I know, I know. But truthfully, I do have black friends that call me the N-word or they'll say it in conversation. Yeah, yeah. And it's a part of the flow. Yeah. But it's interesting to see when other people see them say it to me. Yeah. And they're like, why does he have it? It's funny how sensitive we're becoming because it's like –

You know, I'm on a game show coming out. What is it called? It's called Game On. It's coming out. It's on CBS. Game On on CBS. CBS Tuesday nights, 8 p.m. featuring Bob Lee. It's, you know, me, Rob Gronkowski, Venus Williams. Oh, I saw the preview, yeah. Did you really? I did. Yeah, there's a preview online. Was I in the preview? No. I wasn't? No. Wow. It was a Gronk thing. It was a Gronk thing. It was just him. Okay, good.

But anyway, I'm on it. I'm on his team. It's just me and Gronkowski versus Ian Carmel and Venus Williams. Oh, it showed Ian and William's sister, and then it just showed Gronk by himself. It's fine. I know what you're trying to do. In the ad, it literally said Rob Gronkowski versus Venus and Ian Carmel. That's fine. Huh. It said a one-man show versus a two-person team.

So when I was on the show, right? It's called Game On? Yeah, when they hired me, they were like, you know, we want you to do what you do on Tiger Valley and you're podcasting, right? And then I go, okay. Oh, my God. You're going to try to fucking shame me here? No, I just want to see the imagery. Images, go ahead. They ask you what you want to do on the... No, so they want, you know, we like what you do on podcasts. So I go, in my heart, I'm like...

okay, good, I'm just going to do my thing. Yeah, just fuck around. So remember, we're shooting, we do a panel, Keegan's on it, and they're doing a panel, and they mentioned, you know, they put an athlete on the screen, and they go, what are the things that this person would love to do? And one of them was Renaissance Faire, the other one was barbecues, and the other one, and everyone, and,

I was saying, it's not Renaissance fairs because black people don't go to Renaissance fairs. Right? There ain't no fucking black hobbits. No. Right? Something like that. Right. I remember, cut, cut. I hear, cut, cut, cut, cut. And people just, producers coming down, surrounding me. You can't...

You can't say that. You can't make a joke. And I go, I just said that black people don't go to Renaissance fairs. They don't. I know. My point, though, is that, but that's where we're at. Yeah. Comedy-wise. Was Keegan there? Yeah. Did he laugh? No one laughed. Keegan didn't laugh? They act as if I said the N-word. Did you follow it up with the N-word? No, no, no. I did it. No, no, no. Wait, but did you say to Keegan, were you offended by that? Yeah. Another joke was my mustache and Ian goes, you look like.

Freddie Mercury, right? I go, sick Freddie Mercury? What? You can't. Really? You know what I mean? So what I'm saying is that. Hate isn't even real anymore. I know, but my point is that it's fun because on this. Yeah. When we're on here, I don't know what it is. It's just that are we not up to the times or are we being too sensitive?

Is the world being too sensitive is the question. Oh, okay. Well, I'll answer it to the best of my ability. Yeah. What we do here... Because I call him Fancy Beaner. And now if I said that on any TV show... You're fucked. I'm canceled. But here's the deal. This is a comedy podcast. The whole point of this is to have the freedom to joke around. I mean, none of this... This is fucking ridiculous. This is fucking... The whole thing is fucking insane. So it's like I got...

There's an understanding that this is chaos and stupid and goofy. And 99% of what we say is probably a joke or fake or just us fucking around. Yeah. This isn't a sentimental heart to heart.

It doesn't matter, though. We are saying things that aren't woke. No, but no, no. In fact, I think they're probably more woke because we're breaking down the barriers of how annoying it is to be so questioning everything unless it's detrimental for somebody. Nothing on the show is going to be detrimental for somebody. This is all for fun. This is actually to break away from how nonsense it is to be over-parenting what we do and what we say. Look, there was a guy on Twitter.

I posted the other day, Ariana, no, which one is it? Vanessa Hudgens put up a video of her being like, she go on my Twitter. She's like, yeah, it's like the virus is going to kill people, but like that's inevitable or inevitable or whatever. It's like going to happen. But like, I like, I respect the virus, but...

It's like, what are you going to do? And she's like flippant about it, right? All I did was retweet it and I wrote, VHudge will lead us into salvation. Just joke. This is the voice. Just like fucking around. By the way, I'm not even criticizing her.

I don't care. I think it's funny. But she's canceled. No, she's fine. Well, she released a statement last night saying, oh, my God, I'm so sorry about being insensitive. That's my problem. She can't make a flippant statement without having to apologize. She didn't even say anything that bad. Yeah. Last week, Andres said that gays, Jews, blacks are going to get the virus and he won't. Remember that? He said that. Yeah, he said that out loud. Yeah. And he's not. He's fine. We just know that. Okay.

In this world, our fans have an agreement with us or new viewers that this is fucking – it's a joke. This is all fucking – it's bullshit. This guy says – this guy tweets him. Of all the people that like the tweet – and a lot of people then take it and they're like, stupid bitch. And it's like, well, that wasn't my intention. I was just thinking – I thought it was funny that she was just flippant about a virus, right? I didn't call her any names.

Some guy writes me and goes, way to go, buddy. Mocking someone's da-da-da moment. It's clickbait. All you're going to do is gain a couple of followers from it. Congratulations. And I wrote back to him, hey, buddy.

I'm a comedian. This is Twitter. And gaining some followers off of something I tweet is exactly what we're doing here. What the fuck do you think we're doing here? Twitter is a fake. I go, none of this matters. Twitter is fake. This isn't CNN. This isn't a news source. So that's my point. It's like, we know, Bad Friends fans know, this is all for fun. We're going to be fine.

It's all for fun. No, the reason why I do Tiger Belly in this is because I'm tired of waiting in line and then saying things that people tell me to say and conforming to what people want me to conform to. Totally. Originally, I did this just so that I could just say whatever the fuck I want to. We do. That's half of the fun. I know, but my point, though, is that there are times where I lay in bed and I go –

You know, is it is Andrew and I prehistoric? Are we saying things we shouldn't? Yeah. Have we not changed our thinking? Where do you want to what do you want to change? Well, I want to be able to get to the point where I look at Andreas and I call him fancy beaner.

But it's so fun. It's so real, though. He is a fancy beaner. That's the thing that I can't get my head around. Okay, so I would argue that kind of language, and he knows it's in jest. He's our friend. He's laughing. He's laughing. He's loving it. He's a little fucking fancy beaner. I think knowing that, that there is nothing but love and friendship in this room, that the context is endearing, is the only way we can move forward with language, knowing that none of that is...

None of that is intently meant to be mean, right? The guy that was like, oh, Mr. E, Mr. E with the medic, he doesn't have that relationship with John, so he can't do that shit. Right. Everything is— Neither did I, but he did it. But you could have been like, hey, don't say that shit. I don't like that shit. You're not my friend. Yeah. And getting rid of that as a whole, of a white guy going, oh—

If you wanted to get rid of it as a whole, then you should say, I don't want to hear it anymore. It's not fun anymore. You know what? Say it. You doing Asian accents, dude. Yeah, go ahead. Hurts my feelings. Okay. And I don't want you to do it anymore. You heard it here first.

That's why it's funny. Because there's no negative intent. I really meant that, but it's okay. We'll let it go. Cancel Andrew. There's no negative intent. I think that's the purpose. The problem is, like I said, it's a fucking vague line. Why is it that when we shit on each other, we know it's love, and then when the medic says something...

demeaning, it's more serious. There's an unwritten rule of friendship and relationships that you don't, that we'll never be able to explain. Yeah. It's like if I was a medic and the guy was redheaded and I said, here are your Advil and here's some Lucky.

You know what I mean? Like I wouldn't do that if I didn't know the person. But if you know them, it's funny. It's funny if I know them, but it's like the medic doesn't know me. That's weird. That's what's crazy about it. Why is it in his head thinks it's okay? Because you sometimes perpetuate it. Maybe you –

Bring it on or say it's okay or you encourage it. Right. Okay. So if you say be more woke, then you would need to be more vocal about things you don't like when people do it. Yeah. I'm not going to stop with you. I don't want you to stop. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. But I know that that's a thing that exists. Yeah. Andreas, if he doesn't like you calling him a fancy B, if he didn't like it. Andreas, when I call you a fancy B, does that offend you? No. No.

Do you think it's funny or do you think it's annoying? I think it's funny. Is it annoying, though? No. There we go. And here's the thing. We pay him so we can say whatever we want to him. That's true. He's ours. We own him. That's a power play. You're our employee and we own you. You understand? Yeah. Say yes sirs. Yes sirs. It's so terrible. No, but if you were annoyed, he'd probably say something. Yeah. But this is a relationship of a comedy show. That's the whole point. I know what you mean. You want to be more woke. No, I don't.

You said sometimes you lay in bed and I think to myself, why is it that I find certain things humorous that, you know, these millennials wouldn't? OK, let me stop you right there. Right. This is this is there's there's two parts to this that I I think what you just said. Why do I find it funny?

Why do you find it funny that making fun of our differences, that when you make fun of my stupid, ugly red face and you make fun of him and we make fun? Why is it that we find that funny? Because it's comforting because we know that the thing we share is like, I make fun of you. You make fun of me. You make fun of George. George,

Really, we always just make fun of George. He doesn't make fun of anybody. But that's the relationship that exists. So I'm saying you find it funny because it's inherently funny to tease each other about differences. I think that that's... Differences make us... It's been like that since the dawn of time. No shit, of course. Right? Of course, of course, of course. Yeah. There is an unhealthy version and there's a healthy version, in my opinion. Us fucking around in here, healthy. We're in a fucking... This is our vacuum. This is what we love.

On the outside, if you want to be more woke, yeah, that's social awareness. But that's just – that's a balance that we'll learn over time. Right. Like you know how when you see – okay, when you're out in public and when you see – when you're in the corner store and a black guy walks into the corner store, you know how you usually go, run! And you leave as fast as – Yeah, yeah. You can't do that anymore. Right. Right. You know, it's –

Language is delicate and it's all contextual. That's what I'll say. Yeah. You know what I hate too? One time I was walking down the street. I was in Cleveland. I was going to Hilarity's or something. Okay. And I was going from the club to – it's not that far from the club to the hotel. Right. So I was walking and I was like, do I have my key? So I always put my key in my right back pocket.

Do I have my key? As soon as I did this, I was walking by a black person. He goes, I'm not going to steal your wallet, motherfucker. And I walked by and I was just looking for my key. I didn't say that out loud. But it looks like you were protecting your wallet. It looks like I was. No, I was just like at the same time. He's like, I'm not going to. You're right. Yeah. He's like, I'm not going to steal your shit. Right. My wallet happened to be back there.

But, you know, another instance, I was in D.C. What did you but what did you say back to him? Nothing. I just let him pass. And I was just like angry that I'm like, dude, I don't think that fucker. You should have said to him. He goes, yeah, but I don't. Also, I always feel like if I get in a confrontation with somebody, it's going to exceed to a. Let's play it out. You say to me, you say to me, yeah, this is how it should have gone. You say to me, I'm not just here. Well, we're walking. You're the black guy. I'm you. All right. Ready?

I'm not going to steal your wallet, motherfucker. Well, it's happened before. That's not what you said. Another thing is I was in D.C. I was at a hot dog, that place that Bill Cosby loves, that hot dog place in D.C. Love Bill Cosby. I hate hot dogs, but I love Bill Cosby. And I was at that hot dog place, and I was walking out of there, and I was in the way of a black man. And I go, excuse me, brother.

You know what he said? I'm not your brother! Right? I'm like, yeah, I didn't say I was black or nothing. I was just like, you know, I know we're not little brothers, but you're a fellow human being. Like, I didn't say that. I just kind of went, did I do the wrong thing? You know what I mean? Yeah, you felt like you did. I said the wrong thing. You meant brother as a term of endearment. Right. Right. So, you know, people are just so overly...

Even strangers are so overly just sensitive. Yeah, but it depends on your approach and it depends on their mood, right? I shouldn't take it personally because...

I don't know their life experiences. I have no idea. I've never walked in their shoes. I have no idea where they're coming at. Well, you probably have nicer shoes than them. That's the other side of it. I have an $800 pair of Golden Goose. Let's play out the scene that you said, I'm not your brother. Let's see how this should have gone. So I'm the black guy again? Yeah, and I'm you. Ready? Here we go. All right. Oh, excuse me, brother. I didn't mean to get you. I'm not your brother, motherfucker.

Thank God my brother's successful and smart and not trash like you. That's what you should have said. It's insane. It's insane. No, but you know what, though? By the way, you doing the bad black voice is bad. That's what I just did. That's my point, though. What? If you want to get... No, no, no. Fuck you because... Fuck you because... Hey, wait a minute. I'm just saying. If you want to be more woke, then you have to do his voice. It can't be like...

I'm not your brother, motherfucker. That was a literal impression of the person that I'm impersonating. Everybody, whether they're black or white. So let's do that. You want me to do this. So you be me again. Okay. No, you be you, and then I'll be the black guy. No, I'll be the black guy. I'll show you how you should have said it if you were the black guy. Here's how the black guy should. Okay, go ahead. You want to get the laugh here. Okay, good. No, I'm not.

No, not the laugh. Yeah, right. Here's what the black guy should have sounded like. All right, so, excuse me, brother. I'm not your brother. I should have done it like that. Yeah, just regular voice. Yeah. You were like, I'm not your brother, motherfucker. Like it was a 70s fucking. Can we do one thing that's super racist? We'll cut it out. Leave it in. No, we'll cut it out. So this is how I wanted to say it. Okay, so I'll do it. Let's do it. You're the black guy. I'm the black guy? Yeah, so I go, excuse me, brother. I'm not your brother, motherfucker.

My brother just texted me, so I want to promote. Speaking of real brothers, speaking of real brothers, Stevie Weeby.

Bob's brother has a new EP that just came out. Yeah. He's... It's called Ode to My Pops. Ode to My Pops. He sent it to me. His hip-hop name is Kwang-woo, which is his Korean name. So that's what I was going to say. I was like, what is that? Kwang-woo? Q-U-A-N-G-O-U. Kwang-woo. Kwang-woo. It's called Ode to My Pops EP because my dad died in August. Yeah. And he...

Wrote an EP and it's really good. I've listened to it. I love it. It's on stevieweebybandcamp.com. Yeah, we'll put up the link in the description. Go to stevieweeby.bandcamp.com. My brother's been working hard on it and Eric Griffin loves it. I love it. People love it. Peep this shit. Yeah, he's a talented young man.

Can you plug in my phone? My phone is on Bluetooth. I just got this text. Hey, you guys, my phone is on Bluetooth. I want to see if I can... Here's the text right here. All right. You know who Michael Rosenbaum is? Yeah, I love him. I don't think you do because... Why? He goes, hey, gorgeous, can you get Andrew Santino on my pod? Nobody is doing shit. He's got time. Love ya. We all have time. We're all dying. So Michael Rosenbaum... He texted... Him and I already texted about it. I just can't get a schedule down between doing mine and this one. Well, you have...

You're in quarantine. You have every day free. This just happened, Bob. You have every day free. Don't fuck with my friend, man. He's Lex Luthor, bro. He wanted to schedule this before the quarantine when I was on the road. You're getting a text today now that we're in quarantine. Yeah, I'm going to call him right now. Let's hear it. Stop checking out. Bobby?

Hey, Michael. So, Andrew Santino, I'm next to him right now. Hey, bud. And he goes, I go, can you do his podcast? And Andrew Santino literally, this is literally what he said, fuck that guy. Yeah, that's what I said. So, I don't know what that means. Yeah.

Rosie, I actually said, I said, I said, I don't like anybody that associates with you, Bobby. So fuck that guy. I don't like him at all. I don't like the way he looks. Well, he basically said he has all the time in the world, so he'll schedule. Okay. Basically. Did you tell him that Santino you there? Yeah, baby. I asked Bobby what his, what his, uh, his dad's Korean name was.

And he said something like Sung-Jik something. And I go, what's my Korean name? He said, Suk-Dik-Ju. All right, Michael, he'll call you and to reschedule, okay? Suk-Dik-Ju. Suk-Dik-Ju. All right. All right, bye. Love you both. Just two seconds. I want to play this two seconds. This is your brother. Ready? So dope.

I like it. I know. I do like it a lot. He sent it to me and I enjoy it. I don't know how much of it we can play without fucking iTunes or somebody getting on us. Well, I've got to go back to the quarantine, so I think we should end it. Okay. All right. Look into the camera and end it. Thank you for being a bad friend. Can we do it with an accent this time? No.