Shoot The TV 01:25:28

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So get your tickets to see Bobby Lee Live at BobbyLeeLive.com. Don't say, but say you. It's you. Do it. Get your tickets to see me at BobbyLeeLive.com. And my dates are coming up. What are they, Bob?

Don't tell me what to do, but I'll tell you what they are. Denver Comedy Works. You deserve it. March 12th through the 14th. Are you downtown? Yeah. Larimer Square is the best. I've been there before. How many shows are you doing? Just five. Oh, I did six. Yeah, they wanted to do seven, but I said no. They wanted to do 13 for me, but I said it's an unlucky number. Let's do 17.

I'm going to do Houston, Texas, the Houston Improv, March 27th through the 29th. Dallas, Texas, the Addison Improv, April 3rd through the 5th. And I'm going to be at San Diego, California at the American Comedy Club at April 30th through May 2nd.

All right. What's yours, friend? Come see me on the Red Rocket Tour. Go to andrewsantino.com for tickets. I'm in Philly March 6th and 7th at the Punchline. In Chicago March 13th at Talia Hall. Then I'm at Mohegan Sun March 19th and 21. And then I'm in Cincinnati March 27th. And then I'm in Cleveland March 28th. Oh, and then, and then...

On the 29th, I'll be in Houston for Skank Fest. You're going to be in Houston. At the same time, you have to come over and say hi. Am I going to really be in? Seriously. Really? You're going to be in Houston at the same time. You have to come say hi. We'll have dinner or something. Perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come see us. You two are best. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You guys are weird. Andrew, looking good. You seen a Korean guy around here? Bobby? You two are sociopaths. You two are disgusting. You guys are nuts.

You two are wholesome and decent. Oh, good. You two are back together. You guys are freaks. You two are dangerous when you're coordinating. You guys are gross. Oh, you two are something. We're bad friends. Bong Joon-ho. Okay, I can't help that all Koreans... Bong Joon-ho. Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Reed. Okay, I can't... All right. I can't help it that... Bong Joon-ho.

Bong Joon-ho. That's it. Don't do it. I swear to fucking God, dude. Bobby, don't do it. All right? I'm not kidding. You want to fuck around? Don't point it at me. Stop doing Bong Joon-ho. All right? Okay. Stop it. I can't help it that Koreans are big-headed. Huge. Yeah, yeah. Very melon-like. What size hat do you have?

Like a nine and four quarters? No, I have to get like a tailor to my head. No. Yeah. If I go to like Lids. You don't go to Lids. Yeah, yeah. They have to get that trash can and they put the trash can on my head. Yeah. And then they just build the fucking, you know, the opening of a trash can. Like if you got a bowl cut, they would have to use like a fucking one of those huge salad bowls to cut your head. Yeah. Did you have a bowl cut when you were a kid? Yeah.

There's only two styles back then for Koreans. What was it? Bowl cut and just fucking monk it out. Shave it down. Shave it down to the nub? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you know about... This is real. I run in the neighborhood. Can I tell you what's going on with me? Yeah. My neck really hurts, by the way. I have a sore throat. May have the corona. But I'll tell you what happened to me. Your corona virus? Corona. What happened? I had a rough two weeks, guys. Yeah. Oh, congratulations on...

Curb, by the way, that you were really good on it. You didn't see it? It didn't even come out yet. I mean, it came out, but you didn't see it. You were good on it. You didn't see it? Yes, I did. You liked it? Yeah, it was really good. What was your favorite line of mine? I don't memorize lines even. I've seen A Good Few Men. A Few Good Men? Yeah, and A Good Few Men, and then they... A Good Few Men. And then, you know how they quote that movie? I don't know any of the quotes, but I've seen the movie like a thousand times.

Give me any movie quote that you remember then. Are you looking at me? Is that what you're looking at? What is that? What movie could that be? Taxi Driver. Yeah, yeah. Hey, I'm walking here.

I'm walking here? I'm walking here. Here's. Here's? Yeah, at midnight. And then I got so many quotes, actually. But you saw my Curb episode, and you thought it was really good. You're really good at it. Okay. I thank you for that. Yeah. Tell everyone where we were for the separation, that we were apart for a while. Where'd you go? So I went to Hawaii and— Again.

Yeah. And I had a real traumatic experience there, to be honest with you, to be real. Then say it. Well, I show up to... So I'm doing Magnum P.I. And the director is Robocop. The guy who was in the fucking... The Robocop? The real Robocop. He was the director? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that guy's name? Peter Weller. Peter Weller, Robocop. So I come up to him in the early morning. I didn't know he was directing. I thought he was guest starring. So I see him in the morning and I go...

Oh, my God. I'm a big fan of yours. I'm a big fan of yours, too, as well, is what he said. Yeah. That sounds nice. Like at 5 in the morning. There he is, Peter Weller. Right? That was him. So then I show up on set, and he comes up to me, and we haven't shot anything yet. And he goes, don't fuck this up. Joking around. I don't know. Obviously joking around. Yeah. Well, to me, it didn't sound—

And then he walked away and he went, eh, eh, eh. You know what I mean? I was like, what the fuck he is? You know what I mean? Eh, eh, eh. Yeah, and then he goes, this is how he gives notes. What are you doing? More energy! He does it like RoboCop. Yeah, and he goes, eh, eh, right? And then he goes, Bobby, more energy. No. What?

Yeah, yeah, that type of thing. Bob. Bob. I'm hungry. But then by the last day of shooting, I had this one line I just could not comprehend. I can't even say the line now. What do you mean? It was a line in the script I couldn't say. In terms of what? It was just hard to say? It was just hard to say. Yeah. What do you think? It was in the middle of a bunch of things I had to say, and I just couldn't remember what it was.

And then all night long, he's like, dude, would just make fun of me. Just be like, this kid right here can't even memorize one line. Shut up. Yeah. In front of everybody? Oh, yeah, yeah. And this is after you've rapped? This is during the last day. You know, this is the last day. Oh, what the fuck? On set, in front of people. Yeah, I mean, people, you know, he is, you know, he's obviously joking around. Yeah, but it's not fun. But to me, it's just not fun. It just puts a lot of, like, added...

Because I'm not even getting that much money for it And I'm doing it because I love the leads in it It's fun to do But he's a guest director He's not every episode Every week is somebody different So then that happened And then I flew my mom to Maui And Stevie right? My brother Steve yeah And then yesterday I made her cry Why? My mom cried in my bedroom I know why did you make her cry? BTS

Backstreet Boys? No, no, no. Because of BTS, man. You know what BTS is?

Behind the Shield? No, no. Behind the Shield? It's the biggest pop group on Earth. Oh, they're K-pop stars. Yeah. I know who they are. Yeah, yeah. I know who they are. ATF? No, no, no. Those are the ones that killed the people in Waco. I thought ATF was... Wait, BTS. This is them. Yeah, the biggest boy band in the world. The biggest K-pop band literally in the world. And they are all so fucking hot. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Look at how good. Are these all boys? Yeah. That's a girl. Yeah. That's a hot boy. Yeah. I would fuck every one of them in their buttholes. Can I tell you the one that I wouldn't? This one. I don't like his look. No, that was the one. Yeah, that was the one that barely got in. He auditioned 50 times. We need somebody. I'm an ogre.

And they're like, we don't, he can't dance, sing, nothing. You know what I mean? He'll just be in the background. He's in the background. They don't even tell him where the camera is. He's looking this way. He just, you know, he finds out from the other guys when the photo shoots are. They don't call him directly. No, he has to get text. Yeah, Taco, Taco, Taco Tanaka. Tanaka. It goes, yeah, yeah, Wingo. His name is Wingo. Yeah, Wingo. We have a photo shoot right now.

They didn't tell me. Right? And he has to run. They won't even pick him up. He has to run with his little yellow legs. Yeah, yeah. I'm here, guy. Oh, look, look. He might be blind. Yeah.

They're all looking at the camera. He's blind. Well, they're Asian. That's rude. Oh, no, no, no. You're right, man. He's looking the wrong way. Don't do eye jokes now. But my friend... I wasn't. I know. So... What are their names, by the way? Can you name one of them real quick? No, I have no idea who they are. Let's go through their names. Yeah, yeah. Let's learn who they are. Yeah. Well, let me kind of tell you the story first and then we'll learn. Nah. I want to know who they are. Do you know what that BTS stands for? What? The Korean expression Bangtan Sonyeondan.

How do you say this? Bangtan Sonyeondan. Bangtan Sonyeondan. Bangtan Sonyeondan. It literally means bulletproof Boy Scouts. Yeah. That's what they are. Shoot one. Fucking shoot one. Do that. Shoot George. If you're going to shoot somebody, shoot George. I will Virginia Tech this place up, brah. How about this? How about this? Let's say you're going to give George a raise if you can shoot him every week. That was a bad joke, by the way. That was so dark. Yeah, that was very black. I skipped right over it.

George is going to get a raise if he can shoot you every week. Would that be worth it? Every week. He shoots you one time in any body part he chooses, but you get a raise every week. Until you basically own the show. You know who that is? Yeah. That's his name, right? The guy that shot up Virginia Tech. Oh, my God. I don't want to talk about that shit. I have to talk about it. No, let's talk about BTS. I want to talk about BTS, but I want to talk about him, too. I want to talk about BTS real fast. All right, go ahead. Can I tell you what happened, though? You fuck.

Here we go. Clockwise from left. Here's their names. Okay. One's just named the letter V.

Really? Yeah. Kim Taehyung, also known by his stage name V, South Korean singer. Then there's J-Hope. Yeah. Better known as... Oh, that's Jung Ho-suk. Yeah, he's cute. Let's rate them. Yeah, okay. Let's give him... Okay, let's give him a go with the V first. V is... That's the ugly one. I'm going to give him a three. I just can't do it with him. Yeah, yeah. He's got too many gaps in his teeth. J-Hope, hot. Yeah, an eight. That's an eight or a nine. Eight or nine. RM...

Ooh. Wow. You know, they take good pictures of him. That's Kim Namjoon, of course. Everybody knows him as RM. Yeah. I'll give him a six. Five and a half? Six. Then Jin himself. Oh, ten. Kim Seokjin is the shit. Yeah, yeah. He's a ten, ten, ten. He'd suck my dick all day. How do you say ten in Korean? Ten.

And then Jimin is... Oh, shit. You know what? You know what I like? This is Park Jimin. Everyone knows Park as someone who's... And the photo says it all. Cute and flirty, and I love sugary cereal. He's a cute guy. He's cute, yeah. I like him. And then who do we got left? We have five more. Jungkook. Yeah, Jungkook. Oh.

Oh, that's a villain in a movie, huh? This actually looks like if you photoshopped, you know, if someone did like a de-aging thing on you. Yeah. That could be, that was like you when you were a little boy. That looks like you. Maybe. He's the type of guy that like at a party, he comes out naked and they think that he's doing the Buffalo Bill thing where he's tucking his dick around the neck. Yeah, the mangina. And people are like, stop doing that. He's like, I'm not doing it.

And last is Suga, or it's Min Yoongi. Oh, that's a good one, too. Min Yoongi. Is it Gi or G? Gi. I don't fucking know, bro. Dude, you speak it. I don't. Barely. You speak it enough. I've heard you say it. So anyway, can I tell you what happened? So BTS...

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Let me fucking tell you what happened. So my mom and I, my mom, you know, maybe a couple years ago goes, Papi, I want to watch all your iTunes movies. She wants to watch all your iTunes movies. Yeah, yeah. And I like Elton John, so I want to listen to all the music you have on your. So I go, easy, mom. Let's just link up our fucking phones, right? So you can have my iTunes account, whatever, right? Got it.

But so during this, so I fly my mom because my dad died, remember, in August. So I just, I decided to like try to do things with my mom. And so I wanted to take her to Maui and do all the road to Hana and do all the shit. Yeah. And so she would be like, hey, we're mom, we're going to go. I tired. She would say, again, but we have the plan, day plan. I, my back hurts.

She probably was tired and in pain. No, she wasn't. And so we go, all right, we're leaving without you. So we left. Yeah. And so on my phone – and this is not an exaggeration because Kalilah and my brother counted probably 10,000 BTS screenshots.

On my phone. From every time she was just screenshotting pictures of them? Yes. Right. So now I have to delete. Like you're just deleting thousands at a time. Of course. And when you delete them, she would add another thousand. Wait, why was she doing that on accident? Does she not know she's screenshotting? No, no, no. Purposely. So basically her back hurts, right? Yeah.

But that's not what it is. No. She's just sitting in the hotel room, screened. She's obsessed because when we, on her Christmas, all she wanted to do was BTS photos and posters and shirts and memorabilia. Yeah? Did you get that for her? Oh, yeah. Can you get her to a show? No. She's done. Why? She's fucking done with it. She's done with the fucking BTS. It's crazy. It's weird. And we're not doing it anymore. What's weird about it?

She's lonely. She's an older woman. She finds a lot of joy in these young little Korean boys. What's wrong with that? Because she says shit like,

How come you don't look like this? You know what I mean? You know when she says that? Hold up a mirror to her and just go, this is why. Well, actually, my mom, if you look at my mom in her 40s and 30s and stuff, she was hot as fuck. I know. And your dad was a shoe. Your father looked like a... My dad was like, you know, they laid him down on his back and they just said, run over nine steamrollers over his face like the big construction guy.

That's what my dad looked like. I thought you said when he passed away, they laid him on his stomach because they didn't want anybody to see him. Yeah, he was an ugly fucker. In fact, even as a kid, I remember... Who looks more like... Does Stevie look more like your mom? It's a combination, but people say my brother looks more like my mom, yeah. Yeah, because you don't really look like your mom that much. No, no, no. They say that I lean toward my dad a little bit. I don't think you do. I think you're a handsome young man. Okay. So what happened? So anyway, so...

All day long, I'm deleting thousands of BTS things. Yeah. And I can't come home. And I go to the hotel room and I knock. I open it. Like, just fucking Clint Eastwood. You know, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And I was just like, this has to stop.

Right? I go, that's all you do is lay down in bed and screenshot BTS things. And I know she masturbates to them. No, she doesn't. She does. No, she doesn't. Her little old yellow coochie, she just, you know what I mean? I wish my son looked like this. You know what I mean? You're right. Yeah. So I go on. Like when you stir mac and cheese. And then she goes, but, she goes, but.

I'm lonely. Oh, Bob. I go, I don't give a fuck. Bob. Yeah, yeah, right? She's lonely. I don't give a fuck. So then I go, and then I go, it has to stop. It's an addiction. It's fucking weird. You know what I mean? And then she puts her, she lays on the bed and she puts her jacket over her head and I could just see this.

Why are you laughing? I just see this on the bed. I go, what's going on, mom? And my brother takes the jacket off and she's just crying. Oh, no. I thought she was laughing. No, no, no, no. She goes, hurting anybody? That's right. She's not. I know she's not. You're so mean. I'm the worst. Why did you do that to her? Because I had to fucking all day long delete. Ask Kalilah to do it. We would hand the phone in the fucking car. I go, you do $1,000.

And she just would keep doing it. Yeah, do it. And then you would finish it. Yeah. And there would be another fucking thousand. Then get her her own iCloud and then just pay for it. So it's not connected. That's what we did. Yeah. After all the pictures were taken. Yeah, but then what enraged me is that my fucking iPad is linked too. So I haven't even started with the iPad. I probably have 20,000 BTS. And I have to look at their fucking stupid faces and erase them. I love them.

I don't know why you don't like them. I think we should get your mom tickets to see BTS live. Can we do that? Well, only if we get backstage. Do you think we have access to something like that? BTS concert tickets? Who are you with agency-wise? UTA. Okay. Look, there they are right there. Here we go. Seoul, South Korea. Seoul, Korea. The motherland. Santa Clara. So that's up in San Francisco. Yeah. Pasadena, May 2nd. Let's buy her these tickets. Pasadena, May 2nd. They're going to be here?

Look on the screen right there. May 2nd. Rose Bowl, Pasadena, May 2nd. I got to see who they're up by. Or Sunday, May 3rd.

Okay, we're going. Me and you and your mom. Okay, we'll go. Can we go for real? We can go for sure. I'm going to go. But we have to get – anyone listening to Bad Friends, hopefully this is out by the time the show starts. Yeah, this will be out. Okay, so anyone listening to me right now, and if you have anything to do with BTS or have any kind of connections, my mom is obsessed with them. Obsessed. And I wouldn't be able to take her there if we have like shit seats or –

So we would love backstage passes and just a meet and greet. And that would be my mom. My mom's really old. She's almost 80. And she might rape them. So? Yeah, it's fine. Don't you think they'd be into that? I think they'd be into it. But my mom is a huge fan. So May 2nd or 3rd, if anybody has any kind of hookup for BTS, we're dead serious. This would mean the world to Bobby's mother to take her because she is lonely. And Bobby is restrictive over her fun.

Look at that, dude. Look at how cute and fun they are. But you know there's an epidemic going on, right? What do you mean? Last year, I think about five or six old K-pop stars have killed themselves. Shut up. Yeah, so what happens is these kids go through the system, right? Yeah. Where they're like on fire, they're hot, because it's all just manufactured. It's some executive going, I'll take this gook, this gook. Yeah.

This can't – they're pretty – and then we'll put them together. We'll write songs for them. And then what happens is when they're 23, 24, they get shot out of the system and then they don't know what to do with their lives. Two of them actually last year got charged with gang rape. Not BTS but ex-K-pop stars. I would love BTS way more if they were gang rapists. Yeah, yeah. Look at this K-pop singer, Guhara, found dead, age 28. Yeah.

So they've been, they're killing them. All these people just commit suicide when they, when they're not famous anymore. Yeah. Yeah. God, I wish some people in Hollywood would do that. That's so sad. I'm kidding. You know what? I just saw something. I saw the saddest thing. I saw Vince Neil do a cameo. What do you mean? Oh, oh, oh, the singer Vince Neil. Yeah. Oh my God. And he's like, he's like. There's another one. Hey Toby, it's me, Vince Neil. Happy birthday. Johnny Taco Time Rodriguez sent you this. You know, I love tacos. Yeah.

Anyway, it's me, Vince Neil. Happy birthday, dude. What's wrong with that? It's just so sad. So what? Do you do those things? They approached me. I was just like, we're not going to charge $10. Cameo. How much do you think Vince Neil charges? $400. Shut up. Yeah. $400 for fucking one happy birthday? Yeah. Shut up. Yeah. That's what it said. How do I find out? Here we go. Let's see. Let's see. How much they are. Vince Neil.

Vince Neil. Vince Neil. There we go. Motley, Motley Crue singer. $400 book right now. Don't book it. Please don't book it. Can we hear what he said? I'll get back a request for you or anybody you love, or maybe not even love. So give me a shout. See ya.

What? You don't find that to be sad? Hey, I'm Vince New from Motley Crue. Hey, give me a shout out. I'll get back a request for you or anybody you love. I used to sell out stadiums. Yeah, but $400. Give me another celebrity. See what they're charging. Let's pick somebody. Let's pick someone. Who do you think? Let's see if Ahmed Ahmed's on that. Is Ahmed Ahmed on it? Yeah. He is? Yeah. How much is he charging? $25. $25. Hey, all you people out there. I don't know why it's not working now.

What happened? It was. No, no, no. Shout outs to your friends, family, coworkers. Happy birthday. Happy anniversaries. So mean. Congratulatory messages. Anything you want. We love the family. Happy to do it. And hope to hear from you guys soon. Someone should just be crying. They should just be like, yeah, who would be really fun? How about Drake? I think that said Drake. There's no way, Drake. There's no way, Drake. Please, Drake. No, those guys aren't going to do it. You're on fire.

I think this is for people that are like us. On their way out. On their way out. Look at how many people said Bobby Lee. No. I wouldn't do it. I didn't sign up. Who else do you want to see that's on here? Let's see if Theo's on it. Is D'Elia on here? There's no way. No. Yeah, Theo Vaughn. No, Theo's not on here. Hey, man, what's up, dude? Happy birthday, dude. I heard about your dad is sick. Oh, there's Brian Plossane. We know him. He's a comedian. Let's see how much Brian's charging. $75,000.

Hey, I'm Brian Posehn, actor, comedian. I play Bert on Big Bang Theory. People seem to like that show, especially. Okay. Yeah. We should do one as a cross thing. I will do one together with you. I'm dead serious. How much are we going to charge, though? Ten grand. How much? How much?

Let's do five. Let's just see if anyone does 500. How about 1,000? No one does 1,000. There's no way you can do 1,000. I'm sure there is. What does Gilbert charge? Gilbert charges $1.50. Okay. I think we can go 200. Oh, this is Jim Norton's character, Chip Chipperson, and he charges $69. See, this could be funny when you do a character. Yeah.

Valentine's Day is fast approaching. You're dating a piece of garbage. You don't want to buy her chocolates because she's fat. You don't want to buy him flowers because he's afraid it's going to make him gay. So the best thing that you give, how about a Valentine's Day wish from Chip Chipperson? Relax. I'll make the pig feel a lot better.

See, that's the way to go. That's hilarious. That's fucking hilarious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here you go. Filter price. Let's do the most. Let's do 500, it says is the most. Yeah. Let's do- Only 500s. Yeah, yeah. Minimum 500. I want to see who only the 500s are. Okay. Chris Harrison from The Bachelor. Uh-huh. Kevin O'Leary from- $1,200. Kevin O'Leary, the fucking Shark Tank guy. Oh, wow. $1,200. Wow. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is 500. Marshall Falk, 500.

Wow. $795? What a weird price. Just be fucking $800, Jordan Belfort. Yeah, yeah, asshole. Do you know who Jordan Belfort is, right? No. That's the Wolf of Wall Street. That's who the movie's based on. Oh. That's him. The Go-Kid King. Go, go, go. Dick Van Dyke. Oh, no, Dick. I know. Oh, no. Hi, I'm Dick Van Dyke, the older version. You know, I'm with Cameo now. So if you'd like me to send a message to a friend, you know, tell them you love them, or whatever.

Happy birthday. Happy Valentine's Day. Yeah. Or, you know, maybe just good wishes. Tell me what you want me to say and I'll do it. Okay. This is me. He's a legend. He's a legend. How about this, though? I do want to hear. It's really funny because when they talk, you could just talk over them. Rap report. Oh, rap is 150. Oh, that's good. Who is this? Oh, the animated series, Batman.

Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? Who is this guy, too? This is an actor from Will and Grace, huh? Yeah. What is he charging? $75. Yeah, yeah. Hold on. Oh, Simon Rex. We know him. $69. Andy Dick is $100. Uh-huh. Now let's hear what Andy has to say. Andy's probably funny. Yo. Oh, there I am. What's everybody doing? How you doing? It's Andy Dick. Stoked to be on Cameo so I can get in touch with my friends and fans.

If I still have it, I'm wearing my little turn of the century Christmas carol jam jams, watching Iceland, and hit me up. He's great. I love Andy. He's fucking great. Yeah. He's great. When he did our podcast, you know, did I tell you what happened? I saw, I mean, I watched it. No, but you know what he did? Yeah. He goes, hold on a second. I got friends here. You know, I used to live in that apartment. What? Beachwood. Oh, your old place. Right, my old place? Yeah.

So we stop it, and then 12 dudes are in my living room. What? Yeah. And he's just out there, like, conniving out there. Right? So I go, George, keep the door open. So when Andy did the podcast, so I can see what they were doing, because I thought they were, they looked like hooligans. Right. Troublemakers. Troublemakers. Yeah. Manny Pacquiao's a thousand. Can we just see his? Yeah, sure. Please. Sure. Ready? Yeah. So silly. Okay.

Hello Lister and Yasis I want to wish you a happy birthday and wish you all the best on your birthday Amma should not be your opening thing here

Okay, Manny, just record a quick video. It's not that big of a deal. Just say hello to your fans. This is how you get money from them. So let's hear what you got there, bud. Just let us know. Energy, Manny, energy. High energy, Manny. High energy would be great. It's called Cameo, and we told you what it was. We told you what it was, and all you literally have to do is just get on there and just let them know. Just read the card that we have. Just read the card that we wrote for you. Okay, go ahead, Manny, whenever you're ready, bud. Whenever you're ready. Um...

Hello, Lister Diasis. I want to greet you a happy birthday and wish you all the best and more birthdays to come in your life. Birthday to come. And give you good health. I just want to let you know that your kids, they love you so much. It sounds like a hostage video. They love you and if you want them to live, you have to pay me. It looks like on the other side of the camera is the Joker.

The Keith Ledger one, right? Yeah, yeah. And he's like, he's tied up. I want to tell you. I want to tell you. Happy birthday to everybody. Yeah, this is interesting. But I got to tell you, for $1,000, if he's getting $1,000, and look, he's already done. There's five right there. He just got six grand in front of our face in one day. Wait, she just, wait. There they are. One, two, three. That's from today. Yeah, latest. It says today, right?

Yeah. One, two, three. BetterHelp, the world's largest e-counseling platform. That's right. It's the largest e-counseling platform, Bob. Is there something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals? A lot. A ton of stuff. What's getting in your way? You. You.

I'm getting in your way? Yes. Let me tell you something. BetterHelp is going to assist your needs and match your own with licensed professional therapists. You can start communicating in under 24 hours, peeps. And it's not a crisis line, which you might need. It's not self-help. It's a professional counseling done securely on the internet. There's a broad range of experts.

expertise in better helps counseling network, which may not be locally available in many, many areas. This service is available clients worldwide. You can log into your account anytime and send a message to your counselor. That's right. And it helps. Yeah. Let's be real though. You know, counseling has really helped me out in the last six months. Same. Counseling is one of those things that I think everyone should, should do. I know we don't all want to do it, but you should do it. It's easy to talk to someone. You need more counseling. I,

I do. Yeah, because you're a snapper head. You need more counseling too. I know. And you know what? With better help, you can get it. They're committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they can make it easy and free to change counselors if needed. And by the way, we both use counseling and we both need it. Yeah, yeah. Some need it more than others. You. Especially. You though. Yeah. Okay.

It's more affordable than traditional offline counseling, and financial aid is available. That's huge. BetterHelp wants you to start living a happier life today. Honestly, visit their website. Read the testimonials. You can see they're posted every single day on betterhelp.com slash reviews. So go to betterhelp.com. You should go to betterhelp.com, Andrew. I will. Right. Slash. Slash. Bad friends. Bad friends.

And it'll help you. Go ahead. And it will help you. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, and join the over 700,000 people taking charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. Special offer for our Bad Friends peeps, listeners. Get 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com slash... Bad Friends. Yes. Oh, wow. Yeah, so he just made $5,000. Today. Does he need more money? Yes.

Yes. Because these guys spend money like fucking... I understand that, but it's like... Let me just say something, all right? Yeah, let me see. Listen, once I got a door deal at comedy clubs, I decided I'm not selling merch. Look at this, by the way. Do you know why? Yeah.

Because I'm getting so much money at the door. Why would I rape them for more money? I get that. So it's like for me, it's like that's where he lives. That's why he needs more money, dude. Trust me. He could afford that and 15 other ones that look just like that. I know. But then to keep them alive, it costs so much fucking money. So the extra five grand is what – that's what's going to fucking – that's the water in the fountain. That is. That's his fountain built.

five grand a month is if i was him i'd be like fuck the fountain but i don't need fountain yeah wait but you saw here's the thing though i don't do merch at shows because honestly more because i don't want to lug them around so all i do is i have the the red rocket posters and i sign those but it's more from how much do you charge 20 bucks for a great piece of art made by great artists that i sign and they can keep as like a memento of the show what's wrong i mean that's fine

But I just don't want to lug t-shirts and stuff. It's more that I don't want to do it. Yeah, I don't. D'Elia does it and he makes like a hundred fucking thousand dollars probably an hour. Well, his little fucking pussy bitch does it for him. Who's this little pussy bitch? Michael Linoche. Who is that? It's his opener. So mean. Yeah. His little. So mean. He's a great comic. He's great. And you're being mean. And you're being mean.

Can I tell you what he's done to me, Michael Linoche? Yeah, tell me, because he's a good guy as far as I'm concerned. All right, I'm going to tell you some Michael Linoche stories, and maybe that'll change your mind. Okay, give it to me. All right, first of all, Michael Linoche... Let's bring him a picture for people that want to see what he looks like. He used to be a cheerleader.

In high school. No. Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Seriously? Yeah. He used to be the – in the show Cheer, he used to be the guy that holds the woman up. Here's him looking really cute. There he is. Okay, that's Linoche. That's Mikey. So he's friends with Fihim Anwar. Yeah, I love Fihim. So Fihim Anwar used to open for me all the time. Yeah. So many years ago – this is before Linoche sucked Dalia's dick to get the – So mean. To get the opening spots. Sucked it hard too, I heard.

But anyway, yeah. So Fahim comes to me and goes, you know my friend Michael Lanochi? I go, you mean that jock that used to cheerlead? Why do you have such a beef with him? I'll tell you what he did. All right, go ahead. I didn't say that at the time, but this is how I tell the story now because he's fucked me over a couple times. So he goes, his family is going to be in Florida, Fort Lauderdale. Can you MC him?

I've never seen him, but if he's your friend, fuck it. Let's do it. Yeah. So we fly him out there, the whole thing, right? He does okay, right? So Sunday night, I get a call from my friend Paul. He's a big radio guy down there. Yeah. And there's another director friend of mine. I can't recall his name right now, but he did that movie, Cocaine Cowboys. Oh, I love that movie. So both of them call me and they go, hey, we want to take you to your favorite restaurant. So I go, oh, yeah.

Okay, cool, but can I bring my openers? Billy Corbin. Yeah, Billy. I love him. He goes, can I bring my openers? And Paul and Billy go, yeah. Sure. It'll be on the house. We'll take care of them. We've got enough money. We'll do it. So we're in a packed restaurant. We're at Dan Marino's table.

At this restaurant. Oh, really? Yeah, he's not there. I thought you meant his restaurant. No, it was somebody else's, but he has a table. Oh, do you remember the name of the place? Yeah, Runway 84 or something like that. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So you're there, you're at Dan Renaud's table. And it's slam-packed, by the way. Yeah. Right? And so...

At the end of the meal, the owner – yeah, Anthony's Runway 84. Wow. It's beautiful. It looks beautiful. It's beautiful. And it's the best Italian food, I think, in South Florida. And it's supposed to make it look like you're on an airplane? Yeah. That's hacky as shit. Yeah, but it's been there forever, so – Okay. I'm in. In fact, the owner, the reason why I can get a table there, he's a huge fan of Kirby Enthusiasm. Oh, he is? Yeah. Every time I go in there, hey, he says my character's name and everything. What was your character's name? I forget. Bong Joon-ho? Bong Joon-ho?

If you fucking do a Bong Joong Bong Joong again Don't point it at my fucking face Okay sorry For people that don't know That they're listening via audio only Bobby has a gun and he keeps pointing it at me And it's fucking It's loaded It is loaded And the safety's on but I know how to take it off Can I finish the There's two stories Yeah fucking do it

So the owner of the restaurant sits down with us. It's slam-packed, and at the end, we all get up from the table, and the owner goes, hey, let's do a group Photoshop, like shot, a photo. A picture. A picture. Right. And I go, all right, who's going to take it? And the guy goes, well, our staff is so slam right now. I go, oh, Mike, Mike, Mike Lonocchi, you take the photo. And Mike looks at me and goes, nah. I go, hey, I laugh. I go, yeah, just take the photo, man.

Nah. I'd love it. I go – I put my finger on the table. Take the fucking photo. I'm not taking the photo, Matt. I want to be in the photo. So the guy – and he – the owner has to run around the restaurant now to find somebody to take the photo. OK. Right. A staff member. Yeah, and it's slammed, right? So there's now a level of stress. Yeah. But now I'm in such a rage.

Right? My MC opener wouldn't take the fucking photo. Right? So now you're fucking pissed. Rageful. Yeah. Yeah, I want to ruin his career. Right? That's all the ways I can ruin his career. So we get back in the car. They find a busboy. Yeah. I take it. You know what I mean? And he's sweating. This busboy's sweating because he's been running around this fucking restaurant. Yeah, because he has to do real work. Real work. So he takes the photo. Lenocci's in it.

We get in the car and I go, bro, in this situation, I'm your fucking boss, dude. I'm paying for all this. And he goes, you're not my boss. You're my friend. What did you say? And I just completely shut down. The door closed? Right. And then I go, never again. Never again? In my head. You never talked to him ever again? Well, that was, yeah, the thinking. But then cut to five years later.

Five fucking years you didn't talk to him? I would kind of avoid him. In the hallway at the store? I would say hi. You know I'm not that mean, but I would say hi. Look, I'm in the hallway at the store, and I'm him, and you're you. Say hi. Hey, Bobby, what's up? What's up, dude? And just walk away. Whoa. That's ice cold. There are a couple of guys, I can name their names, I don't give a fuck. I won't even give them that. Go on. Kevin Shea. Yeah, yeah, we know that. So five years later, he comes up to me and goes, hey, man, I've changed.

That's the intro? Yeah. Hey, I've changed. I've changed, man. And what did you say? I go, what have you changed? You know, and he goes, I'm like, I know you're doing San Diego. Can I open? And I don't know what came over me. I went, you know what, dude? I'm a forgiving man in my head, you know? Yes, you are. And I'm going to Dalai Lama this. Yeah, man. What? I'm going to be like present and mindful and peaceful about it. Yeah. So now he's emceeing for me in San Diego. At La Jolla. Yeah.

No. The comedy store? No, at the American Comedy Company. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. So... No, not for me. Why? Because of Justin? No, no, no. I play the store anytime I go down there. It's like the only... I have an allegiance to the store. I would do the store if the manager of the store didn't fuck me over the way he did. How did he fuck you over? Well, that's another thing. That's another story. Right. So, um... So, Linoche is opening for me and, um, this one took me over. This is the final... This is the nail in the coffin. Okay.

Nail in the coffin. Yeah, so I – second show on a Saturday. I don't know what the fuck happened, but he brings me up, and at that time, I needed the stool to do two bits. What were they? I forget. I had a ninja bit that I did. I needed the stool for – I know your ninja bit. Yeah, and I had another bit. But I needed it. They were like my – toward my end, good closing bits. Yeah. I needed them. Sure. So he brings me up on stage. I get up on stage. There's no stool.

So I whisper in his ear. I go, hey, dude, while I'm up here, just go get me a stool. Grab a stool. Right, right. So I'm on stage, and I can see him in the audience flirting with women. Right? And I'm on stage, and I'm telling jokes, and I can just see him. And then I see him with the doorman. They're like – he's poking their stomachs. They're like giggling, right? Yeah.

And I'm just on stage just eyeing this behavior. Pissed. Pissed. Livid. Right. He doesn't even ask for a stool. No, he's trying to get puss. He's trying to get pussy, right? And you're looking for a stool. And I'm not kidding you. It was the worst. I can probably in my lifetime, I've had top five worst shows I've ever done. No way. That's in my top five. There's no way it was that bad. I swear to God. Just because you didn't have the stool. Because you were in your head. I was in my head. So every joke was coming out really angry and weird. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

And then I'm literally eating it. I'm not even kidding you. I don't believe it. To me, it felt like open mic night. Shut up. You just were in your head. I was in my head. I was in a rage. Because you were staring at him. Right. Did he take a girl out of the room? Did he end up talking to somebody or did he just leave? He left without trying to get a stool. Do you remember?

No, he didn't get a girl. But he just took off. Yeah, and then when – so I'm eating it, and at the end of my show, he – and I'm like now sweating. And I go, that's my time on stage, right? That's my time. He comes up on stage just eating with his – you know what I mean? Happy. And I look at him. I go, that's it. We're done. You wrote him off. And that was it. That's it.

We're done. So now you don't even say hello to him. No, I do. We joke around. Oh. You'll say I never worked with you. The problem was that he's a survivor. He's like a little roach. You know how you see there's a lot of roaches out there. He's a talented guy, and he's probably going to make it. I like him. I like him too. He's going to make it. I like that you hate him. I think that's funny. No, I don't hate him. I love him. Michael, if you're listening, because I'm going to do something with him next week. What are you doing? He has some sort of internet show he wants me to do. Okay. I'm going to do it.

Also, can I just say this? Lonocchi was also a guy that I used to use even after that where I would make him – but this is why I could do this. Why? I could go, hey, dude, 5 in the morning. Stand outside your place. He goes, why? At 7 a.m. I have a fucking audition. You're running lines.

And he would do it? Yes, he would wake up. I'd be on the side of a fucking road. He would get in my car. I'd give him signs, and we would run it for an hour and a half. I wouldn't have to pay him or anything. That's really nice. Would you buy him a coffee or something? No, nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. You just let him in and get him out? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would kick him right out, right? And even little things like this. So I'm a little mean to him, but I'm good with him. He's just never going to open for me again. So then you were done with him? You're disposed of him when you're done with him?

Yeah, I'm not done with people like forever like I can't talk to you, but like in terms of working, no, that's it. So now you're never going to want to work with what's-his-name-ever-again Peter Weller because he fucked you over on – No, no. If I ever do Magnum again, I'm going to ask now who the director is. And if he's doing it, you won't do the episode? It depends.

Here's the phone call. Ready? Yeah. Hello? Hey, Bobby. It's Micah Schofield. I am... Just let me do the fucking character. What is it? Well, Gene...

Hong would call me. But Gene Hong is – shout out to Gene Hong. I'm not picking it up yet. Shout out to Gene Hong. Gene Hong is a co-executive producer on Magnum PI. He's my boy. He's the one that writes all the episodes for me, and he's so talented. I love you so much, all right? Yeah. Yeah.

Don't fucking point it at me. So, hello, hello. We should make an aside for people that aren't only listening on audio. The gun that Bobby's pointing at me is an airsoft gun. It's not a real fucking gun. It only took us 40 minutes to talk about the gun that's on. Right, so, hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Hey, Bob. Gene, what's up? What's up, brother? How are you? Hey, bro-bro. Listen, dude, I want you to come back out and do a couple of more epis of Mag Mag Pee Pee. Awesome. Who's directing? Guess what? What? Peter Weller. Okay. Bye. Wait, wait, wait. Bobby, Bobby. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah. Check it out. What? We're going to give you $150,000 an episode. Yep. I'll do it. All right. Yeah, I'm in. Okay, ready? And it's dope, isn't it?

It's the only thing that I remember. Look at me. I'm not joking. It changed the way I sleep. Both of my beds have it now. Okay, I want to say this. All my beds. The honest truth is that when you said Buffy and you're like, take it home. And you go, trust me. You know what I mean? It's good, right? Because your restaurant tastes are so bad. Really? Like what? That one diner that you took me to. My point is. Wait, what diner? Let me just finish my point. Name the diner and then we'll talk.

Name the diner. That 24-hour place down on Ventura that you took me to. That mom and pop place. Where you have breakfast and stuff. Mom and Papa Ventura. Yeah, yeah. Mom and Papa Ventura. Anyway, my point is... I never go there. That's Crave Cafe. That was because it was just in the middle. It doesn't matter. I was hiking. I know, but the thing is that, right? That's not my restaurant taste. I know, but your bad taste and things. Okay. So just stop getting angry, man, and just listen and absorb it. Oh, absorb your shit talking? It's not shit talking. I'm being... I'm telling the truth.

Okay, tell the truth. The truth is that I thought you had bad taste in shit. And then when you told me this Buffy blanket, I was like, it's probably going to be bad. And I brought it home. And it's the best blanket bedding I've ever had in my life. And therefore, you probably got a recommendation from somebody else. No, I used it and I love it. And Buffy, by the way, they make super soft, earth-friendly bedding. It's a comfy night's sleep that you deserve. It's even comfier because it doesn't harm the environment, Bob.

It uses eucalyptus fiber. It's breathable and it's cool to the touch to help maintain the ideal sleeping temperature and feel cozy without overheating. It really is when you put it on your body. It's incredible. It feels like air. Yeah. Cool air. And also, I used to sweat. I sweat all the time in bed. They're called anger sweats. I've never ever sweat before.

I've never, ever sweat with a Buffy. Yeah. I'm dead serious. It's crazy. I've never sweat with a Buffy, and I use their comforter and the duvet cover. Their products have almost 20,000 five-star reviews plus an overall average rating of 4.6 stars, so believe the hype. Believe it, man. Buffy orders a free trial, free shipping, and you can give it back if you don't like it. Free returns every single day. It's no joke. When someone says try it and give it away if you don't like it...

you know it's good. You can try their products in your own bed for free before you commit to buying. If you don't like it, just give it back at no cost, okay? For $20 off your Buffy bedding, visit buffy.co and enter the code. Bad friends. Once again, for $20 off your Buffy bedding. Bad friends. Visit buffy.co and enter the code. Bad friends. Enter it. That's what it is. Did you see the photo? No. Of what? Of you and... Me and Peter Wheeler. Wheeler? Whatever his name is. Peter Wheeler. RoboCop. Look at that. Look at that.

Oh, that's a great photo. Who took that? A cameraman.

Did he smoke a cigar on set? No, that we were outside smoking together. Whoa. So it's not as if we hang out. He looks tight. Yeah, he's tight. He looks like a cool dude. He's a cool dude. But when I have relationships, I'm Bobby Lee. Yeah, I know who the fuck you are. Right, but so I have a little confidence. When I was young, I did a show called Arliss when I was a young kid. Yeah, we remember that show. He was a basketball manager, right? Yeah, yeah, right. What was his name?

Who was fucking Arliss? I hate that fucking guy. He's a comedian. Yeah, his... Don't even Google it. Let me think of it. No, I'm going to Google it and you can think of it. Okay. Arliss. TV show. Did I spell it wrong? Isn't it two S's? Yeah, it is. Arliss. Robert Wool. Robert Wool. Robert Wool. Yeah, and he's like... And he's goddamn kind-ish. He's like smarmy a little bit. Yeah, so when I was on that show...

I was so scared. I didn't know who the director was. I didn't know what was going on. I just remember being, you know, I was 28 years old, 27 years old. You act like that's like super young. Yeah, but I only started when I was 23. Yeah, I guess. And also I'm from a small town. You're from San Diego. From Poway though. It's like a little askew. It's in San Diego. Yeah, but it's North County. It's deep in the woods. There's no woods. I know, but there are trees. Yeah.

There are trees there. I promise you. So you're 28. You've gone R-less. You're nervous. Robert Wool isn't nice to you. Yeah, and so I'm just scared. I don't know what a jib is. I don't know what any – You know the tech terms. I didn't know anything about it, right? So when they say, all right, you're done with the scene, you scurry to your dressing room and just wait. You know what I mean? But now –

You know, you fuck around with the cameraman. I know everybody. I know the everybody. I know you hang out. You know what I mean? The stars of the show are your friends. You know how to do it. So I can hang out with a guy like him and we can jab. But my honest opinion is that when – I used to do commercials with a guy named Joe Pitka. And he was like the Steven Spielberg of commercials. He was the king. Wow.

He did the Bo Nose campaign. What? Yeah, he did. That was my favorite shit on earth as a kid. When Michael Jackson got his head caught on fire with a Pepsi commercial, it was him. Really? He did all the Britney Spears. He was the biggest one, but he was seven foot two. What? White hair down to his back. And he was the meanest son of a bitch I've ever asked Ari Shaffir about him. Why is he so mean? Because Shaffir used to do commercials for him. Eric Stonestreet did a bunch, like 60 from him.

60? Yeah, one time he had the – I'm not kidding you. He goes, all right, I want the crew, the cameraman, and everyone on set to form a circle. So they formed a circle. They put me in the middle of the circle, and they go, point your finger. They point their finger at me, and everyone repeat after me. You're the worst actor on planet Earth. You are making this up. I'm not.

The entire crew did not say this to you. He's the guy that beat the shit out of – he got in a fist fight with a fucking actor that he hired. I love this guy. Yeah, I know. That's your wheelhouse. Yeah, the guy who's disciplined. It's not discipline! You're the worst actor on – that's amazing. Whenever I – in fact, when I run into people like that, I think of you. Yeah? Yeah. What is his name?

This guy's my fucking hero. Joe Pitka. Joe Pitka. Yeah. I want to link up with Pitka bad. Whoa. He looks like Vigo from fucking Ghostbusters. I know. Oh, my God. This is Joe. Yes, Joe Pitka. Does this give you weird flashbacks? Oh, my God. Are you getting PTSD right now? Actually, there's one commercial he did that's on YouTube with me and Eric Stonestreet in it. Can we find it? It's IBM Bobby Lee. IBM Bobby Lee? Yeah, yeah. That was a shit Joe Pitka. This one? What's it say? Bank robbers? Yeah, that's it.

There's no money here. There's no money? No money. Where is it? Somewhere safe. This is the safe. Somewhere safer. Safer? How? Hardware encryption, smart cards, you know, digital security. Who are you? I'm from the help desk. Who are you? Cleaning crew? This place is a mess. Hello.

You guys have come a long way. That was some of the worst fucking acting I've ever seen in my life. And I mean it with every ounce of my body. Who are you? I don't, but you're... We're the cleaning crew. It's a mess in here. But you have to understand... The stiffness was incredible. I know, because I can't be loose when I'm under the dictator.

Right. Well, you look like a dictator sitting with your shaved head in that chair. Was that for Mad TV you shaved your head? No, for one year I decided to do a monk thing. But you didn't have the attitude of a monk. Okay, well, don't make fun of my acting right now. That's not why we pulled that fucking thing up. I'm not. I'm not. Can I show you? Look, we've all done commercials. Yeah, give me some yours. I'll show you. Well, I don't even know if it's still up, but the first one I did was Mike's Hard Lemonade. I'm dead serious. Yeah, yeah. NASCAR. It probably doesn't exist on here anymore.

Yeah, no. There's no. That means you didn't do it. I did. If it's not on YouTube, you didn't do it. Well, I'm telling you. I did it. I don't know where it is. NASCAR commercial. Yeah, no. Oh, maybe this is it. No. There you go. It was at a racetrack.

I did another one with Kevin Christie. I love Kevin. Kevin Christie was not a comic. I'm the one that got him to do comedy. You got him to do stand-up because you did the – Because I met him on an AM, PM commercial. Too much good stuff. What? Too much good stuff. Yeah, and then we became friends there, and then one time I ran into him at Amoeba. Yeah. And he goes, I want to do stand-up. I go, let's go to the store, and then he just started doing it. Really? Yeah. And you were the one that convinced him to do it? Yeah. Do you know what it's called?

Yeah, AM, PM, maybe Bobby Lee. I don't know. You can barely see me in it. I'm like the fourth friend. No. I know. It is online somewhere. I just don't know what to Google. Sorry. It doesn't matter. But the point is, yeah, the commercial thing was tough for me. I really – it became like a weird cattle call. Yeah, they're all cattle calls. But it made me emotionally feel fucked up when –

I would go for a role and then I would see the kid who worked in the casting director's office get the role and I was like, he fucking works there. Oh, you know that one dude? And that used to kill me. I was like, well, that guy fucking works there. There was a comic who was a cameraman for an agency. Who? Do you know who it was? I forgot his name, but he would be the guy that he would call you in. Oh, you read with him in the room. And he would get half of them.

Yeah, because – Because he would put himself on. Yeah. It was the worst. Did you ever go to 200 South La Brea? Did you used to go to – Oh, yeah. Is that where the Petco is? Yeah. Yeah, all the time. In fact, there a nightmare happened where me and Johnny Sanchez, we had like nine callbacks for Mountain Dew, right? It was like a big campaign, a lot of money, and it was down to four guys, right? And neither of you got it. So they would – they needed two guys. Yeah. So they paired me and Johnny and these two other guys.

And we would go in, and then they would leave, and Johnny would go in. And I remember us four standing in the hallway, and the cast member goes, you, you, you're out. To you and Johnny? Yeah, and we just – you know what I mean? You, you, you're out. Yeah, three days of going back there. And for nothing. Yeah, over two dudes that you've never even heard of. Yeah, but they don't give a fuck. It's a look thing. Commercials are like, what do they look like? Dude, at 200 South, this is an insane story. Like it popped into my brain. Remember they have those benches. They're like carpeted benches, right? Yeah.

A little girl. There's always was kids on kid auditions all the time. There was a million little kids running around. This is insane. I just remember this. And I'm so livid because they called me back for this thing. And I just was like, I didn't want to go. I knew I wasn't going to get it. I could tell because I could tell they didn't like me. They just wanted you back. They're like, yeah, we have to get 10 people back in any way.

And I'm sitting there and it was the afternoon. It was hot as shit. It was the middle of the summer. And I'm sweating sitting on this bench and I'm wearing a fucking sport coat. And I look over and all these kids are playing on the benches. And this girl is jumping up and down on the bench. Dude. Yeah. Jumping up and down. And her mother goes, get off. And she goes, why? Why? And she goes, get off. I'm not kidding. Out of like the worst fucking hilarious horror movie. She runs up to her daughter and grabs her by the neck.

and throws her off the bench. I'm not kidding. Like a seven-year-old girl throws her off and then she falls to the ground and she starts crying and the parents are like, oh my God, what the fuck? And she's like, I was just trying to grab, I was just trying to grab her arm and she, I mean, she, right in this little girl's neck and threw her off the fucking bench. It's insane. And that made my day. I was like, I don't care if I don't get the commercial. That was fucking hilarious.

She grabbed her little daughter by the neck. She looked like she was trying to just get her body, but she went right for her throat. I mean, it was all that parental... When you hear about parents that want to kill their kids, after years and years it builds up, it was the moment that she was like... I watched her go...

It wasn't her body. You think she got the part? She did. She booked it. Maybe, maybe. It was a Petco commercial. People don't realize how demeaning those things are. It's like. Yeah. The worst is when you go to like a cattle call commercial. I did thousands of them. Yeah. Where you sign up and it's like one line like, he did it. Yeah. Let's say that's the line. Where are they going? Yeah, where are they going? Right, that's the line. And you're sitting there and just, you have to wait an hour. At least. And then you see douchebags. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Just standing up and just going, where are they going? Where are they going? Yeah, yeah. Where are they going? Yeah, yeah. And you're like, we're going nowhere. Yeah.

That's what I would say. Nowhere. This is where we're at. Yeah, this is it. The bottom. We're at the bottom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they would take it so seriously. Oh my God, they pace around. They wouldn't make me nervous. They would make me anxious because people would pace. I hate it when people pace in auditions. It makes me so- It makes me so crazy. I hate it when- You know what I hate worse? Is when you're memorized, you're focused-

And then six comics you know walk in. I fucking hate that. It's the worst. And they just slap you. Hey, Lee. Hey, what's up, man? And then you're out. You're done. But I have the key to it. And this is the mentality. If you're a commercial actor, this is the mentality that you need. You have to do two things. You have to pretend that you're kind of grateful to be there.

But the second thing, right, is that this is underneath me and I'm doing you a favor.

It's a duality. It's a duality of those two things. So it's like when you slate, it's like – what slating is is that during commercial auditions they go, all right, say your name. And you go, I'm Bobby Lee. I'm 5'4". Profiles. And you do your profiles. Stand to the side. Stand to the other side. So I do it like – this is what I do. This is so gross. But I go – say do your profile. Okay. Okay, go ahead and slate. What? Go ahead and slate. Okay.

What is it? Oh, say your name and then you're hiding the camera. Hey, I'm Bobby. You know, I make it seem like you goof around, right? And then I always try to make a joke. Like, I only do one profile because the other ones, you know, it's flat anyway. I'll make a joke. My face is flat anyway. Look at me. I'm the cast renderer. Yeah.

Yeah. All right, Bobby. So could you just read the line? The line, of course, is right there. And it just says, this tastes exactly like apple juice that my grandmother used to make. Go ahead. Can I improvise? We'd rather you not. This is Mott's. And it's family. Remember, this is family. So that tastes like the apple juice my grandmother used to make. This is the... Well, Bobby, let us count you in one second. I don't want to... I'm getting panicked. Okay. I feel nervous right now. I don't know the line. And go ahead. Yeah, this is just like the cranberry juice my apple used to make. Okay.

You got the part. That's exactly how I would probably do it. Yeah, you'd fuck it up on purpose. I would fuck it up on purpose and then leave and then I would get a callback and then that's when it can backfire. Yeah, it backfires all the fucking time. Yeah, but sometimes in callback because that's when –

The ad agency, the director, the producers, they're all there. And there's maybe four guys, right? Maybe they call back four or six guys. And you know that if you book this back then, you're going to make anywhere between 15 to 60 grand. Yeah, back then there was really good money in commercials. I don't know what it is now. Yeah, yeah, because I haven't done it in years. But like I did one commercial that paid me –

$350,000. Get the fuck out of here. It was a Joe Pitka. What commercial was it? It was a campaign for IBM where I was in an astronaut suit with my friend Eric Kirchberger from New York. $350,000? Yeah, because we had to fly to Tokyo, Australia. Oh, you got to fly to Tokyo? They made us. Oh, you didn't want to go to Japan? France. We did it all over the world.

And that was a bummer for you? You sounded like that? That sounds fucking incredible. It was incredible. Holy shit, Bobby. And it was in 1998. I had no money. I was living with 11 people. Look at this. This is going to piss me off so much. What? Have you blown all that money? You've blown all that money. They're gone. Look at this. Yeah. Money then and now. This always makes me mad. The inflation calculator. Look at this. Yeah. $350,000 is what you made in what? 1998? Yeah. I use this all the time.

1998, 350 grand. That's a half a million dollars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fuck for a commercial. Yeah. Holy fuck. The best one. You don't make that now on TV shows or movies. Why? Last two years. On a movie. Two years ago. On a movie. You've never made a half a million on a movie. I'm going to say something right now out loud. Do it. Jordan Peele. You know him? No. I don't know Jordan fucking Peele. So he calls me.

And he goes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, because you're me? Hey, dude. Jordan. Hey, what's up? Hey, you know, Chelsea and I are getting married. Yeah, yeah, of course, of course. That's not me. That's you. It is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. And then he goes, and he goes, um.

Anyway, I'm doing commercials, a commercial for booking.com. Okay, okay, okay. And we want you in the commercial. Oh, cool. Yeah, and he goes, how much do you want? A million. No, why would you say that? No one would say that. I would say a fucking million. Jordan fucking Peel. Jordan Peel. It's one day of work. A million dollars is crazy. Give me a million fucking dollars, Jordan Peel. You have all the money. You could do it. Give me the money. That's not what it...

That's not what he said. All right, you said what? I didn't say that. What did you say? Give me half a million. No, I go, whatever you want. I would have done it for five grand. No, you wouldn't have. For Jordan, I would have. Five grand for a fucking big, a huge national commercial? Stop. Anyway, it was me, Jane Lynch. Love. Jordan, Chelsea Peretti, and Eddie Pepitone, and Keegan Keys. Love. So six. How fun. Fun, right? Yeah. I go, I don't know. And he goes-

It's just a day of work. I don't know. I honestly – because I hadn't seen him in a while, and I love him. So I go, whatever. He goes, I'll just give you – I go, okay. For a day of work. And I hung up the phone. And it wasn't because of the money. I literally just started crying because you know in this business, when your friends make it, they don't hook you up. 99% of them don't. They don't. Yeah. But there are people like him that do. Yeah. He –

And I can tell that he looks at me and he goes, I think still today he looks at me and goes, why aren't you bigger? What do you mean? How big do you want to be? What do you want to be? You're great. What do you want to be? I tell you this all the time. What are you looking for? Look at you.

You went to Hawaii. You took your mother and your brother to Hawaii to celebrate. You broke her heart about BTS, but then you shot Magnum P.I., and you get to fly around the world telling jokes, and then you come back here, and you smoke your cigarettes, and you wear your stupid fucking beanie on your huge fucking head, and you live the life of a king. You come in here. You get to tell jokes. But you know this is in human nature. Yeah. Life is good for you. And I'm grateful. What do you want to be? What do you want to be?

I want to be Jung Bang Bong. Give me the gun. Yeah, yeah. No. Bong Joon-ho. But here's what happened. So back then, George was around, right? When you got... Yeah. All right. So, but this is the thing. But at the same time, there was a lady, a black lady. Okay. I'll tell you why that that's important. What? Supposedly. I said... She was supposedly black? Just listen to the fucking story. Yeah. She was supposedly black. Assumably. Assumably black. Yeah.

And we were getting emails before that saying – money extortion. I was getting emails going, you said something on your podcast, and I will alert it to the world if you don't send me 15 grand. Right? That happened, right? George, you can back me up. Holy shit. So we would email back, no. Fuck you. Fuck you. Yeah, fuck you. She's like, I have connections to Vanity Fair. I don't know, just all these fucking places.

And it's like, I said it on my podcast. It's out there. What? Yeah. What did you say? I just said that black people are oily. Why?

You just were out of nowhere? Yeah, because we did a series of podcasts making fun of races, right? Yeah. So we did – we had Asa Kiran. We did two episodes, one or two full episodes about Asians, just ripping them apart. Yeah, that's part of what we do. Yeah. And we did one with Mexicans ripping them apart, and we did one on blacks. Yeah. And the only bad thing I said, which in retrospect was bad – These black people are oily, you said. Yeah, they're kind of oily. Right, you said that.

Out loud, yeah. And she goes, I'm going to what? Put this on Twitter? No, I'm going to fuck you with this if you don't give me 15 grand. Did you publish those? You should have published those emails. No, I called CAA and I just warned them about it. So now I'm sitting there shooting this commercial. And I remember it because I'm laying there with Jane Lynch because we have a makeout scene in this commercial. And two executives walk up to me and they go, can we talk to you?

And I go, what? What? In the Jordan Peele commercial. Yeah. Yeah. I go, what happened? We take you out, talk to you outside? Yeah. I go outside with them and already it's weird. Like there's something going on. And they go, did you call black people? Did you call black people oily? And I go, no. Bobby. No, I said that. Why did you say no? Because in my head, I'm like my career, this, this, I'm going to lose this. For saying black people are oily. Yeah. It's stupid, but you're not going to lose your fucking career.

But maybe this commercial. I don't know. Why were they bringing me out there? All that stuff. It's a lot of money, dude. It's like at the time, Tiger Bell had just started. So what happened? So basically they go, we know you said it. And I go, I did. I did. I'm so sorry. And they go, no, we already knew you said. We vetted you. Yeah, they didn't care. Yeah, we don't care, but we're just letting you know this lady came to us.

You know what I mean? And was like. And saying, she told us, she's making a stink about it. How did she know about the comic? I have no idea. That's fucking crazy. Yeah. So I have a feeling, I think I know what male comic it was. Go ahead. I can't say it. Why? Because he called me, because I started a war with him. Okay. And he called me one day and crying almost saying, just listen, I just, I won't.

talk about you anymore and let's just we're not friends you know but just you know stop talking about me I have a family now because you verbally fucked him up so much yeah you kept talking enough shit where finally he was like yeah it crushed him and so I want to know who the fuck that is I'll tell you off stage okay and so because he called and he was like very adamant about it

that not to talk about him anymore. 'Cause I would have, if he hadn't made that call, I would have been talking shit right now. - But you said this, so how did, what is the connection between this person and the assumable black woman? - I think it's him. - Oh, they're one and the same. And this person is what, a white person? - A guy. - A white guy.

God, I want to know so fucking much. Yeah. But because it was in the same – but it could be my own delusional head making connections that aren't really real. Yeah. But that person just disappeared off the face of the planet, whoever this allegedly – They don't exist anymore. Well, this black lady – because I had called CAA and – How did you know it was a black lady? Because she said it in the email, right? Did she say that on the email? She said, I'm a black lady? I'm a black woman and I know – Hey, Bobby. I'm a black lady. That's how the email started? I don't know. We have the email still or no? I don't know.

I want to show it to the fans so bad. Hey, Bobby, I'm a black lady. Yeah. One day you said black people have oily skin. But you know what's strange about this new era of show business? Because back in the day, you could be Steve McQueen and treat somebody like shit or talk shit. Just the opposite, by the way. You know he was a really good guy. Well, that's a bad example then. Mort Sahl.

Okay. All right. Yeah. Whoever it might be, right? Yeah. Don Rickles. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever it might, whoever it might be. There's, you, you don't,

A regular person couldn't ruin one's career. One person couldn't ruin one person's career. Yeah. Right. It would take a mafia to take down. Nowadays – Now you can just start a movement online and it can destroy you. Totally. Yeah. Like you can be destroyed off of – like look at how it went to Ari. Just something can happen. I don't think that's a – I think that's a – No, he's going to be fine. It's just bad timing. It's just bad timing. He's going to be fine. He's a very talented guy and we love him. But –

It's just an interesting time, you know? Well, do you think- You get direct feedback right away. But here's the thing. Do you think that when we joke around on this podcast, which we do all the fucking time, do you really- The beauty is people know we're fucking kidding. And if they don't, that's not my problem. That's how I feel about it. Yeah. If you don't know that I'm kidding when I start joking with you, that's not my problem. That's your problem.

I'm not going to spoil a joke that I have now, but it's basically about that. It's like, who did it? I'm the bad guy or are you the bad person? Yeah. Because I didn't say it. I'm going to show you something that happened the other day in Hawaii that drove me into hysterics. I also want to connect. So I posted this photo. I posted this photo on Instagram. Oh, yeah. And I said, I bought these glasses. I'll bring it up here. And my girlfriend just called me Robert Downey Syndrome.

Yeah, I get it. That's what it – I mean it looks – Yeah, so that's the joke. This is the picture right here that Bobby posted right here. Right. So that's the joke, right? Yeah. And she had just told me that. And you said Robert Downey syndrome. She took the photo and she goes, you're Robert Downey syndrome, and I posted it. Okay. Right? Because I thought it made me laugh. Right after this, I laugh. Yeah. After this photo, right? I post it, and this lady goes, you know, I just think it's bad writing.

And a testament to your comedy ability. That you said that. To make fun of people. It's just not funny. And I go – and I just immediately texted back. I go, it's funny because the greatest comedians on planet Earth just liked it. Yeah. Right? I don't know who you are because you have 200 followers.

And also, I've been doing this as a living for 25 years. Yeah, I think I know what I'm doing. I think I know what I'm doing. I think I've got to figure it out. Jordan Peele gave me $1,000, bitch. It's not just that. It's just that, you know, I hate it when strangers— Why do you pay attention to it then?

Because it was just – because number one, it is funny. Yeah, it is very funny. That's hands down funny. Yeah. Right? I don't give a fuck. If you don't think it's funny, you don't know anything about comedy. Yeah, it's funny. So that's number one. And number two, it's like – and then I looked at her shit. She has an autistic son. Oh, great. Right? So it's like – She wants to be – she wants social justice. That's what it is. She wants to be the social justice. She's angry about the situation she's in and she's now –

you know, fighting for the voiceless. Look, sometimes I get it why people do that, but also you're following a comedian online. What do you think? You think they're going to say everything they like? But what I love about my fans is that, so I post that, comment on that, offer her comment, and then you just get 30, 40 people just going, bitch! Yeah, no, see, that's bad. And she just deletes it. Yeah. Yeah. Now you made her feel bad. I'm the fucking shit that did that in the fucking first place!

She started a war that she can't win. You're right. I want to call someone. I'm going to call someone to find out if what you said, if this person thinks that the black people are oily comment is racist or not. Who is it? Ian? No, hold on. It's got to be somebody. Oh, my God. It's someone you know. Yo. Hey, Griff. What up? Hey, Griff. It's Bobby. It's Santino. What up? Hey, how funny. How funny. We call a black guy and there's a fucking cop in the background. Of course. What?

Griff. Oh, my God. This better not be your bullshit podcast right now. It's not. I'm saying it right now. We're not. It's not. We're having lunch at Sophie's. Hey, we have a question for you. Yeah. Bobby said on a podcast, black people have oily skin, and we want to know if you think that's racist or not.

That's just odd. I don't think it's racist. Just odd. There we go. Yeah. If he said it was like chicken oil, then it'd be racist. Right. Right. If he just said they have oily skin, that's just a weird observation.

it is a weird observation, but you know, but you know what? It's actually, it's sort of accurate because black don't crack. It's because it's oil. Right. That's what I meant. That's what I meant. And also secondly, it's like, you know, I'm going to call Ian right now. I'm going to see if he's, uh, he agrees with me or not. All right, Griff, I love you. We love you, Griffin. We love you so fucking much. You know that, right? Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Oh, here we go. You fucking little bitch. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Grow up, you fat fuck. Everyone listen to Eric Griffin's podcast. Yeah, Riffin' with Griffin. Riffin' with Griffin. It's the fucking shit. I knew this was your fucking mother fucker, man. Hey, hey, hey. Griff, Griff, Griff, Griff. Can I tell you something? Okay, great. Great. Wait, I'll call him from here. What's that? That way they can hear it through the headphones. Oh, really? I can do it. Ian Edwards. Yeah, I'm going to call Ian.

Will it come up as your number, though? Yeah, why? Okay, good. Griff is going to be so mad that we just did that. I love it. He's going to be fucking pissed. Yeah. So you want to call Ian? What do you want to ask Ian? If it's a racist or not. Okay. We are? By the way, I'm going to tell you something. I know he's going to say yes. No, he's not. Yes, he is. He's my boy, dude. It doesn't matter. You don't know boys when boys are boys. Hello? What's up, y'all? It's Ian. Leave a message. Let's leave a message. Ian! Ian!

What's up, brah? Yeah, yeah. Ian, it's Santino and Bobby Lee. We're recording our podcast, and Bobby said something questionably racist saying that black people have oily skin. We want to know if you think that's bad or not. Bobby's feeling bad about it again. I want to see if he'll pick up my phone. Okay. This will be embarrassing. Yeah, yeah.

What's up, y'all? It's Ian. That made me feel good. Oh, damn. That honestly made me feel good. Yeah. If he would have picked up, though, it would have been so joyous. Who's the most famous person on your phone that you could call right now? I have some. Who do you have? Who do you have? Who do you have? I have a number of somebody, but I know they won't pick up the phone. But I'll show you. Okay. Look at this one. Which one? That's huge. That's huge. That's huge. But I know she won't pick up the phone. I don't have. I don't have. I have. See this one? Hmm. Hmm.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty big. But you won't call. I will not call. I will not call. It's so funny because I'd be so scared because then I'd be like, I don't know what I would say. Yeah, yeah. I'm afraid that that's... It's funny that, yeah, there are... But I have to do codes. They have some in there. You put on people under different names? Yeah, I'll put NatronX.

Why? Because I'll just think to myself that this huge celebrity, that's the thing. Natron X. Yeah, and then years later I'll forget who Natron X is. Do you have a girl in your phone that's still in your phone from before Kalilah and then she's still in your phone but you've changed her name? Do you have girls in your phone before Kalilah? I do. From Xs. And you keep them in there? Yeah. Does Kalilah give a shit? No. She wouldn't care at all? No, because I don't call them. What if they called you? They do. One of them called me the other day like crying. About what?

About how her career is not going well. Did you do anything to help her? No, I gave her like affirmations. You reinforced her? No, I'll just go, this is what you need to do kind of stuff. Can you say who it is? No. Can I guess? No, you'll never guess and I don't want to get into that. I'm going to guess. She'll probably listen to this and she'll be very sad. I'm going to guess. Who? I'm going to guess. Go ahead. Kathy Griffin. No, these are women I dated. Okay. I never dated Kathy Griffin. Not what I heard.

I went to her house once. I never fucked her. No, I went to her Christmas party once. No, no, no, no, no. She unwrapped a little gift, didn't she? She unwrapped a little South Korean gift. She has an angry pussy. You know that. Yeah, she does. What are we doing on time? We're good on time. Where are we at? Well, we're an hour. At least... For everyone listening at home in all this dead space, we're watching George try to do math.

What? No, I started it 17 minutes beforehand just to get all the gun stuff. Yeah, some of that stuff we're going to have to cut out. Also, Bobby waving a gun at me. I can't fucking believe it. No, don't, don't, don't, Bobby, don't. Don't shoot it. Fucking expensive shit in here. Can I shoot the screen? The TV? Yeah, let's just see what happens. It could ricochet. Close your eyes, turn around. Are you going to do it? Yeah.

But that's my TV. How much is it? I don't know. It doesn't matter. It's a fucking TV. Then we gotta go get a new one. Alright. I kinda want you to do it now. I won't do it. But if you do, I'm cool with it. We just have to go get one then. I'll go buy one now. I know. I'll do the best way to get a better one. Here's my only fear. What? I don't care about the TV. It's a piece of shit TV. But the cameras. What if it hits one of the cameras? The odds. The odds. If I look at... It bounces. The ball's gonna bounce everywhere.

The odds of it. Shoot your hat again. Yeah, it's going to ricochet right at him. I'm going to aim it here. If I aim it like this, it'll hit George in the face. And I'm not going to do it. Thank you. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Really? I'm going to do it. You don't have the balls. I don't have the balls to shoot my own TV? Yeah, you're a pussy. Oh my god, dude. I'm so scared. You're a pussy.

You're weak, right? That's what it is. If you shoot me, I honestly, I don't need to do this podcast. Me neither. If they shoot me, we're dead. This is it. This is it. The last one we do. You're right. Okay. Then take out your penis. Let me shoot your penis. No. I would never shoot you. Hold out your hat though. Can I shoot your hat on camera? No, no, no. Shoot the screen or nothing. I don't want to shoot the fucking TV. Then we're going to have to get a new TV. You're weak. That's it. Be a man. Bobby. In life, this is for showbiz. This is for entertainment purposes.

It's gonna ricochet and bounce off and hurt. I'm gonna turn around. Watch your eyes! I'm gonna close my computer. Alright, ready? Yeah. 3, 2, no signal. 1. Oh, right in the middle! Holy shit, you did break it. And it says no signal. By the way, it ricocheted and hit me right on the shoulder. No, really? Yeah, I swear to God, it didn't hurt. Oh my God, it did hurt. It did break it. Oh, I'm so sorry. That's alright. Alright.

Why did you do it? You fucking said to. I was kidding. Why would you do that? It was kind of fun. It was fun, huh? Something invigorating about that. Yeah, yeah. Okay, anyway, thanks for listening. No, no, no, we have to close the regular way. Come on, look at the camera. Sit down. Oh, yeah. Look at the camera, and we say thank you for being a bad friend on three. In the main camera. Ready? One, two, three. Thank you for being a bad friend.

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