catholic guilt & dating as a feminist ft. Rachel Galvo 46:38

This is what's in my bag. First of all, half a croissant because I probably had some guilt halfway through, but I was hungry. I've got my dad's Sony headphones, which he hasn't discovered that I've taken them yet, but they're nice because if you're anyway kind of neurodivergent, they really block out any sound. These pills for when I have panic attacks.

This notepad and colored pens because I'm really good at making lists. That's my way of procrastinating. I'll spend like 12 hours making a list and not doing anything. Oh my God, this is actually controversial. This is my nine to five laptop and they've actually blocked it but all of my scripts for my shows are on it.

So I've had to tell them. And I mean, it's like, you know, there's scenes about anal and stuff in there. So I need to, I need them to unlock that. So it's coming everywhere with me until that day. That's what's in my bag. I honestly believe that nothing can make you happy, but it's all to do with the state of you and like your mental health and your brain is what I've realized. Because wherever I go, my brain's coming. Do you know what I mean? You can't run away from that.

Yeah, 100%. And I feel that all the time. If I'm sat in on a Friday night in London, I'm like, why have I even bothered to pay this rent when I could be living at home and saving? Like, it's so expensive. I'm not like, there's no such thing as saving here. But even when I'm, when I go, and then it's even kind of,

that is doubled when I go back to Dublin, like at Christmas time or something. It's like, she's back for one night and one night only. Do you know what I mean? It's Stephen's day. Let's all go out. And I'm like, I don't want to go out. Like, I really don't want to go out and see all the boys I was 16 with. Like, I really couldn't think of anything worse. But then you kind of feel like, what did you do when you went back to Dublin? I'd love to know the Catholic school. Okay. What was it? Were you ashamed of yourself? Is that like a thing? You were just ashamed of yourself constantly going to school or?

Oh my God, I'm going to cry. No, I mean, that's what my whole show is about. My whole show is like this fight between wanting to be like the cool girl and having all the sexual experiences. And then like obviously body image comes into it. And then the other side of like extreme Catholic guilt and wanting to be like the Virgin Mary, like the Madonna whore complex. Yeah, of course. Like a complete dichotomy and like,

Yeah, I was ashamed. I think less, it's less so the religion thing. The religion thing is, it terrified me as well because even when I question my religion nowadays, like I have no idea what religion I am. I just know that I'm terrified of hell. Even when I'm, even when I, yeah, yeah. Even when I don't believe in God, I'm still like, I hope he didn't hear me say that. It doesn't make any sense because it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense because, well, since I was three, it's like God's always washing.

God's listening. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Santa. Like, God is exactly like Santa, but he's going to smack you across the arse. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Catholics are going to come after me. But, and then I think when I talk about having a difficult time in Catholic school, I think honestly it was less so to do with the religion and more so with the kind of... Pure morale? Upper crust, kind of posh, old money vibes. Yeah.

very traditional values, very like you're either academically achieving something or like amazing on the sports team. I mean, theater, it's like get a proper job, like you're not going to go and study theater or be a performer. And also, also, I think there was a way to be as a woman, like the perfect woman in society. Classy. Very classy. You don't sweat. You don't fart. You don't burp. You're not human. You don't poop. You don't you don't have opinions.

And you don't have a cackle, you giggle, all this kind of stuff, which I was just like the opposite of. Like I've always been that, like completely myself. And how did you fight against that then? How were you? I didn't. It's so easy, I feel like, to just mold yourself in. And it's difficult. I've now as a 26 year old and I see my daughter growing up, it is so difficult to be yourself because there's so many different directions telling you,

Shut up. I know. Telling you you're too loud or you're too annoying. People literally dislike you for just being a little bit different. I know. Not even hugely different. It's not like you're going crazy, but like even the slightest bit alternative, especially in Ireland. I know. I think I really, really fought against it for years.

But then when I got like around 16, I realized that like not having any social life or any friends was really impacting my mental health. And like I tried to move school when I was in fourth year. I was just really, I was just in a bad, bad place. It was probably the worst time in my life in terms of my mental health. And I just decided that I was going to have to kind of

mold a little bit just to survive the last few years of school which isn't it's the least inspiring thing like never ever do that but sometimes to survive and get through things it's just easier to kind of fit that mold and like I kind of found a semi group of friends and pretended I was into all the you know going out and guys stuff and I wasn't into my theater anymore which was a lie and I was embarrassed that I was like going off and doing cats the muse gun stuff didn't I

You're not getting rid of my parade. Yeah, literally, literally. Like people would be like, oh, so you're off to pop and lock. Do you know what I mean? Like, I know, I know it's funny, but I was like, this is humiliating. This is absolutely humiliating. Yeah, but it made you happy. It made me happy, but there was like consequences.

Yeah. So it was either you're going to be liked by the masses as in your friendship group or accepted, not even just liked, but just accepted into the group or you're going to enjoy yourself. But it's not like I didn't even really want to be accepted. Like I didn't look up to the people. Like I didn't. And where are those people now?

Where are they now? Sorry, they're not bad. Like, they're fine. Do you know what I mean? I'm just kind of like, I never was like, I want you to be my friend. I want you to invite me to your parties. I couldn't like, Jesus Christ, sometimes I'd sit there. You didn't want to be excluded. I didn't want to be excluded. It's so fucking lonely. Yeah, it is lonely. It's so fucking lonely. But sometimes I think when, like sometimes I think my brain is quite unique and then I'll always feel excluded in a way. Because,

Yeah. Because sometimes I'm like, no one, not like no one thinks the way I do, but do you ever feel like you're in a crowd and you like zoom out and you're like, am I a weirdo here? Well, I've just found that it's all just finding out what you like in terms of social interactions, I think, because I always had that mentality where there must be something wrong with me because I can't hang out with a group of people. I was like, there must, I must be the problem. I must be so insufferable or unlikable because I can't sit there and

you know chime in it's like I either go completely silent or have to go so obnoxious and loud because that's how I feel like this is what you're supposed to do wait am I speaking your brain right now I was having this exact conversation with my mum last weekend and she said the exact same thing sorry mum for airing out your dirty laundry but it was like I either feel like I can have a really deep one-on-one Drew Barrymore type conversation with someone or I'm like everyone get around I'm

it from SNL. And it's like, just be a normal fucking human, Rachel, and go for coffee with a group of people. I can't. I really struggle to do that because my brain is hyperactive. Like, what do these people think of me? Should I speak? Should I not speak? I don't think people would think that from me because they think I'm quite confident. I think a lot of people, though, feel that way, feel that feel exactly the same way. And they're just pretending. That's what my understanding of it is now.

As an adult. But I always will prefer just one-on-one because you can actually listen and not be worrying about other things because I like to be just focused on one person. Yeah. Not being distracted by other things or worrying if people like me because then you're not present with the other person that is with you. Do you have ADHD? I have ADHD, yeah. So do I. Yeah. But I'm medicated now. Are you? I am now, yeah. I wanted to medicate myself. I was going through a very difficult time when I was doing my 9-to-5 and writing my show and I wanted to...

steal some medication from a friend and I looked it up apparently with my anti-anxiety medication on this and you start to see things love wait that's a bit of fun no no I worry if that was me I'd never no I had my mom on the phone to me like please please don't take the pill and the anxiety called me now don't kill me

Psychotherapists are going to come. Coming to you, Rachel, at a Keelan psychotherapy session. The anxiety could be a symptom of your ADHD. So if you have ADHD medication, it will stop. Because I get depression from ADHD. So I need to... I can't go on antidepressants because the problem is my ADHD. Do you find that your depression is being alleviated slightly from the ADHD? Are you serious? Oh, yeah, absolutely. 100%. Yeah. Like literally everything is just... I was just... I took a... I was like, oh...

Shit. That is actually because I am a complainer. There's something wrong with me. I'm complaining. I'm complaining, but I won't do anything about it. It's just like, wait, someone help me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I thought I'm an adult. I need to suck it up. I need to do it because I wanted natural. I thought if I go for enough walks, if I do enough journaling, it will go away. Yeah. Sometimes the brain chemistry is just not chemistry. I know that's what I doing. I used to God. I used to have a go at my family when I was younger because I knew something wasn't right. Yeah.

And it's like, it's because you haven't been out for a walk. It's because you haven't had a meal. And it's like, I physically cannot get up. I will say sometimes the walk is a sort of head. Sorry, 100%. Love. I saw a thing where it was like, no, this was literally a Pinterest infographic. Like it wasn't even a real study. I was just going and taking this for Bible. It was, if you walk half an hour, your negative self-talk goes away. If you walk for 45 minutes, your suicidal thoughts go away.

if you walk for an hour you'll get like some sort of epiphany so then I made it my mission I was like I need to walk for an hour that's incredible if you're having suicidal thoughts walk for 45 minutes this is actually brilliant yeah I didn't need therapy then

Oh my God. I need to get onto my, my psychiatrist after this. I also think now that I've, I don't have structure, like I'm self managing myself like you have for years, but I'm really struggling with that. Oh, it's yeah. It can be a nightmare. Yeah. I could, I could not do anything until it's like 11 PM. And then my two housemates who work in like

really impressive jobs yeah corporate jobs will come home and be like what did you do today and then the shame and the embarrassment I'm like oh I've been working all day and then I'll stay up till 4am writing and doing my emails do you know what I mean so it's like it's not it's just not working someone told me once that creative people needed some time to do nothing and I was I ran with that okay yeah fair wait fair that's perfect yeah

Flaked. Yeah, for 12 hours. It was relaxing. Yeah. What did you do today? Nothing. I made a piece of toast. I made a TikTok. I got embarrassed. I deleted it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. But I just think it's interesting though when people have the means to be artists, they will if they get the opportunity. I know. Everyone usually do that self-governing sort of

in charge of themselves. I know, it's such a blessing. Creativity, that's what people would lean towards as you, like a dream. So it's fantastic that people are given the opportunity to now, especially in a female-dominant industry, like influencing, where you literally post an ad and your rent is paid for a month, do you know? I know. So it's fantastic that I can be a parent, I can be creative, and I can make a good income from basically...

Being myself. Yeah, no, it is incredible. It's a fabulous new thing. It's really, when did this whole influencing thing kind of start and take off? Zoella? Yes. Was that it? Yes. She was the blueprint. I really liked her. Yeah, I was in huge, I was more of a Tana Mongeau sort of person. Were you Tana Mongeau? Yeah. Have you seen a new boyfriend? Yeah, stunning. Oh my God, my dream man. Yeah. Oh my God, stunning. Sorry, speaking of men, can we just, will you tell us?

Tell you what's going on. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Rate men out of 10. Like one. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I love you, my dad. I love you, my brother. But I just, I... Wait, you like your dad? Sort of, yes. Throwing digs at my dad, everybody. Do you want to talk about it? No, I'm not going to talk about it, right? With dating, I have had such a weird... Now as well, my show is really inspired by this. My show is not autobiographical because I fear that people will think that and they're not. Oh, is it not? No, it's not. Oh, okay. Because...

For multiple reasons. Number one, seeing the whole baby reindeer Richard Gad thing has just unraveled and it's gone to shit and God bless him and all his projects have put on hold because his mental health. Okay. Number two, to protect myself. I don't want to be going up and reliving trauma on a stage every night. Number three, it is autobagging. No, I'm joking. But it's inspired. Sorry, just really, really touched your like. It is, of course, inspired by life events, but just to kind of

You need to make things more theatrical and I also need to protect myself. So it's a character. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. No, it is. It's really important that I'm not kind of rehashing all the trauma every night. But what about even on TikTok? I find you're really forthcoming and honest. Yes. On there. That is all true. Yeah.

But I know for myself as well, it's obviously never 100% of the story, even though people feel like you're being real honest. Yeah, you can't give 100% of the story though. Yeah. Because there are real humans that the story involves. Yeah. Who can come after you and who can, you know what I mean? Yeah. No, seriously. Yeah. Yeah. I'm very honest on TikTok, but if you think I'm honest on TikTok, Jesus. Yeah, you should come. I'll get you a ticket. Wait, you have those connections? To my show, yeah. This is nepotism. Yeah.

Don't tell anyone. I love the way I'm like telling my aunties and cousins like it's sold out. Yeah. Like, yeah, Keelam on grief, obviously come. Sorry, back to men. Oh, yeah, men. What's your opinion of them just in general? Oh, Jesus. No, I'm going to get cancelled. I had a relationship, my first ever relationship, and it fucked me up so much that I think I

in the back of my mind, even if I'm not aware and conscious of it, in every relationship I have now or even dates, my fight or flight kicks in and it's like, you are going to become so mentally unwell, run the other direction. Right, okay. And also, I have a complete disconnect between like romantic love and sexuality because I think when I like got to college, I became conventionally sort of more attractive and

And I had this newfound kind of attention and I completely over-sexualized myself, like completely over-sexualized myself. Okay. Because I was finally getting this attention that I just never had throughout school. The validation. The validation. And I still, I still think, unfortunately, I attach so much of my validation, like I get validation from male attention. And I don't, like that for me is completely detached from romantic love because I don't

I just don't see myself being romantically in love with a man in the future. Like I just... Really? I just... I just find such a... But maybe I've really met the wrong men. But like I'm a passionate fucking feminist. Like that's what I did my master's thesis on. And like humor for the feminist movement. And I just think... Like the minute a guy says something...

that I disagree with like I'll go in on him probably I mean I don't want people to think I'm a psychopath but do you know what I mean like like what about a woman would you just be with a woman instead I was having this conversation with my friend Ashton the other day yeah I would so love I think all of my amazing relationships have been with women yeah and I'm so what's that word like sapphic where you're like like obsessed with women I I romantically I'm in love with women

And I so wish that my sexuality leaned that way. Yeah. Like, I would love to have, like... I mean, they're like all my friendships. I just think sexually, it's not my thing. Okay. I would have room for that to develop. I would be open to it, but I just...

I don't know. Now, I don't know what your experience was in school, but I had a really good, I think maybe just my year in particular, because we had a good few out lesbians at the age of 14, 15, which was like big.

And then loads of girls then would come forward and be bi-curious and just like test it out. Whereas loads of people around Dublin and Ireland in general wouldn't have had that experience or the opportunity to explore that side of themselves, I suppose. Because you don't know, I suppose, until you try. And even still, you don't know. Like my sister only realized she was gay when she turned 23. Yeah.

Really? After being with men, being with women, like, yeah, the whole shebang. So it can be really difficult. But I think it's because we're so heavily influenced by mainstream media and just the community around us. There is so much representation for gay men, but you never see any non-sexualized representation for women. Yeah, we have lesbian porn. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves lesbian porn. Yeah, yeah. But we don't have any romantic... Like, where is our version of...

Call me by your name. For example. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

And she only came out as gay in her 30s or something. I think it's way more difficult now because we've all had this encouragement for men. And I think that's fantastic. Obviously, I want people to be themselves and be open in their sexuality. Everybody, regardless of who it is. But we haven't had the same movement for women. And maybe that's because we already expect women to be comfortable with who they are. Because there's the whole feminist movement. And yeah, any woman who is...

vehemently against the patriarchy is presumed to be already a lesbian because it's like, oh, you're an angry lesbian. Whereas in actuality, a lot of women don't feel comfortable enough to know if they're attracted to women or not because it's been shoved in our throats that we should be

yearning for a nuclear family with a man and have children absolutely really really interesting point and I absolutely understand like in my school there was no one out as far as I'm aware and it was definitely like looked down upon to be a lesbian I think

But I like, you know, around the time 14, 15, you start to question. I've always had a very open relationship with my mom, my parents. And like the minute that came up, it was a conversation. And so I was very open in that sense. Like I'm questioning this and that and the other. And like, it's been, it's always been an open. And I always like, I've always said, I just, I hate to be put in boxes. I really, really hate to be put in boxes. So I've always said like, oh, I'm, you know,

When I'm older and I'm married and to a man or a woman, I say, even though like I don't ever picture myself with a woman at the moment. Yeah. But I would just say that's because I never would want my parents or like anyone to like put me in a box. Yeah. Like I find myself quite fluid. Like I don't really give a shit, but also...

I don't feel horny for a woman. You don't want to rip her clothes off. I don't. Yeah, yeah, okay. I don't. Yeah. But I don't really want to rip anyone's clothes off at the moment. Yeah, I haven't been getting that either. And I've been trying, you know, when you're trying to fancy people, you're going, oh, they're so hot. And then you're going, I actually don't care. But I think that's because after I had a baby, I was just...

Do you think that's to do with yourself? You get them a Donna Hoare complex after you have a kid because you can't be sexual. I was listening to your podcast on this. Yeah. Yeah. Because you're seeing yourself through your child's eyes. Yeah. You have to be innocent and perfect. Like when I stopped breastfeeding, I smoked about 10 cigarettes because I was like, I, I need something. Yeah.

Really? How do you feel now about that whole thing? I feel fine now. Now I feel like I can be myself. It's usually just trying to, because I was making up judgments of other people in my head. I don't see my boobs as sexualized anymore at all. Like I'll walk around topless no problem because I breastfed. So it's not like a thing for me anymore. That's why I'm so detached from my postpartum body. Cause it's just like, I'm not, I don't feel like a woman anymore. It's more of a vessel for new life. Sometimes I wish I had someone there to be like, I'm going to sort this out.

you know, like a ma or something. But that's not something you can go to your mom about. No. Well, in fairness now, I don't think I've ever held anything back from my mom, unfortunately. Yeah. I'm sure she probably wishes I have held some stuff back from her. But I will just go into such a state of panic that I'll just be like,

oh my God, I did this weird drug last night. I need help. Do you know what I mean? No, I don't do drugs. I've never done, but like, do you know what I mean? Like, or it's just like, oh, I, you know, yeah, this happened with a lover. Yeah. Help me. Which is actually, it's, it's amazing. Yeah. I mean, she, she really knows when to like take the kind of the mother thing and put it aside and, and act as like a friend. Yeah. That's great. Which is amazing. You need that though growing up. Cause if you feel like you have to keep things in, for example, getting thrush.

If you had a burning, itching sensation in your vagina, you obviously would feel like, I can't tell my parents this because they think I'm riding around or whatever. Yeah. Do you know for that? And it's just getting worse, perpetually worse. And I read these novels and there's always a protagonist that is keeping it a secret and I'm going, please tell someone. And it's always something to do with their health, you know, their general health and they can't tell their parents. I think there's something wrong with me. I've never kept like a secret from my parents. Like I would be like to my mom, I'm sending off an STD test now. She'd be like, oh, fingers crossed. Do you know what I mean? Like, and then I'll be like, yay!

it was negative I just I just can't keep things to myself because my brain goes at a thousand miles per hour that I will talk myself into a deep dark hole if I don't tell it to someone and my mom is that person do you get the fear even the sober fear about things you've talked about you know the oversharing I'm gonna have a complete panic after this yeah no same complete panic yeah that's what editing's for um I get the fear 24 7 yeah

No it's the worst People say Oh I had the fear From last night I'm like I get the fear From not even drinking I'm sober I have the fear From yesterday Same Over sharing Especially now Like being online It's the online thing yeah Isn't it Yeah Like imagine someone Being like Oh I met Rachel She's a cunt Do you know what I mean Where she's a horrible person Yeah

And then you like cancel culture. Oh, I'm so scared. No, but women literally get canceled for not taking a picture, not getting a selfie with someone. Like you can't win. You can't win. You can't win. So just be yourself. Just hashtag be yourself. Hashtag be real. Yeah. Is there anything you've learned now from being online? What's a bit, or what's something you would tell yourself before you started a piece of advice?

I think it's really funny to look back on even the videos I did this time last year, which is when I started. It's like, come with me to drama school for a day in the life. And it's like, no fucking one of these didn't do well because it's so obvious that you're trying to be something you're not. And people are so bored of that. Yeah. Like I saw this thing. I was in a bit of a writer's block. Sorry, I go on these tendons. Doesn't make any sense. But I was in a writer's block and I saw this thing and it was like, writers are always scared that everything has been said before now. Right.

But no one has told your story from your perspective. So every single person could be a writer if they wanted to. Do you know what I mean? What was the question? What's a piece of advice you tell yourself before you start it? So it's just to be yourself. It's just a complete... My videos are the stuff that people really love is when I literally, I'm in a bad moment or I'm doing something and I just take out the camera and I'm like...

sometimes summer can be shit because I remember growing up and not having any friends to hang out with yeah and then I turned it off and then that's what like I got the most messages about do you know what I mean so it would just be like don't bullshit others people are so smart they can see through that

Yeah, they can. I can literally look at videos of myself when I'm obviously shy or pretending to be someone else and I get cringe. I'm going, what am I doing? Yeah, it's like performing. Yeah, it is like performing, but you get kind of used to it after a while. It's easier to be yourself then. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what would you say now to your, to loser loner Rachel? Oh my God, I'm going to cry now. What would you say to her back then? You will be here, first of all. Yeah. Because I think there's, you know...

Keep going. Are you okay? I'm fine. Keep going. Yeah, you're going to be here, which is crazy. And you're going to be yourself. Yeah. And you're not going to have to hide that forever. And you're actually going to be happy. You're not going to be scared to wake up every day, which is like really... I don't think I ever would have believed that. Do you know what I mean? Wow. Yeah. And what about making friends then? When did you start? Like, do you remember when you made a friend for life? Yeah, I have a best friend, Kate. I have...

I think, I don't think I have a group because I've never been someone who can like mold into the group like we were saying earlier. But I do have kind of like these like soulmate best friends. So my two best friends, I've got Aisling and Kate. Kate,

Like our grandparents grew up on the same road and our parents grew up on the same road. And so and then we went to the same school and did the same course. So we kind of just grew up together and we kind of like we separated a bit in high school because we just went our different ways. And but we live together now.

And we just, I think because we literally grew up together, our personalities developed together. And so, you know, I think it's very difficult for people to be with us because sometimes we're just making noises and laughing and people are like, idiots, like, what the fuck are they laughing about? Yeah.

And then my best friend Aisling, the same, like our moms grew up on the same road. So it's very, like these people are just kind of just like, these are going to be your friends, you know, and you had to grow up with them. Yeah. And then I've just made, I've made great friends along the way in terms of people who,

I'm always very picky about who I hang out with. Like I am not someone who's like, let's all go for coffee. Let's all go for dinner. Because although I'm in, I'm really confused as to whether I'm an introvert or extrovert, because if I'm with the wrong group of people, I'm a complete, like my energy is drained. I need to go home. I can't always turn it on.

But I always say the type of people I know I want to be friends with is if I come away from meeting with them and I feel inspired rather than feeling shitty. Because there are some people that I was friends with in the past and you'd meet up with them and you just talk about shitting on people, bitching about people, complaining and boys. And you come away being like, okay, cool. So the world is shit. You know, that's just depressing. Then there are other people. I have this friend, Nikki. And every time we get together, I swear we come up with a new business idea. Yeah.

And it's like, run to the off-license and get a pen and paper. It's going to be a coffee shop and you can make bouquets of flowers. There's going to be a book club. Wait, I think everyone's had that business idea. Oh, Keelan. A coffee shop, flowers, and a record shop and a vintage shop. We think every time we're together, we're like, this is groundbreaking.

You're going to quit your job. I'm going to quit my job. We're going to put all 500 pounds we have together. Do you know what I mean? So they're the people I really make time for is the friends that I feel inspired by, you know? Yeah. That I feel excited about life by. And pumped up. Pumped up. Yeah. Yeah.

I forgot you're I didn't know you're a musical theater kid of course I was Billy Barry hello Northside though I'm a Northside baby so we were those my mom oh is she yeah people would never guess that about me surprise I'm really relatable wait you're so down to earth I know every time uh yeah also my first boyfriend was Northside oh was he yeah oh well no I've heard everyone who shits on me for never having crossed the river I used to cross the river every second day

To get the shag. I know I'm not interviewing you, but how has your relationship with sex changed since having a baby? It's still like healing. I couldn't have sex. I didn't have a sex drive for probably a year and three months. Exactly. Three months, five days and six hours. No, but it was obviously the hormones when you're breastfeeding. I was listening to your postpartum podcast. Yeah. As a mother to be. It dries you up. You're just not interested. But then...

Something then clicked, I remember, and I was just raring. But then after that, I went through a breakup and I was just like, I can't. I'm a single mom now, which is an additive layer of shame that I was supposed to be feeling. Or that I was supposed to, because I was not in a relationship, I wasn't protected by the fact that I was lovable by a man. Oh, yeah. You know, and I obviously have a huge attachment with sort of that. And maybe that's why I've been in so many relationships. Yeah.

It's because I like the security of knowing that I'm lovable by another person. Yeah. Because you feel like you can't love yourself? Because my parents don't love me. Okay. You know, no, they do. But no, I've healed my relationship with my parents now, but it's like, it's been so rocky growing up that it, I've always had this thing that,

I'm damaged or something. You think it's within you to be like, there's something in me that's not lovable. And I need to prove that to myself by being in romantic relationships. Yeah, exactly. To prove that you're worth something or valuable. And do you struggle with your identity and what you do now in your career? I'm never satiated in like, if I get an achievement, I'm, you know, I don't feel like, oh, this is it now. I'm succeeding. Yeah.

So I've never had that. Even I was watching you and I was so happy for you when you sold out your shows. I just wondered what that felt like. So. To be so proud of yourself and happy. It wasn't like. Really? Yeah. You. I'm just like, this is, you know, it's not, it's never good enough. Yeah. And you've stopped going to therapy, you said? No, I go to therapy. Good. Oh, jeez.

cut the cameras we're going to therapy right now uh no i'm fine i'm actually grand now do you know because i'm working i'm aware of this now but growing up i didn't know that that's what was wrong with me okay let's go back to interviewing you sorry i didn't intend for this to be to talk about myself but i think it's just no i think that that's i think that's what a podcast should be it's a conversation you know yeah your baby's so beautiful thank you so much oh my god will i show you more i'll show you more pictures please do um but she sorry what's your relationship with motherhood

Do you see yourself with kids? So really interesting because it's to do with the relationship thing. Yeah. I absolutely see myself with the kids, but I don't see myself with a partner ever because I just don't. I think what you have with your parents and being unlovable, I have with romantic relationships. Like I'm like, there's no way anyone could ever love me in a romantic sense. And so I've come to terms with the fact that I'm comfortable with that. That it's like, I will have kids I'll do by myself.

Because I just don't think I could ever rely on someone else. And you know what? I sometimes get...

hate comments literally going you're a single mom as if that's the insult like drum roll even though there's no reason for me to be financially dependent on a man I can legally own my own property I'm allowed to have a job I can vote yeah like that's a compliment it's incredible that's literally a huge compliment but I will say a lot of times it's easier so we could look at that in the future or might think it's weird but

That that to us is aspirational to just have kids without the perfect family. Yeah. With a partner. But it can be easier sometimes. Yeah. To have that set up. Yeah. And isn't it statistically women are the happiest when they're unmarried without children? Something like that? Well, this is what I'm saying. I think a huge part of my innocence was ripped out when I came to an age where...

Everyone's parents were getting divorced. Where cheating scandals were coming out. Like all of this. I think I was in such a bubble growing up. Yeah. That I didn't know about cheating. I didn't know about affairs. I didn't really know about divorce. Like not a lot of people were divorced at all. Sure it was only legal.

When my parents were getting divorced, you had to be separated for five years before you were legally allowed to get a divorce. Just to be sure. Yeah. And it's like divorce is legal, but you have to wait a long time. But then once my parents were getting divorced, it was like you only had to wait two years, I think. But even still. Because there was like one girl in our year whose parents were divorced and I remember being like, oh my God, it's so sad. But I never really... And then I don't know what happened, I guess. Honestly, in recent years, which is so embarrassing at 24, but I really like opened my eyes to like...

you know, what the world actually is. And maybe it was like also the help of Netflix shows and stuff where you're like, people are just, no relationship is perfect. I mean, I just, I just had this idea, like you said, of a nuclear family, family on a pedestal and like a husband and that's beyond end. I'm like, it just really used to, something really used to annoy me when I was younger, where it's like, what's your perfect husband like? And I'm like, I don't give a fuck. I want a house. I want to own my own restaurants. I don't, am I asexual?

no because you know I do get horny yeah then you're not asexual but I'm like I just you just haven't found the right found the right person yeah but I think I don't think I'm very tolerant like like like with friendships like I said to you like if someone doesn't stimulate me I'm like not hanging out with you is that because you're afraid of rejection because you don't want to be yourself and once they find out who you are or the real you that they you think they're going to reject you so you get the chance to do it first now have I hit the nail on the head there yeah

I have this thing. Before they get too close. My friends like actually get angry at me at night time because number one, I'll never tell you if I'm into someone just in the slightest chance that that gets spread around and gets back to the person because that's humiliating. Rachel Galvin likes me. That's humiliating. Imagine. Okay. Number two, if I'm talking to that person, I like them. I will say everything to let them know that I'm not into them.

I will literally be like, that guy's so hot. That's walking by there. Oh my God, I'm texting this guy at the moment. He's so hot. Oh, you're so cute. Short king. Like I'm such a fucking bitch. Just because if they ever, ever, ever knew that I was slightly into them, this thing happened to me. It's going to sound so dramatic, but I was at the school disco, my first ever school disco. And I didn't have a lot of friends and I was overweight and I wasn't really, I wasn't invited to the pre-party thing, but I invited myself kind of, it was just really weird. And then,

um someone tapped me on the shoulder and they were like will you kiss my friend and I was like oh my god really nervous but this is it and it was a joke yeah it was a joke and the person was like as a fat fucking pig and I know that was ages ago oh my god but I kind of feel like I don't know why I'm crying but I feel like that's always in my head now you know like I just feel like you think they're taking the piss out of you I think every single person's taking the piss out of me

Like even, even if you get a compliment. Oh yeah. I'm like, like I think they're actually taking the piss out of me. And I know that's so dramatic and it's actually even embarrassing that I'm crying, but like that just has not left me, you know? But that would scar you.

That's horrid. I can't think of anyone doing that to a child. Children are so cruel sometimes. I know. Like as a teenage boy, like, you know, I don't, I don't even remember who it was. It's probably balding now. God bless him. I can't say much. My hairlines are seeding. I'm like a lot speaking on that. My rosemary oil. But I think, so I've never flirted with a man, I don't think. You haven't put yourself forward. I've never ever put myself in a position where someone can reject me.

Because like I would die in hell. Your line of work as an actress performer, you have to be so. Not in a romantic sense. It's only romantic. So any other form of rejection you can handle. So like going for auditions. Well, I can and I can't. Auditions are hard. So I wrote my own show. So I wouldn't have to audition.

But I was rejected, but I have an amazing mom. Like, oh, Jesus. It's like I'm obsessed with her with this podcast. But she's always like, it's, you are talented. You got into drama school. You have these successes. They don't have the space for someone like you. I mean, she'll come up with a million and one reasons as to why I was rejected, which isn't like you're not. They're jealous of you. No, 100%. You are my daughter. Of course they're jealous. Do you know what I mean? That type of rejection I'm fine with. And yeah, I just love validation. I mean, even with the online stuff, you know,

I love, I think sometimes I'm a bad person because I'm addicted to people being like, I want to be friends with you. I love when I see those compliments. It's something that you wanted, I suppose, to hear as a teenager. But do you think there's a limit to that? Oh, 100%. Where you're going to hear it so much. And I'm like, you don't want to be friends with me. You're seeing something, so oversharing on this, but I think sometimes I find myself getting addicted to that and then sometimes I catch myself thinking,

over like making myself want to seem like this fucking amazing person online because I'm like people want to be friends but I have to like keep it up I have to keep it up and I'm not allowed to be a shitty person because now people these young girls like I got invited into my old school because the young girls like idolized me and I'm like oh shit if only they fucking knew what a shit person I am do you know what I mean yeah but you're not actually no one's a shit person no one is a shit person I know they just do bad things

things and I've done bad things and I find and I find it really hard to forgive myself yeah but it's so funny because I think I'm quite good with friends when they come and speak to me like in this kind of a context or you know when we're having coffee and I

I it breaks my heart when friends would speak to me this way and I would never harsh judgments of themselves. Yeah. I'm like, are you kidding me? People make mistakes. People have done shitty, shitty, shitty things. They come to me and I just hug them and I'm like, like, I will be here for you. Do you know what I mean? I love women for their rights and their wrongs. Yes, absolutely. We're human. Do you know what I mean? And I just don't give myself that same leeway. Interestingly. No, I don't think anyone does unless you're absolutely and you know,

Lala in Lala Land. I've met a few people that I know in my time. Oh yeah. Can do no wrong. Yeah, do no wrong. But they usually come around and then it's just overwhelming shame and regret. I know. Shame is an awful thing. It's fucking horrible. I think Irish people in particular are steeped in shame. My only hate comments, like hilariously enough, I've only ever received one hate comment on my body or on my looks or my personality. It's all been about...

Like you fucking posh bitch Like you're so out of touch With XYZ You D4 bitch Like all this kind of stuff And it's all And it's kind of stuff Or my accent Your accent is piercing Oh yeah No shit I know it is Do you know what I mean It's not something I can just switch tomorrow I remember I did this video Ah ha

No you didn't try to alter your accent Yeah baby I was at this hotel And it was right after I had done I had this electric picnic video That went viral And it was like Come with me To electric picnic Because I was drunk as well And I was like And all the comment section Was like This is painful D4 people need to be like Put down Like all this kind of stuff You know

And so I was on holidays a few days later and I was like, come with me to try breakfast. No, you weren't. Yeah, no, I was. Um, I was like these melon bars, like instead of balls, like, no, no, no. He didn't like really, really like, because I was so ashamed of my D4 heritage. Yeah.

And that's even more embarrassing. And I could have been cancelled for actually trying to be someone I'm not. But I get it. Punch up. You can punch up. Do you know what I mean? And you can be like you overprivileged little shit. And I understand it. I am an overprivileged little shit. That's what a lot of my comedy is based on. So I get it. I don't have anything to say. You're right. The haters are right. Do you know what I mean? That's why it hurts so much. Yeah, you are right. There's nothing I can do.

There's no way I can change it. But how do you then self-regulate from that? Because it can be difficult to... Medication. Oh yeah, sorry. Knock myself out. Awful. Please. So what are your... I'd love to know now. What are the plans for the future? Is that a scary question? Is it the cafe... No, it's so exciting. ...Floris hybrid? No, no, no, no. When I'm like 60. Yeah.

The plans. So we've got the show. Yeah. I've got the Edinburgh Fringe, which I'm really, really, really excited about. And I'm kind of, the dream would be that some sort of producer, TV producer happens to be in the crowd one night. Yeah.

Okay, it's showtime. I actually have some contacts I can send you. Really? Oh yeah. It would be my dream to write a TV show. I mean, well, to adapt this show for a TV show about kind of the Irish teenage girl experience and that kind of fight between Catholic guilt and religion and growing up in that traditional...

the traditional values and a Catholic school and then the whole like, but you have to be cool and do anal and have sex and like be over sexualized by the age of 15. I think that would be really cool. And then the moving to London and trying to be creative when everyone's working in like investment banking. Basically, I just want to write a TV show about my life because you know what I mean? That's really self-obsessed, but I would love to write something along those lines. Um, I also really want to start a band. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Wait, I can help with this too. Can you? I want to be serious about writing music. It's always been my dream. I remember at Altogether Now, I saw C-Matt perform and I was like, that needs to be me. That needs to be me. I used to get that, but I would go see Miley Cyrus when I was 12. And I was like, this is me. I was like, why am I up on the stage? And then I tried to get my dad to bring me to LA to audition for that thing. You know that...

Playing all Nickelodeon, Disney Channel kids. Like I wanted to be a child star. Okay. That was my whole dream. Anyway, it was crushed, but it was grand. Go on. Why? Because my parents were just like, no, we're not, you know, you're not going in to work as a 12 year old. And I was like, but that's what I want to do. Okay. Fair as a 12 year old. Like at 16, I was like, I'm just going to move to the States and do acting. And my mom was like, yes, girl. She was like, let's get those uni prospect things or whatever. Depositories. What are they?

I don't have English. But yeah, and then I was the one who was like, mum, let's be serious. I need a business degree because I was surrounded by that in school. Oh, so you got hashtag influenced by your, you got hashtag peer pressured. I got hashtag peer pressured. Okay, yeah. Because it was not very cool to be in a cat suit performing Cats the Musical. Okay. But that's so interesting because dependent on where you grow up, you will get influenced by the people around you. So I suppose because you were growing up in like a privileged area. I still get embarrassed.

to tell people that I'm self-employed playwright, actress, comedian. Because they're all like, what about, what's that thing that people do in Trinity, Beth's?

Yeah, so I studied global business. Yeah, yeah. You don't have to go down the traditional route anymore. And sometimes even a degree doesn't even get you that far, which is even scarier. It's like you need two years experience, a master's, whatever. Do you know what I mean? And you need fucking everything. And working for free. You have to work for free. That's what the sad reality is. I know. Do you know? So that's why it's fucking frustrating for people who want a specific field. And I felt that in the bubble I grew up in because...

every fucker under the sun even the ones that I love and my friends yeah had rich parents and successful parents who could help them now they're all very smart and have worked very hard and set her but I felt like I mean my dad makes soap for a living you know my dad has a soap factory that his grand that my granddad set up okay my dad is the least kind of networky person in the world he loves his friends and that's amazing you're like do you want to smell nice yeah he doesn't give a shit he's like wash your hands properly

Yeah. But he's not going to, he's never the type of person that's like, yeah, I'll talk to that friend for you if you want. So that really angered me because I was like, there's no point in me even working my ass off in this because other people are going to have the opportunities. I'm not, this is, you know, this is bullshitty because I have way more opportunities than most people. Yeah. But I just, it's just really funny comparing yourself to comparison is the thief of joy. Absolutely. No.

No. Comparison is the thief of joy. No. If anyone wants to start a band, my Instagram is Rachel Galvo. There's still some tickets left for Leicester Square. Okay. Also Glasgow, I mean, it's a really fun show. You should come. You're going to laugh. You're going to cry. How should we end this? What do you love about living in London compared to Ireland? If there's anything. I'm not giving a shit what people think.

The anonymity is really good, isn't it? The anonymity is amazing. I do not care. I think I'm completely myself creatively, even the way I dress. I mean, it's nothing groundbreaking, but sometimes I'll just go out in something that I'd be a little embarrassed to wear in Dublin. Yeah. And I'm like, no one even bats an eyelid. No, they don't give a shit. I could be walking around crying and no one would care. I could be dead on the ground. No one would give a shit. They'll step over me. They'll take my sunglasses and leave. Yeah. Which sometimes I think at the beginning, the anonymity was like,

If I was in Ireland, people would smile at me on the tube and stuff. Now I love it. Yeah. I just go about my life and I love it. And I don't think I ever would have started a TikTok had I still lived in Dublin. Yeah. Because I would have cared way too much what people think. Moving to London has allowed me to be fully myself. That's great. Yep. That's fantastic. Yep. And I'm super privileged to be able to have moved here. My parents paid for drama school. So I am a D4 little privileged bitch. And I agree with you haters. Yeah.