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Probably they were like some parts of their life they were happy with. They had a bunch of stuff they were still working on. They had a bunch of things that they needed to still heal from, from the past. And they also probably really wanted to find love. Yeah. And they felt like there was a bit of a hole in their life without finding love. That's normal. That's not, there's nothing, we pathologize this desire for connection like it means that you're not happy in whole. Yes. When actually it's the most human thing in the world to want to find love. Yeah.
Hi, everybody. Welcome to Sophia with an F. We are recording from WTF Media Studios. If you haven't yet, subscribe because every once in a while, I do get a hot man on the show and people need to see him. Although he is taken and his wife is in the room and is probably really pissed at me right now that I said that. You're not. You're average looking. That's what I meant to say. Thank you. Thank you. That's what every man wants to hear. Okay.
So, Matthew, thank you so much for coming. Give us an intro. Because I said dating expert earlier and you didn't like that. Well, I mean, a lot of people say that. I've been coaching people for 17 years of my life and...
I started as a sort of, that was the thing I got called the most was a dating coach. But these days, everything I do, it's taken a much kind of deeper turn in terms of the way I help people. The first book I wrote 10 years ago now was called Get the Guy, which is a very different book than the book I've written now, which is called Love Life.
And is all about how to raise your standards, find your person and live happily no matter what. So I talk about myself today as someone who coaches people in confidence and relational intelligence. So you've been coaching people for 17 years. How old are you?
36. Yeah, I started when I was 19. 19. Okay. And the first book was How to Get the Guy. Get the Guy. Yeah. Get the Guy. Oh, not just get him. I love that. And then it's so what would you say? Times have changed a bit. That title is not, I wouldn't call a book Get the Guy anymore. But and truthfully, this one's for everyone. I mean, I still have a huge, huge
audience of women who follow what I do and historically that's been the audience that I've catered to more. But now I mean we have tons of guys that follow, we have tons of LGBTQ community that follow. I mean it's just the advice is universal, it's for everyone. The thing I'm excited about with this book is it truly is for everyone. I mean Get the Guy I think is universal.
No? Got the guy? Unless you're a man trying to get a woman. Okay, but yes. But if we're just going to speak in heteronormative terms, girl wants guy. How do you get the guy? Like back then, what would you say versus now? Well, I think back then, a lot of what I was talking about was more
about what could you do to get out there and just create more opportunities. These days, I get people to focus more on what they're trying to get because so much of what people are trying to get is not bringing them happiness. You know, we...
chase people who are unavailable. We chase people who string us along. We chase people that, you know, don't actually want a relationship or are disrespectful or even abusive. And we keep chasing these things, thinking that we can change someone, thinking that one day this person is going to finally want the relationship or they're going to want the family that they say they never want, or they're going to be monogamous or whatever it may be.
And so much of this book is about the pain that we keep running into over and over and over again because we're not really deeply assessing what we're trying to get. We're just trying to get it. I guess what you really need to know is what you want, right? Beforehand. The way I put it is you have to know what your path is. And let's say an example is I know I want a meaningful relationship.
Or I know that what's a priority for me in the next five years is to start a family or in the next seven years. That's your path. And your path is really, really important to know and to be honest with yourself about because otherwise you go out into the dating world and you meet people and you've never been honest with yourself about what you want.
And then you meet someone who's hot and you meet someone who's sexy or you meet someone who's charismatic. Or someone who gives you attention. Yeah. Me. And it feels great. And you want more of that. And so you just, you, instead of being clear about does this person align with my path, you just go with your feelings. And that's a really dangerous way to operate because then anyone can manipulate you into any path that's not right for you.
I am a serial monogamist and I just jump from one relationship to the next, not even really thinking about it. Sometimes there's like overlap, but
And I've never—I've been kind of just on autopilot, right? Like, oh, this person's attractive to me. This person's being super persistent. They're giving me attention. This, this, and this. Like, I'll be your girlfriend. I'm the easiest person to date in the whole world. If you catch me at the right time, I'm your girlfriend. Right?
But how do you stop kind of operating on autopilot? I feel like you have to be single. I think, well, we have to get out of the loop. Yeah. Because if we're jumping from one person to another all the time, then we're in this constant loop of, you know, as you say, autopilot, just jumping from the same thing over and over again.
I think we have to actually detach so that our nervous system has a minute to calm down. Look, if you go on Instagram, Instagram doesn't care what you want. It just, or it does care what you want, but it only cares about keeping you on Instagram for as long as possible. And if you're not intentional about when you go on Instagram, about what you're going there for, you're going to end up on the Discover page. And before you know it, an hour has gone by of just mindlessly scrolling.
That's what dating is like if we haven't decided in advance who we want to give our time to, the kind of person we want to give our time to. And a bit like Instagram, Instagram plays on your dopamine, right? Yes. Well,
Our love lives are like that too. You know, dating apps play on our dopamine. The dating process plays on our dopamine. There's something about the novelty of jumping from one person to the next or just feeling the romance of things. And it feels good to just text another person, to just swipe and match with another person. But it's not, there's nothing intentional about it if we haven't predetermined what's important to us. But sometimes we almost have to detox ourselves
from those highs. Absolutely. To get to a place where we're calm and we're peaceful and we can actually go, what is it I'm actually looking for in my life? Because otherwise I will end up just frittering away my time with people that don't actually matter to me, that are not right to me and whose goals, like intentions for what they want in the future are not aligned with mine. Wow.
Right. I think there's the dopamine aspect and there's also the distraction aspect. I think for me, I kind of use it. I'll lose myself in work. I will always be in a relationship because there's
things within myself that I really need to work on. And I think that's also another reason why I'm always in the relationship, you know? Yeah, I did that. Because they take up a lot of time. I did that for a long time. I mean, I was someone who, when I was single, was not good at being on my own. And it took me a while to learn that. So like, you know, the idea of just getting through a weekend and
without picking up the phone and calling someone was really uncomfortable. And I remember booking a trip to Mexico and alone. And like the day before I realized how uncomfortable I was.
Because I know I've spent years and years traveling on my own. That's not an issue for me because I've had to do that for work for a long time. But you're like texting someone. Well, work's work, right? You're going there with a purpose. Yes. Whereas to just travel for fun on my own.
was like a really weird thing for me. And I thought if it feels this weird and I'm this resistant to it, I should probably do it. Yeah. Because there must be something here that's making me deeply uncomfortable. And I remember like the day before I left, I genuinely considered canceling the whole trip. I was like, why am I doing this? Why am I going? This is pointless. Yeah. And then I went because someone convinced me to still go. And then when I got there,
I remember getting out of the car. It was the evening in this hotel. It was on the beach and it was stunning and the stars were out and this lobby was this gorgeous outdoor lobby and I could hear the waves and I had this instinctive, like,
I remember having this almost reflexive reaction where I went to turn to the person to my right and say, isn't this amazing? And there was no one there. It was just me. And I had this real sadness of what am I doing here? It was like I realized in that moment how much of what I enjoyed was...
projected or I was able to feel it through the vehicle of someone else feeling it. Yeah. Like it was like I needed someone there to enjoy it for me so that I could then feel that I could enjoy it. The idea of me enjoying it on my own didn't make any sense. Yeah. And I thought about literally I was like, how do I get my money back on this hotel? How do I can I fly back tomorrow? Can I just stay one night? Yeah. You're also seeing like all these couples. Well, that too. That too.
And I remember just the next day, I was like, okay, I'm just going to stay one more day. I'll stay one more day. I'll see how I feel. Don't change your flight yet. And I realize how pathetic this sounds. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. It's just everyone's heart is different. And I remember on a psychological level, this felt hard for me, this idea of just enjoying something for myself. And I stayed one more day and I did that three days in a row. And by day three...
I woke up and I had my like little breakfast table that I went and sat at and I got the newspaper and I knew where I sat at the pool and I'm sitting there and I was like, not only am I having a good time, I'm enjoying my own company and I'm actually feeling more connected to myself. I actually feel like, oh, I actually, it was like I'd forgotten like, oh, I like me when I'm just with me. But so often I distracted myself from doing anything like that. And
I think until we can get comfortable in those ways, I don't think we have to, you know, people say things like, you have to be happy and whole on your own before you meet someone. I don't really buy that. Interesting. I think that's a...
It's like an Instagram slogan, right? But it's not real life. I mean, how many friends do you have who are married and they're doing great? Well, no one's happy in whole. But like, how many of them were like blissfully happy first? No. Probably they were like some parts of their life they were happy with. They had a bunch of stuff they were still working on. They had a bunch of things that they needed to still heal from from the past.
And they also probably really wanted to find love. Yeah. And they felt like there was a bit of a hole in their life without finding love. That's normal. There's nothing we pathologize this desire for connection like it means that you're not happy and whole. Yes. When actually it's the most human thing in the world to want to find love. So I try to help people remove the shame of that, that if you're sad on your own,
That's okay. Like that's, that's actually a normal feeling for a lot of people to lay in bed. If they've laid in bed too many nights in a row on their own, wanting to meet someone to then feel this pang of loneliness or this
longing to want to find love. That's a normal thing. There's nothing wrong with it. And it's okay to find that hard. And it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. And it's also okay to want to find love. We live in a world where that makes people feel ashamed for admitting that they want love.
Right. There's something sad about that, you know, when deep down we all know we want it. So it's like the worst kept secret in the world that we all deeply, deeply want to find love. But we have to all walk around pretending to be indifferent. Like, I don't care. Well, whatever. I mean, that was my brand for like five years was like, fuck men. They're all horrible. They're all dogs. I'm doing it on my own. And yeah.
Now, I'm realizing that I do want love, you know? Look, we can say that stuff to the world, but we know the truth. I didn't know the truth. I actually felt that. But there was a part of you that wasn't being expressed. Yeah.
You might have felt all men were dogs, but I'm guessing there was a part of you that still wanted connection. I mean, I was in a relationship while I was saying all this shit, so I guess you're absolutely correct. Okay. So here's my image of you as a single person for many years going, men are all dogs. Nope. In a relationship, but saying those things. Got it. How was that for them? I didn't really care. Okay.
You know, I was just like, you know, I grew up single mom, daddy issues, which I denied for a very long time. And I think I genuinely believed men are, you know, ain't shit. But it was also like a defense mechanism. Of course. You know what I mean? Of course.
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How did the guys feel about it? I definitely would tell them, you know, I hype it up. I have to be emphatic. I have to kind of dramatize it a little bit. And that would calm them down. Oh, you say like, I don't really mean this. Yeah. Got it. But I mean, did I mean it? Yeah, I think I did. But there was also, you know, you try to get that shock value, at least back then when I was 25, 26. Oh.
How has your view of that changed or shifted? I don't think that every single man on the planet is a bad man. I think there are good guys out there. I didn't even know men had feelings.
Until the last few years. That's quite, that's not uncommon. Really? Yeah. Well, that's crazy because I thought I was. No, I think it comes as a surprise to a decent number of women that men can be as sensitive as they are or that things hurt them.
the way that they do. I think there is a kind of, especially for women who feel like they've been either messed around or they've seen a lot of bad behavior, there is this sort of feeling of men, this wouldn't, it wouldn't hurt a guy to ghost a guy. It wouldn't hurt a guy to not text him back or to, you know, that's not, that's a, that's what happens to women when men do this stuff. But when you do it to men, they don't feel it. And that's...
Certainly not the case. It's not the case. Yeah. I know. I did a, I was on TV with Gayle King this morning and there was a producer over at CBS who said to me, a male producer who ran up to me after the segment and said, do you mind if I ask you a question, you know, away from the camera? He said, what do you do if you have a real crush on someone?
and they don't feel it back and there was such a sensitivity yeah in the way that he said it you know there was real there was real pain there yeah and it is no different to any woman I've ever spoken to it's exactly the same pain some I like someone they don't like me it really hurts it's
astonishing how we've kind of just as a society really believe like men don't feel that way. We're all human, you know, and I actually just had an experience yesterday with a new guy friend. I've also never had friends that were men ever. And
And it's a totally platonic relationship. It's been amazing. And he was asking me for all this advice with this girl. And that's kind of like when the light bulb went off again. Like he is asking me and, you know, speaking the exact same way my girlfriends would. And so, but it's been like a recent thing for me to realize that. Yeah, it's...
It's really funny. I have seen this on both sides. Like I see it with a lot of the commentary that I see men make about women. And I've spent the last, you know, nearly two decades of my life working with huge numbers of women. And I read these things that in less healthy forums, I would say,
To be polite, some of the things that are said about women and what women are like...
And I think to myself, you give me the impression of never having actually spent any time with women. Yeah, like an incel. Yeah, or even guys who, you know, another version of that is you've only ever spent time with a certain kind of woman. And that you think that that's all women. Like you think, like you keep saying, you know, women just want a guy with money. And I'm like,
I don't know how many women you know, but I got news for you. They don't all care. Okay, I have news for you. I have been the woman you're describing perpetrating that idea. I was on Fox News because I said, I make sure to check a guy's bank account info on the first date. Was I serious? Not really. It was more of a joke.
But I really was perpetrating this thing for so long. Now I'm doing a 180. But I can see why these men feel that way. Oh, I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's me. It's because of me. That's why. But like women also, I think they have started to act like I hate men. I don't trust them.
Because it goes back and forth. But it becomes a kind of, it becomes self-fulfilling. Because if you're the person that is that person who is, you know, who does care about that, you care about status or what a guy makes or those things and you deeply care about it or you proactively choose based on that, then you actually do end up in a world where it's really easy to hate men.
Because the kinds of men that you end up attracting are the people that think women can be bought. Well, I justified... Which aren't the best men by any stretch. I justified asking for the bank account info because men will end up cheating on you regardless. So make sure you're financially set up.
That is like how demented, but I have like, I'm light years now from there. Yeah. Like I've done a lot of work. But I don't say this in any kind of a derogatory way. I hear you and I, when I hear that, I go,
The really sad and unfortunate thing is like that for you came from pain. Yes. Right. That came from a deep well of pain and distrust and disillusionment and frankly, kind of giving up. Yes. Behind that thought is I give up on men because they are all liars and cheats. Yes. Yes.
And if they are all liars and cheats and the whole thing is broken and irreparable, then take what you can get. Yeah. So money matters to me because ultimately they're all going to screw me over anyway. So I might as well get something out of it. And that's obviously comes from a deep place for you. Deep. And a historic place for you. Yeah.
But the kinds, if the belief system is all men screw you over, then those are the men you meet. That's the tough part is you meet people who screw you over and it reinforces that belief system. But do you want to hear something interesting? We're getting, we're like really peeling off the layers of the onion here. I have only chosen men because
that will not do that to me
But I am never 100% in. Yeah, because you're in control in a way that makes you bored. Yes. And they, so it's, I'm not picking shitty men. I'm the shitty person in the relationship. Like that's how it manifested for me. Yeah. So that's hard to, when you're picking purely based on, I'm going to pick someone where I'm in the driver's seat every single time, then you're not really focused on whether there's a
a deep enough connection or whether there's the kind of attraction that will sustain you. You're just focused on, am I safe? Am I in the driver's seat? So that's the other way that goes. And that's what a lot of people do is they oscillate between excitement, exciting people who are unavailable, safe people who bore them. Oh, interesting. And they go between those two different kind of polarities.
And it's what leaves people really unhappy so much of the time. Your pattern, of course, was going for people who were really, really safe. Yes. Where you were in control. Where I could just do whatever the fuck I wanted. Constantly. But that doesn't allow you to be the version of you that you want to be, right? No, but I think I didn't, I don't even know that.
Who I truly am because I've always been in a relationship and distracting myself. And so I'm going to change that. And I need to spend time alone. You know, that's what I need. Do you agree? Solo. I need to go on the trip that you went on and experience that and be
heal, you know, those deep, deep rooted issues before I'm in a date. Not that I have to be happy and whole and 100% because that doesn't exist. But in my situation, I think I need to spend some time. There's a chapter in this book called Happy Enough, which is an important chapter, because it's not the intimidating version of you have to be happy and whole. It's you have to get to a point on your own
With your, or just with your life the way it is now where you can be happy enough that you can hold. Happy enough that you don't need to rush into something else. Happy enough that if the wrong person comes along, you can say no. Happy enough that if the right person comes along, you won't change for that person or in ways that you don't want to change just because you feel like you can't afford to lose them.
Because for you, really, what's the deep, what's the really deep fear? Like what, if you really felt something, like if you really felt something for someone, not I've found someone who's good enough for now and I feel like I'm in the driver's seat and I can do what I want. But if you really let your guard down and felt for someone, what's the fear? What is the fear? That's a great question. Because I don't, I have never allowed myself to,
to really fall in love with somebody. The fear, I feel like there's like 50 things. Abandonment, getting hurt. I feel like you know the answer. Do you know the answer?
Well, I would guess, I don't know you, but I would guess that for you, control is everything. And control is everything because then you really, there never have to be any stakes for you. You never really have to have any skin in the game, which it sounds like you haven't. Right. And you know what, what I think we're all afraid of is if I have no skin in the game,
I can rely on the fact that I never, I never actually care that much. If something happens, I never really cared anyway. Yes. But if, if I were to truly fall for someone, then like all hell break loose. Yeah. Because I can't,
I don't, maybe there's even a level of, for a lot of people, it's if I get, if I fall for someone, I won't trust myself to get out again, or I won't trust myself to be able to, to leave if it all goes horribly wrong or if someone betrays me. So I can never let my guard down to that extent because I can't trust myself if I do. And yeah,
And also if I let someone in that close, they could destroy me. Yes. The level of pain that someone could cause me if I truly let my guard down would be intolerable. Yes. And I, but I also, I think that, and then I think there is this numbness that I've created, not even towards men, to myself, to keep myself safe. Yeah.
So it's like there's like a block and I need to do ayahuasca and dive deep down and like really do that healing. Because, yes, it's it's not just about the guy. I think it's I really, really need to do some work.
For sure. But I don't even want, I want to stop talking about myself. But I think you're helping a lot of people right now. Are a lot of women like this? Yes. They are? I think everyone can relate to having been through an amount of pain that feels...
Like I just can't even open that door. Yeah. I think everyone can relate to that. Maybe it's one of their primal relationships in their life. You know, one of the original, whether it's a parent or a caregiver and a way that they were let down or a way that they were betrayed or a way that they didn't get what they needed. Whether it's an early relationship that killed the kind of romance of relationships for them because of the way they were treated. Yeah.
I think so many people can relate to having some version of that and never really having grieved for that version of them that experienced that loss, that experienced that pain, that experienced that betrayal or that abandonment. So many of us have gone through life just, we did what we needed to do to survive.
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Yeah, I'm nervous and we react in different ways, but our nervous system learns a way of surviving. And for some people that's to go and find someone, you know, people to adore them. For other people, it's to wall everyone off. For other people, it's like make myself go numb. It's got the freeze response, right? It's fight, flight, freeze, faint, fawn. And the freeze response is associated with that numbness. Mm-hmm.
And numbness is one way to solve the problem. Yeah. You know, so there's probably for you, there's probably some grieving to do. A lot. For that version of you that experienced whatever pain you felt you needed to numb yourself to in the first place. Without a doubt. I have never spent time with myself grieving. In fact, I grew up
And I think my mom was coming from the best place. But I think she wanted to make sure that I didn't have this daddy issue complex where she would tell me, you're fine. You're good. Like there's nothing wrong with, you know, without having a father like you have me. And wouldn't really let me acknowledge like, okay, well, maybe there are some things that
that affect me there. And then there's like the whole step-dot thing. But, you know. But enough about me. Let's do a little segue. Let's switch it up and get out of this little deep dark hole, which is great, which I love talking about. But I think most of my listeners are women and they're around my age. And I want to ask you,
What you think is the biggest problem with dating right now, because women, I feel, are constantly saying dating is like you're fucked, like you're fucked out there and they just have no hope.
Why are you laughing? Just a very apocalyptic way of putting it. I'm very dramatic the way I speak. Well, no, but it can feel like that. And that's the... I laugh because it's also... There's something darkly funny about how many shitty experiences there are of dating. There are. There are so many. And there is so much bad behavior. And there are so many people who aren't being intentional, who are also...
a lot of the time pretending to be and there's just so much nonsense. And the problem is, like I said, we want to find love. Most of us, we want to find love. I would say all of us do, apart from at times in our lives where mentally we're not healthy. Yes. And that doesn't mean we're not okay without love, but we want to find it. There's a desire to find connection.
But when it doesn't happen for a long time, we start to get scared and we think that it might never happen for us. That's a great point. And then when we get scared, that's often when the problems happen because when an internal culture of fear and anxiety that we're never going to find our person meets an external culture in dating of people taking whatever they can get while giving the minimum possible investment,
That creates a recipe for us lowering our standards, giving up on our expectations and settling for far less than we deserve or we're worth. And the great danger is that, you know, when we meet someone we like, instead of thinking, let me continue to assess whether this is right for me and let me measure this as time goes on, we...
start thinking, I'm so lucky that I found someone I'm attracted to who's also attracted to me. I'll do anything to keep this. And so we lower our standards at precisely the moment where we need to raise our standards. The amount of times my mom has told me, Sophia, there's just not a lot of good guys out there.
And dating from this, I love my mom, by the way, and I'm not talking shit on your best mom ever, but operating from this scarcity thing, like this scarcity complex, like, okay, there's two out of 300 dudes that are actually good. When you're operating from that place, you're going to
Okay, this guy is good looking and there's a little bit of chemistry husband. Done. That's how a lot of people behave. So how do we make sure to not do that? I believe we have to raise our standards. And that's a big part of what I talk about in this book. And I explain to people what that looks like and the things you can actually like. What does an example of speaking standards look like? I talk about that.
A lot of people, when they hear that, they think that this is like, you know, I keep getting told my standards are too high already and you're telling me to raise them. But the truth is we have high standards for things that don't matter. Like what? And we have no standards for the things that do. Okay. Like money, how tall someone is. That's a huge one for women. Yeah.
The tall thing. Not me. That's the one thing. That's the one thing that I'm not fucked up on. I don't care that much. But how tall someone is, money, how hot they are. How they style themselves, what their career is, their status. All of these things that really...
Whether they're exactly my type is another one. It's more subtle, but when someone's got in their head that I have a type and it's this, it leaves no room for possibility. It leaves no room for someone to come along who's not in that mold, but could make you the happiest anyone's ever made you. But we rule them out before we even get started. Meanwhile,
I come across people all the time who say they have really high standards, but then I ask them about their love life and they'll tell me about a guy they've been dating for the last two years on and off who treats them like crap, who never calls, who shows love for a weekend and then disappears for a month and then comes back again. And I'm like, so what you mean when you say you have high standards is that you have really high standards for charisma, right?
And you have absolutely no standards for kindness. You have absolutely no standards for consistency or for investment or for the way someone treats you. And all the standards are for show. Well, yes, that's a good point. So many of our standards...
When I believe we're chasing the wrong things in our love lives come from our ego. Yes. It's who we think is going to look good on Instagram. Yep. It's who we think is going to get comments from our friends saying, well, you did well there. Like he's hot. Like it's what we think is going to impress others, not who is actually going to make us happy. So what should we be looking for? I think the fundamentals of what makes someone a great partner.
Like what does make someone a great partner? It's loyalty. It's teamwork. It's kindness. It's someone who sees you. Like someone who really, really gets you. Yeah. And someone can't get you if they're not truly curious about you. You know, are they really asking you questions? Are they really trying to know you? Yeah. Are they really interested in who you are as a person? Like these things...
They matter. How does someone keep their promises? Can someone say sorry? Yeah. You know, can they take ownership? These things are immensely important. And a lot of people, they're not even thinking about these things. They're thinking about how much chemistry they felt with someone on a date. And, and, and, you know, that I had someone recently asked me, Matthew, what do you do when you have the most epic connection with someone on a date and they ghost you? And I said,
would, why is that person important to you? Because you had an epic connection. Like that's why that I know why that person's important to them. It's because they've thought I have an epic connection with this person. Therefore, this person's really important for me and my life. But that's a complete non sequitur. The reality is,
this person on a date who you think you have an amazing connection with, all you really saw of them was their impact on you. You're just measuring their impact, not how great they'd be for a relationship or for your future. You can't, in order to know if someone would be great for a relationship, you have to know their values and you have to know their character. And you need to know your own values. Well,
Well, that too, you have to know what's important to you, what values you admire in people. Most people have never done that. But the character is, character is the most important thing in my opinion. It's the most important thing in my friends. It's the most important thing in the people that are on my team, in my company. It's the most important thing for people I choose to spend time with. It's the most important thing for me and my wife in our marriage. We each chose the best human being we found. Yeah.
not the hottest human being we found. Like we started with attraction, but then we said, there's a deeper character here that we both love and admire. And that was never, it was never going to be looks that made us go, let's marry each other because neither of us are those kinds of people. There was attraction and chemistry is important. I'm not someone who says chemistry is not important. Chemistry is really important, but
So many people are only looking for chemistry. A lot of people. And they're not looking for those things that are actually going to make someone an incredible partner in their life. We all belong outside. We're drawn to nature, whether it's the recorded sounds of the ocean we doze off to or the succulents that adorn our homes. Nature makes all of our lives, well, better. Despite all this, we often go about our busy lives removed from it.
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And as everyone has, most people listening to this will have an example of someone they dated where they had chemistry or even what they call a connection. And that person was missing fundamental character traits. Yes. That made that relationship a version of hell. Right. They didn't feel safe. They didn't feel seen. They didn't feel loved. They didn't feel someone's presence. They didn't feel their loyalty. They didn't feel their honesty. Right.
And when one of those things was missing, if it's fundamental to your happiness, your peace, your safety, then even with a person that you thought you really wanted, you are utterly miserable. So what I deduce from that, and people can come to their own conclusions, is that if that's the case...
then a relationship with someone where you're missing one of those things, regardless of how attractive you find them, is worthless. Because a relationship that doesn't make you happy is by definition worthless. So I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't make me happy. And you can never be happy with someone who has fundamentally different values than you. What that means is the next time around when you go and date,
You date for values. Date for values. And even if it feels unsexy and a lot of people go into dating, like I'm just trying to have fun and whatever. Don't. Like if you're trying to find your person, go in there looking for the values. And find, by all means, don't, you know, if you feel not one jot of sexual chemistry with someone, that's a problem. Right. But you, it has to be that and.
It can't be that instead of. Yes, yes. Find someone that you have an attraction with. Don't over, don't over judge everyone when you're looking on an app. Like, no, I don't have any chemistry with that person. No, I don't. Because you don't even know.
I can feel it through the phone. You literally are. There are people in this life that come along that are different to what we imagined or that, you know, by the way, they animate in person that there's something there, but it's not in a picture. It's so often not in a picture. Most people can look back at their relationships and see at least one person, probably more in there that had they met that person, had they seen that person on an app, they would not have swiped on them. Yep.
They met them in real life and they were like, there's something here. I thought this guy was so ugly that I came across on a dating app. And then my mom said, you keep dating shitty dudes. I'm taking over.
Set up a date actually pretended to be me was texting this guy, which is kind of crazy He was like the best boyfriend I've ever had now I'm given everything I've come to know about you from the last hour of knowing you when you say he was so ugly What I hear is he was reasonably attractive. No, he's gorgeous No, he was actually gorgeous. I'm starting to sense some hyperbole and there's a lot of hyperbole I think it was the
You know, he was vegan, sober, likes to do yoga. And in that stage of my life, that was not. Disgusting. It was gross. Yeah. Who does that? Sicko.
I mean, disgusting, but my mom was right. Did you later tell him, I thought you were hideous when I first saw you, but I have come to develop quite a warmth towards you? Well, when I met him on the first date, I was like, you're very attractive.
And he was like, okay. So I think he knew that. You were surprised. Yes. Got it. For sure. For sure. Matthew, thank you so much. I feel like I've learned a lifetime of shit just right now. I want to talk to you for two more hours, but where can everyone get the book?
Where can they find you? The book is at lovelifebook.com. I mean, you can find it wherever books are sold, everybody, if you want a copy. But if you go to lovelifebook.com, you'll find the links to buy the book. But also right now, if you buy a book and you register your purchase on that site, I'm doing a live event called Find Your Person. And we're going to take all of the concepts from the book.
and actually bring them to life for your year ahead so that you can use the book to find your person. But the book is designed to be a co-pilot for anyone who is looking for love right now, but not just a co-pilot for anyone looking for love, a way out of the pain that you might have experienced from...
Lost Love, Betrayals in Love, Heartbreak, Love Not Going the Way You Want To. It really is a book that's designed for people at all stages of life and all stages of love. So yeah, if you'd like a copy, go to lovelifebook.com. I need to start my year off with the live event. Listening to everything you say, I truly...
think this book will help you. I agree. And I say that as someone who has been helped by this book. When I was single, I had a lot going on, a lot of distrust. I had a really hard time being vulnerable. I had a hard time sharing parts of me that I thought made me feel weak or unattractive or not in control.
And I had to do kind of a lot of healing to learn to trust and to learn to let my guard down and to accept in a different kind of love than I had accepted in in the past. And I started writing this book as a single person. I didn't start it as a person in a marriage. I started single, heartbroken. There are chapters of this book that I wrote from a place of dark, dark heartbreak.
There were chapters of this book I wrote from a place of being single and not knowing if I'd meet my person. And I finished editing this book on my honeymoon. So I've been on a journey with this book. When I hear your story, I don't, I'm not looking at that story going, oh my God, she's got so much wrong. I'm looking at everyone. I'm looking at your story and going,
That's, there's a, what is that Latin phrase? There's a, there's a Latin phrase, mutato nomine de te fabula narratur. And it means change only the name. And this story is about you. And I hear your story and I think change only the name and your story is everyone's story because we've all been hurt and it's made us
shut down in certain ways and it makes us keep going for a certain kind of thing that's not making us happy. And there's a lot, there's two chapters in this book and I know we're going to finish, but I'll just say this because I think it will be useful. There's a chapter in this book called How to Rewire Your Brain that shows you how to start attracting something different than you have in the past and how to do some of that deeper work that gets us out of our own way, especially when we've experienced some kind of trauma in our life.
This book could not have come at a better time. Let me tell you. Thank you so, so much. I'm going to be in Bermuda with this book. Looking to my left, no one's there, but the book will be there and we'll be good to go. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me, Sophia. Salutes. I'll talk to you guys next week. Bye.
