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Hi, sleuths. Today, I'm going to be taking you guys down memory lane and revisiting one of my all-time favorite episodes ever, which has a very, very important message I think we all need to hear. I love you guys and see you next week with an all-new episode.
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I did not do it, guys. I didn't do it. I was supposed to go to a healing ceremony to try ayahuasca this past weekend and I didn't go through with it. And I sent my good friend instead.
I needed a guinea pig to try it out before I put myself through that shit. And let me just say, shit works like a charm. So I'm back on the waiting list. I will probably ship off to do it in a month or so. Stay tuned for that. And welcome to Sophia with an F, everybody.
I thought to myself, what can I do to heal myself in the meantime that does not include intense drugs? And it was really hard for me to come up with anything. But I did not drink for the past week.
Zero alcohol. And it feels pretty fucking great. Yeah. I also was going to take off a week from drinking, but that lasted about four hours. And I happened to ruin all my relationships. And now my guy won't call me back. So...
I remember those days. It's been like a week. Two days. We've got my producer Alex here. Hello, Alex. Hello, Sophia. How are you? I'm amazing. How are you? Good. I'm like honestly shocked that I even made it a week. I've just been drinking a lot of sparkling water, which by the way, Alex, and I need you to please indulge me. This is a fucking debate that has been going on forever. Forever.
And no one has my back on this. Sparkling water is not equivalent to regular water. And I don't mean in the taste or in the... Carbonation. Texture in your mouth, okay? No.
Stop trying to tell me that sparkling water is just as hydrating as regular old tap water. It's not. I talked to a personal trainer that I had over a year ago about it. My family, I've asked, I literally have asked so many people and everyone's like, it's just carbonated water. It's just as good for you. No, it's not. No way. Maybe better than soda. Yeah.
Carbonation has to be dehydrating. It has to be. But like how the fuck do you even drink sparkling water? Let's start there. It tastes like fucking TV static.
And it doesn't even get you drunk. Like there's no point in drinking carbonation if you're not even going to feel something off of it. Except for disappointment and apparently hydration. You know what, Alex? You can let me know when you are not drinking alcohol. Okay. What things you intake. In other news, I need to talk about something. People say that kids should not have cell phones. No. No.
Adults should not have cell phones or access to the Internet for that matter. At least kids grow up with some idea of like what they're getting into or have some parameters. Adults have fucking free range and they cannot be trusted. Cannot. Like, what do you mean? Like there's child lock for kids on their mom's fucking iPads? Like there should be an adult lock or parental control? Yes.
Absolutely. I'm shocked that there isn't anything like that. The amount of times that my father has posted something he didn't mean to on his story and then has no fucking clue how to delete it. So it just sits there for four hours until I get off work and I can manually do it for him. Because imagine trying to explain to someone over the age of five
40 how to do it over the phone. Do your parents also ask you to write their captions because they can't speak English or is that just mine? My mom asked me to write fucking everything and I'm like, I can't even write my own. Literally. So please,
Uh, didn't some shit actually happen with Khloe Kardashian and her grandma uploaded a picture that wasn't flattering? And then she had to like do a whole fucking post and it was like a whole thing. And she had to be like, there's unflattering picture. Like her grandma almost sabotaged Khloe Kardashian's career. I know, literally. Why does her grandma have a cell phone? No offense. Why does my grandma have one?
Why do they have an Instagram? Thank you. And know how to post. Who do they follow? If you... The Kardashians. If you're going to know how to post, you better know how to delete. Yeah. Okay? Or put that shit on fucking private. For any grandma listening, for real. They're just like walking liabilities. But also the way they consume the shit that they see online.
I am going to secretly delete my mom's TikTok because A, chances are she won't know how to re-download it. But B, the amount of times that my mother has referenced something as if it were gospel and then tells me, oh yeah, I saw a TikTok about it. I can't.
She asked me, Alex, the other day. No, I'm scared. Verbatim. Sophia, could you, I need you to punch me. No, she was like, I need you to bop me on the back of the head so I can get my taste back.
because she saw some girl on TikTok and she was dead fucking serious. I don't know if it's because our parents are used to, you know, the literal newspaper, like showing up on their doorstep every morning and think the internet is the equivalent to that. They don't realize that there is a 12 year old behind the video that they're watching. Literally. Literally.
Unless you are showing me a peer-reviewed article by a professor at fucking Stanford, I don't want to hear about it. No. And the conspiracy theories. Oh, old people love conspiracy theories. Sorry, I was talking about you too.
Okay, guys. Mark Zuckerberg is not a fucking lizard. Although Jeff might be. Tupac is not alive. Michael Jackson did not walk out of his own ambulance. What?
Did you see the video footage, though? No. Because I know that motherfucker is moonwalking somewhere around here. Alex, I'm going to fucking hope and pray that you were just joking and I'm disgusted. I don't know. It's really quite terrifying. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Stevie Wonder. What? Stevie fucking Wonder. What about?
him you haven't heard the conspiracy no okay he's not blind stevie wonder is not blind what do you mean he's not blind there has been some suspicious activity people first pointed it out because he sits courtside at basketball games okay why
Please. If he can't see. Okay, please stop. Are you fucking kidding me? Explain it to me. Oh my God. Okay. And there was also this instance where he was performing to a large audience. He was on stage. Thousands of people were there and his mic stand started falling over.
And he caught it. Sophia. Okay. The mic stand was across the stage, by the way. So Stevie had to jolt across the stage to grab it before it fell. Does that sound like a blind person to you? God. No. It's...
a little suspicious. Also, this is the last thing I'm going to say about it. Shaquille O'Neal called out Stevie Wonder because Shaquille O'Neal said he ran into Stevie in the elevator once and the second he stepped in,
Steve was like, what's up, Shaq? Oh, my God. Okay, well, maybe he just has echolocation, you know, like bats because bats are blind, too. What is echolocation? He just, like, feels the vibrations. He probably just felt the vibrations off of Shaquille and felt his...
Okay. Wait, you know what's a bigger conspiracy theory? What? Stevie Wonder's a fucking bat. Okay. Okay. You know what? I see it. You heard it here first, people. Stevie Wonder is a bat. He is blind, though. So we're not discrediting the fact that he's blind. He's just blind because he's seen enough. Right.
We are done. We're done. I'm cutting us off. Obviously, it's all bullshit. But my point is the people that say that there is a microchip put in you if you get the vaccine are the same people that believe the earth is flat.
And the issue is that a lot of people believe it. That was a really good analogy. Thank you. A lot of people believe it. And I'm not going to sit here and say I'm immune to an internet search that turns into a YouTube rabbit hole. But I keep myself in check. You know, I don't question the moon landing being real.
Okay, but were you there? I do question Jeffrey Epstein because I don't know if he killed himself or not, but it's fine regardless. Moving on, I just wanted to say that because these parents and these grandparents, they need to be stopped because they're going to cause some real fucking damage. Yes. Okay? Okay.
You heard me on my last episode. I am on a mission to upgrade my style publicly, but privately as well. Don't get me wrong. A big t-shirt will get the job done.
but we can do better, like way, way, way better. And Gooseberry Intimates makes me look and more importantly, feel hot, snatched, sexy, cute, all of the above. If Sydney Sweeney and Hailey Bieber are doing it,
So am I. Gooseberry Intimates is a woman founded, ran and family owned company designed and produced in a house in Bali. And if there's one group of people I trust to make me feel sexy, confident and comfortable,
It's women. So join the movement. Head over to gooseberryintimates.com to get your hands on sexy intimates and swim. Use code SOFIA for 10% off. All right, let's move on to something that needs to be addressed. I really should start charging for my services. Male profiles on dating apps.
Why are they still so fucking bad in this economy at your big boy ages? Guys always talk about how basic girls are. No, no, honey buns. After the shit I have seen over the years on the fucking apps, I am convinced that all men are just in one big circle curating their profiles together.
But I digress. What unlocked this suppressed memory was my little brother. So my brother came over last night so we could have dinner as a family. And he was like, I need help with my dating profile. I was like, brother, I got you. This fucking idiot pulls up
His profile picture, which was the only picture he had. And it was of him and his two friends. I was like, bro, you are. So you just want like the people to guess. They're going to rush and roulette. Literally. You just want these girls to guess which one of you they're matching with. What in the actual fuck? My guy friend just last week.
This really good looking dude in his 30s sent over all of his pics and asked me to look them over for his dating profile. This fucker's main profile picture was of him holding a fish. Not okay. Have women...
Not been saying for like the past three years, we do not give a fuck that you caught a fucking fish. And they just, they won't let it go. They literally won't. They like, they won't go down without a fight. I think they believe that it makes them look manly. Yeah. Like, I think to them, they...
think of it as, ooh, I'm going to show this girl that I'll be able to provide for us with like my mad fishing skills. Stop it. Hunter and gatherer. Yes. Going back in time. And like, what the fuck do I know about fish? Like, I don't know the fucking difference between a trout or a salmon. Like, how the fuck am I supposed to be impressed by that? You're not. Like, the bigger the fish, the bigger the penis or what? I really don't get it. Oh my God. The fish is the new shoe size. Oh my God.
It's the new thing. You know what they say about big fish? A huge fucking dick. Big fishing rods. Big rods? Whatever. Wait, that was really fucking clever, Alex. I have to give it to you. I don't know what they're thinking. Also, just by the way, you need to have more than one picture on your profile. But if I see more than fucking five pictures...
walk the plank. Yeah, it's like one picture doesn't make you look mysterious. It's giving serial killer vibes. But if you're going to go ahead and post more than five pictures, slow down. Now you're starting to overshare, okay? If five pictures means you're going to start showing us your rock collection, then we'll settle for three pictures. If you are holding up
a wad of cash in any fucking picture. You deserve to be robbed. Yes. And just let me continue. Go ahead. If you're going to post a pic with your friends,
you better not be the shortest guy or the ugliest guy in that picture. Yes. Go grab your ugly friends, but they can't be too ugly. Yeah, there's nothing worse than when a guy uses a pic with all of his friends and you hope and pray that he's not the ugly one. Yes. But then you scroll that next picture and you got it, baby. He's the ugly one. I know. And then you just match with him so you can get to his friends. Exactly. Men listening, I don't think you want that. All...
women are really looking for on an app is a somewhat attractive dude. And if you don't have that going for you, all you need is a sense of humor. It's it's that fucking simple. Yes. Or a really cool job or a high paying job, which brings me to your bio. Oh, my God.
I had Alex pull up her dating app so I could do some research and see what the fuck my sleuths are being exposed to out there. And it's a real epidemic. Like, forget the Delta variant. Oh, my God.
I'm kidding, guys. That's obviously very fucking serious. But these bios are very serious as well. Okay? And let me just put this out there. Bios are not to be used as they are intended. Women don't actually care about who you are or what you're looking for. No. If you even try to say in your bio that you are not looking for anything serious...
We don't give a fuck. And it's honestly rude to assume that we are. Yeah, it's bold of you to assume that I want to date because I'm on a dating app. We're here for the same reasons you are, buddy. OK, and if a guy says he's looking for something serious, then we just think you're fucking lying and you're trying to get laid. Another thing, if you actually take the time out
to list your hobbies or things that you do for fun, you are a dead man walking. I have yet to see a guy's hobby that made me go, hmm, I'm wet now. You love to skydive, not impressed, a CrossFit enthusiast,
Don't care. You love to travel. You and everybody else, buddy. Or there's always the shooting, hunting, fishing. I love my truck guy. Oh my God. See, the only thing I find impressive about that is he has his driver's license. That's one hobby I can get behind. And don't even get me started on when they put the word adventure in.
in their bio. If you were to pull up 10 guys profiles right now, seven of them would have the word adventure in there. Guys will think that going to McDonald's at 2 a.m. and fucking in their car after is a fucking adventure.
I fucking believe it. Men, what makes y'all so qualified to put adventure in your bio? Did you do the Tour de France or did you go on a hike once last summer? Like, which is it? Either way, I find the word adventure exhausting and it signals to me that you are very active. Therefore, I'll pass. Okay, take that out of your bio right fucking now, men listening.
And then we have the real bitch boys of the dating app world. Men who say what they don't want in a girl, I think are the worst of all of them. Literally all of them. And you know what? Let me just read this guy's bio. We are now reading Travis's bio. Okay.
I love women that act their age and not their shoe size. Met a few on here. Please keep it moving if that's you. You got to have your shit together. Job, income. Stop being cheap little girls boss up. Excuse me?
Stop being cheap little girls. Boss up, please. I kind of want to like start just saying that. Yeah, wait, what? That is fucking repulsive, Travis. And whoever swipes right on you. They're delusional. And what do you mean your shoe size? Like what? I'm going to act like five and a half years old. Like what the fuck?
I would love to know how much he has his shit together. Okay, because he lives in fucking Clearfield. Little boy. I don't want to be rude to anyone that lives there, but like that's a tall tale sign that you don't have your shit together, by the way. Travis, okay? If I ever see you on the street, I'm going to slap the fuck out of you. Basically, less is more. Yes. You should not have more than anything.
15 words in your bio. Because you don't want it to look like you spent time on it. No. You really don't. Like if I have to click on your profile to fucking read your bio, it's already too long and I've already swiped left. Exactly. It needs to be quick. It needs to be funny. There were actually like a couple that stood out to me. That one guy and his bio was dad bod without the kids. That's funny. Yes. Or this other one. This guy said...
Send over your social security number and mother's maiden name so I know you're real. Hilarious. You guys have got this, okay? You just need to come up with one funny-ish thing and that's all you need to fucking do. And get your pictures under control and...
Go ahead and put Sophia with an F in your bio because I promise you, you will be matching with major bitches and they will be the cream of the crop. Yes. The sleuths are the best. Yes. And girls that have Sophia with an F in their bios have the best pussy. Facts. And I can confirm because it is in my bio. So if you see me on Tinder, say hello. Absolutely.
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Y'all were wild this week. Actually crazy and let's get started.
First question, my boyfriend and I had some friends over and his phone was out showing funny pictures of us. His friend asked me to show him pictures of our trip to Mexico. So I started to scroll and this guy, my boyfriend, started to sweat bullets. There were two pictures of a very pretty girl. So I asked, who is this?
His friend grabs the phone for me and says, it's his sister. I'm like, OK, you know what? I'm not even tripping. I just asked. He was like, you know how many pictures get saved from WhatsApp? Which is true. I just dropped it fast because I didn't want to make a big deal in front of everyone. Is it worth bringing back up?
I think the most concerning thing about this question is why the fuck would your boyfriend have pictures of his friend's sister? Anyways, after that happened, I would stalk his friend's Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn till the ends of the fucking earth just to see if I could find a picture of him and his alleged sister before I confront him. I...
I actually love how the friend just on the fly grabbed the phone as quick as possible and was like, it's my sister. Like, it's done. Oh, that was a good friend right there. That really, really was. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but not the strongest alibi to
to me. I know. Because if that were the case, that means he was talking to this girl around the same time that you were in Mexico with him. Yeah, exactly. Regardless of how this fucking mysterious picture showed up, you are asking me if it's worth bringing it up. Is the sky blue? Like, I
I bring up shit to my man that he did fucking 12 years ago when he wasn't even dating me. Yes, you bring it the fuck up. Yeah. You get to the bottom of it. You just need to make sure that you ask him all of the right questions, though. None of this like, who was that girl?
You can't leave room for him to like gaslight or like weasel his way out. Yes. He needs to pull up his phone in front of you, go to the picture, provide a timestamp. He needs to tell you where the pictures were sourced from and why. This dude needs to give you a presentation. Okay. PowerPoint. Yes. With graphs and shit to make it make sense. So yes, you bring it up to him. But also don't freak out just yet because...
I'm sure if someone were to scroll through my pictures, there would be like a random dick pic. And not even because I'm being shady, just because like my friend sent it to me or something. Oh, yeah. Your friend on WhatsApp. It's just your friend's brother. Fuck off, Alex. OK, next. Do you think it's weird to dry hump your pillow? I have a really hard time coming, but tried that and came super quick.
Okay. Number one. No. No, I don't think it's fucking weird. This was actually the way that my ex-boyfriend used to get off. Huh? Except it was a blanket. What?
What? He would lay his dick on his hand on the blanket and just hump it. I can't. I'd like you're going to need to show me a YouTube tutorial or something. What? I will show you. But either way.
Hump away. I fully fucking support this. I'm just happy that you found a way to make yourself come. Exactly. That's the only thing that matters. Yeah, it's so hard for like women to come. So yes, I remember growing up and every single person was like,
Vibrators are your only source of coming. And a vibrator has never worked for me. And I remember being so frustrated. Like, I have a vibrator. I can't come. Everyone is different. Okay. Not everything is going to work for everyone. And I advise anyone who thinks they can't orgasm to just please experiment in every which way that you can. Yes.
No matter what it is. Yeah. I don't care if it's your fucking showerhead, a cucumber, your fucking pillow pet in this case. But you got to do what you got to do. This person that wrote this and especially would love a pillow pet. My first orgasm was from a jet in a bathtub. So, yeah, everyone's different.
Get your pillow pet today. Not sponsored. Alex, you want to take this one away? Yes. Okay. Hi, Sophia. I loved your breakup Bible episode as I'm currently going through a big breakup right now. My question for you is, do I have to get rid of all the nice clothes he bought me? I like them and it's not like I think about him when I wear them, but it feels kind of wrong. They were expensive and I'm cheap, so I don't want to have to get rid of them. Hmm. Hmm.
Very interesting. Do you have something to say? Yeah, I do. Because my ex bought me a lot of expensive stuff. Like, I mean, are you going to cry every time you put on the Louis Vuitton bag that he got you? I don't fucking think so. Keep that shit, dude. And if not, sell it on Depop for more than he probably fucking bought it for. I love that, Alex. Really, are you going to get sad every time you rock the designer shit you stole from him? I don't think so, girlfriend.
Those belongings are yours now. And I think that's honestly a sign of a healthy breakup. That she's like, cool with wearing that shit. Because with me, I literally burned in a fire pit all of my ex's belongings after we broke up. Well, was it Louis Vuitton though? Absolutely not. Great fucking point. Okay, next. Next.
What do you do with your hands when getting eaten out by a bald guy? I'm sorry. I can't. I just I can't. Hair loss isn't funny, but this is fucking hilarious because literally what the fuck do you do? Alex, what should she do?
Babe, you rub that shit like it's a fucking crystal ball and you ask to see your future in that shiny fucking head of his. Like a genie in a bottle. That too. Make a wish. I don't know what you do. Grab his ears. Hold on tight. Howdy ho. Save a horse, right? A bald guy.
I don't know what you do, but I don't even grab a dude's hair usually. Sometimes. Just get creative. Yeah. I don't know. Hold on to the ears, the earlobes. I don't know. Make sure you look good in the reflection. Shut. That is so fucking funny. Girl, it doesn't fucking matter. Just hold on to anything. His shoulders, his shirt. The one little hair he does have that you forgot to pluck earlier. You've got this, girl. Okay.
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Okay, next. Hey, Slu, love you in the pod so much. I was just wondering how to ask the guy you are dating a question you already know the answer to. I went through my boyfriend's phone and he deleted a message from someone I didn't want him talking to. I'll never know if he texted her back or not. And it's driving me crazy. How do I get him to fess up without exposing myself?
Okay, slew. I love you, but I need you to listen very carefully to what I'm about to say. If you are in a loving, trusting, real relationship, why would you be worried about exposing yourself? Okay. You expose your naked body to him every day. Probably expose away expose. Okay. That is not something you need to even care about. Who cares if he knows you went through his fucking phone?
Like you obviously know he was being shady. Yeah. So that justifies why you did it. But I'm going to give you the answer that I know you're actually looking for. You can just say that this said person that you found on his phone DM'd you. Or you can just say someone from a random Instagram account said that
your boyfriend and her had talked recently, boom. That's a great idea. Easy peasy. Or you can do what my ex did and he would be like, oh, I had a dream that you cheated on me or something until I fessed up and
I actually was cheating on him, but... You fessed up after he said he had a dream? Yes. Why? Because, I don't know, I thought it was like fate or something. Oh my fucking God. I would have been like, yeah, dreams aren't real, bye. Okay, guys. That is it for today.
Always so much fun with you, Alex. Always so much fun with my sleuths. Alex, where can they find you? You can find me at every social media platform at alexfranco underscore meow.
And as always, you can find me, Sophia with an F, Franklin with a Y. Subscribe, rate, review. I don't know how many times I have to say it, but I'm going to probably say it until the end of time. And I hope you guys just stick with me and do it. Okay? And that's all I have to say. I love you sleuths so fucking much. And I will see you guys next fucking week.
