44: The Dick Riding Blueprint 59:34

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I had a traumatic fucking morning, y'all. Been dealing with a lot of bullshit lately, so if you will please allow me to vent, that would be spectacular. Well, maybe I should back up for a fucking second. Welcome to Sophia with an F, everyone. This is gonna be quick and painless. It's like ripping off a band-aid. Just let me do it. Just close your eyes. You won't even notice.

If you enjoy the show, don't let anyone hold you back. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not worth it and that leaving me a review is not going to be the most satisfying shit you ever do in your entire life. And don't be scared to hit the subscribe button. It doesn't bite. And I need this fucking job. Trust me. I need this job security. I'm about to turn 30 and then I truly will only have a face for radio, you know? Yeah.

My producer, Alex, is here, by the way. Good morning, Alex. Buenos dias, Sofia. Portuguese. I like it. German, actually. Now, back to what I was saying. As you all know, I applied for global entry so I can go on all my international thought trots all around the globe. Long story short, I got denied because apparently I'm a fucking felon.

I don't have the cleanest record, I admit. It's nothing serious. If you want to hear more, just go back to episode... Me waiting for my producer to back me up, but of course I can't expect that. Episode 30, titled Ketamine Queens with a K. But there is hope. I am very excited to say I started the process to expunge my record.

So I can stop being treated like a convict and get my record all cleaned up. And get fucking global entry. And march into the airport with my expungement and my clean record and rip it up into shreds and throw it in their face and tell them to fuck off. Which shredding it would not make any fucking sense. But anyways...

This process, you guys, the amount of hoops you have to jump through. I got to link up with a judge. I got to go visit the fucking prosecutor at his house. The priest is going to be there. I'm getting baptized. Honestly.

I'm contemplating just living life like the fucking flight risk they think I am. Thankfully, I have you, Alex. My trusty sidekick. I have Alex. Your sidekick, your producer, assistant, and now your fucking lawyer, apparently. Okay, Kim K, go off. Alex has been helping me with the paperwork because I just can't.

Alex, now we're just admitting on air that we're committing forgery on these documents and now we're really fucked. Why was I trusted out of all people to handle your legal documents? No clue. Like, if you get denied again, you're on your own, buddy. No.

Okay? Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. Okay? Okay, old timer. What the... Where did that fucking quote come from? Like, you live above the law, Alex. Above the law? Below the law? Within the law? Within... I don't fucking know. Something about the law, she doesn't do it, okay? She doesn't follow the law. Alex...

is literally out here having to convince the judge his royal highness that i am no longer a menace to society and i'm not kidding a written paragraph as to why expunging my record is not contrary to the public's interest verbatim people she's no longer young and dumb your honor just old and dumb

I fucking hate you. So that was my morning. And then to top it all off, I peed on myself, but that's like a given. Shout out wizard sleeve. Alex, people don't fucking know what the fuck a wizard sleeve is. Guys, a wizard sleeve is when you have one vagina flap that is longer than the other one. You're a wizard, Harry.

I think a wizard holds up one arm, check out his sleeve, and you'll know exactly what we're talking about. And the thing is, I will wipe thoroughly, too. And there's always, without fail, a trickle going down my leg. Guys, every time Sophia goes to the fucking bathroom, she pees on herself. Every time. And Alex thinks it's the vagina flaps. I know it is. So, ladies, if you're listening, please let me know if this happens to you. Please. Now let's get into the episode.

So I'm kind of a cunt. I realized I am a miserable fucking bitch and we need to talk, sleuths. I'm actually extremely fucking nice in person. Actually too nice. Alex calls me out on it all the time. So that's not real. But sometimes I take a sip of the haterade.

So this past weekend, I was watching this reality show called My Unorthodox Life. The name of the show doesn't fucking matter, but basically it's about a woman who left her ultra-religious community at like 40-something, no job skills whatsoever, and...

became part owner and CEO of the world's biggest modeling agency, Elite World Group. Look it up. Think Kendall Jenner. So this woman is a badass, no doubt about it. I end up posting something about the show that was totally unrelated on my Instagram story. So if you have enough, Franklin with a Y. If you're not following me, you're missing out.

Because I post pictures of myself watching reality television. It's like really fucking fun. Just kidding, you guys. I post ass shots and tit shots all day, every single day on the dot. So people start DMing me.

As it turns out, this lady's husband founded the holding company that owns Elite World Group. So basically, her husband is a billionaire who owns the company that owns the company that owns the fucking company that she's the head bitch at. And this is where I really need to check myself, people.

My initial reaction when I was reading the DMs was, okay, now it makes sense. Her husband got her the job. Okay.

Let's just back up, please. Is that some haterade seeping through my pores? Is that a little internalized misogyny I hear? Not cool. That's not cool at all. That way of thinking is so fucked up for a couple of reasons. Number one...

So I'm assuming because she's married to the guy, all of her credentials and accomplishments go out the window. Like she was just worthless scum fucking walking, stumbling along the New York streets. And this guy had to come and save her on his white horse. No. Secondly, I'm ashamed. I am ashamed. I want to repent for my sins. Wow.

I am not saying that this is what happened at all. I am not saying this lady...

Slept her way up to the top. But so what if her husband hooked her up with a job? So what if she sucked dick to get her position? Do you know how labor-intensive sucking dick is? So hard. Such hard work. Harder than half the jobs out there. And since when do I judge women for sleeping their way up to the top? I wish my pussy was that good. Same. My pussy hasn't got me shit.

I mean, your pussy's probably gone. You to plan parent for a fucking STD test. It definitely is taking me there. And maybe like a free drink at a fucking club. Never has it landed me in a CEO position. And if I needed to suck dick or fuck to be the CEO of elite world group, by golly, my mouth is open. And so is my pussy enter away.

I thought I was free and clear from having this bias. Obviously, I'm not. Internalized misogyny is the real fucking deal, folks. And this shit starts young, too. We are immersed in this shit from the moment...

We are born. I was going to say the moment we come sliding out of the pussy. Yes. Or the C-section or the test tube, however the fuck you guys got here. I don't want to offend anybody. I'm sure to everyone listening, your mom is fantastic with an F. But has she ever discouraged you from dressing a certain way because you will never find a man or to not talk a certain way because it's not ladylike? No.

My mom still does this shit. Your mom does this, Alex. Yes, I was going to say that. Moms are always like, wow, girls, what are your kids or what's your husband going to think when they hear the show? They're going to think I'm cool as fuck. Yeah, what? And they're going to love me. Bold of her to assume we're getting married. And having kids. Absolutely. Just kidding. We love our moms. I love you, mom. We cool now. So why is it?

Why is it that Derek can say and do whatever the fuck he wants and no one tells him that that is going to stop him from finding a wife? None of Derek's actions are going to hinder his chances of getting married. And why can Derek make a podcast talking about double teaming a girl with his friend? But when I do it, I get told my father should disown me and I'm a slut.

But also, thank God I do talk about sex because otherwise my show wouldn't be successful because I have nothing else to offer because I'm a woman. Talking about sex does not make you a sleut. Dear sleut media team. Okay, I just really love to put my foot in my mouth, don't I?

Okay, we're going to wrap this up. It's really important to me, guys, and I want it to be important to you because we all need to stop doing this shit. Part of the reason I named my company Sloot Media is because I am all about reclaiming the bullshit that society put on me and puts on women in general. Yes. Fuck your gender norms. Fuck. Fuck your gender norms. Fuck.

Fuck you. Fuck the patriarchy. And Jeff Bezos, for the love of God. Fuck you, Jeff Bezos. That one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater. Fuck. That was really rude. Love you. Love you, Jeff. I will absolutely take back everything I've ever said if you want to marry me and give me some of that fortune. I promise.

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Listen up, Sleutants. Class is back in session and you have entered Sleut University. Today's lecture, sex ed. And don't worry, I will not be handing out condoms because I know y'all are out here raw-dogging it anyways. Yes, ma'am. And please don't come crying to me when you get fucking chlamydia. I'm over it. You guys have six days off every week to engage in your debauchery and I...

I am always left to clean up your mess. Bitch, you don't clean up your own fucking mess. Please raise your hand and I will call on you. Thank you. We are going to be discussing sex explicitly today. So if you're driving in that little minivan and your children of the corner in the car turn the volume up, they should know this.

I was having sex last night. Mm-hmm. I am that bitch. I am rich. I am that bitch. I get that bag. Is that how that song goes? Nope. And my man decided to switch it up on me and told me to get on top. So rude. So inconsiderate. So rude. But I did it anyway. And you guys, I literally forgot how to ride fucking dick. Okay.

I got up there and I felt shy and I don't get fucking shy. I have been having consistent sex with this man. How am I going to be clamming up right now?

It's anxiety-inducing. It really truly is. You know what it feels like? What? It kind of feels like back when you were a kid climbing up the ladder in your little bikini to jump off the high dive and everybody's just watching, waiting for you. What the fuck? It's scary. It's scary.

It feels like you're about to put on a performance. Yeah. Which you are. You walk onto the stage. His dick is your stage. And it's showtime. Let me see what you've got. And if the sex is bad, you and yourself and Irene are the only one to blame. It's like auditioning for The Voice. It's similar. Break a leg. Whatever Alex just said. But let's digress and begin. Let's get into the basics first.

Because even though I clammed up last night, there was a moment in time in my life where I could only get off from sex if I was on top. And I had that shit down to a science.

So, there are really only two ways to ride dick. You either bounce or you grind. Vertical or horizontal, pick your fucking poison. You're either going up and what goes up must come down or you're going front to back. Newton's Law of Motion. So, which is the right way? Both. Both.

But you should start with the bounce. Simply because I know I'm going to get tired real quick and I want to show off while I can. So first things first, in order to really do this right, you got to get on your feet. You got to get on your fucking feet, people. If you thought you could stay on your knees and do a proper bounce...

Praise me, hallelujah, mm-mm, girlfriend. You are on the balls of your feet now, honey. Yes. And getting on your feet signals to him you know exactly what you're doing. This ain't your first rodeo, okay? You are an established cowgirl. I'm just too good, guys. I'm too fucking good. Save a salute, ride a cowboy. Okay.

And on top of that, just phenomenal view. Really, really just incredible. He's seeing your pussy on full display. And not only that, it shows that you're cool with looking like a fucking bullfrog. No, it does look like a bullfrog. It does. If you've ever crouched down with your legs spread open in front of a mirror...

I have, and that shit is... Alex, you explain it. Dude, it's fucking terrifying. I've done it. Let's just say it was very interesting to see myself in that position, to say the least.

Interesting is a great way to put it. It's a little vulnerable. You just, you feel, you feel vulnerable. It looks a little unnatural from that angle. Yes. And it looks like a fucking toad, basically. But I know I was just getting done saying the view is fucking phenomenal for him. He's into the toad. Let me tell you. Because.

Because it might feel or look alarming to you, but to him, it screams vagina. But more so, it screams fearless and therefore screams, I'm about to be a freaky ass bitch. Also, fun fact, your vagina is going to suction cup his dick like a fucking vacuum. Yes. The sensation changes when you're in that position. Yes, it really does. So now you're on your feet.

Please don't get all nervous and just start bouncing up and down as fast as you can like fucking Tigger from Winnie the Pooh. I think women try to mimic the pace from other sex positions, but you can go slow if you need to. He is not going to mind seeing his dick go in and out slowly. Trust me. Take your time. It'll make him feel big.

It took like 20 minutes to get to the top. Like the ride at Knott's Berry Farm. He'll feel fucking huge the slower you go. However...

Safety precaution. Do not, I repeat, do not bounce too high. No. You are going to come down and snap his dick in half. Yes. It's not a glow stick, lady. It's not a fucking glow stick. I've done this and I didn't snap it in half per se, but I hurt his wee-wee. Yes. And he did not like it. No. And he was very upset. So.

So after you have been doing that for a full minute and a half...

You're exhausted now. It's time to get back on your knees. Take the pleasure off him for a second and take care of yourself, baby girl. Get greedy, okay? Greedy isn't just about getting that bag. Greedy is about getting your fucking orgasm, too. Yes. Men will not only respect it, it's basically the single most hot thing you can do during sex forever.

Period. Women having more orgasms for the win. Preach. We're greedy for the check. We're greedy for the dick. We're greedy for the orgasm. What are we not greedy for? All of that. Give me that smoke. I need all of that. Oh, if anyone's been watching the show, Dave, you will very much appreciate that. So how are we writing this damn thing? Well, for starters...

You need to get off your feet, onto your knees, and reposition yourself. And don't frantically rush this because you're feeling nervous. Now is the time to be strategic because the goal is to, and listen to me very carefully, if you were doodling on your fucking paper, I'm going to fucking chuck all your shit into the garbage and call the principal on you, which is also me. Okay?

The goal is to angle your body in such a way that when you are grinding on him, your clit is rubbing up against his pelvic bone. If your clit isn't getting a rug burn, you're not fucking close enough, bitch. Okay? Get closer. Exactly right. We are looking for rug burns. Once that is done, here are some tips.

First, you're going to want to spread your knees wide. And let me just say right now, that shit hurts. I vividly remember being on top, wishing I had more flexibility and feeling frustrated because I was like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, my clit is so close, just like a little bit farther down. Yes, oh my God. And if you're working on getting your splits, this is the way to go. That was one of my New Year's resolutions actually is to be able to do the splits again.

The real ultimate aspiration really is to Meg the Stallion that shit and hop up on that dick and do a full split. Dead serious. Dead serious. Okay, I've actually done that.

No, you have not. And I promise it's really not that great. Have you? I've seen Alex do the splits before. So, like, I kind of believe you. You really did that. Yes. It's not that great, though. It's hard to maneuver. I mean, maybe you didn't enjoy it, but I'm sure that shit put that guy into a fucking coma. You little minx, you, Alex. All right. Second thing.

You need to know what you like because the advice is different based on your personal preference. I like to stay up straight. Alex, on the other hand, prefers to lean forward. So if you're like Alex, what you're going to want to do is you're going to want to shift all of your body weight forward.

Here's the trick, though. As all of your weight is leaning forward, you want to arch your back and toot your little booty right up in the air. Arching your back makes your body look and feel curvier. It will also help you grind on his dick easier. It's physics, I swear. Yes, we all learned about this in high school. In science class. And the kicker, attention to all...

men of America of the world. This is one of my biggest fucking turn-ons. By gripping my waist and holding me down firmly onto his body, my clit can then get the right amount of friction. I wish...

I was about to make a sexual joke towards you, Alex. Oh, God. I wish you guys could have seen Alex and I out here humping my fucking neck pillow to give you guys the best advice possible. Oh, God.

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We need to just take a step back because millions and millions and millions of people listen to this show. Yep. Which means the sexual experience levels are from all ends of the spectrum. We have some beginners. We definitely have some virgins. And some of them are thinking, Professor, once I'm on top, what am I supposed to do with my hands? Yes.

Valid fucking question. Good question. I usually place them on his chest. But you can explore. Go on a fucking treasure hunt. Try reaching back and play with his balls. Or place them on his thighs so your pussy is facing him. You're leaned back. Back is arched. Tits up. Or you can place your hands on your own tits. You can grab his hand and place it...

on your tits and have your hand on top of his hand on top of your tit. Hot. Inception. You can stick a finger in your mouth and bite it ever so slightly and look him in the eye. I just made that one up, but that sounds fucking hot too.

Go wild with it. Or just grab the headboard behind him. Great one. That's my favorite one. That's a great one. I will say I've seen this in porn and I don't like this one. When they scrunch their hair up or they glide their hand down their neck and like throw their head back. Yeah. Like they're just dying of ecstasy. You're doing too much. Yeah, it's a little too theatrical for me. Authenticity, please. Fuck fake bitches. Yes.

Okay, but you know what? Professor, where the fuck am I supposed to look? What are my eyeballs supposed to be doing? This is a solid question. I think women do get nervous about eye contact. And lucky for you, this is not one of those positions where you need to be looking deep into his eyes. Yeah, like it's not a fucking staring contest.

Please don't ever do a staring contest even if you are looking into his eyes. Like, you can fucking blink. Please don't make it awkward. I mean, I will do that. I will look at his face and his eyes. I'm not, like, fucking averting my gaze and staring at the wall like I'm scared. But I'll look down. I spend a lot of time looking down at my pussy, rubbing on his torso, and...

And I spend a lot of time with my eyes closed. Ooh, that's a good point. Concentration, 69. Is that how it goes? Concentration, 64. Okay, got it. And if you're ever feeling uncomfortable and don't know where to look...

Perfect time to hit them with reverse cowgirl. Yee-haw. No eye contact in reverse cowgirl. Perfectly fine. I mean, reverse cowgirl, though, that's an expert move. We can talk about that at a later date. I mean, talk about fucking getting a workout in. Yes. But moving on.

Getting on top can be extremely nerve-wracking. I get why it can be a little bit scary or a little bit intimidating. Your body is on full fucking display. Full frontal expose. It's not missionary where he's hovered over you or doggy where all he sees is butthole. When you're on top, he's seeing tummy, tits, legs, and face. And...

And from down below, too. Yeah. You're up there and you're like, oh, my God. He for sure is looking up at my 18 chins right now. Sweetie, he is not looking at your fucking chin. Get over yourself. Real talk. Real talk. He's looking at his dick going in and out of your vagine. Yeah. And occasionally your boobs. Yeah.

Now is really not the time to get self-conscious, ladies. He knows what you look like. I've said this time and time again. He knows what you look like.

Please, please, please don't be up there trying to suck in and fucking flex your abs and make a sexy face. He wants the ugly face. Yes. He wants the fupa and the belly. I've said this a million times. When are people going to believe me? The face you're making doesn't matter. And he's seen your fucking body. Just make sure you're enjoying it. Because if you're not, chances are neither is he. Exactly. Exactly.

Oh my god. And you know what? If all else fails, practice on a pillow. Alex and I did it and I feel fucking ready. Yes. Ready to ride all the fucking dicks. I'm going to ride a train on 12 guys. Oh, okay. I'm running the train. Someone's in heat.

Okay, guys, we have covered a lot today. There is obviously much more to writing penis, but that concludes our class this week. You guys have been doing amazing, and I never, ever, ever want you guys to graduate, so you can stay with me forever. Oh, God. I'm holding you all back a grade, okay? Moving on. I would like to talk about something fucking repulsive. Okay.

Something that grinds my gears like no other makes my fucking skin crawl. We are talking about Pikmis. It sounds like a Pokemon character. Pikmis wish they were that cool. They are not. I don't know shit about Pokemon. I mean, I know Pikachu, which sounds like Pikmi. Pikinis. Have we ever talked about Pikmi girls? We all know what a Pikmi is, right? Yes. Yes.

Well, you know what? Maybe some people fucking don't. A pick-me, as you can tell by the name, is the girl who will do literally anything she can to get a guy to pick her. They enable male entitlement to be the perfect woman. Yes. And oh my God, it is so fucking transparent. Eloquently said, Alex. Thank you. Thank you.

A pick-me-girl's actions are a desperate attempt to say, I'm not like the other girls without actually saying it. Exactly. And I have the best fucking story for this. So just get your tea or your wine or your cocaine because you need to pay attention. This is going to be a good one. So a few years ago, I went to this after party with one of my good friends.

We were in New York at Marquee. Is that club even still fucking open? Anyways, she knew the guy that was DJing that night. We go back to his party. It's at this insane fucking penthouse in Tribeca. Beautiful people, drugs of all kind. Cool.

We take some shots and we migrate over to the couch and start shooting the shit with this group of guys. We're laughing, having a great time. These men are sexy as fuck, probably rich as fuck. And we start talking about the night before and how fucked up we got. My friend pulls out her phone and is like, oh my God, you guys, you have to see these pictures of Sophia from last night. They are so fucking funny.

And I'm thinking to myself, I know this bitch is not about to do this.

She pulls out her phone and starts showing these dudes pictures of me from the night before. I am passed out. I have my ass hanging out. Throw up on my shirt. Just the most embarrassing, unflattering pictures of me you've ever fucking seen. And normally I would not care that much, you know? Like, if she was just showing them to, like, our close friends or something. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, even other girls at the party. Like, that's one thing.

But it was the fact, and this is the important detail here, I had mentioned to her earlier that I thought one of the guys there was hot. So that's when it became very apparent what she was trying to do. She was trying to embarrass me just so she could look better, I guess. Or was feeling insecure and needed validation by putting me down. Either way, the most pick-me juvenile behavior I have ever witnessed...

I brought it up to her the next day. She said sorry. She apologized. She said she was like super fucking drunk, didn't think anything of it, thought it would be funny. It's just really rubbing the wrong way. So now that we are all on the same page of what a pick me is, and I'm sure at this point you can identify a few you fucking know. Hopefully it's not you listening.

I want to go through some of my favorite types of pick-me bitches. I gave this so much thought. I really, I mean, there's so fucking many, and I picked the cream of the crop for you all. Alex, are you ready? Ready. Let's go. Let's start with the first pick-me, the homebody pick-me. I truly hate this bitch. Yeah.

This girl loves talking about how she's such a homebody because she thinks it's more desirable for a guy. Girl,

If you are not fun, which you clearly are not, and no one wants to invite you out, just fucking say it. Like, Jason is going to cheat on you regardless, baby girl. Might as well go out and have your fun while your tits are still perky. And, by the way, guys love bitches who go out and have their own lives. And sleuths have the most fucking fun. Second...

The he knows where home is picky. Oh, my God. This poor, poor girl. This girl will put up with any and everything from her guy. Come hell or high water, she will never leave this man. He could have 18 side bitches. He literally tells her that he hates her.

And she will go nowhere. And the worst part about these girls is they try to make you seem like less of a woman or partner because you won't put up with this type of bullshit. Sorry, I don't care if he knows where home is. He can go to a fucking homeless shelter for all I care. Number three.

The Gluck Gluck Pick Me. This girl. Now, let me start. There is nothing wrong with a good blowjob. I know I make a shit ton of jokes and, like, I hate it. I mean, I don't love it. But, like, I encourage it and I definitely give blowjobs. But what makes...

This girl's special is she has to make an entire movie out of how much she loves giving head. You will be casually around a bunch of guys and she just starts going off about how much she loves choking on dick. My God. Yeah. I don't know. I just something about like choking and like crying on penis. You know, I just I love it. Stop. No, you don't. You are lying. Why are you lying?

Number four, the, but I'm not like that. Pick me. I kind of mentioned this in the beginning, but let me just start by saying even guys hate this bitch. She will be talking to a guy and randomly announce all of the things she doesn't do.

do not have one night stands. I'm just not like that. Or she'll be about to hook up with him and say, I usually don't do this. Bitch, shut the fuck up. You are not special. And if you don't do it, another bitch will. And you're lying anyways. You do do that. We all see through this little charade. It's not fucking cute. We don't need to make announcements about what we do or don't do sexually. We really fucking don't.

Number five, Alex, are you ready? Ready. The yeah, but she got this done. Pick me. I will say, I think we've all been this girl before. Accountability is key, but some people, some women take it to fucking extremes. Have you ever seen a gorgeous woman? And your first thought was, well, her tits are clearly fake.

I think we all have. Yes, we all fucking have. But there is a difference between having this kind of girl talk with your friends and stalking surgeons on IG because you want to make sure you go to the same doctor and the kind of pick me that I am about to talk about. Imagine sitting in a room with dudes and Megan Fox comes across the TV screen. The guys start talking about how hot Megan Fox is.

And this girl over in the corner blurts out, yeah, but she's had so much work done. Do you realize how fucking desperate that sounds to relay that message as if it takes anything away from Megan Fox? Oh, yeah. I'm sure these dudes all of a sudden are like, you're right. Like Megan Fox, no longer hot. You guys know what I fucking mean. All right.

Number six, the body dysmorphia pick me. This girl is obsessed with showing off how tiny she is. Okay. Stay with me, everybody. Jason gave her his jacket when they were walking home from the bars the other night and she couldn't stop gawking about how big it is on her. Like Jason,

Girl, Jason is 6'2", 220 pounds. It would look like a hospital gown on almost fucking anybody. No one cares that you're pint-sized. You know what I want to do? Now the only thing I want to do is kick you like a soccer ball since you won't shut the fuck up about how mini you are. Barely being able to see over the fucking steering wheel is not a personality trait.

This is the last one. I saved the best for last. I'm going to try to say this without hysterically crying and laughing. The tampon pick me. This sounds outrageous, but I swear I have heard this on numerous occasions and I needed to call this one out.

This girl, this particular pick-me girl, will somehow bring up how tight her pussy is by complaining about how she could never imagine using a tampon, let alone a supersized one, because she can allegedly barely fit.

her pinky up there. I feel like every single girl in this world knows a girl like this. It's so fucking stupid. Girlfriend, I'm sorry that I have a heavy flow and wide-set vagina, but your boyfriend still wants to fuck me. So, Sloots, you get the picture?

I'm going to relax now. If this is you, if you are a pick me girl, I'm happy that you are aware enough to recognize it. I get it a little bit. I mean, sometimes a dude comes along that you really, really fucking like and all logical thinking goes out the window.

I mean, I'm sure I've done one of these things when I was a lot younger, but it really needs to fucking stop. And I'm here to help you. I'm like a Sour Patch. Sour and then sweet.

This is the first thing I want to say. You need to remember that there is literally nothing you can do to make a guy like you. You can do things to keep him around. You can buy his love. But if he's going to like you, it's going to be because of who you are and not your desperate attempts to make it happen.

The second a man can sniff out the fact that you are saying or doing things to make him like you or pick you,

He's not interested. I mean, let's flip the roles. Do you like it if a dude on the first date says he knows fucking Drake's manager or brags about how much money he has? No. So fucking annoying. It's so annoying and such a turnoff. We like it if a dude oozes confidence by not bragging at all. Let's be real. Money talks, wealth whispers. Biggest takeaway is

Stop basing your behavior off of men, please. Stop hoping he picks you and start being okay with the fact that maybe he fucking won't. Boom. Damn. And with that, I would love nothing more than to SOS my BBL butt out of here. Save our sleuths. Questions of the fucking week. ♪

All right.

After my roommate messaged him, they immediately started texting and flirting. Within the day, the boyfriend had made reservations at this fancy restaurant for him and my roommate.

Holy shit. Woo!

So this girl helps other women on Reddit catch their boyfriends cheating. I need to know, is this a paid gig or is this just a fucking hobby for this girl? Well, she said it was a client, so I would hope she's getting paid. Oh my fuck. She is charging to get on social media and stalk people's boyfriends.

Hi, this is a job for anyone sitting at home needing some extra cash. And this sounds so fucking fun. Fuck a wine night. Fuck a slumber party with your girlfriends. You and your friends can be legit private investigators for the night. Oh, my God. I wonder what she wore.

Like, was she doing, like, a mustache? No, she didn't have to. But I would... I mean, I would want to go all out. Alex, what would you wear? Camouflage head to toe. Classic. I thought you were going to say your Hello Kitty ski mask is what I thought you were going to say. That too. But that's too much. That's drawing attention. I would wear, like, all fucking black, kind of ninja style. I would...

hit up a spy store. Have you ever been in one of those? No. They fucking exist. I went to one in New York by accident. Craziest shit ever. Funniest shit ever. Pens with little cameras like on the lid. Hats with cameras. Fucking a book with a recording device. I would go strapped. Damn. This question is fucking amazing, girl. I love you for doing this. All right, next. Next.

Is it weird that my boyfriend really wants to drink my breast milk? He loves my boobs, which is normal, but milk? I think it started out as a joke when he'd say, milky, and point at my chest, but I can't tell if it's gone too far. He's mentioned wanting to do this more than once, and recently he asked if he could taste it.

Okay, girlfriend. This is actually extremely common. My last boyfriend was

was obsessed with this concept, he would also... I can't even say this. He would refer to my boobs as mommy milkers. Dude, that's a common phrase now. It is? Yes. Okay, well, it's fucking hilarious. Girl, if you were wondering if it's gone too far, I don't think it's a matter of going too far. It's a matter of, are you okay with him having this fucking fetish? And if you're not sure if he actually has this fetish, why don't you test it out? Yeah.

Take it for a spin like a new fucking car. Say you borrowed your friend's breast milk and want to role play. Pull up milking porn.

Just pull it up one night and say, I know you've been joking about this, but I started thinking about it more and it's kind of a turn on. And pretend you're super into it and see how he responds. And ask him if he wants a diaper and a binky too. Yeah, if he wants to be a fucking baby so bad. Exactly. All right, next.

What's your opinion on the whole dom and sub thing? Have you ever been in a similar situation or is it a no for you? Love you and the show. Dom and sub. Alex, you're smart. What the fuck does dom and sub mean? Dominant and submissive. Thank you very, very much. Have I...

Have I engaged in this? Alex, have you? No, but I would love to. I think, okay, well, it's clear that I'm a submissive, first off. I think I would love to be dominated by someone. I love how you say it's clear and like you didn't just say earlier in the episode, you hopped up on a dick and did a split on it. Okay, but in this grand scheme of things?

Yes, I know. I don't want to take credit away from those that actually actively participate in the BDSM scene. But I think I would like to dabble in it if the occasion arises. I love that for you. And I would be down with that too.

But you're single. So like if I was single, I would want to. When I think about me and my boyfriend doing it, absolutely fucking not under no circumstances. Do you think you'd be the dom or the sub?

I would be the sub. I could not bear it to be the dom. Like, I just, like, I couldn't. Really? Yes, I would be the sub. However, I think if I was just at a sex club one night and it was a random guy or maybe just, like, a fuck buddy, I would be down to play around and be the dom role. Fucking beat him the fuck up. With your vagina? Yeah.

Stomp on his balls, whip him, gag him, choke him, tell him like his mom doesn't love him, make him fucking cry. I know it'd be fucking fun as shit. Yes. I mean, I have dabbled, but not really because it was more of a joke. I'm down to do it. Depends on the person. And I'm assuming when she says Dom sub, she means like the 50 shades of gray shit, which I couldn't date a guy that would be down. Could you? No.

I mean, if it was with fucking Mr. Gray, absolutely. If it was with Vinnie Hacker, Zach Pia. Absolutely. Hit me up. I'll be your Seb. Okay, that...

That's a really good point. If it was like Javier Bardem, I would let him do unforgivable things to me. But if it was a guy who was seriously dating and he wanted to do this type of thing and leave me for dead almost every single time we have sex, I wouldn't be cool. Don't knock it till you try it. All right. Next question. Alex, if you could please do me the honor. Absolutely. Okay.

Okay. So my boyfriend of three years and I had a threesome with my best friend. Learning after the best. Talking about you because you're a whore. And

And it was so fucking hot and great, but at the end, he grabbed the friend and decided to finish with her. Yikes. I felt weird after that and just kind of brushed it off, but I keep thinking about it and want to ask him, why did you pick her? Am I reading into it or should we have established rules first? I'm not worried about anything with my friend, but it almost made me sad that he grabbed her instead of me. Help.

Oh my God, girl, I feel you because I have been in your position exactly. So there's a few things here.

Yeah, you should have probably established some rules beforehand. But let's be fucking honest. Every threesome I've done, it's always been in the heat of the moment. Okay? There's always been like a few whiskey sours and, you know, a fun time. And then it ends up happening. So I would

would advise to stay away from doing threesomes with your boyfriend and your best friend. You want to find the unicorn, the girl that is not your best friend and is further away from home. A few degrees detached. You know what I'm saying?

I love that in this question you didn't say shit about being mad at your friend. I think that's really cool. In my situation, I was not upset with my friend at all. She was so respectful. She asked me 78 times, are you okay with this? Are you okay with this? Do you want to do this? As for the guy finishing with your friend...

it doesn't mean he likes her more than you it doesn't it really doesn't mean much except the fact that all of a sudden he had new pussy and he sees the day carpe diem and he was like oh let me try coming with this new vagina that's literally it however if you are feeling weird about it bring it

the fuck up to him ask him be like why did you pick her who cares if you come off crazy or whatever it doesn't fucking matter you need to bring it up to him and like let him know how you're feeling yeah I honestly don't have any advice because I've never been in a threesome never never ever ever ever nope would you be down absolutely two girls one guy or two guys one girl okay I'm not trying to get Eiffel Tower thank you

I've done that. One hole is enough for me. I have not been Eiffel Towered. I have dabbled in two guys and just me. But, girl, just ask him. Okay, next question. And for everyone listening, it is time to turn off the television because this is better than anything that is on fucking TV tonight. Yes. Buckle up, bitches. Holy fucking shit.

See, it's already starting off with a fucking bang. As a basic piece of shit dude, I know I'm completely undeserving of your help. However, an absolutely ridiculous situation has happened in my life, and I honestly believe you are the only human on earth who can help me. Okay.

I was happily dating a girl who was and always will be my best friend. We met after a full weekend of drinking and fucking in Miami after her ex-piece-of-shit boyfriend bounced. I'm becoming a doctor in Tennessee, and I went home to Pennsylvania while I had time off.

This motherfucker rose from the dead like some walking dead bullshit. And somehow the motherfucker proposes and put her in this weird Amish bullshit forced marriage thing.

I have like two weeks to stop this. As a man, I fully acknowledge men are shit, but I'm trying to be the lesser of two shitholes here. I'm going to be a doctor before I'm 30. This dude is in his 40s and doesn't understand how taxes work. Please, if you have some way to help me or want to help me crash a wedding, hit me back. Thanks in advance. Don't be talking shit on people who don't understand taxes, okay? That's what I took from that question. What the fuck?

Did I just read? That was a roller coaster. Where do we even begin? Baby boy, get ready because I am picking you up in a sports car, music blasting, and we are about to fuck up this Amish wedding. I am... What is it when they say during a wedding? You see it in all the movies. The guy turns to the people in the crowd. What does he say? He's like...

What? The guy marrying them will say something along the lines of, does anyone... Oh, any last words? No.

That's when someone's about to kill someone. No! Whatever. You guys know what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm going to be right there by your side, buddy. I'm ready to walk in there like the men in black. Guns blazing. We're going to grab your girl. We're going to churn some butter and Tokyo drift the fuck out of there.

Wow. Alex, what do you think? I really hope that we are not too late to crash the wedding. I know. Dude, I just looked up an Amish wedding and it is scary. Really? Yeah, like no disrespect to y'all, but like what the fuck is that shit about? And also like you seem like a lot more fun and you're going to be a doctor.

So I don't know what this girl is thinking. I mean, I think she's brainwashed. She has to be. Yes. I'm on this guy's side till the day I fucking die. Yes. So me and Sophia will be pulling up. We are ready to be your getaway car.

Man, listen. Honest advice, you need to try to avoid crashing the wedding, although I fully fucking support it. I want to do it, and I think if you can't get through to her by the time the wedding's happening, you roll up. But

You need to talk to her before this fucking wedding. You need to go to wherever Amish people live. I have heard it's in fucking Pennsylvania somewhere. He sounds so uneducated. Well, he said he's from Pennsylvania.

Oh my god. Putting the facts together. Go wherever Amish people like to hang out. Show up on this girl's doorstep and make it right. Because I'm assuming Amish people don't have cell phones, right? I'm assuming that as well. I don't know.

All right. Best of luck. I'm here to crash anybody's wedding if you need me or just invite me to the open bar. I will fucking be there. I might ask to vlog it. So just know that.

that ladies and gentlemen, sleuths and sleuthos. It's time for Alex and I to depart. I love you guys so much. If you don't know what my name is, it's Sophia the F Franklin with a Y please rate review, subscribe to the show. I'm going to keep saying that until I'm blue in the face. And I have instead of 10 million listeners, I have 20 million listeners. You know, I love you guys.

Alex, where can they find you? You can find me at AlexFranco underscore meow on every social media platform. Every single one. Meow. Okay, guys. See you next week.