42: Narcissists Anonymous 50:57

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How are my best girlfriends? Welcome to Sophia with an F, everybody. Luckily for you, I am back and blessing your airwaves. Ooh, that sounded sexual. All right. So last week, I had a pregnancy scare.

This wasn't your typical, uh-oh, maybe he didn't pull out quick enough scare you get when your period is like a couple days late. My period did not show up for almost a month. Okay? Danger zone. And the thing is, I really, really, really wish I could come on here and tell everybody that I am in fact not pregnant and crisis averted. If only it were that fucking simple. I did start my period yesterday.

or something pretending to be my period. What do you mean? It was wearing a disguise? Basically. Hi, Alex. Alex is here. Everyone, Alex, Alex, everyone. Hello. So this is what happened.

I did get my period for one day and then nothing. Okay. Which is not a typical period for me. Usually I'm your basic four dayer. I start with a light flow progressing into heavy and then, you know, it trickles off from there. Men listening, just fucking relax. Okay. So I decided to start Googling, right? Okay.

as you do and the internet is fucking useless every single thing was like no you cannot have a period and be pregnant however women who are pregnant can have other bleeding that might look like a period disguise

Okay, WebMD. Thank you for absolutely nothing. So pregnancy and periods just go hand in hand, I guess. Like two peas in a fucking pod. Awesome. But I will find out eventually. I mean, I fucking have to. It won't be through a pregnancy test, though. I will tell you that much right now. I am not finding out the hard way. But I digress. Okay.

Before we dive in, I just wanted to mention the Our Attorney Will Get Us Out of Everything collection. I don't think I gave credit where credit is due. I always want to dress like a hoe. And so I always wear the tank.

But I am wearing the hoodie right fucking now. And I honestly forgot how comfortable it is and how fucking cute it is. You wearing mine right now? No. Alex's smells like armpits in the fucking washer right now. No. You did that. Wow. I guess that's just what happens when you work and live together, basically. Okay. Moving on.

Guys, confession time. I am thinking about getting a BBL, a Brazilian butt lift. Here we fucking go. I'm fucking serious.

I am so sick and tired of the squats and the deadlifts and the fire hydrants and the hip thrusts and the resistance bands and the weights. I'm like, I'm so over it and I'm getting a fucking BBL. It's decided. And I know before I throw in the towel, I should probably try working out. I don't know, Alex, how often do I even work out? Like, why?

Once every two weeks. Please, I work out at least once, maybe even twice a week, but that's obviously not enough. The way that my butt sits on my body, it's going to take me years to get where I want my butt to

Well, yeah, with that workout routine. I'm being serious. Like it just I don't have a bubble butt. OK, let's just fucking put it that way.

sag, sagalicious and flat. Diaper butt. A diaper butt. Yes. I have a self-proclaimed diaper butt and everyone has a perfect butt. Now, every single person has a BBL. Like I don't have years to get my butt there. Okay. I have five good years left to be a hot person. And then I'm in my thirties and I'm the corpse bride, at least according to men. I mean, the

The only thing that is holding me back at this point is it is like an invasive procedure. But you know what? Beauty is pain and I'm down for the fucking cause. I can just picture myself rolling you in the wheelchair in the airport while you sit on your fucking donut pillow wearing your fa. Wait, what is a fa?

The Faha. The Faha is like what the doctor gives you, like that holds all of your fucking body and organs in. Okay. It's like a waist trainer, but like for your whole body. Got it. Maybe, Alex, maybe that is what you're going to be doing. Because can you really fucking tell if a girl has had one? And does it really fucking matter if she has? It doesn't make her less hot. I know that for a fact. And...

BBLs, they're fucking sneaky too. That's why I love them. The thief in the night. The plastic surgery that you can get nowadays, I can spot a boob job from a mile away. But a BBL, I have...

have to sit there for a full work day on Instagram trying to figure out if it's real or fake. Have to get the squat on the case, send this girl's butt off to all my friends, got to sit there and scroll, you know, through her entire Instagram feed to find a video.

Uh-oh, ass looks pretty fucking perfect. Could just be the angle though. Okay, Jenna Stevenson with the perfect ass. You want to play hardball? I'm not giving up that easy, girlfriend. I will scroll all the way down to the very first picture you ever posted on IG, okay? Let's see what your butt was up to when you were in high school or right out of college.

Because I can bet, Alex, this girl has deleted any picture showing her butt until, you know, she had a fucking metamorphosis of the ass that I bet happened overnight right after her fucking vacation pictures that she took in the Dominican Republic. How fucking convenient that you got a butt in one night.

And guys, save the lecture, okay? I already know what you're gonna say. Same shit my fucking boyfriend says. You're beautiful already. You don't need anything. Thank you, but no thank you. Just because someone gets work done...

doesn't mean they hated themselves before or even that they were an ugly duckling. I mean, I'm pretty fucking close to perfect if it wasn't for like my lumpy, frumpy behind, you know? Sometimes we just want to revamp, reupholster, if you will, like fucking furniture. And there's nothing wrong with that. So save it.

I think the only thing that is keeping me from doing it is knowing my luck. I can do all the research in the world and I just know something is going to go wrong. Okay? And that's also partly because I'm paranoid and neurotic, but I will somehow come out looking beyond fucked up and that is really what makes me nervous. What about the fact that there is...

one in 3,000 deaths in BBL surgery. What? Yeah. One in 3,000 people will die while getting a BBL. So what about that? Guys, do we think... How about them apples? Do we think Alex is making it up just because she doesn't want me to have an amazing ass? Jealousy is a disease to which I say get well soon.

That was a real House Size of Salt Lake City reference. I really apologize. I'm just saying, if I wake up from BBL surgery wrapped up like a mummy in gauze pads and I look like a Bugs Life extra...

BBLs look so fucking good now, but there is an off chance that you end up looking like an extracted wisdom tooth. And if I come out looking like a tooth, then this show will be canceled and you will be seeing me on the next season of Botched and I will be upset for the

I understand. Like in a few years, the next big thing will wave in and I'll be sitting here with my Miss Incredible BBL butt. Yes. That bitch is thick as fuck. Yeah. That bitch's body is fucking fire. Okay. And I grew up with unrealistic expectations. So.

solely because of her. Thanks, Disney. I know. Thank you, Disney. Long story short, BBLs, they're haunting me. I see them when I'm awake. I see them when I'm asleep. I can't get away from them. I, in my nightmares, I'm running. And I just wanted to get your guys' take on it. If you have ever gotten one, DM me immediately, please.

I just realized I probably sound like the most insecure girl. And it's not that. I just need to feel better about my fucking self. Yeah, bitch. Like if you need a BBL, I need fucking too. So...

Shut the fuck up. I don't think that's how it works. But this is where transparency really should come in. I will be honest about everything that I do. And if you want to get some shit done, I say go for it. Do your research. Save your coins.

And fuck your Mountain Dew drinking boyfriend who says you don't need anything because I promise, and this is something that really fucking annoys me, he is drooling all over these girls on Instagram and their asses who are made out of silicone and filler. Yes. So do whatever the fuck you want. And thank you for coming to my TED Talk. Woo! A weight has been lifted. So something hit a little close to home the other day, Sloots.

I was talking to my boyfriend about how annoying it is when a guy follows a bunch of hot chicks on social media, especially when it's your fucking boyfriend. But then this motherfucker said something alarming. He was like,

Don't you think men just create fake accounts and follow hot girls on there? Ex-squeeze me. So not only did my boyfriend basically admit to me he has a whole fake account dedicated to other women, but also reminded me how shady men are and how filthy and just squirmy, wormy, weaselly. And...

maybe I've been teaching you guys to go about it all wrong because the amount of girls that write in about this Alex you see it all the fucking time men following hot girls on social media

Let's just talk about it. But let's talk about it if it's not your boyfriend and just some guy you were casually dating first. If he's following just a handful of hot chicks, it's whatever. Okay. So he follows Madison Beer and fucking Summer Rae. Who fucking doesn't? Okay. But if half the accounts he follows are cars and the other half are hot chicks, then

like he has that type of ratio set up, I am immediately getting a barely got his GED type energy. Some of the smartest people in the world didn't even graduate high school, get off my back. It was a fucking joke. OK, but for real, if you go and look and it's just all

All these sexy Instagram models sprinkled in with a couple of his best guy friends. No, honey. Yeah. There's no reason that a guy needs to be following every single girl that goes on the revolver on the world trip. Fashion. Oh, yeah. Fashion sense. No, you're horny and you're gross. Okay.

It's not a good look. Yeah, like if his entire feed is of half-naked women doing squats and hawking fucking bang energy drinks. The bang energy. The bang energy drinks. Talk about it. That is a dead giveaway to who this man is at his core. I just imagine this dude sits at home jerking off seven times a day or is a total player or just kind of a loser in my opinion. Like, do you have a personality? Yeah.

But it is never something you bring up obviously. I hope we can all agree on that. Yes. Although I'm sure there are girls who think after the third date, they can say something. No, you can't. But once they become your boyfriend, then that's where it gets a little bit trickier. Because, and you guys are going to hear a little inner conflict for me, okay? Because like, I don't,

truly fully know just exactly how I feel about this. I just think it's, I don't want to say embarrassing, but

distasteful when I'm scrolling through Instagram and I see my besties man liking all these half naked pics of girls that I follow and know. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's disrespectful. And yeah, actually, it is fucking embarrassing. Yeah. But you know what's the most embarrassing part about it? What? Is that none of these girls follow him back. Oh,

Oh my fucking God. Never, ever. Like they don't know he fucking exists. So like, what's the point? He's like fangirling. Yeah. It's the fucking cringiest shit ever. I don't understand it. The thing is, it becomes a reflection on you and that's where, and you guys are going to think I'm fucking crazier than you already do. I think you tell him to go ahead and make a fake account if he wants to follow hot girls so badly.

I really do. A, it's reverse psychology. B, it's not like he's ever going to get the chance to fuck Madison Beer. You know what I mean? It's not happening. And it's annoying because if you do bring it up in like a grown up healthy way and you're like, this is really bothering me and we've all seen this happen. It's just the double standard. He is just going to try to turn it around on you and he's going to say shit like,

Well, you follow Justin Bieber in like every single post and I've never said anything. Like, first of all, I've liked every single Justin Bieber post since he was born because I am older than him. Second of all, there is still a chance for us, okay? There is no fucking chance for you and Madison Beer. I just paid for your Chipotle yesterday in case you forgot. There's just no way that's happening, right?

I don't know. I don't know, Alex. Because then it's just like, if he's faithful and he's good to you, should it really fucking matter? I think there's a happy medium here. I think you can...

Meet in the middle with some parameters, okay? He can follow other hot women because you are a secure ass bitch. He just needs to do it tastefully. What does tastefully mean? I don't know. I'm about to fucking make it up. He's allowed to follow up to five hot girls, okay? Okay.

He's not allowed to like their pictures. He can only slide into their DMs. Oh my God. Because you won't see it that way. It's all for public show. No, seriously. He can only follow five hot girls. He's not allowed to like, comment, or DM them. And the girls have to be tasteful.

Okay, this is not me slut shaming, excuse me, salute shaming. This is just me saying there's a difference between him following me

you know, a girl with 6,000 followers and every single pictures of her asshole and Rihanna, you know? Yes. He can go watch porn if he needs to see an asshole. Okay. And if it's Rihanna's asshole, then by all means, like, comment, subscribe, DM her, whatever you need to do.

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Welcome class! It's SLU University. All of you psychology majors out there are going to be extremely fucking excited because today's lesson has to do with the brain. Not getting brain. Alex, you little creep touching yourself in the corner. The human brain. Not getting brain. Alex, you little creep touching yourself in the corner. The human brain.

We're going to be talking about a mental condition that I hold near and dear to my heart, not because I have it, just because I have come in close quarters with it. It is a specific personality disorder that I really have absolutely no business talking about because I am not licensed or a therapist or smart for that matter. But it is my fucking classroom and I can do whatever the fuck I want. Plus...

I did look it up in the DSM. It is not an abbreviation for Dick Sucking Manual. Okay. Jesus Christ. I feel like I'm teaching a bunch of kindergartners out here.

Just kidding. I would be even less qualified to teach a course on sucking dick. I hate giving head. Anyways, the DSM stands for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. If you've taken any psychology class in any way, shape or form, even in high school, you know what the fuck this book is. Before I dive into this, I just need to say this quick little aside.

I was using the DSM that my mom had used for her psych class in college. Ooh, medical professionals around the world are shaking.

And Alex looks over at me fucking disgusted and was like, under no circumstances, Sophia, can you be using an outdated version of the DSM right now? Yeah, dude, because you were using one from fucking four years ago. Four? This bitch was written in like 1981 or something. Okay, well, I'm the one that graduated with a psychology degree. What the fuck did you graduate with? Okay.

Sloot University, actually. President of Sloofy Kappa Sloot, bitch. Okay, so come at me. So yeah, this book was fucking outdated as shit. We burned it and we got the correct version for all of my sleuths. Okay, let's talk about narcissism, shall we? It really seems to be everyone's favorite word these days. And...

Just because someone has a huge fucking ego and doesn't give a fuck about you. Yeah, I'm talking about your ex does not necessarily mean they are a narcissist. Everyone is calling someone they know a narcissist. And I am one of the people that used to do this shit. I would post selfies and write narcissist in the caption. I remember because I thought it was funny. And the reality is there is nothing

way more to it. Trust me. I spent like three months of my fucking life researching it. Alex, you were there after a particular incident happened that left me feeling super fucking confused. So...

What the fuck is a narcissist? Great question. The most basic definition of a narcissist is someone who acts like they are significantly better than others, has a need for admiration and lacks empathy. Okay. AKA someone who truly believes they are the hottest shit since sliced bread and the coolest thing to walk planet earth.

They cannot survive even two fucking seconds without some external validation of some kind. And they can't comprehend why you're sad or upset or they don't know how to care. They're incapable. They don't care if your grandma just died.

Okay, this is the type of friend that's like, it doesn't matter that your grandma's dead in a casket. You guys had plans to go to the club and stop being a pussy. Your grandma will be there in her grave the next time you want to fucking throw flowers on that shit.

There are some other traits, though. Maybe these can help you spot a narcissist or understand why this horrible fucking person in your life acts the way they do. Well, since I'm the one that actually graduated with a degree in psychology, let me let me give one. Go off, queen. Okay.

Narcissists will take advantage of you and even those closest to them for their own personal gain. Absolutely. They are also entitled as narcissists.

fuck and have completely unreasonable expectations on how they think they should be treated. And if you disagree with them, you're the one that's in the wrong. Always. They love to exaggerate the fuck out of their accomplishments and talents. But at the same time, they're also significantly envious of others.

which I found really interesting. They're the ones that are constantly asking their boyfriend if their friend is prettier than them type shit. I want to add my own.

That sounds like I just made one up and I just want to add it. No. Narcissists will steal your identity because they have no core identity of their own. They're kind of like robots. It's like some ex-machina shit. I'm dead serious. They will take...

your personality and wear it like a fucking sweater. They will take the things you say, the shit you wear, music you like, your social security card, like you fucking get it. Look at their past relationship history. How long have their relationships lasted? Does

Does this guy or girl go through a different friend group every single year? Do they talk to their family still? Is there any relationship they've had that has lasted longer than, you know, a year and a half? I think that's like a really good one. Yeah. So there's narcissism 101 for you guys. And not every narcissist... Okay.

Okay, just a little disclaimer here has narcissistic personality disorder, which is what we are describing. There are different severities to it.

But they are out there. They are fucking out there. And they will find you and hunt you down and kill you. Hide your kids. Hide your wives. So what do you do? What are you supposed to do if someone in your life is a narcissist? Because trust me, they can and they will fuck shit up in your life. So this is my advice. If you can't sever the relationship completely, or maybe you just don't want to because you're just...

that type of bitch and you like living life on the edge and you have a fucking death wish. I do have some pointers for you though. And I mean this with the utmost respect. Treat them with love and care the same way you would your new car. Okay, that's how you have to like approach these types of people. So...

Number one, don't engage. Number two, don't try to have deep conversations. And number three, don't try to defend yourself. Don't bother trying to get them to understand that what they're doing is wrong. It's not going to work. Nothing is ever their fault and they can't self-reflect. Yeah, that's a great point. Like,

They always play the victim card. Always. Like they could be the ones that cheated on you and somehow it was your fucking fault. Oh, that is such a good fucking example. And you're going to be the one to apologize. You're going to apologize to them for you cheating and you didn't even fucking cheat. That's literally how good they are. You can tell them what behavior changes you want made.

That's like actually I think something good to point out. You can do that. But explaining the why of why you want them to change their behavior is just fucking pointless and never get emotional in front of them. If they see you get emotional, they're going to use it against you. They can overpower you because because you are an empath.

And they are not. And they can use it to their advantage. Try to control your emotions the entire time. Let them say what they need to say so they feel good and leave it at that. That sounds fucking horrible. Basically, what I'm saying is be okay being fucking miserable in the relationship, honestly. That's how a relationship with a narcissist works. So before we wrap up this segment, I want to leave you guys with a little gift.

Because I am not offering extra credit this semester. Believe me. You guys took advantage of me last time, all right? There's no teacher's pets anymore. I'm going to leave you guys with a prayer. And this is not a Catholic college. We are non-denominational. But sometimes praying is good, okay?

I saw this prayer on TikTok somewhere and it is just so fucking spot on. And I'm going to try to read it without fucking laughing, even though that is how we deal with trauma here, folks. Okay, we laugh. A narcissist prayer.

that didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. Holy shit. How many times have you heard those exact lines before? Too fucking many. That fuck

Fucking prayer is just so spot on. Bottom line is, guys, just don't stay. They will not change. And don't lose yourself. And that's it, sleuths. Class dismissed. Moving on.

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There is an epidemic going on, a pandemic, if you will, and it has been plaguing us far before the Corona, Extra, Lyme, and Delta Gamma Chi, Dolce & Gabbana viruses. I mean this in the most wholesome, older sister way that I possibly can, but I have to ask

What the fuck are you guys wearing nowadays? All right. I am no fashion icon. I can attest to that. I live in my door pants. I still wear 2008 Uggs on a regular basis. I don't care what the weather is outside, but I know a thing or two in my old age. I'm just going to say it outright. I

Get rid of the Apple Watch, men and women. Sure, it's cool if you're tracking your workouts or how many steps you're taking in a day. Great. We love fitness. It's even cool to wear to fucking class. Fine.

But other than that, take it the fuck off, people. Stop wearing it to the bar. Stop wearing it to your sorority formal. Stop wearing it on dates. It's not jewelry.

You look like a fucking spy kid. Carmen Cortez. Junie Cortez. I'm being serious. Imagine you are at fucking Ruth Chris Steakhouse with Dave and you are aggressively tapping that little ass screen on your wrist because your watch just lit up and reminded you to breathe. It's embarrassing and I'm not going to put up with it anymore. Okay? The only...

only thing I will give an Apple Watch credit for, you can use that shit to cheat. And I don't mean on your boyfriend. I mean, in fucking school, because they don't make you take that shit off during an exam. And basically, you just take photos and send it to your watch. You did not hear it from me, though. You heard it from my brother. Blame it on him. And aside from that,

Apple watches are truly ugly bitches. Hard six at best, okay? Anyways, that's that on that. Next up, dirty Air Force Ones. Basically, the white Nike sneaker that every single girl has.

I don't know what's so appealing about completely trashing a pair of crispy, bright white, just been bleached sneakers.

and making it a personality trait. The dirty forces are usually paired with the Apple Watch, actually, and accompanied by a Brandy Melville tank, denim shorts, and a black cherry white claw. You know who I'm talking to, okay? Get a pair of fucking Vans or my personal favorite to just completely trash, Keds. What the fuck are Keds? They're like little white...

white. Are those your fucking nurse shoes? Oh my God. Yeah, trash those. And by trash, absolutely throw them in the trash. They do look like fucking nurse shoes. That trend needs to die. Okay, they're cheaper and they're meant to withhold the damage you're doing in your fucking wherever the fuck you guys go.

To the swamp. I don't know where you take those little ass feet. To your shitty college bar that smells like a urinal. And while we're on the shoe train, I need to add in any and every form. I'm scared to say this because Alex is about to fucking jump across the table and punch me. Dino stompers. And I don't even want to explain it. You know what I'm talking about. Alex, please stop.

I know you're the president of this club. Any of those sneakers or shoes or boots with that obnoxiously huge, chunky platform on the bottom needs to go. This is not the Met Gala. And those are not Rick Owens. Okay, fucking bitch. I'm short. Okay. I need to pull a Bruno Mars and wear platforms.

It's not my fault you're a fucking tree, okay? All my pants drag on the floor. What do you want me to do? Pull a fucking Bruno. Alex, you and I both know your height has nothing to do with why you wear those fucking bad boys. You can hear them shits coming from a mile away. Okay, guys. I really hope you took that

in stride and know it's just love and feel free to roast me slide into my dms make fun of fucking everything i wear because i'm sure i have my fair share of cringy shit that i do and i say it because i love you okay and i just want us all to be great look great feel great and unfortunately you just you can't do any of those things if you partake in any of the shit i just talked about let

Let me know if there's ever anything I do that's cringy, okay? Everything you do is fucking cringy. But guys, I would like to say just because Sophia can't pull it off doesn't mean that you can't.

Okay. I'm talking about the shoe. I'm talking about the platform. Alex feels personally victimized. Yeah. Maybe that's what it is. Okay. I don't have the confidence to try new things and new trends. And maybe I should look in the mirror, but fuck your Apple watch. Okay. Give it to yourself or fucking hide it under your cardigan, whatever you need to do. Okay, guys, we are helping each other.

And that's why we're moving into SOS, save our sleuths, questions, stories, and advice. Okay, first question. Dear Sophia, I am a guy who occasionally lasts way too long. Typically, that occurs after I've masturbated, thinking I'm Han Solo tonight. Get it, Alex? Yes.

but then get a surprise booty call. If I'm wearing a condom, I'll just fake my orgasm and everyone is happy. If I'm not wearing a condom, I don't know what to do. I'm completely hard, but for whatever reason, I'm just not going to come anytime soon. Do I just say, hey baby, I'm good. I don't want the girl I'm...

with to think I'm not turned on or that I don't like sex with her. Any suggestions? Well, you should probably have a doctor look at that. But like what? What's going on here? Like, did you build up a tolerance to pussy or what's up? A tolerance to pussy. Someone put that on a T-shirt immediately. TM, it's trademarked. You can't do it because I just fucking claimed it. Think that. OK, I have mentioned this before, but

I dated a guy where in the first month or two of hooking up, he would last around two hours and sometimes more. One time he fell asleep and I called him out on it later. Inside of you? Yes. Mid-fuck. Okay. Okay.

Me proclaiming like my pussy's so good. And I'm like, put his ass to sleep. Now he's calling me NyQuil. That's what it was. Thank you. But my point is, I kept going back to him. All right. I kept like going after the dick for two to three months. So if you're going to last an extremely long time on a booty call, who fucking cares, bro? Yeah.

It's a lot better than lasting two seconds. I can tell you that much right now. And if you're trying to say you're not going to be able to come at all, then that's like a completely different thing. Then I think we should just try to get you on a better schedule. Something my team gets mad at me for every fucking day. You and I both, buddy. Like what? Porn on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and vagina Friday?

The other Tuesday, Thursdays? No, I mean, like, let's just tweak the masturbation schedule. Find out, you know, the average time you get hit up for a booty call. What days? And just try not to masturbate or plan it. So it'd be like a little after a booty call. OK, do I mean, how late do you accept a booty call? I mean, I must be down bad if I'm accepting a booty call. So like.

Like 2 a.m.? Yeah. I think, honestly, after 1 or 2 a.m., you're in the clear. Yeah. Masturbate. Go ahead. Or maybe try masturbating in the morning if it's a Thursday, when I assume most booty calls happen. But you've got this. And if you want a really, really simple answer, I guess just use a condom every time so you can just fake it. If you're that worried, you know? Yeah.

Definitely don't be saying, hey, baby, I'm good. No.

I would be so fucking offended. I would rather he say like, I have a broken penis. I'm so sorry. And I'd be more likely to fuck you. If you said that, then hey, baby, I'm good. All right. Next. Alex, why don't you go ahead and read this one? Okay. Hey, Sophia, I really need to get your opinion. My ex who I dumped a year ago just sent me balloons for my birthday and a card asking friends.

Okay.

If you're wondering, homegirl, if it's a peace offering or bait, it's both, sweetheart. He's sending you a peace offering to bait you.

you into giving him that pussy. Exactly. Hook, line and sinker. There's no question. All right. It sounds like you're not trying to go back to this dude. So if I were you, I would just take a picture of the present, the balloons, whatever, send it to him and just say, thank you. And if you really don't want him to respond and keep trying to like fucking send you shit,

Say, P.S. Balloons are bad for the environment. That's what I think. Yeah, well, I think, honestly, any time an ex really reaches out and says for friendship. No. He's just trying to fuck. He's just trying to fuck. And if maybe he's trying to actually date again, I think that you could give him another chance.

This is why I have cheated on all of my exes except the guy I'm with right now. So I don't want to villainize him like that. So don't just take the whole dating app thing that happened and run with it and never talk to him again, in my opinion. I mean...

I would almost consider him talking on dating apps as cheating because they were dating. That's a really good point. But people can change, though. Narcissists can't, though. We fucking established that they cannot. Yeah.

Girl, you know exactly what the fucking balloons in a card means. He could have easily just sent you a happy birthday text. I mean, let's be real. Yeah. He's pulling out all the fucking stops, all the balloons, all the tricks. He's hitting up every Zurchers, Zurchers, party store, party city, all of it, all of it, getting all the fucking balloons. And it's because he needs that pussy back in his life. Don't indulge unless you want to have a heartbreak round two. OK, well, that's probably very true.

All right, next.

Tell us about your snowboarding experience. Dude, this bitch is literally going snowboarding twice in her life. I know it. Before we even answer this question, what is this question? Tell us about your snowboarding experience. I'm curious. There's some places that don't have snow. Okay. This is code word for something. You know how if someone's like, how was your skiing experience? Or they mentioned skiing. It means cocaine. Oh.

Is he asking me if I do coke? Because that is an absolute no. That's a no. But if you're really asking me how it feels to get off the fucking lift and slide down that perfect snow up at Snowbird and glide down the mountain and do S turns all over the place and just feel the frosty air and the wind blowing

hitting your face and the snow flakes. It's fucking amazing. Yes. And that is how you can tell I have not gone for the past three years. I honestly don't remember. Okay, but if anyone's in Utah and wants to go skiing, I love to go. So hit me up. And I'm going to join you guys. Are you sure you're not talking about cocaine? Yeah.

No comment. Okay, next. I could really use some advice. I just recently noticed that my boyfriend has the notifications for all of his apps for social media turned off. I happened to notice why I never see any notifications pop up. With a quick snap to him and a glimpse of his phone, I was able to put the pieces together. I honestly didn't even know you could do that.

What? Girl, where have you been? Do you have an iPhone? Where are you living? Android. Is that acceptable and normal or is that a big red flag? I need you, Slu. Thank you. And I love the show and you.

Alex, she didn't mention you, by the way. All right. Usually, I don't trust a man as far as I can fucking throw him. But this is totally 100% normal. Okay? I even have the notifications turned off for my texts and calls, let alone every single social media app. It's a huge fucking time suck to have that shit constantly popping up on your phone and

And, you know, I think my real advice is like, don't bring it up to him. There's not enough evidence here for you to like make cause a fucking scene. Okay. Internalized misogyny causes scene. You're defending him. Women are never causing a scene when they bring up things that are bothering them. By the way, I'm so fucking like PC. But...

I don't think that this is a big red flag. If anything, I think that just be a little bit more vigilant, you know, just kind of be on the lookout. Maybe peek over at his phone here and there and see who he's texting or who the fuck is on his Snapchat menu.

That's what it's called, right? Yeah. Even though peeking over at someone's phone is the most disrespectful fucking thing that you can do, honestly. Even if I'm laying on the couch doing nothing on my phone, just like scrolling Instagram, if I catch my boyfriend or my mother giving me a little side eye to see what I'm up to, I freak the fuck out.

Don't look at my phone. I look at her phone all the time, guys. You do? Wow. Your shit's way more interesting than mine. Okay, well, stop it. And guys, looking at someone else's phone screen, disrespectful. Okay, guys, thank you so fucking much for tuning in. Oh my God, what a fucking week. I'm so happy that I was able to share this episode with you.

I hope everyone is doing amazing. As always, Sleuths, you can follow me on all social media. So if you have an F, Franklin with a Y, the Our Attorney will get us out of everything collection. I'm telling you guys, I wear it every single day and I think it's the cutest shit ever. And I want to see you guys in it. Please do.

tag me or tag the Instagram page Sophia F Podcast and I want to post all of you guys looking like little sleuths. Okay? Alex, where can they find you? You can find me at Alex Franco underscore meow on every platform there is. Amazing. Every single one. Yes. Amazing, guys.

and like, comment, and subscribe to the show. And that's it. There's your to-do list. Love you, sleuths. See you next week.