36: Sloot Group Therapy ft. Nedra Tawwab 01:03:45

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Hi, Sloots. Welcome to Sophia with a motherfucking F. I have an incredible guest today. But before we get into that, I just want to go over a few things. First, I want to

merch. There is new motherfucking merch. It is so cute. Such good material. I have not changed out of this hoodie in, oh, I don't know, four days. And I wish I was exaggerating. Probably a sign that I need to talk to someone. But whatever. Perfect timing. Please check it out. We are going to be doing some giveaways and other fun stuff coming up. So stay tuned.

Also, let's address the deal. I did not think I would talk about it, but I want to. It's so funny how a year ago, every single person was saying I was such a greedy bitch for wanting more than 500K.

Yeah, because I knew this shit was worth $60 million or even $80 or even $100 million if you were to include merchandise, alcohol rights, everything that comes with the brand, which I'm assuming those things did not come along with the deal, but I cannot comment on that.

The things that I was accused of. I was never happy with the deal points. Sophia always wanted more, more, more because I understand leverage. I really do. I fucked up in trusting someone who I truly thought was my best friend and they undercut me and did not like that I was speaking up for what I thought we were worth and I

That's it. That's the bottom line. So everyone's saying, oh my God, Sophia doesn't understand intellectual property, blah, blah, blah. No, I understood it the entire time. I just can't control someone going behind my back. And that is a lesson I will take with me to the grave. But let's move the fuck on because that is what happens in this business and in life.

I do want to say thank you to every single person who has stuck by me, believed in me, supported me during the darkest time in my life. I am so excited for my new endeavor with Sloot Media, Sophia with an F.

This has turned into something so fucking beautiful. And that's because of you guys. I know it sounds cheesy, but because of you sleuths, for real. So thank you. I believe in myself, my brand so fucking much, just like I did then. And let's take this shit to the top. Can we move on to the funny, self-deprecating, dark humor shit? Please.

So this is what I did. I indulged in some very, very healthy coping mechanisms. And by that, I mean, I went ahead and got obliterated with my friend in her basement. And we had the bright idea to go on Omegle. Like I was at a fucking 10th grade sleepover. Do you guys remember that site?

Okay, for those people who don't know what Omegle is, it's a website where you can randomly video chat with strangers from all over the world. It's the same shit as Chatroulette for all my oldies here. I'm talking to myself. And it sounds really sweet in theory, but if you were to log in right now, I guarantee you it's just endless dicks.

No exaggeration for every one normal human you see, there are 20 dicks falling. And as soon as you get paired with someone, they're already rapidly jerking their dick in the camera with that stupid little face guys make when they're masturbating. Now,

may have been a sad, depressed bitch at the time, I have never been a dumb bitch, contrary to popular belief. And as I was video chatting with all my new besties on Omegle, I was being a true saleswoman. I was telling...

Every horny dude. I have the receipts to prove this, by the way. Every horny dude that I would flash them my tits or ass, whatever they prefer, only if they went to SophiaFranklin.com and subscribed to the show.

I even like offered up my friend who was doing it with me because I know how it is. She has a nice D cup. I have a B cup and I wanted it to be enticing. I was like a used car salesman. You want the Range Rover or Maserati? I got you. I've got both.

There were a couple dudes that entertained me for two seconds, but pretty much all of them clicked next on me right after I said that.

Probably because Precum was dripping out of their wee-wees already. But I think I got a few sales from it. Somebody check the podcast reviews and see how many people say they found my podcast through Omegle and are waiting for a pussy shot because I will send it. Desperado. So anyways, you guys, that is my little update. Thank you for being patient with me last week. Let's talk to my guest.

She is a world-renowned therapist with more followers than me, as she should, relationship expert, and a New York Times bestseller, Nedra Tawwab. We've got a mix of real-life professional advice and a lot of toxicity towards the end, so buckle the fuck up. ♪♪

Nedra, it is so nice to finally meet you. I have to admit, I was stalking your Instagram for two hours before I even jumped on this. And every single post, I'm like, I need to write this down. I need to memorize it. I need to change my life. So I am so glad that you are here. I'm so glad that you are here.

would love to hear from you just a little bit of background as to why you kind of chose the career path that you did. Well, I've been a therapist for 14 years. And one of the questions I'm asked most is, how did you know you wanted to be a therapist? And I like to believe I became a therapist or wanted to become a therapist when I saw my first client.

Before then, everything was practice. It's like you can play operation, but you don't become a doctor until you're operating or you're like in that space. And that's when you decide like, I actually like this.

And it just felt really good. It felt really good to be in a space, awkward, but good. Like two people sitting across from each other and the one person is like, what do I say next? And I'm like, what do I ask next? And...

It just it just flowed and you could see the power of just having someone listen to you and being able to talk through issues. It was just like, wow, this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Yeah. You know, for a moment there.

And my listeners are going to be like, Sophia, please don't be saying this. But I also wanted to go into therapy too. My aunt is a clinical psychologist. And to give you a little bit of background as well, my mom had me in therapy at a very, very young age. I was raised by a single mother. And I think my mom...

maybe just like a little bit of guilt, but she wanted to make sure that I was okay growing up without a father figure. And so therapy is like my home. Like she had me in therapy and diapers. I remember playing on the floor with toy cars, talking to a therapist, you know, I think I kind of wanted to go into it. And if I'm really thinking about it, podcasting and what I do is kind of a form of therapy, right? I'm like giving advice, not on your level at all.

I don't have the degrees. So anyone listening at home, do not take my advice that seriously. But that's so interesting to hear you say when you're in a session with a client, you

you were kind of worried about like there would be a little bit of awkwardness like on your end. Like, do I know what to say? You're still getting used to it because I think I became really great at being a therapist or better. I won't say great, but better, you know, after some years of practice because you're still...

to figure out how much do you take from your education, how much of your personality to put into it. Can you use a little bit of humor with this person? What, you know, what things can you talk about that they'll get really upset about? So you're still learning so much in the beginning. So everything is new. It is, you know, you have all of these skills, but it's like, I don't know which one to use right now. That's so interesting.

Interesting. I've never thought about this. Right. And you kind of have to read the person. I mean, you're having...

personalities on all ends of the spectrum, right? And so you kind of have to figure out with each person what works. Absolutely. I like what you said about this podcast being a form of therapy because there are so many positions that people have where they serve in a therapeutic capacity. You know, I think about hairstylists, makeup artists, barbers, um,

Those people are constantly talking to people about their problems in an unofficial capacity. My hairstylist is like, please leave a stack of your cards. Please leave a stack because I get so many things that come up with people because we do like to talk.

And the really funny thing is telling someone to go to therapy. It's like, oh, my gosh, I don't want to go to therapy. And it's like, girl, you're already in therapy with your friends. You're already there. You just need someone who can really fine tune those things you're talking about. Absolutely. That is so interesting because.

even now, I think it's a lot better. But I think there's still a little bit of a stigma around therapy. I've noticed it specifically with men because I was having a conversation with my boyfriend the other day and I said, you know, I think therapy could be something like really good for you. And he, you know, he he completely supports it, but he's never seen a therapist once. And it's like,

well, baby, I'm sitting here giving you therapy like every single day. Like imagine if you just spoke to a licensed professional. You know what I'm saying? That's so interesting you bring that up. Yeah, I think it's still, unfortunately, it seems like a weakness to have to talk to a therapist to...

even mention that yeah my therapist said the other day it's like what's wrong with you it's like nothing is wrong with me and that's why you're getting this very healthy well-balanced person because there's actually nothing really big going on because I talk to someone on a regular basis now if you really want to see something

You know, I would love, you know, for people to be able to talk about therapy in a way that has no stigma attached to it. But unfortunately, we are still in a space where it is very problem focused and a large piece of me.

creating content on Instagram was to introduce people to therapeutic concepts in a very real world way. You only think about all our therapists want to talk about is your childhood. Therapists also want to talk about racial trauma. They want to talk about your body image issues. They want to talk about, oh my gosh, I have too many pairs of glasses. Which ones do we want

to talk about everything. It's my job. I am paid to do it. And it's funny when my clients are like, I'm so sorry to talk about this again. I'm like, no, you, you can talk about it as much as you want to. Right. You're paying me to listen to this. That's so funny. And sometimes I will notice that I will start talking to my therapist about things that maybe aren't as, and I'm doing this air quotation marks for my listeners, intense things.

And I'll talk about more mundane things. And that's okay, too. Absolutely. I had a session with my therapist where I was showing her my houseplants. So... Because you... By the way, your houseplants are gorgeous. I'm like turning the camera. And I'm like, look at these. And this is what I've had for six months. Like, you know...

You know, it's therapeutic to have houseplants. It's therapeutic to have joy. Like, I'm excited about this. Your houseplants are so gorgeous. They are benefiting from the therapy, I can tell. Yeah.

They're stunning, which I love that you mentioned that. There's different forms of therapy that are not therapy. You just said houseplants. Can we talk more about that? Like what other? I think another one, and I've been telling my mom this because my brother and I are both, well, I'm not leaving for college. Hello, Sophia, I'm 28. I'll be moving back to New York. My brother's going to be leaving the house for college soon.

And I keep telling her, I think you should get a dog. They're so therapeutic. And she's like, I don't get that. Like, what does that mean? But you just said houseplants, dogs, like there's other things that can be therapeutic. What other things do you think, you know, with your expertise can be therapeutic aside from a therapy session? Well, I think living things such as pets, houseplants, gardening,

They teach us to consider something outside of ourselves because when we are experiencing loneliness, depression, anxiety, all of these things, we are self-focused. We are so tuned into, I feel this, this made me feel this. And just having something externally to take care of, it really does get you out of your head. It's a healthy distraction.

conscious of the type of things that you listen to, podcasts, the things we watch on TV. There are so many TV shows. If we really think about why do I feel connected to this character? What touched me about this movie? That could be a therapeutic exercise, right? If we journal about those things, we are essentially giving ourselves some sort of therapeutic analysis, right?

When we think about journaling in general, I know journaling, people have a love-hate relationship with it. Either you meet the person who's like, I have my journals from first grade, or you meet the person who's like, I cannot consistently journal.

And I tell my clients all the time, if you journal once a year, that's consistent because you do it once a year. That's a pattern. Oh, okay. So I don't want you to feel like, oh, I have to journal every day. Now it's beneficial to do it every day, but what stops most people from journaling is how we journal. It takes so much out of us to write down all of the problems for our day. What if we focus on joy journaling?

When you write down something that you experienced that made you feel good that day, we can journal one word, one sentence, one paragraph.

one page. It is really up to you because it's your process. Aromatherapy is a beautiful practice. When we bring in essential oils and organic and healthy candles, because some of them are not, but candles made with organic materials, our memories are attached to what we smell here, taste. And we can start to associate

joy and good things with certain smells. We can associate relaxation with lavender. And so those things are therapeutic. I could go on and on. There are so many things that we could do throughout the day that could be therapeutic. One thing that I think is really therapeutic is sometimes not answering that phone that we have. You know, that's really therapeutic. Thank you. Thank you. That's the bit that is so huge, right? Yeah.

First of all, all of those things you mentioned, I know that they exist and then I just don't utilize them. Right. And that's like the biggest thing, because you forget you got like so caught up in your life and you forget to do those things. But.

You never forget to be on your phone. How do you implement a healthy relationship with the phone? One of the strategies that works the best for me is putting the phone in a different room. I did this yesterday and my husband called me twice. He was like, you are no longer my emergency contact. I was like, oh.

I'm like, we need a house phone. You're like, baby, you have 911. That's what you have, okay? But...

I just, I set the phone, you know, in my bedroom and I went downstairs and I was, you know, hanging out with my kids, watching TV and all of this stuff. And I forgot about it. And that's the easiest way to forget about it is to not have it. Because now it's a part of our life. If the thing is around, the thing is set up for you to be engaged. It's blinking. It's looking all cute with its case. It just wants to be touched. Right.

So if you don't want to touch it, you really have to turn it off, put it in a different space and be very intentional about, you know, just having some time away. We're not breaking up. We're just we're just having space. We're just taking space from each other. Right. Right. I when you said turn off the phone, I got anxiety. Yeah.

I was like, I'm not turning off the phone, but it's such an unhealthy relationship with a phone. Even doing a workout. I've stopped mid workout, you know, to take a phone call. And it's like that yoga session. You didn't get what you needed out of that. You know, yoga is therapeutic. You didn't get that therapeutic greatness that comes with yoga because you stopped in the middle to like text your friend back.

So I think that's really important. And I want to go back to something you said about different things that can be therapeutic. And I kind of want you, Nedra, to give me a little bit of a therapy session. This is a selfish thing. That's why I brought you on here. Not for my listeners, for me to get this session. But I had something traumatic that happened a year ago about...

And you mentioned something about why do certain characters, you know, on television, like, do we resonate? And when this traumatic experience happened, I watched Real Housewives of New York all day. I would wake up. I would turn it on. I went through all nine seasons in like a few weeks.

And it was my form of therapy. Like it was very comfortable for me. And I think that's so funny. You say that I would be watching and I, are you familiar with Real Housewives of New York? I'm not sure if you watch it, but I watched it years ago. I don't know who's still on there. There's a few people, but I just remember being like, oh my gosh, like Sonia, like

Luann, these are my girls just in my family room, you know? So this traumatic thing, and I don't need to get that into it. My listeners have heard it a million times. I just had a public drama that happened. And I've been very resilient throughout the whole process, but I don't feel like I've fully gotten over it.

There's still little things here and there that I noticed that I do that stem from that traumatic experience. Right. Like when that was happening every day, I would wake up and I would be so scared about what was being said about me in the media that day or by my ex-employer. And, you

yeah, I just it's been a year later and I feel like I should be totally healed and like ready to go. And I just don't feel that way. And I wanted to get your thoughts on that. I don't know if we heal from everything. And I know that there is no timeline for healing. We want it. I've seen people experience, you know, death, you know, and they'll say, you know, my mother died last week and I need to go back to work. How do I get over this?

And I think, you know, you're 28. Imagine having a mother for 28 years and you want to get over her in two weeks. It's not going to happen. It's not happening. No, it's not happening. It's one of these things that is so uncomfortable that we just want to be rid of the discomfort that we're like, I don't want to be triggered by anything. I don't want to feel anything. But yeah,

Being a human is traumatizing at times. And a part of that trauma, it stays with us. It doesn't have to debilitate us, but pieces of it may stay with us over time. If we are treating it and if we are trying to heal, it does subside.

And we can be better about certain things that trigger it. For example, if it is associated with a place, a person, or even getting online, over time, you can do it and think about it in shorter bursts. Or sometimes you'll notice it doesn't even come up. It does get better. Does it completely go away? No. I know that sometimes, oh, this is how I know that people...

they need to work on in therapy because sometimes I'll have people come to therapy and say, well, I don't know what I need to work on. And we go through this whole intake process. The things that you need to work on are the things that you feel a

huge emotional reaction and attachment to. And I noticed that in how we speak, because sometimes we'll start laughing, our speech will speed up, or we'll start crying, our legs start shaking, you know, all of these things. And I'll say, well, what's that? Well, no, this just, you know, I'm over this. Okay, well, your body isn't. Your body isn't over it yet. Oh my gosh.

That's fascinating. Your body isn't over it. And so that's one of the things that we probably need to work on. It could be something as simple as being fired from a job or losing a friendship that was really important to you or your dad not being, like any of these things that you feel like every day, this does not impact me. And it's like, well, the way that you're responding, it seems like it's something there. Whenever you're ready to

I'd love for us to dig into it because I see something there. When you talk about it, you try to talk over it really fast, which is that you haven't done that with anything else, but now your speech has changed. So it's, it's important to, to notice those things because as we are healing, that will slow down. And I'm,

I'm able to say to people, remember when you couldn't even talk about this without crying? And look how you're able to speak about this thing that's still traumatic and still painful. But the way you're handling the discomfort is different. And that is the healing. It's not that you don't have memories or that something has gone away. It's the way that you handle the discomfort.

Right. And even just from a young age, like I just remember feelings of discomfort. There's something wrong with it. Right. And so I'm like trying to cover it up, whether I mean, now that I'm older, it's like I'll have a glass of wine because I'm

I don't want the discomfort there or whatever it may be. And we have to get okay with feeling discomfort. Yeah, we can't get rid of it. I think sometimes in our attempts to avoid it, we prolong it. Because when you really try to force yourself to get over something, it just spills over into other areas because you're not healing.

You're ignoring. And that's not the same as healing, saying I don't have a problem. I don't have a problem when you have a problem is problematic.

And so often we do that because we just want to be done with it. And that is why we turn to alcohol. We turn to so many other things because we want to just feel better. And the feeling better sometimes comes with feeling really, really bad and then getting a little bit better. But I think that's where that

therapeutic support comes in. Because when you can have someone sit with you without trying to make you feel better, it's really helpful. I've had people, you know, cry a whole session and say, I've never been able to cry like that with anyone because most people, they want you to stop it. You know, nobody wants to watch Sophia cry for an hour. Well, some people do. The people that hate me on the internet do.

But maybe, but maybe. But the people who love you, you know, they're going to. Oh, it's OK. Like, what can we do? What do you need? Like and really what you need is to cry for an hour. Right. I don't need to shut up. I just need to sit here and cry. Right. I need to wet your shirt, girl. Can I use the bottom of your shirt for my nose? Yeah.

Exactly. Don't tell me anything is running down my chin. That's what I need.

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Your Instagram page is fabulous. I feel like it's a therapy session in itself. Thank you. You talk about being a boundary expert. And can you tell me a little bit more about that? Like, what do you mean by that?

So, you know, for therapists, there is not a lot of theoretical framework that supports boundaries. We're taught a lot about cognitive behavioral, behavior modification, thought stopping, all of these things, all of these frameworks that are beautiful, that are wonderful and so, so helpful, which I think, you know, certainly help with boundaries. But what I noticed is

early on in helping people is that so much of what we need to really address the relationship issues, sometimes to address anxiety or depression, is around the work of boundaries. Because

When situations are bad, yes, it's really helpful for me to, you know, say, well, think about the situation and what could you, you know, how could you think differently and all of this stuff. But the thing that you need to do differently is set a boundary. You know, how do you meditate your way through, you know, this dysfunctional family dinner? But also, should we be there? Right.

Absolutely, yes. So it's setting boundaries

in your life and with yourself, right? Most of the boundaries that we need are with ourselves. We said, you know, before I wrote, you know, set boundaries, find peace. A lot of what I read about boundaries centered around, you need to tell people this and you need to do this to get them to respect your boundaries. And that's all great stuff.

But the biggest boundaries are the boundaries that we have with ourselves because we pick the people, we have the relationships, we go to the interviews, we date the people, we decide to have a relationship with this family member or, you know, with this situation, with social media, with all of these things. So it is us who really need to think about the boundaries that we're having in these spaces. Yeah, you know, fantastic.

For me, I just recently in the last year started my own company and I'm my own boss. And I am running my company like a lunatic. Like I my hours are insane. I'm just like learning as I go.

And I think that I need to start implementing really strict boundaries for myself that I stick to, you know, because that's a whole other part of it is sticking to the boundaries.

But I selfishly like want to ask you, like, if I feel like my life is in disarray business wise and just with my schedule and stuff, like, how do I get my shit together? And that's the best question is like, Nadra, tell me how I get my shit together in two minutes. I would suggest the following exercise.

What are your values? What are your core values in the areas of family, friends, work, travel, health, mental health? What are your values? And I would say for each category, come up with maybe three. I like that. I'm writing it down right now. And I think when you're clear about

about what you want. And your value for work could be to make as much money as possible. But that make as much money as possible, that might be why you're working without any time restrictions, right? So maybe the value could be make as much money as possible and be rested. Yeah.

Wow. What a concept. What a concept. Yes. Yeah. So that means to be rested, you have to sleep eight hours. So there has to be time in your schedule where you say, OK, I have to go to bed at 10 so I can wake up at six. You know, like there has to be some sort of boundary around what you do next.

that links to the value. So it's hard to create a boundary without knowing what your intentions are. And sometimes we'll have, you know, like these boundaries and we don't even know why we have the boundaries. Like the boundary was handed down from our great grandfathers or something. It's like, where did you get this? You know, it's like old laws on the books. What is this? Oh my God, yes. Yes.

I think, you know, that happens a lot with people who are in business. It's like the old boundaries are you have to work all the time. You have to be on. You have to respond to things in five minutes. And, you know, there is a wave of new, you know, entrepreneurs who are saying, like, look, rest and work. Yep.

I will sleep eight hours. I will go on vacation without a laptop. I will, you know, like these are things that can be a part of who you are as well because

I think about rest as a restorative practice. Like, how do we do well? Like when I get sleepy, don't even talk to me because I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Like I might be like the cat is in the refrigerator. Like I don't know what I'm saying anymore. You might think I'm on a substance, but actually I'm sleeping. And sometimes I'll catch myself like, what did I just say?

I didn't mean to say that. I'm about to go to bed. Yes. Wait, I am the exact same way. You know, people talk about being hangry and they can't function properly. They're hungry. If I haven't slept, I'm a monster. I am a monster, you know? Yeah.

Yeah, it's like toddlers when, you know, when toddlers are misbehaving, parents are like they're sleeping. It's the same for us. We don't function well with five hours of sleep.

We don't function well. And I don't care how much coffee you have. We need rest. We do. We need rest. Yes. And I feel like there's been all of this stuff that's like team no sleep. Like we're not sleeping. We're out here making money. Like, please. Like, I mean, that doesn't work for me. Even five hours doesn't work for me. But if you're going to work smart, wouldn't it? Yes. You know, I think it's a wonderful thing to...

Put your business to a place where while you're sleeping, you know, perhaps there are other people working. Perhaps there are other things that are generating income while you're resting. It doesn't mean that nothing, you're not making any money or anything like that. It just means that you are rested. Yeah, I can't. I can't imagine that.

What that looks like longevity wise in your business when you are not well rested. It's such a beneficial practice. I've read some research that says when you are operating on five to six hours of sleep routinely, it's taking you longer to complete tasks. Right.

You're not even working efficiently because you're tired. You're staring at the refrigerator for 15 minutes looking for grapes. And looking for your cat that you put in there because you're so fucking out of it. Yes. Yeah. You're like, where is the cat? The cat? The cat? Not in the refrigerator. You know, so it's so important to think about those values and from those values, you know, consider your boundaries and

I understand you're in a building phase, but you can have some limitations with how you're building because it'll really make this a better situation long term. Absolutely. And I love also what you said about these imaginary boundaries and these feelings of I should be doing this. I should be doing this. And I think it's so important to take a step back and be like,

should you though? Where did this boundary come from? Is it serving you? Because I mean, I had made it a goal for myself to stop saying I should be doing something and kind of try to phrase it differently. Either I want to or it would be beneficial to me because all of these I should, I should, I should.

is very stressful and makes me feel like I'm not enough and I'm not doing enough, you know? Yeah, I would say with what I've seen of what you're doing, you're doing amazing. And I think if you do any more, that would just be a bonus. You know, I wonder what is your goal?

It is it's hard to have some sort of the ability to say no without knowing what your end goal is. Yeah. Or even your your your middle range. I don't want to say end goal because I think they're always changing. But it really does help to be clear about what the goal is, whether that's with work, if it's with a relationship, if it's if your goal with a dating relationship is to have a healthy relationship.

long-term relationship, that'll really determine who you date in the beginning.

Right? Absolutely. Okay. So if you're dating someone and you notice these red flags, this isn't going to lead to, you know, what your goal is. Now, if your goal is to just have fun and have a good time, then yes, this is the person you date. So just being very clear about those goals will help you determine, okay, this is what I need to do in this situation.

Yeah. To be clear on what your goal is, like how much that could help you. Nedra, I need to know how much you charge for a session because I wherever I can have start doing therapy with you like I'm signing up.

I already feel better. I'm like, oh, amazing. Yeah. But isn't that the power of talking to be able to just get stuff out in a unique way? And I think when you talk to therapists, one of the things I've noticed, my therapist has asked me some questions where I'm like, she didn't even give advice. She just asks a question that makes you think.

And it's like, I mean, it could be something as simple as, you know, why do you have a relationship with that person? And I don't have an answer, which is an indicator. I shouldn't have a relationship with that person. Yeah, absolutely. You can't come with one good reason. I'm like, yeah, I don't. I like their french fries. I like the way they look. Like, I don't know. Like, there's no reason. They're great to go shopping with. Yeah.

You're like talking about your husband. She's like, okay, no, we need more. We need a longer answer. We need more. Like, that's not... I'm like, yeah, that was such a good question that I've asked out of multiple relationships and it does really...

you know, help you think. So I think even the questioning process in therapy is just super helpful. It is. It is. I mean, when you asked me what my goal is and I was just kind of sitting there blinking, looking at you and I'm like, that's what I'm going to be doing right after this is figuring out what that is. But you are also, I have to say, as someone who's been going to therapy since I was one years old, you are a very active

very, very talented therapists. So, because there are some that, you know, are not as good out there as well. Please don't mention names. I feel so bad about my colleagues. No, I'm joking. I'm joking.

And Lisa, no. I'm like, do you know this person? You're like, stop, we're not. Okay, Nedra, it looks like we are running out of time. This was incredible. So insightful. Where can they find you? Because you just released a book also. Can we talk about that for two seconds? Yes. So my book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace is available anywhere that you can buy books, whatever your preference is.

It is a New York Times bestseller. And what I've been hearing about the book is I wish I had this book so much earlier in life.

Because the concepts, although they seem simple, they are not very easy to apply. And we need to practice this. And it takes years to start really getting good at practicing setting boundaries. So the book is really good. It is what I would have wanted to read. And I read it so many times editing it. And...

You're like, I know that book from cover to cover. Cover to cover. And I'll tell you, I was doing, I was recording an audio book and there was a piece in there that made me set a new boundary. I was like, did I write this? Oh my gosh, I've got to hold myself accountable. And I, yeah, I'm like, oh my gosh, a minute, let me set this boundary. Yeah.

So, you know, I think even when we think we're really good with boundaries, there is still something to do. And it's ever evolving. It's, you know, once you have kids, once a pandemic hits, when you get a new friend, you have a new role at work. Like so many things make it important to continue to practice boundaries. Right. Yeah.

I am most present on Instagram. That is probably the only social media app I am good at or decent at. You say you're not doing like TikTok. TikTok is not your thing right now. TikTok is not my thing. It's, you know, I tried to look into TikTok and I'm like, I need to hire my little cousin to show me how to make the video because...

I don't get it. Nedra, I have tried to do it and I should be knowing what I'm doing on social media. And I don't know what these kids are on. I don't I don't understand half the humor. Like, I don't know. But I like it. I just don't understand how to use it. And I'm probably not using Instagram to its maximum capacity. I'm like, what do I do? Just push this. OK, good. I'm out.

So, so Instagram, I am the most present and I am there at Nedra Tawwab. I post a lot of content about mental health relationships and of course, boundaries in my stories. I try to have some polls and quizzes and, you know, news articles and assessments and those sort of things because I

I think therapy should be accessible and unfortunately it is not. And so I really want to create a therapeutic space for

and have people come and get resources and take it to, you know, talk to them, talk to their therapist about these resources or apply them on their own or, you know, all of these things. I think we have to have resources. And so I'm just a resource on Instagram. Her Instagram page for anyone listening is it is a therapy session in itself. And you're so just well-spoken with these things as well. And

because a boundary sounds so simple, but you're just the way that you explain it and stuff is really, really incredible. So I will absolutely be buying your book. I will link all of her information in the bio. And Nedra, thank you. Thank you so, so much. This was incredible. You're welcome. Thank you.

Thank you.

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All right, sleuths, let's get into questions, stories, advice, please. Number one, love the show, kind of in a long distance situation ship. And I know eventually we will need to resort to phone sex slash FaceTime sex, but I can't work up the courage to even take off my sports bra. Where do I start? Okay, this is similar to the other question I answered. Listen, I get it.

I'm the same way. Sometimes you're worried to like show this guy your naked body. If you guys are in a long distance situationship, he has seen your tits before. I'm assuming you guys have fucked. So you don't need to be nervous about taking off your sports bra. He knows what your boobs look like. And he wouldn't be texting you long distance if he didn't like your areola. You know what I'm saying? You can call me old school, but...

I like it if the guy initiates these types of things. So I would kind of just try to like do different things to get him to like initiate the sex.

Like do little things to get him to say, I'm fucking horny and I want to have phone sex or whatever. For example, I would answer his FaceTimes right when you get out of the shower in a towel or let him know, yeah, I just took a shower. I'm like laying in bed all wet and then make a joke. Like not that kind of wet, but maybe because I've been thinking about you today. I don't know, some bullshit like that. Guys are horny and they will take the fucking bait.

Even if you just answered shit in a tiny little tank top or sending him, I am better with my words, way better with my words. I would rather sext than do phone sex. And I think you absolutely have to start there because I think that will help you like feel more comfortable and ease into it. Send him a little naughty text.

I've been thinking about you. I can't stop thinking about you. Send him like a little sexy picture, whatever you need to do. And just don't think too much. Don't second guess yourself. Okay. Just remember at the end of the day, guys want pussy and he wants to jack off and answer the fucking FaceTime with your labia in the fucking FaceTime. Like I don't even care what it takes. Just don't second guess yourself. All right. Next.

Oh, I love this one. I love the podcast. Not to be weird or creepy, but your butt is perfect and my butt is flat. I'm an absolute pancake. Is it naturally big or is it from working out? And if it's from working out, like what do you do? Squats, machines at the gym, resistance bands. Help my pancake self, please. Okay.

have a butt. I've always had a butt, not a perky one, not by any means. All of my weight goes straight to my ass. When I gain weight, my booty gets bigger. But my butt, for the most part, hasn't always been cute, perky, fun, set a cup on that booty, whatever the fuck we're all trying to get. Okay.

It's only a recent thing that it's been looking, I was about to say manageable.

It's only recently that my butt has been looking good and it is from working out. I wish naturally it was just like perky, but it's not. So this is what I would say. First of all, machines at the gym, I would rather cry and curl up in the ball in the corner of yoga class than go out and touch a machine at the gym. I don't know how to use them. I get anxiety in a gym because everyone's looking at everybody. I don't know how to do it. I do all of my workouts from home. I don't know how to do it.

I switch between high intensity workouts. I use the Sweat app.

and Pilates. Usually Melissa would help. I use resistance bands, sometimes weights. I get on the floor and I do donkey kicks and I do whatever the apps tell me to do. And also the other thing, and my mom always shits on me for this, is I only work on my butt. My arms are flabby. Everything else is like not toned. When I do a workout, I spend the entirety of it just working on my butt and that's all that I do.

So that's my advice there. But don't let looks be deceiving because if my ass looks amazing in a picture, I'm probably wearing like something that's making my ass look good in a picture or I'm photoshopping or I just worked out three days in a row before I took that picture. Like my ass is definitely not the

the perkiest thing, but it's looking better from working out. So I do encourage it 100%. Listen, I said this once and I'll say it again because I do want to inspire everyone listening. My ass used to look like it was hanging below a

14th Street and not in a good way, hanging to the back of my kneecaps, just cellulite chilling, no shape to it, diaper butt. Okay. And then I had to realize that something needed to be done because you know what? The older you get, the harder it is to change your body and what it looks like. So I started to take exercise seriously.

really in the last few months. Like it hasn't been that long. And people, I think when you go into working out, you're always thinking like,

What's the fucking point if it's going to take me two years to actually get the body I want? It doesn't take that long. Like I start to see a difference two weeks into it. I really do. So don't make it a big deal. Resistance bands, donkey kicks, squats, all the fucking ass exercises. They're really all pretty much the same at the end of the day. All right, next. Hi, Sophia. Thursdays are my favorite day of the week.

I need some advice. I am miserable at my corporate job and would like to work in social media or entertainment, preferably YouTube or podcast. How do I get the courage to start? Who should I talk to to get some advice? Woo! All right, girlfriend.

Here is some truth bomb. Truth bomb? Here is a truth bomb. I love how you said work up the courage because this is not like going out and finding another corporate job and running around and just like doing interviews.

Trying to launch a podcast or a YouTube channel, it is a tough fucking industry in the sense that you have to be unapologetically yourself. You have to get ready to open yourself up to the world and be ready for the world to shit on you in the process. You cannot care about what people think of you or it's never going to work.

Not even just people, but like your friends and your family, because your work will be up for public consumption at that point. And you need to have very thick skin. However, I believe that you can do it. I am a firm believer that if you are doing something that you love, the money will follow.

And not to mention, you can get started on it while you're still working your corporate job. I mean, I was doing the podcast while working my job in finance and I just would replace my hangover naps I was taking in the bathroom stall with me jotting down some segment ideas. Very doable.

I think the first step is to know what you want to talk about and what you want people to take away from your content. Doesn't matter if it's been done before. Everyone has a podcast. Everyone is doing makeup tutorials on YouTube. That shit does not matter. It's whatever you feel your strengths are and you have to hone in on them. If you make slime, great. Start a YouTube channel. If you have...

An obsession with birds. Start a podcast about how fucking cool birds are. Just make sure it's bringing value, whether it's funny, interesting, like, oh, I bet you guys didn't know that a blue jay fucks a mockingbird.

whatever the fuck it is, just make sure it's entertaining in some way or it's educational and start posting consistently. TikTok. Let's talk about fucking TikTok. You can go viral on the app with just one video. At least that's what I've heard.

But it really works like that. Find your passion and monetize it and it will take time and you can't get frustrated. It will not happen overnight. And that is another reason why you have to have legitimately unwavering confidence in what you're creating.

Another way to get started is reach out to the people doing what you want to be doing and ask to work for them. That is a great way to get your foot in the door. I actually had a girl track me down by DMing one of my good friends, John, and she ended up working for me. So girl, you've got this. And if all else fails, then...

Listen to the wise words of Lana Del Rey and fuck your way up to the top. And I'm only half joking because I do not judge people for doing that. And you know what? You will have Fashion Nova or fucking Sugar Ray Hare knocking down your door in no time. Okay? Okay. Okay, next. Hey, Sophia. I just started dating this guy who is very into butthole fingering and playing with the butthole.

I have never fingered any buttholes or have had my butthole fingered. I really want to try it, but I keep thinking, what if I get poop on my fingers? I need some guidance on how to finger a man's butthole. Love your show. You are the best. Holy shit. No pun intended. I feel like I need to remake the fucking Ten Commandments as they apply to the sleuths and the sexually active because...

This is the golden rule. If you are introducing butt sex in any capacity, whether it's anal, fingering, or you're just eating ass, there is a chance that things will get messy. There really truly is every single time. And let me just point out, this dude is the one who brought it up to you.

He is the one that, you know, suggested ass play. So he knows what he's in for. You don't need to worry about that. It is on him if poop becomes a factor, not you. Whosoever's poop it is should be held accountable in a court of law. Real men don't give a fuck if things get a little messy. They really don't. But I digress. Usually, if you are fingering a dude's butthole,

It should be in the middle of sex or you giving him head, right? Like you're not just like walking in the room, babe, pull your boxers down and grab the soap, bend over and assume the position. That's not how we're doing it. You guys are already in the middle of fucking either orally or vaginally or anally. Would that work? He's fucking your ass. Yeah, I guess it could work. Anyways,

like to start slow and do some foreplay, just like with a vagina. Imagine it's the same type of concept. A butthole is a butthole no matter how small. Start by rubbing his taint, which is, for those of you who don't know, the place between his ball sack and asshole. Lots of nerve endings there. Feels really, really good for a lot of dudes.

Then you creep up to the holy grail. Get it? Holy grail. Then once you're there, rub the outside of his actual butthole and let him know. Let him know where the fuck you're going with it. That is when you should stick a finger in, preferably the pointer finger, but up to you.

Stick it in slow. I cannot emphasize that enough. You're not trying to cut his butthole. You're not trying to, you know, scare the fuck out of him. Like it should, the same with anal. If a guy just shoves it in there, you're pissed, you know? So start slow. I would stick it a quarter of the way in, see how he responds and then keep it moving. Give him that inside spank.

And if he's loving it, inside spank, TM just came up with it. Moving on. If he's loving it, stick another one in.

And if he's begging for more, fisting is the next step. You get the progression and that's how you do it, ladies. And that is it for today. Wow. A little therapy session, a little toxic. That's how we like to do it around here. I love you guys so, so much. As always, please rate, review, and subscribe to the show. And don't forget my new merch collection, my new merch drop.

is kind of the best thing ever. That little white tank with the pink writing. I just want to put my hair in pigtails and suck a lollipop and just look like the sexiest, cutest little vixen. All right, I will see you next week.