Chapters
Shownotes Transcript
If you guys haven't noticed, I haven't had a new merch drop in a minute, but that is all about to change very, very soon. What you guys don't see is the madness behind the scenes and what shipping merch out really looks like.
Making sure you guys are receiving your items on time is beyond important to me and those that run businesses know exactly how stressful it can be. There's a reason why everybody uses ShipStation. ShipStation has made my life so much easier. I love being able to automate shipping tasks and manage orders in one simple dashboard and even print shipping labels with just the click of a button.
I am able to save thousands of shipping costs with discounts of up to 89%, you guys. And that's off DHL, UPS, and USPS rates.
So work less and ship more with ShipStation, the innovative tool that helps turn your shipping challenges into opportunities for growth. Go to ShipStation.com and use code SOFIA to sign up for your free 60-day trial. That's ShipStation.com, code SOFIA. ♪
Welcome, everybody. Welcome to SWATH. As always, if you could please rate, subscribe, and review the show. I mean, that's if you want my show to continue on. If you don't, then absolutely don't fucking rate and review, okay? I am...
flying solo this week all by myself. I have a very special guest lined up for next week that I think you guys are going to absolutely love. I do have my producer here, though, to make sure I don't get fucking canceled again. Hi, Alex. Hi, Sophia. And let me just tell you guys that is not an easy thing to do. You deserve a raise. I do. You do. You should tell my boss. I will. So we are in L.A. right now. It is warm, sunny.
sunny and it was a fucking two hour plane ride. So yes, I am completely fucking jet lagged. I don't know how I'm going to do anything that I have planned for this week, but there are some really exciting things that I will be doing and I would tell you what they are because I don't like to be annoying and just like be like, oh my God, like I have a big secret. You guys will figure it out when you do. Go to part two. Yeah.
That's not what this is. I just don't like announcing things because you never know. Maybe it doesn't end up happening. You know what I'm saying? Manifest. Manifesto. Okay. So, yes, I wish I was laying by the pool, but it is a work trip. I would love to know what the fuck Alex is here for because this bitch does not look like she's here to work right now. She's dressed to the nines. Okay. Like a little hoe. I am also here to work. Mm-hmm.
But if I happen to stumble upon someone with a large TikTok following. Vinnie Hacker. I can't. Two birds, one stone, baby. How old is he, Alex? 18. Which I. Fresh off the press.
all of like the go-to TikTokers are. It's just, it's really wild to me. He is 10 years younger than me. Okay. Well, I mean, my boyfriend is a little bit older than me. So anyways, guys, we're in L.A.,
But I spent this past weekend up in Park City. I stayed at the St. Regis, which I know sounds snobby, but it was the most magical, beautiful hotel I've ever stayed at up there. And I've stayed at all of them. And I just wanted to give them a shout out for absolutely no fucking reason because they're not paying me and they definitely don't need the money. But that's what I'm here to do. But if you want to splurge, I highly recommend. The point is...
I had a little bit of a situation while I was up there that I'm really not proud of. In fact, I'm extremely ashamed, very ashamed. Alex and I told you I was very upset about it. So I decided while I was staying up there that I was going to get some work in over the weekend. And I had Delaney, shout out, come up. She works for Sloot Media and we were going to film some content, do some strategy work.
And I initially was going to have her come up to the room, but then the room was being cleaned, blah, blah, blah. And so I just had her meet me at the bar. Again, setting gorgeous. And I'm sitting at the bar. I'm waiting for her. And I'm like, you know what? You know what would just make this a 10 out of 10 Instagram story post is rosé and oysters. You know? Here we go. Anytime a bitch has rosé or oysters in her story, it's like,
I don't know. That's the badge of ultimate Instagram story. So I order some rosé and I'm just going to tell everyone right now that was a big mistake. Big, big, big, huge. What is that? Donald Trump?
Is that what he says? Whatever. It wasn't a smart move. I never drink on an empty stomach. That is a recipe for disaster every single time I've ever done it. But I did it anyway. So we are working and...
God forbid I actually take accountability for any of my actions because this is what I was about to say. I'm going to blame it on the server. He was too attentive. Way too attentive. I would...
have a sip left of my rosé. And the second I took that last sip, he would be hovering over me with, you know, the little towel over his arm and a big fucking rosé bottle and would ask, hey, can I give you a refill? Can I refill? Can I refill? He's just doing his job. I know, but his job led me to do something I really, really regret. When
When you're drinking on an empty stomach, it does not take that much alcohol. I probably... That's true. Yeah. I was probably at three glasses at this point or four. Oh, God. Okay. So I invite Delaney to come to dinner with me and my boyfriend. Okay. Nice gesture. This is where things get really fucking scary. Okay.
I don't remember getting ready for the dinner and I don't I don't know how we got to the dinner. God knows what my fucking makeup looked like. I probably just went with no makeup. Fine. Probably hair and a ponytail. I was probably wearing like a bra as a shirt. I have no clue what the fuck I put on my body. I know for a fact my underwear was inside out. So we go to dinner and some
Someone sends over sake shots. Love. Once again, I have no choice. You had to. I had to take the shot and be nice. Yes. You know? The least you could do. You are an enabler. And I'm just telling you that right now. So we're at dinner and I run into my best friend,
which you guys may have heard me talk about before. And you know when you're drunk, Alex, and you unexpectedly run into someone you know, and it's like you freak the fuck out. Oh my God. Yes. It's the coolest thing to happen on planet Earth. It's like, oh,
Yes. I was screaming when I saw Misha. I'm pretty sure the entire restaurant was like, is it this girl's 21st? Like, what the fuck is happening? And they looked at you and they're like, no, that girl's at least 30.
At least. Thank you, Alex. So I was so excited and everyone listen the fuck up. I was so excited to see Misha that I fucking left with her. I left the restaurant. I ended up leaving Delaney, one of my new hires, okay? Who doesn't know me that well, let alone my boyfriend. I left Delaney and my boyfriend at the restaurant by themselves, okay?
Oh, so they were on a little date. I basically left them on a date. I was like their chaperone for their date. I just needed to make sure they got there. And I just left them there. And I'm really ashamed of my actions. That wouldn't have happened if I didn't have, you know, 12 rosés and 10 sake shots. I'm just pissed that she got to go on a date with him before I got to him.
Alex, you'll have your chance. Just I know he's going to break up with me. Look at the shit I do. Look at the shit I do. Of course, he's going to break up with me. Also, boss of the year award. I'm just I was a mess. I was a complete mess. So I I finally regained consciousness at like three in the morning. I'm at Misha's and I come out of my blackout to the sound of
rigorous fucking. No. And Misha and some guy are fucking on the bed right next to me. You were on the bed too? Yes.
I was like passed out on this side of the bed. Dude, I just imagine you waking up and just... Dude, they were going at it hard. In your ear? Yeah, if you ever want to bring someone out of a blackout, just fuck right next to them and that will wake them the fuck up. So I was just horrified at the whole situation because you know that feeling when you like come to and you don't know what happened. Yeah. And I was like... Petrifying. I was like, did I...
fire Delaney? Did I fire my boyfriend? Did I like cause a scene? Like what the fuck happened? Thank God it like wasn't that bad. Although it is bad what I did. So...
I ended up getting an Uber, going back to my hotel, freaked out at my boyfriend. Of course that he would allow something like that to happen. Once again, accountability, zero. Score, zero. And then I had to, you know, deal with the consequences the next day. Apologies all around. I should know better. Like, I'm not fucking 22 anymore. But alas, here we are. So that was just my little update.
I hope you guys don't judge me for that, okay? It was one indiscretion and I haven't acted that way or blacked out in a long time. So leave me alone, people. No one's judging me. No one's judging me. My show. So that was my weekend. If everyone is ready for actually the most jarring topic change you will ever hear in your entire life, listen to this segue. I am ready to have a baby. Okay.
Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. I've never felt like I wanted. I always knew like I would want one later, but I have baby fever now. I officially. Yes, I do. I've never had it before. I'm starting to look at babies and kids like I was laying by the pool and I was just watching these kids like bobbing up and down the water.
That sounds so fucking creepy. If I was a dude that just said that. Okay, but you guys understand what I mean. I don't know. I just, I have baby fever. That's it. Are you, you're just saying this because you want to make a fucking Instagram for it and make the captions like you're the fetus talking. And like, what the fuck would your kid even say? I don't fucking know. Like, hi guys. Or trimester or whatever. It's, I'm the size of an A.
Can't wait to meet my mommy. That's exactly what my baby would say. My baby would be like, I have fetal album. Thank you. I'm going to stay the size of an eight ball. Yeah, that was probably bad to mention that after that story. But I don't know. The thing is, Alex, to anyone thinking, oh my God, Tabea, you're not ready to be a mom. Is anyone ever ready to be a mom? Yeah.
No. I think most of the time it just happens.
All babies are accidents. You heard it here first, people. I mean, my mom had me when she was 21 years old. She was not ready to have me. And I think I turned out amazing. Look at me now. I'm doing great. Oh, yeah. No comment. It's just, I don't think you necessarily have to feel ready. And people, oh, I was like talking to like this guy and he was like, you need to have a kid for the right reasons. Yeah.
And I... What are the right reasons? Like, what the fuck is the right reason? Like, oh, so me not wanting to work anymore and be a stay-at-home mom and lay by the pool and have my pool boy, you know, hand me a charcuterie board and go to fucking Pilates and have a nanny playing with my kids in the pool. I think that's a perfect enough reason. Because...
You know what? The best mom is a happy mom. And that... You heard it here first. Happy wife, happy life. Exactly. So I just don't see where there could be like a wrong reason to have a baby. The only wrong reason that I can think of is when...
people have babies because they think that will make their baby daddy stay. Ooh, yeah. I've seen that and that I think is 100% not okay. But aside from that, I don't think people wake up one day with their lives figured out and they're like, now is a perfect time to have one. And if nannies are in the picture, like I don't see what the big deal is at all. Sophia's fucking staring at me like she's hinting at something. I love you, Sophia, but...
but I am not about to be your fucking nanny. I will be watching your baby from a 10-foot distance at all times. Sweetheart, I would never ask you to be my nanny. Are you kidding me? I don't need any more of the Franco blood around my child. No.
So that's it, guys. I guess I am pregnant and I'm going to have a baby. And I love I'm just like thinking about what the fuck I just said. And I love how I say I just want to have a baby so I don't have to work anymore. And I can just chill and relax when really I'm pretty sure having a kid is the hardest job in the entire world. OK, yeah. But, you know, you might not be the best mom, but your boyfriend would make amazing dad. Exactly.
And you guys, your kids would be cute. Right? I'll give you that. Okay, thank you so much. And that's really all that matters. They just need a good dad and they need to be good looking. Exactly. And the mom, as long as I'm happy, I won't watch them, but I'll be happy as fuck. Exactly. Because I won't have to work, but really I'll be chasing them around. It'll be like the hardest job ever. So moms listening, trust me, I am not downplaying the role of motherhood because I've heard it's a bitch in the most magical, beautiful way.
I mean, you think that Drake's baby mama, I know this is like random, but if you think that Drake's baby mama didn't have that baby so that she would never have to work again, you are sadly mistaken. It's an ATM baby. Look it up. You've never heard of Adam? Adam, ATM baby. No. It's a thing. And I bet you she is a wonderful mother and her intentions don't matter. All right.
That's all I have to say about having a baby. Now let's dive in. We are in a cost of living crisis, people, and everyone knows I am the queen of finding ways to save money. And that applies to my retail therapy as well. Rakuten is going to help you save money, period. I mean, it already has for me, so why wouldn't it for you?
It's the smartest way to save money when you shop because you earn cash back at over 3,500 stores. My personal favorites are Sephora, Saks Fifth Avenue, Wine.com, but I've also earned cash back on trips I've taken, home appliances, and even dining out with friends. It's truly the gift that keeps on giving.
And the membership is free and it's beyond easy to sign up for. So there's really no excuse. Cashback is deposited directly into your PayPal account or Rakuten can send you a check.
whatever way you prefer. Get the Rakuten app now and join the 17 million members who are already saving. Cashback rates change daily. See rakuten.com for details. That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N. Your cashback really adds up.
As a parent, you want to set your child up for success. So when they're struggling in school or they need help with homework, you try your best to step up. But sometimes you might not be equipped to answer. And it's better to leave that to the experts from IXL Learning. IXL Learning is an online learning program for kids. It covers math, language arts, science, and social studies. IXL is designed to help them really understand and master topics in a fun way.
with positive feedback. Powered by advanced algorithms, iXcel gives the right help to each kid, no matter the age or personality. And when you sign up, one subscription gets you everything you need for all the kids in your home, from pre-K to 12th grade. iXcel is used in 95 of the top
♪♪♪
Okay, so I want to talk about something that I feel is not talked about enough. I had a friend recently go through some mind-boggling shit regarding girl code. And when I hear girl code, I'm like, that is for people in high school. But it's really not. Like, it applies to every age group.
So let me give you some quick background. My friend, well, our friend Alex. Yes. Is in a complicated on again, off again type of relationship. So our friend's name is Melissa. It's not really, but that's what we're calling her. You're like, what friend are you talking about? Our friend Melissa grabbed her man's phone and saw a text from her friend.
Got it. Okay. Are we all clear on the situation? Clear for takeoff. Okay. So she finds texts and the texts are basically there is a pussy pic. Yes. Yes.
Her friend, after being left on read from her man, okay, sent him a pussy shot. Yeah, that's not all. Sent him a double text because when he didn't respond, she basically, I can't remember what she said. It was like, you know what? I'm over this. Like, you're leaving me on read for a reason. Yeah. And then a few hours later, sent him a picture of her vagina. Yeah. And I've seen...
said in the past double texting in general is just a bad move but to double text with a picture of your vagina to try to get a response that's some demon time demon time demon time shit yeah and the worst part about it is she fucking sent these texts in invisible ink like bitch invisible ink isn't gonna cover the embarrassment of your coochie being left on scene like
Like, what's the point? I have no words. And the fact that it was her friend. Yeah. You know, like, come on. If you're going to break girl code, like...
Really? With the pussy shot? She's down bad, bad. She's bad. So anyways, this is what brought up girl code. But girl code is so much more than just this because we all know the basics, right? Don't fuck your friend's boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. But I think we need to refresh our memories because there's so much more to it. And I think this will apply to a lot of your friendships. Welcome to Sloot University, bitches.
So first of all, I wish it wasn't fucking called girl code. What do you wish it was called? How to be a good friend to a woman that is your friend. Girl code just there's like a connotation to I don't love. But what is it? It's basically that your loyalty should always lie with the other woman.
It's the unwritten rules of friendship. That's what it is. So let's talk about the do's and don'ts. Okay. And here we go. You should always...
hype your friends up. You need to be their biggest fucking hype man. I don't care what they're doing. I don't care if they're taking a nude. I don't care if they're doing something illegal. You are their hype man. Support their passions, talents, etc. If your friend is smarter than you, hotter than you, cooler than you, richer than you, love it. Exactly. Love it. Look at it as social climbing if that's what you want to do.
Exactly. That is the opposite of girl code. But you guys get what I'm saying. Yeah. You...
Do not need to always be the center of attention and constantly try to outshine them. Yeah, it's not a competition. It's not a fucking competition. Thank you. And there is nothing worse than a guy's girl. We have all had a friend who needs to be the loudest, funniest, like, girl in front of a group of guys. Yes, oh my god. And...
A lot of times they feel like they need to put their friends down or other women down to lift themselves up in front of these group of dudes. And it's just all pathetic. This is the worst type of bitch and we all know one. Oh, yeah. I see this all the time. Yes. It's a fucking pick-me bitch. A pick-me. Like, you know the ones that are like, all my friends are guys. Girls are too much drama. Blah, blah, blah. It's like...
Girl, if you are sucking everyone's dick in the friend group, just say that. Okay? Dude, it's so true. You don't have to scream at the top of your lungs and say you drink beer instead of White Claws, okay? Please. Those girls are always the ones, too, that are fucking every single guy in the group. Yeah, literally. Like, that doesn't make you a guy's girl because you're fucking them. Trust me. That makes you a wombat. It just...
It just makes you... What is the word, Alex? Please. That's what you're here for. A hot dog bun. You're a fucking walking hot dog bun. Exactly. Okay? And every hot dog wants a hot dog bun and that's all you are. If that's what you're doing, you're a wench. Can we say wench? I think so. Okay. Next thing I want to say, you should always support your friends. If your friend is dating a piece of shit...
which I would say 99% of my friends either have or are, just try to help her and be there for her. But don't just leave her in the dust because you're tired of hearing about it. Be a good fucking person. Yeah. And you should always be honest with your friends too. That's another huge one. If you don't like her outfit, her contour...
help her you know if she's trying to leave the house for a night out looking like a fucking walking ketchup bottle and you can see all her cellulite yeah let her know totally i fucking hate bitches that don't me too like my friends like do i look fat in this and she looks fat i'm like yeah you kind of look fat yes just change like it's not that deep it's not that deep and it's your friend so help
her. Don't let your friends look foolish so you look better. Exactly. I've had so many friends, not so many, but I have had a friend where I end up going out and I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I'm like, I have spinach in my teeth.
My hair looks like I was electrocuted in the back and I look like shit. Yeah. So what's what are you trying to do here? Yeah, exactly. Besides sabotage me. When you lead your friends astray so you can get a one up, you don't look better. You just look like a bitch. You guys should operate as a unit together. Yeah.
Oh, cogs in the machine. I don't know what the fuck that means. But whatever Alex said. Yeah, you should just be happy for your friends. You want them thriving always. And you should also always play wing woman. If you're out of the bar,
Be hot and drunk together. There's no reason for you to need the attention of every single guy in the bar. There is power in numbers, people. Learn your strengths. Get free drinks for the entire friend group. One of you guys have tits? Show them off. One of you guys have a nice ass? Be face down, ass up the entire time at the bar. Exactly. One of you guys have great legs? Yes.
Do the fucking spread eagle in the chair. Like, I don't care what you guys have to do. It's like you all work together. This is actually a very quick side note. I remember one time I was...
with a friend and we were both super, super drunk and we were thinking about doing a threesome with a dude and she kept walking and being like, I have big tits and Sophia has a big ass and both of us together will make one hot bitch. Whoa. And I love her. I love that. Right? I love that too. So I'm trying to think if there's any more. I mean, I think this one's the most basic one, but the most important and I would think it would be fucking common sense, but you would be surprised if
Never under any circumstances entertain, hook up, think about or look at your friend's ex. I don't care if it's fucking Leonardo DiCaprio on the Titanic or Vinnie Hacker for Alex. Don't do it. Just don't do it.
This is the biggest no-no of all fucking time because men, at the end of the day, they are disgusting creatures who will fuck a McChicken off the dollar menu if they have the opportunity. Meaning they will fuck your friends if it comes down to it. And it is up to you to never put yourself in this situation. Just like the friend we were talking about, Alex, she just had to go through this and it's the most low-
I don't think there's anything more fucked up that you can do. I really don't. But I feel like a hypocrite because I've definitely been this bitch before. And let me tell you, losing a friend over a guy is not worth it. Oh, OK. So you were the shady friend. Yeah, I was the shady friend. No, I did something I regret. OK. For a guy. And you know what? You just got to remember. And it backfired and it wasn't worth it. No, it backfired. I lost a friend. I think about it all the time.
But girls, you just got to remember, like Sophia said, men are disgusting walks of the earth. They're not worth it. Their dick is not worth it. You're just a hole to them, girls. Just a hole. Exactly. Alex, thank you for confessing. Just a hot dog bun. Alex, thank you for your confession. Alex is a cautionary tale and a perfect example of a girl you don't want as your friend.
And I barely want her as my cousin. So like, I totally understand it. But yeah, you just that I think that's the worst thing you can do. And I don't care if you think that your friend's ex-boyfriend was the love of your life because he's not and it's not worth it. Okay. I do, though. I want to just say something quickly because I think this is really important.
You can't hold every fucking girl you know to this standard of girl code. Yeah. You can't just open your fucking phone book and be like, oh, Melissa, my coworker from seven years ago at fucking Beans and Brew. Use Melissa. Oh, shit. This is Melissa spelled with a Y instead of an I. Okay? It's a different Melissa. Okay. You can't hold everyone...
to this standard. It's not like every single woman you ever met owes you this because, and maybe this is just me once again, not being able to hold myself accountable for fucking anything, but hear me out.
I did have a situation once where I was close friends with a girl from high school. We were really close in high school. And then she disappeared on me. I went off to college. I remember I tried to talk to her for like a year straight. She was gone. Ghosted. Ghost. She ghosted me. And a few years later, I ended up dating her ex. Yeah.
Okay. And I feel like it was justified because she like ended the friendship. Like she left me on read for three years, you know? Yeah. So I think that can just be an exception to the rule because she was no longer my friend at that point. But if this person is your friend, if you have each other's number, you've had, I don't know, over five hours.
actual conversations with each other and you see each other regularly or she's part of the friend group, then girl code. As long as you would consider this girl one of my good friends, then these rules are forever. And whether it's your lifelong bestie or, you know, me at the fucking in the stall at St. Regis probably talking to like 700 girls saying they were my best friend. If it's your bestie, then...
These rules will always apply and you need to live by them and they should be honored because breaking girl code can ruin friendships for life. We have seen it here and it's never worth it. Be a girl's girl. Yeah. Be a girl's girl and you want the best for your friends and they should want the best for you. Being in a friendship where that's not reciprocated is toxic. Yes, it is.
Thank you so much for coming to my Sloot University seminar, guys. I was going to say you guys passed, but I don't know. We'll see. Time will tell. I'll be grading all of your assignments. I'm the TA. And Alex is saying that sexually. Yes, we allow fucking the TA here. Absolutely.
Knowing how to speak and understand a new language can be an invaluable tool when traveling, meeting new friends, or just even to master a new skill. But it's not always simple when you're bogged down by textbooks and structure classes. That's why so many people trust Rosetta Stone. Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program available on desktop or as an app.
It truly immerses you in the language you want to learn, like Spanish, French, Italian, Chinese, and more. You won't just be studying English translations. The Rosetta Stone intuitive process helps you pick up a language naturally, first with words, then phrases, then sentences. Don't put off learning that language.
There's no better time than right now to get started. For a very limited time, listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off. Visit rosettastone.com slash rs10. That's 50% off unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your life. Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com slash rs10 today. Save on Cox Internet when you add Cox Mobile and get fiber-powered internet at home and unbeatable 5G reliability on the go.
So whether you're playing a game at home. Yes, go. Or attending one live. Go. You can do more without spending more. Learn how to save at Cox.com slash internet. Cox internet is connected to the premises via coaxial cable. Cox mobile runs on the network with unbeatable 5G reliability as measured by UCLA LLC in the US to age 2023. Results may vary, not an endorsement of the restrictions apply. Cox.
All right. So we're about to get into listener questions, but I just need to quickly check myself before I fucking wreck myself because something occurred to me yesterday while I was scrolling Instagram. And I want to get your thoughts, Alex. So there was a meme page and they posted a video clip.
And I can't even remember what the fuck it was, but basically it was stupid, not funny and cringe to me. This video. Usually they only post funny stuff, but they fucked up this day because I am the only one who gets to decide what's funny or not. Okay. But the thing is, is I glanced down and I saw all the people that have liked it.
And I saw a couple people that I know personally that liked it. And I instantly had this visceral reaction where I was like,
oh, that person is a fucking idiot and they're not funny and they're not cool and I don't even know how they were ever my friend and why do I follow them on social media? That is so fucked up. But like I completely judged them over a fucking light. I probably like stupid shit all the fucking time. I will sometimes...
like shit that I don't even want to, but I just do it because it's my mom's best friend and I have to like everything they post. I mean, yeah, I agree. I feel like that a lot of the time too. But that made me sound mean. I actually like want to like those things, but there are sometimes where I feel pressured to like something that I don't want to. Like what?
Um, okay. Let me tell you. Perfect example. There is this girl that I know and she just got engaged for the third time in, I want to say two years. She, she's one of those girls that I am jealous of because I've never been proposed to, but also she's one of those girls that has a boyfriend for a month and is engaged. It's just constant. Yeah.
And I saw a bunch of mutual friends liking it and saying congrats. And I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Okay. Third engagement, you're not getting a like. Third baby. Even if you're in your third pregnancy and you want me to come in there with a like and a comment with a bunch of hearts and the fucking fireworks emoji, like you're not getting it on the third baby. Yeah.
We're over it. You know? I agree, yeah. The third baby loses its luster. That doesn't mean I'm in it. That doesn't mean you're going to love it less. It just means I love it less. The posting of it. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. You can like it in person. You don't have to like it on Instagram.
social media. Thank you. There's also this girl, and this is gonna be my last example. There is also this girl I know who is one of my favorite people. She's so fucking cool in person, so down to earth, so level-headed, and I love her to death. All she posts are conspiracy theories all day. Oh, God.
All day long, it's like the QAnon or like the Wayfair. What's a conspiracy theory people are on right now? I don't know. We never went to the moon. I don't fucking know what conspiracy theory is trending, but it's the weirdest shit. It's all she posts.
And then in person, she's like completely cool. The people that pop up on my feed like that, either A, obviously unfollow them. Yeah. Or mute that bitch. Mute. I just need to, I think maybe I have muted, honestly, at this point. But it's just crazy because social media is not real life. No. So judging people for their fucking social media etiquette is fucking stupid. And I'm not going to do it anymore. Yeah.
Good. Okay. Unless you are on your fifth kid, then fucking keep that shit to yourself and post it in a scrapbook to show your family. The people of Instagram don't want to see it. Thank you. All right. Let's move on. Let's get into this sleuth's advice, listener questions, stories, submissions, whatever. Whatever they're called. Birth certificates. My...
Part of the entire episode. Absolutely.
Alex, are you ready? Yes. Let me take it away. Hey, Sophia. I just wanted to write in and tell you this little story. So one of my friends and I were on a mini vacay. We were pretty messed up. Anyways, she had called a Calzone delivery place and asked for the hottest guy to bring our food. We ended up getting frisky with this guy and we're going to have a three score dinner.
Did she mean to write threesome? They probably call it different. Wherever they are. Three skull. I want to start calling threesomes that. Yes. While he was fingering me, he pulled out my NuvaRing birth control. I had no clue what to do, so I just took it, told my friend I was tapping out, and I left the room. What would you have done? LMAO. Much love, girl. Oh, my God. No.
Okay, there's, they fucked the calzone delivery. Let's start there. Let's unpack it there. That's, that wasn't the story. That's fucking incredible. I would love more details about that. Like, were the calzones involved in any way? Were there, like, was it a pizza place or was it strictly calzones only? I need to know. Yes.
If a guy rips out the new beret, pop it back in. Right? I don't... There's no shame in that. Honestly, I doubt he even knew what it was. He's probably like, oh, it's a silly band. A lost condom? A silly band. It looks like a fucking bracelet. A hair tie? Yeah. I would have used it to tie my hair up and then give him a blowjob. Oh my God.
Yes. We're running for his money. That is what you could have done, girl. I just think when it comes to anything that has to do with your vagina, whether it's your period or a NuvaRing, like, fuck that guy if he's going to be weird about it. Yeah. But I love how she also said, I told my friend I was tapping out like a wrestling match. Everything about this story I love. Okay, next.
I am a 19-year-old male college student that's recently been having sneaky links. Sneaky links. Guys, if you guys don't know what sneaky links are, look at the fuck up. They're side hoes. Side hookups. Yes. Okay.
This guy said he's been having sneaky links with a 41-year-old wealthy dill that he met on Grindr. He tells me that he's married and has two kids. I found out his wife is actually one of my mom's very good friends. And she invited us to go over to their lake house for Memorial Day. Help! What do I do? Okay.
The mom's very good friend invited them to the memorial house. The memorial house? For Lake Day. Excuse me. So his mom's really good friend is the wife?
Of the guy he's fucking. Yes. Okay. Well, I personally, I don't think you can go. And I think that you need to keep this on the DL because you made it very clear. It's a sneaky link. It's not like a serious situation with this guy. And if your dad or your mom is anything like my mom, they're going to freak the fuck out hearing that you're 19 with a 41 year old. Yeah. Yeah.
Bottom line. Definitely. I mean, I dated someone who was 17 years older and that really rubbed my mom the wrong way. Yeah, but you were at least like 28. That's true. That's true. But I cannot fucking believe that the mom...
is inviting his mom to go to the lake house, aka inviting him to go to the lake house. So what would it be? A happy family? It would be the mom, dad that this kid is fucking and his children. Yeah. You know what? It's kind of kinky. Like, it's kind of hot if you think about it in a really, really fucked up way. Yeah, like we're in euphoria right now kind of way. Yes. And if you and your...
I was going to say you and your dad. Whoa, we're not going that kinky. If you and this 41-year-old dad that you're fucking, this dilf, if you guys could just like sneak away and like, oh my God, and like his wife is like cooking up a storm with your mom and then you and the dad like say you're going to go fishing or do something that straight heterosexuals do.
and be like, we're going to go tie some knots. And I mean, it could be hot. However, I have to answer this truthfully. I wouldn't feel comfortable in that situation. I wouldn't go. I would kindly decline and tell my mom like,
bitch, why would I want to hang out with you on Memorial Day weekend? I'm going with my friends, you know? But that's totally up to you. And that's your comfort level. I would just out of respect, probably ask the dad before he heads over there. Yeah, good point. Or give him a heads up and be like, I will find you. I'll be sleeping next door. Okay, next.
Hi, Sophia and Alex. I was reminiscing on the old days and I remember on your old podcast, you talked about high-waisted bikinis. Have your views on them changed? Wait, I want to know what were your views on them? Okay, basically,
Basically, we shit all over them. And we said high-waisted bikinis are the ugliest, most unflattering thing that you can possibly wear. And I totally understand if I'm feeling bloated or some women, they just want to, you know, be held tight.
Plugged in tight. I understand that. I've been there before. This bitch. You get a full piece. A full piece looks cuter. Tan lines? Okay, but... Excuse me. A full piece looks cuter than a high-waisted bikini. Okay, guys, don't take any advice from this person. She doesn't have a fupa. She doesn't know what we go through, okay? She can't relate. Okay, let me tell you where I got this information from. Our very good friend, Ghostwriter...
As well as a lot of other men. And they were like, I would rather her hanging all out bloat for days. Like, I don't care what her situation is. I would rather just see it for what it is than in this little high-waisted contraption. Okay? Okay.
Okay, but like... You mean like high waisted, like in the front where it covers your stomach? But like, what about the ones that are like a thong that you can hike them up? Sweetie, if it's the thong, you're fine. These are like the thick ones that really hold it all. They kind of look like maternity wear. I'm not taking any advice from someone that doesn't have a fupa.
Moving on. Whatever. So I still stand by that. But you know what? In this day and age, I don't even know if I'm allowed to say those things anymore. That's that's the thing. I don't know what the fuck I'm allowed to say anymore and what I'm not allowed to say. So if me saying wearing a high waisted bikini is me not empowering other women, then you know what?
Go ahead and pretend I didn't say that. Your high-waisted bikini looks great. Your camel toe looks fucking amazing and is going right up your butt cheeks and giving your body like the cutest shape ever. You look like a fucking watermelon. Better out than in. Yes, that's what I always say. Okay, next.
All right, Alex. Do you want to read this one? I would love to. Okay, take it away, sister. Hey, Sophia. I'm obsessed with your podcast. Well, I had an ex basically dedicate his Tumblr to me. We dated, she put that in quotation marks, after high school. We only dated because he was a psycho stalker. Towards the end, he broke up with me and then got very upset that I wouldn't speak to him.
So after I blocked him on all social media and got a restraining order, he pulled this shit. And she tags the Tumblr. Oh my God. And then she wraps it up by saying so embarrassing and creepy. Okay, guys, she gave us the actual link to this guy's Tumblr. And Alex and I have just spent the last 45 minutes reading all of his shit. Yeah. Which, by the way, I miss Tumblr a lot.
What is Tumblr for those, for people who don't know? It's like a blog, pretty much. You, like, repost pictures and quotes and stuff. Yes. To me, it's like Pinterest, but for fucked up people. It's kind of the way I see it. Yes. Because most of the stuff, I mean, I know when I was posting shit on Tumblr, I mean, 99% of it was very dark. Yeah, it's like drugs, sex, and alcohol. Anorexia. Like, I remember there was so much of that. Yes.
But this page, this guy's Tumblr is completely different. Yeah. So, oh my God, we need, let's just like read a little excerpt. First off, I went through every page. There's 24 pages dedicated to this girl that he broke up with. And it's, yeah, it's a little bit like creepy. I'm not going to lie. Oh, and also he goes in chronological order. He goes day one.
without you. Day two. Day 2.5. Day three. Blah, blah, blah. On and on and on and on. And he writes some deep shit. I'm like looking at this excerpt. Plans. I did what you asked and made no plans for Christmas. I love saying it's deep. I don't know.
As well as New Year's. I hate this. I need you. I'm so miserable without you. You are my son. I'm sorry. I'll miss you forever. I've fallen into this dark place. Blah, blah, blah.
I suffocate with the idea that you're not by me. Alex just suffocated. Please. Day 13. How I miss you. I break at times because I feel abandoned. It gets bad at night when I can't seem to sleep because my heart says to think of you. My mind always agrees. I still miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. So this guy, like, and I just saw...
It goes from... When does it start? Like 2014 or something? Yes. He has this Tumblr page for years, guys. Like every single day or like every week or whatever, he is writing something about this girl. No wonder she got a fucking restraining order. That's like...
Oh, yeah. 2014, two years later after you broke up with her. Yeah. Give it up, man. But also, you know how many bitches are looking at this page and they're like, this is romance. This is real love. If my dude is not dedicating his entire fucking Tumblr account to me for three to four years straight.
then I don't want him and I don't want that type of love. If I don't have to get a restraining order against my boyfriend, then that's not love and I don't want it.
Okay. Then we don't want it. We want that restraining order love. Yeah. Just kidding. I have had to get one of those and it's not fun. We'll talk about that one day. I know. It's always the crazy guys, but that's actually not true. I've been with some really good guys that are really good in bed. Mm-hmm.
Okay, moving on. So this next question, just listen up. Here we go. Hello, love the show. I just wanted to share a piece of advice to all of the young ladies out there. Never let a man see you embarrassed. Embarrassment equals weakness.
We cannot let the men see us weak. In all seriousness, though, every single time I've ever done anything embarrassing with a guy, I just laugh and keep it moving. It works every time. I once threw up on a guy's stomach while giving him a BJ in his car. Did I even act phased? Nope. He called me the next day.
I once started my period during sex with a first time hookup and had to wear a pair of his underwear under my club dress into the Uber. Did I apologize or act ashamed?
No, still stalks me to this day. I had a very extravagant ponytail piece fall off during sex and my bald headed ponytail was revealed. Did I run away in fear? No, we still talk to this day. Yes, this is the energy I've been talking about. This is that bad bitch energy. Oh, wait, do people still say that? Yes.
Yes, they do. I'm a bad bitch. Baddies only. You wouldn't get it, but... Okay. Well, I know bad Barbie. Anyways...
This is the bad bitch energy that we needed here. Yes. This girl, she just like breathed. She breathed on your face. A breath of fresh air. She just breathed life into us. Yes. Right? You feel it. This opens a whole new door. It does. So I think she was kind of kidding in the beginning of her question when she's like, embarrassment equals weakness. These men can't see us weak. I think she was joking. I hope she was joking because...
Ladies, if you do want to show vulnerability in any way, shape or form in front of a dude, I think that that's OK. I'll kill all men. Alex is being silent. So maybe you disagree. I will say, however, and this is very toxic advice that I always stick by. You cannot act vulnerable anywhere.
until you know this man is in love with you. And I'm talking, it might be four months in. You know? You just, you don't show them that until you're way into it. So anyways, she throws up on this guy's dick. Doesn't act phased. Which I've done that before, Alex, with you. Yeah. You just eat them. I know, you have to. Because what else are you going to do? Dinner. Um...
She started her period during sex. Classic. Obviously. I mean, obviously. Made him fall in love with you even more. Right? And then I love when she says the ponytail piece fell off during sex. All the headed ponytail.
I love this. I mean, what is she actually saying? Confidence. Confidence. Yes. That is the biggest thing. If you're on top of a dude riding him and your fucking weave or your wig or your fake ponytail comes off, or in my case, in my instance, my fake plastic Jessica Simpson clip-in hair extensions. If those...
nasty ass things fall out of your head while you're in the middle of riding him, keep fucking going. You know? Use it as a lasso. Yes. Use the horse. You're the cowboy. Giddy up. Yeehaw. Use it as a scarf. I don't know.
the fuck you need to use it for as a boa choke him with it but that is such a turn on all your inhibitions are out and that's when you know a girl's gonna have a good orgasm oh yeah is when the inhibitions are gone and she is like i don't care how i don't i don't care how busted i look right now i don't care if i bled all over you or threw up all over you
Okay, we're like taking it too far. You don't need to do all three of those things at once. I don't care if I killed your entire family and stole your car. Okay?
I will never back down. I will not be embarrassed that I stole your fucking wallet. All right, girl. I love it. And I think this is a really good note to end on, Alex. I agree. So we will be back next week. Well, Alex, I don't know if you'll be with me. It's always up in the air. It's always up in the air. But I think we actually have a really different type of guest that's going to come on. So...
I'm really excited for that. And I love you, Sleuths. And, you know, there was a little bump in the road, but we are fully coming back and we're thriving. Cruise control. Cruise control. Love you guys so much. You know where to find me. So if you're an F, Franklin, with a Y, please, please, please, especially now more than ever, you guys.
rate and subscribe to the show because there's some people that are kind of trying to come for me, which you know what? Maybe justified. But if you like the show and you want me to keep having a show, I would really, really appreciate it. Grab your sister's grandma's Android and do it. Alex, where can they find you? You can find me at Alex Franco underscore meow on Instagram. Beautiful. Okay, sleuths. Love you so much. Bye. Bye.
