32: 911? It's me 01:01:39

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Hello everybody, welcome to Swath. As always, before I jump into the episode, please rate, subscribe, and review the show. My listeners and sleuths, you guys mean absolutely everything to me, so thank you if you've already done so.

But next time someone asks you for your number, you better be grabbing their phone and then subscribing to Swath. And that's when I'll really know that you guys care. Okay? Love you guys. I've got my gorgeous, brilliant producer here. And Alex is also joining me. You bitch. Anyways. Hi.

I'm here. Hi, Alex. She is gorgeous and brilliant and beautiful and all of those wonderful things. All right. So, Alex, you are younger than me.

So maybe you can offer some insight here, but I was at a graduation and I was taking pictures with my brother after and I was listening to these fucking kids talking and just eavesdropping on their conversation, thinking to myself like,

What dialect is this? These kids, I don't even know how to explain it. These kids were legitimately speaking in Twitter. Twitter is a language. Okay, for example, my brother, out of nowhere-

was talking about a sneaky link. Okay. I thought he was talking about an animal, like an exotic cat of some kind. I don't know what the fuck a sneaky link is what. Apparently it means a booty call. Did you know that? Yes. Okay. Well, I don't know if I believe you. Do you know what it means? Can you use it in a sentence for me? Okay.

Get that sneaky link in through the back and his link ass... Send his link ass back home. I feel like that is exactly... I don't think so, but it's funny that you bring this up because SNL actually did a skit on this, like about how Gen Z speaks. And it's interesting because a lot of these terms have actually...

actually been around forever and it's just now making its way to suburban TikTok and kids are making it sound like an entirely different language. Uh-huh. So basically suburban kids are appropriating again. Exactly. Got it. No cap. No cap.

I don't even know if that worked there. I get how to use no cap now and I say it, but I thought for about a month that no cap was a gun reference. Okay. I know it's not, but like that makes sense, right? Like pop a cap in your ass. Yeah, no cap. I'm not going to be popping a cap in your ass. Fax, no printer. Fax, no printer. Yeah, do you know what?

That one means. Fax no printer. Yes. No, I don't. What the fuck does that mean? Fax. F-A-C-T-S. Fax. That's a fact. Fax no printer. Oh.

Wow. Okay. I'm surprised these fucking kids even know what a fax machine is. They probably don't, but like it's a term that they're going to use. Wow. Okay. Give me another one, actually. Okay. Well, you know what? I'll give you one. One that we're on right now. Okay. Do you know what demon time means? No, I don't. It's a time you're very familiar with. You're always on it.

Hmm. I hope it's something nice. I don't, what does that mean? What I'm on demon time? It's when all the fuckery happens. Like anytime past 12, you know what they say? Nothing good happens after midnight. Yes. I've heard that's what demon time is. No, basically when all the out of pocket shit happens and it's warranted because you said you're on demon time.

Okay, I like that one. I'm going to start using that one and throwing that one around. Damn, Alex. Do you know what sus means? No, Sophia, enlighten me. Actually, do you even know what sus means? Suspect.

So we're playing a game of Clue. What are we doing? Okay, everybody. I need to talk about something absolutely insane that happened a couple days ago. Alex, I almost strangled an 80-year-old geriatric lady with my bare hands. Oh my god. And you know I love old people, okay? So like this lady did something extremely psychotic.

First, before I dive into the story, I need to give a trigger warning. In this story, I will be using a certain word that is used to describe sexual assault. Okay, so

There's my TW. You know what that one means? Trigger warning. Thank you. So basically this all started when I called my doctor that I have been going to for 15 years to make an appointment. Nothing serious going on. Well, actually there probably is a lot of serious things going on with my body. I

Because I haven't in forever. Anyways, the receptionist asks what my health insurance is now because it's been a while, which rude. Yeah, like, can you at least take me on a date first? Thank you. Before you start asking questions like that. Like, no, hi, how are you?

Have you heard of HIPAA regulations? Maybe that like did not apply, but it did apply. So she tells me I can't see my doctor ever again because I don't have health insurance. So super frustrating. Like I have fucking money. I can pay you cash. What is the issue?

So I go home. I'm talking to my mom about it. And she tells me to join her to go see this holistic doctor because herbs and spices fix high blood pressure. Am I right? Yeah.

That sounds like a fucking dad joke. No, I actually am a huge fan of Eastern medicine and I was intrigued. So this holistic doctor actually put my mom on a juice cleanse for three weeks and my mom lost like

I think it was 20 to 30 fucking pounds. Jesus. That is so much. I could never do something like that ever. No way. Not eat, not be able to chew on something for three weeks. Absolutely not. No way. So we're on our way to see this doctor. My mom gives me the heads up that this doctor is a little intense. Yeah.

And the second I got there, Alex, I just knew right away. I was like, we're dealing with someone on demon time times 100. You felt the vibe. Like this was a different type of specimen that we were fucking with. So we're making small talk and this lady doctor grabs my hands and looks at my nails and

And basically berates me, telling me that she can't even do the testing now because I had on nail polish. And you know me, Alex, like...

like any type of authority figure, I just get scared. Yes. And I start trying to rip the fucking shellac off. I'm like, do you have a pair of pliers? Literally any tools I can have my nails naked and ready in like two seconds for you. I'm so fucking sorry. I am like blah, blah, blah, like the whole thing. And she was like, you know what? Don't just forget it. We are going to do this check

By looking at your eyes instead. Okay. Immediately starts getting angry with me again. Immediately. She all of a sudden says something like, are you crazy? So old lady talks. You are, you are going to just poison your face and skin. She was referring to my eyebrows being microbladed.

So, which I totally recommend doing, by the way. It probably isn't great for you. It's probably toxic. But I have put way fucking worse things in my body than lead or ink or whatever that shit is made out of. So, she says, like, a couple other comments that, like, they got progressively worse. I think at one point she asked if I was sexually active. And...

And then right after, because I said yes. Of course. I did. And then right after asking if I was married and then made like a snarky comment about reckless sex or something.

Because she's fucking jealous. And jealousy is a disease to which I say get well soon. Meredith Marks, Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, by the way. Obviously kidding. She was not jealous. She was like disgusted at this point. This is where this shit gets absolutely bonkers. She starts me on this machine.

And I want to know right now if any of the sleuths listening have ever heard of this and if it's a bunch of bullshit or not. It is called, I wrote it down. Let me pull it up. The ZYTO, Z-Y-T-O, Remote Electrodermal Screening System. Okay? Let me know if you've heard of it. She starts this test. I'm sitting there. This bitch has no air conditioning. Okay? Yeah.

in her little office, whatever. None. And I am wearing these thick, high-waisted, baggy sweats with a fucking insulated wool crew neck. And I'm like having hot flashes. I am, I've never been this hot. It's 80 degrees outside. Why the fuck would you wear that? I

know, Alex, maybe global warming because the day before I promise you it was 20 degrees. So I have a sports bra on underneath and I just say, fuck it. And I take the crew neck off.

It's only me, my mom and this doctor, which I don't know about y'all, but all the doctors I've dealt with have seen me naked. They have even seen my private parts sometimes. Like we are in a back room. Like why the fuck does it matter if I'm sitting there in high waisted sweatpants and a sports bra? The doctor comes back.

Starts going over my results and I can tell she like just looks irritated. And about 10 minutes in, she looks me dead in the eye. This is where the TW comes in and says, the way that you are displaying your body is making me feel uncomfortable. I think it's extremely disrespectful. And this is the reason why girls get raped. What?

What the fuck? What the fuck? What? What the fuck? Oh, my God. Okay, so my outfit determines if I get raped or not. Like, oh, sweatpants and a sports bra. Guys, by the way, that's a rape outfit. Like, whoops, accidentally put on a rape outfit today. Like, a route fit. Oh, my God. A route fit. Like, this...

doctor was fucking out of control. I think I honestly cried on the way home after. Oh, I don't blame you at all. Like, I love how she had to clarify that what you wear is why girls specifically get raped. Like, oh, okay. Guys don't get raped for what they wear. Thank you. Like,

Guys, your outfit does not mean you're asking for it. Thank you. Being nice to someone doesn't mean you're asking for it. Flirting with someone does not mean you're asking for it. Rape happens because of rapists, not because you're wearing something revealing. And instead of teaching us girls how to dress, teach men not to fucking rape. A-fucking-men.

Damn, Alex. Sounds like you like prepared a fucking speech. That was beautiful. It's so not okay. And I don't even know why it like triggered me so much, though. It's like an 80 year old woman that's obviously completely ignorant and stupid.

you know, has dementia. Yeah, she's practicing medicine. Someone revoke her medical license. Just kidding. She didn't even have one in the first place. I think when she said that, I just told her I'm trying to remember exactly. I think I was just like, you know what?

I respect my elders, so I'm not going to respond to that. Something like that. Because I'm a classy lady and because I couldn't even process it and think of something better to say. Oh, and by the way, when she got my test results back from that machine thingy, she told me I was dying, basically. Oh my god.

basically, she's like, you are going to get raped and you're dying. She told me all of my internal organs were fucked. I need to get off all the medication I'm on. And I have a short life ahead of me if I don't get on her fucking juice cleanse is what she said, which it's probably true. I probably do have a short life ahead of me, but fuck her anyways. That's

It that's my little update and we can just move on. Alex, what is new with you? I feel like Alex is giving me a look. Alex does have a story to tell us and I know about half of the story. So I'm really fucking excited to hear this shit.

Go for it, sister. Okay. So you guys know Sophia and I work disgusting hours. And one day after we were finally done recording for like 20 hours, I took a little drug you guys might not be familiar with. They're shrooms. Shrooms.

And I don't know what demon crawled into my body and possessed me to think that taking shrooms and releasing all of my serotonin at 2 a.m. was a good idea. Yeah.

Demon time. Demon time. But alas, I did what I had to do. Guys, I am sitting here with Alex. We're fucking exhausted from work. And I have these shrooms, which I hate hallucinogens. I just have them sitting here. And Alex tells me she's going to take them. And you did, apparently. I don't even remember that you took them. Well, yeah, because right after I took them, you fucking left me.

To scavenge for myself on this journey I was about to go on. Because, you know, I'm not even going to like warrant that with a response, Alex. Whatever. Okay. Okay. Long story short, during this little trip, I convinced myself that my tongue was a strawberry. Okay.

And I rolled around on the carpet listening to the same Tame Impala song for the next six hours. Just like on repeat? Yes. What? You were rolling on this carpet? It felt good. Did it really? It did. And anyways, after those six hours passed, I decided I needed to put my ass to sleep.

Wow. I am just so fucking fascinated by psychedelics. Shrooms scare the fuck out of me. When you saw that your tongue was a strawberry, that didn't scare you? No, I was like, fuck yeah. I love strawberries. Do you realize that you're on a drug trip? Let me ask you that. Yeah. So you know, like, oh. I mean, I didn't take that much. I mean, I took enough for my tongue to turn into a fruit, but. Yeah, what? I mean, you're still there. You're still conscious. Yeah.

Okay. Well, it sounds like it was fun, I guess. I, yeah, I didn't even know that you were like really going to end up taking them. And of course I fell asleep because it was five in the morning after working for 72 hours. Okay. Well, maybe next time I do them, you can take them too. And maybe your tongue will turn into a banana or something. I don't want that. That sounds really scary. I can't smoke weed. I

Have you ever hallucinated on weed? Be honest. No, I've greened out. You saying that you hallucinated off a weed is you just telling me that you greened out. What is that? When you smoke too much and you can't handle it. Okay. But like, so you're saying I didn't hallucinate. Actually, you know what? You're not going to tell me if I hallucinated. I'm going to tell you if I hallucinated. And I did. Okay. And weed is fucking the craziest drug on planet Earth. Okay. We got a newbie here, guys. Okay.

Okay, Alex, please finish the story because I need to know. Okay. So at this point, I decided I needed to put my ass to sleep. And I felt like I was in a fucking escape room and I couldn't figure out the clues on how to get out of the room. Still not scared, though? I mean, at this point, no. Okay. But guys, the super fun thing about the door to get out of the studio...

It doesn't have a fucking handle. Guys, we should post a picture. We're going to post a picture of it. Every single person that comes into my studio, when they turn to leave, they're like, what the fuck is this? How do I get out? Like, and it can take...

30 seconds to two minutes to get out of the fucking room. This handle is, it's a metal nub. Yeah. It's a little metal extremity. Like I can barely open the fucking thing when I'm sober. Yeah. Let alone when I'm tripping. Yes. I could see that. Absolutely. So this is where it gets scary. Okay. I was trying to get out of the room.

And I went to town on this little nub. I was there for like 30 minutes trying to free myself until my hand looked like I put it through a meat grinder. 30 minutes? I'm not kidding. Let me see your hand. This has like fucking three huge fucking blisters. You're lying. No, I'm dead. My hand was covered in blood. Oh my. Like there's still fucking blood on the door. Okay.

That is my worst fucking nightmare. You're tripping on a psychedelic and you can't get out of a room and your hand is bleeding. Did you go into a bad trip? Well, yeah. You did. I mean, when I got to this point, yeah. Eventually, I waved my white flag. I expected that I was going to be locked in this room till the end of time.

And I felt like I was now in an episode of fucking naked and afraid. Okay. Okay, so you did stay in here. Yes, I did stay in here. And I just passed out.

Right after that, I just passed the fuck out. Did you try calling me? You probably did. My phone's always on silent. Why didn't you just knock on the door like screaming? I thought my tongue was a strawberry. I probably thought my phone was like fucking a Pokedex from Pokemon or something. Oh my God.

That is my worst fucking nightmare ever. Oh, man. Okay, Alex. Well, would I do it again? Absolutely. Am I going to do it again after this episode? Absolutely. Will I maybe try them with you? Absolutely. I'm not even kidding. They terrify me, but I don't know. I've heard good things. I've heard it will help my mental health.

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I want to talk about something that's a little more toxic, believe it or not. I am talking Chernobyl levels of toxicity, radiation, toxic. Okay, I'm kidding. It's not that fucking toxic, but still. For the first time ever, I am actually in a healthy relationship, so I personally won't be using this hack.

At least not tonight. But this might help some of the sleuths out there. Alex and I, our friend Kiana, recently did this and...

was blown away by the genius and the balls, really. The balls on this bitch to even do this. So Alex, let's go. I know I have told you guys a million ways about how to see what your slimy, nasty partner is up to. This one may trump them all.

This is Alex. How do you how do you describe it? It's like QAnon NSA hacker type shit. Some FBI shit. Yeah. Edward Snowden shit. OK, this is going to tell you how you can take over and compromise your boyfriend's Instagram. Perk your ears up. Put this in your pipe and fucking smoke it, people. Here we go.

If you know the password to your boyfriend's computer, which you do, open it and go to Instagram via Safari, Internet Explorer, Google Chrome, Mozilla Firefox, whatever the fuck he uses. Go to, I'll spell it out, www.instagram.com. If he's not already logged in, you are going to click forgot my password.

From there, you're going to go to his email, which 99.9% of the time is already auto logged in on his computer. You're going to go to his inbox. You are going to see the email from Instagram that says, forgot your password. Reset the password to whatever the fuck you want. And bam, you have the login to his Instagram account.

Saying this out loud, I am thinking I'm pretty sure you could probably do the same hack with Twitter or whatever other app he might be on. I don't know his OnlyFans. I don't know how that works, but it's it's so simple, but brilliant. Genius. You know, you might need to prepare to have your hearts broken because God knows what's going on in that cesspool. That is his direct message is.

It's so fucked up. I apologize, people. I am not trying to put my paranoia and scars onto you. I just feel like someone out there might find this useful. And there's probably nothing because he's your sweet angel and loves you more than anything. But, you know, just to be safe, it's a safety precaution.

But it gets better. Grab your fucking popcorn. Because once you're logged in, you can also go to his settings and then click account and then click posts you liked. So you can see all the pictures he's jerking off to when you're in the shower. This is some next level shit and...

I mean, you definitely have to have like some cojones, bolas to pull this off because he's going to get logged out of his account on his phone and he is going to probably go up to you and say some shit. So what you need to do is...

is you need to make sure you cover your fucking tracks and delete the email from Instagram and delete it from his trash too. Never forget the fucking trash folder, people, or the deleted folder on your Apple iPhone photos, okay? 101. If he even brings it up to you...

You have no fucking idea as to why this fucker can't get into his Instagram. Do you get, are you catching my drift, Alex? Yeah. You know nothing. We know nothing. Love is blind. And so are you because you're probably going to stay with him no matter what you fucking see.

It's fine, guys. We've all been there. Okay. It's fine. I was there like last week. I'll probably be there next week.

Or, oh my God, Alex, or if you really want to fuck some shit up, once you're logged in and see all of the incriminating evidence of this slime ball, go wild. DM his, I was about to say side pieces, not today. DM his sneaky links and let them know his rotation because they need to know that he has been lying to them and...

Basically, pull a John Tucker must die. There you go. That is the fucking hack. I think lives are going to change. And I hope that I am not the reason for any breakups tonight and only marriages because you realize that he he or she is really that good to you. OK, last words. Moving on.

Larsa Pippin. Bet you guys didn't see that one coming. I want to get into a little pop culture here. Juliana Rancic up in this bitch. I know we never really cover pop culture here, but this shit is just too fucking good. It really is. Let me give you some background, guys. Larsa Pippin, or as Alex likes to call her, Larsa Pimpin.

Larissa Pippen is married, I think, maybe divorced, not sure, to Scottie Pippen, who apparently is this NBA legend. Apparently. Apparently. I don't know. Go sports. Go sports.

Larsa is BFFs with the Kardashians. So that's how I know her. And if you've seen a recent episode in the past few years, you definitely fucking know her. And unlike the rest of the internet, this is not going to be a segment shaming Larsa because what she does is between her, God, and probably Kris Kardashian. The Holy Trinity. Yeah.

The holy fucking Trinity. What I want to talk about is a man and his name is Malik Beasley. So a few months ago, Larsa was seen canoodling with a super young NBA player named Malik Beasley, who is only I think it was like three years older than her son. Yeah.

Which is kind of wild, but go fucking Cougars. See, I do know my sports. BYU, go Cougars. But that's not the point. This Malik guy was married at the time. Actually, he was separated, allegedly.

Please, Alex, please. If he if any man tells you he is single or separated, he literally has a family at home probably calling his phone. That's on. Do not disturb at that very moment. I've talked about this before. Men will say their wife.

died in a car crash recently if it means pussy. They just will. Anyway, it becomes this entire public scandal. He basically leaves his family for Larsa and they're tucked away living their best lives until literally this week. And I promise this is where it gets good and what I really want to talk about. I don't know what happened in Paradise or what went down between Malik and Larsa, but

It caused him to issue a public apology on Instagram because that's the first place you're supposed to go when you want your family back. Yeah.

Let me read what he said. This is like the real fucking joke of this whole thing. I'm Malik. Pretend I'm Malik, Alex. Okay. And you're the world. Yes. Okay. I'm Instagram. I was looking for more when it was right here the whole time. I am telling the world and you that there's nobody like you for me. Okay, so this is directed at Montana, right?

His wife or estranged wife or whatever, obviously. Right. Uh-huh. Okay. For the record, I was the one who ended my last relationship off the fact that there is no one like you.

Also, for the record, I wanted to do my own ish because I just left you guys and I def ain't the type to set up pictures at the mall in ish as that's some childish ish. I ain't looking to be judged. I'm looking for forgiveness to forgive me for hurting my family the way I did.

At the end of the day, I'm a lover boy. Okay, that was a fucking tongue twister if I've ever heard one. Ish, ish, ish. There are so many parts of this that I need to break down.

Number one, why did he feel the need to publicly address her this way? Probably because she has him blocked everywhere else. Like if there's one thing a man is always going to do to you, it's to embarrass you. I mean, absolutely. What goes on in a guy's mind when they are like, I've already embarrassed you to the entire universe. Let me make it even worse by bringing it up publicly again. Yeah.

I think it's so funny how men are always so worried about their own reputations and how things we do as women make them look when they make an idiot of themselves regularly.

Exhibit A. Exhibit fucking A. It's like they find pleasure embarrassing women and then they use the excuse, I'm sorry, I'm growing. Oh my God. My ex always used to say that he was fighting demons. He was the fucking demon. He was on demon time, not in the fun way at all. Exactly. Holy shit. Okay. You know, if...

If I cheated on my boyfriend and told him that I was still growing, I would literally be thrown in a dumpster. And the sad part is we literally buy this shit. Like we eat this shit up. People are sheep and they just buy...

I up people's fucking manipulation all the time on all of these platforms. And it's like we forgive them almost every single time. What is it in women that makes us so fucking forgiving? Probably starts when we're a child. I'm going to go ahead and guess. Yeah, the society that shapes us this way. The patriarchy. Exactly. There you go. The fucking patriarchy.

Can we also talk about the part where he was like, I did this because I'm a lover boy. Like, okay, Drake, you left your family because you are a lover boy. Yeah.

Does that make any sense in any capacity in any realm? Am I the only one who's actually baffled here? When I first read that, I was thinking, I'm a motherfucking star boy. Did you think that or no? Yes. Okay, well, this guy is not the weekend. If men...

Weren't vital for reproduction. And I really mean this. I would be on Elon Musk's first dogecoin rocket to Mars. Because I fucking can't. This type of shit literally makes my stomach hurt. You don't know that.

The amount of times, I mean, Alex, you know, I have seen the puppy dog eyes from guys after they do some sick, twisted shit and blame it on the fact that they weren't hugged enough as a child. And even if that's true, because we all have trauma, what the fuck does that mean to me, Bill? I can't use that excuse. I don't know.

I just wanted to psychoanalyze the minds of a heterosexual male. But as I'm doing this, I realize that it is a dark hole that I personally cannot figure out. I don't know if I will ever be able to figure it out. Slutes, please write in the most pathetic excuse a man has used after he ruined your life. They're always fucking hilarious. And for anyone going through this right now,

with their piece of shit boyfriend who's already embarrassed you 800 times, you are not alone. I've been there. Alex has been there. Everyone has been there. And I want to say, fuck him. Don't go back. But if you do, I'm not judging you. And everyone figures out shit in their own time. That's a big thing for me is I do not get upset with my friends if they go back to...

a bad dude. No, because I did the same fucking shit, so. Right, right, exactly. No hypocrisy here. Oh my god, okay. So that was just a little pop culture I wanted to address, guys. Wow, what a fucking week. Alex, it's time for questions, advice, and stories from the sleuths. Favorite time. Mine as well. Demon time. Mm-hmm.

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Okay, questions. Alex, are you ready? My favorite part. She doesn't look ready. What do you mean? I was born ready. I don't know because I'm about to hit you with some shit you have never fucking heard before. Bring it on. All right. Number one. Hey, Sophia and Alex. I got name dropped again. Guys, she literally added that. No. Right before. Oh my God.

Hey, Sophie and Alex. Absolutely adore the podcast. So here's my question. This guy and I broke up like four months of dating three months ago, and he still looks at my Insta story even after I unfollowed him. Why is he still watching it? And should I block him? Classic.

Oh, man. I only have like negative shit to say, but it's not negative. It's just brutally honest feedback and advice. I have been in a situation similar. I don't know what your situation with this guy was specifically, but the situation I was in, I remember I was dating this dude. I was obsessed.

We stopped talking. He would look at my stories and I would secretly hope to myself that he was still watching my story because he still had feelings for me.

Okay. The thing is, he doesn't. No. And the guy I'm referring to definitely did not give a fuck. And when a guy specifically watches your story, there is no depth or meaning behind it at all.

And I say men specifically because I think they tend to do those things on autopilot more so than women do. And maybe I'm generalizing. I know I am. But men are just kind of dull that way. Yeah. He is watching your story because he is either bored or he is insecure.

interested enough to like see what you're up to and like what you're doing and if you're dating a new guy. But that doesn't mean he's interested enough that you guys should be together and that he actually gives that many fucks to make you a priority. So it doesn't mean anything. Do I think you should block him? Absolutely not. I think it's

even more fun for you to post a story and be like oh this one guy like let me just like post whatever totally that didn't make sense but there is no significance in someone watching your story usually for real yeah like if your ex is watching your stories it's not you know a sign to reach out no but if

If you have the willpower and you're not going to block him, post whatever the fuck you want. Post your post breakup glow up. Be fucking happy, babe. It will drive him crazy. Yes. Even though he doesn't give a fuck. But it will drive him crazy in your mind, which is the only thing that matters. Yes. Denial and delusion is the way to live. Okay, next. Next.

Hey, Sophia, can you please address calling somebody babe? Maybe it's just me, but I feel like pet names should not be thrown around until after you've been dating for at least a month or two. I went on a first date last night where I was giving this guy the best blowjob of his life and he started saying things like, yes, babe, yes, keep doing that, babe. I literally stopped what I was doing, shushed him.

like a fucking librarian and got back to business. It was such a turnoff for me that I blocked him as soon as I got home. Am I overreacting or justified in never talking to him again? Thanks, Lou. Okay. I completely agree with this girl through and through.

Okay. I remember I dated a guy and right off the bat, he would call me darling. And I found it not creepy. I found it like I found it degrading almost like belittling me like, oh, little darling. Like, do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. It's like when someone younger than you calls you honey.

Yes. Except, you know, it's really weird. I love when women call me pet names, just not men. It's a very weird thing. Yes. I'll talk to my therapist about it, but he would call me that and it freaked me the fuck out.

So I think this is totally justified. I think not only did I feel a little bit belittled, but I also find that when dudes right off the bat are calling you babe, baby, like honey, like,

It gives me fuck boy vibes. Yes. That's also what I take from it. So girlfriend, I think you are completely justified in shushing him mid blow job. I just imagine her mouth full being like, shut the fuck up. I fucking love it. And I think it's so funny, Alex, because imagine if the roles were reversed, right?

Because if a girl is calling a dude a pet name and is saying, babe, honey, baby, a dude would think she was being clingy and psycho as fuck. And run for the hills. Whereas in the opposite realm, we take it as like, oh, fuck boy material. And I love how you refer to it as fuck boy behavior to like immediately call...

a girl, a pet name right off the bat because I honestly, that's the only person I ever got it from. You know, I dated my ex for two and a half years and the only pet names I got were ugly, fat, crazy. Oh, yeah. Okay. Alex and I need to talk about her ex because it was so shocking, your relationship. But...

That is fucking horrifying. I also think saying babe, baby right off the bat is entitled.

Yeah. Right? Yes. It's like, why do you think you can call me that? Yeah, exactly. But also the old lady at Barnes and Noble with the tampon string hanging out calls me that. I love it. And I'm like, take me home and like cradle me. Whatever. I totally agree with you, girlfriend. And I think just pet names in general during sex...

I am not down with that shit. I'm thinking about the last 10 years of my life and all the sex I've had. I'm either calling them by name. They're calling me by my name. Or they're calling you by a different bitch's name. They're like Sophia with an F. The girl that you fucked before. Oh, yeah. Well, that has happened to me. But do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh my God, babe. I don't know. Yeah. I haven't had sex in so long, guys. I can't really give advice. We're dealing with a virgin. Yeah. Okay, next. Alex, you read this one, please. My pleasure. Thank you. Okay. I gave my boyfriend head with my mouth guard on. I just got a mouth guard and we were drunk. So I asked him if I could try giving him a blowjob while I had it on. I didn't think he would like it, but we gave it a try.

Needless to say, it was amazing considering the mouth guard is smooth, so my big-ass teeth did not get in the way of him having a top-notch BJ. I am hoping our fellow sleuths will no longer be afraid to give head with their retainer or mouth guard on. Okay, my first thought is like, damn, our grandma's be giving mad head out here after they take their dentures out. Like, what? Yeah.

That is fucking disgusting. But also, I absolutely love it. And the reason I love it is because I've been doing Invisalign.

for 27 years. This is not exaggerating. And I am in the last few months in the final stretch. We all know I'm going to forget to put my Invisalign in tonight for a week straight and have to redo the program again. But

I love this. And I have, I actually think about this, like even still, I'm like, oh, we're about to fuck. And like, I am supposed to be in my sexy mode. Should I take my Invisalign out? That is a thought that crosses my mind. No, bitch. Absolutely not. No, you should not take your Invisalign out. Do not take your mouth guard out.

Go for it. So you've given blowjobs with your Invisalign in? One thousand percent. Okay, well, that's great. Maybe every time you give a blowjob, it'll remind you to keep your fucking Invisalign in your mouth. To put it back in. Because you actually wear it. Our entire family has horse teeth. Like our teeth are, you could land a fucking plane on all of our teeth.

Teeth? Mouths? Wait. Teeth! Yes, we all have huge ass teeth. I'm going to get mouth guards for the entire fucking family for Christmas. That's what I'm going to do. So we can all give each other blowjobs. Oh my god. Oh my god! If I wasn't cancelled last year or last week or this week, now I am. Alex, you and I are the only family members hooking up. Okay, next question.

Alex, I'm excited for this one. Hello. I love the show. It's super funny. I feel I get an abdominal workout after the show because of how hard I laugh. My girlfriend is from Argentina. So I thought you and your family may be able to help. I sent a text message to my female cousin and this caused my girlfriend to get extremely upset.

despite me proving she was just family. Then my girlfriend visited me with her sister, and she went full insane thinking I was trying to sleep with her sister, to the point where she hit me. Damn. We are also routinely late to everything.

I love how he adds this in to his question. For example, when visiting my parents for dinner for the first time, we were two and a half hours late. Is this normal? I can tell from your podcast that you are quite an emotional person.

In a good way. And you are also Argentinian. Is this just part of the culture? I want my girlfriend to be a little crazy, but not this crazy. Thank you so much. Her pussy must be immaculate.

Okay, I will not speak on behalf of Argentines. Okay, that is not my role. I will not speak about an entire nationality. I will talk about my personal experience. The way your girlfriend is acting, thinking you're fucking your cousin and then wanting to sleep with her sister, it's extreme. Have I had these exact thoughts?

thoughts and insecurities before. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Have you?

It's just the Argentine in me. I have just never expressed it. I keep it to myself. I just internalize it. And I think that is a better way to deal with it. If you know your suspicions are like out of left field. You know what I'm saying? He's not fucking his cousin. That's a Utah thing. That's

That's not an urgent type thing. Oh my God. Just saying. I don't know what kind of boyfriend you are though because I always can see both sides to something. And I think if you have made her feel insecure in any way, if you've been shady in any way, if you're not a good boyfriend in any way, then I think her feelings are completely valid. So...

Is it Argentine or not? No, I'm not going to say it's an Argentine thing. Being late? 100%. Absolutely. 150%. I would go as far to say the crazy part as well. Really? Okay. I am different. I'm different. Passionate. Passionate.

Crazy. Let me just say, I have had non-Argentine people over to my house and when they come to a family party, Alex, they witness our family and they are like,

Did someone die? Why is there a huge fight? Why are people screaming? I'm scared. This is so intense. What's going on? And it's like, no, that's just like a regular conversation. Yeah, they're just like talking about their day. Yeah, literally. So it's a very intense culture. You can put it that way. Yeah, it is very intense. Very intense, very loud culture.

Very emphatic, very over the top. And that's all I'm going to say. All right. Moving on next. Hi, Sophia. Love you in the pod.

I am going to see a guy this weekend who lives about six hours away and we are meeting in the middle. We have met twice before in person and have been talking for about three months, but this is the first time we will spend together romantically. Can you please share all of your advice on weekend overnights with a new fling? How do I stay fresh after a three-hour car ride?

And if he's going to get to the hotel first. Okay, so she's like worried about showing up and like not being fresh. Got it. Do I wear makeup to bed? What do I pack? What do I wear during the day out to dinner? How do I get ready with him there? Please walk me through everything. I'm freaking the fuck out. Thank you in advance. Love you, Slu. I love this question. All right.

Let's take everything one by one. First question, how do I stay fresh when I roll up to the hotel and he's like waiting for me in the hotel room? Okay, classic. You take a Kesha shower. And if you guys have seen the music video TikTok by Kesha, you just grab a baby wipe, go to town on those armpits. I did not know there was a name for it, but that is fucking amazing. Kesha shower. Yes, absolutely.

Wet wipe, spray deodorant, perfume. Little summer's eve action. Use the wet wipe around your vagina, not inside because that could cause an infection, but around...

Put hairspray in your hair, not hairspray. Dry shampoo. Dry shampoo. You're golden. You're good to go. But also, like, what do you mean stay fresh? Like, what are you doing in that three-hour car ride? Wait, right? I go two weeks without showering, let alone a car drive. Like a...

Let alone a car ride. You and I are disgusting. When she said three hours, I was like, what is the issue? Twelve hours, maybe. So, girl, three hours, you are fine. But I get it. It's like a new thing. I understand. Cash a shower, you'll be good. Do you wear makeup to bed? Yeah. I mean, I do that every night. Every night. That's true. So...

We should not be giving advice, probably. Yes, unless you... We need to practice hygiene is what we need to do. Unless you feel that your skincare routine is super important and you need to take your makeup off at night, then I think absolutely take your makeup off. You're going to spend the entire weekend with him. He's going to see you for who you are. You know what I'm saying? That is without makeup.

Beyond the makeup. Beyond the eyelashes. Yes. What do I pack? Well, I don't know where the fuck you guys are meeting. That would help me answer the question. But if it's just the weekend, you pack one going out outfit, one cute outfit, but it's like sneakers, jeans and a cute top.

One sexy going to bed outfit, which let's be real. If you guys are fucking like it, you don't need a going to bed outfit.

A swimming suit, always. What else, Alex? A toiletry bag. Yes, I think she has that covered. Girlfriend, you've got this. You're overthinking it. One going out outfit, one just cutish outfit that is not heels, and then one super casual outfit, sweats and a hoodie. Okay, next question. How do I get ready with him there? Okay.

This is the most complicated one, I think. Really? Yes. I completely disagree. Why? How do you get ready with him there? Yeah. Like, what do you mean? Like, your makeup or your clothes? I mean... Her makeup. I hate to break it to you, but you're human and you wear makeup. It's not that big of a deal. No, Alex. It's a big deal when you are halfway done with your makeup and he walks in...

and your face is white, and you're in the middle of contouring, and you have black lines across your face, then it's a big deal. Lock that fucking door until your setting spray is on. But then it, like, it's kind of weird. It's like, what is she up to? I understand where this girl is coming from. If a guy walks in halfway makeup, I want to die. Or I used to. I don't really care that much anymore. Yeah.

There's nothing you can do about it. So I think own it and maybe tell him you're jumping in the shower and

And just extend the shower a little bit longer. Do the fucking scary makeup part. So if he does walk in on you, you at least have your fucking contour rubbed in. And you don't look like you're trying to do a skeletal face Halloween mask. That's my advice. And that's it. Okay, sleuths. I love, love, love, love you guys so much. Thank you for supporting me. Alex.

What's your name? Alex. On Instagram. Plug your shit. Alex Franco underscore meow. And you guys know where to find me. I love you. Thank you. And I will see you next week.