29: Nothing Worse Than A Hot Girl - ft. Nikki Glaser 57:23

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Hello. Hello. Welcome to SWAFF, short for Sophia with an F. I'm

I have a major guest this week. I am actually shocked that she agreed to do this gnarly fucking show that I have going here, but she did. We are going to have Nikki Glaser joining us. I do want to give everybody a potential trigger warning because we do discuss some sensitive material regarding sex abuse at one point, so TW. TW.

Before we jump into it, though, you guys, I want to give you a little update. So I have been in Miami for the past five days. I just wanted to go and have some drinks and dip my toes in the sand. What is that fucking Incubus song? I dip my toes into the sand.

I just I wanted to get away. I know that I was just in Yosemite National Park for an outdoorsy, hikingy, rock climbing, naturey, can't get away. But we all know how that turned out. It was an extremely traumatic trip for me. If you haven't heard that episode, go check it out.

I cried at the top of a mountain because of my fear of heights and I had to crawl back down. It was a whole thing. So I just, I needed this Miami trip. I needed a vacation from the vacation.

These fucking influencers out here, I am telling you, I actually follow this one influencer on Instagram. I just need to say this. She went on a trip to the Maldives with her boyfriend. The trip looked insane. They were like on the beach all day drinking margaritas.

And then on her way back, on her first class flight home, she posted that she needed to do a serious detox after her trip.

And she went and like posted up at this insanely luxurious health spa. And like, I think it was like Palm Springs or some shit. I don't remember, but I did look it up. It was a thousand dollars a night to drink fucking green juice and get colonics all day to, and to detox from what laying on the beach. Like she actually needed a vacation from her vacation. It was an after vacation. Yeah.

Girl, I can hear the world's smallest, tiniest violin playing right now. Even though I literally just exposed myself for doing the same thing. But mine was different, okay? Vacations are not an indicator of how amazing someone's life is. I don't care what Instagram or TikTok is trying to tell you. Usually when I go on vacation, quotation marks, it's because I'm about to lose my fucking mind.

So it was good to get away. Mental health at a seven, at an eight, at a fucking eight. Here's the fucking update that I wanted to tell all of you guys. You're going to die. Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. You've heard me talk about it. A producer for the show reached out, not to me, to my mom to use my mom's house for one of the housewives to live in for a few months.

First of all, the disrespect to just bypass asking my mom to be on the show and just to ask to use her house. Rude. Secondly, why is Bravo asking to use like our fucking house? Are there no Airbnbs available? Is Bravo's production budget like that fucking low that they needed to use my Sloot Media headquarters to film in?

And I just don't know how it'd be possible. You have me in the basement running a fucking empire. My brother upstairs screaming at his video games for 12 hours a day. My mom scrolling on Raya in the living room. Yes, by the way, she is on Raya, you guys. I just don't get it. And I need some fucking answers. I'm not really down, though, because it's actually extremely fucking invasive when you think about it. Imagine having your bathroom filmed on national television. Imagine.

I may or may not have invested in a squatty potty recently. And that is between me and God. And I don't need everyone hearing or seeing it, even though I'm saying it right fucking now. Anyway, I doubt we actually do it. We. I doubt my mom actually does it.

But if she does, you best believe I will be making a cameo. You're going to see me in the background. Actually, no, I'm going to place Sophia with an F paraphernalia all over the motherfucking house. There will not be a scene that airs that does not have some sloot media ad placement. I promise you, I don't care if I have to fucking wrap the fridge in swath wallpaper.

I will be getting some promotion out of it. Okay, let's get into the fucking episode. Make sure to stay tuned for questions at the end. Nikki Glaser, for those of you who don't know and you should know, is a star comedian known as one of the funniest female voices in comedy today. She has produced and hosted two TV shows. She has also starred in multiple stand-up specials. Overall, she is a boss-ass bitch, and I'm so excited to have her on.

So Nikki, I intro'd you earlier. I didn't want to do it in front of you because when people do that shit to me, it makes me super uncomfortable, right? Yes. It makes me uncomfortable. So I'm glad that I didn't have to listen to that because when people play clips of mine to intro me, when I call into radio shows, I always have to go, I don't know what you will say will either be not enough or like it will always be not enough.

And if it's, but I also don't want it to be too glorifying because I'm like, no, I'm a fraud or it's just, it's better for me not to hear. My natural instinct. I want to be like, I am not that fucking cool. Like that's not even real. Like I did not do blah, blah, blah. Right. So I would say that's why people like you though. So is that like honesty of being like, um, I know I project this, but that's not the case. Like I struggle with that a lot because honestly,

As someone who becomes like a voice for women empowerment, you get put in this position of always having to speak from a place of like, I like myself and I'm perfect. And I know I'm not perfect. And you have to talk from this place of like,

acceptance that we haven't all arrived at. Like you can't just like snap your fingers and like your body, no matter how much I'm yelled at about it. So the fact that you're just honest about the fact that like, I feel like a fraud. And when you say that, that makes me feel really uncomfortable because I don't believe it about myself. But it's interesting to take that apart and go, you, we don't like to hear praise because we think we've tricked people into thinking we're good. And then when we hear it back to us,

we maybe start to believe it and then we get scared of it. I don't know. I think for me, I'm terrified of people thinking that I think I'm cool as shit. Like not a fan of Donald Trump, but there are certain aspects of his personality. I wish I had the delusion of just like, I am the best thing on planet Earth. I wish I had that a little bit.

So you don't, you don't. Okay. So let's, let's take that part. You wish you didn't care what people think so much, or you wish you didn't have, or you wish you had a grander sense of self than you were. You don't wish that if you really, someone could, you would snap your fingers and you would be a delusional person that, you know, some people fall for it and think that you are what you say you are, but most people go, okay, but Nikki, you wouldn't want that. A lot.

Really, though, because I'm going to disagree with you. I think a lot of people fall for it considering Donald Trump was the president. You know what I'm saying? No, a lot of people do. But those people...

in my opinion, those people, and that's just my opinion, aren't seeing things clearly. And that's like a personality disorder that brings about like humans, like suffering to other people to get what you want. And that when you're able to look at it that way, you don't want that for yourself because it's, that would suck. It's nice that you care about what people think because that means that you care about people, I think. Like you want to make people happy and you want to please people. And I think,

a little bit or a lot of bit of delusion can take you far because if you're, right, if you're so like self doubtful, it, you know, it stops you in your tracks. It does. You're right. That's, but that's if you want power. And so, yes, I agree with you. Like if you want power and money, I mean, these people aren't happy. It's endless for them. The search for like, yes, proving to people who they are, who they want to be. Yeah.

So there's no gratification in it. But yes, you do get rich and you do run companies and you do like a lot of psychopaths are not like murderous. They're just the head, they're CEOs because it works. They're smart and they learn manipulative techniques to make people who might not know what they're doing and be more...

susceptible to brainwashing behavior and just like, you know, aggression, like a subconscious aggression that they don't even know that they're doing, but they learn how to manipulate people and people fall for it. And yes, that's, I get that there are some times I'm like, man, I wish I had Kanye's confidence, right? Kanye deserves to be that confidence because he...

Maybe there's a little delusion there because he does suffer from mental illness, which bipolar, I think you have, you know, you can have spikes where you have illusions of grandeur and think you're God and stuff. So there's a little bit of that. But where's the line there of like, I'm, I'm, I'm the best and I deserve to be here and all this, like the best and,

And then also what's the step to like, I'm Jesus. Cause that, let me go. That person's crazy. But up until that, we're like, yeah, believe in yourself. It's like, we can't all be the best. Right. Right. And then also, I mean, if you think about it, it can cause your downfall also, you know, if you like take it too far. I think Kanye for a second, people were like, what the fuck? And it's, it's, it's different for a man too. I want to, I think that when a man is like bad-ass and very confident,

We just, it just makes sense. We're kind of like, yeah, he's right. He must be right. He is, you know? And when a woman is that,

I mean, there are ways... I'm not saying that every woman who's confident is called a bitch or a boss bitch or whatever. There are some women that just really can exude something that's like a masculine type energy that's intimidating and gets people to do what they want. But it is harder as a woman, I think, to believe in yourself and to be confident because...

the set, like I really struggle with the sexy thing. We were just talking about like how sexy do I want to look for a podcast? I was searching for a shirt and I'm like, why would this, this look to be like a sexy top half of me? Like, like maybe do a little sex because I just feel like that's your vibe. And then I was like, oh, but I don't want to be too sexy because I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard. I don't want people to think that I'm cool or hot. I don't want people to think that I think I'm hot.

It is such, you know what else I think about? What? So weird. If a girl is covered up and still looks hot, she is hotter to me because she could pull it off without like showing skin and shit. Yeah, but either should be okay. And either. And like, that's why I like, I used to really be so jealous of Emily Radajowski because she's confident and totally sexual and sometimes almost like,

And I say this with respect, almost pornographic. Like she toes that line where she's, you know, she's topless in that one video, Blurred Lines. She was just gorgeous. She was topless in Gone Girl. She's very sexual and like,

But it was acceptable, you know? And it was like, no one was like shaming her about her being like, she's just a hot girl. And you know what? Actually, I don't know that. And I bet they did. But then now she just... She still... She leans into it. She's so hot. She is a sexual person. And she can also be an amazing writer and artist. And both things can be true. Like...

models have multitudes. And guess what? And me as a comedian, people get, I put out one video a week ago for the first time ever of me in a swimsuit, like act, like since I've had as many followers as I have. And cause I was just, I wasn't trying to like seduce anyone, even if I did, but if I did want to, actually, I will not say I didn't, wasn't totally trying to, I looked good. The video passed the test.

Yes. But it was funny in and of itself. But guess what? It doesn't even need to be funny in and of itself. I hate when people are like, it's clear she's just trying to be hot because the caption is about like happy Earth Day and she's in a, you know, a blue bikini. And so she's thinking about the Earth, like, you know, she tied it. It's like, so what?

Why can't she just be hot? Why do we have to have an excuse? Just let us be hot if we want to. And is that so bad that we want to look sexual? I'm single and I want to find a husband. I would like to project something that I have to offer that isn't like wacky punchlines. Stop.

Guys, people, listen to what Nikki's saying right now, okay? She's like fucking telling us her soul. You can be sexy and funny and nervous and ADD and a dork, but you can also be sexy. It doesn't have to be this thing that we all go, I don't want to be that. It's like slut shaming in this other form. Like we're all so scared to be sluts. I'm such a slut. And I say that with like,

You know, I know that there's like this new empowerment of like, I'm a slut. But I mean, like, I really love sex and I don't do it ever. Wow. Yeah, because I don't mess around with penises inside me anymore unless that dude loves me. I can't fuck with it because so many times in my life, I'm looking back on it, like taking stock of everything. And the core issue was like,

when I, when I gave it up too soon, when I slept with them too soon and I'm reading all these books about it. And there's this book called getting to, I do that. I like to like tell people about, because it's a book that is the worst title ever. Cause it sounds like this, like how to get married, but it was written in the nineties by this woman. And it just talks about this. Like there's many different things in this book that will help you as a woman or help you as a man understand women. Is this the book you were talking about where, um,

you really focus on masculine and feminine energy. Yes. I listen to that. This is the one. Thank you. It cracks it open. So like, that's one whole facet of the book, but there's another one that is about having sex, letting their penis in you, either vaginally, orally, anally. Okay. So I, this is very difficult because when you're falling in love with someone or you like hooking up with someone,

to not do those things is very difficult. But if you want a commitment with that person and you're headed towards like, I'd like this person to be my boyfriend, you can't give them those things yet because...

there's this weird... Guys, first of all, they won't respect you just because biologically, they just... Men are threatened by women who have more partners. And so the idea that you might have given up too soon to them somewhere deep in their subconscious will annoy them because it's just their biology. Don't you think though, it depends on the dude. And this is from my perspective, my last two boyfriends, I...

I slept with them on the first date and I was with both of them for like three years. You're like, yeah, bitch, but you're not married. So like, what the fuck? But no, that's no, that's not my point. There are definitely times where this is not the way it works, but this is like a foolproof plan to not end up with someone you aren't meant to be with. So the basic step is if you're if you are dating a guy, don't don't do anything sexually with him, because if I've learned anything, it is that sleeping with a guy, sleeping

in order to get him to love you will never work. We think it works because it's our love language. When a guy fucks us, we fall in love deeper. For a guy, they fall less in love because of the virtue thing. You've given it up too soon. But they also biologically, when a man has an orgasm, they are compelled to like not want to fuck you again because biologically that was a waste of their semen to fuck something twice. Yeah.

because you already did it once. This woman, if she's capable of having your babies for the tribe, like that would have done it. So I'm going to move on to the next teepee. So like when a guy comes, they're kind of like, oh, they're interested in new changes. And we've all felt this on every level of any relationship that a guy before he comes and after he comes is a very different guy, right? And we're maybe more loved up afterwards because for us,

when we have orgasms, we admit... For us to have an orgasm, this is all in this book, the amount of oxytocin that it takes to set off an orgasm for us is way more than a male orgasm. So what that means is that we are getting... We're doing a very intense drug that has...

withdrawal symptoms, especially if you're doing it a lot, if you're hitting that orgasm button and also breathing in their scent and feeling them inside you, you bond to them in a way that is an addiction. And then you have, it's two years. If you let them, that your body will still crave them for two years. They've like done research. What?

but that's why you can't let them in you until you're willing to take that risk of, this might take two years to get over this person because you're going to be more in love. They're going to be less in love. Like in the time since I've set this rule for myself where I don't have sex unless the person loves me and I want, I get a commitment from them. Longevity, you get longevity, promise of longevity, commitment and consistency. So only we're fucking each other. This is probably going to be for a long time and it's going to be a lot often. That's what you want.

before you enter into sex. It's all in the book. I'm like learning this book and teaching it from podcast to podcast. But it's so important because it's changed the way I've looked. And what it does is it sets women up to...

be to have a guy work for you because if you put out a line that says I don't do this I take you seriously enough to like if I have sex with you I'm gonna love you even more I can't risk that because that's gonna fuck up my world yeah and make me cry make me a burden to all my friends so I'm not giving you that yet and and it makes them respect you more they want you

guys always want what they can't have. It's just the truest thing ever. Don't give in no matter what, but it's hard not to blow them. I will say that. And I have slipped there and I don't blame you. It's not as, listen, there's no bad and you can always reverse it. If this is about, if you're thinking this, like, oh no, I've already slept with this guy that I like.

You just stop. Stop. No more vag... No more vagina. No more mouth. You can stop. You can stop after you've done it. So you tell him, you go, listen, I take you seriously. Women, most women aren't working from their feminine energy. So they'll relate to this. I am actually a masculine energy woman. So it's like a little bit more complicated. But most women...

will really benefit from always leading with your feelings with your man. Whoever made the first move in your relationship is probably the masculine energy. So that might be you as a woman. And that means your man has a feminine energy, but it doesn't mean he's gay. It's like less men have it, but

it's still a sexy thing. There's many feminine energy men who are sexy as fuck. Absolutely. But it's more likely that you are the feminine energy woman. The person in that role needs to always lead with their feelings because you need to decide in a relationship, do you want your feelings? Yes.

or your thoughts respected because both cannot be happening. They can switch. Like you guys can switch, but you must switch at the same time because you can't have two people that are begging for their feelings to be felt and cherished. You have to have someone who's respected and makes the decisions. But that can switch because the bedroom, I like to be very submissive. Outside of that, I'm pretty dominant. Like I want to pick out where we're going to eat. I'll make it schedule. I want that person, I need someone to just like absorb everything

but I also am very emotional. So I lead usually with men because the thing I want nurtured more than anything is my feelings. I feel respected outside. Like I, my name's in lights. I have a podcast.

I don't need my husband to respect my talent. I want him to think I'm funny, but I want him to hold me when I'm crying and be like, I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. Like, that's what I need. So I always lead with feelings because a guy that you're meant to be with is going to love that and like soak that up. And they're going to be so turned on by that. When you get into, I think I, you should these, like, I thinks I know it sounds counterintuitive to be like, to tell women, just don't ever tell him what you think, but don't.

Like it's, and he should talk to you like that. And you can still get your feelings met, but it's what you're, if your feelings, if you want your feelings cherished in a romantic relationship, you got to pick that one and stick with it. And you will attract the right person.

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So you should start off when you are talking to your significant other, if you care more about your feelings than your thoughts, you should start everything by saying, I feel. Yes. And then if you, you should, she says in the book, you should never ask a man how he feels. So you can't ask him how he feels, right? Don't ever say, how are you feeling? She says, how are you feeling?

She goes, only ask a man how he feels if he is on fire. Like, like that is the only, don't, don't, men don't want to talk about their feelings. We all know that. So like err on that side. But this could also be the opposite. So this is where it's tricky. But here's the big thing in the book and I want to like close out this segment. And seriously, getting to I do, it's all in this book. I'm reading it. It's fascinating. Even if you're in a marriage, you guys will, you'll understand your dynamics a little bit more. This woman's brilliant. Her name's Pat, Dr. Pat Allen. And she's this like,

She's done science on the scientific research and she's done so many case studies. She's like 90 years old. She's been around forever and talked to so many. She's collected so much data, but in her method works. My friends have read this book and they're engaged now to guys that used to like, they used to sleep with who wouldn't call them and who were like, they were the other woman pushed aside. What is the name of the book again? Yeah.

Tell us the name again. Getting to I do. And guys, I don't care. Guys can know that we're reading this. You should know that you're reading this because we're coming for you. We've learned how to trick you into loving us and saying and committing to us because we're so scared. I'm always so scared in a relationship because I'm like,

I don't want him to leave me. Like, just don't, I'll do whatever I can do to keep you. And that works for some men, but it works for pussies. And if you really, and you don't want a pussy, you want a guy who's going to fight for you. So when you tell this guy, listen, I know we've been sleeping together and that's been our relationship, but I have, I honestly feel like I could be in love with you or be falling in love with you or have the potential. Like I see you as someone I'd want to be with and,

And I need you to know that. And because of that, I can no longer sleep with you because it's connect, it's, it, it physically binds me to you against my own. And I can't do that anymore because it doesn't,

based on what you're giving me, I don't see, like I ask him what he went. And if you feel the same way, we can talk about that. But that's, I just wanted you to know that. So, so basically if you're sleeping with a dude and you start to have feelings for him, you think it's okay to just be straight up, tell him how you're feeling because the right guy can handle it. Be honest. Like,

it's, I learned this so late and it's still not perfect at it because I fall for guys that are unavailable in myriad ways. But what has never led me astray is just telling, being blunt. And even with guys that you reject being like, Hey, I feel a friend vibe that gives them the signal to like, okay, if they have a shot with you, they got to change that vibe. And like,

be honest. Like, cause if this guy's cute, but he's like getting a friend vibe, like it's like, okay, I'm going to tell you why I don't like you. And this is something that you can maybe fix because we have to communicate more. So tell this guy literally cut off the sex. And I know it sucks girls. I know it sucks. You like having, I like fucking him. I like sex as much as guys do. Some of you do. Some women have a lot of masculine energy. And so they do like, they don't bond from sex as much as other women do. But like,

But you don't lie to yourselves, girls, because when... And I don't mean to talk down to you because I'm... Nikki, too. Don't lie to yourself, Nikki, because I blew someone who was not my boyfriend. I am bonded to him in a way that I am recovering from currently because I took... I made that risk. They're in you. Their penis is in you. See, that's where, like, I've never understood when women...

won't have sex, but they're down to blow him. And I think your argument is the oxytocin. I was going to say oxycontin. They're similar. They're similar drugs. That's what oxycontin does is it shoots off oxytocin. That's how it got its name. And so are you down with him eating you out? Yeah, they can do anything. They can do anything to you. That's the beauty of it. You can go, you can finger me as much as you want. You can go down on me. I don't like, but don't do

anything to them and be like, that's all I can offer you until you actually, and you don't want to be with a guy who doesn't consider you girlfriend material anyway. And the thing is they might not, they might, this is what happens. This is, so this is the clincher. If you're writing down anything, this is the clincher. So when you give a guy that ultimatum and he is all of a sudden, like he's going to feel very threatened.

Because his sex source is being taken away. The thing that he can always count on and go explore relationships with other women and not ever like actually treat you like you're a real possibility. So he's going to be mad and he's going to go, fuck it. And he's like going to say whatever to you or he won't or he loves you. And then boom, you're his girlfriend. That probably won't happen. Yeah.

he'll get pissed and then you no contact with him block him on your socials block because he he's gonna try to get hits of you here and there that can sustain him yeah like if he hears your podcast this sucks for us because we have podcasts and they can listen to him we can't block them from our podcast so they feel like they're hanging out with us so they can go for longer without us but what you need to do is make that guy picture his life without you completely no texting no

No emailing, nothing. You got to force his hand and make him see what his life is without you. And the thing is, he might not be into you. So here's the tip. You have to wait eight weeks before you give up on him. Whoa. Women start missing guys right away. We are different. We start missing men right away because we are so chemically bonded to them, especially if you're having sex.

Put your foot down. No texting. No. And if he reaches out to you, no thumb zumping, nothing. You don't exist. You're dead to him. And it should be so hard. I haven't even been able to do this really. It's really hard. No cryptic story messages, which is what I've, you know, sneakily done. But that's okay if you make those slips, but really no contact. And then after eight weeks, if you haven't heard from him, let him go. But it takes men four weeks before they even start feeling as much as we miss them right away. Where is this?

this information? Is this your like clinically? Wow. Okay. So after six weeks, four to six weeks is going to be your sweet spot, but you don't give up until eight weeks and don't set your calendar. Like don't set an alarm on your calendar like eight weeks, even though I've definitely done that and might currently have one, you know, counting down as we speak. But just have, because the thing is, but if you haven't heard from him, buy

by the time that date rolls around, you won't be thinking about him that much anymore. It's eight weeks is so long that you, what you are helping yourself by cutting yourself off from him, but really it is about him. You do not allow him to have access to you because he knows that in order to do so, he must be able to offer you the kind of commitment you want, the kind of consistency you want and the kind of longevity you want. And if you don't, if he can't, you'll find out, but it takes eight weeks. So there's hope.

For eight weeks, that's kind of fun. But you must be diligent and not let them get hits of you because they'll take little hits. The fact that you said the eight weeks, the amount of times that I have friends or anyone going through a breakup, their number one question is, how long do I have to wait before I reach out? Or how long until he's going to reach out to me? I was hoping one of my friends who used this book and it worked said,

she was so addicted to this guy because she would have sex with him, the best sex ever. She was so deeply in love. This went on for six years of my life. I was very close to this person. I heard about him all the time and it got to the point where I was like, I might have to like do an intervention where I have to kick her out. Like I had to have a conversation of like, if you don't get help for this,

I can't be in your life anymore because it was that addicting. Right. And she would just like spiral when she would get in touch with him and he, when he would reach out and he was such an asshole. I hated him. I literally was hoping he would like die tragically because I was like, I want my friend back. And this guy will never give her the life. That guy is now.

They are the happiest couple. I envy their relationship. Shut the fuck up. I'm not... Stop. Nothing I'm saying is a lie. I do not lie. Nothing I'm saying is a lie right now. And all she did was read this book. And my other friend, too, did the same thing. Not with a guy that was as bad, but a guy that would have done the same shit that every guy does to you, which is you won't love you, you know, like won't give in because they're scared. This forces a guy to go, I love her so much. I am going to like...

and beg for her back or I'm going to come back or I'm going to swallow my pride and reach out to her. The way that I talk about dating, I have said the complete opposite of everything you just said. I always tell women, play the game. If you want to sleep on the first day, you can never, ever, ever, ever bring up to him that you want something more and you want it to be serious. So I am just like,

damn, I need to get this fucking book because it really is so counterintuitive. And I know that like that was the rhetoric that has been going around forever. And it is what led us to have the, this is all the way that women and men interact now. I used to always think just like, like,

The feminist movement led women to go get our own jobs and have casual sex, have orgasms, masturbate, like sex as much as men. But that kind of goes against the nature of things, which is the man does want to feel in charge. And we like to be felt, we like to be protected by that man. So these ways that have made us so equal in the workplace, which thank fucking God is why I can have...

this conversation with you on your own podcast and be my own. And you know, it's like, thank God for the feminist movement, but it's the one downside is that it is really scared men and it's made men feel like impotent around us. And we have to find ways to nurture that side of ourselves that we're turning a blind eye to because we have to be so empowered now. And it's not have to be, but kind of like,

It's okay to be a feminine, whether you're a man or a woman. Like, it's not weakness. It's like getting back to your feelings. Right. That's what we put down so much. Right. Which I think that there is a trend though right now, like the neo-feminism, the lipstick lesbian, like now we're starting to kind of embrace like the sexy side. Right. And our feminine energy. Yeah.

I feel like it doesn't need a brand. Like, it's just like wanting women... It doesn't. ...wanting everyone to be equal. I just think that you can be sexy. You can be anything you want. Just be whatever you fucking want to be. And if you're trying to be sexy, of course you are. Sexiness gets men to like you. When men like you, they want everything. They give you shit. When men like you, they might commit to you. Of course I'm trying to get men to like me. And one of the ways to do that...

is to be sexy. And I'm sorry that I'm also going to be funny too. Like, why can't I be both? I just don't get it. And I've had a lot of my friends who are well-meaning women who love me and are such feminists steer me away from being sexy. They go, we're not going to go sexy. Like, we're going to like, and don't do the sexy thing. Like they'll say little things like that, that undermine me, that go like, that are supposed to build me up. But it's like, just be sexy. I didn't, you know, I had,

People that I was romantically involved with try to discourage me from being sexy because when I'm sexy to other women, it might be a threat because I feel it too. But even to men though, even, but even to, no, I mean, I get it. But also even to men, I remember I was having a conversation with one of my straight guy friends and he said, there is nothing more annoying than a hot girl trying to be funny.

And I was like, why the fuck does it matter if she's hot, if she's ugly? Like, it is a thing. You know, I used to feel this way. I used to be like, why are hot people funny? They don't deserve to be. But it's funny because when I first got in the stand-up scene, I was bullied by this

female standup who was very, very cute, very funny, older than me. Oh, I would never, I couldn't because I know, like, I think she's changed even though, I mean, I probably owe her an apology for how much I've talked about her over the years. And like anyone who was in the scene knows who it was. Um, but she was just really, she spread lies about me, like having sex with people for stage time. Cause she was threatened by me. And she used to say about me, um,

I remember one time it was at an open mic and someone overheard her say like the high school cheerleader is not supposed to be the comedian, which I was annoyed by because the fact that, well, I was flattered at first because I was like, Oh my God. Yeah. Like I didn't know how to do my makeup when I was 20, when I was like 20, 19 around when I started doing comedy. So I learned how to like look cute. I was also like getting out of an eating disorder. So I had a little meat on my bones, but I was really like stick thin. And I was like,

you know, I'm tall. So it looks maybe like young anorexic model-y, but like not hot or sexy. I didn't know how to dress. I wasn't like exuding sex. I wasn't even getting my period. So it sounds like I was like trying to seduce anyone.

I got so much shit from her just based on the fact that I did look like someone who would have been popular or wanted by men. And I used to feel the same way about comics and say, like, you know, Jeff Dye can't be funny. He's too hot. People say that about him. I know that he's addressed that. And the thing is, he is funny because...

He doesn't think he's hot. Like he might now, and I hope he does because he is, but like he grew up not feeling attractive. So it doesn't matter if you are, and it doesn't matter if you always were, if you don't feel good about yourself inside, you are entitled to, um,

you know, seek that and nurture that later if you want to. Um, and, and, and like that, that, but you can be whatever you want to be. Like people can be, I hate that models can be funny, but some models are like, have been through a lot of trauma. That is a little bit more than me feeling ugly. Like my trauma is like, I'm a comedian. Cause I felt ugly. Some models are like molested and went into modeling, but, or something less like something tragic.

that they were maybe, and most models are awkward looking all through high school. So I imagine they probably didn't feel cool. So they probably built a sense of humor. Something terrible must have happened. And then they turn out to be a model, but they're like the funniest person you've ever met. I've met those, but the people that I know that have been and have come to terms with it and talk openly about it, I'm always like, oh my God, you are,

are you've had to do work on yourself and get to a place to make it through that that I haven't had to so you're just immediately a cooler person so put that out there because I think a lot of people like I like I don't know I just whenever I get a chance to whenever I steer the conversation violently into uh molestation I just feel like I I truly wasn't molested to my knowledge and I would bet that I wasn't I don't think I stored it anywhere but I do have weird things about sex

I have read a lot about molestation. I have researched it because I just like want to understand it. And I can't, cause I can't imagine. I'm so scared of it because I'm so scared of sex. And I just, the more I talk to people, the more I know, think that,

Everyone was molested. So many fucking people that I know, like to an insane degree. Yeah. And that's just the people, you know, and you're fairly young. I would say that it really starts coming out with like the people in your group when they reach to get into their 30s. And the thing is, no one talks about it, though, because even if someone maybe admitted to a therapist or maybe admitted to their wife,

The fact that they're not able to reference that the way someone would reference, like I was in a car crash and lost my parents. Like with that, it's like not your fault or like with like, it's met with pity a little bit, which some people are very don't want. But if you are able to talk about your molestation, if someone out there who's listening to this, that was molested, which I think all of you were based on what we were like, what I'm saying is that like, I know,

to just empower people if this is the sign you need to maybe address what happened to you because a lot of men are scared. Do you have a lot of male listeners? What are we working with here? I think it was 10 episodes ago. I like want to look at my phone. I had this character, MILF Hunter. Come on. That name is horrible. He knows it. It's funny. But

He is one of my really good friends and he came on the episode. We did like a two hour episode. I think it's called Mr. Mrs. Sloop for anyone listening that wants to check it out. And he...

openly about being molested when he was like 12 or 13. I love that. Let's say that right now. Like go back and listen to that one. Nikki, I kind of think if you are over comedy, you should get your medical degree and become a psychiatrist. I think you would kill it. I would

I would love to do it someday. It's always nice that like I'm so interested in it that I could be as passionate about it as comedy. So it could happen. Who knows? Yeah. Nikki, this took a fucking turn. I was not planning on talking about how much it I think it was so important. I think it was

So amazing. Me too. So thank you so much, Nikki. Where can they find you? Okay. So I have a podcast. I do this every day. I talk about stuff that is this important, but also really dumb stuff on my, uh, it's called the Nikki Glaser podcast. It's Monday through Thursday. Um,

um everywhere you get podcasts but it's a daily show it's really fun it's me and my best friend and my roommate uh Andrew Collin who is a hilarious comedian and we just go through like headlines and talk about this kind of shit and it's daily and you can jump in whenever you don't have to like be like we'll catch you up with the show lingo and stuff it's just like a daily morning show uh so I hope you subscribe Nikki Glaser podcast I've been listening to it you guys and it's actually my new favorite podcast and I'm not even exaggerating thank you

Also, you need to follow this bitch on Instagram. Your Instagram videos had me rolling on the floor. So fucking funny. Plus her bikini photos because she can be funny and hot. I put up one bikini video and it's obviously the most watched one. I'm like, oh, there is something to this, but who cares? All right, Nikki. Thank you so, so, so, so much. Thank you so much. We had so fun.

I'm

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All right, sleuths, the time has come. Let's get into some fucking questions, please. All right. My husband and I have been together for five, almost six years, and I love him to death. We are soulmates and are truly building a life together. I just want to say can't relate, but I can relate because my relationship is healthy. Yeah.

But his sister is not a good mom, and that in turn ends up affecting our relationship. She is chronically leaving her children with us, and they are messy. It's annoying, and she does it without even asking. She just dumps them. I end up having to help with homework and care for them when I just want to have a glass of wine and go to sleep for the night or watch Housewives. Housewives

How do I approach this and say enough is enough? I want to be subtle since I love the kids and don't not want them around. Just want to see them less. Okay, I think this goes without saying. Do not, Slu, listen to me, please bring this up to his sister directly. Bring it up to her kids.

Johnny and Sally, it's not me. It's you. You guys are little shits, and I need you to tell your mom you hate it here, or the next time she drops you off, you guys need to sit on the front porch until she gets back. I'm kidding. Obviously, you need to let your husband know how you are feeling, and then let him decide how he wants to bring it up to his sister. And I don't know if I am just an extremely blunt person in relationships, but...

I feel that if I was married to someone for almost six years, I would not have a problem saying, babe, love you, love your sister and her two little angels. But enough is enough. Am I crazy? Like, I'm surprised you've held it in for this long.

Honestly, because it's not like you're telling him it's either me or the kids you pick. You're not suggesting anything crazy. You're not like, um, next time they come over, can we put them on a leash, tie them to the fence in the backyard and leave them by the water bowl?

It's your your act. You're asking for something completely reasonable. Just go into the conversation with a very clear boundary of what you're down with and what you're not. How many days a week or a month you're willing to have the kids over? Let him know that you need a heads up before there's fucking dropped off like a baby in a basket.

The topic of family is a really sensitive one. I know this. I get super protective personally if anything is said about my family. So just approach it, you know, with a lot of love and understanding and say that you know his sister. I just want to say, you know, his sister is not a good mom. Absolutely under no circumstances say that his sister is not a good mom.

Keep those little details to yourself. Write them in your diary. Don't make it about his family. Make it about you and how you just need time to unwind and relax. It's super reasonable and your husband should absolutely understand. Next.

I love the podcast. I listen every week. My question is, do you think it's weird if a son age 27, my boyfriend and his mother have I love you more fights? Oh, my God. I love you. No, I love you more. I would freak the fuck out.

It honestly creeps me out and I don't want to say it to him because he clearly likes doing it. His mom also babies him so much and it's so annoying. Any advice? Just reading this question, I feel creeped out. The only person I do this with is my grandma who is 80. If I had to hear my boyfriend get...

off a call with his mom and it took an extra 10 minutes because they were playing the I love you, no, I love you more game, my vagina would dry up so fucking fast. Like I would not fuck him for a week. You're asking me for advice. This is a tough one.

Similar to the last question, I don't think you can approach this conversation head on. Like you and your mom have the most ridiculous relationship. You can't do that. You cannot talk about the family.

Would just throw subtle jabs to make him feel stupid about it. Is that healthy? I don't know. Is it toxic? Maybe. That's my honest opinion. I am just speaking from personal experience. I would just start saying shit.

under my breath, like not even under my breath. I would just say stuff like, did you really just have your mom pick up and drop off your laundry for you? Or did you honestly just let your mom pay for your rent this month? Grow up. I love how you say subtle jobs and then that's what comes out of my mouth. Something along those lines because I

If you say anything about his mom or his relationship with her, that's no good. Let him know, like, I don't want to have babies with a baby. So stop acting like one, you big fat baby. You big overgrown baby. Okay, next. Sophia, I have a regular thing with a hot guy who I know is a total fuckboy.

I am not looking for anything serious right now. So we were both clear about this arrangement from the beginning. The problem is I think that he is starting to catch feelings. The last few times we hooked up, he ended up sleeping over, snuggling with me and holding my hand and taking me out to breakfast in the morning.

Disgusting. I am not used to this behavior from him or anyone else I've casually hooked up with. Have you ever experienced this? Not sure if I should be chill about it or cut him loose. Okay. I... Have I ever experienced this? Uh...

Probably, maybe. I think I'm the type of person that if I'm having casual sex with a guy and he starts behaving that way, like he wants more than that, I am the type that I would indulge him and I would low-key, high-key probably date him for a month or two and then just completely ghost him and cut him out of my life.

Because that is just the type of bitch I am. But this is my advice. I do not think that you need to cut things off. If you really love the sex, like why cut off a good thing? I just think that you should set some clear guidelines for the fuck buddy situation you're in or want to stay in. No sleeping over, buddy.

You know what this is. Let him know. Be like, you come and go. I did not even do that on purpose. Get it. Come see you, Em. I'm a fucking podcast lyrical genius. He can, you're hitting it and quitting it. Let him know. And if you want to be more subtle than that, just say you have a hard time sleeping with someone in your bed.

Because that's like a real thing. I don't think you need to cut things off unless he... Until he legitimately professes his love to you, let him act a little clingy. Let him buy you breakfast. Let him make you breakfast. You know, swat his hand away like a fly. It's all manageable things. And everyone is innocent until proven guilty. So until he says, I want you to be my wife, I think you're in the clear. Okay, next. Next.

Hey girl, love the pod. Realized I should probably share this story with you. I had my first boyfriend when I was 15 and it wasn't your typical 15 year old's love story, lol. He only liked butt stuff. That's right, strictly anal for a whole year at 15 years old. But that's not the best part. One

Thank you.

Thank you. After lubing it up, I start inserting it into his ass. I realize he really liked it, so I add a little twist with the wrist to really let him get the whole experience. Well, it was lid side first. And as you can guess, the fucking lid came off.

off in his ass. His ass closed around the cap and the fucking applicator part was just sticking out. He started freaking out and I could not stop laughing. Eventually, I just grabbed the mascara covered applicator and pulled that sucker right out. Moral of the story is if you use a mascara tube to put up anyone's ass, never go cap side first. Love you, slew.

I don't know what the fuck it is, but when you are younger, you just like to mess around with inanimate objects sexually. I don't know why. I remember doing this same exact thing. I need to have my mom back on because she needs to tell the story. But I remember one time she told me that her friend used a cucumber, which is a very common one.

And their roommate made a cucumber salad with it after. So you're not alone. I think a lot of people do this. Thankfully, with a cucumber, there's not that much risk there, if you know what I'm saying.

This using the mascara, it's risky. I got to be honest. It's risky. Your asshole is similar to a whirlpool. It just it sucks everything in. It's like a black hole in space. Oh, my God. I'm getting anxiety, like just thinking about these things. Wow. Another fucking phobia to add to the list. Those things are terrifying. I am glad this didn't turn into a hospital visit because people are so careless when it comes to the butthole.

And I'm telling you, it sucks everything in. Oh my God, girl. Thank God that nothing major happened. And love that mascara, by the way. Easy breezy, beautiful cover girl. Lengthen and volumize his dingleberries. Guys, I'm here till five. Just let me know. Okay, next question.

I finally made a fake Insta account to follow private accounts that I don't want to follow on my main. But some of the people I request won't accept it if my fake account has zero followers or doesn't look like a real person. How do I make my fake Insta look real without buying followers or following people I don't actually want to follow? All right. Well, first and foremost, don't

You have to follow people if you want it to look like a real account, because that is just the biggest red flag. If you are following no one and you want to follow this one person, just you can mute anyone, anyone's feed or story. So that is not an issue. As far as making the fake profile look real, this is the thing. I'm going to get shit for this, but here we go.

If you are trying to stalk someone who is careful about who they want following them, and I know it's fucked up, you should find a complete randos profile. And it doesn't even need to be on Instagram. It can be on Facebook. Go to your uncle's Facebook page, go to his friend's profile, and then their friend's profile, and just keep going down the line until you find someone who you would have no association with or

Or actually, this is even better. Type into the search bar on Facebook a random ass fucking name and things will show up. OK, I mean, people from all over the world are using these apps. Preferably find someone in another country, take their pictures.

And there you go there. That is how you create a real profile and then give it some personality. And I don't think this should be bad advice because you're not trying to impersonate them in the sense that you're going to interact with people as them. You just need it to lurk. It's harmless. And I'm sure you already know this. Have your profile on private.com.

And really just like get into character, okay? It is no longer a fake account. It is your account, Sandra Martinelli. Just really make it your own. That's the most contradictory thing I've ever heard. Make it your own. Put it in the bio that you went to the same high school as the person like you're trying to follow.

You know what to do. And if you don't want to fucking use other people's pictures because you're not a psychopath, then make it a fucking dog account or something and use some pictures of someone's dog. OK, I don't think the dog will be upset if they find out you're using their pictures or do like a landscaping account, something. But you got it, girlfriend. And then get some followers. I mean, if you want a quick way to create a profile

profile that could look legitimate and get followers, find a girl that likes to post half naked pictures. And there you go. Boom. All right, you guys, that is everything for today. I am really excited. I got to talk to Nikki. I'm really excited. I got to talk to you guys one on one. And I will talk to you next week. Make sure to like, subscribe and rate the show. It helps me so much. Toodaloo.