24: Celeb Exposé 52:57

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Welcome to Sophia with an F. Let's just take a walk over to the beggar's corner where you will find me jingling my cup of fucking change, asking you to show me a little bit of love, some real freeloading shit. Please subscribe to the show and or rate it five stars, preferably and.

If you've already done it, grab your fucking boyfriend's phone. He deserves to know how fucking cool you are by listening to me. There's someone in the room with me and they're making a face who will be announced shortly. It really, it helps me. It makes me look good. But more importantly, it makes the podcast look good so I can continue doing my thang, whatever the fuck that may be. I

am flying solo this week. Solo dolo. So everyone listening, it's just me and you.

But I'm not completely alone because my producer slash cousin slash protege is here as always. Hi, Alex. Hi, Sophia. How are you feeling? I'm feeling great. Okay. Do you know what protege means? No. I mean, I've heard the word before once or twice in my lifetime. I have no idea. It's when someone more experienced or inspirational guides you. So that's me too. No. No? No.

Alex, you can go ahead and put your fucking spray bottle slash weapon down. Guys, I literally Googled spray bottle for cats. Guys, Alex.

Alex is holding, we'll like upload a picture. She is holding a literal spray bottle to spray me anytime I say shit I shouldn't say. Yes. Like, so if you hear any spritzing, just disregard it. Just know that Sophia said something she absolutely was not supposed to say. But I think it's going to help me. She's going to be soaking wet after. She's going to look like she just got off Splash Mountain after this episode.

Splash Mountain. Okay, let's do a mental health check really quick. I am feeling fucking amazing. I am in a tweaker mood. I am tweaking and no, it's not because I like booty bumped Adderall. Life is just fucking great right now.

C'est la vie. I worked out. I showered. I've slept. I'm looking for apartments in New York. I got fucked. I'm just, I'm sky high. Does that even make sense? I'm sky high? Yes. I'm a nine out of ten. I'm just surprised she showered, honestly. Mm-hmm.

I mean, with the spray bottle, I'm going to get showers every single day. That'd be good. Alex, what are you at? Okay, I say this every episode, but I genuinely mean it. I am a 10 out of 10 because fake it till you become it, baby. The mantra. I hate people like you that are like, I am always-

10 when I am retired and I'm rich and I have three fucking nannies. So I have minimal interaction with my children and I go to Pilates like three times a day because I'm a single mom. Because by that point, my husband found a younger, hotter girl, which like I'm fully prepared for that. Like, I just know it's like part of the process. Yeah, that's probably really fucked up. But I mean that wholeheartedly.

And then I just collect alimony. And that's when I'll be a fucking 10. I love doing these little check-ins. I think they're important. You guys let me know. I always love getting your guys' feedback. So let me know. Except sometimes I don't fucking love it because...

The other day, I don't know if I told you this, Alex, someone complained that this podcast has no structure. Excuse me. I, excuse me. I was like, we do a mental health check, we bullshit for a fucking hour, and then we answer listener questions. Where is the structure missing? Beginning, middle, end.

end like where is it missing intro body conclusion thank you maybe this girl's like lacking structure in her own life she's projecting she is that's and that's on you baby girl so we have her on as a guest absolutely right now line let's see how you structure it let's see let's see um so what are we talking about this episode this is where the fucking bullshit part comes in

have a lot of things on the agenda today. I do just want to quickly tell you about this conversation I had with my little brother last night. I am a sick individual. I don't know if it's because from talking about sex all the time or just because I was born that way. So my brother, he's in high school and he was talking to me the other day and he was like, dude, do you know what I did last night? Like, you won't believe it.

It was four girls, three dudes, and I cut him off. And I say, oh, my God, you had a fucking orgy. That's like, I cut him off to say that. And he came back and he was like, what the fuck? I just had a party. But the fact that my mind went to orgy. Like, I'm disgusting. I'm the worst example. But not really. No. I mean...

Well, I'm not going to ask you because you're biased. Protégé. Yes, protégé. Let's really get into the episode. I want to talk about some shit that has been irritating the fuck out of me. And it's shit that men do. And honestly, this is for no real reason. I'm not even having any guy issues. I just hate the fact that men are breathing pretty much. You're talking about the ick.

The ick. The ick. Okay. The fucking ick. Well, let me just start with my first ick. Sticky icky. Ying Yang Twins. Little throwback. This is going to sound really random, but banned t-shirts. Okay. And just hear me out. It's not when a dude wears them.

It's when I wear them. And apparently wearing a band T-shirt is like the equivalent of fucking murdering someone or like wearing a swastika on a crew neck. Oh, like that. Like that is the reaction I get when I wear a band T-shirt. OK, because when I tell you, I almost threw one of my old ones on. I had PTSD and I was scared of backlash.

Lynyrd Skynyrd. I have this super cute, cropped, distressed Lynyrd Skynyrd band t-shirt. Great band. Great band. Have not heard one song. Oh, okay. Couldn't name one song. I know where this is going. I do. I do have the t-shirt.

And there is always that fucking guy that comes up to me asking me, oh, like, I love your T-shirt, Lynyrd Skynyrd. Name one song or or like name your favorite album. But it's not in like a oh, my God, like I love Lynyrd Skynyrd, too. Like, let's bond over their fucking killer lyrics and sick instrumentals.

But it's in a it's like they're telling me, you stupid poser bitch. I want to expose you. OK, like that's why they bring that's why they asked me that question. Yeah. And it's fucking rude. Let me wear whatever I want. OK, it's cute. Leave me the fuck alone. I'll tell you what my fucking favorite album is. It's the third one. OK.

Oh, yeah. Not one, not two, the third. I bump that shit in my car every day. I brush my teeth to it. I fuck to it. It's my favorite one. Song number six on the seventh album is also a banger. Okay, what's it called? Country Road, Take Me Home. Oh, my God. I just made that up. It's funny that you bring this up because we are polar opposites, and I would 100% be the guy that would walk up to you and be like,

Call me out. Name five albums. Why? Because I would be able to. And just looking at you, it's like, mmm. Like, I give off the vibe. I'm like, I know you got that shirt off the clearance section at Urban Outfitters. Yeah, you and I would not have gotten along in high school. I can just tell you that right fucking now. Do we get along now? No. So that is an ick.

I want to ask you, Alex, like, what is something that men do that just bugs the fuck out of you? Or like, what is the pettiest thing you have like broken up with a guy over? Oh, my God. Okay. It's funny you ask because recently I was in L.A. and I was hanging out with this guy and

And there's this restaurant there that is really hard to get into. Okay. And he was like, oh, don't worry, babe. Like, I don't have a reservation, but, like, I could totally get us in. Okay. He couldn't get us in. Oh, my God. And, oof. Move on. The it.

I saw secondhand embarrassment. Yes, exactly. When the guy says they have a hookup to something and then you fucking show up to the destination and they can't get through the door. Yes. Or this was like something I had no idea was going on.

Do men use Snapchat filters on their dating profiles? Yes. Can you explain that to me? Like what? Like with the hearts, with the doggy or like what? Some of them are like that, but most of them are like a heavy like blue filter or something where it like alters their face, but it doesn't have like the fucking dog face on it. Like does it make them look hotter or it's just like an aesthetic thing? Both. Both.

Can you just facetune, like, a normal picture? Like, does it need to be that heavy of a filter? Come on, we're on to you. I agree with that. Don't make it obvious, but I could not date a guy that facetunes. Could you? I couldn't date a guy that takes selfies, in general. I know. And then we shit on them for whatever the fuck they post on their dating profile. I know, that's true. Um...

But, oh my God, I feel like, oh my God, there's just like so many. What is something that is just so, so, so fucking petty that you would never talk to him again? Okay. The pettiest. Like, ick. Okay, let's dig deep. I have one. Okay, go ahead. If he...

Is clumsy and drops shit all the time. And I know that sounds really rude, but like if I'm at a dinner date and even if he doesn't do this all the time, I remember I went on a date with this guy and I was fucking obsessed and he spilled his glass of water twice.

I never spoke to him again. Okay, me picturing that, you know what would be worse than spilling? What? Is him trying to clean it up. Like, me trying to picture him, like, picking up ice cubes and trying to, like, dry it with, like, his napkin on his lap. Like, I can't. Like, frantically, and you can tell he's so embarrassed. No! Um.

Okay, you tell me some. Okay, okay, wait. Now that we're on this topic, I saw some really fucking funny ones on TikTok. Okay. Are you ready? Yes. Okay. Imagine him running after a coin that he dropped on the ground. Wait, I don't know why that's the funniest shit I've ever heard. Dude, I like, imagine him picking it up. No! Oh my god, and then he can't pick it up because it's hard to grab. Yes! No! Okay, wait, wait, this one's good.

Okay, imagine him jumping off the high dive at a public pool with this shit. Dude, there's so many. But also, yes, that would be fucking disgusting. You're like the highest platform. Do you remember those, the platforms? Yes. Oh my God. No. No. Ick. I agree with that one. Ick. If he wears water shoes. No way.

may or may not be dating a guy that wears them no yes please yes does he leave them on during sex I call him out on it all the time why do you need those the sand is like rough on your feet like why like really why does he wear them to the pool is the big kicker no comment oh he does okay yeah that's another fucking ick wow um

literally everything a man does after sex i find repulsive and it's yes i don't know why he like lays back onto the bed next to you and he's like oh babe like that was so fucking good like i needed that flashbacks okay wait have you ever had like a high five after no have you

Yes. Dude. You guys finished fucking and he was like up top? Yeah. Shut up. Dude, yeah. I just don't want to remember or think about what just happened. Yeah. And maybe that's my own shit, but like I definitely do not want to have an in-depth discussion like when they're like,

Oh my God. Like, did you come? Oh my God. Or when they're like, you came so hard. Was that good for you? Yes. It's like, no, Brandon, it wasn't fucking good for me. No. We dry humped for like two minutes. Call me my fucking Uber. God. Yes. And. Ick.

And I just, I don't, whatever we just did, I don't recall. I don't remember it. I don't recall. No. That's it. Don't recall. This will be the last thing I say about things I hate about men. I love men. I love penis. But this one isn't an ick.

it's not petty. It needs to stop. Men who get mad at you if you don't fuck them. Yes.

These men need to be fucking euthanized. Yes. It's the most insane concept to me. Has that happened to you? No, but it happens to everyone around me. Okay, because you just always fuck them. Stupid. No, I'm kidding. But I've had it happen where...

There's, like, a party and everyone's, like, starting to go home and I'm not ready to go home yet because I'm a degenerate, you know? Uh-huh. And so I'll just end up staying at the guy's house and he'll be like, yeah, you should just stay. Like, we'll hang out. Uh-huh. And then I stay and we're hanging out and then he tries to make a move on me and I'm like, whoa, like...

I don't think we're going to be doing that. Yeah. And he and the thing is, they freak the fuck out. Yes. Like it's never just, oh, OK, I understand. Like maybe it's time for you to go home. It's always like, what? What the fuck? Like you've been like teasing me and blah, blah, blah. What are you still doing here then? Exactly. And then usually they're like, get the fuck out of my house. It's repulsive.

It's disgusting. And that is so common. So, I mean, it's happened to me so many fucking times and...

It's not my fault that I was flirting and maybe giving you the idea we would fuck so I could get invited to the party and get free drinks. Exactly. Or like when you're at a bar and you're flirting just because you want free drinks. That does not mean I have to fuck you. No, like that's a nice thing to do. Like just because you're being nice to me doesn't mean that I owe you fucking anything. Yes. Thank you. Exactly.

It's... I just... It's like, why do you need to fuck me so bad? That's what I'm going to ask them. Next time, I'm going to be like, why do you need to fuck me so bad? Yeah, like, why can't we just be friends? Try an escorting service, okay? Yes. Go on the back pages and bring someone over here because I'm not fucking you. Bye. Even if I go up to you and I'm like, I want to fuck tonight, I don't have to fuck you. No. I can change my mind. Yes. Also, like...

For example, if you've hooked up with them in the past, that doesn't mean your consent is the same for next time. No. No, it absolutely doesn't. Even if I...

if I was an escort and we signed a contract and we did a transaction and they handed me the money. Just kidding. You always have to fuck before you get the money. I'm pretty sure. Oh, but what I'm trying to say is you never have to fuck them. And these men, I just want you to know if you're listening, you look like the most pathetic loser, disgusting fucking scum of the earth. Gum on the bottom of my shoe. Dirt. Weasel. Fly.

I, all of the above. That's what you look like. You're embarrassing. Your mother is ashamed of you. Your sister is going to grow up to be a whore in the best way. Of course. Because we love whores and we are. A sleut. Yes, but we don't owe you sex.

Ever. Ever. Ever. No one owes anyone sex ever. No. I mean, back to the contract escort thing, but. But even then. You can change your mind. You can change your mind. Consent is consent. Even in the middle of fucking. You could be like, I need you to release hold and remove the penis and I need to go home. Yes. Because I just decided I'm done. Mm hmm.

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And that brings me to a little fucking story time. I've never told this story before, but I was talking about this and that is what brought this up.

You are in for a treat. Alex, I don't even know if I've told you this one before. Wait, I'm excited. Okay. So I was up at Sundance a few years ago. Literally all of Hollywood packs into one little tiny remote town in Utah. And it's crazy. It's weird. Maybe just for us, though, because we live here and we're like, oh, my God. I don't know.

I mean, there's like so many celebrities. Yes. Yeah. Like walking down the street. Exactly. And I was up there with my friend Ali. And hi, Ali. She's been on this pod before. We met this super, super rich director who is an uglier version of Jeff Bezos. Yeah.

Why do I have to say Jeff Bezos is ugly every fucking episode? Maybe because he robs people. That's why. He deserves it. He's Jeff Bezos, but uglier, plus 100 pounds. Okay. He's just a grotesque character. Love him, though. Stunning. He's very Harvey Viginstein. I think he's actually in prison now for money laundering and some...

I think I read like he was involved in like the Kuwait Military Defense Fund or something. Do I know what that means? I don't know. He's just he that he's that type of guy.

So he invites us back to his place. And of course we go. Obviously. Even though he fucking looks like he reeks of Gruyere cheese and is repulsive. But rich. And that's what matters. And there are all these beautiful women with him that he flew in on his private jet. Plus a couple of actors, which we're going to get into in a minute because I fondled one of their penises. Anyways, Allie.

and I end up spending the entire weekend with these people. He's taking us to like all the premieres, best table at the clubs. We look like a fucking gaggle of hookers with all these stunning Russian models walking in everywhere. Fabulous. Okay. So we are chilling at the mansion. We become best friends with everyone. Happy feelings all around. Um,

There were signs that these people were probably not good people. Uh-huh. Well, yeah. Yeah. All of it. Being rich and being a terrible person goes hand in hand. Just ask Jeff Bezos. Thank you, Jeff Bezos!

Bezos. I'm dying for someone to DM me saying they hooked up with him. If anyone has hooked up with Jeff Bezos, please, I will pay you $1,000. Wow. I promise. I really, really will. So there was this one day, and it was kind of one of the craziest things I'd ever seen. The director guy, all of us girls are like hanging out in the hot tub. And the director guy comes outside and

And Alex, I'm not kidding. He says, I just took my Viagra and I need to get my dick sucked.

I thought he was joking. My God. Are you? No, I thought he was joking because like I'd never seen something like that. I was very sheltered at this point. Oh my God. His assistant gets out of the hot tub, dripping wet, grabs a towel, like looking down and follows him back into the house. No. It was like disgusting. Okay. He's gross. Gross.

But I was willing to look past it because he invites Ali and I back to LA on his private jet. Okay. Okay. I wanted to get on the jet. Okay. It sounded cool to me. I was young and I didn't have a job and I was in my party phase. I don't need to justify myself. It just sounded cool. So we made plans to go on the jet back with them.

Later that night, and this is where the real story comes in. I promise you guys, it's all going to tie together. The structure is here. So I start flirting hardcore with one of the actors.

Okay. Hmm.

He's not a Leonardo DiCaprio. Okay. Okay. Do you know what the CW network is? Nope. But you're painting a really good picture. That just proves your point even more that I don't even know what the fuck it is. Exactly. It's where they have like all the fucking vampire shows and like super power superhero shit. Okay. Back to our steamy hookup. Oh, and I have a boyfriend this entire time, by the way. Oh, perfect. It's right on brand.

Of course you did. I'm so bad. I'm reformed. So I have a boyfriend, but me and this actor are in his bed making out heavily. I think he fingered me. I don't know. Oh. The way I just said it, I don't know. I don't recall. I don't recall. I'm just going to start saying I don't recall from now on. It's going to be a thing. Okay. Okay.

We are making out, maybe fingered, maybe I touched his dick, I don't know. He tries to fuck me. Okay? Which makes sense, as he should. I was giving him the signs. However, I didn't want to have sex. So...

I tell him, no, I really don't want to. And he's like, that's totally fine. Keeps making out with me. Tries again. And I say, no, like for real, like I'm not going to fuck you. He's like, oh my God, I totally understand. Not an issue. We start making out. He tries again. Oh my God. Third time's a charm. Yeah.

I'm like, OK, fine. No. So and that's like the annoying thing is he was trying to like manipulate me and be like, it's fine. Like, we don't need to do shit. And then he like tries 78 times in a row. Finally, I get out of the bed and I say, I'm sorry, like, I'm not going to fuck you. He's pissed, but he doesn't say anything.

Okay. Okay.

And I am going on and on and on about how excited I am to get on this jet, which is probably so embarrassing looking back. These models are like, okay, girlfriend, please. I am just going off. I'm like, I love you guys. We're gonna have so much fun in LA. Like, Allie and I are staying in this room. And everyone was acting so awkward and not really, like, responding to me.

And I think it was towards the end of the dinner. I said, Allie, should we go get our bags from the car so we can like start packing and shit or like pack it into the car? And Allie like pinched me under the table or something. And she goes, dude, you are not going on the jet. You were disinvited. And they don't want to tell you. But they like told me like you need to stop talking about it. Shut up. And you said that in front of everyone. Yes.

For an hour. I was going for an hour and everyone knew I was disinvited. Oh, no. Do you? Okay. Embarrassing. B.

Fucked up that I get disinvited because I didn't let this fucking B-list fucking disgusting guy fuck me. Euthanize. Euthanize. So that's the story. And that is just the type of shit that is like, it's just, it's so disgusting. It needs to change now.

Did that stop me from going to the director's Beverly Hills Mansion party a month later? No, I'm assuming. I flew in just for the party. I'm such a groupie. Some real fucking groupie activity. Speaking of groupie behavior, celeb hookups.

Ooh, I am so fucking excited for this. On the podcast page, if you guys are not following, you absolutely should. Sophia F Podcast. That's Sophia with an F, by the way. We do something called Slue Olympics. And the theme this week was celeb hookups and the shit that they wrote in, Alex.

is we could fucking ruin lives like these famous men the stories that were submitted they're done for oh my god they're done and i can't wait to expose all of them let's go

But first, I want to talk about how easy is it to get backstage? It is so easy. How many times have you been to like a rapper's hotel room? Oh, like at least three or four. It's the easiest shit. It really is. It is. Really?

really all you have to do is linger and lurk. Yes. I feel like a creep saying this. That's what you have to do. Exactly. From personal experience, my Kid Cudi experience. If you guys haven't heard that, I will tell you one day I was invited backstage. Why? Because after the concert was over, everyone had gone home. I

I was in front of the stage, actually was not even trying to see Kid Cudi. I was trying to find my clip and extensions that had fallen out of my head and my cell phone on the ground because that is just the type of fucking girl I am. And they, a guy came out on the stage and he said, hey, Kid Cudi wants you backstage. Let's go. Yeah. Because I was lingering. That's exactly how it works. Exactly. You just like.

Okay, you make intense eye contact. Like, while they're performing. While they're performing and after. Like, if you literally linger in front of the stage, they will come out and literally point at girls one by one. And just, like, not even say anything. Point. And then, like...

Do the come hither motion. Exactly. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's literally how it happens. Yes. I guess it's like just if you let them know you're desperate, like they're fucking down. And there's different types of lingering. If you live in a small town, anytime a big artist comes into town, go sit at the bar of whatever the nicest hotel is. Chances are they're going to show up there. Really? Lurk and linger.

Yes. That's all you have to do. Yes. And honestly, there's different levels to this shit. Like, okay, so after the manager points at you in the crowd and is like, okay, come backstage. Okay.

You made it backstage. Don't fuck it up. Don't fuck it up. Next. Ryan reminds me of Monopoly. Collect $200. You're on to the next. Okay. You made it backstage. Don't fuck it up. Okay, great. Now you're invited to the tour bus. Yes. We're partying. We're drinking. We're listening to the rapper's own music in his own tour bus. Play it cool. Mm-hmm. Next.

He invites you to the hotel room. And that's the third level. And I've been in situations where there's like five girls and the rapper. And at this point, it's like a fucking Hunger Games situation. You fight to the death and he picks one of the girls to fuck. All the girls are like getting naked and like, ah, body shot. They try to act cool. Try to impress him the most. Who do you think is like the sluttiest celeb?

Because we both have friends that have stories and like we have stories. Who do you think is the sluttiest? Easily. No contest. G-Eazy. Oh, me.

My God. G-Eazy. Yes. Dude, G-Eazy. You told me. How many of your friends have fucked him? Like, at least two. That is crazy. At least. Of my friends. Of your friends. I know people that have fucked him. He is the fucking biggest whore. Yes. Would you fuck him though? Absolutely. Me too. Next time he comes into town, we're about to make some eye contact and lurk. Yes, baby. Did you have to let him know?

Do you have to? We're going to. I mean, I would like go full out for that situation. Alex, we should like go to chill by the tour bus. Like we should really try. Actually, what are we talking about? Do you know how easy it would be to fuck him? Oh, yeah. We don't even need to do that. Everyone and their dog already has. We could pull the cousin card. We could be like, have you ever fucked two cousins? There we go. There we go.

Yeah, there's like three levels to it. However, going to these hotel rooms and after parties and shit, it is so overrated. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. It's like some real groupie shit, like you were saying. Yeah. And the reason it's fucking overrated is because...

They take your fucking phone. Yes. They take your phone. Oh, they do. That's a good point to bring up. And lock it up. And so you have to sit there like fucking twiddling your thumbs with your thumb up your ass. Bored as fuck. With 10 other girls and it's literally a competition. Right. And there's one dude and you're all trying to... It's like The Bachelor. Literally. Literally.

Oh, my God. You're all trying to get a word with him. The Bachelor, Lil Pump edition. Yes. But the parties are overrated. This one time, actually, this basketball player, I was invited to an after party. He made us take our fucking shoes off. And it wasn't to be comfortable. It

It wasn't because he was like, you know, new hardwood floors. Don't want him getting scratched up. It was because he thought maybe we had hid a phone in the shoe.

or had a recording device in the shoe. Really? That is next level shit. No fucking way. I wonder, like, the hardcore groupies, like, do carry a second phone. Me writing this down so next time I go to a rap concert I can do this. Yes, let's get burner phones to keep in the shoe. Please. And, like, the fucking NDA was, like, 12 pages long. Don't

flatter yourself sir yeah you know what else i've done is i've just gone fuck going for the celebrity i go for his crew yes like if you dm his entourage or his manager or whatever fucking friend he like drags along to all of his shit if you dm them you have a good chance of getting hooked up

Okay, wait. You know what my personal favorite? Mm-hmm. Is DMing the actual artist. Shut up. What do you mean? No, I'm dead serious. I have one of the craziest stories. Okay. What? So I was in Vegas for, like, my friend's 21st, and my friend was, like, fucking around and was like,

Let's DM this DJ and see if he can get us in. And when I say DJ, it's like everyone knows this fucking DJ. Like, he has 10 million followers. Like, we all know. Okay. What song? You're really not going to tell us which DJ. Calvin Harris. No!

Wait, is it really? Yes. That's fucking amazing. Okay. So we DM him. We're like, hi, like, we want to come to your show tonight. Okay. He responds. Shut the fuck up. Yes. And he's-

How fast? Like, in the same day. Like, we didn't have to wait. Like, we DMed him. I was like, hey, can we come? And when it was time to start going out, he was like, yeah. Wait, I don't want to come off pretentious because I'm not. Does your friend have a blue checkmark? Is she, like, a celeb? No, no, no. Not at all. Just a regular old Joe, like me. I was going to say, like, you and I, but, like, you have the checkmark. Although it means nothing. It doesn't. It really doesn't. But anyways, he responds, and he's like...

Okay, perfect. Like, yeah, we'll get you in. Just meet this guy outside at this time. So we go and literally like, I don't know, one of the bodyguards or security or something comes, grabs us by the hand, walks us all the way up. And we're literally standing right next to the DJ, like standing as in like I could lean over and touch him. And there's probably like...

10,000 people, like, in this venue. And it was insane. We were right next to him. Just by sending the DM directly to him? Uh-huh. What the fuck? Yeah, so try it out. Wow. That is some wild-ass shit. I want to read some of the things people wrote in. Oh, wow.

Someone said, pretend you're a photographer. Oh my God. Like show up to the venue with a big ass fucking camera onto a lanyard. Like you're ready to take pictures of like a fucking badge and be like, I'm here to take pictures. Oh my God. Yeah. And they're like, when they finally catch you, they're like, ma'am, this isn't a badge. This is a Chuck E. Cheese coupon. Oh my God.

I think this photographer thing could work if you pretended to be a photographer. I really do.

You just walk in there confident as fuck. You're like, I'm, you know, taking pictures for Complex Magazine. Can I take a picture of this merch table, please? This is for Travis Scott, for his website. Like, just... If you really, like, own it and act it, I think it could work. Fake it till it be coming. Some girl actually wrote in, and she said that she told them she was an intern for the venue...

And it worked. And that's all she had to say. There's just so many fucking ways. I have to just say this one. Oh, my God. This girl said that she was obsessed with Lil Xan. And I know that tugs at your heartstrings. What do you say about his... I want to chew on his teeth so bad. Hear me out, you guys. Oh, my God.

I will never understand it, but like I do kind of understand it. She wanted to fuck Lil Xan. This girl wore lingerie underneath all of her clothes to the concert, which the dedication. She bought a meet and greet pass. And when she was there, she handed him a condom. Shut up.

I mean, boss fucking move. Boss move. Did it work? I don't remember exactly, but I'm pretty sure she said yes. Okay. So... Well, okay. I'm not going to lie. This was me at every One Direction concert I went to. Me, like, fucking... I don't even know how old I was. Like, 15, 16, 17. Like, making eye contact and trying to, like, hypnotize Harry Styles and literally wearing, like, something I thought he would like. Yeah.

people were matching underwear like I don't fucking know oh so many were you at least in the front no like

I used to do the exact same thing. I was trying to reach him through telepathy. Yes. You like make eye contact and tell me you haven't done this where you are like, oh my God, he wants it. Yes. Like he's looking, he's singing to me. This is my big break. Yes. Dude, I cannot believe at a One Direction concert. Oh yeah. And I've been to three. So just let me know. Wow. After the third time I was like, okay, maybe it's not happening. Yeah.

What are some of the other members of One Direction that aren't as big as Harry? Guys. Just say it. If you guys are hearing this, I don't mean it personally, but Louis Tomlinson or Niall Horan. Okay. Louis Tomlinson. Tomlinson. Respect on the name. Excuse me. Maybe next time the eye contact with Louis. Maybe then.

get somewhere. I wonder if you... Maybe this is because I'm old, in my ripe old age of 28, throwing shit up on stage. Not a bra, but like a little note with your phone number. I think that's a for sure way to get dragged out by your freaking hair.

just can't get over you at the one direction concert with the eye contact i imagine you like pulling out your boob and like trying to lick your nipple like pretty much but like from the blood or the nosebleeds i mean that being said i'm like constructing a dm to louis thomas as we're fucking talking real groupie shit real groupie shit oh okay let's move along

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All right, Alex, let's get into listener questions. My favorite part. Mine as well. Slash advice, slash stories. Let's fucking go. Number one, what is a kinky position you would recommend? And what is a lovemaking position you would recommend? I don't think I've ever made love before, ever in my life. Oh, no. First off...

To answer question number one, a kinky position, missionary. Number two, lovemaking position, missionary.

I mean, lovemaking, it's when you're making, I think it's just when you make eye contact, right? While you're fucking. I don't know. I've said like some fucked up filthy shit with eye contact. So I don't know. But I don't think it's the position. Honestly, I have had the dirtiest, most disgusting sex ever.

in Missionary. And I've had... Girlfriend, if you want to make love, have your head dangling off the bed, okay? And he sticks his dick in your mouth and throat fucks you. That could be considered lovemaking for some people. I mean, I don't know if there's an R&B song written about... Throat fucking. Yeah, but you're on the right track. Skull fucking. Skull fucking.

I'm just saying it's not the position. It's the person and what is being said. And perspective. What's being said. Yeah. And perspective. Like everything in life. So what's kinky to me may not be kinky to you. Exactly. So, I mean, positions don't fucking matter. Okay. That's it. Next question. Hello, Queen of Salutes.

So listen, bitch. Basically, I've been with my man for almost two months. We are official, but he won't give me his address and phone number.

He says he doesn't like people knowing where he lives and his number. It's for work only. But I saw that little dick weasel call his barber from his phone. Sketchy much? Also, I think he might have recorded me giving him roadhead without me knowing. So, like, what should I do? Love your loyal, slooty, and proud listener. Whoa. A lot to unpack here.

She said they're official, but she doesn't have his phone number or address. They communicate through pigeons. Male pigeons. Carrier pigeons. There you go. I need to say something, and I don't want to break this girl's heart. Or maybe she doesn't care. This man has a wife and kids.

A family and six kids waiting for him at home. Like, why don't you just grab the fucker's phone and go through it? I would say two months is probably enough time to go through your boyfriend's phone. Right, Sophia? Two weeks. Two weeks. You're ready. The second the official label comes out. Exactly. It's like a to-go pass for the phone.

Collect $200. I completely agree. Unless this dude is like in the mafia or a Russian spy, like there is no reason you can't know his phone number and where he lives. So, yeah. To each their own, though. If she's fine with it, then whatever. Next question. What is your opinion on dating friends' siblings?

The age gap between me and my brother is 11 years. So he's 17. If one of my friends dated my 17-year-old brother, I would probably not be chill. I'd be like, what in the actual fuck? What are you guys talking about? It's like Kourtney Kardashian and Addison Rae. Yes. Knock it off.

Okay. I do have something to say about this. Because you and your sisters are, like, close in age. Yeah, we're close in age. And also, my sisters are hot as fuck. Yeah. And honestly, a lot of my guy friends try to tell me that they're going to date my little sister at some point. So it doesn't piss you off. No. Absolutely not.

No, but you know who it does piss off? Who? My sister. Okay, why? Quick story time. There was this one time her friend messaged me on Tinder and asked me to go on a date and I was super excited and I told her about it.

And she got so upset, she moved out of our house. Dude, shut the fuck up. No, she literally packed up her things and went. I think I would freak out. Why? Because it's like incestual. How? I'm not fucking her. I'm fucking him. All right. Next, Alex, why don't you take it away? Okay, let's do it.

No. Okay.

I let him because I couldn't resist him or his accent. He very gently placed a Cadbury mini egg into my vagina, not all the way up where I would get lost, but just the entrance part. Thank you for the clarification. And was completely fascinated that my vagina could hold a little egg. He eventually did this more than once, like multiple days, and even took a video of it. Oh my fucking God. I think he has some sort of fetish. I'm not quite sure. Okay, he...

I'm going to go ahead and say that he has some type of fetish. What the fuck is the fetish? Putting little mini things up your pussy?

I don't know. Okay, so now what I'm thinking, was it like a flavor pairing thing? Did he want to eat the chocolate with a little bit of pussy juice on it? Like white wine paired with a white fish. Exactly. Or like in the Ratatouille scene where his brother eats the cheese with the strawberry. Please tell me someone knows what I'm talking about.

I've seen Ratatouille. I do not remember that. But that's a great point. Maybe it was just like for a flavor profile. Could have been. I want to support this, but I don't think you should put chocolate. No. No. Doesn't sound like it'd be great for a pH balance. No. In my opinion. No. I mean, maybe if it was like, you know, fair trade, 100% dark chocolate. Organic. Yeah. Yeah.

Cadbury milk chocolate. Yeah. I don't want to know what that's made of. If he is going to be putting like gas station Reese's Pieces Kit Kat grade chocolate in your pussy...

Have it be wrapped. I don't know if that would still be hot. He can unwrap it with his mouth. I actually would love to try this. Okay. But I'm vegan. This chocolate is obviously not. No. Does that mean my vagina is vegan too? Alex? Absolutely.

Your vagina needs to be as vegan as you are. Okay, okay. You don't even let me eat meat. That's true. I'm not gonna let my vagina eat meat. Drink milk? Unless it's a sausage, if you know what I'm saying. Guys, that was our cue to get the fuck out. Thank you so much, you guys.