19: Free Raya Pass ft. John 53:19

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We're live. Coming to you live. From CNN. Saturday Night Live. Here we go. These are the skits. The first skit is my life.

Hi, everybody. I am joined by one of my nearest and dearest childhood friends, John Joseph. Hi, John. Hey. He has been one of my best friends since high school. He was also one of the first guests on this podcast. You were on, like, episode three. Yeah, I was. You wouldn't know because there's no feature next to it. Stop! Stop!

The only guest without a feature next to it. Shut up. Not kidding. Liar. You wouldn't know. Oh my fucking God. Guys, he is a fucking icon and I'm going to change that immediately. You're going to get an FT period next to that episode. We'll see if you get one for this one though. We don't know. Yahtzee.

John, before we dive into this episode, I always start with a mental health check. I love that too. Because John, I don't know if you know this, but mental health is really important. No, it really is. Okay. Trust me, I know. Yesterday, I was at a fucking two.

You saw me yesterday. I did see you yesterday. Do I look 10 times better today? Yeah, night and day. So anything compared to yesterday is like night and day difference. I'm at like an eight right now. Oh, yes. Good. Don't I seem a lot happier? So much happier. I'm trying to tell people why I was at a two.

I swear to God, I suffer from seasonal depression. It is a thing. Do you get it? Yeah, absolutely. You do. Yeah. The weather totally affects my vibes. Right. Like, it's fun when it first starts to snow and then the holidays. Right. And then around February, March, it's like, I'm over it. Like, I'm ready for those birds.

Okay, so if you guys can't tell, John is at a 10 out of 10 when it comes to mental health right now. I'm at an all-time high. I'm on cloud 29. Yes. John, when I saw him yesterday, you were the happiest I've ever seen you. Today's different? No, you still are. Okay, yeah. I'm still 10. But you are living on a way higher frequency. Yeah.

Ever since you moved to New York, which we're going to talk about in a second. But John, we need to explain to everybody why you're the happiest you've ever been. Okay. Yeah. I'm happy to go there. Guys, John...

Let's just tell them right away. John walked into my house. He's home visiting in Utah. He fucking skips in. Happy-go-lucky, like, all of this energy. I've not seen you like this for a really long time. And according to John, it's because a couple weeks ago, he almost died. And it's time to just dive in to the story. Okay, here we go. Okay, so when I say I've...

had like a spiritual experience or like an ever-changing, life-changing... You were on shrooms or acid or... Like this was... I've never experienced this in my entire life ever. Okay. So... And I don't know if anybody else has. I would love to know. I've tried Googling it. So let me know at the end. But... Okay. So what happened is I went on a date. It was on a first date and I met the guy from Raya and he's a vegan and he doesn't drink.

And I'm a vegetarian. And I was like, okay, where do we go? So I went on TikTok. I found this girl that I follow that she like posts places, like trendy places in New York with like cool outdoor seating. Oh, nice. Yeah. So I like just messaged her and I was like, are there any places that you think we would be good? Wait, I totally forgot you had to eat it outside. Yeah. So we had to eat it outside. So I found out from it. It's called ABCV. Mm-hmm.

And I actually like texted you and I was like, have you been there? And then you were like, yeah, I've been there. So heard good things. Went there with the guy. Had a great meal. I would say probably like 30 minutes after we were done with everything. We were still sitting there. I felt something. I was like, what? I thought I just had to go to the restroom.

it was it real the onset was that fast yeah okay it was fast and the guy I was like do you want to come home with me don't ask me why I'm like too polite um and he was like yeah because I was really just like I need to get home yeah so we got there we got back um he was probably there for like 20 minutes and then I was like all right like I'm gonna go to bed he's like it's like 10 p.m I'm like I'm exhausted I will get your uber I got him you're like I have never been more

tired yeah i was like i'm i have what's that like disease or like we just fall asleep i'm just like i'm gonna go now you're like i'm gonna sleep while i'm talking to you standing up please get the fuck out good night bye so get out of my apartment um no so i he left i got him his uber he went home i go to the toilet i'm literally shitting my body out of my body my body's out of my body

Because I pooped it out. I don't want to discredit your story and that's not what I'm doing. I have heard from when I worked at a restaurant that if you get food poisoning, it doesn't show up until 12 to 24 hours after the meal you had. Okay, but the thing is, this was like a cauliflower. It was a vegan place. So like it was a giant cauliflower. I know exactly what it is too. I know it. I know it by the look of it. You know that

That's what gave you the food poisoning. I knew it. It was literally the last dish. They brought out four dishes. That was the last one. Right when I looked at it, I said, hmm, this looks a little interesting. I lost 15 pounds. Oh, my God. That is so bad, dude. I lost 15 pounds. I had a fever running at like 102. I had just moved to New York. I don't have a doctor. I don't know where I am. I don't even know where the nearest fucking library is. Right. I don't know why I would ever be going there, but so sick. Five days.

Horrible. Had to call out of work, let my phone die. And you were just shitting and throwing up all day long. All day long. And I couldn't drink like anything. So I was dehydrated. Like I literally was like dozing off. Like I honestly think like I may have... I didn't die, but like I thought I may be getting close. So that happened. I start getting better and I'm probably at like 75% better now. So it took about five days and...

I just came to this realization, and it's the weirdest thing ever, but I just came to the realization that I want to live the highest quality of life. And what I put into my body matters, and it can affect everything that I do. Right. And I think that my journey with alcohol has been very disruptive in just everything that I do, and it's just something that I've been using as a crutch. Yeah. And something in that experience...

Like a switch went off. Triggered me and I never like want to drink again. And it's like I have been counting the days because I was drinking every single day. Right. And I don't think I necessarily like had a problem. Like I was still functioning, but I would lean on it. So I changed that. And also like I haven't been like jerking off. And I don't know if that's like normal, but I have had like no desire to.

Maybe it's because of the alcohol. I don't know. Oh, okay. Oh, I didn't even think about that correlation. So you haven't been drinking, you haven't been jacking off, and you've had no desire to at all. Right. All stem from this near-death experience. I have been working out every single day. I went and bought journals from Barnes & Noble. I've been journaling every single day. I've been reading self-help books, Emotional Intelligence 2.0. It's a great book. Ooh. Yeah, it's a good one. But it's just like...

It was life-changing. I've just like changed my life. And it's like, I know it's only been like 12 days being like sober and being like,

But I feel so much more confident. It feels like I'm woke. Like, my brain is woke. Like, without the alcohol. Clear. Exactly. Like, it used to be foggy. I used to be, like, there was kind of, like, a ringing or, like, a buzzing in my head. Like, constantly. Right. And I thought that was normal. Because I've been drinking, like, every day probably for, like, nine years. Like, since when I was 18. High school.

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Why the 10 times I told you I was renting a U-Haul and driving it to New York did you not, like, stop me and say, hey, probably don't do it that way. Do it this way and, like, ship your stuff. I swear I told you.

I told you. You did. But like, I wanted to, I just, I'm adventurous. I'm a Pisces. And you thought a U-Haul would be fun. I did. I'm a woo girl. I wanted, I wanted to go. I wanted to do it. And I don't regret it. It was, there were points, there were high points, low points. My mother drove me fucking insane. No help. She really just sat there and said, are we there yet? But, but you know.

Yeah. I remember you were like Instagram storing it and you'd be like, Kansas. Like you were just taking stories every state. And then you texted me something that was really funny. I can't remember. It was like, I am a gay man fucking trying to drive this U-Haul. And like, it's not cute. It's not what I want to be doing. No. It's fucking horrible. I go, I am a gay man. I've had seven iced coffees. Get the fuck out of my way. You say that you say it takes 10 hours together. I'll see you in seven.

It's just how it works. It's how we work. It's how we function. Don't get in our path. We will run you over. Beware of a gay. You'll see them, too. You'll know. Specifically in the U-Haul. You know. The U-Haul gays are the most dangerous kind. Exactly. We're on steroids over here. Now you live in New York. Yes. And you moved to Fidei. Yeah. So I got in my own apartment that...

I love it. It's massive. Shut up. It is. I got a really good deal. I got, it was half the price because of COVID. So I'm like stoked about that. I just hope, I mean, I obviously want COVID to end. Right. But I hope like when it does end, they're not like, all right, here you got, you got to pay, you know. Right. $9,000. Yeah, they're like. And then I'm like, I got to go. I'm going, going to Jersey. Right.

Okay, so what has it been like moving during COVID? It's been interesting. Well, I got a new job, so that's why I moved out there. So I don't know if everybody knows, but I work in finance. I work in a financial firm. Headquarters is in New York. But the thing is, is I called the spectrum person to give me cable. And...

And the lady was like, "Oh," you know, talking about the cable. And then I was like, "Yeah, I just moved here." She's like, "Oh, so you're going into office." And I was like, "No, I'm working from home." And she's like, "So why did you move here?" And I was like, "Okay, touche." But also, like, bitch, I gotta be here at some point! Like, don't come for me, Spectrum! Give me my cable and get out of my house! That is fucking hilarious!

But I love it so far. It's been definitely challenging to live alone again. I love it, but the training is definitely difficult. Yeah. Training over Zoom. Right. And then also, like, I don't know anyone. So it's... And then it's hard to meet people. Right? Yeah. You were talking to me about how difficult it is to meet people, which, by the way,

the way, just to back up two seconds, FIDEI is short for the Financial District. Yeah. Yep. So you moved there. And I remember when you first moved there, you were like, dude, I feel like I'm on the set of a movie. Dude, it was. It feels like it's Universal Studios. Like, because there's like, you know, like, there's like nothing open. It's like old. It looks like it's

Like, in, you know, the 1920s. It's an old building. So I'm like, all right, I love this place, but where's the grocery store? Like, I would love to, you know. I could totally see how it looks like a movie set. There's, like, hardly any people walking outside. Yeah, but I also, like, I got the apartment, like...

Like, without... Like, blindly. Right. Like, I needed a place. My job was like, all right, you have to be here, like, in January. Right. So I had to do it all virtually. Right. Which kind of, like, to be honest, when I moved to New York, I didn't do my homework at all. And I...

I just got a studio apartment in Midtown. Right. Which... Oh, yeah. So many stories about that. It was so... Oh, you were... I was calling John crying every single day. Well, dude, that guy. Didn't that guy, like, try to break into your...

You called me like literally like bawling. Guys, I went on a date with this guy when I first moved to New York and I like ditched him on the date. And he knew where I lived because he had like picked me up and showed up at my apartment after I had ditched and was like trying to get in. Yeah, you had to call the cops. Yes. It was like the scariest shit ever. I have to tell that story one day. And this is like when you still worked in finance. Yes. Yes.

But dude, I had like a mattress on the floor. It was a studio. Every single person in my building was like 70 years old or older. Anytime you move to a new city, it's difficult. Like when you don't know anyone. I moved to New York without knowing anybody. But like I remember I would get, and I told you this, I would get lost. No exaggeration for two to three hours every single day. Every day. But also I was like broke and I was like, I cannot continue taking Ubers.

I think I spent $12,000 like the first six months I was there on Ubers. So I forced myself to take the subway. I would get lost for hours, whatever. Well, I'm like not going anywhere. So I've been cooped up. But it's been nice to be, you know, to be alone in my own space because I lived with my dad before this between the gap of like the new job. Right. And when my lease ended in Salt Lake. Yeah. So it's been really nice to have my own space. Yeah. You love being alone.

I love being alone. My alone time is a little much, but it's a little excessive. I like it a little too much. There's some days like I would like to have human interaction. OK, Raya, if anyone doesn't know what Raya is, it's a dating app. You have to have a membership. You have to like apply.

And then you get put on a waiting list while you fucking wait to be accepted. And it's really all about like exclusivity. I actually read somewhere it has an 8% acceptance rate. Anyways, I do think that you can use Raya to meet people, especially like during COVID because you can't like fucking go into a bar and mingle. Right.

Would you recommend Raya? Yeah. No, I would. It's a little dodgy. Yeah. It really depends. Like, it's not like – here's the thing. Like, I tried so hard to get on that app. For a year. More. More.

I was on that wait list for probably like three years. I wanted to be on it so bad. I got, I had like probably five like friend passes at that point. And finally, I just emailed them. And I was like, hi, what's going on? But then you emailed Raya

And I was like, dude, emailing them isn't going to do shit. You were accepted the next day. Not the next day. It took like a week. Okay. But like. Well, what happened is I was like, hey, like what's going on with my application? Like, do you need an interview? Like, what do you need from me? Do you need more credentials? How can I, how could, help me help you. So no, like I emailed and I was just like, all right, what's going on? And they responded and they were like, well, your Instagram is on private. And I was like.

Okay, well, I don't want to take my Instagram off private at the time. And then they were like, okay, well, then send us like photos or like videos or any content and like why you should be on. Wait, shut the fuck up. I did not know that. Yeah, and I obviously think that you helped me get on Raya because I mentioned like I, you know, will be on this show. Yes. Please just accept this as my word.

Because it was like before. You could say like, I'm about to be on like fucking the morning news. I'm like, I know her. I know her. Give me the app. No, but, and then also that they're like, all right, we'll put this with your portfolio because I guess they review it. And then I got accepted finally. So yeah, I guess that's a trick if you're not getting email them. Yeah.

Email them, number one. Number two, take your Instagram off of private. Oh, yeah. It's way harder. Something about having it on public. They can't see you when they're reviewing it. Right. So they don't know what you're about. Very interesting. Are you on any other like... What do you mean? Of course I am. I'm on Grindr, Scrub. Okay.

Also, like, there's this whole thing about Raya, like, so exclusive. Like, you have to, like, be someone to, like, get on it. No, you don't. No. You really do not. No. No. Exactly. The guy you went on a date with was a musician. Yeah. He was, like, a singer-songwriter. What music? Do we know any? No. Okay. So, like, here's the thing. Okay. It's, like, after, like...

Because we had a second date. Like, after, like, the food poisoning. Okay. I was like, I'm going to give him another try. Okay. Anyway, it's not going to work out. Okay. Got it. But he was like, you know, yeah, I'm a singer. I was like, what do you do? I'm a singer-songwriter, but I only have one song. Okay. It is a cover of a song. Do you want to listen to it? And I, like, kind of nodded my head yes, and I said no.

I said, no, I'm good. I said, is it the one on your Instagram? And then he was like, yeah. And I said, I'm good. Like, I already listened to it. Dude, why do singers always sing? Always. Any chance they get, it's like... They don't even talk. They, like, bring a guitar with them on the date. Hello, my name is Jesus. The fact that he...

He said he was a musician, singer, songwriter on Raya and he had one song that was a cover. Yeah. No, you're not. It's just like, please don't sing in front of me. Like, oh my God, I was waiting. I was like, please do not do that. I will. I will. I can't. I don't have the will. Dude, I...

I am too nice of a person. I would just, I can't. I'm too honest. You would freak out. I would start laughing. I would start laughing. I need to like take a page out of your book because I am the type that I would be like, yes, and they would sing one song and I'd be like, give me another one. Hit me with all of them. Yes, because I'm too nice.

No, I can't. I can't. I'm too embarrassed. It's like I get secondhand embarrassment. You know what? Next time, I'm going to be like, fuck no. Yeah, so he wasn't like anything like, you know, crazy cool. But I think it really just depends like on your aesthetic, like what you're about. To get on to Raya. Yeah, and then like also like maybe like occupation obviously helps. But like if you're an artsy, there's a lot of artsy people on there. Yeah, and also apparently you can like just fucking lie. Guys, absolutely.

Anyone listening right now, say you're a singer, songwriter, musician, and then all you need is one cover of one song and like you're set. Right. Also, another tip I would say is if you're a girl,

They just want what they consider super attractive girls. So, like, don't worry too much about your occupation on there. Just look hot. Yeah. That would be my advice for girls. Guys, it's a little bit different. They have to, like, beef up the portfolio. I wonder how gay men. I know. I wonder if it's even harder. Maybe. Or if it's, like, well, it's a whole different. Why don't you email them and ask them? I'm good. I've had my time emailing them. They've gotten enough from me.

Are you on the league? What the fuck is that? It's like... Like a football player? No, I don't do fantasy football, thank you very much. Do you? It's a dating app for people that love sports. Oh, okay. I would love that. Serena, here we come. Serena? Williams. Oh.

I'm thinking Tom Brady. But that's my internalized misogyny. I want to kiss Tom Brady. I want him to kiss me like his 11-year-old kid. And his dad. Have you seen that? His dad? Dude, he kisses his dad like that too. Shut up. It's a family thing. What? And he's from California. I thought it was just like his kid. No. There are pics. There are pics from the Super Bowl of him doing that with his dad.

Dude, I didn't. I stopped kissing my parents on the lips when I was like in second grade. Me too. I was like, this is getting weird. Thank you very much. Me too. I thought it was a culture thing. I don't know. Just the one clip with the kid. He's from California. The one clip with his kid, it was just like, it was a little much. But I'm not going to judge it. I'm not. Maybe we just need to like stop over sexualizing stuff.

True. Like, that could just be a normal thing. But, like... But I think just maybe it's society. It tells us that it's wrong. Yeah. It feels wrong when I watch it. I wouldn't do that to my kid. I don't think so either. That's all I'm saying. We don't know. You can't knock it till you try it. Yes, exactly. I'm so glad we just talked. I almost just said Ted Bundy. I'm so...

I'm so glad we talked about Tom Brady. What about, I like want to ask about all of these fucking things. Club, are you on Clubhouse?

You've just got me on it. Oh my God. Yes. I just fucking gave you an invite. You just have no clue what it is. I don't either. Guys, you guys have heard of Clubhouse. It's not a dating app, but it's like. It seems like it's like Discord. Like, why am I on this? Kind of. But there's like big people on it. Like Elon Musk was on there. But why would I want to go on there? To listen to Elon Musk. I like true crime stuff. Yeah. I mean, okay, this isn't a podcast, John. Oh. But.

I've seen people trading their Raya, like, passes for clubhouse passes. Oh, okay. Because you know you have to be, like, invited. I mean, yeah. I will give anyone my Raya passes. Me too. I've literally had people DM me and ask me if I have any. I just send them to them. I'm not kidding. Do you know how many people are going to DM you now that they just heard this episode asking for a Raya thing? I'll give it to you. If I have them, I'll literally give them all out. Okay, so if...

So hit up John at JohnLikeTheBible, DM him, and he'll hook it up. What about... Well, I don't know how many I get also. So don't come like... Like, if I don't have any more, then like...

gonna know just i'm just gonna keep going until they like until i get into the mouth you might have to like put on your story no more raya passes indefinitely right or clubhouse yeah or like league i don't know the league what about um fucking what is it called oh my god oh my god the locks club what the hell are these okay this is a straight thing

It's a Jewish thing. Oh. If you couldn't tell by the title, Lox and Bagel, it's like a Jewish. It's a raya. Is it like Uber Eats? No. Lox and Bagel? The Lox Club is a dating app. But they're like referencing Jewish people because we're all about our lox and bagels.

Okay? Oh, I don't know what the hell that is. But it's like Raya. I'm not Jewish. Well, I know, but I'm just explaining it to you. I mean, I don't. I know you are. I don't even know if you have to be Jewish to join it. But anyways, it's like, it's a Raya for Jewish people. Okay, so you have to be Jewish. What?

They're like, you need to wear a yarmulke and a photo. What is Jewish, though? I don't know. You tell me. People are going to be so upset. I'm like, what is it? There's ethnic Jews, and then there's religious Jews. Orthodox Jews. Yes. Yeah. I would consider myself ethnically Jewish. I don't practice. I would have to take a class to even know what I am. Wait, I'm not. No. Oh, no.

Okay. You would know. I would know. I mean, your mom is German. She is like off the boat when she's like 16 years old. So I don't think so, if I had to guess. But, okay, the craziest thing about, so it's called the Lox Club. I don't even think you have to be Jewish to join. Okay, well, why am I getting on these apps anymore? There's so many. Because you just said you're living in COVID and you can't meet.

I don't want to meet anybody. Look, I don't want to meet – like, even you. You even offered. You're like, I'll, like, introduce you to some of my friends. And I'm like, honestly, no, I'm good. I'm like, I'll wait until you move back. I know. Like, I have my friends. I just want them to move back. We need to move the fuck on. Okay. I'm done talking about Locke and Smith. I'm done talking about bagels. Like, we're done. We're done.

Does sound good, though. Okay. So I know my listeners love hearing fucking stories about my debauchery I would get into when I was younger. And you are one of the main fucking characters in all of my crazy high school stories.

All of the episodes. I think I was on every episode of that every season. Yes. Every season of the debauchery when I was younger. So we need to tell them. I know we have 20 stories. We need to tell them like one of the craziest ones. I don't even know how we're going to narrow it down.

Which one? The Vegas one. Or the Sudafed one. No, let's do the Vegas one. I love the Vegas one. Dude, that trip is iconic. So I'm 18. I'm 18 years old. You're 17. I'm 17. I'm junior. You're senior. In high school. In high school.

So you're leaving on a trip to Vegas with one of our really good friends, Misha. Yes. You asked me 50 times. You were like, Sophia, come. It's going to be so fun. Blah, blah, blah. I was super depressed. I think, like, I had just gone through a breakup or some shit. Yeah, yeah. And then I...

I had like something come over me and I call you and I'm like, John, turn the fucking car around. I need you to come get me. I need to go to Vegas. Yeah, you were like, I think you were just getting, wanted to get out. So we ended up like flipping the car around. Having to drive 45 minutes back to my house. Worth it though, because we always have so much fun together. And you're such a good friend.

Oh, thanks, babe.

Where do we begin? So we got there and we, so, okay. So like we said, like I'm 16, you're 17. And Misha was 18. And we were also with her younger sister, Kiona. And she was a grade younger than me. So she was 15. Wow. Yeah. So we were all young, young little chick, little chicklets. We start drinking the second the hotel doors open, as you do in Vegas. Honestly, we're probably drinking on the way there. Oh, yeah.

And then we decide to walk around Vegas. The casinos. Because what else do you do? We don't have IDs. Right. We're babies. We're not going to a club. And we thought we were so cool. We're like, we're going to go walk the strip. Like, why? I'm like, we're going to walk the strip. What are we going to do? I was like, we're going to go walk the strip.

Like, I'm going to walk through the casino. Like, I would rather die than do that now. What did we think was going to happen? I have no clue, but a lot of things did happen. Oh, a lot. Too many, if I could add. Okay, so we are just walking through the Luxor Hotel because we're so young and we can't fucking do shit. Yeah. So there is a liquor store. Yeah.

And me and Misha. It was a convenience store. Okay. It was like a hotel store. It was like the place where you get like tourist shit. Right. Exactly. Yes. So then you, Misha and I decide to go in there. Uh-huh. I don't remember what my plans were. Right.

All I know is I am underage. I don't have a fake ID, which is shocking. Right. Because my whole life I've had, like, three or four stashed away. And I swear I just wanted to, like, go in and browse. I see liquor and I grab a bottle and I hide it underneath my sweater and I walk out. Okay, Winona. Which I...

I've talked about my shoplifting stories with like clothes and shit. It got so bad. This is a completely different thing. Are you saying my shoplifting problem? Yes. You would like go into Forever 21 and just come out with like so much jewelry that we would have to untangle it for like hours. Dude. Can you help me? I started to like take jewelry for my friends. I'd be like, oh,

My friend, like, Alyssa would love this. I wouldn't even know, too. It was the scariest thing. I would be like, John, look what I did. Can I even go into the fucking mall with this girl? Like, the most I've done is I, like, kicked a chapstick outside of a Hollister. And I thought I was so bad. Okay, but stealing liquor is, like, a whole different scary thing. It's terrifying. Because that's, like, that's two misdemeanors right there. Just me even being there, I was like, I'm going to get arrested for just knowing. Okay.

For knowing about it. She showed me the bottle. I was like, fuck. And then. And then, you guys, the craziest fucking part about it. Because you and Misha split up in the store. Yes. Misha and I split up. I walk outside with this bottle. Misha walks outside. She didn't have her ID at this moment in time. Because it was stolen. Okay. We're about to get to that part. Yeah. She comes out and she stole the exact same liquor.

The exact same bottle. It was like this bright blue soggy thing. It was like a liqueur. Yes. Out of all the bottles, you both got that. I was like, is that the only thing that was available? Nope. There was all the liquor in the world. We both stole the same one. It was pretty good. It tasted like pixie dust. I know. It was. Fuck yeah. I want to know what that was. That's how I just know that like Misha and I are soul sisters to some degree because like who does that? Right.

Right. Who picks the same bottle without even knowing what the other person's getting? Yeah, call it soul sister or call it psycho sister. You guys left in an escalade when you guys were like trying to find. Guys, this is one of those moments where like I should have died. And I think a lot of people have these when you think back to how reckless you were when you were younger and you're like, I should have died. Yeah, me too from a heart attack. Okay.

John's over here acting so innocent like he had nothing to do. I was baby and I was... I'm... Yeah. I didn't want to partake in the Escalade motor ride. Let's tell them what that was. There were two men...

And, you know, when you're in Vegas, guys are catcalling girls all day long. That's just what it is. And these two guys are sitting in an Escalade, roll down the window, ask Misha and I if we want to go in. And they're like, we have party favors and we have alcohol. Like, come on in with us. And Misha and I are like, no.

Absolutely. Why would we pass up this opportunity to jump in a random ass Escalade? Okay, you know what the fucked up part is? Is an Escalade has like six seats? Mm-hmm. Why did you leave us? Like, it's because I was a boy. Like, they wouldn't let me in. Oh my god, is that why? I was like, that was kind of fucked up. That is, and Misha and I were like...

And what also was fucked up is I was terrified. I was like, oh my God, they just got into this escalator and they're just driving off. They're going to get sex trafficked. And I was just walking around like, just like, oh my God. Like, Kiona, just like, what the fuck are we doing? Terrifying. I apologize for putting you through that. But we did survive, though. We did survive. We did. Yeah. I think we did get party favors from the escalator and the men in there. They did drop us off in one piece. Like, they did not do anything to us, which is great. Yeah. And...

Then the story just escalates and it gets worse. Yeah. We meet up with you guys. You're a little bit upset with us, which I totally understand looking back. Yeah. Yeah.

But we go back up to the room. We take more shots. Of course. I mean, we're in Vegas. We got a rally. Absolutely. We go back down to walk around. Again. With nothing to do. I wish we like had Apple Watches then. How many steps did we, like how many steps? It's just funny because you should have like one plan lined up when you go to Vegas. Right. Nothing. Well, because we think we couldn't. I know. We couldn't get anywhere. So we start walking around and this time like,

the shots were really hitting. Like, I thought I was drunk before when I stole the alcohol, but this was like... Oh, I was blacked. And like, I was obviously browned because... We do remember a couple things. I remember, but like, it's very, very vague.

We are walking through like some mall. Planet Hollywood. Wherever that is, let us know. Exactly. We're at that place and we are walking through and my heel breaks. Your wedge. My wedge. Your summer wedge. Oh my God. This strap breaks off and it's like, no, I literally like cannot walk in this. Yeah.

Grab the wedges in my hand, walk around barefoot. She's barefoot at this point. I'm just sitting there. I'm walking with her. I'm just like, I mean, you know, shoe breaks. Let's go. We got to go. We're just walking around.

I realize, like, you know, we are in Vegas. Like, there could be a rusty needle. There could be a, you know, not safe to be barefoot. Glass, anything. Disgusting, yeah. But, yeah. So, there's a kiosk. And I'm very belligerent once again. Because we're looking for shoes. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

they're selling Crocs at this kiosk. Yes, Crocs kiosk. Yes. Yes. You guys have all seen one. I grab a pair of Crocs. Yeah, purple. Purple Crocs. I thought they were

green. They're purple. So all of you are thinking like, okay, so she grabs them and she purchases them. Nope. I just whip them off the kiosk and I keep walking. Keep on walking. We just keep walking. No payment. Nope. No. It was necessary. Like a woman needs shoes. Yes. But a woman could pay for shoes also if she needs them. But a woman shouldn't have to if she doesn't want to. Guys, I

steal the fucking Crocs. I put them on my feet. So at this point, I'm wearing a little club dress, makeup, hair extensions, and big ass Crocs. Dude, the worst part is that you went, we went into the Betsy Johnson store and we were sitting down these, like the workers are like, hi, can we help you? Like, do you need anything? And you like literally put

on the Crocs in the Betsy Johnson and then like gave them the trash and then like walked away and like we walked out and now she's in these Crocs with a club dress on. Dude, the fact that

The fact that I went into the Betsy Johnson to put them on. To put your stolen Crocs right outside. It's like not like we walked far away from the kiosk. It was literally like the store over from the kiosk. No. We have the confidence of a lion. I swear to God. I swear to God they were coming up to us like, do you want to look at any dresses? And I'm like, nope, just putting these on. I got my Crocs. I'm good. Thank you so much. We're going to go. Thanks, Betsy. We leave.

Back to the hotel. Miss Johnson. And we're just getting fucked up at the hotel where we belong. We are partying in there and we decide to go to sleep. And our friend Misha decides. Didn't want to go to sleep. She didn't want to go to sleep. She had different plans. She had more energy. Apparently she had a little bit more energy. We were drunk. We passed out. Yes. She invites a guy over to fuck her. Yep. Someone she met while walking. Yep.

And while we're asleep, she's getting fucked on the couch. So we wake up in the morning and we are like, great, amazing. Like, it was our day to leave. Yeah, we were ready to leave. We were just like, okay, this has been a wild trip. Let's go home. Yep. Yeah.

It wasn't that wild yet because the man that came over to fuck Misha stole all of her belongings. Yes. Her wallet. Including her wallet. What a guy. What a guy.

So Misha wants her fucking wallet back as she should want her wallet back. And she's like, guys, I'm just going to text him to get it back. And I remember the whole time she was saying that. I'm like, I don't know if he's the type to steal your wallet after fucking you. I don't think he's going to respond. I don't think we're going to get the wallet back. Like I thought she was in denial. Yeah.

She texts the guy and he says, what the fuck does he say? He's like being like, oh, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. Right. And then that's when she's like, where's my wallet? Yes. Like she's like, I'm going to call the cops on you. And then like all of this stuff. She goes AWOL on him as she should. And then I remember her saying like, you can keep the cash in it. Like, I just need my ID. Yeah. And.

The guy was still engaging with her. And the guy said, I'm going to leave it at the front desk of the Flamingo. Right. The Flamingo is a hotel in Vegas. So now we are on Operation Find the Wallet in Vegas. Operation Wallet Find. Yep. In the car. I think, was she using OnStar? Yeah. Something like that. Something like that. And we can't find the Flamingo Hotel. Mm-hmm.

So we are talking to the OnStar person and we just keep saying, where's the flamingo? And mind you, we're like so hungover. Yes. Like we are dead. And we're not articulating our words because we're so fucked up. And so we just kept saying, where's the flamingo? And I'm pretty sure the guy on OnStar was like, I don't...

What do you mean the Flamingo? What Flamingo? Is there like one on the loose? Like, I can't hope you find it. We were like the Flamingo Hotel. Right. So finally, we find the Flamingo Hotel. Shockingly, surprisingly, the guy did leave it at the front desk. Guys, there are good people out there. There are good people. They'll steal your wallet, but they will return it. They will take the cash out because I remember he did. He did. But he left the wallet. He's...

Stand-up guy. What a guy. What a guy. Stand-up guy. Yeah. So that's just a little bit about that trip. That's a trip that, like, I really think I should have died or been arrested. I think so, too. I think so, too. But we lived to tell the tale.

And now we, I hate Vegas. I will never go there again. Well, you did go there again and got your laptop stolen, but that's a different Vegas story. That was my last time. So that's our story. Let's move on to fucking listener questions, please. Ooh.

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John, listener questions and advice. Oh, I love these because I never know them beforehand. I know. So you're going to be surprised. There's some good shit in here. Let's go. This girl wrote in, how do you slide into someone's DMs without sounding like a fucking loser? Came out of a long-term committed relationship and I feel lost. Okay. Okay. So...

I can't say that I have personally tried to, like, DM a guy to hit on him. However, what I would say is no dude getting a DM from a girl is going to find it weird. No. At all. I mean, I...

Honestly, it's really flattering to get DMs. Yeah. And it's not like, what is he going to do? Be like, oh my God, ew, she's DMing me. No. And like what I would do, because I do slide into the DMs sometimes and like I'll just like pick something like from their photos and I'll be like, I really like your style or like, or you know, like I really like, you know, whatever. I'll relate something to like something of their post. I think that's like the best way to go about it is like say something about their post. Don't.

say something about their posts from 2011. Oh, yeah. That's going to be a little creepy. Like, their most recent posts. And I'm not saying, yeah, exactly. Or their story. Mm-hmm. Um,

That's a good one, too. Yeah. Just, like, on the story. Yes. Also, though, I think, like, when a girl gets a DM from a dude... It's different. It has a different vibe. When a girl is DMing a guy... They're more than happy to take your DMs. Yes. They're like, more, more, more. Yes. Yeah. It's...

It feels good for their ego, number one. Number two, and I've said this so many times and I will continue to say it, guys want to get their dick wet. They really do. They're horny as fuck. You are a man. You are horny as fuck. I'm gay. You're still horny as fuck. I don't know. I mean, okay, fine. But I'm not like a freaking psycho straight man. Bottom line, they want to get their dick wet and they're going to respond to you even if you DM them a...

You're cute. Like, don't say, hey, what's up, actually. Say they're cute. Say they're hot. I don't like that. Really? I don't like that. I think you, I honestly think you said it. I think the best thing would be to, like, if you post a story. Respond to it. Respond to it and say, like, oh my gosh, like, where is this? Or, like, what dish is that? I think that you could be like, hey, I think you're hot. John thinks that's too forward, but...

Whatever the fuck you say, I'm most likely fine. Yeah, I wouldn't even double think it. I would say just send it. I don't even... Yeah. I don't second guess that type of stuff. Send whatever the fuck you want. Yeah. For real. A little, like a little cliche, but YOLO. Yeah, YOLO. Fucking send it, girl. Okay, next question. Hey, Slu, I have a serious situation. My boyfriend and I live together and he got a little too drunk the other night. I walked into our room and he was past...

the fuck out, but Grindr was pulled up on his phone. Naturally, I went through everything and he had been sending pictures of his dick to other men and also receiving these pictures. I freaked the fuck out and had to leave, but we talked about things the next day. I was really understanding and open-minded and asked him if he wanted to explore that side and he claimed that he didn't want to do that.

I guess my question is, how do I move forward and try and trust him again? And do you think that he wants to dabble with that side but just doesn't want to come out as gay or bisexual help? Oh, my gosh. Great question. Wait, so this is from a girl? Yes. Oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. John's saying he wants dick. I.

I mean. He does. There's no way. But, like, also, I would already be so annoyed. Wait. Like, already said, like, even if my boyfriend, like, downloaded Grindr and he was on Grindr, I would be, like, already, like, get out. If my boyfriend was asking for pussy pictures, I would be like, fuck you. Get out. Exactly. So, he's. But, like, this is even, like, weirder, or not weirder, but, like, this sucks even more because it's, like, he's obviously into guys. Right. And he also, like, obviously he's bisexual. Oh.

Obviously bisexual. Obviously, like we've already cleared that. He's getting and sending dick pics. And he's hiding that entire aspect of his sexuality from you. Yeah, or he's gay. But he's not straight. I can tell you that much. Because I don't think straight guys are going, I don't define that as straight going through on Grindr.

Straight guys are not sending dick pics and asking for them back. Like if you download the app, like you're already bisexual. You're at least bisexual. It's not even sending the dick pics. It's if you have Grindr on your phone, you're not straight. So I would already be kicking this guy out. He is cheating first and foremost. And if he is bisexual, he is hiding that entire aspect of his sexuality from you.

Right. And, like, I don't know if you want to, like, entertain that lifestyle of, like, maybe, like, bringing that into the bedroom. It sounds like he doesn't want to at all, though. Then I would – I don't like this guy. I don't like him. I would say, like, find, you know, maybe a guy that is, like, not doing that. Yeah. And then maybe this guy just kind of can –

go fuck off. So that's it. Next question. Hi, Sophia. I love the podcast. So I have a topic that has not been discussed on the pod yet. Long story short, my ex-boyfriend asked me if he had the biggest dick I fucked and absolutely

I said no. This crushed his ego and he started researching how to make his dick bigger. He began dick growing exercises to stretch his dick. Please let me know if you have ever heard about this before. Oh, bebecito. Despacito. That's a little bit heartbreaking to me.

Poor guy. That's poor guy. I mean, kind of, but like it's the same thing if I were to ask the guy I'm dating, do I have the tightest pussy you've ever had? Well, I guess he didn't get the answer he was looking for. I mean. No, but I, trust me, when you, let's just put it this way, the guy that I, the guys I've dated in the past, I know I have not had the tightest pussy. Right.

I don't know anything about that. I can't comment on that. Okay, John, we're not commenting on vaginas. I'm just saying, like, I know better than to ask a question like that because I know better than to ask a question like that.

I'm pretty sure once the guy has fucked, you know, 50 plus girls, I don't have the tightest pussy. Right. I mean, like, also, what kind of question is that? Like, why is he asked, like, who's the biggest dick you've ever seen? And then he goes and takes, like, steroid shots. It sounds a little dramatic, buddy. Like, if you know how to use it, you know how to use it. You've got this far and you just found out you had a small dick. Like, come on. Like, it doesn't make sense.

It's not adding up for me. I feel like, honestly, I don't think dick size even matters. It doesn't. I mean, come on. Like, to a certain extent, like, it matters or needs to be, like, something there. Right.

Yeah, I've seen some pretty small licks. But this guy is, I just think he's in the wrong for asking that. I think if he is going to ask something like that, it's similar to asking, like, what's your number? How many people have you had sex with? Lie. If they ask you that shit, just lie. Or just don't ask questions you don't want the wrong answer to. Like, expect the truth. I know, but I'm telling her to lie to him.

And I'm telling him to, like, don't ask questions if you don't want an honest answer. Honestly, I don't think I could lie, though. I would lie. If I was... I would say no. If it weren't, I would be like, obviously no. If the guy I... So I don't think it's wrong by her. I think he just has a weird ego thing. Girlfriend, you just need to make it known that...

You did nothing wrong, girl. No, you didn't do anything wrong. But now I'm going to try to see it from his perspective. And like you said, when I first answered, you were like...

Well, I sympathize with the guy. Yeah. Because he's really obviously sad about it. He's trying to stretch out his dick. Like, he's really concerned about it. Right. Which is obviously sad, but, I mean, he needs to work on his, like, self-confidence. That's, yes. It really only matters is, like, if he's good in bed, if he knows how to use it, then it shouldn't even matter. And as the girl— If he needs therapy for his answer, he can go there, too. Yeah. There he goes. I don't think it's that big of a deal. For the girl that wrote the question in, though—

Just make it known that he fucks you so amazing and that's why you're with him. Just really make it known. If he does, then say that. Just keep being honest. Yes. And then you'll get satisfied. Yes. And I mean, if you want to backtrack on your lie, you could be like, well, you don't have the lie. Those shots are really working, babe. I see a big difference. No, you don't want to say it.

Yes, tell him that you can tell that he has been working on stretching out that dick because it is longer. Yeah, he needs to start doing ads for this product. Yeah, girlfriend, just say his dick has grown two—it's like the Grinch. His dick has grown two sizes that day. It's here to steal your Christmas. Yes.

John, I think we are out of time. I love you so much. I love you. I can't wait to be doing this when I'm in New York and we're recording there. Please come home to me. I need to. If

If you guys want to follow him, you absolutely should. It's again on Instagram at JohnLikeTheBible. Twitter? No, I only have, yeah. Instagram. TikTok? I have TikTok. Okay, is it JohnLikeTheBible on there too? It's JohnLikeTheBible. Thanks for having me. Thank you, John. And I will be talking to you guys next week.