Chapters
Shownotes Transcript
Hi everybody, welcome to Sophia with an F, Merry Xmas, Merry Kwanzaa, and Merry Krumpmas.
And Mary Slootmas. I am so fucking excited to do this hotline episode. This is my new favorite thing in the entire world. Even when I'm not working, I'm going to be listening to these shits because you guys are out of your minds. This support from you guys is really...
unparalleled and has really touched my heart. I mean it. So let's start with the very first one. I fucking hate you. You fucking waste.
You're a bitch.
I'm just kidding. You know what? Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Charlotte McKinney from Wisconsin address 213. That's what I fucking should have done to you, bitch. Okay. You know what? No, I feel like that was very rude, but it was also very funny. And I understand the big head thing.
I mean, I don't understand personally. I know Albert Einstein had a huge forehead. I know nothing about that at all. My hats are always way too big on my head because my forehead is so tiny. I wish I could get a bigger forehead and get laser hair removal around the scalp.
Guys, I'm joking. I do have a big forehead. And you know what? That means I have a bigger brain than your little tiny pea brain. Minnesota, Wisconsin, Charlotte, motherfucker. I'm
Um, guys, every single person has left the chat, but I promise you the rest of the episode, it's only positivity from here. I swear to God. And you know what? There's really not that much to say. You're kind of a psychotic bitch. And I actually know exactly, exactly what you need. Okay.
besides a facial and a bikini wax and lip injections and tit implants and a father and a job and a self-esteem. Bye bye, bitch. You are psychotic. And I actually know exactly what you fucking need. And it's better help. H-E-L-P.
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Hey, Sophia, big time fan of your podcast. I'm just calling for some advice on something embarrassing that I did with my girlfriend. So basically, long story short, I had had her sleeping over at my apartment to take a nap after a long night of drinking. And I got up way before her, so I had the urge to fart and...
I pulled down my pants and brought it on her. I didn't think she'd wake up, but she did. And she got really pissed and laughed. And she's just not returning my calls or texts. Just wondering how you'd go about that. I feel like you have to be a repeat offender because pulling down the pants, like that gave you away. And...
I really just, I want to help you, but I'm just thinking about how your farts smelled after a huge night of drinking, which you made sure to include. I'm like, this Svedka fart. That's how my mom would always catch me in high school, drinking. Like a fucking naughty light fart. You had a fratty fireball fart.
Friday fireball barter, tongue twister, everyone try it at home. Yeah, I just don't think I can help you, buddy. Because honestly, I just don't believe you. And I think this is your fetish at the end of the day. And I think take ownership and fart away. Considering that was premeditated murder, I think leave her the fuck alone. Leave her alone. Move on. Stop texting her and have a great day. Bye.
Hey, Sophia. So I was just wondering, what is the best angle to get when you're, you know, masturbating and you want to send to a guy? I just want to know the real trick shot that you have. Let me know. Love you. Love you. Okay, I feel like this is a really great question because, you know,
Unfortunately, a lot of women don't want to put their vagina on blast. What I mean by that is they don't feel comfortable or they're fine with it, but they like don't want it in a video. Girls do not want to see their vagina on video or in a picture or even in the fucking mirror.
So I understand how this can be difficult. And there's two things. I talked to one of my really good guy friends about this one because I have my own way. And then he told me something that he had seen that he liked. Foot on the tub. I personally find it repulsive anytime you take any type of nude in a fucking bathroom setting. But...
I guess men don't care, obviously. Actually, that makes sense because why the fuck would they? They only see tits and ass. He said foot on the tub, but the reason that he liked it is because you could see her ass also. And he said no offense to girls, but a vagina is just not interesting. No offense, but vaginas are just not that interesting looking.
Which I found interesting myself. But you said they're really just not that interesting to look at at all. And seeing the ass in the background, like an addition, like an ornament on a Christmas tree, that is really what takes it home. So essentially what you're doing is like the, you're holding your phone or your Polaroid camera underneath your pussy. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.
And it's the shot is up your vagina, obviously. And I think when you're taking the picture from below like that, yes, your ass tends to look really fucking good. And they get to get, you know, the pussy shot and maybe even the tits show up in there. Like it kind of shows off the whole bod. So I totally get where he's coming from. I actually just remembered something. When I was in college, I was dating this dude.
Like we weren't even really that serious. I don't know. I can't really remember. Anyways, he asked for a nude and I was so excited, actually, because slew and I sent him my tits. That's what I did. And I remember he responded and he was like, like, that's child's play. L.O.L. Let me see your pussy and make sure the lips are spread. Right.
And that really just always traumatized me. And I don't think I ever spoke to him again. But like for some reason, it really freaked me out. I think after that moment, I was a little bit – I might have even been in high school to be honest. But it was also just like a senior and I was like a junior or some shit. Whatever. It doesn't matter. The point is it kind of traumatized me.
And I just thought that was the most vulgar thing ever. Now I'm just like spread them. Spread the ass cheeks, spread the lips, spread the legs, spread it all. And when I say spread the lips, I do mean my pussy lips and I'm talking about my one wizard sleeve. My labia that dangles down to the flow and the other one that's sitting up tight, right and bright.
Just kidding. I actually don't have that, but I overheard someone calling it a wizard sleeve one time talking about this girl's vagina, and I thought that was such a cute way to describe it. Ladies, whatever you have, put the two fingers down there, and this is real advice now. I have done it where you better fucking make sure you have a manicure.
Thank you. And I prefer to do a video over a picture. It just, I thought my vagina just ended up looking better that way. And I just took it laying down and I just kind of showed, you know, my two fingers running down my pussy. And then...
Yeah, just kind of spreading my lips and just kind of playing around and touching my clit and whatever else, you know? So that is from my perspective. We got to hear from his perspective. He also said she like...
was like spitting on her hand in this video slash picture that she took of her pussy and was like rubbing it on her nipples i don't know he was just like a vagina is it's just kind of an open flesh wound and there's just nothing that interesting about it to which i said i promise you dicks are way less interesting but whatever
What a real Geronimo. Let's listen to the next one. So I crashed an egg down my boyfriend's pants during an argument. I'm trying to wash his khakis. I know he shouldn't be wearing khakis, but he's wearing khaki pants. And I'm in a tough spot. Okay. I'm fucking dying. Um...
It was a little muffled, but essentially what I'm understanding is you cracked an egg onto your boyfriend and then he was wearing khakis and you understand that that is completely inappropriate, which I agree. And then you said you had to wash the pants and you just don't know what to do about it.
if I were to look into the DSM and figure out what is going on here, I feel like I have no fucking clue what to tell you because I don't know what the fuck that voicemail was. And, uh,
Happy eggnog. Hey, Sophia. I was once at a party for my friend, and I got a little tipsy, and I started hooking up with this guy I hooked up with before. And, like, the first time we hooked up, terrible. Like, really, really awful. Probably the worst sex of my life. He was a head pusher. That's all he wanted was head. He had sex for maybe...
maybe two minutes and it was just terrible. And so we were going to give it another shot. And so we went out to my car and we started hooking up and apparently everyone at the party found out about it and they surrounded my car and were shining their flashlights in. This guy takes the blanket completely covers himself up like I'm naked covers himself up so I'm just like left there
hanging, not sure what to do. So I take like a corner of it and I try and cover myself as best as I can. And then people start rocking the car and trying to get in. And next thing I know, there's people on top of my car just jumping on it.
And I just didn't know what to do. And they didn't stop. I had to get dressed and go out and, like, get them away. It was terrible. I ended up leaving that night. Just, like, oh, it was so bad. Probably the worst sex of my life, to be honest. But, yeah, that's just one of my little stories. Hope you enjoy. Bye.
Uh, I don't even know what to say, but I do know what to fucking say. There are, uh, there's a thesis, middle, beginning, and an entire novel that should be devoted to this question. But as quickly as I can, number one, Headbutcher.
When men do this to me, I slap their little disgusting hands away. Just kidding. It's always the guys that last two minutes that are the head pushers because they know if they insert the penis into your vagina, they will explode in 10 seconds rather than 45 seconds.
And I think what you do in that situation is you grind your teeth on that bitch up and down, slide it all around. But that wasn't the main point of the question. The main thing is the fucking car hookup.
Okay, first of all, I want to know what neighborhood that was in because I need to visit because I feel like the parties are wild and that's where I belong. Secondly, it is no surprise that this dude grabbed the blanket off of your naked body to cover his big ass nipples. Nick Jonas. Just kidding. He used the blanket to cover his penis and left you naked naked.
Oh my God. I would fucking kill a bitch, which actually leads me to a bigger question. What body part would you cover up first, ladies? Would it be the tits or the vagina? Because for me, I would just like cross my legs and I feel like you couldn't really see the vagina. So I'd cover the tits or maybe I would like hurry pancake over. That's what I would do. I'd pancake over and put the blanket over my butt.
Then this girl tells us that all of the people from the party rushed the car, were taking pictures on their phones, and then started rocking the car back and forth and jumping on the hood of the car while she is laying there bare ass naked. And that little loser of a guy, that little weasel is covering himself with a blanket.
like are we in pocahontas savages savages barely even human like these people sound like straight up fucking barbarians damn but i'm kind of it's it reminds me of every single rap video i've ever seen ever and low-key like i want to go to some shit where people are doing that but
all of you guys for doing that. That's so fucked up. And girl, please message me because I need to send you some merch and a blanket. Good luck.
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Hey, Sophia. So I have a story. When I was in college, I dated a major fuckboy. But, of course, at the time, thought I was so in love with him. We worked at the same bar. So long story short, I found out he cheated on me with another girl that we bartended with and completely unrelated, but the girl's name was Vicky, which, like, I don't know.
Don't they always cheat on you with fucking Vicky? Anyway, wrote me a beautiful letter to get me back, and I was an idiot, so it worked. I was so proud of this letter. It was so beautiful. I showed it to all my friends. One of my friends showed her boyfriend, like, hey, look at this sweet thing that so-and-so's man did for her, like,
Why don't you ever do anything nice for me like this? Well, he listens to the letter and he says, that sounds really familiar. They Google a few lines from it. Basically, the whole letter was completely plagiarized. I don't know if anyone watches Californication. I definitely don't.
but the guy I'd been dating at the time was obsessed with it. And I guess in one of the episodes, he writes this long letter. It's like a season finale to the character that he's in love with. And I shit you not, the guy was dating, plagiarized that word for word, changed a few small details to make it about the city we lived. So that's my story.
No fucking way, dog. Holy shit. Okay. Oh my god, I want to hate this guy so bad because like, I can just imagine you reading that letter and dying from secondhand embarrassment.
I'm really not trying to be a bitch. Like, I mean, I've been cheated on, but like, just when it slowly started to dawn on you that it was word for word copied and pasted from this show, Californication, it would be from that show. Like the whole entourage, bottom of the barrel, douchebag, frat bro, Brad thing.
You know, that watches Entourage every fucking day with a giant Yeti in a Patagonia vest. Like, disgusting. But at the same time, I kind of have to hand it to him. Like, this kind of is brilliant. And I'm just thinking to myself, like, all of the times that I needed to apologize for something that I did where I fucked up, I could have just copied and pasted from somewhere and
I mean, if this guy is getting like mad pussy and he's a player and he's fucking bitches every week, you know, like multiple bitches every week, then I think it's kind of smart for him to do that. He doesn't have time to write you, you know, a Dear John letter. And I also really hate to say this, but your friends absolutely were talking about it behind your back.
Girlfriend, you were bamboozled! Hoodwinked, led astray. But I digress. Fuck him. But also, I'm going to take that. I'm going to take that little trick and use it in my own life. He was getting pressed, and he knows how to fucking get out of shit. And so...
I probably need to send him some merch because without him, girl, you would not have been able to give me this amazing ass content for my show. So thank you, Brad. Let's listen to the next one.
Hi, Sophia. So me and my boyfriend debate all the time whether saying the word females is kind of like offensive or derogatory. I get where he's coming from in the sense that like females is just like a word, it's a noun to describe women. It's just another way to describe women when you don't know if they're like a woman or a girl.
That's always his argument, but for me, I feel like you can use females as an adjective fine, like a female nurse, a male nurse. But when you say, I hate it when females do this, it just feels wrong, and I don't know where to, like, I think it's just, like, objectifying. I feel like it's a little objectifying. Yep, that's all I have. I'll be having happy holidays.
Okay, so using the word female, is it derogatory? Obviously, the way in which a word is used can make it derogatory or not. If you're checking the box at the DMV saying you're a female and not a male, then, you know, that's obviously fine. If a dude is like my fucking female...
was acting like a blank, then I see how it's totally inappropriate and not okay. And it's kind of interesting because, like, the word bitch and slut and hoe, those words were kind of intended...
To be used negatively. And, I mean, I guess not really bitch. Bitch is a female dog. Do you remember saying that when you were younger? Okay, but yes, a female dog. So, yes, like, these terms, they were intended to kind of... Not kind of, but be derogatory. This word female, it's kind of just, like, over time become that thing because of the fucking patriarchy. Let's take it down. But...
I don't know. This is a tough one for me because what it's doing is it is reducing you down to your reproductive system and your reproductive organs and your reproductive abilities. You know what I mean? Some people were not born with any of those things and still consider themselves a female type thing. And I think, you know, as time goes on,
People are becoming more and more woke. You heard that correctly. I just used the word woke. And so people are just, you know, as time progresses, we are paying attention more and we're not putting up with as much shit.
And, you know, slang is just always changing also. But that's kind of all I have to say about that. I feel like that was a completely ridiculous answer. I'm going to research this more and maybe elaborate on it because it is very interesting to me. Females are bad at driving, though. Okay.
Okay, let's move it along. Okay, so see, I'm going to retell this story because I was kind of rambling on because I literally just hit a car as I was talking. Anyways, basically, I would like to speak on the topic of fucking guys. Let's just fucking ask the guys. Let's just fucking say it.
I'm not going to lie to you. It is an enjoyable experience for this reason. When you fuck an ugly guy, you feel so hot and there's no chance of you catching feelings because you don't want to fucking date an ugly guy. So you just can do whatever you want. You feel so confident. You're more likely to have an orgasm. You're more likely to fucking do anything. Have crazy, wild-ass sex. And it's amazing.
I was like laughing the entire fucking time you were telling that story, girlfriend. Hey, Sophia, just needed to leave another voicemail because I was rambling and I hit a car. Okay. Girl, you are my soul sister and my spirit animal and my muse. Fucking ugly, guys. I mean, my feeling on this is...
I have talked about this before. I have been told by, like, even close friends that fucking a guy you don't find attractive is the best sex because exactly like you said in the voicemail, you are not worried about the way you look and impressing them and blah, blah, blah, blah, because you're not attracted to them. I will say, though, girls can still fall in love with the ugly guy. I think that's, like, important to know. Fiona and Shrek.
Asmerelda and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Let me know if you need any other peer-reviewed answers or examples, I mean. Also, I heard that if you're writing a guy...
Because the only way I've had an orgasm by being on top is I had to do the scoot it and boot it, you know, and not the up and down. And I heard that if the guy's like on the fatter end of the scale, that that kind of belly fat makes it easier for your clit to rub up against it. So dad bods all day long. Or if it's like really next level and you are fucking repulsed by this guy, just make him put a shirt on. Okay, I'm fucking rambling, but
But just don't get too comfortable, girlfriend. Because if he makes you cum a certain amount of times, he's going to start looking a little hotter and hotter every day. You know what I'm saying? And I mean, you got to tell me how ugly on the ugly scale, 1 through 10. Is it a Seth Rogen type thing? Because you guys are going to end up married. But anyways, thanks. I hope your car is okay. And that car is well.
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Hey, Sophia, I wrote a theme song for the show. Sophia with an F. Yeah, baby. Sophia with an F. We are the flute. Yeah. Wow.
I am really at a loss for words. I'm not laughing at you. This is just this is really something. Someone needs to call Scooter Braun because this this is the next big thing. Ariana Grande, watch the fuck out.
But seriously, this is the funniest shit I have ever fucking heard. And I am going to make it my ringtone. And thank you, bitch. Thank you, slew. Best Christmas gift ever. We are the suits.
Okay, guys, that was honestly so much fun. I cannot wait to do it again. Thank you so much for calling in. I really had the best time listening to these voicemails. I was just sipping on wine at midnight listening to these and having a blast. And I was like, holy shit, who needs friends? Yeah.
But I hope everyone has an amazing holiday and stays safe. I know this year has been fucking insane. And I just wanted to say that I am so proud of all of my sleuths for making it through. And thank you for sticking by me. For real. For real. For real. No matter what we went through, we are still here. And that's what fucking matters.
And I seriously love you guys, and I don't want to be mushy, but I really do. I also want to let you guys know that there won't be an episode next week, but I have a ton of shit planned for you guys for 2021. I'm so excited to continue on this journey with all of you, honestly. And I just, you know, really, really need a break, as I'm sure we all do.
So I'll be going to Mexico with my mans and my family. And I love you, bitches. Also, guys, make sure to follow me on all of my socials. It's Sophia with an F, Franklin with a Y. And check out my merch. I actually have new merch coming out very, very soon. And I took forever being super obsessive compulsive about it and being the perfectionist that I am about it. And it's dope.
It really, really is. You can find the merch at sophiafranklin.com and I will see you guys in the new fucking year.
