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James and I have been in contact. When I was manically cleaning, I did text him and I said, sorry to bug you. That's the reason I told this entire story is just so I could let you guys know I fucking, fucking use that line. I have been waiting to tell you guys this story since yesterday when it happened to me. And for each and every one of you listening, I just want to say thank
The fact that you have made it this far, you should be extremely proud of yourself and give yourself a pat on the back because life is extremely fragile and extremely difficult and shit's fucking hard. Okay. Yesterday I am walking to an open house and
to check out an apartment and I noticed like the bottom of my bag is wet. And this is a leather bag, by the way.
And I'm like, oh shit. I look inside and my entire water bottle, by the way, this is what happens when you buy the dupe water bottle version that's like $10 cheaper. Just you don't do that. Like dupe versions of things every once in a while can work, but a lot of times they don't.
I look inside my purse and there is a puddle of water. Like the entire thing had spilled. I absolutely need to get to this open house and show them that I actually mean it because it's one of my top choices right now.
And in the streets of New York, you don't really have a garbage right next to you. You don't have your car. You don't just happen to have like a towel or a napkin. And if you were to go inside any local store and ask for a plastic bag or a cloth or a tissue,
They would most likely tell you to fuck off. So I'm on the side of the street. I like empty out my purse, empty the water out, fucking march my way to the open house. Don't care. Took a look at the apartment. Wasn't even that cool and marched on my way home. Okay. Nothing like too exciting.
Put on this sweat set that this brand sent to me like a couple months ago. And I'm like cleaning my apartment and I look in the mirror and I see that there's like these pieces.
Black dots. There's like five or six of them, like two on the pants and three on the hoodie. And I'm like, OK, I must have spilled something splattered because it's kind of weird how it looks. They're like perfect little circles.
And I just keep going about my business and I look down and I'm like, what the hell? Like what got on my hoodie? And I start scratching at it and it's hard and it's like not just coming right off. So I have to like basically like pull it out of the fabric. And I'm like, ew, what the hell? Like it felt like when you got a little grain of rice stuck to something and
And I was like, wait, that was very bizarre. I keep cleaning because I have ADHD and obviously just nothing occurred to me. And then I sit down like a couple hours later and I am looking at like my pants, crotch area, and I see the two dots and I'm like, something is wrong. Something is up.
And this is freaking me the fuck out. And I look at it really closely and I'm like, there's just no fucking way that this could be what I think it is. There's no way that this could be an insect of some kind. And not only that, but an insect that travels in a pack and has infested this entire sweatsuit.
I lose my mind. I rip the sweatsuit off, throw it in a garbage bag. I like wrap it up tightly. I start ripping apart like my sheets and my covers and going through my clothes and looking to see if I can find any more of these like little teeny tiny pieces of shit. The fact that I'm like referring to a bug as a piece of shit is whatever. So...
I don't spot anything. That doesn't matter. This is every homeowner's worst nightmare. You like how I threw in...
the word homeowner. This is every person that lives in any fucking place. It is their worst nightmare. I have a phobia of bugs. Okay. I get very, very creeped out by insects, by bugs, throw a snake in my yard. I like don't really give a shit. Heights. I don't really love tsunamis. You
Bugs is where I draw the line. And I think that's most people. I didn't realize like the extent of my phobia until this shit went down. So I have to run to another showing.
And the reason I fucking sealed it up in a garbage bag is because I was like, well, I'm going to have to call an exterminator or pest control and they're going to have to come and I'm going to have to show them what the hell I'm talking about. So I got to keep these fuckers in in a safe zone where they can't escape. But I have access to them.
I run to this open house. I like tell my assistant, I feel like bugs crawling all over me. And I go to this open house. Then I had to go to a fucking another one after that. I'm pretty sure the dude was like, have you even looked at the apartment? Cause you've been on your phone the whole time. And I was like, excuse me, sir, have a major, major infestation of mine. Actually, I didn't say that because then they'd probably be like,
Okay, bitch. Well, we're not going to have you move in here then. You and your bugs life can stay right where you are. Leave the open house. I'm on my way home and I'm like texting with my assistant and she goes...
Hey, I keep sending the picture that you took to these different pest control companies and both of them are telling me like the picture's too blurry. Do you think you could open the garbage bag and get another picture? I don't know. Do you think that you could get in a rocket ship and go land on the moon? Do you think that you could get a tightrope and walk across the Empire State Building and whatever buildings next to it?
No, actually no, I can't get a better picture. And me getting that one picture was beyond traumatizing. Like for me, it was beyond, beyond, beyond.
I don't want to admit it, but I am getting older and lately I've noticed a dullness to my skin and some signs of aging that I've never seen before. So I knew it was time I refreshed and upgraded my skincare routine. One of the best things I did was a CynoGlow treatment by Cynosure. And I am so excited to tell you guys about it. CynoGlow is a
Cynoglow is a treatment that combines the PicoSure Pro laser, a picosecond laser technology with Potenza RF microneedling. On its own, PicoSure Pro tackles uneven skin tone and texture, treating hyperpigmentation, dark spots, and wrinkles. On the other hand, Potenza microneedling stimulates
stimulates your body's collagen levels to give you tighter, firmer looking skin and targets unsightly blemishes for a smoother, more radiant complexion. Together, by combining the two treatments, you get all of these benefits in one.
Who wouldn't want that? With CynoGlow, the strength of the laser combined with the depth of the microneedling really allows deeper skin concerns to be treated. CynoGlow targets pigment, tone, and texture, and I definitely saw a difference in my skin after the treatment.
One of my favorite things about the CyanoGlo is that it has minimal discomfort and no downtime. So you're not sitting in the chair uncomfortable and you can get right back to your routine once finished. The entire treatment takes less than an hour.
If you are really looking to upgrade your skincare routine and tackle pigment, tone, and texture, I highly recommend trying out CynoGlow by Cynosure. For more information and to find a provider near you, visit cyno.news.com and check out my Instagram reel. ♪
So I decide to take matters into my own hands and I take one of the photos and I hurry and downloaded this like Google scanner app where apparently you can fucking scan anything in the entire universe and it will populate exactly what it is. And so I do the little scan and it tells me that I'm going to be able to
I have in fact a tick on my hands. Multiple of them. So then
Just when I thought I was like disgusted and horrified, I was like, oh, so that one functional medicine doctor that I went to a few months back who did diagnose me with Lyme's disease, but then also told me like my body was able to fight off the infection. So I don't necessarily need to worry about it, but I do need to take a regimen of very expensive vitamins.
I kind of thought about maybe giving her a little ring-a-ding-ding and telling her, oh, I wasn't, I don't think my body fought it off. Like, my body's been cohabitating with tics. And I want to cry. And I have Lyme disease. And I don't know where else they are. And are they on my fucking body? Because I was wearing the sweat set for hours. I tell my assistant, okay,
And she goes, okay, calm down. Everything's going to be fine. These guys just keep saying the picture's too blurry. I'm like, can they put their glasses on? Do they know how to zoom in? She's like, can you just go home and take another picture with flash before you start freaking out? I'm like, sure, fine. Meanwhile, in my head, I'm like, you're out of your goddamn mind if you think that's happening. And I get home.
I close the door to my room. I'm sitting on the couch. I'm thinking about what hotel I'm going to go stay at. And then I was like, Sophia, that's way too overboard. And then I'm like looking at my couch and I'm like, you stupid bitch. This is why you get a couch for comfort and not for cuteness. But I guess it will have to do. Oh my God. I was sitting on the couch with the sweat set on. Oh my, like, oh my God.
I look at my phone and my assistant goes, do you think it could be mold? Okay, this sounds like the reason being
I'm laughing because I'm making her sound awful. It wasn't her. It was all of these men who work at these pest control companies fucking gaslighting the shit out of her. She's not here to actually see the damn thing. I'm probably explaining it not very well and probably didn't even explain that there were five of them.
So yeah, she's kind of gaslighting me, but only because they're gaslighting the fuck out of her. You know what I'm saying? Imagine you being in that situation and someone has the audacity to say, do you think it's mold? When I tell you, I almost chucked my phone out the fucking window.
So I love Soph. This has nothing to do with her. And she actually was the one who ultimately saved the day because she went to her resources and she was like, you know what? These people online can't be trusted. Let me go to my fucking contacts because she's that bitch. And she gets this guy to respond, who's the bug expert to the stars, right?
Just kidding. I have no idea. All I know is his name is James. I actually don't know if that's true. But what I do know is that James went to like an Ivy League school and he knows his goddamn bugs. And you know what? Do you think James responded saying, oh, the picture's too blurry? No. James responded and said, that is a carpet beetle.
If there's not a ton of them, you're completely fine. Just throw out the clothes and clean whatever area the clothes was in. Am I going to sit here and say after finding out it was a carpet beetle, all my worries went away? No, but knowing it wasn't a fucking tick and knowing I wasn't like
and infested and maybe had like a terminal autoimmune disorder, it was pretty goddamn comforting. And then James and I have been in contact. When I was manically cleaning, I did text him and I said, sorry to bug you. That's the reason I told this entire story is just so I could let you guys know I fucking love
Fucking use that line. So James like came to save the day. This episode is really for James. James is my savior in Christ. James the fucking Terminator. And I don't know what he looks like. I don't know how old he is. He's probably married with kids. I hope he's not because that is the equivalent of like a firefighter or a policeman fetish. Probably tops that.
Like that, a bug expert who could just save your life in that way. I think, I mean, it was kind of the sexiest thing ever. I was like, no boyfriend has ever made me feel this safe to the point that I
I went to the garbage bag. I cut it open with fucking scissors. I grabbed a piece of tape. I taped it on one of those fuckers. I put the tape in a plastic baggie. I ziplocked it. And you know what? I took, I had a photo shoot. I had a field day. I have 78 photos.
photos, angles, flash on, flash off, studio lighting. I had the fucking bug in all different directions. Spread Eagle. Like I went to town and you know what? Now y'all can look at this bitch under a microscope. Picture's blurry. Get the fuck out of here. The whole moral of the story is it really is
showed me the strength that I have within myself I didn't know I had. The independence, the strength, the courage. And this is really a feminist story. A story of feminism.
Like that Bo Burnham song, everyone's a feminist until there's a spider around. I don't fucking think so. All right, sleuths, I love you guys so much and happy Monday. Let's get this shit going. Let's lock in.
Hopefully you have your air pods in and your office chair and you're fucking got these spreadsheets. Let's fucking go. I low-key have to like look at spreadsheets right now and do uncategorized taxes. I love you guys so much. Talk to you next week. Bye.
