Death & Taxes 35:16

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My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.

My friend's still laughing at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash results to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Whether you're selling a little or a lot...

Shopify helps you do your thing, however you cha-ching. From the launch your online shop stage, all the way to the we just hit a million orders stage. No matter what stage you're in, Shopify's there to help you grow. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash special offer, all lowercase. That's shopify.com slash special offer. Hey everyone, it's Trevor. We're here today with another fun episode.

No new announcements today, but we have some really exciting projects in the works soon. In the meantime, if you love Mayfair, consider checking out some of the other Bloody FM shows, like Haunted American History, Paralyzed, or Scare You to Sleep. You can find these podcasts by searching Bloody FM in your podcast app, or by visiting us online at bloody.fm. Also, just so you know, I'll be attending the Ghoulish Book Festival in San Antonio, Texas in April, and I hope to see you there. And now, enjoy this week's episode.

We are The Watchers.

Unseeing.

Welcome to Mayfair Watchers Society. This guy has the world's longest driveway. The intel packet says he's a recluse. Must like living in the middle of nowhere. Real Unabomber type, maybe? It's not the guy. It's what's living in his house. What do you think it is? Pack of cannons? Crawlers?

Maybe brain worms? I don't give a crap what they are as long as we can kill them. Place is up ahead. Holy shit. Looks like the Munsters place. Doesn't look like he was that rich. But he must have been if the IRS was after him. The IRS? You're kidding me. Yeah, that's who brought us in. One of their investigators was looking into this Wozniak guy on Wa'ewal. Last report from them said something about the place being haunted.

You read the packet, right? You're the smart one. I leave intel to you. Here we are. Keep your eyes open. I've done this before, Tyler. Marcos hasn't. Hey, I know what I'm doing. Sure you do.

Every new exterminator's an expert until the walls start growing hands. We gonna knock? I got a crowbar-shaped skeleton key right here and I don't want to hang around. Fine. One sec. For the recording. This is Field Cell 12, Tyler, Marcus, and Quinn. We're at the home of Sander Wozniak, following up on an expedited client request for an investigate and neutralize on the property. Do we have guns out?

What do you think? Just keep your finger off the trigger unless you see something that isn't human. If you shoot me, I'll kill you. 10-4. Okay, Quinn. Do it. This is Marcos. Initial field notes. We swept the house to secure it. No contacts. No sign of Wozniak or the IRS agent. But that doesn't mean a lot, because Wozniak was a hoarder.

First thing through the front door were piles of newspapers. Some of them were from the 90s. Boxes stacked up everywhere, garbage bags full of God knows what. Some rooms had barely enough space to get inside. On top of that, the place is falling apart. It wouldn't surprise me if Wozniak ended up underneath a pile of this junk that fell on him. Maybe Agent Carruthers, too.

No contacts with anomalies either. Again, there's plenty of places for them to hide, so that doesn't mean much. Next up, we search each room methodically for signs of an anomaly. I'm not looking forward to that. I swear I heard rats scurrying under the floorboards. Marcos, quit the deer diary bullshit. Get up here. I'm supposed to keep field notes. You're supposed to do what I say. Move it.

Tyler found another room. It's behind all this crap. What's in the boxes? Books and clothes. Everything looks a century old. I can't get this door open. Give Quinn a hand busting it down. What's in there? We haven't seen a bathroom on this floor, so I'm guessing it's that. What a treat. We get a gate crash the shitter. Come on. Oh, God. Oh, God, what is that?

Something died in here. More like someone. Look in the bath. Holy shit. Who was it? It doesn't look too fresh, but from the description, I'd say it's Sander Wozniak. How long has he been here? Couple of weeks, maybe. Keep your lunch down, rookie. Could be way worse. If the bath was full, he'd have turned into corpse-flavored chowder.

Oh, God. All these boxes fell in front of the bathroom door and broke the frame, so the door got stuck. The windows painted shut. He couldn't get out. You think he got trapped in here? He was an old man. Lived alone. Nobody around for miles. See the lid for the toilet cistern? He tried to use it to smash the window, but he wasn't strong enough. Whoa. Look at this. The toilet? I ain't going anywhere near it. In the cistern...

There's a bunch of plastic bags. That's a lot of money. How much do you think is in there? Those are 20s. Ten grand, maybe? No wonder the IRS were after him.

He had all his cash in this dump and didn't declare it. Sticking it to the man. Yeah, he's not sticking it anywhere now. I got the forms in the car. I'll fill it out for HQ. The forms? If you find a stiff, you gotta fill in the paperwork. HQ needs something to file. Tape up the door. Keep looking for anything else we've missed. A building this size should have a basement somewhere. How much cash do you think is in this house? For you?

None. Come on. No one will miss it. Rookie tax. Think of it as paying your dues.

HQ here. What are you reporting? We found a corpse. Do you have an H-377 deceased person custody transference form to hand? Yep. Got it right here. And a 1730 biohazard liability waiver? Got that too. I need an incident number. Number of deceased persons? One. Was the death a result of operative action? Not this time. Is there an active non-anomalous threat?

Not unless you count black mold. Your incident number is 41C77Sigma. Do you know the identity of the deceased? Pretty sure it's Sander Wozniak, the owner of the property under investigation. The operation intel has his details. Looks like accidental- Operative Tyler? Are you there? I heard something. Could be our anomaly. Damn.

Anomaly spotted! Multiple humanoids! Quinn! Marcos! I'm in the front room! Get over here! Consume... Shit! Devour... Ah! Suck it, you little dickholes! Pay us! Where are they? Are you okay? I'm not hurt.

Did you get that?

Are there bodies? Looks like they all bugged out. If we killed any, they took the bodies with them. Looks like they sunk through the floor or went through the walls. Tricky little bastards. Whatever they are. I hear humanoids are the worst. They're the smartest. They came at me when I was on my own. Nobody go anywhere alone in the house. Have you found the basement? Yeah, the door was behind an old motorbike. Who keeps a motorbike in the hallway anyway?

There's an attic too, but it's empty. The one place he didn't fill with crap. Then we go down there next. If these assholes are hiding there, we'll flush them out. I'd rather just burn the place down. Not like Wozniak's around to miss it. You know that doesn't always work with these freaks. Remember that giant eel that lived in the water treatment plant? Lived through bullets, grenades, fire, everything.

Turned out the only thing that hurt it was salt. Fine. We're going bug hunting. Lucky you, rookie. You're gonna get your hands dirty. Are we killing them? Like, guns live? We're called exterminators, Marcos. What do you think? Okay. Weapons free then. Just like the Founding Fathers intended. No HQ likes everything to be written up in a report, so here's mine. Enjoy it, fellas.

The anomalies are about one meter tall, humanoid as far as we could tell. They wore long black trench coats and black fedoras. I only saw them for a moment before they fled, but they had blank white faces, more like masks than flesh. I saw two eye holes and a slit for a mouth. No other features. Asymmetric, too. One eye higher than the other. Creepy bastards for sure. I saw five or six of the assholes. Looks like they travel in packs. One of them went for Tyler.

He says it had claws, but it might have been a weapon. It all happened too quick to be certain, so they're aggressive. No decision on if these cockbags are smart. They were talking, but the words didn't make any sense, like they'd heard them somewhere else and were just repeating the sounds. We don't know what they want or why they're in Wozniak's house. The old man was such a hoarder, it's not surprising he was infested with something. Maybe they're like rats or roaches, or there's something in all the junk that attracts them.

Wozniak got rich somehow. Maybe it's weird artifacts he had hidden somewhere in all the boxes of garbage. Of course, we can't ask him because he's lying dead in the bathtub. So, we gotta find out everything the hard way.

You ready, Quinn? Tell me you're bringing something better than that 9mm JAM-o-matic. At least I can choose what I hit with it. That shotgun will put pellets through everything in the zip code. You'll be grateful when the trench code brigade turns up again. Marcos, you're on point. You got it. The house is falling apart, so watch your step. We don't need you breaking your neck on the stairs. That's a whole different form. Smells almost as bad as the dead guy. Keep the lights steady.

Oh, man. They must have been keeping junk down here for half a century. That TV's older than any of us. There, up ahead. Past the washing machine. There's stuff all over the walls. Is that a wasp's nest? Biggest wasp nest I ever saw. And first one underground, too. Rats, maybe? You're the one who gets to find out. It's chewed up paper. It's all over the walls and the beams.

Like a bunch of cocoons. Anything in them? Most of them are empty. God, it's everywhere. It's all newspapers and books. Must be thousands of those lying around down here. Is there an animal that does this? Sure, maybe. You think we're dealing with animals? Not really. More money down there. Spilled out of that box. All chewed up. Something got to it. Shit. How many grand do you think that is? More than either of us will ever see.

Guys, this goes all the way back. This is a big basement. Most of it's full of this crap. What's that? It's over here. Get a light on it. Screw this. Did that thing hatch? It had a coat and a hat. How can that happen? How does it get born wearing clothes? Got hundreds of cocoons down here. Thousands. You gotta shoot them all. I refer to my previous comments about burning this shithole to the ground. I'm kinda with Quinn on this one.

See, rookie? Knew you were okay. This is above our pay grade. We need demolitions in here. I'm gonna call HQ for a support unit. You're kidding me. Wait, is that bad? The more resources we call in, the lower the bonus. Just tip over a gas can down here and light a match. We're doing this by the book. I'm high enough on HQ's shit list already to be coloring outside the lines on this one. Where's the body?

The little dead thing, where is it? They don't all leave corpses. A lot of the guys think they're from another dimension. They can only keep their connection to this one when they're alive. So what do you think? I think I don't care. Let's get out of this pit. But where do they go back to?

Are they aliens? Like, do they teleport here? Or are they kind of like ghosts, you know, walking through walls and disappearing? It doesn't matter. None of that matters. The quicker you learn that, the better. I gotta fill in more damn paperwork. I'm not doing it down here. Trevor Henderson here with an ad break. If you'd like to get early and ad-free access to Mayfair Watchers Society, consider supporting us on the Apollo Podcast app.

This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Whether you're selling a little or a lot, Shopify helps you do your thing however you cha-ching. From the launch your online shop stage all the way to the we just hit a million orders stage. No matter what stage you're in, Shopify's there to help you grow. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash special offer all lowercase. That's shopify.com slash special offer.

And now, back to our show. See? This is why I dodged the promotion. I don't want to deal with the red tape. You dodged the promotion by being a shitty employee. Sure. Enjoy your desk job. Marcus, pay attention. You spent half your life doing this. See this?

I got to fill in all these before HQ will send in the heavy mob. Because a structural engineering and demolitions crew costs an assload of money, and HQ won't sign off on it without having all the details. Plus it gives them someone to pin it on if everything goes to hell. If Tyler's name is on the forms, HQ got someone to blame. That's what you get for being in charge. My paycheck says "operative team leader", which means I'm high enough to catch all the shit,

but too low to be throwing it. Okay, operative's present. Got that. Address, client, anomalous presence confirmed. Check. State the circumstances necessitating support beyond the operative field cell. Basement's full of creepy bastard eggs. Output, extensive structural infestation.

Description of structure. Haunted mansion complete with dead hoarder. Two-story detachment residence with attic and basement. How many rooms are there? The trench coats are back. Stick close and fall back to the doors. Get outside. I'm taking these cocksuckers out. Do we shoot? Guys, are we shooting? The doors! Get outside! Chaos!

Whab him! Get the rookie out! Oh, it had a saw. Did you see it? The little shit had a saw. Yeah, I saw it. Like a medical thing. They're not following. Maybe they can't leave the house. Let me look at that. You hurt bad? Feels like my freaking arm's coming off. Jesus, what a mess. I'll get the kid. It's not the cut. It's the infection that'll get you. Oh, God. What kind of interdimensional bugs you think were on that saw?

Probably got space tetanus. Shut up, Quinn. We weren't alone. I thought they only attacked when we were alone.

Yeah, I got that wrong. So what brought them out of the woodwork? The forms. The forms? They came for me when I was filling in the paperwork on Wozniak's body. Now they attack when we're going through the wreck forms. They're attracted to bureaucracy. That's crazy. We dealt with crazier. And it gives us something we can use. These things don't inhabit the house like rats or roaches. They only manifest when they choose.

Now we know what brings them out, we can set a trap. We could use the bug bomb. The what? It'll be a lot more likely to wipe them out than just flattening the place. You ready? If we're gonna kill these dick stains, sure, I'm ready.

Found this in the glove box. What is it? Vehicle expenses form. I gotta fill one of these in every time we pay for gas or parking. Vehicle type and registration. Does all the info have to be real? How the hell should I know? I'm just making this shit up as I go along. Location, just north of Mayfair city limits. Cost to fill up the tank?

Forty bucks, I guess. Freakin' libs. Purpose of journey: Occupational Necessity. Occupant 3. Incident Code. Pay up. Pay up. Hello, boys. Pay up. Pay up. Pay up. 29-7. Incident Code. Pay up. Pay up. Occupation Search. Potential Anomalous Contact.

There's a lot of them, Tyler. They're getting closer. More than before. Almost. We gotta get them all. Vehicle chassis serial number, field tank capacity, purchase location and time. Do I do it? Harvest. Do it. Go, go! Operative, Marcos. Supplemental field notes. So, I checked the ordinance manual.

And the bug bomb they talked about is a lot worse than it sounds. It's loaded with the stuff they used in the trenches, so no wonder they don't tell the rookies about it. Kind of freaked out to know it was in the car all along, to be honest. Is that even legal? Sounds like it's a Geneva Convention thing. Weapons of mass destruction. I would ask HQ about it, but...

I'm wondering if that's a good idea. I don't know. It seems like whoever runs the exterminators doesn't react well to being questioned too closely. In fact, maybe I shouldn't be recording this. Hey, Quinn? Tyler? Is that you? Holy shit, what happened to you? Looks like you got hit by a truck. Here, I got most of a first aid kit. Here, sit down.

Name's Carruthers. How long was I in there? In where? The house? We didn't think anyone else was inside. Were you in the basement? I don't know. Maybe. It was somewhere dark, cold, full of those things. The anomalies? Killer dwarves with coats and hats? And the faces. Tiny black eyes and wide mouths. Like masks. Masks?

I was there to talk to Wozniak, but I couldn't find him. I called the office, and then they just... They were everywhere. You're from the IRS. The investigator, right? Yeah. Criminal Investigation Division. They were holding me there, and they left. All of them. And the place filled with gas, and I couldn't breathe, so I ran. I don't know how I got out. I couldn't see anything. Ha ha! We got those cockwipes! Boom! Tokyo subway style! Ahem.

They're dead? Wiped out, baby. Wait, who the hell are you? So, uh, can I get to a phone? We'll get that for you. We'd just like to tie this all off. We need a full description of the anomalies. I thought I did that already. Don't you have pictures of them? You sent a whole team in there, and it sounds like they had plenty of close encounters of their own. Their behavior. Their motivations. It was his money. Wozniak's money.

Yes, he was hoarding it in cash. I think he was part of a laundromat running out of the city. A money laundering ring, I mean. Mostly drug and illegal weapons sales. There's 20 or 30 links in the chain before it ends up untraceable in people's bank accounts. He skimmed off some of the money for himself on the way. These people are difficult to prosecute, but the money they make is taxable, even if it's criminal. So tax evasion is one of the ways they can get busted.

Like Al Capone. What did the anomalies want the money for? They were eating it. Eating it? Yeah. They loved it. Couldn't get enough. Wozniak had up to half a million stashed in that house. Mostly small bills. Where I was, they would bring in fistfuls of it and cram it down. Made me sick. They were always asking for me to pay them. Pay us! Pay us! All the time. Presumably you couldn't.

I gave them the change in my pocket, but after that I had nothing. I said I couldn't pay them anything, but they kept yelling it at me. These tiny, disgusting things waving saws and scalpels at me, like they were going to cut bits of me off as payment. And one of them pushed a form in front of me. They are drawn by bureaucracy. Sure, whatever that means. It was a warranty form for a boiler.

i guess they found it in the house maybe it was wozniak's and he never filled it in thank god i had a pen on me so i filled it in i just made up the entries half my job is filling in forms i told myself it was just a regular office day and that i wasn't being held hostage by a bunch of trench coat gnomes

They brought me mail-in cards from magazines, warranties, medical insurance claims, anything I could fill in. Even crosswords from newspapers. Wozniak had so much hoarded in his house, I doubt they'd ever run out. That kept them happy, pretty much. They still waved their little saws and scalpels at me when I slowed down. How long was I in there? Going by the timeline the operative's established, it was between two and three days.

I didn't sleep. Still can't. I feel too wired. Are we done here? Feels like I've spent hours in this room. Of course. We'll provide a card to the nearest airport and you can head back to your field office. One last thing before I go. Did the bug bomb work? Did it get them all? The job was completed to the client's satisfaction. Does that mean they're dead? It means you don't have to worry about them anymore.

We can take care of everything from now on. And if I may suggest, try to get some sleep? The contingency plan is in place. I didn't think HQ would go for it, but they greenlit it in 20 minutes. We called in the support too.

They're going to prep the place for demolition, just in case. I expect the support team's going to get to pick over Wozniak's junk heap and look for whatever valuables the little guys didn't need. The support team better not try to pocket the cash, not after what we left in there. Yeah, sucks to be them. But they'll know to leave any cash they find if they know what's good for them. In any case, the bug bomb didn't gas all the anomalies. We came up with a plan to finish them off.

That's what I'm surprised HQ went for. Ten thousand dollars. All in singles. All strewn around every room of the house. All laced with poison. I didn't ask what they put on those dollar bills. I'm guessing it's the nastiest stuff HQ could get their hands on in the time frame. Cyanide, maybe. Or some nerve agent. If those things can be killed, that'll kill them. Weird how HQ suddenly had ten grand in their back pocket.

These are the people who make you fill out half a Tolstoy every time you put gas in the can. I got a theory about that. Of course you do. I didn't want to say it in front of Marcos, but the rookie got picked up by the medical team so he can get his arm seen too. Sure you should say it now? HQ will hear this recording.

I've been giving some serious thought about whether I give a shit about that anymore. If HQ want to fire my ass, they're welcome. No way they can just cut me loose with what I know. I'll get a payout each month just to get me to shut up. And if they disappear me, well, I'd rather that than go on working for the sort of assholes who would do that kind of thing. Sounds like you got it all figured out.

So what's the theory? The client was the IRS. It was their investigator who vanished. And in return for the job, what do you think HQ got? Money like always, I guess. You think HQ is on the level? You think they file everything they do? Everything we do? When they get paid, you think they write it all down and show it to the IRS for them to audit? Bullshit. HQ's as bent as a small town sheriff.

We did this job for the IRS, in return for them ignoring HQ's deliberate accounting errors. HQ keeps all their profits, the IRS gets their investigator back, everyone's happy. That's why we got that poison cache okayed so quickly. Getting the suits off their back is worth way more to HQ than ten grand in singles. You sure are smart. Gonna solve world hunger next?

Suck my balls, Quinn. Why do you have to be such a dick about everything? 'Cause it's what I'm good at. I just go with what God gave me. We're coming up to the state line. As good a time as any to call this one done. The operatives have finished with the Wozniak place. It's up to the support team to tie it all up. I hope we got all the trenchcoat goblins. But if we didn't, it's somebody else's problem now. Operative Tyler out.

Thank you for listening, neighbor. Mayfair Watchers Society is based in the works of Trevor Henderson. Death and Taxes was written by Ben Counter. Tyler was played by Brandon Nguyen. Marcus was played by Melissa Lusk. Quinn was played by Russ Moore. Carruthers was played by Graham Rowett. HQ was played by Alyssa Park. And the creatures were played by Cale Brown and Daisy McNamara. The dialogue editor was Jesse Hall. The sound designer was Travis McMaster.

The music was by Matt Royberger. The showrunner was Pacific S. Obadiah. The creative director was me, Trevor Henderson. And the producers are Tom Owen and Brad Miska. A Bloody FM Show.