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Kia ora, ni hao and hello. Welcome to the Chewy Journal Podcast. I'm your host, Camille Yang. Let's rewind to March. I recorded a monologue about some mystical experiences I had, giving you all a glimpse into my spiritual journey. The responses were overwhelming, with so many curious questions from you, especially about my psychedelic trip.
Well, recently, during a breathwork session, something incredibly happened. I had a vision of my Huachuma guide. Huachuma, that's a St. Pedro cactus, for those who might not know. He was playing the flute in a deep valley down in Portugal. It was as if the plant spirit was calling me back.
inviting me to return to the embrace of one of Peru's most secret plants. Without a second thought, I booked a train ticket and headed to the lighthouse retreat in Portugal. It was time to reconnect with grandpa plant, Cotruma, and embark on another profound journey. In today's episode, I'll be sharing every detail of this experience
from the moment I arrived at the retreat to the insights and revelations that unfolded. You will hear it all. So, sit back, relax, and join me as we journey into the heart of Hachumma. Day 1 I took a train from Lisbon to Porto, then caught another to the small town of Mostelou, where one of the retreat guides
or we call them space holders, was waiting for me at the station. Coming back here after almost three years, there is a palpable sense of change. The girl who once arrived seeking solace from emotional chaos has evolved. Now I'll pursue answers to more profound questions.
During the four days retreat, there were four of us in total. After exchanging greetings and introductions, we enjoyed a vegetarian dinner together and went for a stroll around the retreat center. Witnessing the enhancement to this space over the past few years was truly delightful. More tense and hard,
additional flowers and vegetables, a new Labrador dog, and loads of healing stories from diverse clans all brought genuine joy. As a city girl, I couldn't imagine living in such a remote place. However,
Witnessing the retreat center owner Aisha not only thriving but also uplifting the community made me realize the subjective agency of humanity. It dawned on me why so many intellectuals throughout history, especially in Chinese context, ultimately choose to return to the nature. There must be a special wisdom in it. That night,
away from the hustle and bustle of the city, in the peaceful embrace of nature. I slept for nearly 10 hours, which is unusual for me since I typically get only 5-7 hours of sleep each night. The tranquility of the environment provided a much needed healing space. During that long restful sleep, I dreamed vividly. In one dream,
my deceased grandmother appeared asking if I was hungry. In another, I was watching ice sculptures with an ex-boyfriend. There were also various fragmented dreams that seemed to hint at underlying anxiety. Ever since the bizarre vision happened in Leipzig last year, which I covered in my previous monologue episode,
I've harbored a deep-seated fear of experiencing a mental breakdown or drifting too far away from my physical life, feeling disconnected from the world around me. As this fear reached its peak in my dream, something unexpected happened. I began reciting Buddhist scriptures, seemingly out of nowhere.
I was surprised by how much I could remember, and the calming resonance of the scriptures brought me a profound sense of tranquility. It was a stark reminder of why, in transcendental meditation classes, people are given unique mantra to help them enter a meditative state. I think when you subconscious hold onto these calming elements,
be naturally emerged during moments of mental unrest. Day 2 After breakfast, we gathered to drink the Hotruma brewed from the cactus. My Chinese background came in handy because I am so used to Chinese medicine taste, so I found it easy to swallow. After gulp and some water to ease the bitterness, I awaited its effects.
I still remember my first experience with Hachuma. It took hours and hours for any effect to kick in. Back then, I mentioned to my guide my high tolerance. I was able to handle drinks without getting drunk or enduring tattoo pains easily. So I needed an extra cup to feel its effects. However, over the past few years,
I've been focusing on enhancing my body's sensitivity, so just half a cup brought about a response this time. After purging my body, I entered the world of plant medicine. Initially, there was a strong sense of expansion in my body.
Feeling as though I no longer belonged to this small body but stretched infinitely like the vast universe, consciousness slowly liberated itself from the constraints of the body, drifting on the edge of time and space. All senses seemed to be freed.
experiencing an unprecedented sense of freedom and joy. The body became light as if it could fly, while the soul deeply merged into this boundless universe. At this moment, all my worries and anxieties vanished, leaving only supreme peace. All of sudden,
Everything in the world seemed absurdly funny to me. There was a sense of absurdity in everything. And no matter who or what I thought of, it all seemed like a joke. How did this game of life suddenly become so funny? At this moment, a large amount of information came to me.
The only thing I could remember was that I could have a third child at the age of 42 and this child would be my favorite child. I would even ask the universe why I didn't like my first two. What happened to them? With so much information suddenly flooding my mind, it felt like my head was exploding. Thankfully, I could still hear a voice telling me that
I didn't need to understand everything, just let everything pass through me. The most interesting part was when I suddenly witnessed the whole life of Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom. I observed her carefree childhood with her sister and the later random event of becoming queen. As a bystander, I experienced her life.
feeling her childhood joy and later life of heightened suffering for responsibility. And sadly, tears flowed like rain for this little girl who hadn't yet inherited the throne. To wear the crown, one must bear the weight. The greater the ability, the greater the responsibility. This is probably why so many of my desires have not been fulfilled after all.
Someone like me who craved for freedom is still far from making commitments and taking on responsibilities. I don't know how much time passed, but I began to crave crunchy and juicy apples. When the guide asked me why I wanted to eat apples, I couldn't answer. He suggested I think about the symbolism, such as in Western culture,
Apple usually symbolizes knowledge, temptation, revelation, and the forbidden fruit. If you read the story of Genesis in the Bible, Eve eating the forbidden fruit symbolizes the human defense against God and the desire for knowledge. Could it be that this trip to explore the mystery of the universe is another act of rebelling on my part?
I remembered my urgent pursuit of the ultimate meaning of the universe during the Ayahuasca trip back to two years ago. During the trip, I was only to be told, "You are not ready. You are not ready." But I insisted to Ayahuasca that I am ready. Tell me the truth.
After much back and forth, I was only allowed to see a series of beautiful mathematical formulas and geometric shapes bursting out of endless darkness. With my worldview at the time, I really couldn't understand what all this was. And now, it's still the same. Without asking good questions, you naturally won't get good answers, or the truths you get won't be understood.
Later, as the sky gradually darkened, I returned from the forest to the house. I noticed a shamanic drum in the corner, so I started to play. Music, indeed, holds remarkable healing power. Through the rhythmic shift of the drum beat, I felt as though I journeyed through different dimensions of the universe.
gaining insight into the diverse experience and perspective of various lives. During this time, while a guide was attending to another participant's healing, she invited me to join in playing the shamanic drum. This invitation brought back memories of my experience at an Ayahuasca retreat, where my singing had brought comfort to others.
But this time, the effort of the drum took me by surprise. It made me to think that many abilities are inherent and can be tapped into effortlessly without the need for formal training. This experience highlighted the importance of nurturing and harnessing our innate potential. For me, I can use my voice and music to heal others. Apart from that,
One of the most impactful moments of the first day was reconciling with friends and relatives to whom I had never properly said goodbye. Life is a continuous circle of meeting new people and biding farewells to old companions. Seeing goodbye often bring a lump to the throat while welcoming new confidants can feel overwhelming.
Emotions of happiness and sadness constantly swell within us in this moment. I realize that beyond the present, everything else fits in significance. As I reconnected with those who have journeyed alongside me, I was filled with hope that the next time we meet, they will all be leading more fulfilled lives than they are now.
This hope reminds us that life is short and always changing, so it's so important to enjoy every moment and value every encounter in our relationships. Day 3 After breakfast, the guide took us hiking to a nearby waterfall. Walking along the rugged path with rushing water,
remind me about my hometown New Zealand. There are many trails that are similar to this one. Some say the beauty of New Zealand is unparalleled, but having lived in Europe for the past five years, I feel similar landscape can be found everywhere. The only difference lies in the people, as they are the ones who inhabit a place and make it memorable.
Upon returning from the hack, we gathered and shared yesterday's experience before repeating the same process from yesterday. Soon I found myself experiencing what it might feel like to be at the summit of Mount Everest. Not only did I began to shiver, but breathing became so difficult. I kept repeating the word oxygen, oxygen.
oxygen and took deep breath. The message I received was to never follow the trend of climbing Mount Everest and to hold reverence for the snow-capped mountains. It reminded me of the time I went to Jade Dragon Snow Mountain as a child in China. Back then,
I was feeling overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of the mountain. When I climbed Jade Dragon Snow Mountain with an oxygen tank, it seemed like all other memories vanished except for the desire to kneel before the mountain. After the mountain experience, I journeyed back to the arrow. When dinosaurs roamed the earth, I became a dinosaur. I became a lion.
then a monkey, then a stone, and so many other things. It felt as if my soul could inhabit any species and experience their emotions. At this point, I began to question the universe. After millions and billions of years of existence, what could possibly be considered new and prevented from becoming boring?
Suddenly, I feel like a child again, craving for ice cream. The guide prompted me to reflect on why I suddenly desire ice cream and what it might represent. It felt as though the universe responses to my query. The message was super simple and clear: Always nurture a childlike curiosity, approaching everything as if it's your first time.
in the middle of life's complexities, strive to discover moments of wonder. It was during this reflection that I felt a deep connection with Albert Camus' poetry of Sisyphus. Camus believed that Sisyphus, each time he descended the hill to start anew, was not in despair but in the faintness of fate.
making him an absurd hero. When you realize that absurdity of life is unavoidable and that it makes life painful and hopeless, the only thing you can do is embrace it, accept it, and then resist on it. Just like Sisyphus, we need to find joy in the struggle, exhausting all potential to find meaning in life.
In this chaotic and absurd world, only human passion is a reliable guide. As Camus summed it up, "The struggle itself towards the highs is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus is happy." In that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of freedom. Since life's meaning has no standard answer,
why not freely write my own story? I used to dream about abounding my physical body and uploading my brain to the crowd for eternal life. However, through practice over the past few years, I discovered that the human body is the best tool for spiritual growth. By absorbing the breath and sensations in the body,
we can achieve a deep level of experience and introspection. Every thought creates a vibration in the body, and by observing those sensations, we can tap into thoughts buried deeply within our subconscious. Every time I have a thought, my body produces sensations that cannot be expressed in words.
and every time my body produces sensations that cannot be expressed in words, my mind generates thoughts. Thus, the world I inhabit is created through this interchange. That evening, I spoke to a camellia tree, asking, "Dear, tell me about the Sukhavadi." The camellia tree bloomed
in response. They Fall, The Doors, a classic film I watched before, portrayed the life of Jim Morrison, the lead singer of the iconic 1960s American psychedelic rock band. From fame to self-destruction, reflecting on this talented individual who joined the 27th
He stands at the epitome of burning out rather than fading away. The essence of poise and artist lies in helping us see things as they truly are. We acknowledge the existence of things and observe them with respect, allowing them to reveal their true nature rather than imposing our subjective will upon them.
As described by Aldous Huxley in The Doors of Perception: "When we attempt to describe reality using the language of the left brain, we often obscure our perception of the external world. We strive to transform things into symbols that conform to our comprehensible abstract concept. However,
The consequence of this is that we strip things of their inherent nature. The four days in the remote mountains of Portugal feels like I've lived the millions of years, experiencing the joys and sorrows of everything. I wanted to record my thoughts and feelings vividly and in details, but I realized the limitation.
of our human language. So I will leave these scattered notes here in the hope that if you happen to stumble upon this episode, you can personally experience this nature gift and interpret the messages that Hotchuma communicated through your own bodily sensations. And finally,
I want to share a poem I wrote from my first encounter with Hotruma. I hope you enjoy it. And thanks for listening. Eighty-four thousand souls Countless irons of changing tides before my eyes Colors and music take shape Perfect geometric forms continually flash
is the Mandelbrot site, the Sanskrit mandala of the Buddhists, the vibrant hues and flowering patterns of one's cold brush. Each person, nameless and formless, particle and Buddha, shape and color, just by existing,
We are worth of love. Time and space, even the material world, is not as it seems. In the vast mysteries, being is the ultimate meaning. Seek and thou shalt find time and space, as well as truth and beauty unfold before me. I break free from the confines of thought, navigate through abstract concepts,
In the blink of an eye, a moment becomes eternal. Seek and you shall find. We are here guiding each other home, using art to answer the unknown.
